Alexandru

[Alexandru]

Alex, male, 37 years old

 

May 2008 - December 2008: Cipralex (Escitalopram) 3 x 10 mg (morning/noon/evening), Rivotril (Clonazepam) 0.5 mg, Trittico (Tradozone) 150 mg

January 2009 - June 2009: Cipralex (Escitalopram) 2 x 10 mg, Trittico (Clonazepam) 2 x 150 mg + Lypanthyl (Fenofibrate) 160 mg, Lagosa (Milk Thislte) 150 mg - liver enzymes were way up at dangerous levels (tryglicerides, GGT, cholesterol)

June 2009 - December 2011 - Cipralex (Escitalopram) 10 mg

January 2012 - October 2012 - Cipralex (Escitalopram) 0.5 mg  - - - - - - - - CT in October 2012 

November 2012 - July 2013 - FREE of any treatment

July 2013 - Huge physical breakdown - they told me it was a panic attack -  got me to ER

September 2013 - Anxiar (Lorazepam) 1 mg

November 2013 - October 2016 - Seroxat (Paroxetine)  20 mg

October 2016 - December 2016 - Seroxat (Paroxetine)  10 mg combined with some pills which were like mini foot balls in order to taper Seroxat - - - - - - - - December 2016 finished tapering and Seroxat

December 2016 - August 2020 - FREE of any treatment

August 2020 - May 2021 - a combination of the following drugs of which i was taking about 4 types at a time - I cannot remember the exact treatment variations - Zyprexa (Olanzapine) 5 mg, Anafranil (Clomipramine), Rivotril (Clonazepam) 0.5 mg, Trittico (Tradozone) 150 mg, Valdoxan (Aglomelatine), Doxepin, Rispolept (Risperidone)

June 2021 - November 2021 - FREE of any drugs

December 2021 - Zoloft (Sertraline) 25 mg - horrendous side effects - dropped it

January 2022 - present FREE of any treatment

 

 

Edited October 28, 2022 by ChessieCat
added topic title

[ChessieCat]

Hi Alex and welcome to SA,

 

I can see from your post that you are now drug free.

 

Q:  What assistance do you need?

 

Q:  Are you currently experiencing any symptoms since stopping your drugs?  If yes, please tell us what they are, and also tell us what symptoms have improved since January 2022.

 

Q:  How is your sleep?

 

Post #1 of this topic has links to many helpful SA topics:

 

Important topics in the Tapering forum and FAQ

[Alexandru]

Hello, and thank you for approving my signature! I am in the process of making my introductory post in which i explain a lot about my situation. However it takes time because my cognitive skills are not so ok. I have read many posts on this forum and I feel like I need to share but it is very difficult due to emotional pain to relive some episodes of my life. As I tappered very awfully the drugs I feel like I still have a lot of cognitive problems which prior to taking Seroxat I didnt have. How do you suggest writing my introduction? Like a story or more like a timeline?

[ChessieCat]

You do not need to make a long post telling your history and please do not create a new topic.  Thank you.

 

To start please answer the questions that I have asked above.

 

Once we have that information we can then ask you for more specific information.

 

And there later you can write more about your situation if you want to/when you feel that you can.

[Alexandru]

9 hours ago, ChessieCat said:

Hi Alex and welcome to SA,

 

I can see from your post that you are now drug free.

 

Q:  What assistance do you need?

 

Q:  Are you currently experiencing any symptoms since stopping your drugs?  If yes, please tell us what they are, and also tell us what symptoms have improved since January 2022.

 

Q:  How is your sleep?

 

Post #1 of this topic has links to many helpful SA topics:

 

Important topics in the Tapering forum and FAQ

1. I need some guidance and maybe some pieces of advice regarding my long lasting and as I see now, pretty  permanent cognitive impairment I got after stopping my Seroxat (Paroxetine) treatment.

 

2. Regarding my last treatment, with Zoloft, I don't have any side effects. It was very difficult to manage my brief treatment on Zoloft as the symptoms were very cruel. I couldn't sleep, I had sudden heart palpitations, staying in bed and suddenly the pulse was rushing to 140, very fast breathing all the time - 20-22 respirations per minute, which is not normal at all, depersonalization - seeing my self from above as being another person, hypotermia. I was always in a panic state and tempered the symptoms with 0.25 mg of xanax when they were really unbearable. After the treatment, in about 2 weeks I was back to the previous state.

 

My really big problem, even after all the years after stopping Seroxat is that my cognitive function has not returned to a known normal for me, the state prior to this treatment. I was sharp, good memory, I could connect with my feelings and felt deeply for/with others, pretty good love life. After the treatment, I have encountered many side effects I read about on this forum. Huge Irritability, mood swings, always feeling that something is terribly wrong with me, regular visits to the cardiologist, CT scan, MRI. Nothing seemed to be wrong from a medical perspective. I was dizzy all the time, it was very hard to stand on my feet, irregular heart beats, feeling my heart pounding all the time. Some of them passed, but in time, after years, after many sleepless nights in which I thought something was wrong with me. The feeling that I am sick was omnipresent and a state of constant tension was present. The feeling was that I was cognitive impaired. I cannot seem to memorize many things and my attention is all over the place, stuck in my head and a million things rushing, jumping from one to another.  I have constant brain fog, I cannot articulate ideas, and I have a sensation of hoplessness. 

 

In February 2022 I had an appointment with a psychiatrist and he prescribed me Concerta (Methylphenidate) and said I have ADHD. I didn't pursue the treatment as for me it seemed dangerous. I hope you can shed some light in this aspect - regarding Concerta.

 

3. I sleep 6 - 7 hours a night and the sleep is peaceful. I also don't drink alcohol at the moment, for about 2 months to be more specific.

[Altostrata]

On 10/28/2022 at 6:30 AM, Alexandru said:

December 2016 - August 2020 - FREE of any treatment

 

On 10/28/2022 at 6:30 AM, Alexandru said:

June 2021 - November 2021 - FREE of any drugs

 

Hello, @Alexandru Why did you go back on drugs after being off them during these periods?

 

You went off paroxetine in 2016 and stayed off drugs for 4 years. Why do you think paroxetine is the cause of your problems? You've been on many drugs.

 

How much did you drink alcohol and how long have you not had any alcohol at all?

[Alexandru]

Hello @Altostrata, Thank you for the very concise questions. I will try to shed some light in this matter. 

 

Long story short, my mother is a GP and she is well regarded as a professional in her line of work. However she is bipolar, she is on paroxetine since 2006, she was abusive both verballt and phisically during my childhood, very possesive, basically my childhood was full of fear, not being allowed to have friends or girlfriends as a matter of fact. She was always trying to fix me not knowing that she just wanted to fix herself. My father was also an intellectual highly regarded in our community but emotionally unavailable and not critical at all in the aspect of my upbringing. He left all the decisions in this aspect, to my mother. She took me to several psychiatrists during my high school but none of them diagnosed me, more than that they told my mother to leave me be because I am pretty normal and I don't need any treatment. Basically I was made to feel that I have a big problem even if my way of being was normal and moreover no specialist find something needed to be treated. However during my third year of college I met a girl and everything was wonderful. My mother started the treatment with Paxil and saw that I was happy and cutting the ombilical cord and pushed very heavily the idea that I need treatment because I am depressed and my mental state was faulty. After some time I started believing this and I took into consideration going again to a psychiatrist. My mother took me to her psychiatrist and that psichyatrist diagnosed me with mild depresion and prescribed me the treatment with Cipralex, Rivotril and Trittico. My life was a whole different after no more than a mont from starting the treatment. No interest in anything, not going to college anymore, euphoric, drinking, meeting many strangers, and most importantly dropping all my hobbies which were more into the artistic side, and my crativity went down the drain.

Long story short I was feeling very detatched from myself and I start going to therapy. Not succeeding taking my bar exam for several years, I quit cold turkey in october 2012. The rush of feelings and emotions after that were overwelming, and I started having symptoms associated with the withdrawal, as I only recently have read on survivingantidepressants.org. I end up in the ER in July 2013 with a huge and very long panic attack, very high bpm and very high blood pressure for several hours, even if my bloodwork was perfect and at 183 cm i was weighing 77kgs. After that, I was prescribed Anxiar but the panic attacks were merciless, I could not stay on soft surfaces, i was feeling my heart all the time, I was scared all the time and the quality of my life was garbage. I was drinking rarely and I was smoking about 5 cigs a day so I dropped this habits altogether. My situation didn't improve and my mother started giving me Paxil. My situation improved very much but I was still detatched from myself, not knowing what to do, and having no drive to do anything. During this treatment I saw some changes. No creativity, memory impairment, attention impairment, and high alcohol consumption even if prior to this treatment i could not describe myself as a drunk. I went to a psychiatrist in november 2016, and during 2 months I quit Paxil for good. Not the best method as I have read here.

 

After this, I remained with a precarious quality of life, being desperate, very mixed feelings, mood disorders. I went to therapy, I was having a good job, meditating, long walks, some physical activity. Something was missing. In retrospective I see that I had periods of a month/2 months in which i behaved very fine but with obvious downsides - no will to do anything, very hard to interact with people, very hard to be intimate, attention disorder, ruminations at impairment levels, rituals, being angry, poor quality of sleep, followed by some months of havoc - heavy drinking, meeting all the inappropirate people, no engagement in anything, just living every day at a time, without any plans or future projections for myself and huge mood swings. basically I was bed ridden and watching meaningless things on youtube without any passions or hobbies. It was as if i was still on Paxil. I was very frustrated and hopeless. I quit my job not knowing now even at this moment. That threw me on an even bigger downward spiral. At the begining of the pandemic my parents told me to come home otherwise they will cut all the ties with me. At that time, I was feeling dizzy all day and feeling that I had very big health problems. I went to several cardyologists, did my bloodwork several times, MRI, CT scan, nothing seemed to be wrong. I was staying with my parents in 2020 and I started drinking heavily. Something was very wrong. My mother found another psychiatrist and I was taken to a detox clinic where I felt like a guinea pig because many treatments specified in my signature were tryied on me. The  diagnostic was mild borderline personality disorder. I followed the treatment or the combinations of treatments until may 2021 when I quit again cold turkey. There were huge panic attacks and this time corelated with hypochondria. I went to the psychiatrist on my own will and I decided to start Zoloft 50 mg in December 2021. Horrendous side effects. Depersonalization, anger, panic attacks all the way, no desire, constant fear. I took only 25 mg for a month at the recomendation of the doctor to prepare for the full 50 mg dose. This didn't happen because of the side effects. I dropped Zoloft begining of January 2022. The best part of zoloft was that my attention and my memory seemed to return to the levels before the Paxil treatment. This encouraged me and I thought I had ADHD so I took some tests and they were very clear. My attention and memory were very bad. Went back to another psychiatrist on my own will, and he prescribed me Concerta. This was in February 2022. Haven't followed the treatment. In this matter I need a little guidance. I am very scared of drugs now after all this time because I know deep inside my heart that they threw me out of a trajectory and left me in dark with no connection to myself for several years.

 

On 11/5/2022 at 9:00 PM, Altostrata said:

You went off paroxetine in 2016 and stayed off drugs for 4 years. Why do you think paroxetine is the cause of your problems? You've been on many drugs.

After and during the treatment with Paxil my memory and attention were impaired. I think and know deep inside my heart that Paxil changed something in me. For me it is the period in my life before and after paxil. My cognition was heavily burdened with the side effects from Paxil. For example during the Cipralex treatment, I had no drive but I still could read a book a night and watch movies and feel connected somehow even if with mild emotions. I did not have this soop inside my head with thousands of thoughts, not being able to focus on anything, jumping from one to another. I had very big problems even writing this message on this page. After CT Cipralex I was able to connect to myself and the process was in development if it wasn't for landing in the ER and starting  Paxil. I did not felt was having foggy brain, or unable to make decisions. Also my creativity was returning to normal. 

 

On 11/5/2022 at 9:00 PM, Altostrata said:

How much did you drink alcohol and how long have you not had any alcohol at all?

I stopped alcohol consumption in August 2021 until May 2022. I had a relapse in June and July 2022. The frequency was once maybe twice a week, the most accurate I can say it was like a cycle, once at 5 days. I went to AA in August and I have never drank since without having much resistence, I go to parties I connect, i don't feel the need to drink. I think I am on the right path. I may never drink again as this is a problem and once I got it out of the way I can focus on other ones to solve.

 

 

-------------------------------------------------------

 

In the present moment I feel fine. I have slight rumination, some rituals but very rare and not impairing and I am thinking about the future and how to start a family. I need to focus more on finding a job - because now I am an uber driver even if I have a law diploma and 2 masters in law. Please don't understand me wrong, I like driving around and talking to people but I don't think this is my calling. It's just for survival and for buying some time in order to connect with myself and start something more meaningful. I cut all my ties with my family, except with my brother, I cut off all the people that were toxic in my life, I am sending CVs even if not at my desired rate. I feel grateful for what I have even if i feel the urgency to move from this apartment which is on my father's name but I cannot do this now even if I desire this so much and this way to go fully independent. I am 37 years old but I don't feel this way. I feel more like a teen or maybe 28 years old. I am introspective enough to know that my psychological age at the moment is way lower than my biological one, even if only by comparison to others at 37 or just by making a very sincere list of the things I have done in the last 10 years. I am scared of the challenges of life, I a have an evasive behaviour in instances that concern my life and my future. I hope I will sort this thing out and I am praying to have the power to go full speed ahead and recover some of the lost time. My main gripe is that I still feel that I have a cognition impairment. I look at my self in the starting years of the college and I was really sharp, top of my class even if lazy on ocasions, I could fully connect and I felt deeply, I was having a very good memory and many sparks of creativity.  I had problems to solve but through therapy, and I would have been done long before this day without any drugs. I feel that I was thrown off my trajectory and that I didn't have any support in my endeavours if it weren't to find some strenght in me and listen to my gut feeling which always told me to quit pills but I was weak in front of my parents and listened to them.

 

In the end I must state that I feel very grateful for finding this forum and learning through all the stories and pieces of advice that It's normal to feel how I feel after all the treatments I took and that the process is long but in the end rewarding. I feel a bitter taste that the persons who should have been unconditionally supporting me have never validated me for my artistic nature, more introspective one, for my way of seeing life and they didn't listen to me. They should just leave me be and I am certain that my life was way better and meaningful.

 

For all the stories I have read and didn't input any opinions I appologise but I cannot write without tremendous effort. I am trying to give feedback and share what I have learnt from my experiences and my mistakes  and to support others. 

 

For now I can say only these things, tried and tested:

- physical activity helps a lot

- I have taken omega 3 fish oil, vit D3 and drank caffeine free teas like chamomile St John's Wort (for about a year)

- meditation/ praying helps

- the support system is crucial and cutting off toxic people is essential

- walking in nature helps

- having a pet helps (I have a cat and I care very much for it)

- cutting off alcohol completely and on indeterminate term helps a lot

- some supplements worked for me - Lion Mane, ALCAR, Gingko, Ginseng - they were taken on short periods of time because I was Hypochondriac and felt very high anxiety of side effects even if I didn't found any

(This is not medical advice as I am not qualified to make bold statements about these supplements)

 

[Altostrata]

You're welcome.

 

A word to the wise: If I were you, I would not have any alcohol at all. Your system may be sensitive from your psychiatric drug history, we've seen even a little alcohol can trigger very bad nervous system chaos.

[Alexandru]

2 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

You're welcome.

 

A word to the wise: If I were you, I would not have any alcohol at all. Your system may be sensitive from your psychiatric drug history, we've seen even a little alcohol can trigger very bad nervous system chaos.

Thank you for the advice! I have cut off alcohol completely and I am staying this way. 

And a little question. In your opinion, should I pursue treatment with Concerta for my attention/memory problems or fight it the natural way and wait for it to return to normal?

 

Thank you so much!

 

[Altostrata]

45 minutes ago, Alexandru said:

should I pursue treatment with Concerta for my attention/memory problems

 

You've struggled to go off one psychiatric drug and now you want to go on another? Much of your attention problem is probably withdrawal syndrome exacerbated by alcohol use.

[Alexandru]

Thank you! Just needed a little push in the right direction because I was in doubt. I also think that mixing alcohol with withdrawal symptoms gave very bad results but as I see it now, my wellbeing is highly improved by cutting alcohol for good.

[Alexandru]

On 11/9/2022 at 9:28 AM, Altostrata said:

 

You've struggled to go off one psychiatric drug and now you want to go on another? Much of your attention problem is probably withdrawal syndrome exacerbated by alcohol use.

Dear Altostrata,

 

I am still struggling with focus and rumination. I cannot read without jumping from one subject to another in my head and I lose focus rapidly. Do you have any piece of advice? I feel mentally impaired and I cannot finish things.  It is very confusing and frustrating.

 

Thank you for your guidance!

[mstimc]

Hi

 

I won't speak for Alto, but you may want to practice mindfulness--being fully engaged in what you're doing at that moment.  When the distracting thoughts come, remind yourself "I started reading this book for a reason and I will stick with it until I finish this chapter.  I may have other thoughts but I'll come back to the book."  It takes time and practice, and there's a lot more to mindfulness than what I described, but it can really help to push the intrusive thoughts to the background, 

[Altostrata]

Did you stop drinking?

[Alexandru]

4 hours ago, mstimc said:

Hi

 

I won't speak for Alto, but you may want to practice mindfulness--being fully engaged in what you're doing at that moment.  When the distracting thoughts come, remind yourself "I started reading this book for a reason and I will stick with it until I finish this chapter.  I may have other thoughts but I'll come back to the book."  It takes time and practice, and there's a lot more to mindfulness than what I described, but it can really help to push the intrusive thoughts to the background, 

Thank you for your advice. I will try meditation and yoga. I was looking into this for some time.

 

3 hours ago, Altostrata said:

Did you stop drinking?

I stopped drinking almost 7 months ago, no urges to drink, drinking for me started heavily with Paxil and now I seem to have returned to my natural state. I go from time to time to AA meetings to acknowledge my drinking problem and to talk about the effects of alcohol on my life. 

[Altostrata]

On 3/22/2023 at 3:13 PM, Alexandru said:

I am still struggling with focus and rumination. I cannot read without jumping from one subject to another in my head and I lose focus rapidly.

 

This is typical of withdrawal syndrome, which can last a long time. @mstimc's suggestions were excellent -- find ways to slow yourself and calm yourself. It also helps to be realistic about what you can do while recovering from an accident with psychiatric drugs.

[Alexandru]

25 minutes ago, Altostrata said:

 

This is typical of withdrawal syndrome, which can last a long time. @mstimc's suggestions were excellent -- find ways to slow yourself and calm yourself. It also helps to be realistic about what you can do while recovering from an accident with psychiatric drugs.

Thank you very much for the insight. I am trying to be patient and do things that help me.