martinik: I was helping my mom to deal with her anxiety and drugs for years, ignored my own anxiety until it blew up on me

[martinik]

Hi, I'm a 43 years old guy. I don't want to start using drugs but don't see other options yet, so trying to find the lesser of evils.

 

Here's my complicated history. It will be a long story.

 

I've been having numerous health issues since childhood - impaired vision, delayed body development, and during my teenage years I also got a small hiatal hernia which led to GERD (heartburn) symptoms. I was bullied during my school years for being short, skinny, and near-sighted.

 

My parents tried to be supportive, but they often fought because my father had an alcohol addiction. In general, my parents were rarely available, always busy at work or on their small home farm.

 

During my puberty years, I discovered I have issues with my sexual orientation. Romantically, I fell in love with girls only, but sexually I felt little attraction altogether and only toward very old men. So, I even could not count myself as gay because there was no way for me to ever build a successful relationship with someone who was at least 20 years older than me - different eras, different interests, and no romantic attraction at all. So, for all points and purposes, I labeled myself gray-asexual and just lived with it.

 

I think I have anxiety in my genes. One of my vision issues is nystagmus, which points to issues in the eye nerves. When I get stressed out or excited, my nystagmus gets much more intense. My granny was very emotionally sensitive and used her Tazepam pills almost every day. That seemed to help her to have an active life and she didn't need any other drugs.

 

My mom got her anxiety-caused autonomic dysfunction symptoms (shaking, feeling pressure around her stomach) when she retired at 65. She's 80 now and she's been on different kinds of medications for 15 years now. Unfortunately, we were poor and lived in a rural area and there was only one psychiatrist available. The doctor treated my mom as a "guinea pig" trying different ADs and antipsychotics for a year or so and when they stopped working, just switched her to new ones without proper tapering. Somehow my mom managed to handle it well, but now she's confused, asking her doctor for new medicines almost every two months because nothing seems to help. I've seen her at her worst days when she has to literally crawl on the floor from anxiety. It's so depressing to watch this and be unable to help. 

 

Despite all of my health and anxiety issues, I managed to deal with my life until now. I'm an introverted person anyway, preferring books and calm places, so having different kinds of anxieties was kinda manageable. I got my master's degree and have been working as a programmer for 15 years.

I went through countless times when I could not eat for hours because my stomach felt shaky. I had countless sleepless nights ruminating on my past mistakes that could not be fixed, carefully planning the next day for everything that could go wrong. I had sweaty and shaky hands and a fast heartbeat in every even slightly stressful situation. My heartbeat seems to never get lower than 80, even when I think I'm calm. I overthink and overdramatize. I'm oversensitive to loud noises and can be scared easily. My imagination is a gift and a torture - it helps me invent creative solutions to work tasks but it also draws dreadful scenarios of the future.

 

When I got my job, I stayed with my parents. They were elderly retired people and somebody had to take care of them, especially since my mom needed support during periods when her drugs did not work well. My elder brother and elder sister had their own families, so who else then should take care of the parents if not the son who does not have his own life anyway. And so I did. My job helped me to accumulate some savings and we moved to another town where my father's alcohol addiction stopped because he did not have "friends with bottles" anymore. Everything felt fine.

 

However, living together with elderly people and with my sick mom affected me in bad ways. Over the years, I became emotionally oversensitive. I might cry when watching a bitter-sweet scene in a movie. I often felt a knot in my throat as if I'm about to cry for all the good memories of the rare nice moments I had with my parents. I got emotionally very attached to my mom. As my psychotherapist says, I have an anxious attachment style because of my general anxiety and childhood experiences. So, the future started seeming gloomy and desperate - my parents will die and I will be alone, I will lose the most precious single relationship I have. But I somehow managed to push it all aside.

 

A few years ago I even found a nice lady who accepted me and admitted she wanted deep emotional relations only and could continue living without sex, as she's been living almost all of her life. Unfortunately, she lives in another city but we had some dates and trips together and started working on our relationship. We are completely open to each other and have a deep connection, more than I've ever had with anyone, except my mom.

 

It all blew up in May.

 

Me and my parents all got sick almost simultaneously with some kind of strange flu virus. The temperatures immediately reached 39 C and then dropped to normal in three days. Other symptoms were very mild, with a bit of cough, and a bit of stuffy nose. However, my mom suddenly started having serious memory issues. Her drug regimen went haywire and she started also having serious anxiety attacks when she had to crawl on the floor again to feel some relief. We were not sure anymore which symptoms are from drug withdrawal and which are something entirely else. With my brother's help, we got her to a psychiatric hospital.

 

June was a nightmare for me. My anxiety skyrocketed to levels that I could not manage anymore. I could not eat for days. I had hot and cold rushes down my spine. My head often felt stuffed and my legs heavy. I could not concentrate on my work, I could not relax when taking a walk, and I constantly felt this dreadful sense of being completely alone in a cold and careless world.

 

I started psychotherapy. We went through all of my issues, and she told me I have GAD. It will take years to deal with all the issues I've been ignoring. I need to be strong for my parents right now because nobody else will take care of them.

 

My mom got some treatment and returned home. Her memory is much better now and she also is starting her new antidepressant regimen, which is helping a bit. At least, no crawling on the floor and no crying. She can even take a walk outside some days together with me.

 

But I continue feeling like a scared lost child. I feel my stomach shaky even when I myself think I'm calm. Somehow it gets better in the afternoon and I can eat more then. When I wake up the anxiety is back very soon and I cannot eat anything at lunch because I feel I'm going to throw up.

 

After having two episodes of intense shaking and crying I visited a psychiatrist. He prescribed me Betamaks (sulpiride) in the morning and Kventiax (quetiapine) in the evening. Kventiax helps me to fall asleep sooner without those useless ruminations. Betamaks seemed to help to level out my emotions and also help with my stomach.

 

However, after a month of this minor treatment, I still had a few episodes of intense shaking, crying, and being unable to eat for a few days. I tried the techniques suggested by my psychotherapist, but they did not work yet, I have to get used to them. Also, the anxiety attacks seem to somehow build up in the background. I sit at my computer working, then my working day is over, and suddenly it all comes down as an avalanche of emotions and I feel I'm anxious and scared and in a world-ending dread.

 

This week I'll visit my psychiatrist again. I'm not even sure what to ask and what to expect, seeing how people struggle to get off of drugs later on. I hope there will be something mild that would get my anxiety down to the level I had before, which still is not normal, when compared to healthy people, but at least it's familiar and manageable. And I'm not even sure how to help my mom anymore. After going through countless ADs and antipsychotics through these years, she might have her brain messed up seriously and have multiple withdrawal symptoms at once. The doctor just shrugs and prescribes whatever mom thinks (after calling her friends who are on similar drugs) she would like to try next.

 

Thank you for reading this sad story.

Edited August 10, 2023 by manymoretodays
name to title

[Altostrata]

Welcome, @martinik

 

This site offers peer support for tapering psychiatric drugs and withdrawal syndrome. Do you have a question about going off your drugs?

[martinik]

I think I'm here mostly to understand better the struggle my mom is going through while she's continuing to possibly suffer from multiple withdrawals in a row, trying to find "the best drug" that would relieve her initial anxiety symptoms.  I hope I'll be able to help her to become more patient and have a "clean period" between drugs just to check if the symptoms are not caused by the drugs.

 

Also, this site motivates me to stay away from drugs as long as possible. Last week my doctor prescribed me alprazolam in small doses to use only in emergency cases, so I hope I'll be able to live with that one for some time without getting any antidepressants.

[Altostrata]

It's very difficult for us to discuss a third party who's not a member of the site.

 

We cannot diagnose or prescribe and cannot recommend any drugs to relieve initial anxiety symptoms. 

 

Many people find fish oil and magnesium supplements helpful, see

 

https://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/36-king-of-supplements-omega-3-fatty-acids-fish-oil/

 

https://survivingantidepressants.org/topic/15483-magnesium-natures-calcium-channel-blocker/

 

You and your mother might try a little bit of one at a time to see the effect. Please let us know how you’re doing.

 

You're welcome to look around the site or start a topic in the Relationships forum about your worries for your mother.