LvngMnts: Rebuilding life and mind after years of being put on drugs - Tegretol/Citalopram/Sertraline/Elvanse/Valium/Zolpidem

[LvngMnts]

Hi Everyone, here's a summary of my history to introduce myself.

 

At age 5 I suffered an extremely bad fever that put me in the hospital, about a month after that, I started having Temporal Lobe seizures when sleeping. Once I was diagnosed with Epilepsy, I was put on Tegretol (unknown dose). I've also been informed by a family member I was briefly put on Prozac for some reason, but was taken off it after a bad reaction.

 

For most of my childhood and early teens, I was both a happy and sociable kid and straight A student who was in an advanced class and a year ahead of my age in learning ability.

 

In my teens, we moved countries and I struggled with depression and school attendance for understandable reasons (I was being bullied at school and at home had to dodge my father's uncontrolled rages), rather than do anything about this, I was taken to psychiatrists who told me the problem was that my brain had a chemical imbalance and placed me on Citalopram (30mg).

 

My performance at school continued to decline. I lost my passion for learning, felt emotionally blunted, brain foggy, and felt flat and empty much of the time. After a year or so of this I was taken to yet more Psychiatrists, who rather than point out the side effects of the drugs I was taking, told me the problem was that my brain had a different chemical imbalance called ADHD and put me on Ritalin.

 

Side effects from Ritalin included nausea, impulsivity, mood swings, lowered appetite, and crashes. I lost 20kg or so in a few months, and over the years have survived repeated violent experiences (I didn't start them, but the side effects made me bad at defusing situations).

 

Kept on these drugs for years, despite what I now realise were increasingly severe side effects including a destroyed digestive system, impulsivity, memory gaps, brain fog, fatigue, mood swings, emotional blunting, difficulty experiencing physical pleasure, increasing anhedonia, skin issues, lack of sex drive, substance cravings, insomnia, and more.

 

After turning 30 I was suffering from the after-effects of being brutally assaulted by a group of people (I'm LGBT and was attacked for wearing drag), moved countries and had the new medical system decide to change all my prescriptions around, was told the new drugs (sertraline, Lamictal, eventually Elvanse) were all 'better' than my previous drugs and would eliminate all side effects.

They were not, I now had simultaneous side effects and withdrawal effects. I lived in a nightmare, I could barely get anything done, I was constantly in danger of losing every job I had. I could barely sleep, had shooting electric pains, felt constantly panicky, fatigued, confused, and brain fogged, I began to develop a drinking problem at this time as well (I would later learn that SSRI's can contribute to this). I was given short courses of Valium and Zolpidem a couple of times during this period as well, which tended to make me feel completely braindead and suicidal.

Things got even worse when I was switched from Ritalin to Elvanse, with the doctor apparently ignoring the big warning that it shouldn't be given to anyone with a history of epilepsy. I began to experience a ramping up of obsessive, weird moods and thoughts, culminating in a full on psychotic episode during the lockdowns, where I became convinced that god was telling me if I killed myself the pandemic would end.

 

I stopped taking the Elvanse and tried to reach out to the psychiatrist who'd prescribed me. He refused to see me, had me removed from his practice's register and wrote in my medical records that I had fully recovered and needed no support, cutting me off from any therapy or non-drug support.

 

After reading more into the drugs and their side effects/lack of effectiveness, I decided to taper off my other medications, the sertraline withdrawal was particularly nightmarish and prolonged. I experienced even more intense versions of when I switched meds, plus constant crying and an inability to regulate or supress my moods, which were overwhelming.

I went back on Ritalin for another year because I couldn't complete any work/study without it while tapering/withdrawing from the other drugs, I have since tapered off that too.

 

Leftover effects are that I am now having to build up my ability to regulate emotions, especially anger and anxiety, from the ground up, after living for years with severe emotional blunting. I also have a terrible digestive system, skin problems, and problems with anhedonia, exhaustion and brain fog. My creativity used to be through the roof and it feels completely dead after so many years of damage. I'm trying to learn what kind of person I am, and piece a life together. What's worse is that my parents are quite controlling and very obsessively aligned with Psychiatry, they have spent most of my life trying to convince me I have a new psychiatric disorder every 6-12 months. Recently, they tried to coerce me into going to a clinic and getting an ADHD/Autism diagnosis and going back on drugs, which was the last straw. I had to threaten to cut off all contact with them indefinitely before they'd back off.

 

I'm really happy I found this place, as I often feel quite alone in my experiences. My (now former) social circles/scenes are very pro psychiatry and pro drugs of all kinds, prescribed or not. They've all become convinced that they're 'neurodivergent' and they're all hooked on stimulants, with a bunch of them on neuroeleptics and SSRI's, they're quite aggressive about trying to diagnose anyone they meet as Autistic/ADHD and convince them to do drugs, and get very angry when you bring up any issues with Psychiatry, between that and their own worsening behaviour (some really heinous lying, manipulation, emotional abuse and other things) I've had to dissolve 90% of my social life and start anew.

 

These days I'm working on meditation, journalling, grounding/soothing exercises, a LOT of sports and exercise, and sobriety. I still experience really bad attacks of anxiety and sometimes anger (especially when psychiatry and psychiatric pseudoscience come up), and while I've started drawing again, I haven't been able to work on any real creative projects.

[LotusRising]

Hi @LvngMnts

 

Welcome to SA, glad you found us.

 

It sounds like you've been on a rollercoaster of both medications and emotions. 

 

On 9/2/2024 at 2:45 AM, LvngMnts said:

These days I'm working on meditation, journalling, grounding/soothing exercises, a LOT of sports and exercise, and sobriety.

It sounds like you're doing all the right things. I would encourage you to continue. The creativity will come back in time.

 

On 9/2/2024 at 2:45 AM, LvngMnts said:

I still experience really bad attacks of anxiety

Have you had a chance to look at our Symptoms and Self-care area? You might find some useful strategies, if you don't already have some.

 

On 9/2/2024 at 2:45 AM, LvngMnts said:

and sometimes anger (especially when psychiatry and psychiatric pseudoscience come up)

Yes, I think a lot of us feel angry on and off after realizing these drugs are not what we thought they were. Although the emotion pops up from time to time, my own anger has diminished with time. 

 

I hope you find some good resource on our site. Feel free to reach out

 

Lotus Rising