Rene94: venlafaxine - desperate and feeling hopeless

[Rene94]

Rene94 from Germany / I'm so desperate and in a black hole of hopelessness..

 

Hello everyone! 

 

I've been following the forum for 6 months, I like it so much.  There is no such thing in Germany.

I 'll try to keep my first post short. 

As I'm new here, I wish everyone here all the best!

 

Introduction:

 

At the beginning of my topic I want to apologize for my bad english. 

I 'll try my best to write my thoughts here. I am a young men from Germany and currently 28 years old. 

 

Drug History:

 

I have taken Venlafaxin 75mg in the past for anxiety disorders, I have never had any type of depression.  My psychiatrist told me I could take these drugs forever and taper them off in 4-6 weeks. Well so much for that.. 

 

I then took it for 10 months and right from the start I noticed strange side effects like total genital numbness, complete loss of libido, emotional numbness, sleep duration was normal but numb.  I don't know how to describe it, but I had neither the feeling of being tired nor the feeling that the sleep was restful and that I slept well.  I no longer had an appetite and the fear was gone too, but so were all the positive feelings and thoughts. 

 

I had many other side effects but I thought I had to endure this temporarily, also because of work.  I can't afford to lose this job.  I lost my last job because of my anxiety disorder. 

 

Taper process

 

I was tired of feeling like a robot and trapped in a lifeless body without having my personality, so I decided to stop taking the drug.  I reduced it to 50mg for 2 weeks in December then to 37.5 for 2 weeks, 12.5mg for 5 days and then on January 26th I cut my dose to 0.

 

As I learned afterwards, it was too fast, but I can't undo it.

 

Withdrawal/Symptoms

 

On tapering off and getting down to 37.5 mg I noticed days when I had some emotional energy, slight desire for sex, better sleep and some genital feeling.  I figured I was on the right track and I needed to get rid of the drug altogether. 

 

What I experienced after 0 was absolute horror, hell on earth.  A place that few of us are allowed to get to know.  Acute withdrawal symptoms lasted about 6 weeks, then faded away.  After those 6 weeks I got severe insomnia and all the other symptoms that were there from the start: hives, hair loss, hair texture change, total genital numbness, erectile dysfunction, total emotional numbness, derealization, deep depression, akathisia, digestive problems, etc. I think  you know what i'm talking about.

 

Now I'm at 9.3 months from 0 and gone is just the akathisia, digestive issues a bit better but that's it.. It's sad and I'm having suicidal thoughts because I don't think I'll ever recover.  It's too much what was taken from me. I just wanted a fresh start.  Now I'm a robot, a man-made AI.

 

What can I do?  Do you have any advice for me?  If I experience a window on a symptom, does that mean that improvement will come back?  Even if it was little?

 

Thank you! 

 

 

Edited November 7, 2022 by ChessieCat
added topic title before shortening

[getofflex]

Hello, and welcome to SA.  We are a volunteer-run community of people who have been or are getting off of psychiatric drugs.  I'm very sorry to hear that you are in this situation.  I have very good news for you, though.  You can, and will, recover.  I know right now it feels hopeless.  However, in all honesty, it can take years for us to recover from a very fast taper off an SSRI drug, which you did.  I realize this is bad news, but it is also good news, because you have a lot of hope.  We have many people here who have recovered after a long period of time, and now live happy and normal lives.  I believe you will too.  

 

What other symptoms did you have while you were on the full dose of the drug besides the sexual and emotional numbness?  

 

Can you please give us specific information in your signature about your drug history for all drugs and supplements you are on and have been on, especially for the past 18-24 months?  It would be especially helpful to have the details of your drugs in a concise vertical list (no symptoms), only specific dates, include the day (as best you can say for example early March if you don't recall the day), drug names, and dosages of each medication decrease or increase.

 

Please read the link below for instructions.  This will allow us to give you the best guidance.  

 

How to List Drug History in Signature

 

Here is some important information about how these drugs actually work.  This explains why we get symptoms from going off of these medications, and why it's so important to taper slowly and carefully:

 

How Psychiatric Drugs Remodel Your Brain

 

 

This helps you understand what withdrawal syndrome is: 

 

Video on Recovery from Psych Drugs

 

Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

Here is a link with checklists of common WD symptoms: 

 

Dr Joseph Glenmullen Withdrawal Symptom Checklists

 

 

Here are some techniques to cope with symptoms: 

 

Non Drug Ways to Cope with Withdrawal Symptoms

 

Stability is really important when we are tapering off psych meds.  Please read the link about stability:

 

Keep It Simple, Slow, and Stable

 

 

We don't suggest many supplements, but 2 that many of us find helpful are magnesium and omega-3 fish oil. Here are the links for info about those. It is suggested to add one at a time, and start with a low dose to see how it affects you. 

Magnesium

Omega 3 Fish Oil

 

On 11/7/2022 at 4:23 AM, Rene94 said:

What can I do?  Do you have any advice for me?

I think the best thing you can do, is practice non drug ways of taking care of yourself, such as healthy eating, trying to get extra rest/sleep, plenty of healthy fluids, avoid caffeine/alcohol/drugs/mind altering substances, reduce stress, get outside and walk if you can, be out in nature, stick with positive supportive people, etc.  Time and patience are the keys here, as well as endurance.  

 

Try reading some success stories, they will help you to renew your hope for healing!  Good luck, and keep in touch.  

 

Search Results for Venlafaxine Recovery Success Stories

[Rene94]

Hello @getofflex T

hanks for the greeting and introduction to SA!  I have completed my signature and I also want to thank you for the kind words you said to me.

 

While taking the full dose along with the sexual and emotional numbness, I experienced several restlessness. I always felt like an engine that is not exhausted and does not feel it when it loses energy.  Difficult to explain. Also, I couldn't feel any kind of pleasure, not from eating because I had no appetite, nor from getting a massage or enjoying anything.  My brain was just numb that I couldn't feel all of this.

 

I cry everyday and have suicidal thoughts as I don't think I'll ever get out because it's just too much what was taken from me.  Even through my worst anxiety, my body has always functioned 100% and now I'm burning in hell.  To imagine that I have to endure there for years is the worst idea there is.

 

What about this question? 

 

If I experience a window on a symptom, does that mean that improvement will come back? even if it was little?

 

[ChessieCat]

6 hours ago, Rene94 said:

What about this question? 

 

If I experience a window on a symptom, does that mean that improvement will come back? even if it was little?

 

Windows are when the symptoms improve and waves are when they worsen.

 

Video:  Healing From Antidepressants - Patterns of Recovery

 

  

On 12/27/2015 at 6:37 AM, Altostrata said:

Basically- you have a building where the MAJOR steel structures are [...] to be rebuilt at different times - ALL while people are coming and going in the building and attempting to work.

It would be like if the World Trade Center Towers hadn't completely fallen - but had crumbled inside in different places.. Imagine if you were [...] to rebuild the tower - WHILE people were coming and going and [...] to work in the building!  You'd have to set up a temporary elevator - but when you needed to fix part of that area, you'd have to tear down that elevator and set up a temporary elevator somewhere else. And so on. You'd have to build, work around, then tear down, then build again, then work around, then build... ALL while people are coming and going, ALL while the furniture is being replaced, ALL while the walls are getting repainted... ALL while [...] is going on INSIDE the building. No doubt it would be chaotic. That is EXACTLY what is happening with windows and waves.  The windows are where the body has "got it right" for a day or so - but then the building shifts and the brain works on something else - and it's chaos again while another temporary pathway is set up to reroute function until repairs are made. 

 

AND

 

  

On 8/31/2011 at 5:28 AM, Rhiannon said:

When we stop taking the drug, we have a brain that has designed itself so that it works in the presence of the drug; now it can't work properly without the drug because it's designed itself so that the drug is part of its chemistry and structure. It's like a plant that has grown on a trellis; you can't just yank out the trellis and expect the plant to be okay. When the drug is removed, the remodeling process has to take place in reverse. SO--it's not a matter of just getting the drug out of your system and moving on. If it were that simple, none of us would be here. It's a matter of, as I describe it, having to grow a new brain. I believe this growing-a-new-brain happens throughout the taper process if the taper is slow enough. (If it's too fast, then there's not a lot of time for actually rebalancing things, and basically the brain is just pedaling fast trying to keep us alive.) It also continues to happen, probably for longer than the symptoms actually last, throughout the time of recovery after we are completely off the drug, which is why recovery takes so long.

 

[Altostrata]

Welcome, @Rene94

 

Over the last 3 months, how has your symptom pattern changed?

[Rene94]

Hello @Altostrata I have read many many of your posts including the post on insomnia with the theory that this is autonomic nervous system damage.

 

For the past 3 months I have been experiencing obsessive compulsive disorder that lasted from August to mid-September.  Then it disappeared again.  I've also seen brief windows on my sleep.  I don't know if you can call it a window. The sleep was just longer but I don't feel anything about it.  Neither tiredness nor restfulness nor enjoyment. With the emotional symptoms I had a phase for 1 week where I cried in sad film scenes or could feel the pain but that was it.  The sexual symptoms are quite severe and I believe I will remain chemically castrated for the rest of my life.  I just don't know if I can and will accept that.

 

I'm not sure if a slight change in a symptom is a window and a positive sign?

 

Thanks to everyone who takes the trouble to read my post!  God bless you all on this forum!

[Altostrata]

1 minute ago, Rene94 said:

The sleep was just longer

 

How has your sleep pattern changed in the last 3 months?

 

What other symptoms have changed in the last 3 months? How have they changed?

[Rene94]

@Altostrata So in mid-September I had a short phase of maybe 3-4 days in which I slept from 12 p.m. to 7 a.m. or something like that.  I notice it's not deep sleep, as I said I don't feel tired or relaxed.  A kind of waking sleep but the transition to another sleep phase is not guaranteed. 

 

= So for the past 3 months I've had severe insomnia most of the time.  It took quite a long time until I even fell asleep, about 1-2 hours.  Then 2 hours sleep and awake, 2 hours sleep and awake + endless tossing and turning. 

 

Other Symptoms changed:

- I notice that the akathisia is no longer as pronounced, and this strong heartbeat has also become less. 

 

- Very rarely do I have any strength in sports but most of the time no energy and no sweating = extreme itching all over my body during physical exertion.  My hair structure has also changed enormously.  They are flat and thin.

 

- I've been able to focus on a movie 2 times in the last 3 months and it's felt alright.  Not like back then but ok in itself.

 

- Sometimes I notice that I have a very light morning wood right when I wake up after a few hours of sleep.  But it's gone in 1 minute.

 

- The appetite and hunger was sometimes better than it is now.  But I only eat out of my mind.  I notice it because my stomach is growling, but I'm not hungry or have an appetite.  In the last 3 months I've had a short phase of maybe 5 days in total, when I've noticed how I'm satisfying my hunger with every bite I swallow.

 

- My digestion has gotten better, but I hardly feel anything. Back then, having a bowel movement was a pleasurable, relaxing experience for me. Today I think it's progress if I don't have permanent diarrhea or constipation.

 

- Chemical depression also varies widely.  Some days I manage to hold back my negative thoughts a bit and some days I don't stand a chance.  Everything from the point of view of the last 3 months.

 

- I vegetate most of the time.  Life is no longer exciting and offers me nothing more.

 

 

 

 

[getofflex]

22 hours ago, Rene94 said:

What about this question? 

 

If I experience a window on a symptom, does that mean that improvement will come back? even if it was little?

Yes, I believe that it will.  You did a very fast taper, and it can take many months to years to recover from a fast taper.  This is bad news, but it is also good news.  At least it is not permanent. The windows and waves pattern of recovery is very frustrating, and it can be very discouraging to experience an improvement, but then to lose that improvement when you then go into a wave.  I've experienced this frustration many times myself.  However, very gradually, the waves become less severe and shorter, and the windows become longer and better.  That is the brain working hard to achieve healing.  The quotes that Chessie Cat gave you above give you a very good analogy for why this is so.  

 

I see you are having improvements in your symptoms.  Your akathisia is better, your heart is settling down, ability to focus is improved, your stomach seems to be working better, and even the depression abates on some days.  This is a really good indicator that you are stabilizing and your brain is healing!  The keys to this are time, patience, and perseverance.  

 

It sounds like you are having a significant struggle with depression.  I get this, I really do, because I've had the same struggle, and still do.  I personally tend to get depressed in November, because of the decrease in natural sunlight.  There are many natural things to do that will help.  One of the best things is to get outside, and take a walk, if you are able to do this.  The light outside really helps, as do the natural endorphins released by your body when you exercise.  Being out in nature is also very therapeutic.  Also, there are free online courses in cognitive therapy that can help you to change your thinking pattern to a more positive one.  Here is one: 

 

CBT Course:  An Introductory Self-Help Course in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy

 

For me, developing a strong spiritual life is a really good antidote to depression and despair.

 

Finding Meaning

 

I suggest that you go back and check out my link for non drug coping techniques.  There are many good very helpful ideas there.  

 

Please don't give up.  Life is not easy.  There are a lot of challenges to deal with.  It is a big adjustment to get used to life without psych drugs again.  

Edited November 13, 2022 by getofflex

[Altostrata]

So you are getting broken sleep, but you are getting some sleep, and this has been gradually increasing over the last several months, with your activation reducing as well? We would interpret that as good sign for continued gradual improvement.

[Rene94]

@Altostrata How was your sleep?

I really can't count it as sleep.  Yes the "sleep duration" varies between 2-6 hours currently.  But as I said I don't feel anything no tiredness no recovery nothing.  The quality is catastrophic and has not improved. I lie awake every night for 2-3 hours then I have phases of a kind of "waking sleep".  I think I slept then.  Why haven't my sexual and emotional symptoms improved? I don't think this will be the case for me. I have about 5% sensitivity in my genitals.  I've always been a very sexual person, it was part of my personality, now I have to accept living with it?  I don't think I can do it.

 

Thanks again for the encouraging answer. Even if I can't draw this strength at the moment.

[Altostrata]

21 hours ago, Rene94 said:

Why haven't my sexual and emotional symptoms improved? I don't think this will be the case for me.

 

It's been only 9 months since you've gone off venlafaxine. You have reported some improvement. As we have explained, this is very slow and gradual. Strongly advise you acknowledge the improvement you've had, rather than brood about not being completely recovered. It's likely you have many months more before you see the light at the end of the tunnel.

[Rene94]

@Altostrata You are right.  It's hard to believe that I'm recovering from this because certain things have just been completely erased and you don't feel like you'll ever feel it again. It's just hard to be positive when the negativity is flooding you.  I have suicidal thoughts every day I've never had anything like that before! Not remotely. Not even during my bad bullying phases. 

 

Or is healing that suicide thoughts will disappear at some point and you accept that you are damaged? Does it learn to accept and accept it? 

 

[getofflex]

4 hours ago, Rene94 said:

Or is healing that suicide thoughts will disappear at some point and you accept that you are damaged? Does it learn to accept and accept it? 

I don't believe that you are permanently damaged.  We have many people in here who were on many drugs, and in terrible shape, but they have recovered.  It just takes a very long time, and there are lots of windows and waves during recovery.  Some things can take years, but that is not permanent.  However, it really helps to accept the distressing symptoms while we are going through them.  Fighting them will only make the suffering worse.  

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pieces-mind/201207/radical-acceptance

 

Here is a thread on suicidal ideation. 

 

For Those Who Are Feeling Desperate or Suicidal

 

Hang in there.  This healing process requires truckloads of patience.  Try reading some of the success stories, you will find the link on the home page of this site. 

[Altostrata]

You're only damaged if you think you're damaged. You'll learn a lot and you'll grow in some ways. But you can never step in the same river twice, so no point in brooding about what might have happened if certain mistakes hadn't been made. See Shame, guilt, regret, and self-criticism

[Rene94]

@Altostrata@getofflex

Just the idea that I will spend years in this situation is cruel and in the end I don't think I will have exactly the same feelings, sensations and experiences as before without taken it. I know I have to try to believe Thank you for building one here! I do not have another choice. It's like burning in hell every day. What kind of person are you if you survive this? 100% the same again, I can't believe it.

[Altostrata]

Look around you, every one of our 18,000 members is in exactly the same unfair circumstance.

[Rene94]

Yes I understand.  I know I'm not the only one living in this hell.  I wonder how many of those 18,000 members will recover. You can only hope that you're not permanently damaged. I'll try to hold back my negativity more in the future, I don't want to take away or reduce the hope of healing for any other member.

[getofflex]

Rene please read the success stories.  Healing takes a very long time, it can often take years.  However, the good thing in this, is that eventually, healing will come.  

 

Success Stories

 

Also, as. friendly reminder, please do not tag me unless it's an urgent question about tapering or reinstating. 

[Rene94]

I have read success stories but also from people who have suffered for 8-9 years.  Why do I often only read about people who needed 3-4 years and hardly any who needed 1 year? The idea of living with it for years is horrible and gives me suicidal thoughts, thoughts that I don't know.  People take these drugs for 20 years, come off cold and are cured in 2 years??  I've been on it for 10 months and stopped quickly, but I'm young (28 years old). I think it doesn't matter how long you've been taking it and how old you are. I pray to God 1 hour a day. I'm trying everything not to give up, please believe me.. 

[getofflex]

18 hours ago, Rene94 said:

I'm trying everything not to give up, please believe me.. 

I believe you.  Please hang in there.  This situation is very distressing, I know.  It has been less than a year for you.  This may sound counterintuitive, but perhaps what you need to do is work on acceptance.  Fighting the situation will tend to create more stress in your nervous system, and make your withdrawal symptoms worse.  Did you read the link I gave you on Thursday about acceptance?  

 

This link is also very helpful.  Please read it and take it to heart.  

 

Steps for Managing WD Symptoms

[Rene94]

@getofflex

Yes, I read the link but I just can't accept these symptoms.  They limit 90% of my quality of life.  I literally can't live a normal life anymore.  My body feels dead.  When I try to do sports, I have no strength, don't even sweat, I get sick, extremely itchy.  I'm asexual, no more feeling in my genitals, everything seems indifferent to me.. How am I supposed to think I'm recovering from this?  I know it's all I have left.. When I see people getting upset that they can't drive a great car, I puke.  I didn't think it was possible that one day you would actually stew in hell.  A place I didn't even know existed.  These suicidal thoughts, which I have every second + deep sadness inside me, want to squeeze my soul out, but I have to stand firm...

 

Thanks for the link, I'll read through everything mindful.  Thank you that there are people who try to catch you when the devil has caught you and you are tormented every day.

 

Sorry for my words, but it describes exactly how I feel.

 

[Catina7]

The fact that you're reaching out on this forum proves that you WANT to live!  You said yourself "I have to stand firm."  Yes, you CAN stand firm and resolve to take this day by day.  It's a marathon, NOT a sprint!  What really helped me was when I read Scrountz's 10 steps for Managing Withdrawal/ADR Symptoms.  Hopefully it will help you too!

 

Scrountz's 10 Steps for Managing Withdrawal/ADR Symptoms

 

1. Say to yourself: "I am experiencing a symptom."

It's important when symptoms arise to name them what they are. When in a wave it is easy to lose perspective and believe that what we are experiencing is a sign that we are going crazy, mentally ill, that our brains are broken, or that we are dying. Symptoms are not characterological defects, nor are they signs of a deeper problem. Symptoms are time-limited experiences that will gradually resolve. When you name what you are experiencing as a symptom, you are reinforcing what is real.

 

2. Remind yourself: "I would not be feeling this way if it was not for the medication."

Withdrawal/ADR symptoms are compelling and have a tendency to pull us into a unique physiological reality characterized by interminable suffering. Neuro-emotions, ruminating thoughts, and unrelenting physical ailments feel so real it is sometimes hard to believe that what we are experiencing is drug induced. Falling into this pit can send us into a spiral of googling symptoms, experimenting with remedies and endlessly theorizing about our condition. Reminding ourselves that it is the medication (or for withdrawal, its absence) that is causing this experience grounds us in the appropriate context for recovery. When we remind ourselves it is the medication, we open the door to taking the right action to promote recovery. 

 

3. Own your right and need to have boundaries

Remind yourself that you are injured, and have a right to do what is necessary to heal. Respectfully communicate to others when you are distressed/overwhelmed/debilitated and need space or freedom from responsibilities that may burden your already over-sensitized nervous system. Own your right to take care of yourself and put your wellness first. Remove or reduce distressing factors in your environment and focus on finding a space for you that is safe and conducive to healing. Remember you are free to leave overstimulating situations and to protect yourself from the dismissive behavior of others. 

 

4. Seek reassurance

When symptoms arise, they can be incredibly distressing and debilitating. Many people in withdrawal feel as though their lives are ruined and they may never feel better again. Seek reassurance from loved ones and compassionate others to remind you that you will heal in time. Call your parents, talk to your spouse, connect with your counselor, or phone a friend. Journal in your introductory topic or reach out to other members of this forum. Find whoever you can to reassure you things will get better. Often just hearing that from someone else is enough to provide some strength to keep going. 

 

5. Deconstruct eternity thinking

Withdrawal/ADR symptoms are incredibly compelling. Often when a wave of symptoms arises, one feels they will always feel this way forever. I know for me, when a wave of depression hits, I have a hard time believing it won’t last forever. The reality is that symptoms change over time. Recovery follows an unpredictable course, yet no feeling is final. Waves will always end eventually. Remind yourself that symptoms are not forever, and you will feel differently eventually. Symptom journals can be incredibly helpful in this regard, as when eternity thinking sets in, you can revisit past journals to see how your experience has changed over time. 

 

6. Remind yourself of the resources you have

While time is the only factor that truly resolves Withdrawal/ADR symptoms, there are numerous resources available to help with coping and reducing symptom severity. When distressing symptoms arise, remind yourself of the resources you have to cope. It can be helpful to make a list of the things you find helpful in managing symptoms (for me it's talking with loved ones, journaling, Qigong, Acknowledge/Accept/Float, CBT exercises). In withdrawal/ADR, you are out of control but you are not powerless. There are ways to increase comfort and help manage your experience.

 

7. Ease back into your body (this is copied verbatim from Pete’s flashback management as it is just as applicable to us)

Gently ask your body to relax: Feel each of your major muscle groups and softly encourage them to relax. (Tight muscles send unnecessary danger signals to the brain.)

Breathe deeply and slowly. (Holding the breath also signals danger).

Slow down. (Rushing presses the psyche's panic button.)

Find a safe place to unwind and soothe yourself. Wrap yourself in a blanket, hold a stuffed animal, lie down in a bath, take a nap

Feel the fear in your body without reacting to it. Fear is just an energy in your body that cannot hurt you if you do not run from it or react self-destructively to it.

8. Resist drasticizing and catastrophizing

Withdrawal/ADR symptoms throw us into a state of high distress, where it is easy to begin catastrophizing (believing the world is ending) and drasticizing (believing that something needs an immediate and severe response). It’s important to forcefully resist this, as this kind of thinking only serves to increase distress and reinforce the notion that recovery is not possible. Use whatever strength you can to push back against this thinking, reminding yourself that symptoms are not life threatening, and that this is not forever. CBT techniques that challenge catastrophic thinking are particularly helpful in managing this dimension of symptoms. 

 

9. Allow yourself to grieve

Withdrawal/ADR can be a debilitating, life altering experience that has robbed some of us years of wellness and prosperity. For many the loss of a sense of safety and trust in the medical system leaves one feeling existentially exposed. The symptoms of withdrawal/ADR can impact our relationships, sense of self and life direction. It is important to leave space to express the healthy feelings that come up as a result of this demoralizing, often traumatic experience. Pain, sadness, anger, despair and anguish all have a place in the recovery process. Give yourself permission to express whatever feelings are present in relation to the inevitable loss of withdrawal.

 

10. Be patient with a slow recovery process

I was sobered when I read on this site that recovery takes longer than you’d like. The truth of iatrogenic injury is that there is no clear timeline for anyone’s recovery process. Everyone experiences a unique healing trajectory, with some going very slowly and others experiencing more rapid progress. Whatever the pace, it is important to be patient. You simply cannot rush your healing. Most of us will be at this for months or years. Raging against this fact only engenders needless suffering. Though in many ways the hardest step, this is the most important, and feeds back positively into the other steps. If you can take things one day at a time, you’re more likely to successfully manage your symptoms as they arise. If you’re fixated on getting well NOW, you’re less likely to do what's actually helpful (see steps 1-9).

 

[peaceandlove]

What were your digestive problems? Acid reflux? Etc?

[Rene94]

On 12/1/2022 at 9:53 PM, peaceandlove said:

What were your digestive problems? Acid reflux? Etc?

Sorry I wasn't here since a few weeks.. 

 

I had the flu and I feel worse than ever.  My symptoms are almost all back and are quite pronounced. To your question: no, no heartburn. Diarrhea and constipation, and numb bowel movements like my anus is numb.

 

Have I been thrown back even further by the flu?  I didn't take any medication, just ibuprofen. I resisted antibiotics. 

 

Sorry for my english, hope everyone can understand it. I have to translate some words I didn't know with Google translater. 

 

My body is dead, how will it ever be?  How is a doctor supposed to find the damage that needs to be repaired..

 

 

[Elaine5]

Your Akathisia went away, that is beautiful news!!!! I’d argue that is the most heinous of all things to experience so for that to go away is a huge win. 

[Rene94]

Hello together... 

 

It's time to write in this forum again, because I can't believe I'll ever be able to recover from this horror.  I've read of people on here saying that the brain and the hormones it produces are constantly changing. To be honest, my hopes are gone.

 

I am now in my 17th month and my condition has been stagnant since the end of December.  My sleep is awful, sometimes 2-3 hours but without any sense of tiredness or rest, it feels numb.  As if the body were missing the hormone for feeling perception in the brain.

 

Also, I am now 29 years old and have completely lost my sexuality. No feeling in my genitals, not a shred of desire or function in my penis.  

 

How are you ever supposed to believe you'll recover from this?

 

If I ever see a change/window in this area.  And then it disappears again for a long time, does it mean that it will come again?

 

I really thought the last half year would be different..

[2cats2272]

@Rene94 I’m sorry you’re having such a tough go. I get it!!! I was on Effexor for 17 years. Tapered too quick and have been off for 5 months. I’m struggling too. I have to force myself sometimes to look for the good. Even the tiniest progress is just that. 
I continue to go to work even though I don’t feel like it. 
I started therapy sometime in February. I’ve connected with outro (I’m pretty sure it’s mostly Canada but I noticed a waitlist for the USA) I go to the chiropractor, massage therapy and recently started acupuncture (the jury is still out on that… I had 2 great treatments but the last one seemed to ramp up anxiety) I take fish oil 4 times a day and magnesium at night. 
I get very low and frustrated when I hit a wave. You can do this!!! We can do this! 

[Rene94]

@2cats2272 Thank you for your encouraging words. What symptoms do you have? How do you experience windows? What is a window for you? Honestly, I would be interested to know how many people recover from cold turkey and how many remain permanently disabled. Or does healing mean for many that they simply learn to cope with the symptoms and the 95% restricted quality of life after a few years?

 

Nothing has changed in my condition for 7 months.  I think maybe the metabolism has stopped, broken or there is simply no healing. Unfortunately, my hope is gone and I am very afraid of living for the rest of my life with severe insomnia, complete mental and physical deafness, and complete chemical castration.  People who haven't experienced any of these symptoms have no idea how horrifying it feels and how difficult it is to choose such a life as a robot.

 

So I wanted to ask others, how many recover from cold turkey or fast taper and how many don't?  I know about autoimmune diseases..

 

Please reply.. 

[Rene94]

What do you think would happen if I took a mini dose of the drug after such a long time? Maybe I could boost sluggish metabolism or neuroplasticity? What do you all mean? Is it better to leave it or try it? Maybe 1mg or something. 

[2cats2272]

Hi @Rene94 I’m still having a hard time in the mornings. I wake early and cannot go back to sleep. My muscles ache. I have an unease at times. I don’t want to call it anxiety because it’s not really. I cry way more than I ever have. I know that I am progressing. My little windows I’ve been having lately are like glimpses of what’s to come. I feel calm and content. I’ve had way more waves than windows but I’m hopeful that’ll change. 
I toyed with the idea of reinstating in hopes that I would eliminate these withdrawal symptoms and then taper much slower and lower than I did. However, there’s no guarantee and for me, I don’t want to rock the boat. I don’t want to potentially ruin the progress I’ve made.  For me, reinstating this far out (5.5 months) is too much of a gamble. I’ve read a lot about people who have recovered from CT. I completely understand how hard it is to be patient but really, for me, that’s all I have. I have to let time heal. I just have to continue to do the things that will make me feel better. Our brains are pretty awesome. I don’t expect (although I wish) to heal completely heal quickly. I was on Effexor for a long time and tapered off in 3 months. 37.5 on the 26th of January 2023 was my last dose. 

[Rene94]

@2cats2272

It's nice to hear that you trust your body and trust that you will make a full recovery. For my part, I believe that it is gambling, however. Some may recover completely, others only partially and others even less.. I have so many regrets and that I am now disabled I just can't process or accept. It's such a horrible torture to live the life of a robot and just watch everyone else out there living their lives even though you can move.

 

I feel very bad.... I wish every day I could turn back time. 

[modelarz71]

I, too, still remember the beginning of taking the drugs and think what a mistake it was, but I try to hope. Previously, 
I had at least a hobby ... best regards

[Altostrata]

Hello, @Rene94 How has your symptom pattern changed in the last 6 months?

[Rene94]

Hello @Altostrata. 

When I wrote my first post here and described my symptoms, you said to me that I can and will recover.  However, in other posts you write that sexual dysfunction persists after stopping antidepressants.  Is that really the case for some here in the forum?  I have strong suicidal thoughts.. I can't imagine life without love, partner and sexuality..  Because if a symptom persists, it has nothing to do with recovery.

 

Thank you for your reply. 

[Rene94]

@Altostrata

The symptoms have sometimes even worsened and have remained unchanged. I honestly don't know if it's possible to have a 7 month long wave..?