Flinky: introduction

[Flinky]

Hello All!

 

I am a 35 year old mom of twins from Budapest, Hungary.

 

My mental helath issues, that led to AD use started approx. 2 years after my twins were born, in the summer of 2020.

 

First I didn't realize, that all arising phisical symptoms, that my body sent me were the sign of starting depression. I went from doctor to doctor to find a solution, when I finally realized the real problem. By then I  was already seeing my therapist (I had therapist earlier I my life), who suggested to see a psychiatrist. By September 2020, I had already developed anxiety as well. This was the first time I spoke to a psychiatrist. At first she suggested to try to relax more, and didn't subscribe medication, but unfortunately I started spiraling in negative thougths which led me to a point where I couldn't handle my condition anymore.

 

I started to take escitalopram in December 2020, but after only a few hours, I experienced so severe reactions, that were worse than my original condition. I only took two pills, as I couldn't take it any longer. was seriously considering going to hospital. I told my therapist my experience, but she told me it's not possible to have such intense reaction and implied that it is only in my head... At that point we said goodbye. My therapy was ongoing with my psychologist, who supported me along the way.

 

Around Christmas time, I spoke to another psychiatrist (a friend of my mom's just to calm myself before finding another doctor), told him my story, and that I am not willing to take AD, because of what I experienced. He also said that those reactions can not be real... But he subscribed xanax instead, but only for a short period until other solution.

 

In 2021 January I went to another psychiatrist, told her all my fears and my experience. By then my anxiety together with negative thougts were so bad that I felt paralysed. She convinced me to try another AD, but with slow introducion and supervision. I agreed in tears, and started taking Mirzaten. Getting on the drug was OK, no severe reaction this time. It eased my suffering a bit, but I was still not feeling 100%. I started working, my kids went to nursery, but the med was not best, so in August 2021 I switched to Duciltia from one day to another. The transition was not so easy, but after some time, by the end of the Summer I finally felt my old self again.

 

I continued the AD, not even needing the occasional xanax. After a year, we decided with my doctor to get off the med. She suggested to reduce 25%, 4 times, in a course of a few month. It went OK, sometimes I felt dizziness and brain zaps, but they went away after a week of reducing.

 

The problem started, when I went to 0 on September 10 2022. After a week, I had such bad anxiety, and went through hell, that I thought I will not see the daylight. So the next day I updosed back to 7,5 mg. It gave relief. I went back to my doctor, she was satisfied with the result amd how I handled the situation. We agreed not to taper for at least 6 months now.

Unfortunately, after 3 weeks of the updosing, I started feeling growing anxiety, which peeked tonight, feeling like I am back at the starting point. So I thought, I take 0,25 mg xanax to help me sleep, but that was oil to the fire... I got even more anxiuos, and feel in hell again.

 

I am considering uping my dose, and hope that I will find my balance again, as right now I am desperate and don't see how to manage my daily life, my kids, my job...

 

I have a supporting family and friends, so I can rely on them, I will keep fighting!

 

 

Thanks for reading

[Altostrata]

Welcome, @Flinky

 

On 10/10/2022 at 6:23 PM, Flinky said:

So the next day I updosed back to 7,5 mg. It gave relief.

 

Yes, this is the right thing to do when you get withdrawal symptoms, to reinstate a low dose of the drug, and it had the expected result.

 

Did you accidentally skip any doses since you reinstated? Drink alcohol? Take an antibiotic? Get covid?

 

On 10/10/2022 at 6:23 PM, Flinky said:

Unfortunately, after 3 weeks of the updosing, I started feeling growing anxiety, which peeked tonight, feeling like I am back at the starting point. So I thought, I take 0,25 mg xanax to help me sleep, but that was oil to the fire... I got even more anxiuos, and feel in hell again.

 

Did you discuss these symptoms with your psychiatrist?

 

To help us out, follow these instructions Please put your drug and withdrawal history in your signature You may need to use a computer to do this.

 

[Flinky]

Hi Altostrata!

To answer your questions:

 

I haven't skipped a dose since reinstatement, but due to the devastating anxiety I am going through the past two-three days, I updosed again to 15 mg, which I am unsure now was a good idea, but what's done is done. I did have a half of a glass of white wine last weekend... No covid and no medication.

 

Right after my severe anxiety came back (and I couldn't sleep a minute that night), I contacted my doctor as well as my therapist. My doctor agreed with updosing and suggested another med to give reliefe to my anxiety: Loranxil (lorazepam) which I was reluctant to take, but to help me sleep, I had 1 mg. I have been feeling a tinsy bit better, but as sleeptime was/is getting closer, I am getting anxious and that what makes me not sleep... I tried the Loranxil again (0,5 mg), but I think subconsciusly I refused the drug, so again it gave me more anxiety.

 

This is what I do to get better:

• I am on sick leave to focus on getting better
• I started Brainspotting therapy 
• I write out everything I feel and makes me feel anxious
• I asked help from my family and friends (as well as my doctor and therapist)
• I do yoga and meditation daily
• I take walks
• I try to distract myself from negative thoughts

I am looking for small achievements, for which I can be grateful and be proud of myself.

 

Just one question: do I think right to wait with tapering for a few months? I am planning next spring.

Thanks,

Flinky

[Altostrata]

Once you rock your system with withdrawal, it can get very sensitive to things that previously were not a problem. Alcohol is one of those things. We have seen it set people back over and over. It's possible you will have to not drink at all for quite a while.

 

We advise people to taper when their nervous systems are stable again. I cannot say when you might be able to taper, it could be that you are occasionally shaking up your nervous system with alcohol.

 

Also, you are under the active care of a doctor who is changing your drugs. Now you're taking a higher dose of duloxetine with a benzo, which means you'll likely have to taper 2 drugs. This is not going in the direction of reducing your drug burden.

 

Are you feeling better on your current drug combination? Please let us know when you're ready to taper.

[Flinky]

Unfortunately, I found this page too late, so it seems I am making mistakes...

 

Having no alcohol is absolutely no problem for me, noted, I will not have it.

 

I am not taking the benzo (I decided it's better not to), just the 15 mg of duloxetine. I guess I just have to wait until I feel better to start my taper.

 

During the day I am managing my anxiety, there are easier and more difficult periods, unfortunately I can not go to work.

Sleeping is difficult, as soon as I feel that I am "falling" into sleep, I feel something in my brain that pulls me back. At night I listen relaxation and try to get as much rest as possible, I guess with a few hours of light sleep.

[Altostrata]

Has this gotten better or worse since you increased the duloxetine dosage?