inneraura Found my People but still in Denial

[inneraura]

I’ve been on and off Zoloft since 1997. I took it for mild anxiety, PMS. Wow so innocent then. I did feel better on it, ate less junk food etc. Thought of it as a brain vitamin. My dose then was 50mg. I started to go off and on sertraline on my own, reinstating during withdrawal (which I thought was depression coming back, even though it was much worse than anything I had ever had before Med). My first protracted withdrawal was 15 years ago. I had been off for nearly a year. It came out of the blue. Full on nerve burning 🔥, terrible insomnia, black thoughts, teeth grinding, shaking, vertigo etc. I thought it was me. Not the drug. I reinstated zoloft. It took a month to start pulling out of it 75mg.  I also took Ativan during that time but very little, and didn’t continue after a month. 
 

I’ve since constantly tried to pair down my doses. I get to 50mg or 25 mg and start having insomnia, burning and nerve pain. I go back up. But continued until I finally got off completely two years ago. 
 

one year after getting off, I went into total PAWS. I thought I was dying of a rare disease. Doctors gave me tons of tests, no one could figure it out. They thought I had been off sertraline too long for that to be the issue. OMG. I reinstated for four months. Pure hell. Started to improve and got off again!!!!

 

I was ‘fine’ for eight month off. But weird little things, like hand trembling and nerve burning. Then this June again PAWS full on deep withdrawal. Again I go to doctors and no one knows what’s wrong with me. I think I have encephalitis. I reinstate sertraline again. 50mg, then 75mg, now at 100mg. It’s been seven weeks. I’m still very much in PAWS. My family and partner are doing all they can to support me. I never knew this world existed. I’m the one who finally linked the SSRI to my symptoms. The doctors are in denial but the nurse practitioner is learning.  Im heartbroken. So saddened by the shear amount of human suffering. It’s all so surreal to me. Im so grateful for this group and site, though it makes me sad and scared too. 

[Altostrata]

Welcome, @inneraura

 

I am sorry you are having these problems. It sounds like you improved a lot over 8 months, but your nervous system was still unstable. It can take many months to recover from PAWS. 

 

How has your symptom pattern changed since increasing to 100mg?

 

Many people find fish oil and magnesium supplements helpful, see

 

https://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/36-king-of-supplements-omega-3-fatty-acids-fish-oil/

 

https://survivingantidepressants.org/topic/15483-magnesium-natures-calcium-channel-blocker/

 

You might try a little bit of one at a time to see how it affects you. Please let us know how you’re doing.

[inneraura]

Thank you for creating this site.

 

im getting small blocks of shallow sleep. Wake up on fire, surreal. I maybe slowly climbing out of the worst of protracted withdrawal. I am in the thick of dark thoughts etc. Pain, insomnia, 

 

not sure on reinstatement. I’m between rock and hard place. I want to be off these meds but I can’t survive this withdrawal and it seems there’s no way around it???  I tapered way to fast in the past. But even with extreme slow taper folks are still getting sick. The doctors I’ve worked with are in complete denial.  They prescribe like candy. 
I’ve never been poly drugged. Which is exactly what they want to do. I feel poisoned, and I take the poison that poisoned me. It’s very very hard to navigate each day. My sense of time has altered. The nights are horrendous. 
 

It would be very good to have a mentor who’s survived and thrived.  
 

again thank you for this site

@inneraura
 

 

 

 

[Altostrata]

Please add the date of your 100mg sertraline reinstatement to your signature, and the date you started sertraline in 1997.

 

A little improvement is a good sign. It may take some months for you to stabilize. Then you might consider tapering by very small amounts, since you've already had a rough time. We have people here who have done this.

 

Many people find fish oil and magnesium supplements helpful, see

 

https://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/36-king-of-supplements-omega-3-fatty-acids-fish-oil/

 

https://survivingantidepressants.org/topic/15483-magnesium-natures-calcium-channel-blocker/

 

You might try a little bit of one at a time to see how it affects you. Please let us know how you’re doing.

[inneraura]

I too reinstated sertraline after being off 8 months. Went into acute withdrawal after intensive sun exposure early summer. Didn’t know what was wrong with me as I’d never heard of withdrawal syndrome. Five doctors missed it testing for everything 

 

im on 25 mg now. Nine weeks in and still very sick. Not sure reinstating is helping. In PAWS. Pain. 
 

Do you know Angie Peacock???  Her channel on YouTube has been very helpful. I have coaching appointment with her next week

 

i believe from what I’ve read your sexual function will come back. Now we can micro taper down from 25mg after we stabilize. 
 

Sending huge emotional support energy

maggie

[inneraura]

I apologize I’m just learning this site and navigating. I need to update drug signature also. I kindled. 
currently at 25mg sertraline. Still experiencing side effects from reinstatement but nine weeks in and beginning to see a little improvement 

 

[Altostrata]

Hello, @inneraura, how are you doing?

[inneraura]

Hello @Altostrata

 

Every day and night and minute is a struggle. 
I reinstated way to high, I’m probably still too high at 25mg. Because I’m in full withdrawal hell I can’t tell side effects from withdrawal. 
 

im still learning navigation on this site. I haven’t kept accurate record of drug dates etc. This entire world is new to me and I’m trying to learn with a very injured body and brain. 
 

my sleep is destroyed. Internal akathesia, terror, splitting headache, nerve burning 🔥 hellfire, black thoughts and hell realm, teeth grinding, dry eyes and can’t focus, tremors, pain everywhere, no appetite, lost 20 pounds in two months etc. My father and boyfriend babysit me. I have DP/DR etc. 
but I am a little better than a month ago. 
 

I have an appointment with Angie Peacock next week. Great interview with you. 
I’m learning as fast as I’m able. We’re studying receptors and entheogens, 

im a wrecked broken human right now. And ‘Pharma’ still denies. 
 

I never had any of this before, it’s certainly not relapse. I don’t want to be like this for years……

 

Thank you for your work. If I heal I want to be more involved in this work. I’m educating doctors now. Cognitive dissonance is unbelievable. They weren’t taught it in school so it can’t be so. Wow. But folks are beautiful question vaccines, so maybe antidepressants will finally be exposed 

[Altostrata]

How do you feel before and after you take your dose of sertraline?

 

Are you taking any other drugs?

[inneraura]

I have side effects from the 25mg sertraline reinstatement 

I’m not sure reinstatement is helping at all. 

 

excessive yawning

sweats

weird flatulence 

chemical soap taste in mouth

dry mouth

dry eyes

etc

 

i also have tons of withdrawal symptoms. 
Hell insomnia. Terrible cortisol spikes

hell realm black DP/DR

extreme nerve burning and electrical pain 

terror and dread attacks

hot poker through brain migraines 

tremors

muscle twitching 

blurry vision 

vertigo

brain on fire pressure in head

ringing ears

random intense pain in body

inability to eat. 
extrame suicidal thoughts. Not because I want to die but how long can I live like this???
 

the evening I usually get a little letting up and eat. 
 

I only found out about withdrawal syndrome July 7. Up till then I thought I was dying from some rare autoimmune etc. Five doctors totally missed it. 
 

this is not relapse. Never had any of these symptoms. And most of us have some or all during withdrawal. 
 

I feel like I went into acute withdrawal after excessive sun exposure perhaps triggered it?   I had been off sertraline 7 or 8 months. I’m a mess. 
 

I’m not polydrugged. I have no doctor that understands this though they keep renewing my Sertraline prescription . 
 

i am getting a small amount of toxic sleep. 3-4 hours a night broken up

 

could be reinstatement but I’m really suffering 

 

I do t keep good records of my symptoms etc. 
 

im learning this world as fast as I can. I’d really love a healing buddy that’s got off SSRI after decades of on off on off. I e really complicated my situation. Waiting and praying to stabilize 

 

 

 

 

 

[Altostrata]

What symptoms do you have before you take your sertraline dose? What symptoms do you get after you take your sertraline dose?

[inneraura]

I have excessive yawning, before and after. Dry mouth and eyes at night.  Sweats before and after. I can’t tell drug reactions from withdrawal.  I truly think I reinstated too high and reduced to 25mg fast, which I think is still too high but I’m so unstable and shaky I just need to stabilize somewhere. 
 

I want to cut to 12.5 and stabilize. But scared it will put me back in acute dark hell realm. I’m finally getting through the acute suicide state. Been fighting for my life. 
 

I hate being of this drug so much, but can’t take another three months of hell realm

 

[Altostrata]

Please keep daily notes of times o’clock you take your drugs, their dosages, and your symptoms throughout the day. We need to know how you feel before and after taking each drug, and any significant symptoms in between. Post 24 hours of notes at a time in this topic, in a simple list format with time o’clock on the left and notation (symptom or drug and dosage) on the right. 

[inneraura]

I too have gone off and on sertraline numerous times. I have no medical support. Currently on 22.5 mg sert, having some side effects from it, but I have not stabilized anywhere yet. I’m not on other meds.

I want off this drug asap but am now realizing it could take a year or more to taper properly. And it’s still risky

 

SSRIs trigger the Kappa opioid receptors. Dysphoria Hell Realm is what many of us experience. 
 

https://sites.tufts.edu/opioidpeptides/pathways-and-receptors/kappa-receptors/#comment-1242
 

insomnia and KOR

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5288841/

 Kappa Opioid Receptors Reduce Serotonin Uptake and Escitalopram Efficacy in the Mouse Substantia Nigra Pars Reticulata

https://www.mdpi.com/1422-0067/24/3/2080
 

This may be why we can’t get off

 

jimsom weed, henbane, devils snare, etc also create dysphoria through KOR. These herbs can literally make you homicidal/suicidal. Just like coming off psych meds 

 

 

[DancingBee]

Hello @inneraura

 

I came across your thread and wanted to send you some love. I am so sorry you're going through all this hell, you poor dear. Hang in there. With time you will figure out the dose you need to stabilize and can then stay there until your nervous system settles some.

 

FWIW, I've been reading the book "The Mindful Way Through Depression" by Mark Willams, John Teasdale & 2 others. The  practices and suggestions in it are good for any issue, not just depression. Even though I already have a lot of mindfulness training, I'm finding the book helpful and calming. Perhaps you might finding it useful, if not now, later when your symptoms have subsided some.

 

Big hugs,

Dancing Bee