bryman: 6 Weeks on Zoloft, 1 Week on Lexapro, DPDR Upon Stopping

[bryman]

Hello,

 

41/m First time posting here. I apologize if this is the wrong forum for this and am happy to move elsewhere if advised. I should have started here, I would scour Reddit for reassurance and all it did was give me more anxiety. I had a series of panic attacks after an incredibly stressful (traumatic) experience in 2021. I went on Lexapro 10mg which made things arguably worse for about 3 months and then I finally leveled out and got back to (relatively) normal. The only long term side effect I had was earworms, or stuck song syndrome which has actually persisted ever since. It's something I have just accepted as part of my life now.  I tapered very slowly over 6 months and was able to get off of it and lead a normal happy life until 3 months ago when the combination of stress at work, stopping caffeine cold turkey and starting a B-complex supplement gave me multiple panic attacks over several days. I was completely unstable and extremely depressed and anxious. I caught Covid for the first time shortly thereafter which sent me into a tailspin and I decided to get back on SSRIs. My Psych prescribed Zoloft 50mg. It was 6 weeks of hell. I experienced intense anxiety in my whole body, insomnia and intrusive thoughts. Everyone just kept telling me it would get better but it never did so my psychiatrist switched me immediately to Lexapro 5mg which I took for a week and had basically the opposite reaction as the Zoloft. Extreme brain fog, dark intrusive, evil, unfamiliar thoughts. I had had enough and stopped after 7 days cold turkey. So I was on SSRIs for a total of 7 weeks. My first day off the meds I had intense vibrating anxiety and head/eye pressure. It was a horrible day and I can't understate how shocked I am that I made it through. However, I slept beautifully. I woke up today with intense DPDR. It started with me questioning my own thoughts and existence triggering extreme anxiety. Then it almost immediately switched to that 'out of body' experience with severe brain fog almost like my eyes are crossing and I'm in a tunnel.

 

Since today is only my second day off the meds would it be best to just bunker down and push through these symptoms, or should I reinstate maybe 2.5mg of the Lexapro for some time? I should add that I'm taking Fish Oil and Magnesium Threonate. I also have Ativan if needed but try not to take it. 

 

Edit: I should add that I have a deep meditation practice and am worried that will contribute to the DPDR.

[bryman]

I realize this was just posted this morning but curious how quickly a response typically happens. I know you are all real people living real lives so not expecting miracles. Just nervous about getting further out than is safe in order to reinstate if necessary.

 

To summarize the situation. I was on 50mg Zoloft for 6 weeks and had a horrible adverse reaction (activating) to it. Switched immediately to Lexapro 5mg for 1 week. Stopped that CT 2 days ago and am feeling significant withdrawals - brain burning, DPDR, Anxiety, Brain fog, depression. Should I go back to a small dose of Lexapro or push through with no meds?

 

Thank you!

[LotusRising]

Hi @bryman

 

Welcome to SA,

 

On 10/9/2024 at 9:30 AM, bryman said:

Since today is only my second day off the meds would it be best to just bunker down and push through these symptoms, or should I reinstate maybe 2.5mg of the Lexapro for some time?

You've noted a lot of negative symptoms upon starting zoloft, and then lexapro. Were there any benefits at all?

[bryman]

Hi @LotusRising,

 

Over the 6 weeks I took the Zoloft I had maybe 3-4 good days. When I first went up to 50mg I can’t even explain how terrible it was. I just had constant fear like I’ve never experienced before. It was in my whole body. I couldn’t go to the store, or out with friends. I was just vibrating fear. It was a new experience for me because I’d never felt anxiety so viscerally in my body. My normal anxiety was always rumination in my head. I also developed a rash under my upper arm and I became congested to where I needed nasal spray to breathe at night.
 

Conversely, the Lexapro at first made me feel like I was on MDMA. I was grinding my teeth and bouncing off the walls. Then after about 4 days I became very depressed with intrusive thoughts. That’s when I was done with everything. I just wanted it out of my system. 
 

Since my first post a couple days ago the withdrawal symptoms have improved slightly. I still have morning anxiety and a burning sensation in the front of my head. Occasional bouts of dread but, again it has all lessened slightly over a few days. 

[LotusRising]

@bryman

 

Since you didn't really get any good effects from either medication, it seems to be it might be worth sticking it out, especially if you've had some improvement. 

 

Some people become sensitized to these medications when they're on and off them over the years. 

[bryman]

Thanks @LotusRising

 

I have so much empathy for those that are really suffering. I'm optimistic that my symptoms will pass. I can't imagine going through this for years. I love the quote in your signature, it really resonates. 

 

How are you feeling nowadays after your long journey?

[bryman]

Also, I'm obviously worried this won't go away. I'm sitting here with intense pressure/burning behind my eyes. Is there a recommended time frame to "wait and see" before considering reinstating with a small dose?

[LotusRising]

On 10/11/2024 at 8:08 AM, bryman said:

How are you feeling nowadays after your long journey?

Honestly, I'm doing really well! I have some residual fatigue and muscle restrictions/weakness, but night and day from where I was a few years ago.

 

On 10/11/2024 at 10:31 AM, bryman said:

I'm obviously worried this won't go away.

I wish I could say when it will get better, but everyone seems to be so different. It WILL get better though.

 

On 10/11/2024 at 10:31 AM, bryman said:

Is there a recommended time frame to "wait and see" before considering reinstating with a small dose?

Reinstatement is a big decision. Have you read through the reinstatement info on the homepage?  

[Pickamew]

Hi everyone, my story is oddly familiar. I was on Lexapro for six weeks and have been off four weeks now. I had terrible side effects from the get go but was told to stay on it until I was like this can’t be right. I am left with continuing insomnia, this weird pulsing anxiety, tinnitus, and the feeling of an emotionless brick in my brain. Also, my appetite was so bad, I am down 14 lbs and trying to put weight back on. I too was wondering if I should go back on a small dose, but as I said, I had no benefit from it and it just made me sick. For the life of me, I don’t know why I wasn’t told about the side effects of these drugs and not stopped early when I was telling my psych I was having bad insomnia and wasn’t even wanting to drink water. I also wanted to point out - I know it is odd, but I started Lexapro because I had an earworm that came out of the blue that was going nonstop 25/7 for months which made me have a panic attack because I thought I had gone crazy. I don’t know what the ultimate solution is, but considering my age, wish I had a chance to try HRT for anxiety/depression before this sh*t.

[bryman]

I wanted to give an update. I am 8 days off meds. My DPDR is gone. I had some pretty disturbing vision problems day 3-7, trouble focusing, blurriness, light sensitivity, but today it is 90% resolved. I still have this painful burning sensation at the top of my head. I wouldn't really call it a headache, it just feels like my head is on fire. Also, morning anxiety is high with restlessness/agitation lasting most of the day then subsiding at night. So I am better than when I started. I will not be reinstating as I felt worse on the meds than off of them. I'm still absolutely floored with how my body rejected the Zoloft for basically the whole 6 weeks. I don't think I've ever felt so bad in my life. 

[Claudelex]

On 10/16/2024 at 6:01 AM, bryman said:

I wanted to give an update. I am 8 days off meds. My DPDR is gone. I had some pretty disturbing vision problems day 3-7, trouble focusing, blurriness, light sensitivity, but today it is 90% resolved. I still have this painful burning sensation at the top of my head. I wouldn't really call it a headache, it just feels like my head is on fire. Also, morning anxiety is high with restlessness/agitation lasting most of the day then subsiding at night. So I am better than when I started. I will not be reinstating as I felt worse on the meds than off of them. I'm still absolutely floored with how my body rejected the Zoloft for basically the whole 6 weeks. I don't think I've ever felt so bad in my life. 

Good luck with it, I hope your burning sensation disappears quickly. 

[Pickamew]

Glad to know you are having some improvements. Unfortunately, I am still struggling. Having a lot of difficulty focusing at work this morning. 

[bryman]

I know how you feel. Yes, my vision problems has subsided for the most part but now I have all these other feelings. It's strange that symptoms change as time goes on. For the past couple days I have felt so agitated. I have this electric feeling in my body that makes me twitch. Sleep seems to be getting worse. I'm sort of half asleep. Like any sound at all will wake me up. I wake up in the morning with horrendous anxiety, I can't sit still at all. I have to "do" something but I don't know what to do exactly. All I can ever think is "Is this my life now?" Trying so hard to just get on with it but it makes me so sad when I can't even sit down and enjoy the company of the people I love. And all of this is here because I was trying to help myself with medication that was presented to me as in such a way that it seemed an obvious choice and not a big deal. I hope you get some relief soon.  

 

[bryman]

So physically, things have improved. I no longer get burning headaches and my eyesight seems to have recovered. But now I'm hit with crippling anxiety and this inner "need" for something. It's like I'm a heroin addict of something. I'm just craving something all the time. When it gets really bad I will involuntarily twitch. I did yoga today and that seemed to calmed it down but one hour later it was back with a vengeance. I just feel irritated/uncomfortable/fearful and on edge constantly. Do I just need to tolerate this? 

[bryman]

Wow, tonight was terrifying. I went out to eat with my MIL and I lost all concept of myself. It was like I didn't know who I was or what I was supposed to say. I was trapped in this zombie like state. I would talk but didn't really understand what I was saying. It's still lingering. Why is this getting worse?! 

[bryman]

@LotusRising @Claudelex @Pickamew It's been one month since I went off SSRIs. It has been one of the hardest months of my life and unfortunately I'm still struggling. The hardest part in all of this is I feel like a different person. All the things that brought me joy and fulfillment prior to this nightmare, I can no longer do. Any stress at all can send me into a tailspin. I try to do light exercise and an hour later my body feels electrified and my anxiety goes through the roof. Symptoms seem to change from day to day. One day I'm on the verge of a panic attack, the next day I'm horribly depressed just trying to hang on. I reported earlier that my eyesight had improved but now it is back to blurry, and I have a hard time with light changes from bright to dark and back. I also have floating "webs". I went to the eye doctor and he said everything looks normal. I have involuntary twitches in my whole body that seem to be triggered by depressive thoughts. Some days I have that craving/wanting/restlessness/agitation where there's something wrong but I don't know what to do. I always feel "weird" like I'm on acid or something making it so hard to hold conversations. I became frustrated on the phone with customer service and had to do breathing exercises to calm down. I have fallen so far behind at work I keep waiting to be let go. 

 

All of this is so depressing because I am a fraction of the person I was. I have been modestly successful in my life creating something from nothing through hard work and persistence. Now, even a trip to the store is extremely challenging. My partner is amazing and has been wholeheartedly supporting me but I can see this starting to wear her down. It's also so difficult to watch all of my neighbors, friends, even strangers out there living their lives - laughing, shopping, just having a normal day while I feel so broken. 

 

I can't help but feel like I have permanently damaged myself simply because I made a seemingly benign decision to take Zoloft. Everyone I talked to before I went on the medication was so relaxed about it. I had so many people tell me that they were on ADs and were so better off or their family members were on them and were doing much better.  Then when I had the adverse reaction, things I read would say "just give it 6-8 weeks" or "things will get worse before they get better". Well, they continued to get worse until I had no choice but to stop taking them. I know there's nothing I can "do" about all of this. I just need to wait, but I'm so scared. Scared that I will never get to enjoy a holiday with my family again, never get to go on vacation, never get to just laugh and enjoy the life I once knew. I keep telling myself that if I get through this I will never take anything for granted ever again. I will love people with all of my heart and be kind to everyone. But right now I'm feeling so hopeless. 

 

 

 

 

[Pickamew]

Hey there. I can relate to so much of what you just wrote. As you can see I was recently on Lex for six weeks too until I couldn’t do it anymore due the side effects (I was told too we’re going to get better and wait it out; but how constantly feeling high as a kite and that your brain is being scrambled is getting better — I don’t know). 
 

I’m a little further than you. I just started 7 weeks post-stopping. Not that I am great yet, but that weird restlessness/agitation feeling to do something, but not knowing what, calmed down for me about last week. 
 

I was also freaking out about work and was thinking I was going to be fired. I was always wondering if I acted/sounded like I was on drugs, and trying so hard to think through things I had done a million times for weeks. It is somewhat better now, but the only way I could manage it was to tell myself to slow down, review things multiple times before completion, write down immediately what I need to do with sticky notes, and I would sometimes be proactive about reaching out to people so that they wouldn’t bother me thus giving me more time to heal. 

[bryman]

Thanks for responding @Pickamew I’m glad you’re getting a little relief. This whole thing is so scary and frustrating. I too have had to slow down significantly which I have somewhat embraced. The hardest part for me, aside from the vision problems, is the fluctuation in mood. Sometimes I wake up and have anxiety for no reason. Sometimes I will be hit with a wave of depression in the middle of the day that cripples me. Sometimes I will walk into a store or something and it all feels so wrong that I want to leave. Simple things have become so difficult to manage. Keep me updated on your progress. The moderators haven’t responded since my first post. 

[Pickamew]

38 minutes ago, bryman said:

Sometimes I will walk into a store or something and it all feels so wrong that I want to leave. 

Will keep you updated. Yep, going to stores is somewhat overwhelming to me right now.  At one point had to take husband with me to grocery stores because I felt useless. When I went by myself first time, I was annoyingly so jittery but it almost escalated to an embarrassing, anxiety ridden disaster. I went to put a large sushi platter in my cart, but for some reason my spatial ability blanked out or didn’t fully think through the action (idk, it was strange), I missed the cart and ended up dropping it on the grocery store floor.
 

Luckily, most pieces stayed in the package and no one really saw it. But my god, did I become paranoid, anxiety ridden, and freaked out about briefly loosing my spatial sense. Normally, I would have never done this but if so, would have reacted as “You dummy, why did you just drop expensive sushi? Pay attention to what you are doing.”

[bryman]

@LotusRisingThis has been a very difficult week. Depression came like a freight train and even simple tasks like cooking a meal have become excruciating. My eyesight seems to be getting worse. It’s like my eyes can’t handle seeing light and dark at the same time. They get confused and things are blurry. The crazy thing is my anxiety has subsided. It’s almost like I don’t care about anything so why be anxious? The intrusive thoughts of “this is your life now” and that I will never get better are becoming harder to ignore. I feel so broken and detached from the life I once  I loved. I’m also so scared because there’s no safety net. I don’t know where to turn when things are this dark. I just try to hang on. 

[LotusRising]

Hi @bryman, I'm sorry you're having such a tough week.

 

26 minutes ago, bryman said:

It’s like my eyes can’t handle seeing light and dark at the same time. They get confused and things are blurry. The crazy thing is my anxiety has subsided.

The unexpected pattern of windows and waves is incredibly challenging, but it really does improve with time. Try not to lose sight of this. It sounds a little bit like you might be experiencing anhedonia, that feeling of not caring about anything. I think it's partly the brain/nervous system trying to figure things out again, but also the sheer challenge of the situation. Please try to remember this is temporary. I know it doesn't feel this way right now, but joy and pleasure will come back again.

 

31 minutes ago, bryman said:

The intrusive thoughts of “this is your life now” and that I will never get better are becoming harder to ignore.

 

This is absolutely not your forever life. You will look back at some point and realize this was all just a blip. You WILL get better. 

 

32 minutes ago, bryman said:

I don’t know where to turn when things are this dark. I just try to hang on. 

Keep reaching out. We're here. Do you have a support system?

[bryman]

Thanks @LotusRising for your response. It really does mean a lot. I just can’t wrap my head around how these drugs are legal and handled with such negligence when they continue to cause so much harm to people. I am suffering right now and no one understands what I’m going through. I think my therapist gets a bit frustrated because each week I have a new issue from withdrawal that I’m trying to work through and the goalposts keep moving for him. I just try to get through each day not knowing what the next day will bring. 

[LotusRising]

@bryman

 

6 hours ago, bryman said:

I just can’t wrap my head around how these drugs are legal and handled with such negligence when they continue to cause so much harm to people.

Yes, it's truly a problem. And even worse, so misunderstood.

 

6 hours ago, bryman said:

I am suffering right now and no one understands what I’m going through.

I know, I hear you. Thankfully, this forum exists and there are more and more coaches out there to help and raise awareness. I feel like there is progress, but I expect it will take time for this to be more widely recognized as an issue. 

 

7 hours ago, bryman said:

I just try to get through each day not knowing what the next day will bring. 

So frustrating, I know. Each day you get through it is a great day though! So much to look forward to. 

 

We are always here 💚

[bryman]

@LotusRising Is a reinstatement and slow taper recommended in order to relieve WD symptoms or would you say that it is a way to mitigate the possible damage from CT or 'too fast' taper? I guess a better question would be... do we all end up in the same place eventually; and those who CT just have a much harder time with intense WD symptoms? I guess I just want some reassurance that I am doing the "right" thing in trying to accept the situation and manage my days the best I can versus trying to "do something" like reinstating. If I'm being honest, unless strongly recommended, I don't know if I could take ADs again at all given how much anguish this whole thing has caused me. But at my lowest points I just want some relief so I am torn. I guess reinstatement doesn't guarantee relief anyway and may make things worse?

[bryman]

Struggling. Many people talk about waves and windows in terms of days at a time. My waves and windows show up throughout the day and there doesn’t seem to be a set pattern. Sometimes the morning is horrible and the evenings are okay. Then the next day it’s the opposite. Sometimes I feel good being out of the house. Sometimes I’m a mess and have to get back home. The one thing that is always there is my inability to handle stress of any kind. Even if I have had a good morning, by 3pm my mood plummets because I just can’t handle life anymore - It’s too much stimulation. Or my dog will bark at something and I get so agitated. I keep thinking, “if I can’t handle my dog barking, how will I handle real problems that will inevitably happen?” I mourn for my old self - making people laugh, being a goofball for my niece, helping my brother with things around the house. I can’t bring myself to do any of that now. It’s so hard to just accept this and wait, when there’s no evidence that I will ever heal. 

[LotusRising]

8 hours ago, bryman said:

Is a reinstatement and slow taper recommended in order to relieve WD symptoms or would you say that it is a way to mitigate the possible damage from CT or 'too fast' taper?

A reinstatement is a way to do both. As you may already know, reinstatement doesn't work for everyone though.

 

8 hours ago, bryman said:

do we all end up in the same place eventually; and those who CT just have a much harder time with intense WD symptoms?

Yes, I would say we all end up in the same place eventually. Everyone is so individual, but in general, a slow, smooth taper would help to mitigate symptoms, while CT is more like jumping off a cliff. Some rebound quickly and some don't.

 

Back in your first couple posts, you thought the symptoms were improving somewhat. Do you still feel this way? 

 

What happened when you introduced lexapro for 1 week?

[bryman]

@LotusRising When I previously took Lexapro 3 years ago I tolerated it fine with “normal” side effects like night sweats and weird dreams. When I took it this time for 7 days I felt high and had dark intrusive thoughts but that might have been the Zoloft withdrawal?

 

This morning I just had a a serious depressive episode after a light workout. I’m getting desperate. My lows are so low. I feel completely lost and hopeless. I have an appt with my psychiatrist in 2 days. I know she will want to put me on something again. Do you think I should keep the appointment? I'm actually afraid I will just give in and agree to go on a different medication.

[LotusRising]

@bryman

 

Honestly, I can't say what the right decision is for you. You're the one experiencing the symptoms and only you know how bad they are. 

 

4 hours ago, bryman said:

I know she will want to put me on something again

 

Whether she wants to put you on something or not, it's absolutely your decision. 

 

4 hours ago, bryman said:

When I took it this time for 7 days I felt high and had dark intrusive thoughts but that might have been the Zoloft withdrawal?

Yes, it definitely could be since you were switched directly.

 

It's possible that the dose you took was too high, which is why you experienced those feelings. I know that going on and off medications over the years is not a good thing. Have you read the thread on Hypersensitivity and Kindling?

 

In the last 7 weeks since you stopped medication - in general, do you think you're feeling better, or worse?

 

[bryman]

@LotusRising I'm actually only in my 5th week since stopping the meds.  

 

My symptoms are different than when I was on the meds. On the meds, I felt like I was kindling. I felt electric restlessness, intense pressure in my chest, crippling anxiety and insomnia. Off the meds it's almost the opposite. I wake up feeling hopeless, lost, not able to interact with the world because it's all too much. I need to just lay down but when I do, the thoughts/rumination start in that I have ruined my life and I'm stuck here. The front/top of my head always feels like it's on fire and my eyes can only take so much light. I can get myself to the gym to lightly exercise and when I do I feel so much better but every time, 60 minutes later I feel worse than ever - activated, restless, agitated, then crash.

 

I did a 60 minute light yoga class a couple weeks ago and the feeling immediately following was that of pure bliss. I was so calm and peaceful. I thought I had found my sanctuary from the pain. But then, an hour later I was more activated than ever - I wanted to crawl out of my skin. It was such a disappointment as I just need some relief and thought I had found some but I was let down again. 

 

The thought of taking more meds makes me sick but like I said, at my lowest points I just want some relief from the emotional pain. To answer your question, I think I'm hypersensitive right now and adding medication would just add fuel to the fire. So I guess I answered my question too. 

 

It's such a difficult decision because any other time you feel bad you go to the doctor and do something about it. For example, a broken leg or trouble breathing - doing nothing about those things is careless and might have dire consequences. So when I have such horrible feelings, my instinct is to try to help myself by doing something about it but the medical system's only answer for me is to put me on more meds which got me here in the first place. 

 

I know you don't have all the answers and the decision is up to me. I just appreciate someone hearing me out and offering some encouragement. I'm trying to wrestle with the notion that this might be my reality for a long time and how in the world to handle it each day. I also just moved so my apartment is a complete mess and I'm living out of boxes. I have so much to do to set things up but each task feels like a mountain to climb. 

 

To everyone going through this you have my deepest sympathy. I wish we could all get together and support each other more personally. 

[Pickamew]

6 hours ago, bryman said:

I have an appt with my psychiatrist in 2 days. I know she will want to put me on something again. Do you think I should keep the appointment?

I was at this same juncture a few weeks ago. I did initially cancel my appt., but my psych called me concerned and requested I come in. I did though for two reasons - to at least express to her the pain I was going through and if for some reason I needed a medical history for something at work, I had it. She did encourage me to take Seroquel for sleep, but after reading online about the possible side effects (such as TD, randomly lactating, and heart problems), it scared me enough to not get the prescription. Still struggling with sleep, but I think the tinnitus is more of the obstacle to it now, so contemplating small reintroduction. 

 

[bryman]

Thanks @Pickamew for the note. I know how hard it is to function without sleep. You're going to improve - Wishing you the best. 

[bryman]

Yesterday I had an amazing day. I was able to go to the mall and order new glasses, and have lunch with my girlfriend all symptom free aside from some light sensitivity. I was my “old self”. 
 

Unfortunately today I am back to depressed, fragile and anxious. 
 

It seems that every day I am the worst between 9-11am. I feel so hopeless and depressed during that time. It lifts slightly in the afternoon to where I can function but it’s like clockwork every day at that time I feel my worst.

 

My coping strategy for tough times my entire life has been exercise. But if I exercise at all now, even lightly, about an hour later I am so agitated with intrusive thoughts. I can feel tension in my body building that isn’t getting released through exercise. Not sure how to work with this.

[bryman]

Officially 2 months off all meds. Here is my current state...

 

Windows and waves occur throughout the day, not over weeks like many report. Each day is pretty much the same. The mornings are the hardest. I actually feel fine upon waking and for the first hour, but then the cortisol probably kicks in and I'm very much stuck in my head ruminating. I tend to repeat things in my head after I hear them, almost like an echo. It's so hard not to obsess over my symptoms and just accept them. Morning anxiety is a nightmare. Many days, around 4pm, I actually feel okay. The evenings are so much better than the mornings. 

 

My vision has improved over the past week in terms of what I see. No more blurriness or light "burn in". However my eyes are always extremely tired. I have to take breaks every few hours and just sit with my eyes closed for 20 minutes to rest them. I seem to be most sensitive to visual input. Driving wears my eyes out the most. The odd thing is I can see well with my glasses but not my contacts. I went to the ophthalmologist who said the physical structure of my eyes looked fine. *Word of advice for everyone when they visit the doctor... Never mention the word "anxiety" to a doctor. The second you do they talk to you like you're a crazy person and just write off all your debilitating symptoms as anxiety. 

 

My most pernicious and troubling symptom is this constant "craving" feeling. I wonder if my dopamine receptors are just fried. I'm agitated and have an inner restlessness that is never satiated. It tends to peak 1-3 hours after exerting myself or having an orgasm. Again, seems dopamine related. Even light stretching triggers this hours later. The feeling is accompanied by body jerking, much like RLS but my whole body. I also have a consistent tremor in my right forearm. Yesterday I had a brain MRI so awaiting those results. 

 

I just always feel "not right", not like myself. I'm really trying to view this as a marathon and not a sprint but it's hard. I miss my old life. Laughing with family, working out with my gym friends, having coffee/drinks with work colleagues. I keep telling myself that when I'm healed I won't take a minute of my life for granted. 

 

I am grateful for what has not been negatively impacted which is my appetite and my sleep. I feel for everyone suffering with insomnia or digestive issues. 

 

Anyway, I guess I'm better than I was a month ago so I will take that as a win. Holding onto the little positive moments when they happen. Not sure if anyone will read this but sending love to all who are suffering through this mess. 

 

 

[bryman]

@LotusRising Going through a bad wave at the moment. In a deep depression over the past couple days with anxiety, rumination impending doom and feelings of hopelessness. Had a scary crash yesterday. Just normal activities wreck me afterwards. Went out to dinner with a friend, then out to breakfast the next morning followed by shooting photos for a couple hours. This was too much for my system and I crashed hard forgetting all the coping mechanisms I had been using previously and just felt hopeless, even considering going on another SSRI just to get any kind of relief. Now I have more tasks at work that I need to tend to over the next few days along with some other obligations. It's so hard for me to accept that I can't do even simple work tasks without the possibility of crashing. Really struggling right now. It feels so permanent and that I am broken. 

[LotusRising]

@bryman 

 

I'm sorry you're feeling this way right now. Life can feel overwhelming at the best of times, so it's understandable that it might feel even worse right now.

 

I see you're off for just over 2 months now, which is good!

 

50 minutes ago, bryman said:

It's so hard for me to accept that I can't do even simple work tasks without the possibility of crashing. Really struggling right now. It feels so permanent and that I am broken. 

A reminder that this is temporary and you are absolutely not broken.

 

I know acceptance doesn't come easy, but it does come with time. It took me a long while to accept my situation too, even now I still struggle with it. But these feelings do ease up. For now, try to focus on what you can do, instead of what you can't. Withdrawal has an interesting way of letting us know we need to slow down.

 

On 11/16/2024 at 12:16 PM, bryman said:

esterday I had an amazing day. I was able to go to the mall and order new glasses, and have lunch with my girlfriend all symptom free aside from some light sensitivity. I was my “old self”.

 

I see you've had some good windows where you're feeling more like yourself. Try to hold these moments in your thoughts on days where symptoms feel at their worst. These windows are a little glimpse of all the good things to come.

 

When you're able, start incorporating coping strategies again. It's easy to forget about them when we're starting to have better days, but maybe you could start with

simple things like getting out for a walk to break up your day, leaning into your support system, or an easy yoga session. Did you get your apartment sorted out?

 

On 11/13/2024 at 3:44 PM, bryman said:

To answer your question, I think I'm hypersensitive right now and adding medication would just add fuel to the fire. So I guess I answered my question too. 

You mentioned this a month ago, so perhaps this will help you with your decision about trying another SSRI.

 

On the days I felt really crappy, I focused on my why. Do you think about your why?

 

This wave will pass, just like the others. You'll get through this @bryman!

[bryman]

Thank you @LotusRising for the response. Things are getting worse still. The last few days I've had barely any relief from the anxiety and intrusive thoughts. It's starting to feel overwhelming and my partner is very worried about me and I know she wants me to try another medication. I'm not sure how to fill my time. All the things I used to do that would give me joy I can't do anymore because if I overexert even a little bit I crash hard and have suicidal thoughts. Not sure where to go from here.