TabbyCat82: Celexa Withdrawals

[TabbyCat82]

Hello. I had my first panic attack 12 years ago. Not knowing anything about panic attacks or anxiety I agreed to go on antidepressants with the promise that they would take care of me. My psychiatrist had told me if I could go a year with out a panic attack we would try to come off.  Trusting the drs, who gave me no other info or options than the antidepressant, I continued on this path for many years. I was terrified of panic attacks and so when I had yet another one I would reach out to the psych and he would increase my dosage making me feel strong again. I reached 25 mg of celexa and felt l didn't want to increase anymore so decided the next time I had a panic attack I would just ride it out, which I did and survived and definitely took the power from them. I had informed my psych of this and he was like I think you might be able to come off these meds someday! That felt so good. He has since retired and I had new psych who didn't reach out to me for a couple years and I was busy living life. When he finally did last year, he asked if I was willing to come off the celexa. I said yes! We started with halving the dose every 4 weeks. Pretty quickly I realized this was too fast, intrusive thoughts knocked me off my feet and not knowing what they were I thought I was losing my mind. We then decided to taper 25% every 4 weeks. That worked. I was taking the liquified version of the celexa until my last dose August 31. No major withdrawal symptoms that I can remember other than irritation and annoyance. At the time my only concern was not getting brain zaps, and I didn't. Little did I know the worst was yet to come. 

 

I was dealing with some anxiety creeping back into my life over the next months, nothing too terrible. 2 months off the meds completely we took a family vacation to Disneyland and I was smacked with major anxiety. I figured that it might be too much stimulation and maybe I should seek out some therapy to help with the anxiety. At the 4 month mark, I had scheduled talk therapy in December and the day of my first appointment my child stayed home from school feeling ill and that was okay, my therapy session was online, but out of no where an intrusive thought hit me and panic followed. I called my mother who lives near and had her sit with me. I thought I was losing it again. My therapist talked me through it, sort of. I did feel a little better afterwards and marched on. My husband took 3 weeks to work from home after that week and I felt better again. But as soon as he went back to work the intrusive thoughts started hitting harder and causing panic and anxiety and nausea. I felt like I couldn't be left alone. I started reading books about intrusive thoughts and it turned into Harm OCD. My talk therapist had no experience with it, so I went searching for a therapist who did. I found a OCD specialist clinic and signed up for therapy and have had 1 session with them so far, this took place last week. I couldn't find anything on the internet that said whether this was a withdrawal symptom or not.  I'm getting more symptoms physically now. Waking up I feel dread, nausea, anxiety, I feel like I'm being cooked from the inside with this intense heat. During the day I deal with the tingling brain and feelings of dread, anxiety. I have zero confidence. I still feel like I can't be left alone. My husband worked from home last week. Typically he works 2 days from home. I feel like a total burden, and I know he can't be home all the time, which causes me so much anxiety and panic. 

 

I've been reading on here the past week and took the advice to start taking fish oil, I went out to Trader Joe's to get the recommended capsules. I've been doing that for a week now. I started walking with occasional bouts of jogging this last week for 20-30 minutes. I have the headspace app which I've used for the past 4 years. I started journaling to keep track of my symptoms so that I have an idea if I'm getting any better.  I've been reading about waves and windows. I guess I've been in a wave for 4 weeks, and it does feel endless at times, with a few hours here and there that I feel normal, like myself. I'm a few days shy of being off the meds 5 months now. 

 

I've got two children depending on me and I feel this morning that I might need to reinstate, I have these feelings when the withdrawal symptoms feel intense. I have psych appointment Monday. I reached out to my psych last week about what I've been dealing with, he has been nonexistent through this entire process, never checking in. He had his nurse call me and talk to him about everything and he asked if I wanted to get back on the meds and I said no, but he did schedule me this appt for monday, with not my normal psych, but again I don't know my normal psych anyway. I had an appointment with my general dr for another topic yesterday and told her the withdrawal symptoms and she offered meds and I said no. Today I'm feeling so confused. That perhaps, going back on the meds and doing a slower, 10% taper, might be an option? But I also read a celexa story in the intros this morning about how their body rejected the celexa and now I'm worried about that. Ugh.. I just don't know what to do. If I could get my confidence back I feel like I could trudge on, but I don't know how to do that at this point. When I feel okay, I feel like I got this, when I feel the withdrawals I want to tap out. Any advice or thoughts, I'd appreciate. 

 

 

[Onmyway]

Dear @TabbyCat82

Welcome to SA. I am sorry your are going through all of that. It sounds really difficult.

 

We generally do not recommend reinstatement this far out but if you do decide to reinstate we'd recommend starting with 0.5 or 1mg as a lower risk strategy. 

 

The issue with withdrawal is that it makes our nervous system sensitive and small things can set it off. 

 

As you have discovered with panic attacks, feelings and thoughts are fleeting and if we face them and let them go, they do not harm us. OCD is a known withdrawal symptom and there is a thread on it in the Symptoms forum here (you can do a search). The truth is everyone has 'harm' thoughts at some point in their lives, you've had them too before the withdrawal. Except you just didn't pay any heed to it and it may not have even registered long enough to remember because these are nonsensical. Many of our thoughts are completely random and we don't have control over what pops in our minds - 'don't think of a pink elephant' idea. The question is what do we pay attention to. Once these thoughts elicit a fear response, you become vigilant and you start noticing them more and worrying about them which makes your fear center more vigilant. After all, the thoughts are awful and you KNOW it. But the reason why they elicit that fear response is just another indicator that they are not who you are. Anxiety usually feeds anxiety (look up 'anxiety loop') and so you get into a vicious cycle.

 

I and many members here have found the work of Claire Weeks very helpful in dealing with anxiety in general and OCD. She has a couple of books and also some videos. 

 

I have had struggled with OCD symptoms in withdrawal and it will go away, I can assure you. 

 

OMW

[Erimus]

Read this topic and add your drug history to your signature @TabbyCat82.

That way the staff can gather a quicker understanding of your case. 
 

The link to change your signature is in that article but I’ll post it here as well.

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/settings/signature/

 

[TabbyCat82]

@Onmyway Thank you so much for your response, it was really helpful and gave me hope where the OCD is concerned. I'll look for the threads on the subject. I will also look for Claire Weeks work. 

[TabbyCat82]

@Erimus Gotcha! Thank you for the help.

[TabbyCat82]

Hello. Thought I'd come back and update how things are going. I've been meaning to for a while now but have found many reasons to put it off. Today I'm home, kids at school, husband at work. Some of my physical symptoms have improved. I no longer have the intense heat sensation in my gut that was linked with waking up and feeling intense anxiety wondering what today would be like. I still wake up with anxiety, but I've learned to just get up and get moving. I'm several weeks into my OCD therapy specifically for Harm OCD. It is very hard and very emotional but I'm keeping up with the work. Still hoping the Harm OCD is part of the withdrawal process and one day it will just go away. It's just so unfair to be a stay at home mom and to be plagued with intrusive thoughts about my children who are my world. I will say that I'm in a better place than where I was when I first posted, I can sit with all these discomforts and know that yea it sucks, but it will get better. I get bouts of depression that last a couple hours to a few days but the heavy veil does eventually lift. I sit with anxiety most the day with an hour of relief here and there. And sometimes I just want to have a pity party, but I rarely let myself throw one, maybe I should. In fact I let myself have a few tears just now reading over my thoughts. I'm having a rough day with the intrusive thoughts, which I think may be linked to my cycle, because my intrusive thoughts were lighter the last couple weeks and the last couple days I have been inundated. Anyway, I thought it might help to just spout a little bit. 

[Gridley]

2 hours ago, TabbyCat82 said:

I sit with anxiety most the day with an hour of relief here and there.

I've found the legs-on-the-wall pose in the following link to be helpful with anxiety.  If you aren't limber enough to get your legs on the wall, you can hook your lower legs onto a chair seat while lying on the floor with a cushion for your head and back as needed.  This is easy to do at home and require no concentration.

 

10 minute Restorative Yoga for Relaxation | Up the wall

[TabbyCat82]

Thank you @Gridley for this. I will try this out and see how it goes. A 10 minute yoga practice is perfect for me. I enjoy yoga, but anything over 20 minutes I get antsy, lol. 

[TabbyCat82]

I'm hoping to get some guidance or encouragement today.  My last post was in February and since then things have improved. I am still very much in withdrawal I believe, but I think it was manageable. I've been seeing the therapist who specializes in OCD for the Harm OCD which has helped so much with desensitizing my fear thoughts. I've had some episodes here and there that I've come back to this forum to seek if things I was experiencing was "normal," and mostly found answers to my questions. I've been having a really hard time recently and I thought why the heck not, just post what's been going on and see if it makes me feel any better to put it out here. Here goes....

 

I had a chest pain 3 weeks ago in the middle of the night and it only lasted a couple minutes but was so intense I reached out to the drs. I've had these sensations before, comes in sharp under the left area of the chest, crests, then feel a pop sensation, then it's relieved, but it's been several years since this has occurred. Anyway, of course, my dr isn't available for 2 weeks so they set me up with a NP next day. My BP is always high when I go in, and sure enough it was high both times they took it along with high heart rate. The NP walks in starts going on about my high BP and Heart rate and says EKG is necessary. I tell her about what happened and she looks in my chart and she says, "oh, you have anxiety, it's your anxiety, we can put you on an antidepressant." If my heart rate was high before, it was out of control at this point. I'm not great with confrontation so I start spouting I'm in withdrawal, and she said no, you're not. I couldn't believe I was having an actual argument and then she laughed and resigned herself that I wasn't backing down and recommended I go get a massage. I was beside myself. In tears, I walked to get my labs done. EKG came back normal. Blood work came back normal. Urinalysis came back with protein in the urine. Now I'm freaking about this since I have one underperforming kidney. Next day a different dr emails me tells me all bloodwork is fine. I question the urinalysis, they come back and say take it again in 3-4 weeks, could be benign. I've been able to put this on the back burner for worries.

 

Then I start freaking out about the rock concert I have coming up. Bought the tickets in November before I hit withdrawals. I worried about my reaction to the concert, I worried if it would throw off my nervous system and was having extreme difficulty controlling the stress I felt about it. I worked with my therapist through it and decided to go with my therapy toolbox. My daughter is so stoked about the concert, I couldn't let her down, plus my husband will be there, I got a support system, I've got a plan of action, lets go. We went, it was so loud (had ear plugs), I was definitely sensitive to the environment, but I sat through it. We get home and I'm grateful I went, but know that I'm jacked. I didn't sleep at wink that night, which was 2 nights ago. Lyrics from the songs just kept playing over and over again in my brain. No amount of meditation calmed my brain. I didn't sleep again last night, but for a couple 45 minutes naps from 4am to 9am. 

 

I think I'm in a wave, because I feel like my symptoms were there but manageable, just low key to moderate anxiety, and I was working through it. Trying to slowly stretch out that comfort zone. Just weird things popping up, like joint pain was the most recent thing that cropped up. I can't even think of what my symptoms were right now strangely but I know I was in a better place then I was in January when I felt like my whole world was going to hell because of the harm OCD. But since the concert, and maybe even the dr appt visit, my worries are so exaggerated and on repeat. I can't sleep, I'm constantly in a state of being keyed up. And last night every time I started nod off my brain would have a jolt and I'd be back to square one. I'm living with constant nausea. Feeling of despair, like I'll never be better again, and that I simply cannot do this. Thanks to some tools I've learned in therapy, I can usually combat the "negative thoughts" but oh my gosh, is it hard. Oh! and crying spells when I feel the desperation deeply, fun! 

 

Next on my list is a family vacation coming up in 2 weeks and I'm debating whether I can handle it. We planned a surprise vacation for my youngest. Driving down to southern California and hitting destination spots along the way, places she's been wanting to visit with the main stop on her actual birthday being universal studios. She's a big fan of Harry Potter and Mario so it seemed like the perfect plan and I was so excited for it. Now, I'm a basket case of worries. I'm worried what if I don't sleep while on vacation. When I don't sleep I have this worry that I'm going to pass out, like I won't be able to function the next day. I've never passed out, I know its silly, but tell that to my brain that is repeating these worries over and over again. I feel like, Universal Studios is a lot of walking, what if I can't walk it? I've always been a worrier, but was always able to function and continue to do the things that I was worried about. Since the medication was put in place I became an introvert and unable to take risks. I'm so confused at this point. Sometimes I feel like throwing caution to the wind and saying F it and running towards the fears, other times I want to curl into a ball and feel sorry for myself. 

 

I tried looking over posts on the forum for different things I've mentioned but reading posts are causing increased anxiety. I'd appreciate anyone's insights on my ramblings. I'm still only taking a probiotic, a daily multivitamin, 1800 mg total EPA & DHA fish oil, nothing new. Did I just throw my nervous system into chaos from that dr visit and it just hasn't balanced itself out yet? Anyway, I'm a mess. I'm curious to hear anyones thoughts on the upcoming vacation. We've built this trip up for her for a couple months now, not giving her any clues to where we are taking her, I'd feel just so much guilt if it got taken away because of my inablilty to cope at the moment. I'll be talking with my therapist about this for sure, but my appt isn't for a few more days. Thanks for listening. ❤️ 

 

 

 

[TabbyCat82]

I went to bed last night tired, fell asleep for 15 minutes only to be jolted awake. Didn’t sleep a wink after that. Trying not to stress about it but finding it difficult.

[Onmyway]

That's a very common occurrence in withdrawal - having background calming music seems to help.  Look it up in the symptoms forum

[TabbyCat82]

Thank you @Onmyway I did find the melatonin thread per your instructions and purchased 1 mg tablets. I took .25 mg as suggested and although I felt drowsy I didn’t sleep a wink last night. I didn’t read in that same thread anyone having that occur. Should I resist taking more or should I give it another go this evening? I do find that I get very nervous taking anything so i wouldn’t be surprised if that’s why my body was fighting it.

[Onmyway]

Hi @TabbyCat82

melatonin is a hormone that your body already produces so it should not affect you in the same way that the other drugs did. This may be unrelated to the melatonin or caused by worrying about it. 

The best 'help' for the jolting up awake I have found has been just allowing it to happen and distracting myself when it does happen - i.e. watch a TV show for 30 min or so. You may not be able to sleep much for a while but that is OK you will get through this - it is only temporary. Plenty of people survive on very little sleep (new parents, for example). Accepting this state of affairs for a while will be OK. 

 

 

[TabbyCat82]

I canceled our family vacation. It just felt like too much with the insomnia. When I planned it I was in a much better place, thinking I’d only have to manage the anxiety  /OCD aspect of my withdrawal. I feel guilt and just depressed that my family has to suffer with me through this. I know this is my story I’m feeding, my family has been supportive and understanding. My 9 year old, this was her birthday vacation, said she was sad but her birthday will still come and she loves me. My 13 year old had tears but also beyond her years with understanding and maturity. I feel like I’m demanding too much from them. My husband has been my rock through it all, staying home when he’s needed and making me laugh. I read through a thread on acceptance which has been such a struggle to learn, but I’m practicing. I’ve read The Happiness Trap countless times over the past year. And just ordered Radical Acceptance per recommendation. I keep thinking how much easier it was on the meds. Even my therapist the other day said during my insomnia struggle meds can be helpful. She’s never mentioned them before as an option which made me feel like maybe, maybe it would be better for my family to get back on them. 
 

I had acupuncture yesterday to see if that might help with insomnia. I felt much more centered after the session. She gave me some herbs to take for a week and I see her again next week. Just like the melatonin, after taking the herbs I started panicking whether these were going to have an adverse effect. The old anxiety, is this going to kill me? Will my kidneys survive them? (I have one fully functioning kidney that I’ve had to worry about since I was a child). I meditated and worked on accepting my feelings and thoughts. I slept, a bit fitfully, for almost 8 hours. I’ll take it. 
 

Thank you @Onmyway for assuring me I’ll be okay. It really did help reading your words. I worry with little to no sleep I’m going to pass out. I worry I can’t drive for fear I’ll fall asleep with my girls in the car. I panic pretty easily right now. The reminder that new parents function with sleep deprivation was helpful too. I hardly remember those days.
 

I definitely have work to do with my need to control the situation and the struggle when I can’t. 

[TabbyCat82]

My sleep is better, 6 hours some nights, 2 hours others, but I’m functioning much better. It was light a light switched on and all of the sudden I had energy even with little to no sleep.

 

I have a vacation coming up, it was supposed to be an easy trip. We take it every summer, 4 hour drive there, 2 full days, home the next. I am so nervous about it. I was fine up until today. Now I’m a basket of nerves. I hate this. I can’t tell if it’s withdrawal induced anxiety or preexisting anxiety. And if it’s preexisting then I gotta go back on the medication. I can’t live like this. Im so broken feeling right now.

[TabbyCat82]

Canceled another vacation. Won’t plan anymore until this is over. Hoping I’ll be better in the future is just not working. Sorry to be a Debbie downer, I’m just not doing well. Been in a long wave, a month now, with little relief, other than coping better with insomnia. Reached out to psychiatry. Thinking about reinstating a small dose. Hard to know what to do. So confused.

[TabbyCat82]

Still in a wave, but have decided to the best of my abilities to try to see any positives I can. I got almost 7 hours of sleep last night! I also noticed recently that at some point the constant getting up to pee every 10-20 minutes has gotten better. I feel like I was only coming on here at my worst and that wasn’t helping me or anyone else that might be following along. I haven’t reinstated even though I was probably at my closest yet to throw in the towel. I picked up my Recovery and Renewal book and flipped to acceptance and felt like, okay, let’s go another day. I went to acupuncture today and she’s starting to work on my anxiety. Previously she was working on the insomnia (not sure that anything she did for me helped honestly.) I had a panic episode on the bed today when an intrusive thought appeared. My OCD therapist has helped me a lot with these awful thoughts but I haven’t really dealt with the harm ones in a while, it rocked me a lot. We’ve been focused on the bodily discomforts with withdrawal compulsions. I still can’t believe that one day this will all be in the past because it’s so very present. Working on forgiving the drs and forgiving myself. I’ve been harboring such negativity about being put on these meds for so long, it’s time to let it go. Nothing I can do about the past, only the present, right? So I’ll put on the tiniest of smiles and know in my heart, this too shall pass.

[TabbyCat82]

Got a walk in this morning before it gets too hot. Furthest I’ve walked all summer. I had a panic attack in May while on a walk because I had left my water at home and it was hot out and had an intrusive thought I’d surely pass out. Thanks mind! So Ive been avoiding walking. To a irrational degree. Anyway, thought I’d post that itty bitty success. Here’s to .6 miles! 

[TabbyCat82]

I had what I consider a window yesterday. I woke up feeling okay. Slept for 6 1/2 hrs. No physical issues that I’ve been dealing with the last month and a half. Went for a longer walk, .8 miles. Felt panicked at the furthest point from home worried I wouldn’t make it back, but anxiety slowly crept back down as I made my way back.  Ran some errands with the family trying not to rush, I don’t like to be away from home. All seemed great until that same intrusive thought smacked me in the evening that I had at my acupuncture appointment. I know OCD attacks the things you love and cherish, but knowing that doesn’t make it any easier. And it jumps around. One day I’m excessively worried about the planet, the next I’m worried I don’t love my daughter enough. It’s crushing. Woke up this morning with same intrusive thought and ruminating on it. I wrote out the dreaded imaginal my therapist recommends I do. Trying to have faith that this thought too shall pass. 

[TabbyCat82]

is it normal to have your ocd jump around day to day? One day I’m overly concerned with harm ocd, the next my health or whatever symptom is prevalent, the next suicide because I heard (not intentionally) suicide with mental health being discussed on a podcast, I’d normally avoid this topic right now. I feel like I’m in a constant state of fear. I do have an hour here or there where I’m given a break from the thoughts. Any experience with this @Onmyway?

[TabbyCat82]

Talked with therapist and yes, ocd jumping from subject matter day to day is “normal”. I had a bit of a reset remembering not to feed the ocd monster. Having the compulsions feed the ocd which makes it bigger and more exhausting to tackle, which is exactly what I was feeling. 
 

11 months antidepressant free. Intrusive thoughts still a challenge. Still feel scared about leaving town to go do anything like the beach, general exploring or even the movie theater. I guess I fear feeling the anxiety, but I had 12 years of running from it and being conditioned to fear it so it’s prob not surprising. 
 

But sleep has improved, getting at least 6 hours a night. Running errands every day to feel some anxiety with going out. Sitting with discomfort without going into full panic mode. Walking more and more outside. Getting some peeks into moments of clarity when the constant anxiety subsides for an hour here and there. 

[Tapering2023]

@TabbyCat82 

 

how are you doing now?

 

You mentioned having an intrusive thought consistently, had this improved for you? 
 

Been suffering with the same symptom myself for a long time. 
 

Finding it nearly impossible to cope with.

[TabbyCat82]

Hi @Tapering2023,

 

I'm really sorry to hear you’re suffering with intrusive thoughts. They are extremely difficult to cope with. I’m happy to say that things have gotten better. I’m still struggling with OCD and have been working with a therapist specializing in OCD and ERP for almost a year now. I no longer have the harm intrusive thoughts, and if I do randomly it’s very easy to get past it. My OCD has transferred to health anxiety and now I’m working on that, but I’ve gotten through so much so far, I know in time I’ll get through this too.  I can tell you some things that have helped outside of therapy:

 

My therapist recommended this book when I was knee deep in the harm ocd - Stop Obsessing by Edna B Foa 

 

I also listen to a podcast called Disordered with Drew (who also was prescribed antidepressants and had the nightmare of withdrawal but came out the other side) and Joshua Fletcher, a licensed therapist. They are both so personable, easy to listen to, and use humor to help through tough topics. Drew has his own podcast called The Anxious Truth, but it’s more anxiety based exposures and getting people motivated to take their life back. I found them by someone recommending them on this site and so grateful for it because it’s really when I saw a turn in getting my life back, which is still a slow process. 
 

If I can help anymore, let me know.

 

 

[Tapering2023]

Thank you very much! I tried an OCD therapist but I don't believe ERP is right for me... I don't get triggered and have the thoughts. I have the thoughts non-stop no matter what I am doing... so unfortunately I don't see ERP helping that especially since it heightens stress and can bring other symptoms. 

 

The Anxious Truth podcast looks great I will for sure check this out. 

 

I'm so glad you are doing better!

[TabbyCat82]

@Tapering2023

 

 I’m sorry you didn’t find therapy helpful. I also suffered from the non stop intrusive thoughts, not triggered, just there. I’d wake up in the middle of the night and boom! There it was, first thought of the day, I know all too well. It was/is a nightmare. The therapy is grueling work unfortunately. For harm it was brutal, but it helped desensitize or sometimes it was simply just a matter of figuring out the right tools to tolerating the thoughts. The tactics in CBT and ERP feel sadistic and absolutely heighten stress, but that’s when they say it’s working, when you feel the most anxiety is when you do the most learning. And it took a lot longer than I hoped it would to quell, and it transferred to another obsession, I guess OCD can work like that, it’s like a whack a mole. And totally understand that what works for one may not work for another. I hope you find something that works. Just know you are not alone. It can very much feel like that at times. You will get better, it takes time and bucket loads of tolerance. 
 

don’t forget to look at the podcast disordered too, it’s a little more gentler

 

You got this.

[Tapering2023]

Thank you so much. It is hell no doubt.
Constant fears of will it end and how long can I tolerate this too. But people say it does come to an end and get easier at least. it’s just been so difficult for months.

[Tapering2023]

Do you know of any success stories with these harm thoughts? Ones where people experienced them on a careful taper? I’m still on the meds and have done a very careful taper and I’m still experiencing withdrawal for almost 5 months. Any hope or common scenarios would be extremely helpful. 

[TabbyCat82]

@Tapering2023
 

Not to my knowledge. For a time I searched “harm ocd” or just “ocd” on this forum and would rake through those, some were triggering and some were really helpful and I’d copy and paste the helpful ones in my notes app. 

 

They say that the intrusive thoughts attack the ones we love, that did little to help me, but today, as a recovered person from the harm thoughts, I see how true it is. I worked on it for 6 months in therapy. It wasn’t linear progress but I got to a point that was livable and then it just slowly faded. It was learning to trust myself. I’m not sure how much you’d like me to reveal about my recovery and the types of exposures I did, I don’t want to trigger any unwanted anxiety for you. It was a lot of facing the ugly thoughts straight on.

Now that I think, I did experience them during my taper, I reached out to my doc and that’s when I learned about slow tapering from a book and the dr agreed to bump me back to the previous dose then do a slower taper, which as it turned out, was still too fast (surprise!) but I no longer had the thoughts. They’d return 4 months after my last dose.

 

I read books about intrusive thoughts which were validating but I could never implement the tactics to “live with them” on my own, I needed help, that’s when I put it into a specialists hands and was guided and directed, and it took time.
 

There’s definitely hope. Always. 

[Tapering2023]

Interesting so you’re essentially saying the thoughts were manifestations of something emotional and not chemical? 

[TabbyCat82]

I’m not sure how to answer that. When I experienced them during the taper off the meds I would’ve def blamed the drugs. When I was going through withdrawal I had little symptoms, that I attributed to coming off the drugs, I warned my family that I might be cranky at times. It wasn’t until a few months after being off that I started noticing the old anxiety creeping back, then panic attacks, then the intrusive thoughts, then I knew I was in the hell of withdrawal. And I held onto that explanation for my misery for months, and I do believe in a lot of ways it was the lack of the drugs. My brain having to work without the aid of the drugs and the nervous system repairing, blah, blah, blah. But my therapist was patient and listened but one day she said, what if it isn’t the withdrawal anymore and this is your new normal. Essentially acceptance. I fought that hard. I didn’t want any of this, I was waiting for that promise of it’ll all go away some day. Not so. I had to do work. And I resented it. However, that being said, I don’t know what your journey is or will be. It could very possibly be chemical for you. It could’ve been chemical for me. I don’t know, and it’s one if those uncertainties we all hate. I like to have control and I have none in this journey and still struggle with that reality, but getting better. Not sure if any of this makes sense, I hope it does. 

[Tapering2023]

Yea the uncertainty is awful. Not knowing how long it lasts, if it’s symptoms, if therapy can help or not, and therapists not even knowing about withdrawal. 
 

its super rough. 
 

im fighting day by day and i fear that doing exposures to these torture thoughts will make me just more stressed and obsessed with the thoughts. 
 

The thing is therapy is also crazy expensive and im seeing a withdrawal coach right now already

[TabbyCat82]

I was scared too about therapy because I had read what they may have you do and I was like no way, I’d never be able to do that. But the therapist assured me we wouldn’t do anything I wasn’t comfortable with or agreed to. We created a ladder with fears ranging from 1-10 and you’d be surprised what you’re willing to do to get rid or lessen the thoughts. And it worked. We also worked for several weeks on what was expected, the science behind everything, and gave me a base of knowledge to work from before we started any exposures.

 

Yes, expensive. I actually had to opt for a less expensive therapist, younger, in the OCD center, I wanted someone seasoned, but my pocketbook had other ideas, but it’s worked out. I did have to leave the talk therapist I was seeing, because apparently talk therapy doesn’t help with OCD specifically, and honestly she was incredibly unhelpful. It’s important they are trained in CBT. Believe me, I’ll be glad when I don’t need her anymore and I have that extra money every month! 

Have you read Hope and Help for your Nerves by Claire Weeks? 
 

The fact that you are fighting every day is so awesome. That’s all it takes. Time. There were moments this summer where I literally took it 10 minutes at a time. I’m glad those days are behind me but every day is still a fight, for different reasons now. I stopped documenting my journey on here because I barely got any engagement and I started feeling like I was talking into the wind. 

How is the withdrawal coach working? I would’ve loved one of those! 

 

[Tapering2023]

Thanks for sharing Tabby. I know what you mean by feeling isolated here. Probably because every time I post I am in panic mode not knowing how I can continue. 

 

I actually started listening to that audio book but didn't finish it. 

 

I picked up full catastrophe living, which talks about MSBR, mindfulness practices. 

 

I am trying to learn how to change my relationship with the negative thoughts and harm thoughts.

 

If I can continue to accept, let go, and not react, I can make it day by day. 

 

Right now I get about halfway through the day and then panic and go into bad spurts of anger because it's just too much to bare for an entire day. 

 

I am working and working out and trying to eat healthy. 

 

I don't know if OCD therapy would be right for me or not. 

[TabbyCat82]

You’re doing all the right things. Just keep at it. Be compassionate to yourself. Make sure you treat yourself at least once a day and acknowledge how hard this is and how you are doing it, even if you aren’t seeing the results you want as fast as you want. It’s a cruel process, and I wish there was more help available. Just remember you aren’t the only one on this wretched journey. Read the success stories when you need to. Thoughts are just thoughts. Just because our brain comes up with “unacceptable” thoughts does not mean we need to listen to it. Just say, Thanks brain! Or roll your eyes at it. Anything to create that separation between you and your thoughts. That takes time to master, I’m no master at it, but better than I was a year ago. Im sure you’ve read things like this. Every little bit of practice is creating new habits. And if you miss an opportunity to practice, that’s okay, you’ll get it next time. Recommit every day. Good luck and be kind to yourself.