SertSlave: My heart is broken – my 12-year journey with antidepressants

[SertSlave]

This story is intended to be published elsewhere as a human interest article. The author is an occasional freelance writer.

 

 

I asked for them. That's the part of my 12-year journey with antidepressants and their fallout that really sticks in my head. I asked for them. The drugs that would have such a devastating effect on my life were something that I asked for. I believe in personal responsibility.

 

But then I have to remind myself. When you walk into a doctor's office with a few issues – in my case a touch of anxiety and mildly obsessive thoughts – there's only one adult in the room and that's the person with the expensive embroidered degree on the wall.

 

In 2011, I was encouraged by a counsellor to ask my general practitioner (GP) for antidepressants. The counsellor informed me I would be facing an uphill battle for life if I didn't use them. A 5-minute consult with my GP followed with a few vague questions.

 

'Are they addictive?' I ask. 'No, not at all' was the response. I was prescribed a low dose of 10 milligrams of citalopram, an antidepressant of the selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor variety (SSRI). It stimulates neurotransmitters in the brain to allow serotonin to linger a lot longer.

 

'Here's your script, the chemist is next door' I was told. Us New Zealanders can be a trusting lot. We live at the bottom of the world, we stick to our own and tend to go with the flow. As an aside, we have major housing issues, social inequalities and a mental heath crisis, but tell us we can't go to the beach for a few weeks due to a pandemic – then we riot!

 

The pills worked for about 6 months, then the old issues cropped up. Fast forward about a year, I'm back in front of my trusted GP, who told me to up the dose to 20 milligrams. It was at this point I was informed that I would likely be on these drugs for life due to my tendency to 'worry'. After this, things settled down for a bit and I sank into my medicated heaven.

 

Now the side effects started creeping in. Some of these were deeply personal (Google it). But the biggest one for me was the jaw clenching or 'bruxism' and to this day I still have the cracks in my teeth from this. Back to the GP. I was told it wasn't bruxism but an ear infection and with a patronising air was given Flixonase nose drops. Yeah, they didn't work. After this, I decided to just accept things and put up with my lot.

 

But by 2018, enough was enough. More side effects were creeping in and I didn't want to be a slave to the jagged little pills anymore. I decided to come off. With only some limited knowledge of tapering and no advice from anyone I reduced dose to 10mg. Big mistake. My world fell apart, my days became nights and I sank into a deep depression. Arguments and confrontations with family and friends became a thing that year.

 

A few weeks later, back to my old friend the GP – you'd think I'd learn by now. I asked about using a different drug with less side effects. Another 5 minute consult. 'Are they addictive!?' I asked 'Nah, not to my knowledge!' I was prescribed Buspirone, a different class of antidepressant. Two days after taking these I was almost housebound with paranoia, agoraphobia (fear of outdoors) and obsessive thoughts. I tossed the latest pills in the bin and reinstated back up to 10mg citalopram, a lower dose than I was originally on. Things improved somewhat and life limped on for a few more years, but still with side effects.

 

2020 arrived, with all its pandemic issues. My old GP decided to retire. I decided to see my new GP to sound her out about some of my drug side effects. This time I had better luck. She told me the bruxism and other issues were in actual fact a known side effect of antidepressants and she had quite a few patients who experienced it while taking them. Did my old GP not have patients with these effects, or did he not read their notes or listen to the words coming out their mouths?

 

It was at this point I decided I wanted out. No more, never again. I sought advice online about how to taper off SSRIs – I was told by my GP to merely 'take it easy'. I started to take it easy by literally shaving the pill, month to month. Not exactly the most scientific way of doing it. The chemist offered to convert my pills to liquid form to allow for easier dosing – but wanted a 100 dollars a pop to provide this service. Good old New Zealand health system, here's to 30 years of neoliberalism – how's it working out for us?

 

September 2020 arrived and I started experiencing my first withdrawal effects – a visual migraine. Not too bad, I thought. I can deal with that. The tapering and shaving of the pill continued over the next year, all throughout the lockdowns and the world going bonkers. I hit July of 2021 with another lockdown, and my shaving of the pill had got to the point where I couldn't do it anymore. The last crumb was just too small for the knife to go through, so I jumped off. Nuclear level mistake.

 

I didn't know it at the time, but I had just launched a missile a year into the future. These days I know all about how antidepressant withdrawal works. There's an acute phase, where you get a bunch of short-acting symptoms. Then there can be the post-acute phase where new symptoms develop some time later as your brain tries to rebalance itself. That last tiny dose is the one you're supposed to hang around on the longest.

 

Anyway, this next phase of withdrawal crept in, and it was my first experience with chronic pain. Blinding, piercing headaches that wrapped like a band around the base of my skull. Ever had a red wine hangover? This felt like a permanent version of that. This came and went over the next year and seemed to be made worse by certain prescribed drugs, some types of alcohol (hoppy beer) or supplements, but could also pay a wee visit for no apparent reason.

 

Then August of 2022 arrived and all hell broke loose. The missile landed. Sudden widespread chronic pain was delivered to my doorstep. This affected my back and joints. For my sins I also added migraines, exercise intolerance, chronic fatigue, nausea, depression and the intermittent return of bruxism. My first post-pandemic overseas holiday to Sydney happened that month and my wife was dragging a living corpse around with her. No painkiller touches it, you just have to accept it. As of January 2023, after a year and half off the drugs these issues are ongoing.

 

It's important to understand, this is not a relapse of the original diagnosis as many health professionals 'gaslight' this as. This is new, and reflects the experience of tens of thousands of people who are currently withdrawing from antidepressants. These people provide anecdotal evidence and their experiences are supported with a lot of emerging peer-reviewed literature.

 

After discovering a great deal of anecdotal evidence and doing my research my conclusion is this. I got off light. Ironically, thanks to the pandemic, an understanding employer and being able to work from home 4 days a week, I still have my job and can support myself.

 

I came off these drugs because they didn't work as promised and had side effects I wasn't informed of. Staying on them was a bit like a junkie who could no longer get high –  staying on heroin just to keep to their version of normal. I've since learned that going back on them may not even be an option as there's no guarantee it will resolve my symptoms due to how the central nervous system has been sensitized.

 

For the record, I believe that antidepressants have their place. If you are actively suicidal or have extreme chronic depression they can be a game-changer. I had none of these issues. I have some of them now, although to reassure everyone I am currently not, nor have I ever been, suicidal.

 

In my other life as I now call it, I was a dedicated martial artist, yogi and rock musician. All this is now gone. I'm now medically retired from everything I love and down to a single 4 kilometer walk per day and I'm only 49 years old. My biggest fear is these issues will now never resolve and I'm stuck with the fallout of bad advice, gaslighting medical health professionals and a hemorrhaging health system. 

 

My trust is in ashes. My heart is broken.

 

In January 2023, I discovered this website.

[Gridley]

Welcome to SA, SertSlave.  I'm sorry you're going through this.  Very nice writing.

 

It seems to me that you have a good grasp of what happened and is happening to you.  I'm going to give you some of our links on withdrawal.  You may have already covered some of this ground but there likely is some new information that will be helpful.  Take your time with this trove--it's a lot of information.

 

What is withdrawal syndrome.

 

Daily Checklist of Antidepressant Withdrawal Symptoms (PDF) 

 

The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

Brain Remodelling 

 

Video:  Healing From Antidepressants - Patterns of Recovery

 

Are We There Yet? How Long Is Withdrawal Going to Take?    

 

How Long, the Bottom Line

 

Indirect Factors That Influence Withdrawal Difficulties

 

Is It Really Withdrawal?

 

It Doesn’t end at “0”

 

Things to do Along the Way

 

So, When Will We Get There?

 

We don't recommend a lot of supplements on SA, as many members report being sensitive to them due to our over-reactive nervous systems, but two supplements that we do recommend are magnesium (glycerinate is a good form) and omega 3 (fish oil). Many people find these to be calming to the nervous system. 

 

Magnesium, nature's calcium channel blocker 

 

Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil) 

 

Add in one at a time and at a low dose in case you do experience problems.

 

This is your introduction topic -- the place for you to ask questions, record symptoms, share your progress, and connect with other members of the SA community.  I hope you’ll find the information in the SA forums helpful for your situation.  I'm sorry that you are in the position that you need the information, but I am glad that you found us.