AAOffZ: Coming off Sertraline

[AAOffZ]

@Ariel thank you 💓💓💓 

 

Today and yesterday I’ve gotten some familiar head/eye pressure and jumpiness and jelly feelings in my arms and legs and some restlessness/agitation. Mild but nonetheless. Wondering if a wave is coming. I’ve had 7 anxiety free days and really no symptoms during those days either. Evenings are still better also. I’m fully functional, so couldn’t be more thankful for that. But the agitation is just such a weird symptom that I hate hate hate. 
 

I really need to start eating better. Since I’ve gotten my appetite back, I haven’t been as careful about nourishing my body. 

Friday was 9 weeks on 87.5. 

[AAOffZ]

@Erimus @Ariel 
 

Well, I’m back in a wave  

 

After 7 great days. I’m feeling the neuro-fears and chemical anxiety creeping back in and some agitation. My skin was burning this morning. It’s all mild and manageable as of right now. And I can still function. I’m just kind of on edge as it is and anxious so of course, I’m afraid that it will get worse. Somehow recognizing it as just a wave does make it easier somehow? 
 

Is it a normal part of the process to have a long window and then a wave after 9 weeks at a dose? 
 

 

[Ariel]

Hi @AAOffZ

 

51 minutes ago, AAOffZ said:

Well, I’m back in a wave  

 

After 7 great days.

 

Sorry you're back in a wave, AND really happy for you that you've had 7 great days! 

That's such a good sign. Healing is happening <3 

 

No wave can take such a window away from you --

AND

the wave is as much a sign of healing as the window -- 

which I know can be hard to believe, because it challenges our perception --

nevertheless

Healing is happening all the time, whether or not we consciously perceive it.

 

53 minutes ago, AAOffZ said:

Is it a normal part of the process to have a long window and then a wave after 9 weeks at a dose? 

 

Totally normal part of the process. 

Not only is it normal, I'd venture to say that it's on the more fortunate side of things to experience such a good, long, steady window. 

Nothing to worry about, pattern-wise -- classic WD windows and waves non-linear healing. 

 

56 minutes ago, AAOffZ said:

Somehow recognizing it as just a wave does make it easier somehow? 

 

I feel the same way. Knowing/reminding myself, "Oh yeah, this is a wave," really helps me accept and let go and then just get on with things. 

You write you can still function, which is great. Do what you gotta do while still being gentle with yourself, and that will help serve to distract you as you float through the wave. You got this <3

 

17 hours ago, AAOffZ said:

I really need to start eating better. Since I’ve gotten my appetite back, I haven’t been as careful about nourishing my body. 

 

Okay cool, good that you're aware. At the same time, from your earlier posts it sounds like you've been listening to your body saying, "Feed me!" and that's important, too.

 

And you know, I find that one of the gifts of the waves (yes, you read that right) is that they do teach us to get granular, paying closer attention to what works and what doesn't. When we're feeling well/better it's easy to get more loose with things, e.g. food choices, because we've got a longer leash; I do this, too. So the advantage of the wave's shorter leash (sorry to mix metaphors) is that we can use this time to experiment and fine-tune and get really curious about how better to care for ourselves; and then we get to learn stuff and carry that learning over into future waves and windows, too. 

 

Do you have any specific ideas of where/how to proceed in regards to nutrition? Do you keep a daily/symptoms journal, incl. meals/food feedback?

Would you like input, suggestions, or hearing what others have done? You've got plenty on your plate ;-) so I don't want to overwhelm with unsolicited advice. 

 

Love to you, AA, and hang ten

 

[AAOffZ]

@Ariel had to push myself out of bed this morning because of all this chemical anxiety and neuro-fears. Twitching, shakiness.. burning skin. Much more mild than 8 weeks ago. And I got a window last night from 7pm on. I also am still sleeping well. 
 

Like I said before, I’m not panicking.. but it’s certainly hard to fight through this when I had such a long clear window. Life was back to normal… I was doing all the things, taking the kids all the places. And all the sudden everything seems overwhelming and scary. My brain just all the sudden seems sabotaged. I don’t want to get out of bed. New fears. Weird fears. Old fears returning that have been long ago conquered. 
 

I was so prepared for this wave.. or so I thought. I thought the simple fact that I was prepared for it meant it wouldn’t happen or something. But it came just the same. I didn’t change anything. Other than maybe being a bit erratic with my dose timing (going to be better at this). 

[Ariel]

Hello dear @AAOffZ

I hear you <3

Waves be wavin'

Waves be wavy!

 

7 minutes ago, AAOffZ said:

I was so prepared for this wave.. or so I thought. I thought the simple fact that I was prepared for it meant it wouldn’t happen or something. But it came just the same. I didn’t change anything. Other than maybe being a bit erratic with my dose timing (going to be better at this). 

 

The wave is not your fault. It would have come regardless. 

The waves are simply part of healing. Healing is happening!

 

It's hard to prepare for a wave. We can practice all our non-drug coping skills before, after, during -- and the waves are still tough. 

This is not your fault. Be gentle with yourself, treat yourself with the same tender loving kindness you no doubt show your kids. 

Now is the time to radically accept and forgive and care for yourself.

You're going through something difficult and you get to be your own best friend.  

 

12 minutes ago, AAOffZ said:

Much more mild than 8 weeks ago. And I got a window last night from 7pm on. I also am still sleeping well. 

 

It's great and so constructive that you're able to maintain some perspective, AA. Well done!

You acknowledge that certain symptoms are milder now, you notice and appreciate any windows, and you're sleeping well. 

These are such good signs of healing on both conscious and unconscious levels. 

 

You're doing a great job, AA, give yourself so much credit! 

Give yourself grace <3

 

I'm sorry you're in a wave, they are just never fun. 

And -- with every wave, that's one less wave you'll ever have to go through ever again. 

You're doing it, you're getting there -- healing is happening! 

 

Love to you,

Ariel

[AAOffZ]

@Ariel is it common to have symptoms change during each new wave. I have air hunger that’s coming and going. I feel weak and shakey. Swimmy in my head, speech feels weird sometimes. Tired. Burning skin.
 

Neuro fears are much better overall. Anxiety is manageable. Insane OCD is gone. Agitation is much more mild and only lasts a few minutes when it does come. Now I feel like physical symptoms are starting to show during this wave. 
 

Even though these symptoms are new as of just this past few days, I’m scared this will be my WD normal. Just looking for encouragement that this is the progression of stability. I hardly even remember my 5-6 day window now. 

[Ariel]

Hi there @AAOffZ

3 hours ago, AAOffZ said:

is it common to have symptoms change during each new wave.

 

Yes! 

Constantly morphing and oscillating in unpredictable ways, receding and returning, changing in category, intensity, timing, duration, etc. --

WD symptoms are ever in flux. 

Welcome to your Zen training, young grasshopper ;-)

(and please forgive me for mixing and butchering various cultural references there!)

 

3 hours ago, AAOffZ said:

Even though these symptoms are new as of just this past few days, I’m scared this will be my WD normal. Just looking for encouragement that this is the progression of stability. I hardly even remember my 5-6 day window now. 

 

Yes, this is the natural progression of healing and forward momentum towards stability. 

You're right on track. 

 

I know it can be so hard to remember those windows when we're in a gnarly wave. It seems impossible to hold the alternate reality in one's mind when one is in the present one (same goes the other way around). 

Just keep reminding yourself that you did have those 7 (!) excellent days, and you will have days like that again, and healing is happening. 

Healing is happening all the time, whether in window or in wave, whether or not we consciously perceive it. 

 

You're doing a great job, AA! 
Be so gentle with yourself, give yourself all the care and all the credit for your hard work getting through this. 

You can do it, you are doing it!! 

 

Big HUGS to you 

[BaccatePlayer]

Just reminding you that what you describe is very relatable to me and many others. Sometimes it makes a difference because the CNS can do so many things that we can feel completely weird or being "the most severe case". Stay strong!

[AAOffZ]

@Erimus @Ariel

 

Hi guys. Just checking in. But I also have a question….
 

Still riding this wave since beginning of this week, although it’s more up and down than all down. Still dreaming about that 5-7 day window I had. This wave is better than the last but it seems to be lasting longer…

 

I’m functioning fine on a day to day basis. But I still having symptoms and chemical anxiety, mild agitation, and random fears that come and go. Evenings are still when I feel the best. I’m not really seeing patterns at all.
 

I have not had that very intense anxiety and fear in this wave, so it is more mild than the last wave because I didn’t function well in my last wave, but Is it normal for it to be longer??? And is what I’m looking for as far as stability goes.. am I looking for how I felt in that window 10 days ago?

I had a decent day yesterday, but today I’ve had ongoing chemical-feeling anxiety, very emotional, shortness of breath/lightheaded when I thinking n about my breathing, restlessness and on and off agitation. So it’s been like 10 days since my really good window. 

 

I guess I just don’t want to miss stability, and I have a very intense fear that I’ll have to taper while feeling like this (today being bad). 
 

and what happens if I never stabilize 😩😩😩… this week is week 11 on this dose. How long do I wait before I just taper.  

[AAOffZ]

Ugh. Skin is burning, twitching, jumpy/jelly arms and legs. Anxious, nausea. Just feel awful.  Also think I woke up to a panic attack this am. 

[ScaredDad]

Stay strong! Relief is coming. This wave will end.

[Ariel]

Hi @AAOffZ

Sorry you're in this wave. 

 

13 hours ago, AAOffZ said:

I’m functioning fine on a day to day basis. But I still having symptoms and chemical anxiety, mild agitation, and random fears that come and go. Evenings are still when I feel the best. I’m not really seeing patterns at all.

 

Sounds like this could be the pattern? ;-) 

It's quite common for people to experience mornings as tougher and find that intensity abates in the evenings. 

 

Also, you don't have to be aware of a pattern for healing to take place. 

Healing is happening all the time, whether or not we consciously perceive it, and whether or not we even believe it!

 

13 hours ago, AAOffZ said:

I have not had that very intense anxiety and fear in this wave, so it is more mild than the last wave because I didn’t function well in my last wave, but Is it normal for it to be longer???

 

Yes, it's normal for these changes and fluctuations to occur. 

One thing gets milder, a new thing pops up, some other thing disappears completely, etc. 

Every wave is different. 

 

13 hours ago, AAOffZ said:

And is what I’m looking for as far as stability goes.. am I looking for how I felt in that window 10 days ago?

 

13 hours ago, AAOffZ said:

I guess I just don’t want to miss stability, and I have a very intense fear that I’ll have to taper while feeling like this (today being bad). 
 

and what happens if I never stabilize 😩😩😩… this week is week 11 on this dose. How long do I wait before I just taper.  

 

It's okay, AA, you are safe. These are wave thoughts and wave fears. 

 

Yes, you will eventually stabilize, it just takes time and patience. Your body is already in the process of stabilizing, and well on its way. 

Week 11 on the same dose is not that long in the grand scheme of things, and given the many changes preceding. 

Keep holding, it's clearly doing wonders for your system, as evidenced by the lovely long windows you've experienced. 

 

Hang in there, AA, you're doing a great job!

 

You may want to revisit this post about what stability is and isn't:

 

 

[AAOffZ]

@Ariel this anxiety is fierce. My body and brain are panicking over everything. It feels so chemical.. It feels like I’m back at square one.. I’m pretty much couch bound today. I somehow slept pretty well last night. But I’m just really struggling and need to vent. This process is so up and down. And right when I think a symptom is gone forever, it comes back. Sorry for posting again. 

[Takingitslow]

@AAOffZ I hope today it was a little better. I am in the same situation right now, had some longer windows, lowered my dose too much (before finding SA) and now I feel back at square 1.

 

I wish you love and hope it will be over very soon. We can do this 🤗

[Ariel]

On 6/11/2024 at 4:05 PM, AAOffZ said:

Sorry for posting again. 

 

Hi @AAOffZ

You're very welcome to post as much as you please! That's what SA is for. 

 

How are you today?

 

On 6/11/2024 at 4:05 PM, AAOffZ said:

this anxiety is fierce. My body and brain are panicking over everything. It feels so chemical..

 

I hear you. WD neuro-anxiety is no joke. It is indeed chemical and a consequence of iatrogenic injury.

 

On 6/11/2024 at 4:05 PM, AAOffZ said:

It feels like I’m back at square one..

 

I know it can feel like going backwards, but that's an illusion. In reality you're always moving forward, always spiraling up! I promise. 

Healing is happening <3

 

On 6/11/2024 at 4:05 PM, AAOffZ said:

But I’m just really struggling and need to vent. This process is so up and down.

 

Do you feel like venting helps? If so, vent away. 

 

Yes, the up and down aspect of the WD healing process can be very challenging. 

You're doing great! It's hard work and you're doing it. 

 

Holding space for your experience, sending love and healing vibes,

Ariel

 

[AAOffZ]

@Ariel today was slightly better. Thanks for responding. You are such a reassuring presence in my life. I hope you know that.

 

Afternoon is still kicking my butt and is bad as yesterday. It’s truly amazing what the brain can throw at you.
 

Had a mini window this morning for like 1-2 hours. And thanks heavens had an evening window last night from 830 on and slept really well. But my quality of life and interest in anything other than survival and caring for my kids is pretty much 0. 

 

I just am so baffled by all this. Like who was the first one to figure out that this is WD and stabilizing… i mean I guess it makes sense because when you start they drug, it’s up and down for several weeks also. 

[AAOffZ]

Once again. It’s turned off like a light switch. What on earth is this beast. Literally within 30 minutes of intense anxiety, it’s left me almost completely. This process will never cease to amaze me. @Arieldoes this happen to others? 

[AAOffZ]

@Ariel I am desperate for comfort as to why I just had the absolute WORST panic attack of my life. In the past, my panic attacks have been physical. And this one was almost entirely mental?? It woke me out of sleep at 2 am. Like I felt SHEER TERROR, fear of going crazy for 5 minutes. I felt like I was losing my mind. Then had to pace for 10 minutes after that. Are my symptoms changing again? This is so scary. Im laying here at 250 trembling in the aftermath. 

[AAOffZ]

@Ariel @Erimus ugh this anxiety is so intense. Deep chest tightness and jumpiness all over. Having to pace again while shaking from the anxiety in my body. Trying box breathing which helps a little. This wave is so so so intense. It’s crushing me. This is day 4 of this intense wave. I’m trying my best to float. But there’s so much fear of this being permanent. 
 

Shouldn’t I be stabilizing faster this? Do these intense symptoms mean I won’t stabilize? 

[Erimus]

29 minutes ago, AAOffZ said:

Shouldn’t I be stabilizing faster this? Do these intense symptoms mean I won’t stabilize?

When you are in a wave you will always think like this, it's normal. You just need to wait for it to pass again, and you will regain the rational elements of your brain. Each month that passes you will be a step closer to stability, don't measure how you feel day to day as this will fluctuate massively.

[AAOffZ]

3 hours ago, Erimus said:

When you are in a wave you will always think like this, it's normal. You just need to wait for it to pass again, and you will regain the rational elements of your brain. Each month that passes you will be a step closer to stability, don't measure how you feel day to day as this will fluctuate massively.

I know. But why is this going so slowly??? I thought people stabilize in a couple weeks, a few months at most. I’m at 10 weeks. Especially since I’m at a high dose.

 

I was living life at like %80 like 2 weeks ago. I started making plans, having a bit of fun, cooking meals, spending time with friends. We It’s all just so defeating and scary and I feel trapped, scared and alone because no one but SA understands.
 

All these symptoms and fears that I thought were gone for good all come flooding back along with new ones after this panic attack last night. This literally feels back to where I was at the beginning. Maybe some improvement.. but definitely as bad as the last wave. If not worse. I’m walking around too anxious to sleep and so exhausted. Can’t eat. I only slept 4 hours last night, which I know is only one night. This is just so so hard as a mom of 3. 

[AAOffZ]

@Ariel@Erimus I’m terrified that I’m going to have another panic attack like the one I had last night. It was the worst thing I’ve ever felt in my whole life. Sheer terror the likes I’ve never felt before. What are some tips to move beyond this. 

I’m deeply afraid the medicine has turned on me or something because if the intensity and newness of this panic attack. 

[AAOffZ]

@Erimus @Ariel I just realized something. I’ve been eating a lot of fortified cereal. I just occurred to me that it’s sort of like taking supplements. Could this be contributing to my problems? 

[AAOffZ]

@Erimus @Ariel please I’m desperate for some words of encouragement. I cannot calm. I’m in a completely panic… I can’t sit down. I cannot rest. I have been pacing all day. 

[itsalyssadood]

10 hours ago, AAOffZ said:

@Erimus @Ariel please I’m desperate for some words of encouragement. I cannot calm. I’m in a completely panic… I can’t sit down. I cannot rest. I have been pacing all day. 

Hey, I know how you feel. I have been where you are right now. I’m living proof that it will pass. I know how terrifying it is. You need to distract yourself as best as possible, I know it’s hard. Read success stories. Listen to YouTube videos of success. You will get through this. Your body and brain are trying to find homeostasis and sometimes this is what happens in the process.  
 

I know it’s hard to believe you will ever be okay and everything is scary right now. But you will be okay.  I promise you. 

[itsalyssadood]

13 hours ago, AAOffZ said:

I know. But why is this going so slowly??? I thought people stabilize in a couple weeks, a few months at most. I’m at 10 weeks. Especially since I’m at a high dose.

 

I was living life at like %80 like 2 weeks ago. I started making plans, having a bit of fun, cooking meals, spending time with friends. We It’s all just so defeating and scary and I feel trapped, scared and alone because no one but SA understands.
 

All these symptoms and fears that I thought were gone for good all come flooding back along with new ones after this panic attack last night. This literally feels back to where I was at the beginning. Maybe some improvement.. but definitely as bad as the last wave. If not worse. I’m walking around too anxious to sleep and so exhausted. Can’t eat. I only slept 4 hours last night, which I know is only one night. This is just so so hard as a mom of 3. 

This sounds EXACTLY like how my waves and windows are.  
Random question: by chance, are you on your period or is it coming soon? I find I always get a wave around my periods and they are just as bad as the first days. 
 

Also want to add: I am riding out the withdrawal stabilization process as well. Over 8 weeks now and I’m similar to you (haven’t had long windows yet though). We will stabilize! ❤️‍🩹

[AAOffZ]

8 hours ago, itsalyssadood said:

This sounds EXACTLY like how my waves and windows are.  
Random question: by chance, are you on your period or is it coming soon? I find I always get a wave around my periods and they are just as bad as the first days. 
 

Also want to add: I am riding out the withdrawal stabilization process as well. Over 8 weeks now and I’m similar to you (haven’t had long windows yet though). We will stabilize! ❤️‍🩹

thanks for stopping by! Thankfully I slept well last night with no middle of the night intense anxiety. I haven’t seen a pattern with my periods as my last long window was the week before my period. I did ovulate so that definitely could be a factor with how sensitive my system is. Hugs and healing to you ❤️‍🩹 

[itsalyssadood]

2 hours ago, AAOffZ said:

thanks for stopping by! Thankfully I slept well last night with no middle of the night intense anxiety. I haven’t seen a pattern with my periods as my last long window was the week before my period. I did ovulate so that definitely could be a factor with how sensitive my system is. Hugs and healing to you ❤️‍🩹 

I’m so glad you got some relief and sleep! 
 

Then windows and waves of healing is not fun; once you think you’re better- boom a wave slaps you in the face and it’s pure terror and desperation again. Absolutely awful! But, we all get through ❤️‍🩹

 

sending you love! 

[Erimus]

Keep persevering. The wave will end soon.

[AAOffZ]

39 minutes ago, Erimus said:

Keep persevering. The wave wi be ll end soon.

@Erimus Today seems to be about %50 better. Still some very chemical-feeling anxiety over weird things. 
 

Is it worth, at this point, looking into things that are causing waves? Or is that a rabbit hole I don’t want to delve into. 
 

I’ve always been sensitive to synthetic vitamins and iron supplements. So I’m wondering if I should avoid fortified foods. Cereal is loaded with synthetic vitamins. 

[AAOffZ]

2 hours ago, itsalyssadood said:

I’m so glad you got some relief and sleep! 
 

Then windows and waves of healing is not fun; once you think you’re better- boom a wave slaps you in the face and it’s pure terror and desperation again. Absolutely awful! But, we all get through ❤️‍🩹

 

sending you love! 

What are your waves like? Mine are intense intense panic and anxiety over normal, everyday things. Tight chest. Racing heart. Can’t sit down. Hypersentivity to sound. Have to pace all day.

[Erimus]

3 hours ago, AAOffZ said:

I’ve always been sensitive to synthetic vitamins and iron supplements. So I’m wondering if I should avoid fortified foods. Cereal is loaded with synthetic vitamins. 

This is non-event in my opinion, your mind is trying to search for explanations as to your suffering. Fortified cereal is not the cause.

 

I used to do the same. What have I changed? What have I eaten differently? Have I been prescribed the wrong drug? Have I taken the wrong dose? On and on and on. Eventually you'll reach a point where you stop caring.

Edited June 14 by Erimus

[itsalyssadood]

4 hours ago, AAOffZ said:

What are your waves like? Mine are intense intense panic and anxiety over normal, everyday things. Tight chest. Racing heart. Can’t sit down. Hypersentivity to sound. Have to pace all day.

Mine are very similar! 
 

Racing heart, anxiety/panic, adrenaline/cortisol dumps, doom/dread spiraling thoughts, inner restlessness/agitation, crying spells, more intense agoraphobia and mono-phobia. Just awful 😞

 

one thing I notice too is that my thoughts get really negative and I start thinking I’ll be stuck like that forever. The worst! A friend of mine told me to always remind yourself there’s a window after the wave! 

[AAOffZ]

22 hours ago, itsalyssadood said:

Mine are very similar! 
 

Racing heart, anxiety/panic, adrenaline/cortisol dumps, doom/dread spiraling thoughts, inner restlessness/agitation, crying spells, more intense agoraphobia and mono-phobia. Just awful 😞

 

one thing I notice too is that my thoughts get really negative and I start thinking I’ll be stuck like that forever. The worst! A friend of mine told me to always remind yourself there’s a window after the wave! 

@itsalyssadood, Do your waves have any patterns? How long do they last? Yesterday and today were better but only because the 3 days before were horrendous. I still am panicky today, with a slight window in the afternoon where I felt like I could do a few things around the house and cook dinner.
 

It’s so strange, every wave it seems like my brain is cycling through new neuro fears.. first was laundry, then dishes, then my tinnitus, then a bump on my face I’ve had for ages, then playing board games with my kids, sometimes it’s feeding my kids. I’m afraid they won’t eat. Like my brain is in complete disarray. And then the things that SHOULD cause me to jump, don’t!!! It’s absolutely horrible, and I’m deeply struggling with it all. I feel like I’ll never stabilize after what I put my brain through. 
 

I haven’t had any “good” days since my good long window 2 weeks ago. I just get some relief in the evening or a day that’s manageable here and there. Is this a bad sign? 
 

I sat in the front yard and played a board game with my son today. And I haven’t been able to do that in months, so I guess that’s a bit of improvement. But other areas of neuro anxiety and fear have gotten worse or appeared. Like now taking a shower makes me anxious. WHY!!!

[Ariel]

Hi @AAOffZ

It sounds like you've been going through it. 

I've been dealing with some waves over here, too. 

We're in this together <3

Sending love and healing vibes,
Ariel

[AAOffZ]

1 hour ago, Ariel said:

Hi @AAOffZ

It sounds like you've been going through it. 

I've been dealing with some waves over here, too. 

We're in this together ❤️

Sending love and healing vibes,
Ariel

 
@Ariel it’s so tough. I’m having one of my best days in a while. Your relief/window is coming too. 
 

It will pass. It always passes. Your next best day could be tomorrow or even this evening. 
 

I’m always here if you need an ear. Truly. You have been one of my rocks throughout this in keeping my mind focused on what is true vs what is a wave.