Catwoman73: New Here! My story…

[LostInCanada]

10 minutes ago, Catwoman73 said:

chocolate chip cookie recipe

I've been using carob. Caffeine and stimulant free. 👍

I made the most amazing faux chocolate cake the others day with coconut sugar.

[Catwoman73]

43 minutes ago, LostInCanada said:

I've been using carob. Caffeine and stimulant free. 👍

I made the most amazing faux chocolate cake the others day with coconut sugar.

I will try the carob for sure!  I already use coconut sugar.  I eat whole foods, plant based for the most part, so I'm always seeking out healthier options than the standard white flour/white sugar-type stuff.  

 

My nervous system has calmed down a bit now, but I got the message loud and clear- avoid chocolate and caffeine as much as humanly possible!!!

[LostInCanada]

@Catwoman73 Stash decaf teas are good and have caused me no issues. They use C02 to decaffinate unlike twinings and some others. The vanilla chai decaf helps me not miss my caramel macchiato as much. 😭

Decaf coffee still has other stimulants and cause issues for some. I have not been brave enough to try.

22 minutes ago, Catwoman73 said:

I will try the carob for sure!

It has a natural sweet fruity taste mixed in with the cocoa like flavour. I like to add cinnamon to balance it.

[Catwoman73]

59 minutes ago, LostInCanada said:

@Catwoman73 Stash decaf teas are good and have caused me no issues. They use C02 to decaffinate unlike twinings and some others. The vanilla chai decaf helps me not miss my caramel macchiato as much. 😭

Decaf coffee still has other stimulants and cause issues for some. I have not been brave enough to try.

It has a natural sweet fruity taste mixed in with the cocoa like flavour. I like to add cinnamon to balance it.

Thank you- I will seek out stash teas... I do drink caffeinated tea right now, but I'm weaning it off.  I was a heavy coffee drinker before all of this, but started having weird reactions to it last week.  So I dumped it, and felt like crap for a few days.  Going to go slower weaning off the tea... you'd think I'd learn, right? LOL

 

I had my meet and greet with the NP (Monica Mina) this afternoon, and it went incredibly well.  I am going to do a full intake assessment with her on June 10th, and will start tapering with her at that time.  Thank you for pointing me in that direction.

[Sonia009]

2 hours ago, Catwoman73 said:

Argh... I was feeling pretty good this morning, so I decided to get off my butt and bake some of my husband's fave chocolate chip cookies for him.  Of course I had to sample some chocolate chips along the way... and now I'm super dizzy, shaky and short of breath.  I also didn't nap this morning, so I suspect that is contributing to how crappy I'm feeling.  We are so fragile!  I think I'm still in a state of disbelief that this is what my life has become.  It's surreal to think that a few chocolate chips can turn a really good day into a rough one.  I'm trying to laugh it off as a learning experience, but I admit, I'm feeling super frustrated!!!

 

The b!tch of it is... this is actually a fairly healthy chocolate chip cookie recipe- made with oats, ground almonds and flax.  Based on how I'm feeling, I won't even get to sample them!!!  It SUCKS!

@Catwoman73 I did a similar thing last night, I was staying in a holiday cottage and there was a welcome tray with  a variety of chocolate biscuits, I couldn't resist, maybe that's why I'm headachy and dizzy today too. Hope you feel better soon.🙏🙂

[LostInCanada]

1 minute ago, Catwoman73 said:

had my meet and greet with the NP (Monica Mina) this afternoon, and it went incredibly well.  

So glad to hear. 💯♥️

[Tweed9674]

14 minutes ago, Catwoman73 said:

I had my meet and greet with the NP (Monica Mina) this afternoon, and it went incredibly well.  I am going to do a full intake assessment with her on June 10th, and will start tapering with her at that time.  Thank you for pointing me in that direction.

That's a really good news!

 

1 hour ago, LostInCanada said:

Decaf coffee still has other stimulants and cause issues for some. I have not been brave enough to try.

I replaced my morning coffee with a decaf using Kirkland Signature (Costco) decaf.

But yeah, sometimes even decaf is too much and I can't finish my cup. Now that's what I call a tragedy!!!

[LostInCanada]

Just for reference:

Theanine and to lesser amounts theobromine (the same psychoactive that's in chocolate) and theophylline. Theobromine and theophylline both are methylated xanthines and are structurally very similar to caffeine (methyl groups are just positioned differently), sharing the same mild stimulating effect.Apr 25, 2015

https://www.quora.com › What-is-...

What is in coffee besides caffeine that gives its stimulating effects?

[LostInCanada]

3 minutes ago, Tweed9674 said:

Now that's what I call a tragedy

It is tragic especially when my hubby makes a delicious smelling coffee every morning. 😭 And I have 4 wonderful coffee shops within a 2 block radius not to mention bakeries...ugh One day....

[Catwoman73]

6 minutes ago, Tweed9674 said:

I replaced my morning coffee with a decaf using Kirkland Signature (Costco) decaf.

But yeah, sometimes even decaf is too much and I can't finish my cup. Now that's what I call a tragedy!!!

Haha I agree!!!  I love coffee, but it's just not worth it.  I'm tolerating black tea much better for now, so I will use that as a springboard to kick the caffeine altogether.  Not rushing things though- my body is just too sensitive for that!

 

Interestingly, I think I have had these sensitivities since I started tapering last November, I just didn't make the connection.  That might explain the severe reflux I had in January.  My digestion has, in general, been touchy for months.  Now that I'm tracking symptoms very closely (I have started a journal), I'm starting to see the connections.  

 

 

I'm just sad that I can't be super carefree about much of anything anymore.  I have to be careful about diet, exercise, supplements, energy expenditure... hell, I can't even stand up quickly without blacking out lol.  Some days it really feels like a battle.

[Catwoman73]

Ok, I am definitely in a long covid window!!  No headache/face/jaw pain for the last two days.  Now I just have to be careful not to overdo it and send myself back into a crash.  I think I will read my book today!  Not something I'm capable of day to day, so this is nice.

 

I was feeling good enough last night to go to the movies.  The whole experience was a bit overstimulating, but it was super nice to get out of the house and do something normal for a change. Apparently the northern lights were visible right here in town last night... somehow I missed it, but the sunset was beautiful when I was driving home (and this is not something I would notice or care about on my bad days). 

 

I'm not having any distinct withdrawal symptoms on the 9mg of escitalopram, and it's been 11 days.  Any symptoms I have had could be either long covid or withdrawal, and have been perfectly tolerable.  Never fun, but tolerable.  The only thing I am noticing is that I am exquisitely sensitive to over the counter medications/supplements and foods.  I can't overeat, I can't let my diet change from my perfect whole foods plant based norm without paying a price.  It sucks, but I can live with that.  My intake appointment with the NP for tapering is in June 10th, so I'll be holding until then.  I may try to updose my LDN next week, if I stay in this window. 

[Catwoman73]

Hi all- I missed my update yesterday due to a busy Mother's Day.  I have a mom, a step-mom and a mother in law, plus I am a mom lol... so that makes for a busy day. 

 

I'm doing so-so... my long covid window seems to be coming to an end- My head/ear/jaw pain is back, and I've had a few episodes of pre-syncope this morning.  I do plan to updose my LDN this week, so I'm hoping that I'm getting closer to that optimal dose that may actually do some good. 

 

I have a dental appointment today, and I live in terror of the dentist even when I'm well, so this should be fun.  I had a terrible experience with a dentist as a child, and that leaves a lasting impression.  Normally, I would take an Ativan for dental appointments, but under my current circumstances, that's out of the question.  Looks like I'll have to rely on deep breathing lol... wish me luck!

 

I've had a couple of random moments of panic over the last couple of days, and it definitely feels like withdrawal.  One yesterday afternoon, when I was extremely fatigued, and I woke up with one at 3:30 in the morning.  It was absolutely nothing that I couldn't handle though- I knew what it was and was able to use progressive relaxation to calm myself.  It gives me confidence that I can get through this, even when it gets worse... which it likely will, particularly when I get below 5mg. 

[LostInCanada]

1 hour ago, Catwoman73 said:

have a dental appointment today, and I live in terror of the dentist even when I'm well, so this should be fun.  I had a terrible experience with a dentist as a child, and that leaves a lasting impression.  Normally, I would take an Ativan for dental appointments, but under my current circumstances, that's out of the question.

Please let us know how it goes. Not my fav place either. I also used to medicate for the visit. You have the right attitude.👍

[Catwoman73]

2 hours ago, LostInCanada said:

Please let us know how it goes. Not my fav place either. I also used to medicate for the visit. You have the right attitude.👍

Thanks @LostInCanada- I got through it like a champ!  I had very little anxiety.  I think it helped that I explained exactly what I was going through to the dental hygienist, and she was very understanding, took her time, and even commiserated with me regarding the prescribing of psychiatric meds lol.  She told me that she contracted shingles recently.  She told her doctor that it wasn't terribly painful, just itchy... and he prescribed her gabapentin!!!  She was smart enough not to take it, but she was blown away that he would give out a script for gabapentin, even after she specifically said she didn't have much pain!  

 

In any case, no cavities, but I do have a tooth that's damaged, and the dentist asked if I've been clenching my teeth.  That is something I have noticed myself doing since I started my taper, so I'm going to have to be very conscious to try to keep my jaw relaxed if I don't want the tooth to crack.  The last thing I want right now is to have to have a major dental procedure right now!

[LostInCanada]

2 minutes ago, Catwoman73 said:

clenching my teeth.

I know some on here use a sports mouth guard at night when sleeping. You can pick them up at a store like Sports Chek. 

 

4 minutes ago, Catwoman73 said:

gabapentin

My daughter has worked in the admin side of medicine. She said even here in backward Victoria BC, gabapentin is such a bad one and the doctors know it needs a careful taper. 

9 minutes ago, Catwoman73 said:

got through it like a champ!  

🎉🎉🎉 This gives me hope for my June Appointment...

[Catwoman73]

A quick morning update from me- I have slept quite well for the last three nights.  Interestingly, I have not been able to nap since last Friday... not for lack of trying.  Something feels different- I have no idea whether it's just a good long covid period, or if being on a lower dose of the escitalopram is just better for me in terms of fatigue.  Time will tell.  

 

I do often feel a bit better on weekends, likely because the pace of life is a bit slower in general.  Symptoms do tend to pick up on days when I have dance classes, likely because I am MASSIVELY overdoing it on those days.  Fortunately, our show is on June 7 and 8, after that, things will slow down again.  And I was just saying to someone that I will not commit to any competitions or shows next season.  I'll still attend class and do what I can, but I need to commit to my healing, and need the freedom to take a night off if I need it.  I'm really disappointed that I've had to make that decision, but I'm trying to look at it as an opportunity to keep practicing the skills of dealing with the $hit that life throws at you without relying on drugs. And it's only one year.  I'll be back in full force the year after if I can heal enough. 

 

Overall, I'm feeling ok today.  Just not much motivation, which seems to be a feature of both long covid and drug withdrawal for me.  I can't even seem to motivate myself to pick up the phone and book a vet appointment for my cat and dog.  Some days, these tasks just feel so daunting.  Most days, really.  I always feel better when these tasks are completed, but getting them done is like running a marathon.  Anyone else feel this way?

 

@LostInCanada- re: the dentist- I do have great dental benefits, so they are putting an estimate through my insurance for a night guard.  I just don't know if I would actually wear anything like that, because I do have TMJ issues, and I worry it will exacerbate the pain from that.  We'll see- I'm debating. 

 

Do you have a checkup booked for June?  I really found that just explaining my hypersensitivity to the hygienist was helpful- she really helped put me at ease.  You wouldn't have to explain why, although I was glad I did lol- we ended up bonding over our opinions on psych meds.  I'm also fortunate, that my dentist deals with a lot of kids, so they have TVs on the ceiling with cartoons on, so I was able to watch Brave during my appointment.  Very appropriate lol! 

[Believer]

Hey @Catwoman73,

I just thought I’d share my experience with night guards. I had one in my teens and never wore it. Got another one in my 40s and now won’t sleep w/o it. It has definitely helped my TMJ, not to mention the wear on my teeth. It took a few nights No get used to it, but not a big deal for me.

[Catwoman73]

32 minutes ago, Believer said:

Hey @Catwoman73,

I just thought I’d share my experience with night guards. I had one in my teens and never wore it. Got another one in my 40s and now won’t sleep w/o it. It has definitely helped my TMJ, not to mention the wear on my teeth. It took a few nights No get used to it, but not a big deal for me.

Thanks @Believer!  Yes, I was having flashbacks of my retainer in high school lol.  I think I tried to wear that thing for one night and pitched it in the garbage.  But if my insurance is going to cover it, I might just give it a shot.  It's better than needing a crown or a root canal.

[Catwoman73]

Argh.  I've kind of fallen off a cliff this afternoon.  I'm trying to rest and relax, because I have ballet and pointe classes tonight, and there has been nothing but crazy noise in the neighbourhood today.  People mowing lawns, using leaf blowers, yelling at their dogs (which upsets me at the best of times), motorcycles, loud trucks, loud voices.  One neighbour's leaf blower has been turning on and off, on and off, on and off, for 7 hours straight now.  I get that people need to do yard work, but isn't that a little excessive?  And another neighbour's grass was probably waist-deep in his back yard (I'm not nosy, I can just can see it from our bathroom window upstairs- you can't NOT see it!).  He decided that today was the day to mow.  His poor lawnmower is taking a beating.  I burst into tears about half an hour ago because I'm just so activated by all the noise today.   Trying so hard to use all my calming techniques, but struggling so much.  I think my inability to nap for the last few days is catching up to me.  Earplugs don't seem to work terribly well for me- if I can still hear the noise a little bit, I just get more irritated. 

 

I think I'll feel better when my family gets home... I need a hug/dopamine fix.  In the meantime, I'll try to focus on the nature sounds- those are fine.

[Tweed9674]

Do you have a pair of earphones or earbuds?

 

In situations like these, I find that listening to oceans waves (more sound... I know...) with my in ear monitors is helping a lot.

Not white noise, not rain sounds, not soft music. Waves!

 

If you can tolerate it......

There's an Ocean Waves playlist on spotify https://open.spotify.com/playlist/37i9dQZF1DX9if5QDLdzCa

I usually pick one and put it on repeat for hours.

 

You can also find some long ones on youtube.

 

Ear plugs are unbearable for me haha!

 

Sending you virtual hugs, hang in there!

[Catwoman73]

1 minute ago, Tweed9674 said:

Do you have a pair of earphones or earbuds?

 

In situations like these, I find that listening to oceans waves (more sound... I know...) with my in ear monitors is helping a lot.

Not white noise, not rain sounds, not soft music. Waves!

 

If you can tolerate it......

There's an Ocean Waves playlist on spotify https://open.spotify.com/playlist/37i9dQZF1DX9if5QDLdzCa

I usually pick one and put it on repeat for hours.

 

You can also find some long ones on youtube.

 

Ear plugs are unbearable for me haha!

 

Sending you virtual hugs, hang in there!

I will try- if I like the birds, waves should be fine too.  Nature sounds are generally quite soothing for me- that's why I sit outside so much!

Fortunately, the clouds have just started rolling in here, which seems to have driven the yardies inside... I think I'll stay out and enjoy the wind in the trees for a while.  I'll give the waves a try at bedtime tonight- I'm often pretty worked up after ballet class and have trouble sleeping... maybe it will help silence my mind.

Thank you! 🤗

[Tweed9674]

I'll add that leaf blowers are a bane of society.

 

That something I believed way before I became hypersensitive to sound.

 

Happy to read that your ears a getting a little break!

[Emonda]

I hear you re the noise issues (pun intended), @Catwoman73

 

I have noise-cancelling headphones with quiet piano music playing whilst I work. That does a great job at drowning out the leaf blower that goes daily outside my window...🤨

 

Noise-cancelling headphones can be expensive. Before those existed, I used to wear sound earmuffs that workmen wear when using tools. I looked odd at my desk, but they did the job.

 

Thanks for being so encouraging towards other members 👍 

[Catwoman73]

8 hours ago, Emonda said:

I hear you re the noise issues (pun intended), @Catwoman73

 

I have noise-cancelling headphones with quiet piano music playing whilst I work. That does a great job at drowning out the leaf blower that goes daily outside my window...🤨

 

Noise-cancelling headphones can be expensive. Before those existed, I used to wear sound earmuffs that workmen wear when using tools. I looked odd at my desk, but they did the job.

 

Thanks for being so encouraging towards other members 👍 

Thanks @Emonda!  My daughter has ADHD (and is medicated... argh), so she uses her noise cancelling headphones all the time- in restaurants, school assemblies, etc.  I just had to purchase her a new pair because she used her old ones so much that they broke.  I will likely get myself a pair- hers are an off brand and weren't too expensive.

 

And I'm happy to encourage others... I'm not in crisis at all right now, and helping out a bit gives me a small sense of purpose.

[Catwoman73]

Morning update... I had a terrible ballet class last night.  I had two really bad episodes of cyanosis, and ended up sitting out for a good chunk of the class.  We have our dress rehearsal next week, and I'm going to have to perform all four of my numbers in a one hour period.  With costume and hair changes in between.  I just don't think I can do it... but somehow, I'm going to have to.  This has really reinforced my decision to do no competitions or shows next season.  I'm frustrated and disappointed.

 

I did some reading on cyanosis with respect to long covid last night- pallor and cyanosis, exercise intolerance, pre syncope, etc are all just symptoms of dysautonomia.  Which is a problem many long covid patients encounter.  I seem to be on the more severe part of the spectrum, as not many people are turning blue with even mild exercise.  Just like withdrawal, there is no quick fix- the only advice is adequate hydration, extra salt, compression socks- all of which I'm already doing- and reducing exercise intensity.  And no one knows if this will EVER get better.  It makes me sad- I've always been super fit, and taken pride in my ability to challenge my body, and accomplish difficult things.  I've run marathons, and hell- I'm a dancer at age 51!  I've already lost my career thanks to long covid, and I really, really don't want to lose this part of me too.  

 

I suppose this is one of those situations that I just need to learn to accept.  It's a tough one though.  

 

Aside from that, I slept somewhat ok- I was awake ruminating between 4-6.  Felt super foggy when I got up at 7:30, so after I said goodbye to my family this morning, I went right back to bed.  Feeling a bit better now. My body is aching- a definite sign that I overdid it last night.  Normally I would take Advil and go about my day, but my stomach is super sensitive to Advil now.  Maybe a hot bath instead. 

 

I'm seeing my therapist today- I guess I will hash some of this out with her.  Then I will come home and nap again, because therapy is exhausting.  

[LostInCanada]

21 minutes ago, Catwoman73 said:

, I'm going to have to.  

No one expects you to jeopardize your well being. Giving them the heads up sooner than later might be the way to go. Only you know.♥️

24 minutes ago, Catwoman73 said:

I'm a dancer at age 51!  

And you will continue to be. For your enjoyment and within your limitations. I am sure if you were in a wheelchair you would still be dancing. 

 

29 minutes ago, Catwoman73 said:

Maybe a hot bath instead

Be kind to yourself. It goes a long way. ❤️❤️❤️

[Catwoman73]

4 minutes ago, LostInCanada said:

No one expects you to jeopardize your well being. Giving them the heads up sooner than later might be the way to go. Only you know.♥️

And you will continue to be. For your enjoyment and within your limitations. I am sure if you were in a wheelchair you would still be dancing. 

 

Be kind to yourself. It goes a long way. ❤️❤️❤️

Agreed- I'm sure they don't want me dropping in the middle of dress rehearsal.  That would be a bit of a buzzkill lol.  I was just thinking, it really is only dress rehearsal- I can just walk through some of the more challenging parts of my various pieces in order to keep my heart rate down.  I can make it work.  Sometimes it's hard to focus on what I CAN do, rather than what I can't do.  Thanks for the reminder. ❤️

[LostInCanada]

17 minutes ago, Catwoman73 said:

That would be a bit of a buzzkill lol.

Definitely 😂 

18 minutes ago, Catwoman73 said:

Sometimes it's hard to focus on what I CAN do, rather than what I can't do.  

For us all. You have a great attitude and that is so important. My life is so sedate and routine now. I was never one to be doing nothing. It sure has been humbling. At the same time being forced to slow down has made me appreciate the little things and find out they aren't so little after all. ♥️

[Ariel]

Hi @Catwoman73

 

Nice to meet you. I really appreciate your posts and all the support you offer fellow members!

 

1 hour ago, Catwoman73 said:

I had a terrible ballet class last night.  I had two really bad episodes of cyanosis, and ended up sitting out for a good chunk of the class.  We have our dress rehearsal next week, and I'm going to have to perform all four of my numbers in a one hour period.  With costume and hair changes in between.  I just don't think I can do it... but somehow, I'm going to have to.  This has really reinforced my decision to do no competitions or shows next season.  I'm frustrated and disappointed.

 

I'm sorry you had such a rough experience last night. The bouts of cyanosis, exercise intolerance, pre-syncope and so on sound scary and unpleasant. Maybe you know this already, but just in case, dysautonomia figures prominently in psych drug withdrawal as well. It's possible you're hit so hard because you're serving concurrent dysautonomia sentences, so to speak. 

 

1 hour ago, Catwoman73 said:

I've already lost my career thanks to long covid, and I really, really don't want to lose this part of me too.  

 

I hear you. It's so hard contending with the experience of loss in WD and long COVID and other such debilitating chronic illness. We have a lot of grieving to do. 

 

At the same time, I can't help but imagine -- based on your many wonderful posts to other members -- that if you were responding to someone else you'd say something like: You haven't lost this part of you; you may need to modify it for a while, i.e. temporarily adapt intensity and type of movement. We make such adjustments throughout our lives as circumstances shift, with or without illness. Even in perfect health, we age and our capacity changes over time. Something as banal as winter vs. summer can impact our performance, and we roll with it. 

 

I know for me it can sometimes be hard to accept such changes in WD because there is this underlying trauma of having been harmed. I have other chronic health conditions, incl. post-viral syndrome, that are comparably challenging to contend with, and yet do not cause the same caliber of complex psychological response. Iatrogenic harm feels different because it entails layers of neglect, betrayal of trust, violation of consent, etc. It's psychosocially fraught, has interpersonal implications, and the mind is easily tempted to view it as something that could have been avoided. For anyone with a pre-existing trauma history (e.g. of complex trauma, such as myself), we may be particularly sensitive to such dynamics. 

 

1 hour ago, Catwoman73 said:

I suppose this is one of those situations that I just need to learn to accept.  It's a tough one though.  

 

Agreed. 

I feel like so much of this journey is an ongoing oscillation

between acceptance -- grieving -- letting go. Over and over and over again. 

 

1 hour ago, Catwoman73 said:

 I just don't think I can do it... but somehow, I'm going to have to.

 

Why do you have to? 

I'm so curious about this, Catwoman, I hope you don't mind my asking. 

From what I've read in your thread and in your many other posts supporting community members, you seem so all-in on the idea of listening to one's body and practicing self-compassion and going gently. 

And it sounds like your body is very, very loudly and urgently trying to tell you something in your dance classes...? 

If it were anyone other than you in this body reacting so vehemently, would you insist that person keep at it? If it were your daughter, if it were your dearest friend, if it were your husband -- turning blue and nearly fainting and suffering and crashing afterwards with symptoms of severe distress and discomfort -- would you force them to continue and see it all the way through, would you refuse them the option of sick leave? 

You don't have to answer this if you don't want to. I'm just wondering aloud. Somehow I can't imagine you'd treat anyone else this way.

 

1 hour ago, Catwoman73 said:

It makes me sad- I've always been super fit, and taken pride in my ability to challenge my body, and accomplish difficult things.  I've run marathons, and hell- I'm a dancer at age 51!

 

I relate to this so hard.

And none of the essential elements above need change -- you can still be proud of your ability to challenge your body, you can still be proud of being able to accomplish difficult things. I'd argue you do both of these things 24/7 simply breathing your way through WD and long COVID (although I know that's not what you mean). 

 

In WD I am not able to exercise the way I used to or the way I wish I could. Illness has taken a toll on my body for sure. And I have had my own journey of exercise intolerance and living the consequences of crashes from pushing, and struggling with resistance and various fears around scaling back and making changes. I'm still learning...

I can share that yes, acceptance helps, and also, acceptance comes and goes, it's a practice. The grief is real.

And, perhaps most importantly, every time I have listened to my body in this regard and modified activity accordingly, usually towards gentleness, I have been rewarded in very welcome ways. 

 

I'm not saying this to persuade you in one direction or another; you know best what's right for you. I'm rooting for you no matter what!

My intention is to share a bit of my experience in the hope that you might feel heard and supported, and know that you are not alone. 

I recognize myself in what you describe and my heart goes out to you. This is a very hard road we're on, and we're doing it (go, us!) and also, how can we make things easier on ourselves along the way? 

 

Thanks again for your presence here and your wonderful contributions to the site. You're very special. 

In solidarity and support, 

A. 

[Ariel]

The Question
by Rosemerry Wahtola Trommer

 

All day, I replay these words:

Is this the path of love?

I think of them as I rise, as

I wake my children, as I wash dishes,

as I drive too close behind the slow

blue Subaru, Is this the path of love?

Think of these words as I stand in line

at the grocery store,

think of them as I sit on the couch

with my daughter. Amazing how

quickly six words become compass,

the new lens through which to see myself

in the world. I notice what the question is not.

Not, “Is this right?” Not,

“Is this wrong?” It just longs to know

how the action of existence

links us to the path of love.

And is it this? Is it this? All day,

I let myself be led by the question.

All day I let myself not be too certain

of the answer. Is it this?

Is this the path of love? I ask 

as I wait for the next word to come.

[Catwoman73]

Hi @Ariel!  Thanks for your message, and you make VERY good points.  You are absolutely correct- I would never, ever tell anyone else to ignore the very clear messages their body is sending them.  I would never tell anyone to push through, especially right now.  I had some pretty awful childhood trauma, and I know that sometimes, as a result of this, I have a lot of trouble showing myself the same compassion that I show others.  This is something I'm working on.  I found it helpful today to go back and read my whole life story- something I've been writing for therapeutic purposes.  I realized that if someone else had written all of that, I would just want to hug that person, and help in any way I could.  So I will extend myself that same grace... sometimes I just need the reminder lol. 

 

As for dress rehearsal, I'm going to do what I can.  I have to be there, but I don't have to dance through the parts that are driving my heart rate up- I can just walk through them.  It's only dress rehearsal.  Fortunately, my dances are much more spaced out during the show, so I'll be able to rest and catch my breath and recover.  I'll get through it, and take the lesson to heart- I need to slow down right now.  Even if it's hard on me, it's what I need to do. 

 

I'm generally a super optimistic person, and I know this funk that I'm in won't last.  When I have a better day, I know that I will be thinking about what might come next for me, and how I can keep being a part of the dance community, even if I can't perform or compete.  Like I've said to others- the bad days are temporary.  

 

As for the dysautonomia- yes, it has certainly gotten worse since I started tapering.  It's been there since I had covid, but I've noticed a real uptick in the cyanotic episodes over the last few months.  I will adapt, I know I will.  Exercise intolerance is the toughest pill to swallow for me.  I've come to terms with being on disability, I've come to terms with not being able to participate in social gatherings very much.  But letting go of my super fit image is a much, much harder one.  I'll get there.  One day at a time, right?

 

Thank you so much for your thoughts... It's so nice to be really SEEN here, by people like you, who know exactly where I'm at,  That can be really hard to find in every day life. ❤️‍🩹 

[Catwoman73]

Good morning!

 

I had a good session with my therapist yesterday, a really good lyrical class (I slowed down a lot, and managed to avoid any cyanotic episodes), and slept quite well too!  I woke up feeling as good as I ever do, so that's a win.  No idea if it will last, but I'll appreciate it while I can!

 

I'm having lunch with a couple of former coworkers today.  I'm looking forward to seeing them, but socializing wears me out.  Fortunately, they only have an hour for lunch, and I feel I can manage that.  And I will try to nap when I get home to mitigate any negative effects. 

 

I forgot to mention that I increased my LDN yesterday to 1.5mg.  No negative effects at all.  I expected a poor sleep and nightmares, but I was completely fine.  We'll see how it plays out over the next few days.

 

Nothing further this morning- I'm going to go sit on my screened in porch and enjoy some sunshine!

[Catwoman73]

Well, I'm convinced after today that there's a good chance I'm going to die alone with my cats.  Hopefully the husband sticks around too, but he's going to get really bored hanging out with a person who can't leave the house.  In all seriousness- I went out for lunch with my former colleagues today, had a fantastic time, and within an hour of coming home, I was struck by a violent icepick headache that just won't go away.  I was only out for an hour!  It was a noisy restaurant, and I knew at about the 15 minute mark that I was likely in trouble.  I'm going to have to skip my hip hop class tonight as a result.  I'm in tears... so disappointed.  This is all so unfair. 

 

Just needed to rant.  Now I'm going back to bed.  Hopefully I'll be back on my feet by morning, but sometimes I pay for this kind of thing for days.  I hope not- we're supposed to have a really nice weekend here, and I'd really like to be able to enjoy it.

[Catwoman73]

Ok, so my severe headache now makes perfect sense.  I woke up at 2:30 last night with severe nausea, painful stomach, alternating between chills and sweating.  No idea if I had a fever- I didn't have the energy to dig through all my stuff to find a thermometer.  

 

What followed was a night spent on the bathroom floor, alternating between vomiting and the big D.  All with a screaming headache.  So it seems I might have contracted norovirus, or possibly food poisoning.  I guess we'll know soon enough- norovirus will likely spread through the household.  Food poisoning, less likely. I checked the public health website, and norovirus is around, but I do hope it's food poisoning- I don't want my family down for the weekend!!!

 

I'm feeling a bit bitter today- can't eat a damned thing, I'm barely able to sip water.  Severe acid reflux, ongoing headache (but more tolerable today).  My esophagus is painful from vomiting.  So my butt is parked in my lazy boy chair for the day.  I'm super slow to recover from stuff like this these days, so I need to give myself the grace to sit on my booty and do nothing.  

 

I am a bit worried about my meds- I think I likely vomited up my dose of escitalopram last night.  My dinner didn't absorb at all (TMI, I know), but I took my dose with dinner.  So we'll see what today brings.  I'm going to be taking my LDN late as well- I'm waiting til hubby gets home from work with some gingerale- I'll just mix it into that.  Gingerale and bananas is all I can imagine ingesting at the moment. 

[LostInCanada]

5 minutes ago, Catwoman73 said:

took my dose with dinner.

Since I have dealt with so much nausea and vomiting during this, my research has led me to believe these drugs absorb within 20-30 minutes of taking them. 

Hope things settle for you quickly. I found  fever tree ginger beer is amazing since it uses real ginger and came sugar. ♥️

[Tweed9674]

10 minutes ago, Catwoman73 said:

Ok, so my severe headache now makes perfect sense.  I woke up at 2:30 last night with severe nausea, painful stomach, alternating between chills and sweating.  No idea if I had a fever- I didn't have the energy to dig through all my stuff to find a thermometer.  

 

What followed was a night spent on the bathroom floor, alternating between vomiting and the big D.  All with a screaming headache.  So it seems I might have contracted norovirus, or possibly food poisoning.  I guess we'll know soon enough- norovirus will likely spread through the household.  Food poisoning, less likely. I checked the public health website, and norovirus is around, but I do hope it's food poisoning- I don't want my family down for the weekend!!!

 

I'm feeling a bit bitter today- can't eat a damned thing, I'm barely able to sip water.  Severe acid reflux, ongoing headache (but more tolerable today).  My esophagus is painful from vomiting.  So my butt is parked in my lazy boy chair for the day.  I'm super slow to recover from stuff like this these days, so I need to give myself the grace to sit on my booty and do nothing.  

 

I am a bit worried about my meds- I think I likely vomited up my dose of escitalopram last night.  My dinner didn't absorb at all (TMI, I know), but I took my dose with dinner.  So we'll see what today brings.  I'm going to be taking my LDN late as well- I'm waiting til hubby gets home from work with some gingerale- I'll just mix it into that.  Gingerale and bananas is all I can imagine ingesting at the moment. 

Big yikes. 🤢

 

Nothing you can do about your dose. It is what it is. 😕 

From my (too many) experiences puking my dose.... it should be fine... But last time it happened to me I was not in WD so it's hardly an apple to apple comparison.

 

I hope that you recover quickly!!!