Cfgwb: insomnia since march 2024, lots different meds Help!!!!!

[Catwoman73]

We've already discussed it- you can choose to try a small updose if you wish.  It's entirely your choice. 

 

Thinking that you are alone is catastrophic thinking- there's a whole community of people here who understand exactly what you are going through, if you wanted to engage with others on this site.  Thinking that you've messed yourself up and will never heal is catastrophic thinking as well- we have pages and pages and pages of success stories on this site of people who have healed, many in your condition or worse.  Catastrophic thinking is likely, at least in part, what is making you feel worse every day.  

 

Guilt and fear are normal feelings that most of us go through.  You need to work on giving yourself some grace- we all make the best decisions we can at the time, with the information we have.  Blaming yourself is not going to help. 

 

Dealing With Emotional Spirals 

Shame, guilt, regret, and self-criticism

 

I know how brutal dealing with daily anxiety can be, but you absolutely have to keep working at it.  You have more control over your reactions to what is happening to you than you are giving yourself credit for. 

 

Ways to cope with daily anxiety

 

Be patient- healing will happen!

[cfgwb]

Thank you @Catwoman73

I have the opportunity to see a sleep therapist (alternative practitioner). Can you imagine that something like that would help with withdrawal?

 

From Angie Peacock's videos I hear that you have to train your brain to sleep again. I do yoga nidra in the evenings for that reason...I can't get any further on my own.

 

Could I give it a try? Or is that nonsense?

 

Sure, she'll probably want to tell me stuff about anxiety and brooding, as if I had a "normal mental disorder"...but maybe there's something useful?

 

 

And i do not do a change on mirtazapin.. every change i made the last months and weeks made everything worse...tooo afraid

 

[Catwoman73]

7 hours ago, cfgwb said:

Thank you @Catwoman73

I have the opportunity to see a sleep therapist (alternative practitioner). Can you imagine that something like that would help with withdrawal?

 

From Angie Peacock's videos I hear that you have to train your brain to sleep again. I do yoga nidra in the evenings for that reason...I can't get any further on my own.

 

Could I give it a try? Or is that nonsense?

 

Sure, she'll probably want to tell me stuff about anxiety and brooding, as if I had a "normal mental disorder"...but maybe there's something useful?

 

 

And i do not do a change on mirtazapin.. every change i made the last months and weeks made everything worse...tooo afraid

 

 

I think sleep therapists fall into the category of can't hurt, might help!  I would give it a shot, if I were you. 

 

And even if she does talk about anxiety and brooding, she's not wrong.  Learning to manage your anxiety absolutely will help you through this journey.  From what I've been able to learn, sleep therapists do use a lot of cognitive behavioural techniques to help with this, so it may very well prove useful to you.  I'd say it's worth a shot!

[cfgwb]

The worst night so far. Last night I only took 100mg of magnesium and melatonin. No homoepathic... nothing else taken overnight.

 

Maybe I dozed superficially for between 1 and 3 for some minutes. Maybe. I also got my period, I'm bleeding a lot. And that with ferritin of 10. I don't dare take iron, but at some point it will definitely be dangerous. I'm eating a lot of white meat at the moment (I was actually a vegetarian) and hope to get iron that way.

 

Iron deficiency will definitely make everything worse. But I don't want any triggers.

 

I'm so hopeless and desperate.

[cfgwb]

My body is so incredibly tense. I don't know how to carry on. I can't sit or lie down during the day because I'm so scared when I'm alone. With my parents for a few minutes. But it's not a permanent condition...I obviously can't calm down at all during the day. Logically, it doesn't work at night either, even if I'm not going through withdrawal...but I can't manage it any other way. I don't know what to do.

It's so bad. I feel like I've failed. 1. With the medication and 2. Because I can't manage non-medicinal methods.

It's all escalating so much. My body can't heal like this...I don't know what to do anymore.

Help.

Clinic? But then I can just take the medication at home.

What's the point? I've lost hope.

Such tension, such a tortured body and mind...I'm too broken

[cfgwb]

I just can't imagine that I can stabilize myself... I did everything too quickly and in too much confusion.

And my sleep got worse and worse, so that there's practically nothing left. At least I can lie down for a while. At least that.

I hope that doesn't go away too.

My body and mind are sooooo incredibly tense. I can't believe what happened to me. It's so bad every day. How is it supposed to get better if my sleep gets worse instead of better? Every muscle is so tense. The yoga nidra in the evening... I can hardly manage it anymore. Relaxing the body parts. Almost impossible...

Please can someone encourage me...

[cfgwb]

I'm so terribly afraid that soon there will be nothing left of me and my life. Help, what am I supposed to do on my own? I can't do it. Then I'll end up in a psychiatric hospital...

What are they doing to me there...

What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to relax? I'm so scared. I can't do this anymore. Really

[cfgwb]

Can anyone explain to me why it's getting worse?

Is it because of the mirtazapine reductions or? I've still taken the withdrawals to the next level...I don't know how I'm supposed to cope with this? My body needs rest and sleep and relaxation...that's what I was told again last night. I can't suppress it anymore. It was OK until then...I'm so scared

Help, it's going to get bad again tonight

I'm so scared. Should I go back up on mirtazapine? I'm so scared of that too....

Oh man

What's going on

What's become of me

[cfgwb]

 I am so infinitely lonely

[cfgwb]

Every night that gets worse makes my restlessness even worse the next day. I don't know how to carry on.

My sleep is destroyed. This is not a sleep disorder...this is the destruction of my ability to sleep. I am so exhausted. I don't know what to do. Not for a second. Afraid of the night.

[cfgwb]

When will my body collapse?

[cfgwb]

Hello. My pulse is getting higher and higher... I don't know what I can do if I can't go on?

 

My feet hurt so much. They're about to explode... I can't feel much of them anymore...

 

Help

[Jakeblack14]

Hey @cfgwb - Sorry you are going through all of this. I can see there are a lot of replies in succession, so I can say a couple things right off the bat. You're body is not going to collapse. How often have you been reducing/what dosage have you been reducing? You're body is sorting things out as best it can, you are experiencing severe withdrawal resulting in some panic episodes from restlessness. I would consider taking a look at this post as it seems like it may be beneficial in your current situation: 

Its very uncomfortable, this process is arduous, but you will get through it. Looks like you are already taking Magnesium. 
You are experiencing a panic attach at this moment from what I can read, take a few really large and slow breaths, I have been where you are and I need you to listen carefully. Panic attacks are not dangerous, they sure do feel like it, you are going to be alright. When was the last time you drank water, get to a source of water and have atleast 8-10 oz

[cfgwb]

Hi @Jakeblack14

 

Thank you for your message. I don't know, I don't think I'm having a panic attack... I'm just afraid of losing my life and my family because of withdrawal.

I reduced the mirtazapine, which I was taking because of withdrawal-related sleep disorders, too quickly... now my sleep is getting worse every night. I can't even fall asleep anymore.

I don't know what to do. It's been bad for a long time. I think my sleep is ruined.

[Jakeblack14]

16 minutes ago, cfgwb said:

Hello. My pulse is getting higher and higher... I don't know what I can do if I can't go on?

 

My feet hurt so much. They're about to explode... I can't feel much of them anymore...

 

Help

Got it, forgive my jumping to conclusions as this post here pointed me to that. 

Have you considered taking a look at the post I referenced above? It may be a situation in which a very small up dose is needed as you stabilize. Please note, I am not a doctor, so I can only give recommendations as to what has worked for me, but I see you are taking Magnesium Glycinate at 100mg. I take 1000mg per night which is the equivalent of about 15% of elemental Magnesium and 35% of the daily value of magnesium. It may be worth looking into and trying a small increase to see how it affects you as I find it really helps with my sleep. I sometimes separate it out throughout the day on bad withdrawal days. 

[cfgwb]

Hi @Jakeblack14

 

Thanks

yes, I know the article... I don't dare to increase the dose anymore. The last attempt gave me PSSD. I hope I can stabilize myself this way. I hope so.

 

I had already taken 250mg of magnesium glycinate. I also took another tablet at night. Have you also taken something at night? Or do you take the full amount in the evening? If I take more magnesium, I get diarrhea... that's the problem.

 

I read that you're on a keto diet? 100%? What does it do for you?

[cfgwb]

@Catwoman73i am so desparate...why is it getting worse? Can too low iron level result in high heart rate?

[cfgwb]

@Catwoman73can I take some ibuprofen when pain from Menstruation are too much?

 

[Jakeblack14]

1 hour ago, cfgwb said:

Have you also taken something at night? Or do you take the full amount in the evening?

That is what I take at night, sometimes I take up to 2000mg in a 24 hour period. But normally its 1000mg at bed time. 
 

 

1 hour ago, cfgwb said:

I read that you're on a keto diet? 100%? What does it do for you?

I am not on Keto 100%, I tend to lean fasting and a Keto diet in a wave, helps settle the symptoms a whole lot. I have a theory that a lot of my symptoms come with some inflammation in the brain and a Keto diet helps limit that inflammation. Outside of a wave I have no dietary restrictions other than eating right. 

[KenA]

Hey There,

Just wanted to stop by and offer a few words of encouragement. Sounds like you are stuck in that awful insomnia cycle where worrying about the insomnia is leading to and causing the insomnia to take place. The way I found to break the cycle was to stop worrying about the insomnia and just live my life as best as I could. I learned that the insomnia wasn't going to kill me and that my brain would take micro naps as needed. Once I learned that, I was able to stop worrying so much about having it. Also, I would turn it into a positive thing. On insomnia nights, I would just stay up and watch old movies and went back through my DVD collection. Half the time I would end up falling asleep because I stopped trying to fall asleep. Just see it as a way your brain is using the extra time to get some healing accomplished. You have to just try and relax as much as possible and wait for it to fade away. Mine did, and now I sleep amazing. Hang in there, it gets better.

 

Ken

[cfgwb]

Thanks @KenA

 

I understand what you're saying...I just don't know if it will work for me because I can't watch TV and I can't seem to fall asleep naturally. 

 

What I get as "sleep" doesn't feel like sleep at all...Was that the case for you too? Or was it still like "your real sleep" just too little and interrupted?

 

[KenA]

Completely understandable. Then maybe you can find a craft or a hobby that can occupy the time. Maybe work on some puzzles. Or crosswords. Anything to make the time pass. One thing that always helped me as well, I love watching the show Survivorman. And when he would have a long night where he couldn't get any sleep, he would say "Close your eyes and wait for the morning" So some nights I would do just that. Just lay there in the dark with my eyes closed and just wait. This truly is a waiting game. Time is the only thing that truly heals us, so learning how to be patient is a game changer. That comes with the acceptance part of this. Accepting that what is happening to you is necessary for your healing. Trusting that your body and CNS know how to heal. I completely understand waking up and not feeling rested. I think is has a lot to do with the cortisol surges we start getting around 3am. I know I would wake up sometimes at 7am in a dead panic because of the cortisol bursts. Nothing you can do but wait for them to pass. Just have to keep giving it time. Natural sleep will return over time. For me it was very very slow and small improvements. I would get 2-3 nights of maybe 3-4 hours. Then it would improve to 3-4 nights of 4-5 hours. Then up and up from there. Just slow improvements that took months to accomplish. Probably over a year or more before I felt healed from the insomnia. But we all heal differently so you may heal in a different pattern than I did. No matter what though, just keep hanging in there and trust the healing process. You've got this!

[cfgwb]

Thanks @KenA

[cfgwb]

Hello

I can't feel any emotions, especially not joy = anhedonia. Sometimes I feel like my face can't laugh, even when I try to smile it looks weird. Will that go away at some point? At least when I cuddle the neighbor's dog something happens to my face, I can't help but smile involuntarily, but I don't feel like I used to.

some people around me can't stand the expression on my face anymore, they says I should at least smile so that it can get better. Does "smiling anyway" help with anhedonia? As training, so to speak? It feels so wrong...but would it be helpful to practice smiling?

[cfgwb]

I can't imagine that it will get better for me...I don't know how it will get better with a little bit of superficial sleep...I have no idea

I'm also worried about my feet. That they will suffer permanent damage from walking. They hurt and are swollen, I can hardly feel anything anymore.

I keep thinking about whether I should start the escitalopram dose again at 0.05 or 0.01

But that's nonsense I think. Because of mirtazapine.

What a load of crap.

I'm so afraid that it will never get better.

I can hardly get through the days.

I can't do much, nothing makes sense without emotions.

Are you sure it can get better?

Best wishes

[cfgwb]

Am I preventing or delaying homeostasis because I walk around all day?

 

Should I do it differently? I can hardly...

[KenA]

Walking is a good activity. I used to go for long walks every day to calm my anxiety after work. I would come home tired and it would help me rest easier. 

[KenA]

9 hours ago, cfgwb said:

I can't imagine that it will get better for me...I don't know how it will get better with a little bit of superficial sleep...I have no idea

I'm also worried about my feet. That they will suffer permanent damage from walking. They hurt and are swollen, I can hardly feel anything anymore.

I keep thinking about whether I should start the escitalopram dose again at 0.05 or 0.01

But that's nonsense I think. Because of mirtazapine.

What a load of crap.

I'm so afraid that it will never get better.

I can hardly get through the days.

I can't do much, nothing makes sense without emotions.

Are you sure it can get better?

Best wishes

It will get better. Just have to keep giving it time.

[cfgwb]

19 hours ago, KenA said:

It will get better. Just have to keep giving it time.

I hope you are right. I am afraid that I will get crazy because of Lack of sleep. But this wont happen right?

[KenA]

No, you may have a hard time concentrating during the day and be extremely tired all the time, but you won't go crazy. There is a saying that only crazy people don't know they are crazy. If someone is questioning if they are crazy, then they are not because crazy people don't know their crazy   Just hang in there This too shall pass!

[Cassidyamerica]

Hi! The exact same thing happened to me! I was on Remeron/mirtazapine in January 2023 for about 3 or 4 weeks for depression! I tapered off in in less than a week because I was frustrated and it was not helping. I have not slept since then! I have had severe insomnia, and not slept at all most nights since then! It was has been a living hell. I was struggling greatly and I attempted suicide last year, also dropped our of college. I thought I was going to die as well. 

However, I have not died. Though just a week ago I slept 5 hours in 3 days. I am still alive and working on healing through seeing alternative doctors who don't just try to put me on more medications. I'm using a device called the Amp Coil that you can use with an alternative doctor and it balances the nervous system. I was also on 10+ medications for years before the Remeron, so my body was really screwed up from medication and medication changes every year. 

I have done lots of meditations and Yoga Nidra! See an alternative doctor and get lab tests ran! It's possible your thyroid is not working, which is a common side effect of SSRIs!! Get it tested!

Take vitamin D and test your vitamin levels! There is a lot that goes into the process of sleep in the body.

Remeron is one of the worst and strongest medications I have been told :(. Taking it has been one of the worst mistakes in my entire life. I am so sorry for you. 

Don't give up!! You won't have to suffer as long as me!!! 

[cfgwb]

13 hours ago, KenA said:

be extremely tired all the time,

I am not tired anymore what is this? I am so afraid to Lose everything 

[Cassidyamerica]

it’s ok to be scared, but don’t let that emotion overwhelm your logical side. 

You are strong!! You can survive!!

And even if you hypothetically lose a lot, you for sure could get it back!! People recover from things all the time. You are just a fighter right now in a really terrible spot. If you feel you have to, I would go to the ER, get anxiety medication or just some company because the insomnia psychosis is very real and it can make it extremely hard to be alone especially at night when you just want to fall asleep but you can’t. That’s when I tend to lose my ****… 😓

 

[cfgwb]

I started today with a few milliliters of floradix iron because I'm very worried about the ferritin level and iron deficiency also affects sleep. If I try very slowly, maybe it will work. Maybe it will even be positive for me, who knows...
When I took the iron tablets, I felt better but that was also before the mirtazapine up and down action... I have no idea.

[cfgwb]

I can't imagine that my body can heal after everything that was done to it with medication.

And I can hardly give it any sleep. Only superficially, constantly dreaming, urinating huge amounts. It's really bad... I don't know how long my body can handle it.

I've seen pictures of myself from 2016, 2017, 2018, how healthy and fit I was then. If this sh*tty psychiatry hadn't stuffed me full in 2021, I would now be healthy, fit and blessed with the best life. It's making me crazy to imagine what was taken from me!!! And is taken from me every day. My best years. I can't handle it...

[Cassidyamerica]

Oh honey I feel the exact same 😓😤😳. I’ve been without sleep for a bittt, and most of my life I’ve been on medications and having the side effects. I spent more than a year in rehabs/hospitals. I’m only 23 and I’ve had to drop out of college because I was in the hospital so much last year. I’ve missed out on social life, dating, traveling, school,  everything basically 😓

YOU AREN’T ALONE! 

We are in this together! 

It is SO possible that you could get better? or at the very least improve a little bit and then keep improving a bit every few months until you’re better !!! Other people have done it! Why would we be the exception?

I have to believe we aren’t. 

And that this isn’t forever. Otherwise, the last two years that I’ve survived without sleep would be for nothing…