KoiGaya: Doctor had me tapering off escitalopram by 50%...

[KoiGaya]

Hello SA!

I'm KoiGaya, living in France, where medical coverage is fantastic but doctors really don't know as much about ADs and tapering off of them.

 

Following suicidal thoughts in 2021 due to extreme loneliness + CPTSD, I started taking escitalopram 5mg, which was then bumped to 10mg in September. I saw my psychiatrist only 4 times a year due to her belonging to the public system where it's hard to get appointments.

 

After 2 years, I felt stable and ready enough to start tapering, but lo and behold I didn't know that a 50% taper was going to affect me so badly. When I went from 10mg to 5mg, I knew there was going to be side effects : first 2 weeks got the cocktail of drowsiness, brain zaps, vertigo, lightheadness, and of course feeling sad and depressed.

 

It's been 30 days now since I started this 5mg, and my numbness, depression, anxiety are quite high. Became quite sensitive to sounds, and I can't handle social settings with as much energy as before. My appetite also reduced greatly.

 

I don't know what to do except accept what's going on, but while I'm less isolated than when I started my Escitalopram journey, I am still quite lonely, and I don't have much support available (am seeing a therapist, but she went on holidays for the whole month of July and beginning of August)

 

Currently, all I can do is acceptance and this post here helped me a bit.

 

[KoiGaya]

I've talked about my withdrawal symptoms to a friend who's been through their own tapering journey, and they tell me I should try being reinstated. I don't know if I can or even should do so, and I'd just rather weather the storm (the worse symptom so far is really this lack of energy and focus that kills me at work) than trying to play with dosage again.

[Altostrata]

Welcome, @KoiGaya

 

You've been taking 5mg since June? How has your symptom pattern changed in the last month?

 

Did you tell your psychiatrist that you got withdrawal symptoms?

 

You might find you do better with a bit more escitalopram, such as 6mg. This topic explains how to take a customized dosage Tips for tapering off escitalopram (Lexapro)

[KoiGaya]

Thank you @Altostrata !

I realized I was mistaken, I've been on 5mg since July 16th, a bit more than 30 days. I've changed my signature accordingly.

 

Re: symptoms

The first three weeks were hellish and a lot of the symptoms were intense : I had a high level of irritability, brain zaps, low energy, yawning a lot, needing 2-3 naps a day to get through the day, as well as suicidal and homicidal ideation. I could barely recognize myself and I was swept up in a hurricane where I couldn't put distance between myself and these thoughts/symptoms. 

 

A new symptom that I've never had was an hypersensibility to sound, noise, and other people's energy. I've always been an extrovert, a party person, but now the idea of going to places filled to the brim with people (except if there will be music, I'm an amateur dancer) just talking and drinking makes me extremely tired. One of my roommates threw a party last Saturday and I had to leave exceptionally early because I simply did not have the energy for it, despite the usual can of RedBull that does it for me.

 

Last week, I had very intense suicidal ideation, and ever since I found SA, I feel quite better. Knowing that I'm not the only one, that I'm not a lost cause, that I can overcome this through acceptance has been quite a positive revelation for me. The strongest and hardest symptom to deal with is the limited levels of energy that I have, but again. Acceptance is the key.

 

Re: psychiatrist

I haven't told my psychiatrist yet - I have yet to send her an email - as our next appointment, which was scheduled to be in a month, got pushed to November (public hospital system yay!), and private psychiatrists are quite expensive in Paris.

 

Re: tapering

Do you think going up in 1mg from what I'm currently taking would help? I would have to find liquid escitalopram, and most importantly, a doctor who would agree to prescribe it to me.

[KoiGaya]

I'll be Journaling here quite often.

 

I'm really thinking of taking my escitalopram 5mg tablets in the evening. They really strongly affect my energy levels and they hit the hardest 30mn - 1h after taking them.

[Altostrata]

18 hours ago, KoiGaya said:

The first three weeks were hellish and a lot of the symptoms were intense

 

These were symptoms after you reduced to 5mg?

 

13 hours ago, KoiGaya said:

I'm really thinking of taking my escitalopram 5mg tablets in the evening. They really strongly affect my energy levels and they hit the hardest 30mn - 1h after taking them.

 

What effects do you feel from the drug 30 minutes-1 hour after your dose?

 

18 hours ago, KoiGaya said:

Do you think going up in 1mg from what I'm currently taking would help?

 

Probably. Have your withdrawal symptoms been getting better or worse over the month?

[KoiGaya]

On 8/20/2023 at 8:19 AM, Altostrata said:

 

These were symptoms after you reduced to 5mg?

 

Yes, they didn't happen before my reduction.

 

On 8/20/2023 at 8:19 AM, Altostrata said:

What effects do you feel from the drug 30 minutes-1 hour after your dose?

 

I tend to feel drowsy, like I can't keep my eyes closed and need to go to sleep. It has gotten better however, and I'm considering trying to take my 5mg dose earlier in the day.

 

On 8/20/2023 at 8:19 AM, Altostrata said:

Probably. Have your withdrawal symptoms been getting better or worse over the month?

 

The physical ones (brain zaps, irritability) have gotten better over the month. I feel more in control of my emotions and my mind. But I still have brain fog and an inability to focus that makes me deeply depressed and pessimistic for the future. Everything feels difficult, and it's hard to plan for my day, especially as I live alone (with roommates, but still) without family nearby.

[KoiGaya]

It's so hard, and I feel like I made the biggest mistake of my entire life by deciding to reduce my antidepressants. I know it's depression talking, but I have no idea why stupid me took this decision. I mean, I felt good and I felt I had enough CBT-acquired skills to face obstacles in life, which is why I decided to stop taking meds.

 

All of this suffering feels like it's entirely my fault.

[Catina7]

Hello @KoiGaya and welcome to SA!  Please don't blame yourself.  You've already had improvements, and with a little tweaking I'm sure you'll get to feeling even better given some time.  

 

Here's some info that might help:

 

Shame, guilt, regret, and self-criticism

 

Warmly,

Catina ❤️

[modelarz71]

Glad your stomach is fine. I guess mine is broken by escitalopram

Escitalopram was tricky for me,

I stopped in December after six months  and only after covid in April  became WD. 

 

[Altostrata]

On 8/19/2023 at 9:44 AM, KoiGaya said:

I'm really thinking of taking my escitalopram 5mg tablets in the evening. They really strongly affect my energy levels and they hit the hardest 30mn - 1h after taking them.

 

This is a good idea, if escitalopram makes you tired or sleepy. Suggest you move them by an hour each day until you're taking them after dinner.

[KoiGaya]

20 hours ago, Catina7 said:

Hello @KoiGaya and welcome to SA!  Please don't blame yourself.  You've already had improvements, and with a little tweaking I'm sure you'll get to feeling even better given some time.  

 

Here's some info that might help:

 

Shame, guilt, regret, and self-criticism

 

Warmly,

Catina ❤️

 

Thank you Catina for your kind message, it helps so much. 🥰

 

12 hours ago, Altostrata said:

 

This is a good idea, if escitalopram makes you tired or sleepy. Suggest you move them by an hour each day until you're taking them after dinner.

 

Funnily enough, taking my escitalopram too close to bed makes my sleep terrible (lots of bruxism and waking up often at night) so I'm trying to find the right, perfect time to take it. Some time around midday or 2pm-3pm.

[Catina7]

41 minutes ago, KoiGaya said:

Thank you Catina for your kind message, it helps so much. 🥰

 

You're welcome!  I'm glad that you found it helpful. 

 

Feel free to browse the site and use the search bar at the top.  There's so much helpful information that I KNOW will help get you through this!

 

Your suffering is only temporary and will not last forever.  Hang in there, you've got this!   

[littlebird]

On 8/19/2023 at 4:51 AM, KoiGaya said:

A new symptom that I've never had was an hypersensibility to sound, noise, and other people's energy.

This is so real, the world feels more intense since tapering. In good ways too, I'm enjoying music more and finding more beauty in things. Have you found any positives? It can just be so intense at first.

 

On 8/19/2023 at 4:51 AM, KoiGaya said:

Knowing that I'm not the only one, that I'm not a lost cause, that I can overcome this through acceptance has been quite a positive revelation for me. The strongest and hardest symptom to deal with is the limited levels of energy that I have, but again. Acceptance is the key.

So glad you're feeling better, it helps so much to know we're not alone in this and that there's hope. 

 

22 hours ago, KoiGaya said:

I mean, I felt good and I felt I had enough CBT-acquired skills to face obstacles in life, which is why I decided to stop taking meds.

 

All of this suffering feels like it's entirely my fault.

Been there, it's such a hard feeling. This tapering hell won't last forever, your body is adjusting as we speak (it just takes so long that it's hard to notice). Hoping you feel better very soon! Have you found that the skills are helping through this, or do you need some more support for a little while?

 

On 8/19/2023 at 9:44 AM, KoiGaya said:

I'll be Journaling here quite often.

Good, I hope you do! It helps to talk about this stuff with people who get it. 

[KoiGaya]

Today, I decided to take my antidepressant around 12pm (it is currently 12:30pm in Paris). Will see how that goes.

I've been crying all day - I've been MIA from my office work since Friday, left Paris to spend some time with a friend during the weekend and only returned on Tuesday because something that the WD has made unbearable is how I feel meaningless in front of my job. I've started applying to other jobs, too, but the inability to take decisions with a clear mind makes it all so hard.

 

 

11 minutes ago, littlebird said:

Have you found that the skills are helping through this, or do you need some more support for a little while?

 

My usual techniques (journaling, cardiac coherence breathing) usually help, but today they've only helped up to 10% of my perceived suffering.

And focusing on work feels almost impossible, it's like my brain is drifting in a sea of pain, victimhood and I'm swimming desperately trying to reach the shore.

[littlebird]

4 minutes ago, KoiGaya said:

And focusing on work feels almost impossible, it's like my brain is drifting in a sea of pain, victimhood and I'm swimming desperately trying to reach the shore.

I so know how this feels. 😭 It's like tapering unlocks years and years of memories and feelings that were frozen, and it feels like a flood at times. It won't last! Every storm runs out of rain. Just hold on tight as you can as you ride out the storm, and take care of yourself as much as possible. Also if you haven't had a treat lately, you deserve a nice treat.

[KoiGaya]

On 8/29/2023 at 12:40 PM, littlebird said:

Also if you haven't had a treat lately, you deserve a nice treat.

 

Thank you. I have had too many last weekend when I went on a trip with a childhood friend that I see once a year and splurged way over what I was accounting for. My week was messy because of intense PMS/PMDD...

 

Jesus, not being hard on myself is so DIFFICULT 😭

 

I swear, I dropped so many routines because of laziness, lack of energy the past month, and a part of me wants to insult the **** out of me. The other wants to stop the one insulting me.

 

The good news is, I don't get the drowsiness/sleepiness right after taking my 5mg tablet anymore!

 

[KoiGaya]

It's 2:29am right now. I only took my 5mg tablet an hour ago due to forgetfulness, and I know it'll cause bruxism during the night... I'm just full of anxiety, and it feels like all of my wounds are opening all at the same time. I'm scared I'll never be happy or at peace ever again.

[KoiGaya]

After the maelstrom of anxiety comes peace - this one was triggered by some financial instability that I look forward to solving soon!

 

The drop in energy right after taking my 5mg pill is gone, and I'm now feeling a bit more stable every day. 

[KoiGaya]

PMS is still incredibly bad and anxiety-ridden, but that happened a lot, even before I started taking ADs.

This was a bumpy ride in terms of tapering, for sure (August was probably one of the hardest months of my entire life, mentally wise) but here we are, doing much better. Not planning on tapering down before another 9 months to a year, anyways.

[KoiGaya]

I'm exhausted, and it's been difficult dealing with rejection sensitivity. My therapist canceled one of our 2 monthly sessions on Friday literally 2 hours before said appointment, my friends canceled last minute today when I was really needing to see someone.

 

As a result, I had a really bad anxiety crisis that lasted 30mn, and I still feel the weight of it. I'm so scared that I'm going to die alone and unloved. I suppose SA isn't the right place to discuss about this, but I have nowhere else to be?

[KoiGaya]

Happy new year! Here's a quick update.

 

I'm feeling better, although the recent death of a friend had/is still having quite the impact on my mental health. It's the first time I'm experiencing grief like that, but I have faith that I will get through this.

 

I have no plan on reducing from the 5mg for another 6 months. In 6 months, 5mg being the smallest dosage in tablets available in France, I'll have to switch to liquid escitalopram.