devestated: My Recent Journey in Withdrawal

October 19, 2024

I wish I had known about this site before I ever started anti depressants. It’s devastating to be here now in so many ways. Anti depressants ruined my life. Well at least life as I knew it.

About 2 years ago, I was prescribed bupropion 150 mg XR for a MDD episode. I was only on them for 30 days and cold turkeyed under psychiatrists guidance and it went fine. I developed tinnitus that resolved itself over 5 months so I figured I’d trust my body. At the same time, I started Trazedone and took 12.5 mg for about a year and a half to help with sleep. I also tolerated that fine with the only side effect being some vertigo when standing up.

For what it’s worth I’m a 31M who built an amazing life, post graduate degree, goals of family, fit and active, community, in touch with emotions.

Fast forward to about 60 days ago and I decided to try Lexapro for some reason that I will never understand (as I was unwilling to try any drug with sexual side effects and did not do enough research). I took it for 4 days at 5 mg. I noticed some genital disconnection and decided it wasn’t worth it so I decided to stop and cold turkeyed Lexapro and Trazedone on the same day. This initiated an intense period which I had no idea was all withdrawal. The genital numbing actually got worse which made me freak out and I tried to reinstate Trazedone at 25 mg for 1 nights. What followed after that was an absolute nightmare.

The numbness spread throughout my entire body. The symptom list that I have is absolutely absurd. I also pushed my body during withdrawal in exercise and hear, which I had no clue could increase the likelihood of adverse effects. It was like they killed my entire body except my heart, lungs, taste, vision, and smell.

inability to sweat (5% of normal function)

-loss of tear ducts

-pulsating tinnitus

-brain zaps

-loss of 50% sensory input on skin (global)

-loss of 100% sensory input in genitals

-burning sensation in lips

-loss of internal sensation in muscles (global)

-emotional blunting (absolute), negative emotions gone, positive emotions gone

-Andohnia

-loss of dreams or visualization

-inability to concentrate

-brain fog

-light pulsating in body

-no dreams

-max 2-3 hours of sleep

-loss of libido

-loss of motivation (dopamine response reward system)

-constant fight/flight

-reduced sensitivity to hot and cold

-depersonalization / derealization

-extreme muscle fatigue when moving

-reduced sensitivity to hot / cold

-loss of feeling in stomach

-bowel movements (constipation/poor digestion, can no longer go without enema)

-suicidal thoughts (passive)

I was so traumatized by the experience that I decided to go to an in patient to stay where they decided to try another reinstatement of Trazedone (wtf was I thinking?) at 2 mg, which crashed my system even harder. I was actually making some progress before that and could still cry. Now, I am basically like a walking Zombie who can think but not do much else.

With the poor digestion my body is a breeding ground for other discomfort. I would do anything in time to go back and undue this as family was my dream in life and I was an amazing athlete in every category (yoga, biking, hiking, skiing, running, etc). It’s been like a complete death of self as I knew it and everything that I love to do leaving me with little else but to be conscious to do all of it.

My days are now spent awake (20-23 hours a day), mostly ruminating on how on Earth I ended up here, oh yeah I don’t even dream anymore, and searching for meaning outside of everything that I knew and loved. By far the worst experience of it is the emotional blunting and anhedonia where I feel an indifference towards life. I’ve always loved life! I prided myself in being a man with a huge emotional range and participate in men’s work, therapy, etc. I had ALL of the tools to never touch an anti depressant in my life! I will never understand what on Earth I was thinking. Forgiving myself for this will probably be the greatest challenge I face in my life moving forward.

My days are now spent either staring blankly into space, or in a deep depressive state. It oscillates between not wanting to die and also not wanting to live in this body. Don’t worry (I’m not actively suicidal just sharing my thoughts). For the few moments of sleep I get, I wake up reliving a nightmare and immediately wonder if it’s going to be like this for the rest of my life and find the indifference leaving me wanting to give up.

Even the little things I do and try to enjoy (like a cup of coffee), tend to exacerbate all my symptoms so it’s like my body is preparing to shut down on me fully. For what it’s worth, I’ve had almost perfect health and been blessed with that most of my life. I’ve been seen by doctors, neurologists, NP, MDs, psychiatrists, who all don’t know how to help me or gaslight me and say it’s all in my head.

It’s somehow triggered some neuropathy that has left me a shell of myself. I am now absolutely sensitive to anything I put in my body.

I was an extroverted person, but now that I have emotional blunting and body sensations I find myself just wanting to spend time by myself mostly. I spent my entire life up to this point building a legacy to hopefully share with a wife and family.

I feel like I either need to accept a life of celibacy and let all hopes and dreams die or spend my life trying to find answers and blowing money trying to “fix” myself who was never actually broken in the first place.

The fact that my brain is still online baffles me as being conscious to all of it is some kind of cruel joke. The latest crash has left me feeling like it’s “too late” and it’s a struggle to get me motivated to even do simple tasks or laundry and I feel ashamed or dp/dr and don’t really want to be seen in public.

How am I supposed to live like this? A global system impact (I had no clue this was even possible). From my research, I may be one of the worst cases I’ve read about as every single cm of my body (inside and out) is impacted minus my eyes. I don’t even produce snot anymore.

I was just entering the prime of my life and so looking forward to the next decade. Now, I feel like I’ll be dying way before I’m ready. That’s the only thing that keeps me going honestly is the amazing people around me and a “make each day my last” mentality.

It’s constant suffering. Has ANYONE ever recovered full function after a crash like this?

life as I knew it is over. I won’t even be able to ski this winter :(.

Edited October 19, 2024 by Emonda
Name to title

October 20, 2024

Hi @devestated, and welcome to SA! We are a community of volunteers providing peer support in the tapering of psychiatric medications, and their associated withdrawal syndromes.

I'm so very sorry for all you've been through. I completely understand how traumatic this has been. I was once a very vibrant, athletic person myself. Long covid and withdrawal has stolen that from me.

It sounds like you've already done some reading on this site regarding our recommendations for tapering, so you undoubtedly have a good understanding of why you are experiencing the symptoms that you are experiencing. Everything you describe is standard stuff for a destabilized nervous system/ withdrawal. Here is a list of typical symptoms that we see around here- I expect everything here will look pretty familiar:

Daily Checklist of Antidepressant Withdrawal Symptoms (PDF)

I want to assure you that your life isn't over. I have recovered once from severe, protracted withdrawal, and you will too (I stupidly went back on meds years later though... that's another story lol). We are all healing, all the time, even when we don't feel like we are. The thing is, it's going to take time. I can't say how long, but healing will happen for you.

As you progress through this, and your nervous system works towards healing/stability, you will notice periods where you feel better and periods where you feel worse. I want to assure you that this is a normal part of the process, and is actually a good sign that things are progressing as they should. We call this pattern the windows and waves pattern of stabilization. Read more here:

Windows and waves pattern of stabilization

There are a few things you can do to help yourself out with healing. Most are intuitive, and as an athlete, you are likely doing much of this already. Eat a clean, whole foods diet, stay very well hydrated, continue with gentle exercise, and get lots of rest/sleep. Avoid all neurologically active substances, such as caffeine, nicotine, alcohol and recreational drugs- these things are like pouring gasoline on a fire for your symptoms. And don't add any further psych meds to deal with the withdrawal effects from psych meds- as you've found out, the effects of these are not predictable on a destabilized nervous system, and they often make people worse rather than better.

We only recommend two supplements here at SA- magnesium and omega-3 fatty acids. Do be mindful though- it is very common for those in withdrawal to experience hypersensitivity to all sorts of things- medications, supplements, and even foods! So if you wish to try any supplements, even those we recommend, start with a very low dose, and see how you fare. You can increase slowly over time if you tolerate them. I am a prime example of hypersensitivity- I can't take magnesium at all! It gives me brain zaps and insomnia. It helps many here though, so it's worth trying.

Dealing with the emotional ups and downs is probably the hardest part of this journey. It's really important to develop some solid, non-drug coping mechanisms right away in order to make the best of a terrible situation. We have many, many threads here at SA on this topic- I will link some below. Personally, I have found that developing a daily mindfulness practice to be the most important thing I have done. It has helped me avoid catastrophic thinking and emotional spirals (for the most part- nobody is perfect!). I use guided meditations/yoga Nidra as well, in order to help calm my nervous system. Spending time in nature, and being mindful of my negative thought patterns, challenging and replacing them has become part of my daily life now. And when all else fails, staying busy and distracted with things that bring you a sense of peace and calm really does help.

Derealization or Depersonalization

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

Easing your way into meditation for a stressed-out nervous system

Music for self-care: calms hyperalertness, anxiety, aids relaxation and sleep

Ways to cope with daily anxiety

"Change the channel" - dealing with cognitive symptoms

Dealing With Emotional Spirals

Shame, guilt, regret, and self-criticism

I want to really emphasize the importance of avoiding catastrophic thinking. I know your life has been turned upside down by this, but it really is just a speed bump. It's a big, nasty one, but things will get better. This is a major detour that none of us planned for, but that's life, right? Just when we think we have it all figured out, the universe throws a curve ball at us. This is your curve ball, and you can choose how you handle it. You can spiral, or you can take control of what you can, and ride it out with grace. Given your athletic history, I suspect that you will learn to embrace this as a challenge, and to use this as an opportunity to learn more about yourself. I can say without hesitation that I have learned a great deal throughout this process about what I really want, and who I really am. I firmly believe that we will ALL come out of this on the other side as better people- more compassionate, and more mindful of what is really important in our lives.

You may wish to start a symptom diary at this time. Keep track of each of your symptoms, rating them on a scale of 1-10 for severity each day. This will help you see your windows and waves a bit more clearly, and will help you see how far you've come as you progress. If you track your activities, foods, supplements etc as well, it may help you identify things you are sensitive to that cause an increase in symptoms. In addition to the magnesium that I identified above, I am sensitive to coffee (even decaf), chamomile, refined sugar, and sadly, intense exercise. Avoiding my triggers as much as possible has made this journey a bit less of a roller coaster ride!

So, in summary, take good care of yourself, and don't lose hope! The nervous system is a notoriously slow healer, but healing IS happening. I promise. We are here to support you along the way. For now, I'm sending lots of love and hugs- I know this is all quite a shock, and not at all the life you saw for yourself, but it will get better. ❤️‍🩹

This is your introduction topic. Each member gets one intro topic, so please post updates and questions here, on this thread. Don't hesitate to check out the rest of the forum though- there's tons of good info here. And I would definitely recommend reading and commenting on the intro threads of other active members. This will help you build a community of people who truly understand what you are going through. This journey can be a very lonely one in the absence of that sort of community. So we're here for you, 100% of the way! 🤗

October 20, 2024

@catwoman73

To be honest, I’ve pretty much given up. Life goes on around me and I feel like nothing but a warm body. The recent crash has me pretty devastated—it castrated me.

October 20, 2024

17 minutes ago, devestated said:

@catwoman73

To be honest, I’ve pretty much given up. Life goes on around me and I feel like nothing but a warm body. The recent crash has me pretty devastated—it castrated me.

It's all temporary. Stay mindful, be present, and stay away from thinking catastrophically. Try something new to keep yourself distracted. It sounds like you have a great support system- lean on them, and keep the lines of communication open. How you react to this is a choice- that might sound harsh, but it is the truth. You can roll over and give up, or you can use this time to explore new activities, and work on whatever issues made you start taking these meds in the first place. There is opportunity in every disaster- there really is. I found it really helpful to explore some new hobbies in the early stages as a distraction and as a way of making myself feel productive. I'm so sorry for your struggles. I know how tough it is- I'm right there with you. 🤗

October 21, 2024

@Catwoman73

I was intensely working on all my issues before (therapy, EMDR, coaching, men’s work, yoga) you name it. With a passion. Friends would say I’ve never met anyone who works on themselves as much as I do.

I have given up. At least, I have for the last 10 days. I don’t really see much of a point anymore. With Anhedonia I can’t relate to people around much. The positive reward mechanisms in my brain are turned off so I don’t sweat, and exercise is unfulfilling/produces a crash/exacerbated other symptoms. I can’t do any of the activities I want to do. My brain is dull and slow now so working on my engineering isn’t possible. I even have indifference towards bills and responding to messages. I forgot my parent’s birthdays. Everything I’ve done in life is to cultivate family. How is a 31 year old male supposed to accept that he will not be able to have sex again? Or, think critically? Or, experience emotions?

prior to this my plan was to write a book on the courage of a sensitive man or the whole experience. I can’t even remember much.

the upside? Being a survivor? Suffering for years on end? Stuck with daily SI? The only thing that keeps me going is my eyesight I think—seeing things that are beautiful makes me not want to leave. Somehow, I’m able to appreciate more of the beauty of the incredible life I created while at the same time filled with grief and agony in wanting to leave it.

It’s okay that you’re harsh. And I’m stubborn in return. I appreciate your honesty. I just don’t know how “temporary” this is. I’ve yet to find someone who recovered full body numbness. The anhedonia seems pretty permanent, too. As in, none of my symptoms have positively ticked up in 60 days (I.e. no regain of something lost).

October 21, 2024

60 days is VERY early in the process. Many do get worse in the first few months- you can't expect improvement this early in the game. It took me many years to recover when I last cold turkeyed from 3 meds at once. But I did recover.

Attitude does make a difference. Finding the positives (like appreciating beauty, as you do), helps tremendously. Catastrophic thinking, like thinking you will never have sex again, is decidedly unhelpful. What we tell ourselves really does matter.

You might benefit from reading some of the stories in our recovery forum. Many people here have recovered from the depths. Look up Angie Peacock on YouTube. You'd be shocked how many people have been in your condition and gotten better.

https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/forum/28-success-stories-recovery-from-psychiatric-drug-withdrawal/

You can believe you will recover or not- either way, recovery will happen. Believing and finding the opportunity in the madness simply makes the journey more tolerable. The choice is ultimately yours!

October 21, 2024

I am on day 541. I am a lot better. I’m not fully healed. Take daily notes. I promise it helps. I do look back on the early days and it was horrible. Many similar items on your list. Not all, but many. I’m better, but not all the way through it. I also tried supplements early, but then decided to trust everyone here and just use time.

October 21, 2024

@Onepillbupropion

thank you for sharing. I do think I need to keep notes. I am hard on myself so most of my worse crashes were trying to accelerate the process.

Did you have any numbness and Anhedonia ? Those two are the pieces that I am most concerned about. I can live with the tinnitus and brain zaps…

it’s the emotional blunting and numbness that drive me crazy.

October 21, 2024

50 minutes ago, devestated said:

@Onepillbupropion

thank you for sharing. I do think I need to keep notes. I am hard on myself so most of my worse crashes were trying to accelerate the process.

Did you have any numbness and Anhedonia ? Those two are the pieces that I am most concerned about. I can live with the tinnitus and brain zaps…

it’s the emotional blunting and numbness that drive me crazy.

Total numbness. Total anhedonia. Felt nothing. It’s better. Slowly. My first funeral after taking the pill I was almost giggling. It was weird. A year later I had almost appropriate sadness, but still not like before. Empathy slowly coming back. I’m still somewhat numb physically. My mental is sharp. I’m good there. My physical concerns me still, libido and pssd included, but I’m learning or coming to believe that’sa total body thing, not simply relegated to private area.

A lot of people write about “turning the corner”. I did at about 10 months. I knew that I would be ok. I started living again. It’s better. If the physical numbness, PSSD, consolation go away, I’m rocking. So I like where I’m at mentally, the physical is not there, but to be clear, the physical is better.

October 21, 2024

Hi, thanks for sharing this with me. I completely agree about the appropriate sadness. Perhaps one of the most frustrating pieces of this experience for me is that I know I should be crying and can’t. It’s a terrible thing to be conscious to. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I know that in my case it’s the worst thing that has ever happened in my life. I suffer 24/7 with blank, restless sleeps, that feel almost like my wakeful states.

How do you survive like this? Have you noticed any improvements in the numbness? For me, it’s been a gradual decline to more numbness. Unfortunately, I didn’t know what was going on and tried things that exacerbated my symptoms. I agree with the “total body” thing. I feel mostly like a warm body. The cognitive and emotional blunting make it hard to connect to anything that was “me”. The numbness in my genitalia is most pronounced, but I have numbness on my skin, numbness in my muscles, face, pelvic floor, internal sensation, stomach, gut. Whatever happened is 100% global. I could bite off a piece of my arm with limited pain response, too. It’s resulting in extreme muscle wasting.

I feel like I have been robbed and I’m just waiting to die. My concern is that for most it seems like they recover when they have the “positive” neural response of pain. The numbness makes it feel like something died. Being a sexual, loving, and active being before this who wanted a family I went from thriving (don’t ask me why I took the meds is the question that will likely haunt me forever) to basically surviving. Still numb in 10 months?

After my most recent crash where I had like an additional 30-40% sensory decline in my body and lost my ability to produce tears at all, I’ve kinda felt like what is the point.

October 21, 2024

28 minutes ago, devestated said:

Hi, thanks for sharing this with me. I completely agree about the appropriate sadness. Perhaps one of the most frustrating pieces of this experience for me is that I know I should be crying and can’t. It’s a terrible thing to be conscious to. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I know that in my case it’s the worst thing that has ever happened in my life. I suffer 24/7 with blank, restless sleeps, that feel almost like my wakeful states.

How do you survive like this? Have you noticed any improvements in the numbness? For me, it’s been a gradual decline to more numbness. Unfortunately, I didn’t know what was going on and tried things that exacerbated my symptoms. I agree with the “total body” thing. I feel mostly like a warm body. The cognitive and emotional blunting make it hard to connect to anything that was “me”. The numbness in my genitalia is most pronounced, but I have numbness on my skin, numbness in my muscles, face, pelvic floor, internal sensation, stomach, gut. Whatever happened is 100% global. I could bite off a piece of my arm with limited pain response, too. It’s resulting in extreme muscle wasting.

I feel like I have been robbed and I’m just waiting to die. My concern is that for most it seems like they recover when they have the “positive” neural response of pain. The numbness makes it feel like something died. Being a sexual, loving, and active being before this who wanted a family I went from thriving (don’t ask me why I took the meds is the question that will likely haunt me forever) to basically surviving. Still numb in 10 months?

After my most recent crash where I had like an additional 30-40% sensory decline in my body and lost my ability to produce tears at all, I’ve kinda felt like what is the point.

Hi. The beginning was weird. I knew how angry I wanted to be, how sad i wanted to be, but still couldn’t feel either. It was wanting to punch a wall and not even feeling the desire to punch a wall at the same time. How do I survive? At first, I just pretended. I had been here before a decade earlier with energy drinks. The weird thing about this is the numb prevented the panic attacks. I just went through life. At first it made me hyper and lost sleep and would exercise seemingly endlessly, which was totally not me. That has calmed down.

My skin is looser and saggier, muscles weaker, and still somewhat numb. I jump for joy at any pain I have, because it means I’m feeling things. Again, cognitively I’m good. I don’t need to get any better there, but I continually do, so that’s cool. But I won’t lie, I’m not fully healed physically. How do I handle it? Like some have written, I’ve just given up. In a weird way, it makes things easier. I take notes to be able to look back and see how far I’ve come. I ate some food a couple days ago that “hit the spot”. Well, I haven’t had that feeling since it started, so I know things continue to improve.

I do get frustrated about the sexual stuff, and the fact I’m out of people to talk to, because it was one pill, and ADR, and I would struggle to believe it myself if someone else told me. Plus, how do you tell doctors, or others, what the bedroom was like literally just before this pill. I’m not comfortable talking about that stuff, but it’s not age, or interest, or depression or anxiety. Direct link to this pill that killed everything inside.

There are definite moments of windows over the last year that keep me hopeful. The positive is I’ve reached a “you can’t hurt me” mentality with life in that if I can survive this, nothing scares me. Zero. That’s pretty empowering. I walk away from people and situations with such ease now if there’s remote possibility of drama or conflict, and in a weird way, that’s the positive of this experience that I hope stays when I fully recover. But yes, the physical numbness and libido/ability I still struggle with. Windows actually can make it harder in that area, because I know it’s there. It does work at times, but boy, just no consistency in anything.

Cliche, but one day at a time. I go back to what someone else wrote in their success story: you’re not special. You will heal.

Sorry you’re going through this as well. And yes, worst decision of my life.

October 21, 2024

@Onepillbupropion Thank you. I can completely relate to what you're describing. Yesterday was the first day I had the energy to scream and punched my steering wheel a few times. It's like living an actual nightmare 24/7. I have not had one moment of reprieve in the last 60 days. I commend you for pretending. My life was so rich and full that the contrast has left me giving up. I'm definitely not pretending, anymore. I wonder if the mind thing is a little different. I get NO fulfillment for doing anything so I end up feeling like what is the point. With all the muscle wastage, exercise seems inaccessible so this is the most stagnant I have ever been in my life (I used to exercise 6 days a week). I think that is the devastation for me is the stark contrast to the beautiful life I built that I can see, but I can no longer enjoy.

It's also frustrating to those who don't understand and describe this as "depression" and "mindset". I was never depressed. In fact, that is not even why I went on the medication. This is WAY worse than depression. The Anhedonia state with a lack of pleasure where everything you do from walking to showering to laying down to spending time with my dog when I feel nothing from all of it except an inner anguish it is the most excruciating pain I can ever describe. I know I love my dog more than anything in the World or my god son, but I can't feel it. The SI that comes with that is constant. I have never wanted to leave before, in fact I was a passionate, enthusiast about life. Without the emotional piece to connect to others, it's hard to see a point. I don't want to be around most of the amazing community I've built because it feels impossible to talk about anything other than what I'm going through, and I'd take any one of their problems over mine. The last little bit of Trazedone I tried to reinstate CRUSHED my emotions, my dreams, the little bit of sensitivity I had remaining in my genitals'. It makes me feel like that was the defining moment in my life. Why move forward with an inability to connect with the World? Did you have loss of tears/sweating/did that come back?

Thank you for sharing that. Have you had any positive progress in regards to numbness? To be honest, it's such a stark contrast to my normal body (fit, strong, 6 pack, big muscles, active) that I don't think I can create a life that I would want to live multiple years in this body, especially if things plateau or continue to go at the baseline I have. I've made some mistakes in this process like reinstatement that have left me unable to connect to those I love. The complete numbness in my genitals' also hurts, immensely. It's like an aching numbness that just drives me crazy. What is the point of moving forward if the body doesn't improve? I've spent my whole life striving to create my own family. Now, I have been sitting at home wasting away waiting for "something" to change.

I'm glad you're able to have food that hits the spot. For me, food has been one of the few things that has grounded me. So, I guess I'm lucky for that. The downside there is that my stomach and intestines don't really have feeling so bowel movements are especially triggering/challenging. With my old activity level, I was used to having 3-4 bowel movements a day. Now, I have to use my diaphragm to force muscles that I can't feel and I'm lucky if I have one every 2 days. I wonder what has caused the stomach problems. To be honest, it feels like that is the first thing that should be addressed (i.e. without healthy stomach/gut/digestion, how can you possibly live a healthy life?

I know it was the pill that killed everything inside me, too. I'm sorry that you feel frustrated. I'm beyond frustrated here. I have no issues talking about my sexual health or sexuality with anyone. It's so *****. The psychic wound of being chemically castrated as a 31M who was active, fit, loved life and the World around him, had a fulfilling sex life. How does one recover from that? Especially if their is no reclamation in the process.

UGH. One day at a time is more like one second at a time. I hate this. So much. This was supposed to be the best chapter of my life. It's nice to have someone here to talk to, honestly.

October 21, 2024

1 hour ago, Onepillbupropion said:

There are definite moments of windows over the last year that keep me hopeful. The positive is I’ve reached a “you can’t hurt me” mentality with life in that if I can survive this, nothing scares me. Zero. That’s pretty empowering. I walk away from people and situations with such ease now if there’s remote possibility of drama or conflict, and in a weird way, that’s the positive of this experience that I hope stays when I fully recover. But yes, the physical numbness and libido/ability I still struggle with. Windows actually can make it harder in that area, because I know it’s there. It does work at times, but boy, just no consistency in anything.

Cliche, but one day at a time. I go back to what someone else wrote in their success story: you’re not special. You will heal.

This!!! ^^^

This is exactly what I'm talking about- there really is a positive side to all of this. I know how incredibly hard it can be to see that in those early days, when you are mourning the loss of what was, and so uncertain about what is yet to come. But keep the faith, and trust those like myself and @Onepillbupropion, who have been walking the walk for a long time (on and off pills, and in various withdrawal states for the better part of 30 years for me!)- you will heal! We all do. And if we're smart, we come out of this having learned some tough but interesting lessons about ourselves.

I have severe sexual side effects from these drugs, too. My poor husband- I have zero libido, and even when I try to have sex, there are issues with lack of sensation. I've seen glimmers of improvement during this taper though, so I know I'm on my way. It will happen for you too. But the mind body connection is very real, so work hard on staying present, dealing with what is right in front of you, one minute at a time. Grounding exercises are really helpful when the emotions start spiralling, too. There are some good apps out there with different grounding and breathing exercises that really do make a difference.

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and trust the process. Hang in there, @devestated- we're thinking of you! ❤️‍🩹

October 21, 2024

Thanks for hopping back in @Catwoman73

Do you really believe that everyone heals or is healing a matter of acceptance? You’re still on the meds so it makes sense that you would experience improvements with a taper. I have totally flatlined like each day is the same. I forced myself to shower and make my bed and some oatmeal today before a complete and total collapse into the couch about 10 am.

It’s the lack of emotions that is most troubling. All of the tools I have developed (I used to meditate like 4-5 hours a day) seem pointless. A marriage? I can’t imagine a future with one. I could before my most recent crash.

I’m such a broken record. It’s just that feeling like a zombie like this feels… cruel, inhumane, unjust. Where does trust come from when the root chakra and creative energy is completely severed? Most of that was rooted in the emotional experience of feeling connected to God, perhaps through the chemicals in the brain.

I guess the hope is lost because I have continued to reinjure my system. This last crash is wow… 14 days of nothingness.

October 21, 2024

31 minutes ago, devestated said:

Do you really believe that everyone heals or is healing a matter of acceptance? You’re still on the meds so it makes sense that you would experience improvements with a taper. I have totally flatlined like each day is the same. I forced myself to shower and make my bed and some oatmeal today before a complete and total collapse into the couch about 10 am.

No, you will heal whether or not you accept your current circumstances. We all do- it's what our bodies are designed to do. But what I know from 30 years of experience with these drugs is that the healing process is much less painful if you foster a calm, accepting environment within yourself. Have a look at my signature- I cold turkeyed from 3 drugs at once in 2007, and I fully healed, and spent a blissful couple of years completely drug free and healthy (before my idiot doctor convinced me that I needed to go back on my meds due to some word stress lol- that's the last time I listen to him on this subject!!!). Those years I spent healing were tough, but they became much more bearable when I learned to live in the moment, accept what is, and stop worrying so much about what might be around the corner. I am currently dealing with severe long covid and withdrawal at the same time, and I have some REALLY terrible days... but it is what it is. I am on disability, will likely never be able to work again, and I literally turn cyanotic when I try to exercise, so I've lost a huge piece of who I am. But I know I've healed once, and I know, with zero doubts, that I will heal again. We ALL heal. Many here think they are going to be the exception to this rule- you're not alone there! But living beings are built to heal- it's just what we do. Whether we choose to believe it or not!

Hope is not lost. This is a fine example of catastrophic thinking. This is just what you are telling yourself, and like I said before, what we tell ourselves does matter! You're here now, and that's the first step on the path. Work on embracing this as a challenge- if you were once an athlete, who pushed yourself to your limits on a regular basis, you can tap into that drive to help yourself heal from this as well. Embrace the advice you've been given here, by myself and Onepill above, and put it to work for you. Start that journal, and start figuring out what helps you feel better, and what makes you worse. Make recovery your new goal. Control the things you can, and accept the fact that it's going to suck for a while. And never forget- this can be a journey of discovery if you let it be! I truly think that withdrawal teaches us what we are really made of, much more than most other challenges in our lives do.

Sending hugs your way- I know that you're in the early stages, and there is a grieving process that you have to go through. It's totally normal. I still have days where I rail at the unfairness of the situation- I spent YEARS taking amazing care of myself, only to be taken down by long covid and withdrawal. But I let those feelings pass through me like water now, knowing that this will all work out with time. You can get to that place too. ❤️‍🩹

October 21, 2024

1 hour ago, devestated said:

@Onepillbupropion Thank you. I can completely relate to what you're describing. Yesterday was the first day I had the energy to scream and punched my steering wheel a few times. It's like living an actual nightmare 24/7. I have not had one moment of reprieve in the last 60 days. I commend you for pretending. My life was so rich and full that the contrast has left me giving up. I'm definitely not pretending, anymore. I wonder if the mind thing is a little different. I get NO fulfillment for doing anything so I end up feeling like what is the point. With all the muscle wastage, exercise seems inaccessible so this is the most stagnant I have ever been in my life (I used to exercise 6 days a week). I think that is the devastation for me is the stark contrast to the beautiful life I built that I can see, but I can no longer enjoy.

It's also frustrating to those who don't understand and describe this as "depression" and "mindset". I was never depressed. In fact, that is not even why I went on the medication. This is WAY worse than depression. The Anhedonia state with a lack of pleasure where everything you do from walking to showering to laying down to spending time with my dog when I feel nothing from all of it except an inner anguish it is the most excruciating pain I can ever describe. I know I love my dog more than anything in the World or my god son, but I can't feel it. The SI that comes with that is constant. I have never wanted to leave before, in fact I was a passionate, enthusiast about life. Without the emotional piece to connect to others, it's hard to see a point. I don't want to be around most of the amazing community I've built because it feels impossible to talk about anything other than what I'm going through, and I'd take any one of their problems over mine. The last little bit of Trazedone I tried to reinstate CRUSHED my emotions, my dreams, the little bit of sensitivity I had remaining in my genitals'. It makes me feel like that was the defining moment in my life. Why move forward with an inability to connect with the World? Did you have loss of tears/sweating/did that come back?

Thank you for sharing that. Have you had any positive progress in regards to numbness? To be honest, it's such a stark contrast to my normal body (fit, strong, 6 pack, big muscles, active) that I don't think I can create a life that I would want to live multiple years in this body, especially if things plateau or continue to go at the baseline I have. I've made some mistakes in this process like reinstatement that have left me unable to connect to those I love. The complete numbness in my genitals' also hurts, immensely. It's like an aching numbness that just drives me crazy. What is the point of moving forward if the body doesn't improve? I've spent my whole life striving to create my own family. Now, I have been sitting at home wasting away waiting for "something" to change.

I'm glad you're able to have food that hits the spot. For me, food has been one of the few things that has grounded me. So, I guess I'm lucky for that. The downside there is that my stomach and intestines don't really have feeling so bowel movements are especially triggering/challenging. With my old activity level, I was used to having 3-4 bowel movements a day. Now, I have to use my diaphragm to force muscles that I can't feel and I'm lucky if I have one every 2 days. I wonder what has caused the stomach problems. To be honest, it feels like that is the first thing that should be addressed (i.e. without healthy stomach/gut/digestion, how can you possibly live a healthy life?

I know it was the pill that killed everything inside me, too. I'm sorry that you feel frustrated. I'm beyond frustrated here. I have no issues talking about my sexual health or sexuality with anyone. It's so *****. The psychic wound of being chemically castrated as a 31M who was active, fit, loved life and the World around him, had a fulfilling sex life. How does one recover from that? Especially if their is no reclamation in the process.

UGH. One day at a time is more like one second at a time. I hate this. So much. This was supposed to be the best chapter of my life. It's nice to have someone here to talk to, honestly.

I found your post doing a search for “libido”. There are times when I am raging, and others where it’s so non existent it’s spooky. And it was on my brain all the time. Horndog like they say.

Your first question in this specific comment is incredibly timely, about sweating. Before I saw this comment, I added a note to my journal that I’m sweating under my left arm pit, a historic sweat area for me. I immediately noted it in my journal, and had to remind myself that no matter the wave, healing is happening. I can’t argue with data. Scratching, itching and sweating basically disappeared. Slowly returning.

In terms of physique, I was a master at macros, and could manipulate my physique and diet any way I wanted. Age was simply a number (53 now). The day before I took this pill I was ripped. Diet is always the answer. I had let myself go for a couple years with family and relationship stuff, but it was time to get shredded, and I did.

After the pill, I lost even more weight, because I felt nothing, hunger included. Eventually sugar cravings returned, then overeating but not feeling overeating.

Whether overweight or ripped, I was the guy who either looked incredible or “man if he lost twenty he’d be in a magazine” so my muscle tone was great. Not anymore. I feel like I have a big layer of a numb, fat suit and regular me is dying inside. This is where I’m not healed yet, and it’s absolutely terrible. Even people who truly care about me give me the age speech, diet speech, exercise speech. I know they care, so I don’t jump them, but simply ask do you remember before I swallowed this pill what I looked like, just 500 days ago, not 5,000?

But yes, I have loose, droopy skin that makes me so sad. Global, like you said, which really makes me believe the PSSD is a total body thing.

Mentally, I couldn’t ask for better, yet it does get better every single day, and keeping notes helps so much. I would be lying if I said I totally believe I’ll get my body and sexual back, I’m currently just trusting all the stories I read, but it isincredibly difficult on that front.

If you asked other questions I’ve already forgotten them. I’m good enough to know that stuff happened before the ADR though, so I don’t worry about that

October 21, 2024

@Onepillbupropion

can I be honest that this makes me wonder what the point is of staying around?

if I can’t use my body like I want to engaging with the World, then what is the point. It’s a cruel, mean, joke.

I am only 31. If this was happening later in life I feel like I could accept it more. I wanted to be a Father. I loose all my health now and then get mental and maybe emotions back but live in a body I can’t feel?

Accepting a life of slowly loosing muscle tone and gaining weight is not something I will be able to accept today or in the future.

October 21, 2024

1 hour ago, devestated said:

@Onepillbupropion

can I be honest that this makes me wonder what the point is of staying around?

if I can’t use my body like I want to engaging with the World, then what is the point. It’s a cruel, mean, joke.

I am only 31. If this was happening later in life I feel like I could accept it more. I wanted to be a Father. I loose all my health now and then get mental and maybe emotions back but live in a body I can’t feel?

Accepting a life of slowly loosing muscle tone and gaining weight is not something I will be able to accept today or in the future.

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through and what we’re all going through who haven’t yet healed, and I use the word yet, because I still have belief. I am undeniably better. My mental is amazing, and continues to improve. My emotional range continues to improve. I sweat under my left armpit today, so I’m sweating again. I do believe what others have said about healing, and I’m trusting the system of time and prayer. I will pray for you and all of us. I can joke and laugh again, have empathy again, and just know how close I am. Please keep fighting.

October 21, 2024

And because we’re both physically oriented, one other thing: my veins completely disappeared in my hands and arms for a while. I don’t remember how long. They are back to about 70-80%. Blood is flowing again. Keep fighting.

October 22, 2024

@Onepillbupropion

@Catwoman73

I think for me the doubt comes in the negative response from the neural pathways. If my limbs were on fire, then I believe I could trust that one day it would calm down. To come back after nothingness ? Do you truly believe that is possible?

congratulations on the sweat today. And thank you for your prayers. I am going to need them today because I still don’t believe that it’s possible for the body. I trust in the mind and emotional range.

I live to fight another day. Today was a rough one. I want to recount here considering this my daily journal for any who want to understand my story.

This morning after the couch collapse I was visited by my stepdad, which was a challenging conversation for both of us. My dog is staying with him because I feel I can no longer give the love to my son who has been the best companion in this journey. That was followed by physical therapy with dry needling which was a huge trigger because I can now no longer feel the needles into my face. That followed a coaching call somatic with body connection that left me activated due to having to touch the numbness and an appointment with the prescribing physician for me to vocalize what I would have appreciated in informed consent. She provided no detailed info about side effects, no information about kindling and hypersensitivity, and also didn’t apologize or accept any ownership. Pretty frustrating. It was 6 hours of intense suffering. Mostly I can’t won’t don’t want to do this.

i actually had a decent evening. A lovely friend brought over some groceries and I drank lots of decaf green tea. We got to read a little from a journal my Mom left me about her fight with cancer, which gave me the best cry I’ve had in a long time (I was almost sobbing & yes there were tears)! I had a lot of nuts and berries for dinner. I kinda smiled.

the conversation was mostly about regret. To be honest, I haven’t done anything other than shame and hate myself for taking the Lexapro, as I know that was what triggered all of this. The Trazedone reinstatement really set things off. Earlier in the process I had more sensation and electric zaps running through my body which have subsided to 5% tingling. My mind is basically a constant repeat of all of the things I did that led up to this point. Most specifically, not doing more research on the drug before putting it in my body, which is VERY unlike me.

almost 100% of my conversations today were about how poorly I view my mistakes. I’ve always been someone who loves life with an open heart. Lately, I’ve felt self centered, hateful, fear, negativity, self loathing, resentment, and shame. I’m operating on the lowest vibration I’ve ever been. To be honest, 100% of my conversations are about how sh*tty this whole experience is. Up to this point, I was a lover through and through. It’s not that he’s not still there but it feels like I can’t love in the ways I want to.

How do you two “fake it” around other people? I either want to be away from people usually in nature or ruminating or with people telling them my story. It feels inauthentic to fake a smile or pretend to be interested in something else. I feel like I need to pull away from loved ones to prevent pushing them away and/or fake something to “please” what they want to see. Like inside I’m doing terrible, but when asked say, “good”.. I’ve never been good at that. If anything, my mission is to leave this planet with grace. No matter what happens I won’t leave with bitterness and anger. Those emotions need to be transmitted for my soul to complete its mission.

My beautiful mother passed from cancer. It brought out some beautiful spirituality in her. She was able to do the things she loved up until the very end. What I hate most about this is feeling like it’s one of those “life changing” moments. I always felt like if I was given something terminal I would make the most of the time I had left and that the nature of it would give me more capacity to love and pursue what matters with the limited time I have left. What I think is the most cruel about this is that the body issues, lack of intellect and sensitivity to emotions leave me with much regret about things I wish I could have done….. I feel like it’s not fair to strip someone of their mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual well being simultaneously… the global nature of the symptoms … in 60 days I’ve lost most of what I remembered my body to be. In fact, I died with my soul leaving my body many times during that process. I don’t really know why I’m still here. The only thing that I can share is that my suffering has saved lives. I’m bitter about that, though. Maybe it’s an honor… not feeling that hurts.

thats it for now. I’ll check in the am.

October 22, 2024

6 hours ago, devestated said:

@Onepillbupropion

@Catwoman73

I think for me the doubt comes in the negative response from the neural pathways. If my limbs were on fire, then I believe I could trust that one day it would calm down. To come back after nothingness ? Do you truly believe that is possible?

congratulations on the sweat today. And thank you for your prayers. I am going to need them today because I still don’t believe that it’s possible for the body. I trust in the mind and emotional range.

I live to fight another day. Today was a rough one. I want to recount here considering this my daily journal for any who want to understand my story.

This morning after the couch collapse I was visited by my stepdad, which was a challenging conversation for both of us. My dog is staying with him because I feel I can no longer give the love to my son who has been the best companion in this journey. That was followed by physical therapy with dry needling which was a huge trigger because I can now no longer feel the needles into my face. That followed a coaching call somatic with body connection that left me activated due to having to touch the numbness and an appointment with the prescribing physician for me to vocalize what I would have appreciated in informed consent. She provided no detailed info about side effects, no information about kindling and hypersensitivity, and also didn’t apologize or accept any ownership. Pretty frustrating. It was 6 hours of intense suffering. Mostly I can’t won’t don’t want to do this.

i actually had a decent evening. A lovely friend brought over some groceries and I drank lots of decaf green tea. We got to read a little from a journal my Mom left me about her fight with cancer, which gave me the best cry I’ve had in a long time (I was almost sobbing & yes there were tears)! I had a lot of nuts and berries for dinner. I kinda smiled.

the conversation was mostly about regret. To be honest, I haven’t done anything other than shame and hate myself for taking the Lexapro, as I know that was what triggered all of this. The Trazedone reinstatement really set things off. Earlier in the process I had more sensation and electric zaps running through my body which have subsided to 5% tingling. My mind is basically a constant repeat of all of the things I did that led up to this point. Most specifically, not doing more research on the drug before putting it in my body, which is VERY unlike me.

almost 100% of my conversations today were about how poorly I view my mistakes. I’ve always been someone who loves life with an open heart. Lately, I’ve felt self centered, hateful, fear, negativity, self loathing, resentment, and shame. I’m operating on the lowest vibration I’ve ever been. To be honest, 100% of my conversations are about how sh*tty this whole experience is. Up to this point, I was a lover through and through. It’s not that he’s not still there but it feels like I can’t love in the ways I want to.

How do you two “fake it” around other people? I either want to be away from people usually in nature or ruminating or with people telling them my story. It feels inauthentic to fake a smile or pretend to be interested in something else. I feel like I need to pull away from loved ones to prevent pushing them away and/or fake something to “please” what they want to see. Like inside I’m doing terrible, but when asked say, “good”.. I’ve never been good at that. If anything, my mission is to leave this planet with grace. No matter what happens I won’t leave with bitterness and anger. Those emotions need to be transmitted for my soul to complete its mission.

My beautiful mother passed from cancer. It brought out some beautiful spirituality in her. She was able to do the things she loved up until the very end. What I hate most about this is feeling like it’s one of those “life changing” moments. I always felt like if I was given something terminal I would make the most of the time I had left and that the nature of it would give me more capacity to love and pursue what matters with the limited time I have left. What I think is the most cruel about this is that the body issues, lack of intellect and sensitivity to emotions leave me with much regret about things I wish I could have done….. I feel like it’s not fair to strip someone of their mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual well being simultaneously… the global nature of the symptoms … in 60 days I’ve lost most of what I remembered my body to be. In fact, I died with my soul leaving my body many times during that process. I don’t really know why I’m still here. The only thing that I can share is that my suffering has saved lives. I’m bitter about that, though. Maybe it’s an honor… not feeling that hurts.

thats it for now. I’ll check in the am.

Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom. I lost mine 7 years ago, and it is so difficult. All love.

To answer your question about faking it, I only did that with peripheral people. With my family and close friends, I was honest, because I didn’t want to make a mistake. I told them I tried a medication that has taken me out of sorts, and I’m letting you know in advance because I don’t want to make a mistake and hurt our relationship. Everyone was great about it.

I have healed so much I don’t need to fake anything. As I’ve said, I’m good mentally. Really good.

in terms of the shame or guilt of stupidly taking this medication, there’s a really great thread on here about that that I keep as an open tab on my iPad to refer to when I feel it. I’m not with my iPad right now but you can do a search for “shame” and it will probably pop up quickly.

I’m so glad to hear you had a decent evening. That’s awesome. I also drink green tea, and every now and again chamomile.

October 22, 2024

7 hours ago, devestated said:

@Onepillbupropion

@Catwoman73

I think for me the doubt comes in the negative response from the neural pathways. If my limbs were on fire, then I believe I could trust that one day it would calm down. To come back after nothingness ? Do you truly believe that is possible?

Yes, I do believe it's possible. Our neural pathways are not fixed, thankfully. We can reprogram them- this is the very basis for many forms of trauma therapy, including EMDR, and certain aspects of CBT. I am absolutely living proof of this. I have gone from polydrugged, with severe, crippling anxiety, resulting in a 50lb weight loss (down to 80lb at one point) to the most calm person I know. It is possible, but you have to do the work!

8 hours ago, devestated said:

This morning after the couch collapse I was visited by my stepdad, which was a challenging conversation for both of us. My dog is staying with him because I feel I can no longer give the love to my son who has been the best companion in this journey. That was followed by physical therapy with dry needling which was a huge trigger because I can now no longer feel the needles into my face. That followed a coaching call somatic with body connection that left me activated due to having to touch the numbness and an appointment with the prescribing physician for me to vocalize what I would have appreciated in informed consent. She provided no detailed info about side effects, no information about kindling and hypersensitivity, and also didn’t apologize or accept any ownership. Pretty frustrating. It was 6 hours of intense suffering. Mostly I can’t won’t don’t want to do this.

i actually had a decent evening. A lovely friend brought over some groceries and I drank lots of decaf green tea. We got to read a little from a journal my Mom left me about her fight with cancer, which gave me the best cry I’ve had in a long time (I was almost sobbing & yes there were tears)! I had a lot of nuts and berries for dinner. I kinda smiled.

So this is a LOT. It really is. Maybe before withdrawal, all of this would have been fine, but now, as you said, these things are triggers. Dry needling is a MASSIVE trigger for me, and I just can't do it anymore. I have to engage in much more gentle approaches. Pushing through things that trigger you will continue to set you back. If you identify a trigger, it's best to avoid it if you want your nervous system to calm down.

You said previously that you could cry, so congrats on the progress with that! And I'm very sorry about your mom. ❤️ Dealing with grief while going through this has to be making this journey much harder for you. Sadly, grief is one trigger you can't avoid. Like withdrawal, the only way out of that is through.

8 hours ago, devestated said:

the conversation was mostly about regret. To be honest, I haven’t done anything other than shame and hate myself for taking the Lexapro, as I know that was what triggered all of this. The Trazedone reinstatement really set things off. Earlier in the process I had more sensation and electric zaps running through my body which have subsided to 5% tingling. My mind is basically a constant repeat of all of the things I did that led up to this point. Most specifically, not doing more research on the drug before putting it in my body, which is VERY unlike me.

almost 100% of my conversations today were about how poorly I view my mistakes. I’ve always been someone who loves life with an open heart. Lately, I’ve felt self centered, hateful, fear, negativity, self loathing, resentment, and shame. I’m operating on the lowest vibration I’ve ever been. To be honest, 100% of my conversations are about how sh*tty this whole experience is. Up to this point, I was a lover through and through. It’s not that he’s not still there but it feels like I can’t love in the ways I want to.

We do have a good thread on this- I'm not sure if I gave it to you previously, so I'll link it below. These kinds of responses are set it our neural pathways too, which means you can work towards reprogramming them. I find grounding exercises helpful when I start to get into a shame spiral... these days, I am able to recognize the moment when it starts, and pull myself out of it with ease. After all, beating ourselves up is not going to help us heal, and it's going to make the journey absolutely miserable. None of us knew- that's why this site exists! All we can do is move forward.

Shame, guilt, regret, and self-criticism

8 hours ago, devestated said:

How do you two “fake it” around other people? I either want to be away from people usually in nature or ruminating or with people telling them my story. It feels inauthentic to fake a smile or pretend to be interested in something else. I feel like I need to pull away from loved ones to prevent pushing them away and/or fake something to “please” what they want to see. Like inside I’m doing terrible, but when asked say, “good”.. I’ve never been good at that. If anything, my mission is to leave this planet with grace. No matter what happens I won’t leave with bitterness and anger. Those emotions need to be transmitted for my soul to complete its mission.

I don't fake it with people that matter, like family and friends. But I also don't push myself to see people when I'm not up to it. I gently and calmly explain what is going on, and I answer any questions they might have. People, for the most part, do tend to be understanding and supportive. And if they're not- there's the door. That might sound harsh, but at 51 years old, I am done trying to maintain relationships where there is judgement and disbelief rather than support.

I do try to plan ahead for things that I really want to attend, like birthday parties, etc. Lots of rest and quiet before and after events so I can be at my best. And I only stay as long as I can without activating symptoms. When I am able to take care of myself like this, I generally do enjoy being with people, and I'm happy to engage in conversation, catch up and have some laughs. This is not possible when I'm overextended, pushing myself too hard, etc. It's all about finding that balance- taking care of yourself in a way that you are prepared to engage with others in a genuine way when you want to.

This is all likely much more difficult for people who were once really social, extroverted people. I am most definitely not that, even when I'm well. I'm an introvert, through and through lol. It's very easy for me to pull back socially because socializing has always been tiring for me, even pre long covid and withdrawal.

October 22, 2024

@Onepillbupropion

thanks for your response. I am also sorry to hear about the loss of your Mother. She would be heartbroken to see me like this. I feel it, deeply.

I woke up in a deeply SI place again this morning after 4 hours of nothing less sleep. With the Anhedonia, where does one bring meaning from life? It’s so hard to feel so misunderstood by people who think “you’re just depressed”. It’s a shame, really. I lost all of the best parts of myself and it’s hard to motivate any task. Coming from a high output individual like I was—I don’t see anything but 24/7 suffering each day. It’s turned me from a loving open person into a bitter and angry one. It drains those around me who love me. Watching someone you love suffer is the worst—especially with something like this. People think if you had just gotten out and tried harder then it wouldn’t be a shame. No, it’s the psychiatric medication and that choice that ruined my life. Not any mental illness. Anhedonic depression especially one that can be permanent from medication side effects is like being locked in a box with a timer and sent away from all the people who you love with an expiration date that feels ever present.

how could someone from the outside looking in make judgement ? Only those of us who have been chemically destroyed will really understand. What’s the point of enduring if it stays bland?

life for what?

green tea and chamomile are both good. I do find some peace while drinking tea.

i wanted a different life for myself.

does the numbness of your body hurt? My numb genitalia are like an ever present ache that makes every moment feel like agony.

October 22, 2024

@Catwoman73

thank you for your beautiful response.

I feel like you did not make a lot of the mistakes I did. Did you ever have Anhedonia? A lot of how your perspective applies I believe is how I would feel if I could feel some reward from it. The nothing emptiness other than working towards acceptance of that feels very pointless.

grief was what I was working through before all of this. The Anhedonia state and not really being able to truly feel my body or the grief is what makes it feel unbearable. Most times in life, you get through challenges and come out a better person. Like, life rewards those who suffer and put in the work. I don’t see what the upside is here—do the work, still feel numb and withdrawn from the World?

thanks for sharing your piece. I am an insanely extroverted person. So, feeling that inability to connect in a meaningful way is probably the worst part of this. My body wasting away, of course, is the other.

Spending time with people is a huge trigger, while at the same time isolation is bad. If I can’t feel connected, then what is the point? I don’t feel like I’m living anymore.

and it’s unclear to me how there could possibly be an upside. A full recovery? How? My system seems to adjust to the “new norm”, which is just a baseline blankness that seems to have no purpose. Where does the quality of life come from in this space?

October 22, 2024

@Catwoman73

@Onepillbupropion

i feel like both of you are slightly older and got to enjoy some of the beauty of life, like marriage and kids. That was all I wanted. It’s hard to feel like one choice ruined my life as if it was the defining moment. I spend most days wondering how long I can endure the agonizing emptiness.

I was a highly active, intellectual, intimate, sensual, motivated, friendly, loving, caring, and enjoyable person.

now, I don’t see the point in doing almost anything because of the reward system.

October 22, 2024

Before I forget, one other thing: my veins completely disappeared in my hands and arms for a while. I don’t remember how long. They are back to about 70-80%. Blood is flowing again. Keep fighting.

And good morning. In terms of the numb and pain, I was so numb in the beginning, yet also aware of what was going on, I just promised not to do anything stupid. I had regular aches and pains, two knee surgeries that are awesome, but if I overdo it will talk to me. I was so numb and hyper I could have Forrest Gump ran endlessly without stopping. I wouldn’t have felt a thing, and I never got tired or slept. I’m glad I had the awareness not to do that. It’s like being shot up as athletes to not feel pain and fight through it, only to pay worse when the meds wear off. Sound familiar? So now when I am back to my regular aches and pains of being “slightly older” :), I love it thoroughly. I had goose bumps yesterday and felt sentimental. Those didn’t exist a year ago. I also thought, “wow, I’m at the point wher I’m helping others (hopefully) instead of wondering when this odyssey will end, if it ever will”.

So I hope I’m helping. My biggest suggestions would be to listen to others on here’s suggestions, especially the mods. I just don’t talk to people on the outside world about it, at all. I stopped going to the doctor, even for checkups. I got my blood tested and know what to look for, so I’m good. As I said about the positive of this experience, I’ve never cared less what others think. That’s new to me. Like not even a little. To be specific, yes, I care about my family and friends and want to do right by them, but upholding a certain lifestyle, image or wondering if I’m liked or what people are saying about me? Nothing.

I can tell you that my attraction to the opposite sex is returning huge. I can get down on things, but I rely on data. And data shows healing.

thank you for sharing.

October 22, 2024

@Onepillbupropion

Without the reward system I don’t have much fight in me. everything I’ve been through there was an upside of being a better person. With Anhedonia, it just feels like I miss out on what matters in life, which is connection with others. The fight today was to get out of bed and move to the couch. It’s a general indifference towards life. Truly, what is the point of engaging in a life of empty solitude?

I’m not sure if I can go time without talking to someone about it. I just stare blankly into space almost all day everyday. When I lost my Mom, I learned… live life without regrets. Now, my life feels like one big regret.

it sounds like you had a less severe version of Anhedonia if you were still willing to run like Forrest Gump? I don’t even enjoy walking anymore and the pervasive numbness means that I’m unable to engage my body properly.

October 22, 2024

17 minutes ago, devestated said:

I feel like you did not make a lot of the mistakes I did. Did you ever have Anhedonia? A lot of how your perspective applies I believe is how I would feel if I could feel some reward from it. The nothing emptiness other than working towards acceptance of that feels very pointless.

Yes, I have experienced anhedonia. For many years, at one point, while my daughter was young. I completely lost those years. It's awful, I know. Getting by, one day at a time, is the best you can do when in that state. You are in very early days, and the nervous system is a notoriously slow healer. Getting well is going to require a great deal of patience and acceptance along the way.

My ability to accept what is comes with no external rewards at all. It hasn't cured my long covid, and it hasn't taken away my withdrawal issues. What it has done though, is made this journey more peaceful. It's an internal reward and a subtle one, but I appreciate it so much.

Many of the rewards of this journey come years down the road. That can make it very hard to see in these early stages. I did recover once, and had those two-ish blissful years where I felt normal. Aside from that, I've basically lost my entire adulthood to these drugs, and that's damned sad. But I absolutely can't wait to see who I am on the other side of this. THAT is the reward, and I know it's coming.

16 minutes ago, devestated said:

I was a highly active, intellectual, intimate, sensual, motivated, friendly, loving, caring, and enjoyable person.

You will be again! Many here have recovered! Like onepill said- you're not special, you will recover too. It's just going to take time.

5 minutes ago, devestated said:

I’m not sure if I can go time without talking to someone about it. I just stare blankly into space almost all day everyday. When I lost my Mom, I learned… live life without regrets. Now, my life feels like one big regret.

You should definitely talk to someone about how you are feeling/not feeling. I see a therapist every two weeks. I avoid psychiatry and their prescription pads like the plague nowadays, but I have an awesome psychotherapist who has helped me get into a much better mental state. I specifically told her that I need help with learning some coping mechanisms to get me through the rough times, and she has really come through!

October 22, 2024

@Catwoman73

patience and acceptance are two things I’m not sure that I want to cultivate while in this state. Overall, what is the point? It sounds like the motivation for you was your daughter who you persisted for. I can’t tell if this site just tried to keep people going for hope and optimism but I do appreciate how much you believe that. I’ve also seen lots of cases where this state of being is permanent. The global nature of my crash has me most concerned.

the whole therapy thing has felt pointless. I appreciate that you’re trying to push in the right direction and it’s never something I’ve been shy of. Prior to this, I saw multiple therapists weekly in addition to men’s work. What is the point if in 2 years I’m in a body that still doesn’t work?

from what I can tell most of the SSRI anhedonia and motivation / nervous system stuff seems like permanent changes. Plus, my nervous system feels like it died, quite literally.

seems like you have been on here a while. Have you seen a case as severe as mine come back? Someone like @Onepillbupropion and I who actually recovered full sensation after loosing it globally?

October 22, 2024

Acceptance doesn't mean accepting that this is forever. AT ALL. Acceptance means accepting that today sucks. That's all. This is what mindfulness is- staying in the moment, and not constantly railing against what is. I certainly don't accept that I will be like this forever. I know that I won't!

I don't keep moving forward for my daughter- never assume what keeps people going. I keep moving forward for ME. My daughter is almost totally grown now, and she will move on and have a wonderful life (I hope lol). But I have to keep looking myself in the mirror until the day I die. I can either do that with scorn and bitterness for what has been, or not, I choose the latter. I choose to live with hope, even on the worst possible days, where I'm bed bound, and can't make it to the bathroom unassisted. It's a choice I have to make every single day, but I do make that choice, because the alternative is not something I'm willing to live with. This is how I choose to fight.

It sounds to me like you just don't believe that things will ever get better. I can't change that- only you can. I strongly recommend you check out our success stories. There are people there who have been in the depths of hell, like you, and recovered. Don't forget, even onepill has seen improvements. And look up Angie Peacock's YouTube channel- she was on 17 drugs at once at one point, and has spent years recovering from a state that I can't even imagine. She is now a social worker and withdrawal coach- she interviews survivors on her channel. The stories are truly horrifying, but also filled with hope and promise. I watch her religiously, particularly on the bad days, when I need a healthy dose of optimism.

October 22, 2024

2 hours ago, Catwoman73 said:

Acceptance doesn't mean accepting that this is forever. AT ALL. Acceptance means accepting that today sucks. That's all. This is what mindfulness is- staying in the moment, and not constantly railing against what is. I certainly don't accept that I will be like this forever. I know that I won't!

This!

October 22, 2024

I've personally helped and spoken with quite a few members who "Swore" they were never going to heal and that this was permanent. All of them have gotten better and are moving forward with their lives. I truly do believe that everyone heals given enough time. How you pass that time is up to you, but you will heal at some point. We all do!

October 22, 2024

2 hours ago, devestated said:

Have you seen a case as severe as mine come back?

I read a case of a member who was bedridden for almost 10 years and they eventually healed. Granted he was an extreme case, but it just goes to show that everyone heals at some point!

October 22, 2024

@KenA

Have you met anyone with the severity of numbness like mine ? It gets worse everyday. I felt much differently early on in the process before double reinstatement took me to a place of what feels like no return. I just wish I had found this site before. I want to go back to health… to the moment that I knew in my gut that reinstatement was a bad option.

I don’t think I will be able to sustain this for 10 years. Each day feels more painful and more numb. Each day there is more withdrawal inward.

this has nothing to do with mental illness. There is zero, like zero, quality of life in this state. Plus, many people did not make the plethora of mistakes that I made.

my question to the group is: years and decades of suffering and wasting away?

I think what makes it the hardest for me is that I had an amazing quality of life. Sitting here now I have no clue why I took medication in the first place. It makes no sense. It’s like I’m here but not here and it kills everyone in my life watching me waste away like this.

October 22, 2024

Yep, I actually was blessed to have a mentor when I was going through my WD. She was way worse off than me. To the point where she had to live on her porch for 3 months because she was terrified to go inside her home. Had too many symptoms to count. And she healed. She's the one who guided me on my journey. I understand that what you are going through right now is the hardest thing you have ever faced in your life. It was for me as well. But I held on to the hope that I too would eventually heal like all the ones before me. And I did. There were plenty of days where I just survived. But I learned how to distract myself from the worst of it and how to accept what was happening to me. 10 years was an extreme case like I said. That amount of time is almost unheard of. Most everyone heals way sooner than that. Just used that as an example to let you know that everyone eventually heals at some point. It's inevitable. It doesn't matter what mistakes you made, you will still heal. This experience is going to be what you make of it. I used it as a learning opportunity to come to know myself and strengthen myself. The life you had before this isn't over. It's just on pause for now. It will resume once you have made it through this, and you will be even better than before. This is going to give you an inner strength you never knew you had. Just take it easy on yourself and do the best you can. I found distraction was an amazing thing for me. I learned how to do paint by numbers, etchings, models, got back in shape with long walks. Spent lots of time outside just sitting in the sun. You've got this and deep down inside you know you do. Rely on that inner strength and pull yourself through this! You can do it!

October 22, 2024

@KenA

Your mentor had full and complete body numbness as well as internal organs and external skin sensation?

I would be able to do it without the Anhedonia and emotional blunting. That part after the recent crash has just left me…. Like a vortex of nothingness. It makes connecting with the people I love impossible, which crushes my soul in a way that is indescribable.

unfortunately, I was in shape. Long walks with the Anhedonia leave me with what feels like nothing is the point. A numb body with a mind that feels no reward. Did you have that? I’m just watching pieces of my life fall apart with no interest in keeping up with it.

what about all the cases of Anhedonia that don’t heal? I’ve seen numerous people stuck here for 3, 5, 7, 15 years. I have yet to find a case that sounds as extreme as mine. It’s been 70 days and already it’s too much to bear. I am not worried about the inner resolve. I’ve always been a fighter.

the emotional body leaves me feeling disconnected from all that is or was. How does one persist as a Zombie? A shell? I can focus on nothing, be nothing. Your suggestions to “just be” are great. There is an inner restlessness though. The reason I stay is because 1) I don’t want to die & 2) I don’t want to transfer the pain onto the huge quantity of people I love & 3) I actually do love my life. The suffering is in feeling like I am unable to relate to it or be a part of it with my debilitating withdrawal.

the Anhedonia piece makes me think about food, cook something, look at the dishes and go, what’s the point and walk away. I look at messages from friends and go, what’s the point and walk away.

devestated: My Recent Journey in Withdrawal

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