Soily: I like myself more when I'm taking Escitalopram but am nervous to start again

[soily]

Hi there. I am thinking about starting an SSRI again after 1 year off. I would like yalls input.

 

I was diagnosed with GAD in 2020 and began taking 10mg of Escitalopram and continued till 2022 in addition to weekly therapy. The only negative side effect was a diminished sex drive. In 2022, I felt I had the emotional tools to deal with the anxiety so I tapered off the Escitalopram. This was successful in that I had no side effects. Taper lasted 3 months, reduced dose 2.5mg each month.

 

However I liked who I was while on it. Escitalopram allowed me to feel empathy, emotional stability, selflessness, social, and the need for human connection. I've struggled with these things all of my life. I was close to people and didnt get exhausted by them. I had girlfriend and stayed emotionally connected with her after the infatuation wore off. I cried for the first time in ten years. In short, I was happy with my new found emotional depth. This depth allowed me to see beyond my own needs in order to give to others. Most of my research on SSRIs states that they cause a blunting of emotions. I felt the exact opposite.

 

Now that I'm off, I have the emotional life I had prior to 2020. It makes me sad. I dont want to live this way for the rest of my life. I want to marry and have kids. I want to be emotionally close with people.

 

I feel conflicted as I have read horror stories of long term SSRI use but also dont want to feel so alone.

 

What would yall do if you were in my shoes?

 

I've read the thread "The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization" and dont think it necessarily applies to me. I've been aware of my emotional deficiency my entire life. I dont feel worse than before.

[Onmyway]

Hi @soily,

I don't think you will find SSRI supporters on this site as we have all suffered tremendously from withdrawal and some of us from side effects. So I think our opinion would be a resounding "no". However, this is your life and our opinion should not matter to your decision. As long as you are aware of the risks of withdrawal, and long term changes including potential long term health effects, you can decide for yourself. Remember that the fact that you were able to withdraw without any issue does not mean the same will be true a second time (check out the Hypersensitivity thread in the Symptoms forum). 

 

It is interesting that for the first time you felt this depth of positive emotions. Maybe this was possible because it numbed the negative emotions? An alternative way to deal with those negative emotions might help? I don't know. Also, you attribute it to the drugs but maybe it was the specific partner with whom you could feel these emotions? Reaching for that feeling now may be a way to get back the partner you may have lost? I don't know the whole story but you might be able to think about that with your therapist?

 

I am glad that you were able to feel such depth of emotion. There is research that shows the opposite to be true but we are all unique and our reaction to things is also unique. Hope you make the right decision for yourself. I can imagine how tempting this sense of feeling must be.  

 

OMW

Edited July 3, 2023 by Onmyway