Maverick8898 Posted February 8, 2023 Posted February 8, 2023 I am writing this because I am just tired of trying to be OK, presenting as ok to family, presenting as ok to work, presenting as a good partner, its all consuming. Talking helps initially but mostly reignites feelings which spiral out of control, containing them means that they come out in a form that's not me. I feel trapped within a person I can never fix, the saddest part is that I continually try like there will be a breakthrough or something will change forever, for myself it never does. My life is a relentless, sad and unforgiving cycle of pretence, numbness, fear, anxiety, pain and depression. The only way I can describe it is that I am mentally lonely. I have tried everything, counselling, medication, meditation, socialising, but inevitably find I am self ostracising. The sadness frankly is unbearable, I have moments of frantic crying and anguish and quickly realise no one is listening, no one really understands what is truly going on in your head. I hope someone can relate to this not as a negative rant, but can identify with these feelings and realise they are not alone. I just want to get off the roller coaster and there is no exit, what is it that I have done to deserve this, my own worst enemy is me and I can't change me. Good luck to the Survivors you are incredible, for me I am out, this is pointless. X Survining post effects of Clomipramine, diazepam, etizolam, pregablin, sertraline, quetiapine, apriprazole, propranolol. Been on nothing for 6 months.
Moderator Emeritus Onmyway Posted February 9, 2023 Moderator Emeritus Posted February 9, 2023 Hi @Maverick8898, I am so sorry you are dealing with such difficult emotions. I understand how hard it can be to feel so emotionally lonely. it is unclear from your post whether you are trying to come off of psychiatric drugs or you are going through withdrawal or neither. Can you pls clarify for us? While we can help you with drug issues we are not really equipped to provide MH support - we are just volunteers here with experience of withdrawal. Having said that, we are compassionate people who have been through a lot and understand some of what you are going through. How can we help you here? Also, can you pls fill in your drug signature? "Nothing so small as a moment is insurmountable, and moments are all that we have. You have survived every trial and tribulation that life has thrown at you up until this very instant. When future troubles come—and they will come—a version of you will be born into that moment that can conquer them, too." - Kevin Koenig I am not a doctor and this should not be considered medical advice. You can use the information and recommendations provided in whatever way you want and all decisions on your treatment are yours. In the next few weeks I do not have a lot of capacity to respond to questions. If you need a quick answer pls tag or ask other moderators who may want to be tagged. Aug 2000 - July 2003 (ct, 4-6 wk wd) , citalopram 20 mg, xanax prn, wellbutrin for a few months, trazodone prn Dec 2004 - July 2018 citalopram 20 mg, xanax prn (rarely used) Aug 2018 - citalopram 40 mg (self titrated up) September 2018 - January 2019 tapered citalopram - 40/30/20/10/5 no issues until a week after reaching 0 Feb 2019 0.25 xanax - 0.5/day (3 weeks) over to klonopin 0.25 once a day to manage severe wd March 6, reinstated citalopram 2.5 mg (liquid), klonopin 0.25 mg for sleep 2-3 times a week Apr 1st citalopram 2.0 mg (liquid), klonopin 0.25 once a week (off by 4/14/19- no tapering) citalopram (liquid) 4/14/19 -1.8 mg, 5/8/19 - 1.6 mg, 7/27/19 -1.5 mg, 8/15/19 - 1.35, 2/21/21 - 1.1 (smaller drops in between), 6/20/21 - 1.03 mg, 8/7/21- 1.025, 8/11/21 - 1.02, 8/15/21 - 1.015, 9/3/21 - 0.925 (fingers crossed!), 10/8/21 - 0.9, 10/18/21 - 0.875, 12/31/21 - 0.85, 1/7/22 - 0.825, 1/14/22 - 0.8, 1/22/22 - 0.785, 8/18/22 - 0.59, 12/15/2022 - 0.48, 2/15/22 - 0.43, 25/07/23 - 0.25 (mistake), 6/08/23 - 0.33mg Supplements: magnesium citrate and bi-glycinate
j1290 Posted February 9, 2023 Posted February 9, 2023 23 hours ago, Maverick8898 said: Talking helps initially but mostly reignites feelings which spiral out of control, containing them means that they come out in a form that's not me. I can relate to that. I swore off therapy after going many times, because I just felt worse after talking about childhood issues. I can tell you that EMDR has helped me dramatically with childhood trauma related depression that got me on meds in the first place. 2 I am not a doctor and do not offer any medical advice, only my own experience. Consult your physician. 2011-2015 tapered off 300MG of Effexor. Back in the Paxil Progress days. No rebound. 2005-2021: 450 mg Bupropion XL Daily 2021 Buporopion May 450mg/June 400mg/July 375mg/Aug 10th 360mg/ 2021 Dec - 150mg IR, 3x day = 450mg Bup, Heritage manufacturer-yellow color pill. 2022 May 3 - 3 x 150mg IR Bup, Avet brand(pharmacist said they merged with Heritage-orange color) -migraines REINSTATED-BACK TO MY LAST STABLE DOSE/TIME RELEASE 2022 June 5 - switched back to 3 x 150mg XL one time per day= 450 mg total Bup-Apotex brand FINISHED TAPER 2022 Aug 31 - 450MG to 412MG IR Bup//Sep. 28, 2022: 412mg to 375mg//Oct 26, 2022: 375mg to 365 mg//Nov 21, 2022: 365mg to 327mg//Dec 27, 2022: 327 mg to 290 mg//Dec 31, 2022: 290mg to 262mg//Jan 28, 2023: 262mg to 190mg//Feb. 19, 2023: 190mg to 140mg//Mar. 18, '23: 140mg to 100mg//can't remember the rest but jumped to zero Sept 5, 2023 CURRENT TAPER: Finasteride
Maverick8898 Posted February 9, 2023 Author Posted February 9, 2023 EDMR support is so difficult to obtain in the UK, I have had it before for the PTSD aspect but after it concluded I lost the ground I gained. On the waiting list currently 6 months, in absolute desperation and isolation at the same time. Wouldn't wish this on anyone. I am sorry to hear you have struggled similarly.... Survining post effects of Clomipramine, diazepam, etizolam, pregablin, sertraline, quetiapine, apriprazole, propranolol. Been on nothing for 6 months.
Thorin Posted February 9, 2023 Posted February 9, 2023 I saw three therapists who were just terrible. Then I tried one more and she has been incredible. Helped me in ways I thought I couldn’t be helped. Helped me in ways medication never did. Keep trying and try again until you find what works. It may not be one thing that helps. It may be an accumulation of a few things. It’s worth not giving up. 2 Age 16 (1995 - 2000) -Paroxetine Age 21 (2000-2004) - Effexor 37.5mg Age 24 (2004-2012) - Lexapro (70mg), Xanax minimum 2mg Xanax a day About 32 (2012-2017?) - Every mood stabiliser under the sun (not at the same time) and minimum 2mg Xanax a day; occasional amisulpride About 35 (2017-current) - Lurasidone 80 mg, quickly titrated down to 40mg, Pristiq (50 mg), minimum of 2mg Xanax a day About 41 (2020) Switched from Xanax to clonazepam and started tapering at 0.125 mg each reduction, tapered off Pristiq with a cross taper at the end, low dose of dextroamphetamine. Age 42 (2021) Tried to taper off Lurasidone three times. Quick taper from 40mg to 0 mg over a couple of months the first time. Reinstated at 20mg. Tried twice more to taper from 20 mg to 0 mg dropping by 5 mg each reduction (about every 2 weeks). Age 42-43 (April 2022) 20mg-18mg; May 18mg-16mg; June 16-14mg; September 14-12mg; September 12-14mg reinstated. February 2023 - hiccup with brand change, Back to Apotek brand and switch to homemade suspension. Age 44 (August 2023 -restarted clonazepam taper). Start dose 0.375mg. 1/9/2023 - 0.365mg; 1/10/2023 - 0.324mg; 1/11/2023 - 0.264mg; 1/12/2023 - 0.25 mg (holding); 1/2/2024 - 0.232mg; 1/3/2024 - 0.221mg; 1/4/2024 - 0.205mg; 1/8/2024 - 0.182mg; 1/9/2024 - 0.171mg; 1/10/2024 - 0.162mg Health regimen: walks, hot/cold showers, ice baths, breathwork, mostly healthy diet, therapy...... Open to ideas! Supplements: Omega 3, liver CBD/THC.
Mentor littlebird Posted February 9, 2023 Mentor Posted February 9, 2023 8 hours ago, j1290 said: On 2/8/2023 at 3:13 AM, Maverick8898 said: Talking helps initially but mostly reignites feelings which spiral out of control, containing them means that they come out in a form that's not me. I can relate to that. I swore off therapy after going many times, because I just felt worse after talking about childhood issues. I can tell you that EMDR has helped me dramatically with childhood trauma related depression that got me on meds in the first place. Relating to this as well! I once had a therapist who casually responded when I was saying therapy was disruptive, "Well, you started to dig in to traumatic memories, and your brain exploded." She wasn't the best therapist. I have found ways of working with childhood trauma that don't make my brain explode, but it still isn't easy! I've had the most luck from compassion-based modalities, and learning to speak to myself in a different way (my self-talk was pretty much 100% continuing childhood abuse). I also recently started with an amazing therapist who is doing some Gestalt stuff that's helping a lot and feels really productive (vs simply revisiting childhood events and spiraling). What we're doing now, instead of just talking about the childhood trauma, is to connect to the wounded childhood part and work with them directly (instead of talking about it in an adult state of mind and how it affects me now). I don't know if I'm explaining this well, but "parts work" with Internal Family Systems and Gestalt has been helping a lot more than simply talking about things with someone who wasn't trauma-informed. @Maverick8898 I'm so sorry you're feeling so hopeless! Perhaps reading through some of the success stories on here might help? Glad you're reaching out and joining the conversation. Cheering you on! 1 Pronouns: they/them/theirs Started on Prozac in early 2000s to treat cPTSD, been on various cocktails ever since. 2002-2004, 2017-2022: Buspar, tapered down to 0 2016-present: 100mg Seroquel for sleep -> May 2023: 90mg -> June 2023: 81mg -> September 2023: 72mg -> switched to brand name, much too strong, down to 60mg -> October 2023: 54mg -> November 2023: 50mg -> January 2024: 45mg -> April 2024: 40.5mg -> May 2024: 41mg -> June 2024: 35mg -> July 2024: 31mg -> August 2024: 28mg -> September 2024: 25mg 2016-Present: 100mg Wellbutrin SR -> January 2023: 75mg IR (37.5mg 2x a day, a mistake, don't replicate) -> February 2023 (33.75mg 2x a day) -> July 2023 (30.37mg 2x a day) -> August 2023: 25mg 2x a day -> October 2024: 22mg 2x a day 2018-present: 25mg Pristiq 2015-present: 600mg Gabapentin (200mg 3x a day) -> December 2022: 300mg Gabapentin (100mg 3x a day) per GP's recommendation after side effects -> March 2023: 90mg 3x a day (switched to liquid suspension) -> April 2023: 81mg 3x a day -> September 2023: bad generic, switched back to homemade liquid; too strong after bad generic, down to 70mg 3x a day, still bad. Adjusted slowly till at 60mg 3x a day, much better. Long hold till -> December 2023: 54mg, still feels too high after November Seroquel switch from brand name to generic, doc recommended 50mg which feels better -> January 2024: When Wellbutrin went down, Gabapentin started putting me to sleep, went down to 45mg, then 41mg to stay awake, so far so good -> February 2024: 36mg, still too high, 34mg -> March 2024: 31mg, STILL too high, 30mg down to 25mg Supplements: Multivitamin w/magnesium, probiotics, digestive enzymes, anti-viral nitric oxide nose spray as needed
Moderator Emeritus Onmyway Posted February 10, 2023 Moderator Emeritus Posted February 10, 2023 Hi @Maverick8898 can you pls provide a more detailed signature. We need this if you want advice from us. Pls have a look at my signature. At any time we want to know what meds and combinations you were taking as far back as you can go but more detail for the last few years. OMW "Nothing so small as a moment is insurmountable, and moments are all that we have. You have survived every trial and tribulation that life has thrown at you up until this very instant. When future troubles come—and they will come—a version of you will be born into that moment that can conquer them, too." - Kevin Koenig I am not a doctor and this should not be considered medical advice. You can use the information and recommendations provided in whatever way you want and all decisions on your treatment are yours. In the next few weeks I do not have a lot of capacity to respond to questions. If you need a quick answer pls tag or ask other moderators who may want to be tagged. Aug 2000 - July 2003 (ct, 4-6 wk wd) , citalopram 20 mg, xanax prn, wellbutrin for a few months, trazodone prn Dec 2004 - July 2018 citalopram 20 mg, xanax prn (rarely used) Aug 2018 - citalopram 40 mg (self titrated up) September 2018 - January 2019 tapered citalopram - 40/30/20/10/5 no issues until a week after reaching 0 Feb 2019 0.25 xanax - 0.5/day (3 weeks) over to klonopin 0.25 once a day to manage severe wd March 6, reinstated citalopram 2.5 mg (liquid), klonopin 0.25 mg for sleep 2-3 times a week Apr 1st citalopram 2.0 mg (liquid), klonopin 0.25 once a week (off by 4/14/19- no tapering) citalopram (liquid) 4/14/19 -1.8 mg, 5/8/19 - 1.6 mg, 7/27/19 -1.5 mg, 8/15/19 - 1.35, 2/21/21 - 1.1 (smaller drops in between), 6/20/21 - 1.03 mg, 8/7/21- 1.025, 8/11/21 - 1.02, 8/15/21 - 1.015, 9/3/21 - 0.925 (fingers crossed!), 10/8/21 - 0.9, 10/18/21 - 0.875, 12/31/21 - 0.85, 1/7/22 - 0.825, 1/14/22 - 0.8, 1/22/22 - 0.785, 8/18/22 - 0.59, 12/15/2022 - 0.48, 2/15/22 - 0.43, 25/07/23 - 0.25 (mistake), 6/08/23 - 0.33mg Supplements: magnesium citrate and bi-glycinate
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