Yayamem: All time low, need help

[Yayamem]

Okey guys, Im reaching out for help for the first time in this. Im protracted 3,5 years out after 2,5 years of ssri-use. Im in a place where a lot of things are better, they truly are but the waves are as bad as ever. Just hade one for a month, not sure if im out, probably not but Im hitting rock bottom. I just cant make myself do this anymore. Im done. No resilience. Usuually I can distance myself and force myself forward. But i cant this time. I think it has to do with that i really hoped and sonewhat ecpected that I would feel better by now. Im trapped in more or less constant dpdr, have had akathisia now non stop for 3 weeks. Im hammered. I dont know what im supposed to do. I cant live like this. Sorry for the negativity but I really need some help. 

[Catwoman73]

Hi @Yayamem, and welcome to SA!  We are a community of volunteers providing peer support in the tapering of psychiatric medications, and their associated withdrawal syndromes.  

 

Thank you for completing your drug signature.  I'm so sorry for your ongoing suffering.  I've been where you are- seven years of protracted withdrawal with my last cold turkey stop.  It's not an easy journey. Please don't apologize for the negativity- there's nothing remotely fun about this journey, and it's hard not to feel hopeless.  

 

It looks like you tapered very quickly, which does put you at risk for protracted withdrawal.  As you may have discovered, here at SA, we recommend tapering at a rate of no more than 10% of your current dose, no more often than every four weeks (so, as an example, 10mg, 9mg, 8.1mg, 7.3mg and so on).  This is known as hyperbolic tapering, and is designed to minimize acute withdrawal symptoms, and minimize the risk of protracted withdrawal by giving the nervous system time to undo all the biochemical and genetic changes that have occurred as a result of the presence of the drug.  The nervous system is a notoriously slow healer.  You can read more about hyperbolic tapering here:

 

Why taper by 10% of my dosage?

 

Since you have been off your meds for so long, reinstatement is not really an option for you.  The good news is that you will heal.  I did once before.  It took 7 years, but it did happen!  And if you are having windows and waves, that's a great sign.  You are well on your way... I know it doesn't feel like it when the waves hit, but it's true- you are healing, whether you feel like you are or not.  

 

I'm a big believer in controlling what you can, and learning radical acceptance for the rest of it.  You are in protracted withdrawal, but there are some things you can do to help yourself along.  Some of it is intuitive.  Eat a balanced, whole foods diet, stay very well hydrated (this was huge for me), engage in gentle exercise, and get as much rest/sleep as you can.  Avoid all neurologically active substances, such as caffeine, nicotine, alcohol and recreational drugs.  These things are like pouring gasoline on a fire- they typically make things much worse.  And don't take any other psychiatric medications to deal with the withdrawal effects of psychiatric medications- when in withdrawal, the effects of these meds are not predictable, and can make you feel worse rather than better.  

 

In terms of supplements, we only recommend two around here- magnesium, and omega-3 fatty acids.  Do be mindful though- when in withdrawal, it is very common to develop hypersensitivities to all sorts of things- medications, supplements, and even foods!  So if you wish to try a supplement, even those we recommend here, start with a very low dose, and see how you fare.  You can always increase slowly over time, if you tolerate it.  

 

I have found it very helpful to keep a symptom journal, and include information on the foods I eat and the activities that I participate in.  This has helped me identify several things that do trigger waves.  Not all waves have triggers- sometimes they just happen- but many people do have things that trigger them. Figuring this out can make the journey easier, by allowing you to avoid your triggers.  For me, symptoms are triggered by coffee (even decaf), chamomile, refined sugar in even moderate amounts (tiny amounts seem ok), intense exercise, and magnesium (yes, it's supposed to relax you, but it causes brain zaps and insomnia for me).  I never would have figured this out without my journal. You can use the following list of typical withdrawal symptoms as a template for a journal if you wish.  Starting a journal and figuring this stuff out is definitely helpful in taking your power back, to the degree that we can.  Control what you can, right?

 

Daily Checklist of Antidepressant Withdrawal Symptoms (PDF) 

 

I'm not sure what kind of symptoms you are having with your waves, but we have lots of threads here on non-drug coping mechanisms.  I'll link some below.  It's really important to develop some strong habits to support your nervous system throughout this process.  For me, developing a daily mindfulness practice has been hugely helpful in preventing emotional spirals.  Using guided meditation/yoga Nidra, recordings of nature sounds helps calm my nervous system at night, and fosters a good sleep environment.  I do a LOT of deep breathing, and use mantras to get through the bad times minute by minute.  I have taught myself to recognize the negative thinking behind the negative emotions, and I've learned to challenge and replace those thoughts.  This helps to rewire the brain to have a more positive outlook.  And when all else fails, I love a good old fashioned distraction... find things that bring you joy (or things that once brought you joy), and do them regularly when you're feeling rough.  I love watching different series on Netflix, swimming (I feel great in water!), dancing, cooking and working on all sorts of artistic projects.  When I'm focused on these activities, I can't be focused on my symptoms, or ruminate about how long this is all taking.

 

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

 Easing your way into meditation for a stressed-out nervous system

Music for self-care: calms hyperalertness, anxiety, aids relaxation and sleep

Ways to cope with daily anxiety

"Change the channel" - dealing with cognitive symptoms

Dealing With Emotional Spirals

Important topics about symptoms, including sleep problems

The importance of recognizing you're feeling good

Tips to help sleep: so many of us have that awful withdrawal insomnia

Path to Better Sleep FREE online for everyone from the US Veterans Administration

 

Most of all, I really don't want you to lose hope.  If you are having windows and waves, you ARE healing.  I know it's a very long haul, and I know it's hard.  But you will get well from this.  And I have to believe we will all be better people on the other side- more compassionate, more patient, and less willing to tolerate living a life without joy.  You will get there!  I sincerely hope you will take advantage of the peer support model that this site offers, and read and comment on the intro threads of other active members.  This journey is very lonely at times, and you may find some comfort in the knowledge that there are people out here who completely understand.  I will definitely follow your journey, and help out wherever I can. ❤️‍🩹

 

This is your introduction topic.  Each member gets one intro topic.  Please post any updates or questions here, on this thread.  Do explore the rest of the forum though- there's lots of good info here!  And like I said, jump in and participate in the community if you like- it really is beneficial to have the support of those walking the same path as you.

 

[Yayamem]

Thanks so much for your answer 🙏 really. Im so grateful. I know I tapered too fast but didnt have a clue back then. Wouldnt have believed something like this could happen. 

 

This thing with alcohol and nicotine, how is that after withdrawal? Are people able to have it when theyre through? 

 

How did you manage 7 years? Thats amazing. And crazy. 

 

I have all sorts of symptoms but  would say those that bothers me the most is the akathisia, the extreme pain and depression that comes with it, the dpdr, feels like I Walk around in a cartoon very often... Completely disconnected. Dont feel anything good except from tiny moments. Extreme fatigue. A lot of cognitive problems. 

 

[Yayamem]

@Catwoman73, forgot to tag youfor the answer above. 

[KenA]

@Yayamem This month will be my 5 year mark from my CT. I consider myself 99 percent healed at this point. I'm able to enjoy alcohol again when I feel like having a drink. Also able to smoke occasionally as well. They don't affect me negatively at all. You will heal at some point and be back to living a normal life. Just have to let yourself heal and give it the time it needs You've got this!

[Yayamem]

@Catwoman73

@KenA thank you so much for your reply! 🙏🌻 How bad was it for you in the befinning? Did you have akathisia? 

[KenA]

My first 8 months I can only describe as pure torture. I don't like to think back on those days. But it slowly got better with time. That's the secret to this. Time time and more time. I had very very mild akathisia, but when it happened, I would just go for a long walk and wear myself out until it went away. 

[Yayamem]

@KenA allright.. What where your symptoms? Do you remember? 

[KenA]

Over the course of my WD, I probably had more than 20 different symptoms. Big ones were Anxiety and Depression, DP/DR, muscle cramps and spasms, tinnitus, digestive issues, short term memory issues, cortisol bursts, insomnia, headaches, internal itching, skin burning, unable to concentrate. They all went away over time. 

[Yayamem]

@KenA

 

Sounds like the classical ones. Thank you so much for you support. It really means  a lot

[KenA]

Not a problem. Don't hesitate to reach out if needed.

[Yayamem]

Can anyone relate to a deep deep soulcrushing depression - like pain that often pre-exists before  outbursts of akathisia or dystonia? 

[Yayamem]

Hi, also I wonder if anyone developed dystonia late in the process? Ive had a really bad wave for 7 weeks now, and its getting worse. Now I have dystonia - outbursts that I havnt had before. Im 3.5 years out. My beck and torso is pulling and I be d my arms and legs in twisted ways. 

 

Im really scared.