jakethesnake: withdrawal from Prozac

[jakethesnake]

Hello everyone! I’m on my last leg of tapering right now at 2.5 mg of Prozac and boy does that small dose of 2.5 mg make a difference! I’ll give you all some background information about me and my history with SSRI’s and just overall tell my story so to speak.

 

I’m currently 19 years old attending university (I had to drop out last semester because of the withdrawal from tapering, but I’m back at it!). The first SSRI I ever took was sertraline (Zoloft) at 50 mg for social anxiety and subsequently depression. I think I was thirteen at the time. It pains me to think back to that little boy and how much pain he was in. The sertraline helped a bit. My mother noticed a change in me more than I did. After only a couple of months however, I started to experience some emotional blunting. I didn’t know what it was at the time, I just knew I felt flat. We told our family doctor and he agreed that I should stop taking it. I did not taper and I did not experience any withdrawal. 

 

The next couple of years I don’t think I took any SSRI’s. I was still depressed and socially anxious at times, but I made a promise to myself that I would make a serious effort to make friends. It was my first real effort at exposure therapy and I did it all by myself.

 

It wasn’t until I was sixteen that my obsessive rumination eventually became too strong for me to handle. It was then that I began taking 20 mg of Prozac. I can’t remember when I started. Most likely between August 2015 to December 2015. I do remember however that I did not have any notable side effects. I still felt the full range of emotions and my sexuality functioned like clockwork.

 

In May 2016, my obsessive thinking got worse due in part to a rejection from a girl I liked. I began to believe that the Prozac wasn’t doing anything, so I went to a doctor and he switched me onto 20 mg of Paxil. It would be later on in the summer of 2016 that I would see a psychiatrist. I complained of extreme lethargy and often times couldnt sleep until four in the morning so he prescribed Wellbutrin at 150 mg and some Trazodone that I would take as needed. The Trazodone effectively zombified me so I avoided it often. (Side note: eventually I mentioned the Trazodone to this druggy kid in my creative writing class. He was literally on acid at the time and he said, “You take Trazodone?! Dude I used to snort that stuff. Don’t **** with that ****.”😂)

 

Over time I stopped believing the Paxil or Wellbutrin had any effect on me. I even started to believe they might be a placebo at the time. I did however notice that I was becoming extremely angry all the time, something completely unlike myself. It was as if the only thing the pills had done was replace my depression with anger. I could also cry at a moments notice. I remember my family and I visited the freedom tower memorial in NY and it took everything in me not to burst out into tears. Because of the anger and my belief the pills were placebos, I eventually decided to stop both the Paxil and Wellbutrin cold turkey. This was in December 2016. I didnt have any notable withdrawal symptoms. No brain zaps or physical problems. My sexuality functioned as it always had.

 

My depression however began to amplify. Sometimes, knowing what I know now, I wonder if this extreme depression was induced partly from withdrawal. It was stronger than any I’d previously had. I was constantly ruminating. I couldn’t sit still for a second without being uncomfortable and anxious. My mind was constantly replaying loops of embarrassing things I had done. Often times I would wake up in the middle of the night with an embarrassing memory and then spend the rest of the night in terror as it played over and over in my head. When I went to school, I felt paranoid. I absolutely hated myself. It is important to note however that I was not suicidal. Eventually I gave up. It took two week of me not going to school or even leaving my room for that matter for my parents to decide what to do with me.

 

Eventually my mom found a treatment center for OCD and anxiety. I was skeptical at first. I had seen therapists in the past. They were well meaning, but they had little impact on my depression. We made an appointment with the director of the clinic. 

When she first walked in I expected nothing. She was very direct and got right to the point telling me that she might be able to help me or she might not. Either way it would be up to me to put in the effort.

 

I agreed to do their intensive outpatient program. For three hours every day I would be exposed to my deepest fears. Initially she suggested medication, however I refused because of my bad experience on Paxil and Wellbutrin. After a month of IOP however, I still wasn’t getting better. Eventually I caved in. I was desperate. I went to the doctor and he prescribed 40 mg of Prozac and 25 mg of lamictal.

 

When I began taking the Prozac at 20 mg, my mood lifted immediately. For the first time in forever my onslaught of obsessive thought began to abate. Suddenly I was convinced these pills weren’t placebo. I worked up to 40 mg and quickly graduated from the IOP. There were no side effects. I still had a considerable range of emotion and my sexuality worked just fine. But then the Prozac pooped out on me in December of 2017. By then I was beginning to feel depressed again. This should have been a warning that this med wasn’t a long term solution, but I was oblivious to the side effects at the time. I made my way up to 60 mg for a month and then eventually 80 mg in February 2018, the maximum dose. This dose was effective. My depression ceased almost instantly.

 

It wasn’t until around June 2018 on 80 mg that I began to notice some strange things happening. At first I didn’t realize they were due to the Prozac. I began to have these odd states where my thinking was clouded, almost like my brain was fried. It was difficult to form words, and I often felt no emotion whatsoever in these states, but it would go away after a good night sleep, so I didn’t think too much of it. Then I met a girl and began dating her. I quickly noticed that I simply couldn’t fall in love with her, despite the fact that we got along together great and she was beautiful. All my romantic feelings we’re muted compared to what I had felt before. And then my dog ran away. At the time I knew I should be sad, but I couldn’t muster up the emotion. It was like I had to sneeze but the sneeze wouldn’t come. The sadness was almost there, I just couldn’t experience it fully. It was around this same time that I realized that my interest in sex was beginning to dwindle. 

 

Because of these things I realized I need to make a change. I began taking two 40 mg pills every other day and then two pills on the rest of the days. This was in the beginning of August 2018. My goal was to get to 40 mg. I did not have any significant withdrawal issues. In fact, initially, my sex drive increased. What did happen is that my depression returned. Because of this my doctor prescribed Wellbutrin at 150 mg. I had to stop taking it because I became extremely suicidal. Every waking thought revolved around me killing myself. I was anxious and irritable and definitely had the energy to do carry out my plans. Thankfully, I stopped taking the Wellbutrin after a week and these thoughts went away. It was this experience that convinced me how harmful these meds can be. Unfortunately I did not know how to taper properly and went way too fast with decreases of 20 mg every 2 weeks. Eventually I got to zero for a couple days but my therapist convinced me to stay on them. Stupidly I jumped all the way back up to 40 mg. But then after two weeks I decided once again that I needed to get off them. I did not know I was playing with fire. Once again I went super fast. When I made it to zero this time however, new symptoms began to hit. I got what I realize now is akathisia. If I tried to read my brain couldn’t form the words into sentences. I began sleeping very little. Most disconcerting, my penis had shriveled up and gotten freezing cold and I stopped getting nocturnal erections(morning wood). It was this that caused me to reinstate my taper after only four days at 0 mg. I went back up to 40 mg over two weeks and my sexual functioning more or less returned. My sex drive however did not. By then I knew what I was really in for.

 

After that I began to taper much slower. This was probably stupid, but I would cut the pills in half and estimate the amount of powder I would take. I did this until December 2018 and made it to 10 mg. Then I got pills that I could cut into smaller pieces and bought a scale and I have been using this method ever since. Throughout the taper, emotional anesthesia arose as a prominent symptom. My sexuality is no longer similar to pre drug levels or even similar to what it was while I was on the drug. It has definitely gotten worse as I’ve decreased the drug. However, so far it seems that after each time I have decreased my dose, my ability to maintain an erection would vanish and then more or less reappear after a couple weeks.

 

Currently I am at 2.5mg! 🎉The akathisia has mostly abated (although I’m sure it’ll come back once I’m fully off the drug) I feel emotionally numb all the time. I feel like I have lost my identity and have no access to my memories. I remember them but I feel nothing when I do. Listening to music is pointless. I no longer play my guitar. My erections are fickle, and I have no sex drive at all. I do still have feeling in my penis, so I am not dealing with genital anesthesia. The closer I get to zero however, the less my penis functions. I even went down to about 0.5 mg and my penis went cold like the time I went to 0 mg a couple months ago. It seems the blood flow returned when I went back to 2.5 yesterday; however, my penis head has these odd striations on it. I am afraid of developing genital anathesis post taper. For those who had genital anesthesia, when did this symptom appear for you? My fear is that the lack of blood supply and lack of erections will lead to nerve atrophy in my penis. For this reason I am taking the rest of my taper even slower than initially planned. As long as my penis doesn’t get cold, I will continue to taper. I have also turned my diet around and cut out sugar and gluten. I want to exercise but this seems to trigger the akathisia so I’ve put it on hold. Im against all supplements as I’ve had bad experienced with them. One thing this site taught me is how cautious I have to be so that my nervous system can heal.

 

Does anyone have any advice for me? Do you think because I haven’t experienced physical symptoms (yet at least) like nausea or muscle pain or even brain zaps that I’ll be able to heal fairly quickly? Or will these effects most likely simply appear once I’m finally off the drug. Prozac does have a long half life after all. What do you guys think? Im also

wondering when (or if) my emotions will return post taper. For those who have regained the full range of emotions, were you able to look back at emotional memories and feel what you felt in that moment? Does music sound good again?

 

Lastly, when can I expect symptoms of nueroemotions? I’m actually looking forward to this symptoms as it will mean my emotions are returning and that I don’t have permanent damage.

 

Thank you if you took the time to read this, and sorry if it’s a little long.

 

(p.s. Altostrata if you read this thank you for everything you have done. I’ve spent the past month browsing this site on and off and the level of charity you display is phenomenal. Thank you!)

 

 

 

 

[WiggleIt]

Dear Jakethesnake,

Wasn't that a wrestler in the '80s? Anyway, welcome to the site; Alto is incredible on here, that's for sure.  

I personally found reading your whole history very informative and wasn't overwhelmed by the length.  Be forewarned: my response is also going to be decently long!  I'm a wordy little thing.

 

If you don't mind, there are a couple of orientation steps to the site I'm going to ask you to take before getting into nitty-gritty advice for your specific situation. So that all users can get a quick reference of your history, can you please create a signature?

We all have intro topics on this site, just like the one you wrote and like the ones you've been reading over the past month that you mentioned.  We also all have signatures that you can see at the bottom of each comment we make. Those signatures are only visible to site members, which you now are.  The signature is just like an email signature; it's a short blurb that automatically appears every time we post.  We use these signatures to quickly get a summary of each other's meds, so we can help out.

 

Here's how to create your signature:

a.) Look at the top right of the page where your name appears

b.) Click on your name and you'll see a pull-down menu appear

c.) Under that menu, click on Account Settings
d.) You'll get taken to a new page.  Look at the left side of that page
e.) Click on Signature
f.) Fill out a short list of your medication history and dates taken in the box that pops up.  (For example, you can write Sertraline 60 mgs from July 2016 to Sept 2018.) 
g.) Click Save and then you can go back to the rest of the site and keep chatting!

After you've been on this site for a while and posted on your own intro topic for a while, your first post with your detailed backstory will get pushed back by pages and pages, so the signature helps people see your concise story so they can respond.

Okay, so now for stuff that addresses your own story more specifically:

It's a relief to hear that you eventually got a scale.  In my layperson opinion, it sounds to me like whatever depression you already dealt with got affected by the meds pooping out, by some of the meds giving you adverse reactions, and also by skipping days and going up/down on Prozac dosages as you made the journey to reduce it.

What some people in psych med communities have found is that they sometimes need to go slower at the end of a taper and do even smaller reductions.  I noticed that you are still upping and lowering your dosages, and the consensus in this community is that it's important to hold at a dosage, instead of going up and down. If I'm reading correctly, you've gone from 2.5 to 0.5 to 0 and back to 2.5 all within the past two months.  Is that right?  I'm of the opinion that you should hold at 2.5 before you attempt another reduction, and when you reduce you should follow the 10% rule here on this site:

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/1024-why-taper-by-10-of-my-dosage/

You'll notice that the link above advises taperers to taper by 10% of their CURRENT dosage, not of their original dosage. So you would need to hold at 2.5, then taper by 10% of 2.5.

Regarding the sexual symptoms you noticed, there are sexual recovery stories on this site from men and women.  Have you checked out the links for success stories and PSSD?  What's happening to you is normal from the standpoint of withdrawal, and you will improve. My genitals were a mess, and they are now normal.  But I'm a girl, so I don't know if that encourages you enough.  Honestly, I felt like a freak because I didn't notice a lot of discussions from women about having messed-up sexual function after meds, so I felt very lonely and weird and... just freakish.  But I DID recover sexually, and that's what matters.  There are plenty of discussions on this site about sexual recovery, though, and I hope you can connect with some guys here who can tell you what's happening is normal and that you'll get better.  I've read about male members here going through the journey of sexual improvement after WD.
 

 

Edited February 13, 2019 by ChessieCat
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[WiggleIt]

Oh, and I HAVE regained a full range of emotions again and also no longer suffer from obsessive memories of past embarrassments!  I had that badly.  It was eerie when you described waking up obsessed over something you had done years ago, because that happened to me, too.  That's all back to normal now, completely.

[Altostrata]

Welcome, jake.

 

On 2/11/2019 at 7:01 PM, jakethesnake said:

Currently I am at 2.5mg! 🎉The akathisia has mostly abated (although I’m sure it’ll come back once I’m fully off the drug) I feel emotionally numb all the time. I feel like I have lost my identity and have no access to my memories. I remember them but I feel nothing when I do. Listening to music is pointless. I no longer play my guitar. My erections are fickle, and I have no sex drive at all. I do still have feeling in my penis, so I am not dealing with genital anesthesia.

 

Good for you, for getting down to 2.5mg Prozac.

 

First off, if I were you, I'd stop tapering. Figure on staying at 2.5mg Prozac for some months, let your nervous system settle down from all the changes. Be sure to take the drug at the same time each day. You may wish to keep daily notes to track your progress. Please let us know how you're doing.

 

Sadly, the emotional anesthesia is a side effect of long-term use of the drugs. Like other withdrawal symptoms, this will very, very slowly lift. You will need to be patient.

 

It sounds like you have a habit of mind that might lead to self-blame and rumination. This can be magnified in withdrawal. You may be interested in

 

Neuro-emotions

 

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

Shame, guilt, regret, and self-criticism

 

Dealing With Emotional Spirals

Easing your way into meditation for a stressed-out nervous system

 

A lot of people find fish oil and magnesium supplements helpful, see

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/36-king-of-supplements-omega-3-fatty-acids-fish-oil/

http://survivingantidepressants.org/topic/15483-magnesium-natures-calcium-channel-blocker/

Try a little bit of one at a time to see how it affects you.

 

[jakethesnake]

Hi WiggleIt! Thanks for the reply.

 

I just got my signature filled out. I hope it looks alright. As far as how I've tapered, I did jump doses up and down twice early on in the process because I didn't know what I was doing and I was going too fast (per psychiatrist's orders). It was always my decision however to jump back up because of my fear of the sexual side effects. After the second time I did jump back up, I have only been going down on the taper after that (and alot slower) and I have not yet reached 0. I try to hold only as long as the withdrawal symptoms more or less seem to cease and then I taper some more. It was just a couple of days ago however that I did go back up to 2.5 from 0.5 mg. That's the first time I've gone back up in months. I absolutely agree with going slow at the end. I was going as fast as how long it took my to decrease my other dose changes, and I realize now that that is too fast.

 

I'm so glad you recovered from your emotional and sexual symptoms.  It seems to me like the emotional anesthesia and the sexual dysfunction come hand in hand. I don't see too many PSSD stories of girls on here either, so I could understand how that could be particularly isolating. What really matters though is that you recovered! I'm so happy for you! I'll keep your recovery in mind as I'm recovering. Thank you!

[jakethesnake]

1 hour ago, Altostrata said:

 

First off, if I were you, I'd stop tapering. Figure on staying at 2.5mg Prozac for some months, let your nervous system settle down from all the changes. Be sure to take the drug at the same time each day. You may wish to keep daily notes to track your progress. Please let us know how you're doing.

 

Hey Alto! Thanks for the advice. I think staying at 2.5 mg for the next couple of months is a really good idea.

 

I’ll go check out those forums. Thanks for the suggestion.

[ChessieCat]

Hi Jake and welcome from me too,

 

You might find this topic helpful:  When to end the taper and jump to zero?

 

Here's some additional information which might help you to understand what is happening:

 

Recovery isn't linear it happens in a Windows and Waves Pattern

 

Withdrawal Normal Description

When we take a psychiatric drug, we are adding chemical/s to the brain.  The brain then has to change to adapt to getting the chemical/s.  It might have to change something to do with A and then once that change has been made it affects B so another change has to be made and so on down the line.  It is a chain reaction, a domino effect.

 

The same thing happens when we take the drug away.  That's why it's possible to experience such a vast array of withdrawal symptoms, and they can change, and be of different intensity.

 

are-we-there-yet-how-long-is-withdrawal-going-to-take

 

These explain it really well:

 

Video:  Healing From Antidepressants - Patterns of Recovery

 

On 8/31/2011 at 5:28 AM, Rhiannon said:

When we stop taking the drug, we have a brain that has designed itself so that it works in the presence of the drug; now it can't work properly without the drug because it's designed itself so that the drug is part of its chemistry and structure. It's like a plant that has grown on a trellis; you can't just yank out the trellis and expect the plant to be okay. When the drug is removed, the remodeling process has to take place in reverse. SO--it's not a matter of just getting the drug out of your system and moving on. If it were that simple, none of us would be here. It's a matter of, as I describe it, having to grow a new brain. I believe this growing-a-new-brain happens throughout the taper process if the taper is slow enough. (If it's too fast, then there's not a lot of time for actually rebalancing things, and basically the brain is just pedaling fast trying to keep us alive.) It also continues to happen, probably for longer than the symptoms actually last, throughout the time of recovery after we are completely off the drug, which is why recovery takes so long.

 

AND

 

On 12/4/2015 at 2:41 AM, apace41 said:

Basically- you have a building where the MAJOR steel structures are trying to be rebuilt at different times - ALL while people are coming and going in the building and attempting to work.

It would be like if the World Trade Center Towers hadn't completely fallen - but had crumbled inside in different places.. Imagine if you were trying to rebuild the tower - WHILE people were coming and going and trying to work in the building!  You'd have to set up a temporary elevator - but when you needed to fix part of that area, you'd have to tear down that elevator and set up a temporary elevator somewhere else. And so on. You'd have to build, work around, then tear down, then build again, then work around, then build... ALL while people are coming and going, ALL while the furniture is being replaced, ALL while the walls are getting repainted... ALL while life is going on INSIDE the building. No doubt it would be chaotic. That is EXACTLY what is happening with windows and waves.  The windows are where the body has "got it right" for a day or so - but then the building shifts and the brain works on something else - and it's chaos again while another temporary pathway is set up to reroute function until repairs are made.  

 

[ChessieCat]

During any taper, there will be times of discomfort.  We strongly encourage members to learn and use non drug coping techniques to help get through tough times.

 

Understanding what is happening helps us to not get caught up with the second fear, or fear of the fear.  This happens when we experience sensations in our body and because we don't understand them we are scared of them and then start to panic.

 

This document has a diagram of the body explaining what happens in the body when we become anxious:

 

https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/AnxietySelfHelp.pdf

 

Anxiety Stuff - all kinds of stuff about anxiety attacks and things that help ...

 

Audio FEMALE VOICE:  First Aid for Panic (4 minutes)

 

Audio MALE VOICE:  First Aid for Panic (4 minutes)

 

Non-drug techniques to cope

 

dealing-with-emotional-spirals

 

Dr Claire Weekes suffered from anxiety and learned and taught ways of coping.  There are videos available on YouTube.

 

Claire Weekes' Method of Recovering from a Sensitized Nervous System

 

Audio:  How to Recover from Anxiety - Dr Claire Weekes

 

CBT Course:  An Introductory Self-Help Course in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy

 

Resources:  Centre for Clinical Interventions (PDF modules that you can work through, eg:  Depression, Distress Intolerance, Health Anxiety, Low Self-Esteem, Panic Attacks, Perfectionism, Procrastination, Social Anxiety, Worrying)

 

On 4/28/2017 at 4:03 AM, brassmonkey said:

 

AAF: Acknowledge, Accept, Float.  It's what you have to do when nothing else works, and can be a very powerful tool in coping with anxiety.  The neuroemotional anxiety many of us feel during WD is directly caused by the drugs and their chemical reactions in the brain.  Making it so there is nothing we can do about them.  They won't respond to other drugs, relaxation techniques and the like.  They do, however, react very well to being ignored.  That's the concept behind AAF.  Acknowledge, get to know the feeling involved, explore them.  Accept, These feelings are a part of you and they aren't going anywhere fast. Float, let the feeling float off as you get on with your life as best as you can.  It's a well documented fact that the more you feed in to anxiety the worse it gets.  What starts as generalized neuroemotinal anxiety can be easily blown into a full fledged panic attack just by thinking about it.

 

I often liken it to an unwanted house guest.  At first you talk to them, have conversations, communicate with them.  After a while you figure out that they aren't leaving and there is nothing you can do to get rid of them.  So you go on about your day, working around them until they get bored and leave.

 

It can take some practice, but AAF really does work.  I hope you give it a try.

 

 

[1Day]

On 2/13/2019 at 7:16 AM, WiggleIt said:

My genitals were a mess, and they are now normal.  But I'm a girl, so I don't know if that encourages you enough.  Honestly, I felt like a freak because I didn't notice a lot of discussions from women about having messed-up sexual function after meds, so I felt very lonely and weird and... just freakish.  But I DID recover sexually, and that's what matters.

Hi Wigglelt,

 

I hope you don't mind me asking, but I was just wondering for how long did you have PSSD for after you stopped the drugs?  And was it from an SSRI drug?

 

Thanks,

1Day

[jakethesnake]

Time for an update. I stopped taking my tiny dose of Prozac on February 15. Since then the PSSD has significantly worsened. The blood flow in my genitals is completely reduced. The head of my penis has turned from pink to yellow and become dry and wrinkled, almost like dead tissue. My genitals feel cold to the touch. Genital anesthesia developed in the ensuing weeks after I stopped the Prozac. I cannot feel hot or cold sensations (like an ice cube) on the head of my penis and more recently the shaft. When I have forced ejacuation the feeling of orgasm is significantly reduced. My semen is watery and yellow. Things are not looking good. I feel it’s important to be graphic about just what is going on with my sexuality and genitals so that anyone who is interested in the mechanisms of pssd can get a complete picture.

I still have no libido or attraction. I’m pretty devastated about that. I can still feel my emotions but they are significantly blunted. Anyways that’s about it. All withdrawal symptoms like akathisia and headaches have gone away for now, so I feel like what remains is permanent damage. 

[bheb]

32 minutes ago, jakethesnake said:

I still have no libido or attraction. I’m pretty devastated about that. I can still feel my emotions but they are significantly blunted. Anyways that’s about it. All withdrawal symptoms like akathisia and headaches have gone away for now, so I feel like what remains is permanent damage.

 

Hey Jake. I'm sorry you're struggling so much with PSSD. I noticed you were also in university; I know this can be an incredibly challenging experience (not to mention nearly impossible academically) when everyone around you is so fully caught up in being young and going places. I've felt like I'm barely getting by.

 

I want to give you an alternative perspective. We're kind of in switched places -- I had terror, emotional numbness, some PSSD for maybe 6 months max; now it's completely gone. I've had akathisia for two years and it's still with me. So I guess I just want to say that you don't need to accept it as permanent damage. I thought I was going to be stuck in that mental black hole and sure enough I was freed from it. It actually happened fast too. I think over the span of a week I had like 80% improvement after being very stuck. I hope that gives you some hope even if you haven't had gradual and consistent improvement. Spending tons of time reading this site, I've seen many cases of people who go through years of emotional numbness to have it let up later on. Don't lose hope. But trust me, I understand how hard it is not to lose it.

[jakethesnake]

@bheb

Hey thanks for the reply. I feel like the PSSD looks pretty severe, but there may still be hope for me in the emotions department. I’ll try to stick it out because honestly this whole acceptance process has been really difficult for me. I’m such a black and white thinker and I guess I’m just so bothered by the idea that I’m not who I feel I’m supposed. I’m hoping one day I’ll listen to music and play my guitar and climb a mountain and everything will just be so beautiful again. For me, PSSD aside, that would make my life worth living, even if I’m just barely getting by like you. Thanks for the encouragement. I’ve been pretty suicidal over this but I’ll try to push through. Its good to know other people really do have improvements.

[bheb]

2 minutes ago, jakethesnake said:

I’ll try to stick it out because honestly this whole acceptance process has been really difficult for me. I’m such a black and white thinker and I guess I’m just so bothered by the idea that I’m not who I feel I’m supposed.

 

Oh I know this so well. I get very very upset looking at what I am right now, and not recognizing myself. I try to just accept the "new normal" and focus on day-to-day tasks, but sometimes I will think of a memory before things changed...and the difference is so vast it makes me tear up

 

6 minutes ago, jakethesnake said:

I’m hoping one day I’ll listen to music and play my guitar and climb a mountain and everything will just be so beautiful again.

. 

Yes, hang on, I will too. 

[jakethesnake]

I saw my long term therapist today. Now, I’ve always had a really good relationship with my therapist but today she turned on me. It was disturbing. I went to the session with my mom, and apparently my mom had emailed her beforehand about how I feel suicidal. Now I really do obsess about PSSD and the blunted emotions that have resulted from discontinuing Prozac and it does make me suicidal, but my therapist started to imply that I’m on a path that will lead to psychosis and a break from reality if I don’t go back on medication. She told me that if my mom wasn’t with me she would have called the police and sent me to a hospital ward to be involuntarily commited before I could leave her office. I was disgusted. I didn’t say anything throughout the session except when I brought up the point that the genital numbness caused by pssd couldnt possibly be something I was imagining. But she wrote that off as a delusion as well. After that I kept my mouth shut because I knew that anything I said would just cause her to further believe I was psychotic. I was diagnosed with depression and social anxiety before medication, not schizophrenia. I’m am absolutely disgusted with my therapist and it’s pretty disheartening to be betrayed by someone I trusted so much. I now have a glimpse of how evil the mental health system really can be. Don’t ever tell anyone in the mental health system that you’re suicidal. Don’t even tell you’re friends, they might call the cops on you and have you involuntarily commited. I’m terrified of being forced into a psych ward and not being allowed to leave unless I agree to take medication. I just barely got over the brunt of withdrawal over these past 8 months. I can’t imagine being forced to go through that again. I am terrified that someone can tell the law that I’m delusional and nothing I say can convince them otherwise. I’m terrified of having my rights taken from me. Unfortunately, that is a reality I face because I opened my mouth about feeling suicidal.

[Lloyd]

Hi Jake, sorry if you have mentioned this before. Have you seen a doctor about the discoloration of your penis & the other issues? I haven't experienced PSSD except sexual numbness whilst on the medication but this sounds like it could be something else?

I'm sorry to hear about your experience with your therapist.

[powerback]

21 minutes ago, jakethesnake said:

I saw my long term therapist today. Now, I’ve always had a really good relationship with my therapist but today she turned on me. It was disturbing. I went to the session with my mom, and apparently my mom had emailed her beforehand about how I feel suicidal. Now I really do obsess about PSSD and the blunted emotions that have resulted from discontinuing Prozac and it does make me suicidal, but my therapist started to imply that I’m on a path that will lead to psychosis and a break from reality if I don’t go back on medication. She told me that if my mom wasn’t with me she would have called the police and sent me to a hospital ward to be involuntarily commited before I could leave her office. I was disgusted. I didn’t say anything throughout the session except when I brought up the point that the genital numbness caused by pssd couldnt possibly be something I was imagining. But she wrote that off as a delusion as well. After that I kept my mouth shut because I knew that anything I said would just cause her to further believe I was psychotic. I was diagnosed with depression and social anxiety before medication, not schizophrenia. I’m am absolutely disgusted with my therapist and it’s pretty disheartening to be betrayed by someone I trusted so much. I now have a glimpse of how evil the mental health system really can be. Don’t ever tell anyone in the mental health system that you’re suicidal. Don’t even tell you’re friends, they might call the cops on you and have you involuntarily commited. I’m terrified of being forced into a psych ward and not being allowed to leave unless I agree to take medication. I just barely got over the brunt of withdrawal over these past 8 months. I can’t imagine being forced to go through that again. I am terrified that someone can tell the law that I’m delusional and nothing I say can convince them otherwise. I’m terrified of having my rights taken from me. Unfortunately, that is a reality I face because I opened my mouth about feeling suicidal.

Hi JTS ,this is disgraceful treatment by someone you trusted ,ide report them if the systhem could be trusted,the only way to relieve pressure from yourself is get away from this therapist and find a sympathetic one .do your homework  for the next one.

Forgive there ignorance but they cant allow to think any other way or there "jobs" have no meaning or validation.

You seem very young ,this is brilliant.weather this storm for now .

Keep learning about your  mind and who you are.

I don't say not to talk to your family about your thoughts but we will not get any other result from them panicking after we tell them these things.use your thread or find a healthy support group to express your thoughts.remember they are only thoughts.

The very drugs you were given are making you think like this .

Keep learning and stay strong.

[jakethesnake]

@Lloyd Hey Lloyd, thank you. I did see a urologist briefly and he did a physical examination so I don’t think anything looked too dire. I never went back because all he wanted to do was prescribe medication. I’m not taking viagra at age 19 haha.

[jakethesnake]

@powerback I agree, I am never going back to that therapist. It caught me off guard because she actually is really sympathetic. I’ve been seeing her for the past two years and she has been a godsend up until today. In fact, the last two session she totally believed me when I told her about my withdrawal symptoms and she validated me the whole time. I think she got an inaccurate view of my suicidal ideation and assumed a lot of things this time, but I was in no place to argue. I also think she was scared. I think she genuinely cares about me and the only way to take any stress or burden off of herself is by pushing me away until I’m no longer suicidal. I mean, I can’t imagine the burden she must take as a therapist. Whatever’s her problem, I no longer trust her. If I do see a therapist again it will most likely be a spiritual healer or someone disconnected from the mental health system. Anyways, thank you for your kind words

[thecowisback]

41 minutes ago, jakethesnake said:

I saw my long term therapist today. Now, I’ve always had a really good relationship with my therapist but today she turned on me. It was disturbing. I went to the session with my mom, and apparently my mom had emailed her beforehand about how I feel suicidal. Now I really do obsess about PSSD and the blunted emotions that have resulted from discontinuing Prozac and it does make me suicidal, but my therapist started to imply that I’m on a path that will lead to psychosis and a break from reality if I don’t go back on medication. She told me that if my mom wasn’t with me she would have called the police and sent me to a hospital ward to be involuntarily commited before I could leave her office. I was disgusted. I didn’t say anything throughout the session except when I brought up the point that the genital numbness caused by pssd couldnt possibly be something I was imagining. But she wrote that off as a delusion as well. After that I kept my mouth shut because I knew that anything I said would just cause her to further believe I was psychotic. I was diagnosed with depression and social anxiety before medication, not schizophrenia. I’m am absolutely disgusted with my therapist and it’s pretty disheartening to be betrayed by someone I trusted so much. I now have a glimpse of how evil the mental health system really can be. Don’t ever tell anyone in the mental health system that you’re suicidal. Don’t even tell you’re friends, they might call the cops on you and have you involuntarily commited. I’m terrified of being forced into a psych ward and not being allowed to leave unless I agree to take medication. I just barely got over the brunt of withdrawal over these past 8 months. I can’t imagine being forced to go through that again. I am terrified that someone can tell the law that I’m delusional and nothing I say can convince them otherwise. I’m terrified of having my rights taken from me. Unfortunately, that is a reality I face because I opened my mouth about feeling suicidal.

😨 you must be feeling really betrayed by her!!! i've had some terrible experiences with therapists in the past. i feel like they only know what they've learnt in books and at lectures and don't seem to take real life experiences into account at all. it's as if we're all carbon copies of each other as patients and one treatment will fit all. i have very little faith in the mental health system in general. 

[jakethesnake]

29 minutes ago, Lloyd said:

I haven't experienced PSSD except sexual numbness whilst on the medication but this sounds like it could be something else?

Also I think that it is PSSD. I’ve seen similar symptoms on the web and even here on SA. Also when I was tapering down on Prozac, if I went back up my sexual functioning would restore, so there was a direct connection between my sexual functioning and the drug.

[Lloyd]

I don't envy PSSD. After stopping Effexor mine kind of went the opposite way. Has settled a bit now. I got my testosterone tested too which was very low. Have you had it tested? I get the freezing cold hands & feet like you. My therapist explained its adrenaline causing blood to rush towards the core and away from the limbs. I get other ice cold sensations which arent that though. 

[jakethesnake]

16 minutes ago, thecowisback said:

😨 you must be feeling really betrayed by her!!!

I feel very betrayed! I’ve had some real sh*tty therapists in the past as well, but she’s actually a good one. I just wish therapy wasn’t so inextricably linked to medication. I see you’re tapering Prozac as well? I went from 80 mg to 0, but I was only on for a few years. I hope you’re doing well. I haven’t read your symptoms (I’m on mobile) but mine were pretty brutal in the beginning and now they’ve lessened. Hopefully yours do as well. 

[jakethesnake]

5 minutes ago, Lloyd said:

I don't envy PSSD. After stopping Effexor mine kind of went the opposite way. Has settled a bit now. I got my testosterone tested too which was very low. Have you had it tested? I get the freezing cold hands & feet like you. My therapist explained its adrenaline causing blood to rush towards the core and away from the limbs. I get other ice cold sensations which arent that though. 

I’m positive I never would’ve developed pssd if I didn’t go on such a high dose. I used ssris in the past and I never had any problems sexually until this previous taper. That makes sense about the adrenaline because I get the same cold symptoms when I exercise. Never had it pre ssri however. I haven’t had testosterone checked, but I could if I wanted too.

[thecowisback]

thankyou 👌 you've got age on your side so you should see improvements more quickly hopefully. when you get to be an old crusty like me everything takes a lot longer to heal 😅

i know what you mean about the medication - every time i've seen someone they've tried to put me back on pills. it's the first thing they go to instead of trying to find out why we actually feel the way we do. 

[powerback]

30 minutes ago, jakethesnake said:

only way to take any stress or burden off of herself is by pushing me away until I’m no longer suicidal. I mean, I can’t imagine the burden she must take as a therapist. 

All she did was prove the point of how inadequate a lot of them are .in todays world there days are numbered .could you imagine someone in a more vulnerable state  than you listening to this ,they could easily hurt themselves out of sheer panic ,this is beyond the pale .

 

My first and only  therapist at the start of  meds about 8 years ago ,I thought he was good until I learned more over the years .I shook he's hand once after a session and in the next session he said he was worried I was going off to do something .I had said nothing about suicide back then ,I was simply thankful to get things off my chest .you may aswell be talking to a brick wall with a lot of them ,a lot of there training isn't even understanding the human in front of them ,in todays bureaucracy ,its all about procedure and insurance ,the more we find the good ones and spread the word the better off for all of us   .you'll learn much more going forward in your life .

Take care.

[Elaine5]

Jake, how are you doing?