Enitharmon: Advise regarding updosing and Mirt+Attivan taper

[Enitharmon]

Question about updosing and further handling of the drug tapers.

I already wrote a long text last year but now my situation and understanding is different (also regarding the nature of my condition last year).

Short background:
I don't want to get into specifics about the pace of my taper and the reasons for it, since it will take too much time and space. I'm aware of all the gudielines of hyperbolic taper, but due to circumstances and the condition of my mind and judgement (from the ongoing drug injury itself...) I keep making decisions that often hurt me.

The long story is less relevant at the moment, I've been on Paxil 20 years, but due to a combination of tragic circumstances now on Attivan 0.44mg (orginally taken FOR SLEEP while on paxil and then once off, not knowing how to come off safely and what it causes, about interdose withdrawal etc.) and Mirtazpaine 7mg.

I have been unable to come off the attivan ever since I started using it regularly for sleep. I'm quite certain I reached interdose withdrawal long time ago. Then when I did gained some knowledge about how to finally come off properly - I started using Mirtazpaine and stayed on the same dose of Attivan once at night...

The mirt taper so far:
I thought I should and could come off the mirt faster than recommended due to its severe symptoms (anhedonia, extreme sedation and brain fog, inability to function). But I kept taking it for months. I started tapering it a few months ago, doing about 15 percent reductions every 3 weeks or so, until I've reached the current dose of 7mg. The reductions didn't cause significant change until this last reduction, from 8.2 to 7mg, 3 weeks ago when some symptoms have gotten worse after about a week on this new dose. Especially the sedation, its unbearable and - I'm only able to function to the minimum -  the lobotomy feeling in the brain is stronger than ever, as well as the anhedonia, confusion and dp/dr.

In any case, I'm starting to be more convinced that I should have tapered the short-acting benzo first, despite taking the mirtazapine only for a couple of months and the benzo for more than a year, since the benzo was my initial problem before the colossal mistake of taking mirt. At least, I'm convinced that the first thing I should have done (since I'm already taking mirt for a couple of months when it's "too late" to simply stop it) is to space-out the benzo.

I'm not worried that my condition will remain like this for long, which will prevent me from tackling the Attivan, and I've thought of updosing to perhaps 7.5mg, but still didn't do it (as I've said, it's been 3 weeks since the last reduction from 8.2mg mirt to 7mg). I'm scared of kindling myself again like I did with the attivan.

***
Note about other substances:
I was also smoking indica weed and hash for certain periods during these last year. When I was only on the attivan - before the mirt - it was very beneficial and made me feel human and connected again. But then I stopped it. I went back to it later, this time after being a couple of months on mirt (and still on attivan), to ease intense chemical terror/internal akathisia - and it also helped. Recently when I tried again, it was also beneficial, but felt like it has less effect. I used it recently for a couple of days and then stopped. Even though it made my feel human, I'm afraid of continue using it. Another thing that was very beneficial was microdosing amanita muscaria mushrooms a year ago during the summer, while tapering (improperly) the attivan. I used to for 3 weeks and It brought a lot of benefit, I don't want to going into details, but it felt like I'm feeling "myself" for the first time. But, I stopped it due to obsessions about sleep and the other still present wd symptoms which at the time I was in the dark about their source and character. If I wasn't now on both attivan and mirt, I would get back to the microdosing. But this is something people here are less knowledgeable about, and I already know all of the warnings and recommendations regarding using psychoactive substances during taper.
***

I have to say that the sedation from the mirt has been rather unbearable all along, but after this last reduction it's somehow even worse, kind of like the first few weeks when I took it. It's not just tiredness, it's mental exhaustion that feels like practically someone has drained all the life force out of my brain.

My main questions now are, 1) should I try to updose back to 7.5mg mirtazpaine, or even to the last dose of 8.2. and 2) am I right in thinking to come off the attivan first, once stabilized (as much as possible...) on mirt, this time also spacing out the dose throughout the day first, despite Mirt having no benefit at at all bseides knocking me down to a horrible sleep of 10 hours, to which I prefer the lack of sleep I had before being on it, but due to the fact that the attivan was the main reason of my troubles to begin with, and that I have less of it to come off from. Is it a good idea to continue using weed/hash if it was helpful?

I'm in a very bad situation in life at the moment, with no human contact and no support, completely isolated and unable to work or pay the rent, after having my medicated wife leave me due to all this (and her drugs making her lose all compassion).

 

[Enitharmon]

Just a comment: Mirt was making me so ill and bad that I thought of stopping it even faster than I did, even CT, but eventually decided not to. I don't see how I can have a bearable life tapering it slowly, as it is draining every semblance of humanity from me.