salticidae: My journey with SI, paranoia, stimulants, antidepressants, and antipsychotics.

[salticidae]

Hey all, I'm a bit of an oddball here as I grew up in an insular religious extremist community that was very anti-anything therapy or psychiatry. I started experiencing psychotic symptoms (extreme hallucinations) when I was 12 years old and they believed it was demonic influence. Needless to say, I learned to hide pretty much everything I was going through from that point in. 

 

I went completely unmedicated for the first 7 years after that. Chronic suicidality, severe anxiety, OCD symptoms, delusions, voices, brain fog and depression, lack of motivation, you name it. I didn't get therapy or meds except for a religious counselors and religious camps that isolated me away from my support system. I was closeted transgender and eventually a closeted atheist. Both of these things caused me great grief and my paranoia partially came from the fact that half the people in my community thought the government was trying to kill us and that my parents installed all sorts of trackers on my devices (well before this was a common thing to do). 

 

(Honestly, I see a lot of similarities between my upbringing and the abusive, controlling side of psychiatry. But that's a rant for another day.)

 

Anyways, I finally went in for a psych eval after two suicide attempts that I also told no one about (was afraid of getting hospitalized and my parents didn't have health insurance). I almost failed out of college and was put on academic probation. I got tested for ADHD (it severely runs in my family) and put on Adderall, which I had an on again off again relationship with. I did not tell the psychiatrist about the delusions, paranoia, or the active suicide plans. Thankfully, the Adderall decreased my stress levels and thus my anxiety and paranoia, but I was never good about taking it regularly, and it gave me heart palpitations that would wake me up and make it impossible to relax.

 

I always struggled with a severe lack of motivation and addiction to the Internet. I would just sit on my phone for 12-16 hours a day on the floor. I was too paranoid to leave my room so I literally subsisted off granola bars, peanut butter sandwiches, and bananas, when I remembered to eat. This lead to a severe iron deficiency that wasn't diagnosed for about a half year. I was misdiagnosed with Idiopathic Hypersomnia and put on Modanafil which didn't help. Stopped that too.

 

Eventually I went in to the psych hospital voluntarily in 2020 after almost buying a gun because I thought I had to kill myself to prevent a deadly multi-car pile up that would be my fault. I was convinced I would go to prison even though the accident NEVER happened, and I was receiving signs from the universe to kill myself. I told my partner and he made me go to the hospital. I knew that these places were sh*tty but I still hoped it would help me. 

 

It didn't really, but I enjoyed the presence of the other patients there. I got out back on Adderall and on fluoxetine, which just gave me severe insomnia and nightmares. The doctor did not believe I had psychosis because I didn't "seem psychotic" and I wasn't being fully honest with him about everything out of fear of being put on an AP. I was hoping it was just depression induced psychosis.

 

Eventually was discharged and switched to Vyvanse 30mg and put on bupropion 150mg. The latter gave me severe anxiety for the first two weeks but eventually calmed down. Psych wanted me on 10mg of aripiprazole after talking about my still-present delusions but I fought to start at 5mg. This actually completely erased almost all psychotic symptoms and was very light on physical or cognitive side effects. I had plenty of motivation but unfortunately, I realized it was numbing my emotions pretty bad so I decided to cut the dose in half.

 

Delusions and voices came back within like a week so I went back up. My PCP told me to stop the Vyvanse as my heart rate was sky high so I had the Vyvanse stopped and went up to 300mg bupropion which did take the edge off the ADHD symptoms.

 

Then over the past 2 years I've slowly tapered down to 2mg aripiprazole, which has been a hard journey but I found a GREAT therapist who is super supportive, understands this stuff well (she went through altered states herself) and helps me work through my delusions and find alternative ways of dealing with my beliefs instead of just "killing myself to save the world" lol. I feel emotions much stronger now and feel more in touch with myself. I am now tapering down to 150mg bupropion. 

 

These days I have a fiance, am working at a nonprofit, and in school for a Public Health degree... I want to implement policies to improve the psychiatric system. I owe a lot of this success to finding a safe environment, coming out as trans, a lot of work on myself, and yes, the meds. But I hate feeling numb and not in touch with myself, thus, the taper.

 

No idea if I'll ever come completely off but I feel like the less I can take and still cope okay the better! 

 

I also take vitamin D, omega 3 fish oil, and the Biogenesis Stress Factors supplement which is a LIFESAVER. 

 

Thanks for hearing my story!

Edited July 28 by Emonda
Name to title

[Erimus]

Hello, and welcome to Surviving Antidepressants. We are a peer support forum to assist in tapering off psychiatric drugs safely, or recovering from psychiatric drug withdrawal.

 

This topic is for anything relating to you, and any questions you have. Please do not start another topic.

 

We recommend tapering by no more than 10% of your CURRENT dose each month, to limit withdrawal symptoms. E.g. 10mg --> 9mg --> 8.1mg --> 7.29mg

 

All the answers you are looking for regarding tapering and antidepressant withdrawal are on this site. Please search around and continue to read as much as you can manage. Use the site search function to search for specific words or phrases, such as drugs or symptoms.

 

Here are a few of the most useful links:

 

--------Important topics in the Tapering forum and FAQ--------

 

Micro tapering

 

Why taper by 10% of my dosage?

 

Taking multiple psych drugs? Which drug to taper first?

 

How to make a liquid from tablets or capsules

 

Using a scale to weigh and measure doses

 

--------From the Symptoms and Self-Care Forums--------
 
What is withdrawal syndrome?
 
About reinstating and stabilizing to reduce withdrawal symptoms
 
The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

Hypersensitivity and Kindling

 

We only recommend two supplements. Omega 3 Fish Oil and Magnesium. Both should be introduced separately and increased slowly.

 

Regards

Erimus