angelhippie: 30+ years of SSRIs...quit last year and not doing well

[angelhippie]

Hi there. i wanted to introduce myself to the forums. I am a 53 year old divorced (4 years ago) woman with two boys (ages 20 and 17). I have been on various SSRIs since i was about 21.  I have been on them constantly, except for 18 months when I was pregnant and nursing my oldest. I tapered late last year but hadn't heard of these forums, so followed info i could glean online and did it over 6 weeks. I was on 40 mg of lexa but had only been on that for 8 weeks, and had switched from 20 mg of Prozac as that had stopped working. The Prozac I had been on consistently for 15 years. 

 

I decided to taper because the meds really werent working anymore. Im in the health care field and had done a lot of research on psilocybin, particularly microdosing, and decided I would give that a try but in order to really feel the effects, I knew I needed to taper of the SSRI (which, as I mentioned, was not working well anyway). I have moments, days, of "okay ness"--not happiness, but okayness. But the last 7 days have been pretty bleak for me. This does happen, even when SSRIs were "working"--I slip into a deep, existential despair about the world, my kids, whats the point of it all sort of attitude. I still manage to get to work, barely (I work part-time and set my own hours, thankfully), and I still manage to take showers,and even try and exercise. But the effort it takes is overwhelming me. Even in my darkest moments, when I had PPD after the birth of my son, I cared for him perfectly, and tried my best to hide my depression from those around me. I am one of the "functional depressives"--hardly anyone in my life knows I suffer as I put on a happy face when I am in public. But as I'm sure many of you understand, that is utterly exhausting.

 

My oldest is a junior in college, and my youngest will be leaving in a few months as well. Both will/are attending college in NY, and I am in Florida. I am very unhappy with the politics in Florida, and despite the exhortations of friends to "just ignore the news" (and believe me, I try) as the mother to a queer teen this is not always possible. In addition, I have in the past been very politcally active, heading up local groups, organizing rallies, and speaking up at local government meetings. The helplessness I feel about the world right now is part and parcel with my mood, and it seems, with who I am fundamentally, and it's hard to let that go but I am trying. I am an empath, and feel the pain of suffering around me as acutely as if it were my own--perhaps more.--and i know this does not help my depression but it feels unchangeable.

 

I meditate, journal, eat fairly healthy, exercise 4-5 times a week. I get sunshine by going to the beach a few times a week. My work is boring to me as I have been doing it for 24 years, and do what i may to try and recapture my old enjoyment of it (seminars, learning new things) it's just not happening. The idea of stopping my work has occurred to me, but what would i do for money? The idea of leaving the state of Florida has occured to me (and I still might do it) but in my line of work the only optioon is to start ones own clinic, and the idea of restarting a brand new business in a new state at my age feels ridiculous and stupid. My current work is not lucrative but I can support myself, and it feels foolish to throw that away.

 

EMotionally, I am exhausted. I wake up each day in a haze of sadness and exhaustion, even after sleeping 10 hours. I force myself to go through the rituals of walking my dogs, eating some toast and either exercising or going to work. I read a lot of non-dual philosophy in the hopes of recognizing the beauty of the world and my place in it, but for the moment, it's not helping. I dont know if this is the withdrawal (im sure it's part of it), or just me (as I have felt this way many times, even when on SSRIs). I feel like I'm just wired this way, and nothing will help. And having suffered for 30 years, I've tried EVERYTHING. 

 

I have microdosed since December, following the Fadiman Protocol, and up until the last week I felt it was keeping the worst at bay (and was definitely helping with my anxiety). Sadly, I cannot afford regular therapy and tbh, I'm not sure how much it helped (although I loved my therapist). I feel I am just broken, tbh, and not even sure why I am here. It feels quite hopeless.  

[Gridley]

Welcome to SA, angelhippie.

 

We're a site for tapering off psychiatric drugs.    It is possible we might be able to help you regarding the effects of your rapid taper off 40mg Zoloft in late 2022.  To do so, we need more information.  Could you please update your signature to include the following:

 

Dates and dosages of your switch from Prozac to Lexapro.

Dates and dosage of your switch from Lexapro to Zoloft

Dates and dosages of your taper off Zoloft, including date of last dose and (very important) size of last dose.

 

Please use this link to update:

 

Account Settings – Create or Edit a signature.

 

Please use a list format rather than a paragraph format.

 

Another question, please (not for the signature)--how did you feel after the Zoloft taper?  Can differentiate how you're feeling now as opposed to when you were on the Zoloft?

 

We don't recommend a lot of supplements on SA, as many members report being sensitive to them due to our over-reactive nervous systems, but two supplements that we do recommend are magnesium (glycinate is a good form) and omega 3 (fish oil). Many people find these to be calming to the nervous system. 

 

Magnesium, nature's calcium channel blocker 

 

Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil) 

 

Add in one at a time and at a low dose in case you do experience problems.

 

This is your introduction topic -- the place for you to ask questions, record symptoms, share your progress, and connect with other members of the SA community.  I hope you’ll find the information in the SA forums helpful for your situation.  I'm sorry that you are in the position that you need the information, but I am glad that you found us.