AWriterByTheFireIntheDark: Zyprexa

[AWriterByTheFireInTheDark]

A writer needs to make a grand entrance.... However grand this is. 

 

It all starts at the beginning of November last when this professional writer leading his active, blissful, self-sufficient 23-year-old life decided to have his existential experience enriched with meditation. The writer, formerly a psychology student, is a creative soul. A mystical one. One that has always "understood" - as much as he could having only been in his body for 23 years. He understands the ego. He understands just how unconscious he is. He understands growth. He knows that there is much more to existence than our consensual, previously conditioned reality. He even had an encounter or two with the sacred and divine. Always through hallucinogens, and always successfully - without the hallucinogens having bad effect. But, he had never meditated before, yet alone have his daily practice. 

 

Why is that even important? 

 

The connection between himself and the unknown was strong. Intuitively, he'd just know. He has a long way to go, but he had already chosen the hero's journey. He had already decided to see into the mystic's dream. 

 

10 days of his meditation practice, he experienced something he had never experienced before. His senses sharpened. His presence - embodied. The 11th day was cathartic. A painful, yet joyous emotional release ready to allow him to understand more. The saying "Mind over matter" now meant something to him. He was exploring his psyche, even wondering and pondering about psychic and energy sensing ability. 

 

A day later he had met with a friend. A friend he was unsure about. Unsure about his intentions. Unsure about just how pure and "good" this fellow is. This friend, he was a mystic himself. But a mystic who'd stained himself black. 

 

Now, our writer, tapping into his "new found power", decided to explore the connection he had with his friend. He took him by his hand, looked into his eyes and asked him about his intentions. 

 

Open and receptive as our writer was to energetic influences at the height of his mystical experience, the sheer act of holding the friend's hand, the sheer act of bonding with another energy source caused some of that other energy to imprint onto his own. 

 

The young writer wasn't prepared to receive any foreign energy, yet alone the energy of a "friend" that was the right hand of Sauron himself. Remember Sauron? Tall, armored, wants to slaughter the world?

 

That was the mistake. That's where the hero of this story loses his touch with reality. The writer's ego wasn't fully formed. It simply wasn't strong enough to handle the situation. So, it inflated. And so began the journey into the dark parts of his psyche, into the world of symbols and synchronicities. A journey into the collective unconscious. The "spirit realm". 

 

The ruling emotion - Fear. 

 

And fear landed  me into the psych ward where Zyprexa entered the scene at 10mg.

 

Released from the hospital 10 days later, I visited my psychiatrist who'd said that I needed to take it for about 6 months. Ofcourse, the only side effect mentioned was weight gain. And ofcourse, due to my parent's fears I went along with it - even though every fiber of my being was screaming at me not to take the friggin drugs. On some level even, I thought I was swallowing a harmless pill. 

 

Harmless?! Harmless?! I hear the voices of Alto, alex, bdtd. Gia's voice, on the other hand, whispers with a smile - You are young, there's so much you have to learn. (I researched this forum extensively, I got to know you guys without ever introducing myself :D ) 

 

Well, yeah, harmless, since the power of what had happened, the power of my experience had my zest for life skyrocket for a full month, despite Zyprexa coursing through my veins. 

 

Fast forward that 2 more months later -- I was a zombie, and a docile one at that. It was then when I realized it was the drugs. It was then when I C/T'd a hefty dose of 7.5 mg Zyprexa. 

 

Fast forward the C/T 2 more months later, and here we are. 

 

The symptoms are debilitating and quite limiting. I barely leave the house. I can, though. But the symptoms and the recommendations for what to do next are not why I am here, although I do count on your support as I make my moves through this process. 

 

The suffering I am going through is nothing.... nothing compared with what some of you have been going through. 

 

What I am here for, for starters, is to stir a discussion.

 

First on the agenda we have the genetics questions - Does taking psychiatric drugs mean that, structurally, the genes differently express themselves? What does that mean in terms of our conscious experience? 

 

Secondly - If anybody has the statistics, do certain demographics do better in recovery than others? 

 

Finally, do psychiatric drugs sever the connection with the divine? We raped our beings. We violated the source. We insulted the natural order. How do we earn it back? How do we step into the magic of the mystic's dream once again? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Shep]

Hi, AWriter,

 

Welcome to Surviving Antidepressants.

 

 

On 4/13/2020 at 10:23 PM, AWriterByTheFireInTheDark said:

Harmless?! Harmless?! I hear the voices of Alto, alex, bdtd. Gia's voice, on the other hand, whispers with a smile - You are young, there's so much you have to learn. (I researched this forum extensively, I got to know you guys without ever introducing myself  ) 

 

It sounds like you're already familiar with the forum. 

 

On 4/13/2020 at 10:23 PM, AWriterByTheFireInTheDark said:

The symptoms are debilitating and quite limiting. I barely leave the house. I can, though. But the symptoms and the recommendations for what to do next are not why I am here, although I do count on your support as I make my moves through this process. 

 

The suffering I am going through is nothing.... nothing compared with what some of you have been going through. 

 

What I am here for, for starters, is to stir a discussion.

 

First on the agenda we have the genetics questions - Does taking psychiatric drugs mean that, structurally, the genes differently express themselves? What does that mean in terms of our conscious experience? 

 

Genetics will tell you very little when it comes to psychiatric drug withdrawal. This post is brilliant in its description of how these drugs create dependency and the effects on the brain/body: 

 

How psychiatric drugs remodel your brain

 

In terms of our conscious experience, we do have some threads dealing with mystical experiences, which you may want to read (if you haven't already), in the Finding Meaning section of the forum: 

 

Confusing spiritual experiences in withdrawal?

 

Spirituality, Philosophy etc

 

GiaK Radical, Transformative Healing of Body/Mind/Spirit

 

there may be others - you can use the search feature or google "surviving antidepressants" + "mystical experiences." 

 

On 4/13/2020 at 10:23 PM, AWriterByTheFireInTheDark said:

Secondly - If anybody has the statistics, do certain demographics do better in recovery than others? 

 

The people who do best are the ones who do a slow taper and learn non-drug coping skills. For those who come off rapid taper or cold turkey, learning non-drug coping skills is the best way to recover. 

 

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 

On 4/13/2020 at 10:23 PM, AWriterByTheFireInTheDark said:

Finally, do psychiatric drugs sever the connection with the divine? We raped our beings. We violated the source. We insulted the natural order. How do we earn it back? How do we step into the magic of the mystic's dream once again? 

 

Psychiatric drugs cause apathy and depersonalization, which can make you feel disconnected and make it hard to feel love for other people and, if you're religious, from your god. It's not about "earning it back," but rather, recovering from a destabilized nervous system. 

 

If "stepping into the magic of the mystic's dream once again" means being able to act in ways that disturb other people who have more power than you, you likely are going to end up back in a psychiatric prison. Please note that psychiatry is a form of social control meant to adjust you to the norms of the prevailing social order. What gets you in a psychiatric prison is bothering other people. So you'll have to find ways of exploring mystical experiences away from other people who have the power to incarcerate you and find ways of connecting to the divine in safer ways. 

 

It looks like you're completely off all psychiatric drugs. Is that correct? Do you have a history of using psychedelics or other drugs as a way of reaching mystical experiences? Please note that using any of these types of drugs can make your recovery much worse, as they also affect the central nervous system. So you'll want to wait until you're recovered to use these. Also, if using any type of drug created the situation that landed you in a psych ward, you may be someone who isn't able to metabolize these drugs well and it may be something you'll want to avoid. 

 

How are you feeling now? What symptoms are you having? How is your sleep? 

[AWriterByTheFireInTheDark]

20 hours ago, Shep said:

Please note that psychiatry is a form of social control meant to adjust you to the norms of the prevailing social order.

 

Did they? Adjust us, I mean? I find I follow "orders" much more easily, (take out the trash, do this, do that) while my self-initiative and me asking other people to do something for me is practically non-existent. What are your thoughts on that? I reckon that's the frontal lobe not working properly. 

20 hours ago, Shep said:

It looks like you're completely off all psychiatric drugs. Is that correct? Do you have a history of using psychedelics or other drugs as a way of reaching mystical experiences? Please note that using any of these types of drugs can make your recovery much worse, as they also affect the central nervous system. 

 

Correct, I am off all psychiatric drugs. I cold turkey'd Zyprexa after 3 months of usage - the dose was 10mg for 2 months, then 7.5 mg the last month. I do have a history of using psychedelics, but I never abused them. I have this golden rule of "do it twice a year". That's not the issue here, since I don't plan on using any psychoactive substance while I am in recovery. 

20 hours ago, Shep said:

How are you feeling now? What symptoms are you having? How is your sleep? 

 

It's been two and a half months since I cold turkey'd. The first two months were... I can't even find the appropriate words to describe it. However, things have stabilized in the last two weeks. I am left with cognitive problems (mental stamina, ability to process information, memory problems), balance issues, agoraphobia (it's rather resistance to going outside since being inside/outside makes no difference, it's like I don't differentiate changes in environment) I start walking from point A, and when I reach point B I have the following thought - It's like I teleported from point A to B. 

 

Crying spells, occasional panic, reading issues, eye issues, anhedonia, emotional anesthesia. verbal processing and word recall. Cortisol mornings.... It's a cluster of symptoms... 

 

 I've missed a few symptoms for sure, but I don't think I even have to list them all, since they are all interconnected. One symptom follows another making a whole dimension of 'em. (I believe you understand what I am talking about) 

 

My sleep has stabilized to 7-8hours a night, uninterrupted. I fall asleep at about 2am, waking up at 10-11am. 

[AWriterByTheFireInTheDark]

Oh, forgot to mention. Fatigue is also a symptom. And sexual symptoms... (volume of ejaculate, arousal dysfunction, and much less sexual stamina (PE) 

[Shep]

1 hour ago, AWriterByTheFireInTheDark said:

Did they? Adjust us, I mean? I find I follow "orders" much more easily, (take out the trash, do this, do that) while my self-initiative and me asking other people to do something for me is practically non-existent. What are your thoughts on that? I reckon that's the frontal lobe not working properly. 

 

Well, it's not just about following orders, but about your ability to not bother people who have the power to psychiatrize you. I'm glad you found this site and are researching these drugs. You're right - they do affect the frontal lobe, but your short term exposure works to your advantage. 

 

1 hour ago, AWriterByTheFireInTheDark said:

Correct, I am off all psychiatric drugs. I cold turkey'd Zyprexa after 3 months of usage - the dose was 10mg for 2 months, then 7.5 mg the last month. I do have a history of using psychedelics, but I never abused them. I have this golden rule of "do it twice a year". That's not the issue here, since I don't plan on using any psychoactive substance while I am in recovery. 

 

I'm glad you're off psychedelics for now. Please only go back to this once you have completely recovered and are around people who know what they're doing. As Alan Watts said, "“[P]sychedelic experience is only a glimpse of genuine mystical insight, but a glimpse which can be matured and deepened by the various ways of meditation in which drugs are no longer necessary or useful. When you get the message, hang up the phone. For psychedelic drugs are simply instruments, like microscopes, telescopes, and telephones. The biologist does not sit with eye permanently glued to the microscope; he goes away and works on what he has seen.”

 

 

58 minutes ago, AWriterByTheFireInTheDark said:

Oh, forgot to mention. Fatigue is also a symptom. And sexual symptoms... (volume of ejaculate, arousal dysfunction, and much less sexual stamina (PE) 

 

1 hour ago, AWriterByTheFireInTheDark said:

It's been two and a half months since I cold turkey'd. The first two months were... I can't even find the appropriate words to describe it. However, things have stabilized in the last two weeks. I am left with cognitive problems (mental stamina, ability to process information, memory problems), balance issues, agoraphobia (it's rather resistance to going outside since being inside/outside makes no difference, it's like I don't differentiate changes in environment) I start walking from point A, and when I reach point B I have the following thought - It's like I teleported from point A to B. 

 

1 hour ago, AWriterByTheFireInTheDark said:

My sleep has stabilized to 7-8hours a night, uninterrupted. I fall asleep at about 2am, waking up at 10-11am. 

 

It sounds like you're still dealing with a lot of symptoms, however, you're seeing improvements. 

 

We sometimes recommend reinstating a small amount of a drug in order to mitigate withdrawal symptoms, but you've been off the benzodiazepine for 4 months, and benzos are best reinstated at no more than 1 month since your last dose. So we wouldn't recommend it for that drug.

 

You were only on the Aurorix for one month, so you may not want to reinstate that drug, either.

 

And since you're seeing improvements in sleep and other symptoms, you may not want to reinstate the Zyprexa, either, but it is an option. I'm going to give you the link to the reinstatement thread:

 

About reinstating and stabilizing to reduce withdrawal symptoms

 

Please post your thoughts on reinstatement. I get the vibe that you are done with psych drugs and may do just fine with a lot of self-care and rest over the coming weeks. What do you think? 

 

[BestIsYetToCome13]

How are you doing now?