HAL234: Introduction - Beginning reinstatement after a 2 month taper and 2 months of difficult withdrawal symptoms. Worried about emotional detachment/amnesia.

[HAL234]

HI Everyone,

 

I am new to the forum and am grateful beyond words that this support community is here.  I am hoping that someone can help me with practical advice or emotional support as I try to stabilize after 2 difficult and sometimes brutal months of withdrawal from 20 mg. of Escitalopram.  I've been on some form of an SSRI and various dosages, usually together with a benzodiazepine, for Generalized Anxiety Disorder for at least 20 years.  My long term goal is to get off of all my prescribed medications, and my doctor and I agreed that I should start with the SSRI.

 

I completed an eight-week taper from 20 mg. to zero from March 1 to May 1 by decreasing the dosages 2.5 mg each week (which at the time I thought was conservative and slow.) Before I began tapering, I spoke with my doctor and two very close family members who are psychiatrists, reviewed the guidelines published by some well-known healthcare providers, and read the recommendations summarized in several peer-reviewed medical journals.  I also talked through my plan with my wife, who has been wonderfully supportive.   I am a teacher and my workload is more manageable during the summer (I still have lots to do, but can to it at home) so my original idea was to use this time to gut out the worst of the withdrawal and then be recovered before I return to the classroom.  Nothing in the limited research I did mentioned the possibility of the protracted and worsening withdrawal that I've experienced (and I've kicked myself many times already for not finding SA sooner!)

 

In hindsight, my judgement was naive (to put it kindly) and I drastically underestimated the consequences of my plan.  The intensity of my taper and withdrawal resembles many that I've read on the forum: The taper itself was uncomfortable but at least manageable; the withdrawal has gone from bad to worse to really awful and scary.  After reading some of the posts about effective tapering (e.g. BrassMonkey's guide) and the threads posted under "Reinstating", I've decided to stabilize as quickly as possible, and then begin a very slow 5-10%/month.

 

I have a couple of questions, and would be grateful for the community's thoughts, advice, or help:

 

1.  The symptom of my withdrawal that scares me the most is a sort of ongoing "spaciness".  I don't see it listed often among the common withdrawal symptoms, so I'll try to be a bit more specific:  First, I'm just sort of out-of-it and exhausted during the day, like I'm not present for any of my experiences (Maybe similar to the experience described by JL86 here, or Foggyhead here?)  Second -- and really this is the scary part to me -- my ability to *feel* my memories is just sort of, poof, gone.-- it's almost like  "emotional amnesia."  I can remember things that happen throughout the day in sort of hazy way, but I don't really have feelings about them.  For example, I traveled to visit an old friend for a weekend, and I enjoyed myself while I was there, but I can't recall or feel any of the vivid emotions now that I'm back.  I can't, for example, close my eyes and feel the wave of happiness and personal connection and gratitude that I usually would.  Another example:  I took my kids camping and I remember having fun, but I have no lasting emotional connection to something that normally I would dearly treasure!   We spent hours running around and playing, and when I sit and think about it, there's only the factual memory.  The best I can do to feel emotion is watch the few videos we took over and over until I'm overwhelmed by crying.   

 

If someone else has experienced this, please do let me know.  I'm really scared that my withdrawal has sort of lobotomized some part of me that won't recover.

 

2.  Like many of the people who've written on this forum, my anxiety during withdrawal is sometimes brutal and it's often hard for me to do anything at all with my time.  One odd and disturbing specific:  I can no longer read books or do any heavy thinking without quickly beginning to panic.  As soon as I try to focus on a story or an essay my heart begins racing.  Fast.  And I have to stop.  Is this familiar to anyone else?

 

3. Can anyone given me an idea about what stabilizing might look like after my tapering and withdrawal experience?  Any anecdotal experience or evidence about how long it might take to get to some sense of feeling normal? I'm really looking for hope...I'm really frightened that I've damaged myself and will be stuck in this haze and numbness for a long time.

 

4. This experience has left me exhausted and scared and right now I want to feel better as soon as possible.   Was anyone worried that a small reinstatement dose would be enough stabelize?  The posts on reinstatement and stabilizing are well-reasoned and very clear; they're just so hard to accept and it's so tempting to pick up at a dose closer to where I left off.  I understand that the low dose is intended to avoid the danger of overstimulating an over-sensitized nervous system, but then once things have calmed down, wouldn't it make sense to updose and stabilize at a dose closer to the original dose -- mainly to  get relief after this ordeal -- and *then* begin a long taper? If I understand the decay graph from the 10% tapering post correctly, it takes nearly 4 years for a hypothetical 10%/mo taper to zero, but only 6 months to get from 100% to 50%.  Why not get back to what I know and then start over?   Please accept my apologies if this is a dumb question; I'm just anxious to feel better.  Does anyone have any experience or advice they can share?

 

Thank you to everyone in the community for your time and attention.  I hope to hear from you soon!

 

 

 

 

 

Edited July 2, 2023 by manymoretodays
name to topic title

[Altostrata]

Welcome, @HAL234

 

Can you recall where in your taper the withdrawal symptoms started? We advise people not to continue tapering if they get withdrawal symptoms, more dosage reduction only makes them worse.

 

For the time being, suggest you get prescription liquid escitalopram and reinstate 1mg. This may be enough to stop the withdrawal symptoms.

 

To help us out, follow these instructions Please put your drug and withdrawal history in your signature You may need to use a computer to do this.

 

Please let us know how you're doing. 

[HAL234]

Hi Altostrata - 

 

Thank you for your response and your help!  I've updated my signature to include my medication and taper history.

 

My withdrawal symptoms began within the first 2 weeks of my taper (when I reached 15 mg., down from from 20 mg.), but they were relatively manageable, and I figured they were a temporary discomfort that I could endure.   At first, the symptoms were somewhat similar to those I'd experienced when I quit nicotine after smoking cigarettes 20+ years: a few emotional extremes and occasional bouts of crying, but I still felt like myself.  This continued until I reached 0 mg. on May 1.

 

The truly frightening symptoms, the symptoms I described in my introductory post,  began shortly after this, once I'd stopped taking the drug entirely.  The emotional detachment, the anxiety, and the inability to concentrate, worsened significantly at about the time I went to 0 mg.

 

The smallest reinstatement dose I can reliably measure with the pills I currently have is 2.5 mg, which I began on June 30.  My overall symptoms have improved somewhat, but I'm still very far from normal.  I still suffer from bad insomnia and anxiety, and both my mind and emotions are still stuck in a fog.  I feel strangely disconnected from my own experiences, even as I'm having them.

 

Do you think I should contact my health care provider to see if I can arrange for 1 mg. dosages?   (This might take at least a week or two).  Or do you think it would be better to updose to 5mg or maybe even 10mg. if I can tolerate 2.5mg. for an entire week?  (This is sort of question 4 from my original post: I want so badly to feel close to normal that right now that I'd happily go back in time to my previous dose of 20mg and then begin a slow 4-5 year taper...I'm still kicking myself that i didn't know better before this taper.) 

 

Also, can you give me some sense of whether or when (in your opinion) the symptoms I described might improve?  I've been a teacher for 20 years and I'm seriously worried that I'm no longer fit to do my job, that I will be overwhelmed by anxiety and panic when classroom instruction resumes in September.  

 

Thank you again so much for your attention and your help!

[Altostrata]

Hello, @HAL234

 

On 7/5/2023 at 5:22 AM, HAL234 said:

My overall symptoms have improved somewhat, but I'm still very far from normal.

 

Which symptoms have gotten better since you've reinstated 2.5mg? How has your sleep pattern changed?

[HAL234]

Anxiety and insomnia has lessened a bit.  Unfortunately the I'm still very out-of-it and spacey.  Is this a common symptom?  Might it go away if I upped by reinstatement dose of Escitalopram?  (The idea is to find a more comfortable stabilization and then begin a much slower taper).

[Altostrata]

On 7/5/2023 at 5:22 AM, HAL234 said:

The smallest reinstatement dose I can reliably measure with the pills I currently have is 2.5 mg, which I began on June 30.  

 

You started the 2.5mg reinstatement only 2 weeks ago. Suggest you give it another 2 weeks at least. More is not necessarily better.

 

We expect the stabilization process to be gradual, possibly with a lot of ups and downs. See

What is withdrawal syndrome? 
 
About reinstating and stabilizing to reduce withdrawal symptoms 
 
The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

Please let us know how you're doing.