Rook: 200mg Sertraline for almost 20 years

[Rook]

Hello all,

My story begins with a very troubled childhood.  I'm sorry to all of us who have gone through that.
I was unbelievably lucky to have met the love of my life in college.  We were close, loved one another deeply.
We were married in 2004.  Unfortunately, my troubled past was never resolved and I caused our relationship to break down.
It was my fault.  I was heartbroken and my mind wouldn't stop racing.  In 2005, I was perscribed sertraline to help with the racing thoughts, anxiety, depression and PTSD.
At first, it was 25mg.  When I told the psychiatrist that my mind was still racing, it was bumped to 50mg, then 100mg and finally, the max daily dose of 200mg.
I saw a therapist who helped me reframe my past and turn over a new leaf.  I was still on the sertraline.

I was the luckiest man in the world, a few years later, my wife and I reconnected, and got married again.
We had our first child a year later.  We bought our dream home, in our dream neighborhood.  

All throughout the years, I've always had a troubled mind, thinking thoughts that made me sad, made me doubt myself.
I've always wanted to feel different, I couldn't feel love like I remember as a child.

In 2021, I went off of sertraline cold turkey.  A few months later, I was in the darkest of places.  My wife convinced me to see my doctor for help, I did, he started me back on 

sertraline again.  I told him I couldn't feel happy, didn't feel right, even on the max dose of sertraline.  I asked if there was any other medication that could help with happiness.
He perscribed wellbutrin.  I have to say, the first day I took it, I noticed my spirits lifted.  Honestly, after that, I didn't feel anything, unless I bumped up the dose here/there.

In 2023, I wanted to try again, this time, using tapering.  Over the next 12 months, I reduced the amount of Sertraline by about 10% per month, while beginning to take micro doses of mushrooms.

The lowest amount I went down to was the 12.5mg (one half of 25mg pill) for about a month or two before I stopped.  I knew nothing of hyperbolic tapering.  At that point, I was completely off of 

sertraline and wellbutrin, just taking the micro doses of mushrooms every day.  I felt no changes.  Not happier, not sadder, nothing different.  I was disappointed, thinking I'd start feeling more emotions.
Soon thereafter, I started bouts of emotional, sad crying.  I would cry often, mostly thinking about how fast time was going by, and how I wasn't the person I wanted to be for my family.  After a few weeks of that, 
I started having panic attacks which I'd never had before in my life.  They began with one or two a day, but started becoming more frequent.  I wish I went to a therapist or a reputable institution for help, but instead, 
I was assisted by an underground mushroom healer.  Right before taking my macrodose, I was crying.  The experience was extremely hard to describe, both amazing and terrifying.  Afterwards, I felt ok, but out of it for the next

few days.  Then, the 24 hour panic attacks started.  It was the most difficult thing I've ever experienced.  All day panic attacks and I was unable to sleep for about 3 weeks.  I was losing touch with reality, very nearly

ended up in the ER.  At that point, I restarted sertraline and wellbutrin.  I had hopes of trying MDMA therapy or Ketamine or other forms of treatment, which is partily why I wanted to get off of the medicine.  When I was off 

of it, I felt very sad, maybe a 3 out of 10.  I wasn't having racing thoughts, I wasn't anxious or scared, just sad.

 

I was just about to try MDMA therapy but held off because I didn't feel a strong connection with the people offering it.
I've been seeing a therapist for a few months now, she's nice, trying to help, but I feel like I need a restart of my brain.  I'm not sure any talk therapy is going to work, not trying to be negative, I just know my mind.
People have suggested dual sympathetic reset, transcranial magnetic stimulation, and Ketamine.  I'm open to anything, but I don't know what would be best for me.
I'm reaching out to a new psychiatrist, that's well versed in western medicine as well as psychedelics to see if they can help guide me.

I'd love to try a hyperbolic taper, it will take a while, but I feel like it will be the best chance I have in getting off these medications.  
More than anything, I want to feel love again.  Feel empathy, feel something.  When you hug your loved ones, it's supposed to feel good, right?  

 

2005–2021 sertraline 200mg
2021 Jul stopped taking sertraline cold turkey 
2021 Nov very dark days, saved by my wife, started back on sertraline 200mg and wellbutrin 100mg
2023 sertraline slow taper ~10%/month for about a year, microdosing mushrooms to replace sertraline
2024 Mar started crying often, then panic attacks
2024 Apr took macrodose of mushrooms

2024 Apr almost no sleep for 3 weeks, mind racing, 24 hour panic attacks, almost ended up in ER

2024 May restarted sertraline 25mg and wellbutrin 100mg

2024 June slowly increased sertraline back to 200mg

[LotusRising]

Hi @Rook,

 

Welcome to SA,

 

Thank you for creating a signature. 

 

How are you feeling since reinstating both wellbutrin and sertraline?

 

On 9/3/2024 at 2:21 PM, Rook said:

People have suggested dual sympathetic reset, transcranial magnetic stimulation, and Ketamine.  I'm open to anything, but I don't know what would be best for me.

 

If it were me, I would wait for symptoms to stabilize before trying any of the above. You might also do a search of the site of these 3 treatments. People seem to have mixed results from all of them. 

 

On 9/3/2024 at 2:21 PM, Rook said:

More than anything, I want to feel love again.  Feel empathy, feel something.  When you hug your loved ones, it's supposed to feel good, right?  

This can happen for you, but it takes time for emotions to regulate again.

 

What information would you like from us? Have you read about hyperbolic tapering on our site?

 

You might the below thread helpful too.

 

Please let us know what else we can help with.

 

LotusRising

[Rook]

Hello LotusRising, thank you for your kindness.

 

I’m feeling better after restarting my medications.  Prior to doing so, I’d say I was a 2 out of 10 in terms of happiness.  I’d say I’m now a 5.  Oddly though, I’m unable to sleep.  I’ve been awake most of the night for the past two nights.  I was prescribed seroquel to help with sleep a few months ago, and at the time, it help.  Eventually, I needed more and more to fall asleep.  I’ve gradually reduced the amount to a few pills or even one, but it doesn’t seem to work.  I’ve tried going off them entirely (past two nights) with no success.

 

Honestly, I happened upon a video from Mark Horowitz where he describes his difficulties tapering from his medication and how he learned about hyperbolic tapering online.  That was such an eye opener for me.  It makes sense, and I’m encouraged to try that when I feel it’s the right time.

 

Currently, my goal is to start getting sleep.  The last time I went an extended period with little/no sleep I started having major issues.  I plan on exercising more and using the sauna.  I can’t even sleep during the daytime, when I’m physically and mentally tired.  
 

After getting some sleep, I would like to figure out what my next steps are.  I don’t want to continue down the same path I have been in life, with little/no feelings.  I’m working with someone regarding my mental health, we are supposed to try emdr next week.  I know I’m being naive, but I feel like I need something “stronger” to help me heal.  I have been extremely excited about MDMA, with the thought of having my mind reconnect with my heart.  I’m honestly open to anything, I want to feel like myself, to love myself, to feel real/whole with my family.

[LotusRising]

53 minutes ago, Rook said:

I’ve been awake most of the night for the past two nights.

How long have you been back at your full doses of both medications?

 

What time do you take them?

 

56 minutes ago, Rook said:

I was prescribed seroquel to help with sleep a few months ago, and at the time, it help.  Eventually, I needed more and more to fall asleep.  I’ve gradually reduced the amount to a few pills or even one, but it doesn’t seem to work.  I’ve tried going off them entirely (past two nights) with no success.

 

How much seroquel do you take? Could you please add it to your signature?