GroundfogDay - Nardil / Phenelzine withdrawal

[GroundfogDay]

Hi all, this community has truly been a god send in a very dark time for myself.

 

I am a 30 yr old male from the UK and in June 2023 I experienced a huge crash whilst tapering off Phenelzine.

 

I originally started medication for situational anxiety which was controlling parts of my life. I went to the GP who put me on SSRIs, but none seemed to help. Rather than working on accepting my anxiety, I felt more and more desperate to "fix" it.

I took the advice of kind folk online and ended up with a private psychiatrist who prescribed a much stronger drug called phenelzine (an MAOI). I was on the highest dose (90mg) for a couple of years and life was better than ever; great job, great relationship, bought a house and had gotten a dog. Plus I had overcome a lot of past fears and anxieties that were holding me back.

The downside was that I had gained over 20kg (40lbs) and couldn't shift it, my blood pressure was dangerously low, and I had all kinds of other side effects like anorgasmia and jerks in my sleep. This was all taking a serious toll so I decided to taper down and try life med-free!

Dropping a dose every 8 weeks resulted in very few withdrawal symptoms, and everything felt very safe and controlled. Once I reached the original starting dose of 45mg, I realised all my side effects had disappeared. I thought the drug was no longer working, so in May 2023 I quit the drug entirely.

2 weeks later I was experiencing a lot of anxiety and after 4 weeks I felt like I was in another world. I couldn't think straight and felt this unimaginable fear. Everything got too much and I came very close to ending my life. Thankfully I was able to stop working and try to reinstate the drug. I managed to feel a bit better, but nothing like before. I knew then that the drug was the problem and I needed to heal fully, so I tapered again, but couldn't tolerate the withdrawal. Thinking I should just rip the bandaid off, I quit cold-turkey from 45mg again in December 2023. This plunged me into an even more hopeless place leading me to almost end my life once again.

Unable to even leave the house, I was put onto the work of Dr Mark Horowitz, a psychiatrist who also went through sever withdrawal after prolonged antidepressant use. I scheduled a consultation with him and he explained everything in line with the SA community (I also discovered SA around the same time).

Suddenly I didn't feel so lost. Everything began to make sense. Dr Horowitz described withdrawal like a plant that has grown up a trellis. If you pull the trellis away, it flops over and has to slowly figure out how to grow back up again. This analogy has kept me sane in times of doubt, and helped me explain my situation to others on many occasions.

I am currently 9 months drug-free and have seen some progress in this time. I am experiencing windows and waves, although the "windows" and more like less sever waves. My cognition is still very poor which means I am unable to work, however I am beginning to consider some gentle part time work.

I used to be a project manager and run teams on projects, but now I struggle to work the dishwasher or follow dialogue on TV. This is the symptom I worry about most and pray it improves.

I've been able to socialise more and foolishly learned that alcohol is not a means to overcome social anxiety, it sets my progress back each time I drink.

I've learned to play tennis in this time, but haven't the energy for long-distance running like I used to. I've also managed to learn photography which has also been a godsend.

Truth be told, at 9 months of being off work and still suffering, it has taken a toll on my relationship of 10 years. I fear this will break us and I notice friends and family growing impatient. I think given withdrawal is so rarely reported and overlooked, most people around me think I'm just depressed and anxious, but unwilling to exercise or work. Even when I explain that a specialist (Dr Horowitz) has confirmed protracted withdrawal and experienced it himself, people are quick to forget and make me feel like I'm not doing enough.

I want to thank all the moderators and members for their contributions here. This site is probably keeping more people alive than we realise. It sure made me feel like I'm not crazy and utterly hopeless and has been my beacon of hope on darker days.

I hope my ramble wasn't too long and please let me know if my signature is ok.

[LotusRising]

Hi @GroundfogDay

 

Welcome to SA,

 

Glad you found us. I think we all feel a similar sense of relief (somewhat) in finding a place where our feelings and symptoms are recognized for what they are - withdrawal. I'm sorry your friends and family don't completely understand; this is unfortunately common, but hopefully with more recognition and awareness this will change in time.

 

We have a lot of great information on the site. 

 

Have you read about The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization?

[GroundfogDay]

Hi LotusRising,

 

I have read this section (more than once haha) and it has been a huge help understanding the process and a relief to come back and remind myself I'm not going mad.

 

The quote on the top post about feeling like you will feel unwell forever is so true.

 

I've recently seen some improvement and noticed the windows and waves happening. I felt "normal" for the first time in over a year which has fizzled out since, but into a less severe wave.

 

It feels like a bit of a milestone.