Steppenwolf: The journey through CT hell (and back?)

[Steppenwolf]

Hello everyone, Steppenwolf here.

 

I'm going to start by saying: do not do what I did. I CT my last combination of 6(!) medications on 8 April 2023. I would never ever recommend that. I was rash and tired of taking medications that barely worked and seemed to have warped my personality by numbing everything, I wanted out quick and disregarded the repeated warnings on this site not to CT. I thought: 'the medications aren't working, i'm not doing good, why not just rip the band-aid off?' Bad idea. The first few weeks were rough—I think I fell ill during the period (on hindsight I'm not sure if the illness was just withdrawals or an illness or both)—hypnic jerks, dizziness, insomnia, brain zaps, and it felt like I had a bad flu (the sort you spend days in bed too weak to do much). I also had some hair loss, funnily enough, my hair loss post CT is less than what it was during meds, but my hair has become thinner, patchier on my beard and sideburns, and it grows slower and the texture is off. I guess my hair growth could keep up with the hair loss then, but since hair growth has slowed. It was unbearable, I was sleeping an hour or two a day max, had no energy to do anything at all, and I felt like I was constantly ill for an entire month or so and felt really spaced out, and the insomnia (oh boy) I went from sleeping 9–12 hours a day to sleeping an hour or two a day on a good day. And I slammed down so much magnesium glycinate to try to get some sleep but it didn't really help then. 

 

I've been lurking here for a few months on and off. I found out about this site in 2022, as I wanted to go off my medications. A member of my psychiatric care team recommended it to me for peer support (ha!). I went off some medications on a Fast Taper (I think I went off all my medications in a month, I'm sorry but I don't quite remember what I was on then. I think Fluoxetine, Deanxit (Melitracen+Flupentixol), Valproate and Bupropion). I re-instated at the next appointment with my psychiatrist.

 

My psychiatric journey started in 2016, I dropped out of school due to a panic attack. I already was quite melancholy in 2015, I spent most of my days in school just keeping to myself and wandering about, and didn't do work. I think I was having an existential crisis or something. The sort of thing that focuses you to put aside all else until you deal with it. When the panic attack hit, I knew I couldn't carry on this way. Plus I had to repeat 2015 again in 2016 as my grades were terrible. So I left.

 

I needed help. I saw a psychiatrist, he gave me a questionnaire to do as I was really withdrawn and quite depressed—I barely talked and when I did it was one, two word answers. He told me I was profoundly depressed and insisted on an antidepressant. Venlafaxine 75 mg every other day. Turbulent few years, 3 major hospitalisations and a couple of minor ones. About 16 sessions of ECT. During the second major hospitalisation (I was diagnosed with bipolar II) and put on valproate and olanzapine. I gained about 35 kgs (77 lbs) on it. Tried a long list of medication: Venlafaxine, Bupropion, Mirtazapine, Atomoxetine, Methylphenidate, Sodium Valproate, Sertraline, Quetiapine and probably a few others I don't remember. They were all abruptly switched or CTed. I tried therapy, but my therapist said that I couldn't access my emotions. It felt like I was going in circles and not going anywhere.

 

Rebuilding from Ground Zero

 

It has been 178 days since my CT. Thankfully a lot of the physical symptoms have gone away. My main issues right now are lethargy, brainfog, cognitive dsyfunction, depression, neuro-emotions, anhedonia, emotional anaesthesia, and the occasional suicidality. Sleep is better nowadays, 6-7 hours, but it's not very refreshing. And I seem to have stopped dreaming as much as pre-CT. I've been walking 20 minutes a day, sitting under the sun in the morning, and I've recently worked up to 10 minutes of meditation a day (not much but it's a start). I guess my goals right now are to go back to school or work, I tried going back to school numerous times during those years, but anxiety and school stress overwhelmed me repeatedly. I tried applying for jobs but interviews scare me and I'm not quite sure I can hold a job (I've never held one). It's going to be much harder for me to build up then for folks who had jobs, studies, relationships and whatnot before they were de-railed by the medications. They have something to go back to, I don't. That's why I called this section Ground Zero. I think a large part of my distress/pain comes from the fact that everyone is ahead and going forward, but I seem to be stuck in a limbo for 7 years. I'm 25. I've spent the last 7 years this way. It's also really painful to look back at these 7 years and even before and realise that I've not done anything at all, all those experiences and things others experienced. I have not had that. I hope that years from now, I can look back at this period of my life and thank myself for trying my best to survive and put one foot in front of the other and that this period was necessary for me to become who I am. It's going to be a long, painful and slow ride—I'm probably going to have a really protracted withdrawal. But I hope that future me lives a life I have always dreamt of and wanted.

[Steppenwolf]

I’m a little worried of developing ‘positive symptoms’ like auditory/visual hallucinations. Flupentixol is a typical antipsychotic, granted, it was a ‘low dose’, but seeing as I’ve been on it for a while with one or two discontinuations before the CT, plus the fact that bupropion was in the mix, it might have messed with my dopaminergic system too much (what’s it called? dopaminergic supersensitivity?) in any case, does anyone have methods to cope with them if they do occur?

[Altostrata]

Welcome, @Steppenwolf

 

On 10/3/2023 at 6:12 AM, Steppenwolf said:

It has been 178 days since my CT. Thankfully a lot of the physical symptoms have gone away. My main issues right now are lethargy, brainfog, cognitive dsyfunction, depression, neuro-emotions, anhedonia, emotional anaesthesia, and the occasional suicidality. Sleep is better nowadays, 6-7 hours, but it's not very refreshing. And I seem to have stopped dreaming as much as pre-CT. I've been walking 20 minutes a day, sitting under the sun in the morning, and I've recently worked up to 10 minutes of meditation a day (not much but it's a start).

 

The symptoms you've described would be typical of protracted withdrawal syndrome, we can't tell from which drug. 

 

It's good that you can sleep. Please be careful not to stress your nervous system now, it's vulnerable from withdrawal.

 

How has your symptom pattern changed in the last month?

 

19 hours ago, Steppenwolf said:

I’m a little worried of developing ‘positive symptoms’ like auditory/visual hallucinations.

 

Why are you worried about this? Have you had such symptoms before?

[Steppenwolf]

Hello! Thank you for approving my post.

 

9 hours ago, Altostrata said:

The symptoms you've described would be typical of protracted withdrawal syndrome, we can't tell from which drug. 

 

Hmmm, guess all I can do is hang on for the ride and do whatever I can to support my body to heal.

 

9 hours ago, Altostrata said:

It's good that you can sleep. Please be careful not to stress your nervous system now, it's vulnerable from withdrawal.

 

Thank you for the advice not to stress my nervous system, it's hard to keep it in mind as it feels as if I'm not 'doing enough'. But I guess doing nothing is often the most proactive thing you can do in recovery. I have plans to start going back to the gym, but I think I'll put it on hold for a few months. How do you know if you're ready to start being more physically active?

 

9 hours ago, Altostrata said:

How has your symptom pattern changed in the last month?

 

Arrghhh, my memory is not good. But I'll give it a shot. There hasn't been much change, I can function on a day to day basis, but as I'm unemployed it's not much. Though even short (3–4 hours) outings with friends make me feel as if I've been out the whole day. Cognitively still rather sluggish, it takes me a while to process what others say and even longer to formulate a cogent response. Reading is quite bad, 20 minutes of reading and I'm so sleepy my eyelids are closing. But I've always had an issue with reading so it might not be representative. I used to watch more movies/shows a few weeks back but I seem to have lost most of my interest in it. I'm thinking of doing it again as it helps pass the time. I'm also thinking of learning to draw so it helps occupy my time. One major issue is I would get intense emotional pain randomly, I'll be doing something or wondering about something, and if the thought moves to my situation (withdrawal, unemployment, loneliness) it'll really hurt emotionally, it feels as if my heart, my head and my chest gets really tight and heavy like a blackhole of pain. But thankfully it usually only lasts about 1530 minutes maximum. I keep a narrative journal where I write whatever comes into my head daily, sometimes I write about my symptoms but I haven't really been tracking my symptom patterns, have you any advice how I might track it more systematically?

 

9 hours ago, Altostrata said:

Why are you worried about this? Have you had such symptoms before?

 

No, I've never had such symptoms before. I guess a part of my worry is that in the psychiatric model, psychosis is seen as a death sentence and that's one reason why I'm worried. Another is that I'm worried if I ever have contact with mental health services again, any possible psychosis makes it really easy for them to hospitalise me. It's very dehumanising to be in a psychiatric institution not to mention the drugging you have to consent to before they will discharge you. I actually want to see my therapist again, but it's the psychiatric department of a public hospital—I can't afford private clinics.

[Altostrata]

At this point, it's unlikely you would spontaneously develop psychosis.

 

It sounds like you have difficulty concentrating, which is typical of protracted withdrawal. What are you doing for exercise?

[Steppenwolf]

That’s good to know. 

 

My difficulties with concentration was already a thing while on psychotropics.

 

I’m walking 20 mins a day in the morning. I’m thinking of increasing it to 30 minutes or adding a shorter 10 min walk later in the day. 

[Altostrata]

Good idea. Gentle exercise will help your system fix itself and build up your stamina.

[Steppenwolf]

A little update of the past week

 

Sleep was quite poor, averaged about 5–6 hours of sleep a day. Unrestful sleeps without any vivid dreams. I normally wake up at about 4–5 am and be unable to go back to sleep, yet I'll be too tired to get out of bed, so I'll just spend it half awake half asleep until about 6–7 am. But I guess part of the reason is that I quite frequently take naps in the afternoon, I set an alarm for 30 minutes and end up waking an hour or two or three later. I'll try cutting my naps down to 20 minutes – 1 hour max and try to ensure I get up before 3–4pm. Though, I had a very good nap today, it was much too long but it's quite a good sign. I had a really vivid dream that was very distinct, and I woke up 3 hours later without much fatigue. It's nice to know that my body is capable of deep rest.

 

The deep emotional pain I would get daily is much lesser nowadays, I used to get it 2–3 times a day, but nowadays it doesn't even happen daily anymore. I guess my consistency with the inositol is really paying off. I was taking inositol off and on, but now that I take it more consistently, it seems to have made a difference.

 

The emotional anaesthesia is a 6–7/10. I have a little emotional response but not much. It's annoying. Brainfog is 6 out of 10, really foggy and I'm not really processing anything. I haven't been able to work up the interest or the ability to read, I've been spending much less time reading this forum much less books. I made a goal to read 20 minutes a day but it's on hold for now. When I talk to friends and people, it feels as if I'm not really there. I hear what they say but I'm just not processing or even really responding to it. Quite lethargic nowadays but it doesn't affect me too much as I'm not too physically active and am largely sedentary. Mood's a 4/10. I'm not in pain or crisis, but I just don't feel much if not any positive emotions.

 

I started having weird neuropathic pain after trying to stretch my hips a few days back. So I've started meditating on a chair, used to sit cross-legged on the floor. Neuropathic pain is quite scary, because it's very new to me, I'm quite young and normally it's either muscle or tendon pain but wow. Stopped meditating on the floor for now, and I've been trying to rest my back. I'll go see a doctor soon and try to get them to run some bloodwork (B1, Folate, B12 etc).

 

I've been reading a little about micronutrient deficiencies, and wow, so many of them cause neuropsychiatric symptoms. I wonder how many of those who present to a doctor with psychiatric issues simply have a micronutrient deficiency, especially since subclinical deficiency seems to cause largely neuropsychiatric symptoms without the physical/neurological symptoms typical of frank deficiencies. It's quite maddening to see psychiatrists prescribing all sorts of psychotropics without testing folks for physical issues that normally cause psychiatric-like symptoms. Imagine if doctors did their job and actually excluded physical etiologies of the symptoms first! Imagine if you go to a doctor with a complaint of worsening mood, and some vague physical symptoms, the doctor is going to diagnose you with mild depression with psychosomatic symptoms and put you on an antidepressant and maybe a sedative-hypnotic but you might just have an easily correctable micronutrient deficiency.

 

A friend recently asked me, aren't you bored of your life like this? I think from an outsider perspective, I really am not doing much, I tried telling her it's withdrawals and I got to take it easy for a while, she doesn't understand but I'm not quite bothered by it, psychotropic withdrawals isn't really known, the average doctor doesn't really believe it anyway, can't expect us ordinary folks to really know about it unless if they've seen it/been through it. I am bored of my life, but not doing much now is better than going all out and having a deep crash. I really need to work on reading more about psychiatry, diagnonsense, psychotropics, and especially about adverse effects and withdrawals so I can better articulate to those who ask what I'm going through and what I've gone through as a reason of being a psychiatric victim. I'm suffering from a poorly understood and largely dismissed condition and I haven't the energy or the cognition right now to work through the papers and research necessary to formulate a simple, cogent explanation. I think a lot of folks simply think I'm lazy/giving up. I know what I'm going through is real, but it seems as if it's only real to me and those of us who have to go through it.

[Altostrata]

Good to hear your withdrawal syndrome is fading. Typically, symptoms change into other symptoms.

 

Perhaps you might work part-time?

[Doctorsrcrap]

What was the outcome of the neuropathic pain? 

[Ariel]

Hello @Steppenwolf

Thinking of you. 

How are you doing?

Best wishes,

Ariel