sleepyshayera: guilt and regrets on restarting medications

October 7, 2020

I was suffering from dysthemia due to my lowering grades and addiction to porn and stuff. I don't even remember what came first. Anyway I had a breakup and that affected my studies, social life and everything for about a year. I went for therapy to my university counselling team and that helped for some time. But soon I had to go back to my addictions to cope up with life. Then came quarantine. I took a long break from studies just like everyone else probably did. And sank deep into my addictions. I stayed up all night watching movies, tv series, talking to people who didn't even matter and slept all day. I would occasionally cook for my parents and that was all. I was happy. And then I adopted a cat. But after a month my online classes started. And my mom could never accept me having a cat. So eventually I had to send the cat back to its owner. And when I realised I wanted to stop my bad habits once and for all. It was too late perhaps. I was feeling all sorts of guilt and ruminating over the past made me feel suicidal at one point in quarantine. Online classes started and I found it difficult to focus on my studies. I couldn't remember a thing I was studying. I thought I needed help with my depression and my mom suggested that I should talk to my university's counsellor. But I made a stupid mistake. This is probably the mistake that I'm going to regret for a long long time.

Four years ago I was diagnosed with moderate depression and I was taken to a psychiatrist for that. I underwent treatment and therapy and I got somewhat better and stopped taking the meds without informing the doctor.

Back to the present, I looked up that doctor online and consulted him and started taking meds without even meeting him in person. I wish I had not done that. 15 days later my mom took me to his chamber as I was getting way worse and the initial problems that I had were worsening. He only kept adding more and more antidepressants to my prescription after every 15 days. Now its been 2 months of feeling nauseated, zombie like feelings. I haven't felt like myself in all this time. I feel like these medicines have done more damage to my brain and nervous system than anything else ever did. I so regret going to that psychiatrist. His true intention wasn't to help me but only to push more and more drugs towards my way. He started me on 50 gm desvelanfaxine and 7.5 mg mirtazapine.

15 days after that I was feeling way more suicidal and irritable than before. So he amped up my dosage to 100 mg desvelanfaxine. And now I'm on 150 mg desvelanfaxine with 10.5 mg mirtazapine. I want to get off of these meds. I don't know what to do or how to get off. I feel like they've made me lose my brain's natural capacity to remember things and focus on tasks. I've also been given 100 mg modafinil for concentration and focus which are issues created by the antidepressants I wanna get off of these and any suggestions would be appreciated

My psychiatrist isn't helping me neither are my parents. So I'm literally on my own now. My parents won't take me to any other doctor.

Edited October 7, 2020 by manymoretodays
moved from S and S care, name and title added

October 7, 2020

I was suffering from dysthemia due to my lowering grades and addiction to porn and stuff. I don't even remember what came first. Anyway I had a breakup and that affected my studies, social life and everything for about a year. I went for therapy to my university counselling team and that helped for some time. But soon I had to go back to my addictions to cope up with life. Then came quarantine. I took a long break from studies just like everyone else probably did. And sank deep into my addictions. I stayed up all night watching movies, tv series, talking to people who didn't even matter and slept all day. I would occasionally cook for my parents and that was all. I was happy. And then I adopted a cat. But after a month my online classes started. And my mom could never accept me having a cat. So eventually I had to send the cat back to its owner. And when I realised I wanted to stop my bad habits once and for all. It was too late perhaps. I was feeling all sorts of guilt and ruminating over the past made me feel suicidal at one point in quarantine. Online classes started and I found it difficult to focus on my studies. I couldn't remember a thing I was studying. I thought I needed help with my depression and my mom suggested that I should talk to my university's counsellor. But I made a stupid mistake. This is probably the mistake that I'm going to regret for a long long time.

Four years ago I was diagnosed with moderate depression and I was taken to a psychiatrist for that. I underwent treatment and therapy and I got somewhat better and stopped taking the meds without informing the doctor.

Back to the present, I looked up that doctor online and consulted him and started taking meds without even meeting him in person. I wish I had not done that. 15 days later my mom took me to his chamber as I was getting way worse and the initial problems that I had were worsening. He only kept adding more and more antidepressants to my prescription after every 15 days. Now its been 2 months of feeling nauseated, zombie like feelings. I haven't felt like myself in all this time. I feel like these medicines have done more damage to my brain and nervous system than anything else ever did. I so regret going to that psychiatrist. His true intention wasn't to help me but only to push more and more drugs towards my way. He started me on 50 gm desvelanfaxine and 7.5 mg mirtazapine.

15 days after that I was feeling way more suicidal and irritable than before. So he amped up my dosage to 100 mg desvelanfaxine. And now I'm on 150 mg desvelanfaxine with 10.5 mg mirtazapine. I want to get off of these meds. I don't know what to do or how to get off. I feel like they've made me lose my brain's natural capacity to remember things and focus on tasks. I've also been given 100 mg modafinil for concentration and focus which are issues created by the antidepressants I wanna get off of these and any suggestions would be appreciated

My psychiatrist isn't helping me neither are my parents. So I'm literally on my own now. My parents won't take me to any other doctor.

I'm feeling like this is not what I signed up for when I opted for a psychiatrist instead of psychologist. I feel helpless to the point where I'm considering suicide as a way of escaping from life. I don't know what to do.

Edited October 9, 2020 by Altostrata
moved from S and S care, suicide topic

October 7, 2020

Hi sleepyshayera and welcome aboard,

I found a couple of your starting posts in topics in our Symptoms and Self Care forum and moved them here, so that you can have an Introduction of your own first.

Many of us do have regrets and you are not alone in that.

I wound up on these drugs for many years myself. I wasn't getting better, only more mired in the psychiatric system.......and after many, many years finally saw the light and worked my way free of it.

Lot's of help here too, which helped me get off my last drugs more cautiously than ever before, as well support and a place for my new found voice and wisdom.

Please don't get stuck on suicide thoughts now or fixate on that.

There are other options and your current despair will not last forever. Your brain will recover again.

It does sound like you could surely use some additional support around your feelings now. Do you still have access to the University counselor? Even if it results in a video type of appointment, you really should talk to someone who can help you reshape the situation a bit.

There might be something here that appeals to you as well, in this topic, sometimes just talking and being heard and listened to can be life saving.

For those who are feeling desperate or suicidal

^ especially the first post there, but then there may be some resources you can find in the thread, specific to your location. If not in person, by phone.

I think we can help you with your desire to get free of these drugs. You will, however need to be able to self manage, and make some decisions on your own. And begin to manage some of your behaviors as well. All while doing your best at home, to manage with your parents and this crazy doctor of yours.

Before you begin tapering- what you need to know

I think you are definitely having a lot of adverse effects from the medications, worse symptoms now, than what you were feeling before.

And it's not a very healthy combination of drugs either!

So.....let's see how we can help.

My understanding from your narratives is that you were able to go medication free for 4 years. Then due to circumstances and frustrations got started up again 2 months ago with the following medications:

mirtazapine 10.5 mg (up from 7.5 mg)

desvenlafaxine 150 mg (up from a 50 mg starting dose)

modanfinil 100 mg

Please summarize your recent drug history in your signature

^ just go to that link and it pretty much summarizes what we'd like to see there, it's the section that you'll see below your posts, once it's completed.

Again, welcome. You've now started an introduction page and introduced yourself to the community. This is an excellent place to post your progress and ask questions around your specifics.

Love, peace, healing, and growth,

moderator manymoretodays

October 8, 2020

@manymoretodays Thank you so much for your reply. Yes I'm im touch with the university counsellor. I'm also talking to friends about my situation. I hope I can recover my brain from this as healthily as I can. Its really frustrating to feel like a zombie and not feeling like myself. I'm really sick and tired at this point. I'm in need of guidance regarding the tapering off. I was seriously doing so much better before I got on these medications. I want to get off of these. I know for a fact that my crazy psychiatrist won't help me at all. Even my mom thinks I'm crazy now. This doctor even convinced my mom that patients like me are often kept in psychiatric wards and closely monitored!!! He has guts! I wish I had enough money to file a lawsuit against him. I'm really scared, angry and furious. But no one believes me anymore. It's so frustrating. The only person who can help me and understands that these meds are causing me trouble is me. University counsellor also told me that O need to stay strong and think about the risks and benefits involved before I start to taper myself off these drugs. But I want to start the process as soon as I can. I don't want my brain to go any worse. I feel like a wreck. I'm only alive because I have faith on God. May God help me survive this.

Thanks again and wish me luck. And provide me more info where I can get direct advice and help regarding the tapering process.

Love for all. May God help everyone who are suffering from these evil drugs.

October 8, 2020

Hi sleepy,

11 hours ago, sleepyshayera said:

Thanks again and wish me luck. And provide me more info where I can get direct advice and help regarding the tapering process.

We've got a lot of topics here, and can guide you along the way with suggestions.

And you can check these:

Recommended doctors, therapists, and clinics

Mad in America's Individual Practitioner Archives

I know there are some that are outside of the U.S.

I'll have to come back around later, and can give you a bit more, with links, around your present drugs, and then more on tapering as well. We generally take a harm reduction approach and go with 10% or less with each taper.

Did you have a chance to look at the signature link I gave you?

It may be easier to complete that on a PC:

Information that we are looking for (taken from that link):

Your signature appears under all your posts.

Staff needs this information to answer your questions. In your signature, we need to see

- Exactly what you're taking now, with dosages and when you started each drug

- What you were taking before, with dosages and start and stop dates

Approximate start dates, and change in dosage dates will be really helpful to us for all your present drugs by name.

As the signature is limited to 12 lines, we expect you will condense your drug history. The last few years usually will do.

FOR READABILITY, SHORT LINES ARE BEST.

A list is easier to understand than one or multiple paragraphs
Include ALL drugs, doses, and dates (starting and stopping)
Any drugs prior to 24 months ago can just be listed with start and stop years
Use actual dates or approximate dates (e.g. mid-June 2018) rather than relative time frames (e.g. 3 months ago)
Spell out months (e.g. "January" or "Jan" as 9/1/2016 can be interpreted as 9 Jan 2016 or 1 Sept 2016)
Please leave out symptoms and diagnoses

How to add or edit your signature

Click on this link to open the correct page in User Settings:
Create Your Signature in "Account Settings".
2017-June 12 update: link works on desktop, tablet and mobile phone versions
Enter your signature in the space provided.
When you are done, Click on the big black Save button at the bottom.

If the link isn't working, follow these steps:

Click on the small downward arrow next to your name in the top right corner of any page.
Select Account Settings from the list.
On the left of the Account Settings page, click on the Signature tab. You will be able to add or edit your signature.
Click on the big black Save button at the bottom when you are done.

Give the above a try and I'll be back around as soon as I can.

And hugs.

L, P, H, and G,

mmt

October 9, 2020

@manymoretodays I have completed my signature. Unfortunately the links you provided here are not helpful for me as I'm someone from outside USA.

I'm actually from Bangladesh in Asia.

Anyway I just need guidance regarding the tapering and what sort of supplements I need to take to heal my brain. I have already developed akasthisia Doctor told me to take benzodiazapine for that. But I don't want to take that since I've heard so many people who suffered severely from benzodiazapines. I want to heal No one is believing me. My mom thinks I'm crazy whenever I tell her these drugs are making my brain worse. Sometimes I feel like giving up and dying. I'm all on my own. I don't even know if I'm even mentally stable enough to start the tapering by myself. My next appointment with the doctor is on 13th October. He won't help me with tapering I know that well enough. He will add more drugs that will make me worse. All I feel now is regret for starting these medications in the first place. I keep crying all day. I don't know if I will ever recover from these. I don't know if my brain will ever recover. I'm just stuck. I cannot think clearly anymore.

I have downloaded Dr Petter Breggin's book Psychiatric Drug Withdrawal. I hope I can get some help. My brain is already disabled

Edited October 9, 2020 by sleepyshayera

October 9, 2020

Hi sleepy,

Yes, sorry about that. I am not seeing any practitioners listed in Asia either.

I think it's entirely possible that you are suffering now from some drug interactions.

Can you access Drugs.com and plug in your medications?

Here's what I saw initially there: Drug Interaction Report- Drugs.com

That mirtazapine and desvenlafaxine interaction is not a good one. And I think you might be suffering from some adverse effects of that drug interaction. Keep in mind, I am only a peer counselor, who has been through it all myself with these medications.......and managed to come out on the other side, without them.

On 10/7/2020 at 1:50 AM, sleepyshayera said:

Now its been 2 months of feeling nauseated, zombie like feelings. I haven't felt like myself in all this time

This doesn't sound like akathisia to me.

4 hours ago, sleepyshayera said:

I don't even know if I'm even mentally stable enough to start the tapering by myself. My next appointment with the doctor is on 13th October. He won't help me with tapering I know that well enough. He will add more drugs that will make me worse. All I feel now is regret for starting these medications in the first place. I keep crying all day. I don't know if I will ever recover from these. I don't know if my brain will ever recover. I'm just stuck. I cannot think clearly anymore.

Some of this, however, may have been induced by your drug(s) now. And is not likely to be any non-scientific "mental illness".

Do you have any recall of when your symptoms worsened? In regards to the drug increases and dates that you have listed?

Why were you given the mirtazapine? Why the desvenlafaxine? Why the modafinil?

Were you given any information about your prescriptions prior to taking them?

Have any of them helped, at any time?

I know you are feeling really mentally wiped out right now, but if you can........give us some objective Notes

Basically, if you can just note what day it is, and then, note the times on the left throughout the day. On the right, note your drug(s) by name and dose. Also on the right note symptoms as they occur, give descriptions, rather than terms like akathisia. Note sleep. Note eating. Note any activities that you are able to do.

I think if I were you I would back down on those increased doses(of September 28th) now, as it's just been 11 days, and consider ditching the modafinil completely.

That way you won't have to taper off this one or deal with it later. It usually takes about 2 weeks to a month for your body to get dependent on these kinds of drugs.

Do you have access to any other doctors/prescribers than the awful one who just keeps throwing these drugs at you? If it was me, I'd fire him. A regular doctor might be just fine for you. You don't neccessarily need a psychiatrist.

It's going to take some time too, sleepy.......getting to a more stable place. You are doing great, with your faith and holding on adding any other drugs right now.

You do need some better support and understanding right now. Perhaps see if you can get your Mum on board with what's happening now?

You also need to stay safe and as calm as possible.

I'm glad to hear you've got some friends that might be able to help too.

I sure wish I knew of some in person or telehealth resources for helping you in Asia.

It's not much different, believe me, in the U.S........as far as finding support that is outside of the mainstream beliefs around mental illness and these drugs. Many of us do have to go it alone, much of the time........without a whole lot of in person understanding.

I'm going to give you the tips to tapering links on 2 of your present drugs now, you'll also find more information about the drugs themselves there:

Tips for tapering off mirtazapine(Remeron)

Tips for tapering off Pristiq(desvenlafaxine)

I'm not finding anything in regards to the modafinil/Provigil here, on site.

I am hoping that you can access Drugs.com and that is an excellent starting place for information on drugs as well.

This should take you to that site: Drugs.com and then you can plug in modafinil or Provigil in the top box and read more about it, if you would like.

You had also asked about supplements. The only 2 that we recommend are:

BASIC SUPPLEMENT TOOLKIT

King of supplements: Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil)

Magnesium, nature's calcium channel blocker

Just start with one or the other, with a single ingredient type.

All for now, and best,

L, P, H, and G,

mmt

Edited October 9, 2020 by manymoretodays

October 9, 2020

Hello, @sleepyshayera

150mg desvenlafaxine is a truly excessive dosage of that drug.

I agree with manymoretodays:

5 hours ago, manymoretodays said:

I think if I were you I would back down on those increased doses(of September 28th) now, as it's just been 11 days, and consider ditching the modafinil completely.

You were taking 100mg desvenlafaxine and 7.5mg mirtazapine on September 28, correct? When did you add modafinil?

You need to find a new doctor. Any doctor can prescribe these drugs, it doesn't have to be a psychiatrist.

October 10, 2020

@Altostrata I know right? I have always been an extremely shy and introvert person and this drug has somehow made my communication skills worse. Also I feel like my thinking and feelings are suppressed. I cannot even express myself properly.

Anyway I won't probably have access to any other doctor. I have access to my university counsellor. But she's not a psychiatrist. She knows about the drug issues I'm having. She wanted to talk to my mom. But my mom just won't listen to anyone. She's completely biased towards the pill pushing psychiatrist He made her believe that I need these drugs otherwise I'd be unmanageable and needed to be kept in a hospital. It's absolutely sick thinking about how I fell into these situation. I only feel regret for myself. My parents won't believe me because I've lied to them about many things including academics and stuff. I don't even have any income of my own. So I can't even afford to see another doctor. I'm scared to the point where I'm crying all day. My parents see me cry but they just keep saying it's all my fault. I should have tried to manage my depression by myself and should have never gone to the doctor.

However, if I wanted to taper off the drugs by myself, I really don't know how I'd do that without putting my brain at more risk of damage. Desvelanfaxine cannot be cut or crushed at any circumstances. So idk how I will taper off of it by 10% dosage reduction. Its really difficult. Also little to no information on successful tapering of pristiq on the Internet.

FYI- English is not my first language so I'm not very good at it. But it feels better to just let out all these words of burden to someone.

God bless you all. 💕

October 10, 2020

How many desvenlafaxine tablets do you take each day?

It's relatively easy to reduce mirtazapine. Tips for tapering off mirtazapine (Remeron)

October 10, 2020

@Altostrata

3 per day Two in the morning after breakfast. One after lunch. 50 mg tablets are available in our country. Smaller dosages are not available. 🙃

I've started noticing my brain functioning getting worse after I started taking 50 mg desvenlafaxine and 7.5 mirtazapine

And it progressively got worse from there. The doctor kept saying these are happening because my depression is getting worse. And my mom believed his words She still believes his words over mine. Its hell on earth. I feel really helpless.

October 10, 2020

You could easily take 100mg desvenlafaxine. Take only 2 tablets per day.

October 10, 2020

@Altostrata

Wouldn't that cause extreme withdrawal symptoms? I remember one day I took my 3rd pill a bit too late and it caused me to have a really bad panic attack.

October 10, 2020

Hi sleepy,

If you've just been on the extra 50 mg since the 28th, with the Pristiq, it's not as likely to cause severe WD. I counted 11 days, yesterday, since September 28th.

The key will be in your non-drug coping now, and finding new ways to deal with emotions. It's about a month usually, until most of these drugs get their grips into you. And ......you will still be maintaining a good concentration of the drug in your system, with the 100 mg dose/day.

And good, you did take a look at the tapering topic, so you've seen how this, Pristiq/desvenlafaxine, has the matrix for extended release built right in........thus, making it nearly impossible to split or crush(of course some have experimented).......as that results in immediate release.

11 hours ago, sleepyshayera said:

3 per day Two in the morning after breakfast. One after lunch. 50 mg tablets are available in our country. Smaller dosages are not available. 🙃

8 hours ago, sleepyshayera said:

I remember one day I took my 3rd pill a bit too late and it caused me to have a really bad panic attack.

So, if it was me, I go with one in the morning, and one after lunch.

Did you just start the modafinil on the 28th of September?

And when and how much of the mirtazapine are you taking now?

I think you might really benefit from beginning to work some non-drug coping skills now too.

These are things that the University counselor might also be glad to help you begin to practice. It's pretty normal to experience some distress, when heading off to University for the first time, or when finding it may not be for you, at this time, or during this covid 19 situation. We're not big on medicating normal life experiences.

Yes, parents can be tough........and you may need to regain their trust, after lying to them about academics. I expect that you are having a tough time as well, as far as expectations go, of yourself. You are young. You've got time. I am glad you have a roof over your head and food to eat.

This whole thing may become one of your more incredible growth experiences.

And.....it's not your fault sleepy. It really isn't. These drugs can do incredibly harmful things to the psych, and, the whole of a person. You didn't know.

Symptoms and Self Care Forum

you'll find whole bunches of different modalities to cope there

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

^ another whole indexed list of things to choose from in the first post

I'd suggest picking out one or two to begin to practice, before you might have a panic attack.

I like the 4- 7- 8 breathing : Guided 4-7-8 Breathing

And some: beginning Yoga for Anxiety and Panic

Okay. You are communicating well, with the written language. You may have to hunt for some video's on your own, if those don't work for you......they are in English.

L, P, H, and G,

mmt

Edited October 10, 2020 by manymoretodays

October 11, 2020

@manymoretodays

Thank you so much for your kind words and support.

I think I'll take 100 mg desvelanfaxine from today. I just need to stay strong. But sometimes I feel like I'm going insane. My university's psychologist talked to my mom yesterday Guess what she said! She told her that I'm being way too scared about the meds and I need them to keep myself stable! She was the last person I talked to, with the hope that she would convince my mom about the bad effects of these meds. But there has been some miscommunication from my side probably. I couldn't make her understand what I actually am feeling. She told my mom to take me to university for a face to face conversation. I hope I will be able to communicate properly about my feelings and problems during that session.

Anyway, I'm taking 10.5 mg mirtazapine every night before dinner. That's how the doctor prescribed it. I actually need to make some changes in my drug signature list. The dates are not correct. I'm having trouble remembering stuff. I'll correct it later seeing my prescription.

October 12, 2020

Update- I've been taking 100 mg desvelanfaxine. 50 mg tablets one after breakfast and another after lunch. I feel some change in me. My head feels lighter. I still feel kinda crazy. I still regret my decision of starting the meds so that's there. I took the next semester off so I'll be working on my recovery.

I'm not sure whether to go to my psychiatrist for dosage adjustment or a medicine doctor. I'm really confused.

@manymoretodays

@Altostrata

Edited October 12, 2020 by sleepyshayera
Getting some support

October 12, 2020

Good to hear. Why are you taking modafinil?

Any doctor may prescribe these drugs. You may wish to work with the doctor that is willing to help you minimize them. Your psychiatrist seems quite irresponsible.

October 12, 2020

He had prescribed modafinil to improve my concentration and focus which had actually decreased due to chronic sleep deprivation. 🙂 I wish I had known about melatonin supplements before.

Anyway I'm experiencing very mild symptoms of serotonin syndrome. Probably because of the SNRI pristiq. I'm absolutely losing my mind thinking about how I'm going to taper off of pristiq. Meanwhile I had to skip a dose of mirtazapine tonight because I ran out of them. 🤦🏽‍♀️ Bleh it's all a mess.

October 16, 2020

Update - I had to go the same psychiatrist for treatment because my mom wouldn't take me anywhere else. He made no change to my prescription and advised to come for next visit after 1.5 months He bashed me for sending him link to Petter Breggin's video on the dangers of psychiatric drugs. He convinced me and my mom that the SNRI he's using for my treatment is not going to damage my brain. He insulted me saying the sources from where I get information about dangers of antidepressants are wrong. He even said that little knowledge can be dangerous and I'm being too paranoid.

But I've been feeling so agitated all the time. My depression went from major depressive disorder to agitated depression. I feel like I'm not in control of my nervous system. I have to constantly move my arms or legs. It's hell. He told me to take 1 mg of benzodiazepine for the agitation but I haven't taken any at all. Because I've heard all sorts of bad stuff about benzos. I just feel scared of everything.

@Altostrata I've been taking two pristiq tablets one in morning and one after lunch even though he had prescribed 2 in the morning and 1 after lunch. I've restarted modafinil since I cannot stop taking it abruptly without my mom noticing.

He also prescribed me omega 3(1 mg capsule) twice a day.

October 16, 2020

How does your mother control your intake of modafinil?

Please keep daily notes of times of day you take your drugs, their dosages, and your symptoms throughout the day. Post 24 hours of notes at a time in this topic, in a simple list format with time of day on the left and notation (symptom or drug and dosage) on the right. This can show if your symptoms are adverse effects from one of your drugs.

October 16, 2020

Sleepy,

Hang in there. We're all rooting for you!

And yes, many of us have faced the same with psychiatrists and Mums. And managed to come on out on the other side, just fine. It takes time, and a heck of a lot of patience, as well as hope for a better future. To some, they may never quite get it.......and that's their problem. I'm glad you are on the side of the "get it's " at an early age too.

Take a look at that link Alto just gave, it'll help and then here is a copy of a sample note, from that link as well.

6 a.m. Woke with anxiety
8 a.m. Took 2.5mg Lexapro
10 a.m. Stomach is upset
10:30 a.m. Ate breakfast
11:35 a.m. Got a headache, lasted one hour
12:35 p.m. Ate lunch
4 p.m. Feel a bit better
5 p.m. Took 2.5mg Lexapro
6 p.m. Ate dinner
9:20 p.m. Headache
10:00 p.m. Took 50mg Seroquel
10:20 p.m. Feeling dizzy
10:30 p.m. Fell asleep
2:30 a.m. Woke, took 3mg Ambien (NOT "took 1/2 tablet Ambien")
2:45 a.m. Fell asleep
4:30 a.m. Woke but got back to sleep

Keep it simple, times on the left.......and medications, by name and dose on the right. Go through the whole day. Include supplements on the right, name and dosage. Activities, symptoms- brief description of, and sleep, all on the right as well.

You are not paranoid, just a bit more enlightened than doctor and Mom.

And any healthy distractions you can do now.....will really help.

Dealing with Emotional Spirals

Neuro- emotions

Go to some music, if need be, and just some body calming stretches, or gentle dance. Sometimes when our nervous systems are on fire, so to speak, one has to step outside of the head a bit. Don't go to porn or over gaming or any of that........be looking for some soothing distractions. Elevator music better than hard rock or Punk, or whatever.

You get the gist I'm sure.

Thank you Alto!!! And thank you sleepy too, for all your patience.......especially that you can bestow upon yourself now.

L, P, H, and G,

mmt

October 17, 2020

@manymoretodays

@Altostrata

Thanks for the constant support It's great to have people who understand and trust me even a little. I guess it is true that sometimes strangers can be more insightful than close ones.

I am just scared of being on such high dosage of these drugs. My psychiatrist told us that he plans to keep me on these meds for a total of 6 months including tapering off of them. I am not sure how he is planning my treatment. I am so disgusted by his behavior that I barely talk to him about my symptoms anymore.

Anyway I am going to try doing some CNS calming yoga. I hope it calms my nerves a bit. 🤞

October 17, 2020

Hello everyone! I am still pretty new to the forum. So my posts are a bit all over the place. I've been suffering from major depressive disorder from July,2020. I consulted a psychiatrist online and started taking mirtazapine which gave me anxiety and restlessness. From then onwards my psych went on increasing the antidepressants and kept on adding more stuff to it. The main cause for my dysthymia to burst into severe depression was chronic sleep deprivation and the loss of my pet. The main issues were never really addressed but my depression now turned into agitated depression where I just feel apathy and agitation. I feel a deep sense of anger and regret for starting medications instead of going for talk therapy at first. But I am trying to stay as sane as I can and hoping for things to get better, living one day at a time.

I just learnt that the problems I am having regarding cognitive dysfunction are called brain fog. I am not sure what's causing it. But I have found some ideas to try and clear it up.

4.30 am- Woke up

5.00 am- prayed, recited Quran

5.30 am- did some yoga

6.00 am- fell asleep

10.00 am- woke up, had breakfast

10.30 am- took 50 mg pristiq

150 mg modafinil

1 gm omega-3

11.30 am- feeling awake but still sleepy

12.00 pm- ate some fruits and nuts

12.30 pm- wrote a few lines of code had trouble concentrating

1.00 pm- took a shower

1.30 pm- short nap woke up feeling heavy headed

2.00 pm- took lunch

2.15 pm- took 50 mg pristiq

October 17, 2020

Please post daily notes at least 24 hours at a time.

October 19, 2020

I have finally been able to understand why antidepressants are not making me feel or function better. I am suffering from depersonalization derealization disorder. It first started when I left my house after staying in for 5 months due to quarantine. Eventually it went away as I went out more frequently. But when I started taking meds for MDD, my anxiety level started increasing. I think antidepressants are making me more numbed out. There was some really stressful situations that also led to my dp/dr. I had noticed it and talked about it with my psych. But as usual he just brushed it off saying it was just my depression getting worse.

But I knew something else was causing me to feel so unfamiliar with my own body and surroundings. In the beginning I thought that I was losing my mind. I was scared and started believing I will never get out of this. Learning more about this condition has given me some hope for recovery. This is definitely one of the toughest battles I have ever had to fight until now. And I am only 22. My memory, attention span, concentration everything's just gone. Not being able to express yourself, feeling distant from your own memories, feeling like a spectator of your life is really tough. Specially when people don't believe it because they are not experiencing it. It is really disappointing that many psychiatrists and psychologists don't want to acknowledge this problem while treating patients. I guess this is why most people never feel encouraged to seek help for mental health issues as they are often misdiagnosed and poorly treated.

Constantly ruminating over past, chronic stress, dysthymia, chronic sleep deprivation- all of these have also probably contributed to me getting dp/dr. I also have an unhealthy obsession of scouring the internet for anything related to my symptoms as I just feel stuck. When I am with people I pretend to be okay and normal so that they don't think I am different but I don't even remember feeling normal. There are tons of videos about it and many self help books. But everything seems too good to be true. Recovery seems too far and too difficult. However, there is a little voice within me that keeps saying- "This too shall pass. Nothing is constant." I guess I have to try listening to that voice and keep the hope alive. Sorry about the essay but it just feels nice to share my thoughts with others who have been on the same journey as me.

I am just really scared. I don't know what to do about my symptoms or who to tell. My doctor wont help me neither will anyone else. I just feel stuck.

Hoping for better days ahead. Love and prayers.

Humayera Shayera Huri

October 19, 2020

On 10/12/2020 at 5:57 PM, sleepyshayera said:

Update- I've been taking 100 mg desvelanfaxine. 50 mg tablets one after breakfast and another after lunch. I feel some change in me. My head feels lighter. I still feel kinda crazy. I still regret my decision of starting the meds so that's there. I took the next semester off so I'll be working on my recovery.

I'm not sure whether to go to my psychiatrist for dosage adjustment or a medicine doctor. I'm really confused.

@manymoretodays

@Altostrata

I think this dosage reduction by me is what's making my depersonalization worse. I am clueless and absolutely terrified. I'm just crying and panicking alone.

It's horrible.

@Altostrata

October 19, 2020

Antidepressants don't make everyone feel better. It's very possible they have an adverse effect, especially at very high doses.

What do you mean by "derealization"?

In what way did decreasing from 150mg desvenlafaxine to 100mg desvenlafaxine -- still a very high dosage -- cause your symptom pattern to change?

Please post daily notes at least 24 hours at a time, that's what I want to see.

October 20, 2020

Everything around me just feels different than usual. As if I'm seeing things through someone else's eyes. As if I'm not in control of my body and mind. My own life and my memories seem too distant from me. I feel like a zombie/robot all of the time. And antidepressants are making things worse. It's so frustrating. I cannot even explain this to the doctor. When I tried explaining he just said its because of depression. He keeps saying that I don't understand a thing about my condition. He keeps convincing my mom that this PRISTIQ is an amazing medicine. It works so well and etc etc. We just have to wait. But I've been feeling like ****. No one even cares anymore. Sometimes I feel like everyone would be better off without me in their lives. My parents are even trying to get me married in this miserable state. They're thinking marriage is gonna magically solve my problems. I am tired of fighting for myself. I see no end to this misery. Life before antidepressants was much much better. Dysthymia and anxiety were easier to live with.

October 20, 2020

I'm going to see a new psychiatrist. I don't know how to convince him of my decision to getting off of medicines. Any suggestions? Also how long could it take for me to successfully taper from 100 mg desvelanfaxine to 0 without causing damage? I'm feeling too anxious.

October 20, 2020

You might find this topic helpful: how-to-talk-to-a-doctor-about-tapering-and-withdrawal-what-to-expect

Something that I suggest to members before talking to a medical professional is to write down what you want to say and rehearse it. Be calm, gentle but assertive. Saying something like I would like to try this or I'd prefer to do it this way. If they suggest something different (eg adding or changing a drug) you can say something like I would like to think about that before I make a decision.

If a doctor wants you to taper faster you can say something like I realise that many people can probably get off their drug quickly but I'd prefer to be cautious and do it slowly because I don't want to risk getting withdrawal symptoms.

In Post #1 of the topic I linked above there is a link to the DSM-5 - Antidepressant Discontinuation Syndrome DSM-5 995.29 (T43.205A) and one to the leaflet - Guidance on stopping antidepressants by Royal College which you could take note of the details and give to the doctor.

We need to advocate for ourselves. We are the customer and it is our body and lives which are being affected, not theirs. Doctors are human and, just like the rest of us, they do not know everything.

18 minutes ago, sleepyshayera said:

Also how long could it take for me to successfully taper from 100 mg desvelanfaxine to 0 without causing damage?

Unfortunately we can't give you a timeline for how long it will take. It can take as little as 4 weeks for the brain to fully adapt to a psychiatric drug. Sometimes if you are on a high dose and/or haven't taken the drug for very long you might able to reduce it quickly to start with but then you may need to slow down as the dose gets lower. It's important to listen to your body/symptoms and taper/hold according to how you feel. It is better to go slower and get off with minimal withdrawal symptoms than to go too fast and be suffering a lot.

October 20, 2020

@ChessieCat

I understand. I am just really mad at myself for putting myself in this situation. I hope I can find a good doctor who will be able to help me with this.

I'm shaking as I'm typing this. The last two months felt like an eternity. I really hope I can survive this.

October 20, 2020

On 10/19/2020 at 8:22 AM, sleepyshayera said:

I think this dosage reduction by me is what's making my depersonalization worse. I am clueless and absolutely terrified. I'm just crying and panicking alone.

Hi sleepy,

Hoping this will help, to make you feel less alone with your symptoms:

Derealization or Depersonalization

You will find and see that others do go through this too

And yes, try to get another day done, of notes. They can be invaluable, as far as seeing how your symptoms are related to your drug intakes now. Maybe something obvious will stand out. I'd suggest you do it on paper, and then share here, the whole days worth, in one post. You did good with that first try, you just left out a big portion of that day is all.

What did you find that helps with the cog fog?

And oh my gosh........the parentals are wanting to marry you off.......RIGHT NOW???!!!! The absurdity. People are strange.

I know, I know.......it can feel like an eternity and then a shift will begin to occur..........and you will feel closer to the you that you know and love. It can get scary. I hear you sweetie. Holding you close.

Best, L, P, H, and G,

mmt

October 21, 2020

@manymoretodays I know I am not going through this alone. The marriage proposal has been rejected thankfully. And I have been able to convince my mom that I do need to get off of these meds. My psychologist suggested us another doctor. I hope he can guide me towards recovery.

Nothing is seeming to help with the brain fog at the moment. I did not have any caffeine within the last few months.

On 10/20/2020 at 8:34 AM, manymoretodays said:

.it can feel like an eternity and then a shift will begin to occur..........and you will feel closer to the you that you know and love. It can get scary. I hear you sweetie. Holding you close.

I hope so too, dear. I cannot wait to start feeling like myself. This whole experience is either going to make or break me. I am hoping for better days to come. 🥰

October 22, 2020

So my new doctor told me he is going to get me off of my meds slowly. And consider the possibilities that I was misdiagnosed with mdd. But he also said getting off meds will make my depressive symptoms return even more badly. I feel really scared. I feel like a guinea pig. I have no idea what to do or what to expect. I feel like I am risking my life.

October 23, 2020

You will still have your family problems no matter what you do.

If you would like our help, please post daily notes at least 24 hours at a time, as requested several times.

October 24, 2020

Update- the new doctor is actually a great person. He explained to me perfectly why I was prescribed each medication. He's super chilled out, friendly and never gets tired of answering questions. However he will consider changing my medications if I experience any more adverse effects. For instance- Pristiq has been causing my heart race really fast and it gets uncomfortable combined with anxiety. If it continues he might wean me off of pristiq and switch me to something else that will suit me better. Whatever I faced until now were the symptoms of severe anxiety and depression combined. That explains the depersonalization part.

He also wanted to talk to my mom about the family stress situation. Because no matter how much antidepressants I'm on, my depression won't ever leave unless my family supports me emotionally. They've been doing okay so far. But at some points they've pushed me too far and triggered my anxiety.

It truly is amazing how a good doctor can make you feel safe and cared for. I'm glad I went for a second opinion. I will also be discussing about my tapering process with him once I'm done recovering from my depression and decided to come off of meds.

sleepyshayera: guilt and regrets on restarting medications

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