cym4n87: introduction

[cym4n87]

Hey my Name is Simon and I stopped sertraline almost 4 years ago, which I had been taking for 20 months.
I went through absolute hell on earth and it's a miracle that I'm still alive today.

 

Currently there are still PSSD, anhedonia or tardive dysphoria, cognitive impairments and digestive problems. My brain still feels very badly damaged and that's why I don't think we can call this protracted withdrawal, but rather neurological damage. It's hard for me to even believe that I'll ever fully heal.

 

I also have an extreme intolerance to vitamin D. At the same time, I have a vitamin D deficiency. If I take even the smallest amounts of it, I get strong suicidal thoughts.

 

Is there anyone here who is in a similar situation?

 

Thanks for an answer

[Emonda]

Welcome @cym4n87

 

I'm sorry to hear you still have symptoms close to 4 years down the track.

 

I have heard Dr Mark Horowitz mention it can take 4 years to recover from stopping ADs too quickly, so your time frame is not unusual....not trying to down-play your experience, however.

 

Has anything improved compared to 4 years ago?

 

I'd encourage you to read some success stories. Plenty of people have recovered with time and patience, and there is no reason to believe otherwise for yourself.

 

Do you drink alcohol / take any recreational drugs?

 

Emonda

 

 

[cym4n87]

Thank you so much @Emonda for your encouraging words.🙂

It has improved very, very much. For the first two years I lived in pure hell. It was like I was the protagonist in a horror movie. There are no words to describe this pure terror. 
Almost every symptom has improved or disappeared but there has been very little improvement in PSSD and anhedonia.

Yes, I have read many success reports but unfortunately there are also many reports of people who have PSSD forever. That scares me.

I don't drink alcohol or take any other drugs. I pay attention to my diet and exercise regularly. I do everything I can to not hinder my healing.

It's very difficult for me to stay positive at the moment because so much time has passed and I always have to live with the uncertainty of not knowing how much longer and if at all.
 

[Emonda]

20 hours ago, cym4n87 said:

It has improved very, very much

 

There's cause for celebration!

 

20 hours ago, cym4n87 said:

Yes, I have read many success reports but unfortunately there are also many reports of people who have PSSD forever. That scares me.

 

You can find lots of horror stories on the internet. Focusing on the issue doesn't help. I have previously experienced these symptoms (for months, not years). Yep, it was distressing, but I kept myself busy, didn't focus on it, and things returned to 'normal'.

 

20 hours ago, cym4n87 said:

I don't drink alcohol or take any other drugs. I pay attention to my diet and exercise regularly. I do everything I can to not hinder my healing.

 

Keep up the good work 👍

 

20 hours ago, cym4n87 said:

t's very difficult for me to stay positive at the moment because so much time has passed and I always have to live with the uncertainty of not knowing how much longer and if at all.

 

Time and continued patience. I read from one of the former Moderators here, "look at how far you've come, not how far you have to go". As you said above, things have improved very, very much...look how far you've come.

 

Emonda

 

 

[cym4n87]

Thanks again @Emonda! It feels so good to read these encouraging words.

I've been feeling much better the last few days. I think I was in a tough wave when I wrote my first post here and I have now taken a significant step forward.

 

I have another question:

I once heard from Angie Peacock that if you are very sensitive to something, in my case vitamin D, that could mean that your body actually needs it. You only react in such an extreme way because it has a direct effect on the nervous system.

Has anyone had the experience that once you reach a certain level of healing, you no longer reacting negatively to supplements, but rather have a direct positive effect?

 

Thank you and kind regards!

[6Eggs]

This thread came up while I was searching D3, I have not tried it as I am scarred of sensitivity. I have lots of sensitivities, but most are to VOCs or volitile compounds in general, as a project man and a car nut, this is frustrating as the smallest amounts will give me symptoms, a chemical resporator has been a life saver.

As for vitamins. I was ok with C, omega oils, low amounts of B in things like vegimite seems fine.  I react to magnesium somewhat, not crash inducing, but gives me weird neological/autonomic symptoms for an hour or two.  Have not tried more than a few times. Tried B3 once and felt odd, not bad but was scared to try again.

I read that D3 is crucial for neurotransmitter stabilisation, in particular serotonin.   I have wild swings into pure despair/depression every now and then, it is better but still awful. Only started really getting them some 4-5 months after my last dose of Moclobemide, as well as PGAD symptoms. 

I too have PSSD, but not too bad now, only that during a wave I have far more PGAD instead these days and I honestly think it worse than PSSD and I had some of the worst PSSD imaginable at the beginning, but the pain and pure agony of the discomfort with PGAD is pretty unbearable.

So I am kind of interested if D3 might help improve mood and stability.  I do get deficiency during winter and it seemed to coincide with my worst 6-7 months.
And the thing is, it's self reinforcing as WD make you bed or home bound a lot,which equals far less sun than normal.

I also get bad bone and joint, feet and hand aches and pains, which apparently is common with not enough D3 due to bone softening and inflammation of cartilage. Not something I had a lot of before the WD, but def had them most years in winter and never knew the link to D3, but this might be it. I often got SAD during winter too if it was always overcast which often is for months at a time here which again might be linked to D3 and lack of for mood regulation.

Sorry to hear about the PSSD, I hate the sexual symptoms more than anything else and I too reckon I came close to dying from the WD, so that's saying something. I totally sympathise.

I too thought for sure I have brain damage, but MRIs and other tests show the contrary. All the tissue and neurons seem totally intact, but they aren't communicating correctly obviously.  Without a biopsy, no one can know for sure what has happened to cause such mayhem.  Clues in how my symptoms manifest and can change in situation different and mental thought processes to me suggests perhaps there is an over abundance of multiple redundant connections and they may also be connections to wrong areas and general alterations in how neurons sync up/communicate.  Synaptic pruning, culling connections and myelinating good ones is probably part of the recovery, but that takes years even in the sense of no injuries and normal mental development in healthy people.

 

[cym4n87]

On 10/29/2024 at 8:46 AM, 6Eggs said:

This thread came up while I was searching D3, I have not tried it as I am scarred of sensitivity. I have lots of sensitivities, but most are to VOCs or volitile compounds in general, as a project man and a car nut, this is frustrating as the smallest amounts will give me symptoms, a chemical resporator has been a life saver.

As for vitamins. I was ok with C, omega oils, low amounts of B in things like vegimite seems fine.  I react to magnesium somewhat, not crash inducing, but gives me weird neological/autonomic symptoms for an hour or two.  Have not tried more than a few times. Tried B3 once and felt odd, not bad but was scared to try again.

I read that D3 is crucial for neurotransmitter stabilisation, in particular serotonin.   I have wild swings into pure despair/depression every now and then, it is better but still awful. Only started really getting them some 4-5 months after my last dose of Moclobemide, as well as PGAD symptoms. 

I too have PSSD, but not too bad now, only that during a wave I have far more PGAD instead these days and I honestly think it worse than PSSD and I had some of the worst PSSD imaginable at the beginning, but the pain and pure agony of the discomfort with PGAD is pretty unbearable.

So I am kind of interested if D3 might help improve mood and stability.  I do get deficiency during winter and it seemed to coincide with my worst 6-7 months.
And the thing is, it's self reinforcing as WD make you bed or home bound a lot,which equals far less sun than normal.

I also get bad bone and joint, feet and hand aches and pains, which apparently is common with not enough D3 due to bone softening and inflammation of cartilage. Not something I had a lot of before the WD, but def had them most years in winter and never knew the link to D3, but this might be it. I often got SAD during winter too if it was always overcast which often is for months at a time here which again might be linked to D3 and lack of for mood regulation.

Sorry to hear about the PSSD, I hate the sexual symptoms more than anything else and I too reckon I came close to dying from the WD, so that's saying something. I totally sympathise.

I too thought for sure I have brain damage, but MRIs and other tests show the contrary. All the tissue and neurons seem totally intact, but they aren't communicating correctly obviously.  Without a biopsy, no one can know for sure what has happened to cause such mayhem.  Clues in how my symptoms manifest and can change in situation different and mental thought processes to me suggests perhaps there is an over abundance of multiple redundant connections and they may also be connections to wrong areas and general alterations in how neurons sync up/communicate.  Synaptic pruning, culling connections and myelinating good ones is probably part of the recovery, but that takes years even in the sense of no injuries and normal mental development in healthy people.

 

@6Eggs 

Thank you for your post.

 

I'm sorry that you also suffer from hypersensitivity, PSSD and PGAD, yes, it's terrible.

 

I've decided not to experiment with D3 for now. Even though, according to "science", I suffer from a deficiency. Who really knows if that's true. I was also told that SSRIs are a good thing and they've ruined my life, so why should I trust these criminals. I'll trust my gut and only try D3 again in six months. If I still can't tolerate it then, I'll wait another six months, etc.

But I'll try to go out in the sun as often as I can.

 

I also suspected that an excessive number of redundant connections had developed in the brain under the influence of the SSRIs. It seems as if there are an incredible number of connections that only work when there is this high serotonin level. The "old" connections are underdeveloped or have even been completely "pushed over". The brain basically has to "forget" the new connections and cultivate the old ones again. This theory makes perfect sense to me and the symptoms felt like it. Especially in relation to the hypersensitivity, I can imagine that these substances reactivate the regions in the brain that the brain is actually in the process of "forgetting". Yes, unfortunately it obviously takes a lot of time. Much longer than I could have ever imagined.

[6Eggs]

Thanks for the kind words.

I never really confirmed with actual research papers and what not if that is indeed what happens with drug use, only just know from a youtube video by some psych drug expert on PAWS and addiction etc..., that she said that part of the adaptation to drugs, it's not only the receptors are lost or increased depending on the drug type, but physical new pathways and connections are formed to try to work around the incorrectly functioning original ones that no longer work properly due to the drugs, and then the new ones don't work right, so more pathways are formed and so forth.

And this is what supposedly a lot of the PAWS symptoms come from, the pruning and reorganizing of excess connections, fixing non functioning ones etc...

I recently learned that the brain sort of keeps on this development far into adulthood, and one of the last significative stages peaks at age 29 where the peak number of white matter occurs.  These are in the deeper functional parts of the brain that do all the automatic things and keep you alive etc... The grey matter is more the cognitive/thinking matter in very basic terms.  I know that WD involves more of the hard wiring that is this white matter and related areas.

So if it takes so damn long for just to mature the brain, especially areas related to WD and these symptoms, it is no wonder why WD is such a slow and long process.

Yeah the sensitively sucks, but it is surely improving though.  I can tolerate some things a lot better, but only relatively speaking because of how far at rock bottom I had to start from.

I count myself very lucky that no foods seem to have effect on me, even caffeine does not negatively effect me in any way that I noticed compared to the normal stuff healthy people get, ie, more than a few a day makes it harder to fall asleep.

I love food too much to be able to refrain from liming due to sensitivities, so I am happy I have none that I am aware of.

The solvent sensitivity is likely well before any drugs but they were far more mild. Just from decades of use I think and I had at least one severe one from MEK which happened immediately on low exposure years before I took meds, it was also the first time I ever was exposed or used that stuff and I did not feel good at all.  But stuff like acetone effect most people pretty badly, I had almost a reverse effect, it can affect me a little if I used it for a while in large amounts but then I couldn't even smell it in the end nor feel any effect using it for long periods of time.  People would say it really stinks in here and I am going to poison myself, but I would literally smell nothing, as if the air in the workshop was as fresh as outside. I wouldn't notice anything either.

Obviously I know much better now, I just mask up with a chemical respirator no matter what, even for stuff that is said to be safe as I get reactions to stuff I couldn't even find any data saying it's unsafe.  Good example is windex, that stuff makes me ill and set off a few crashes, the wipes to be more exact. I couldn't find any ingredients in the SDS that could have negative effects. I can't explain that one, but happens almost every time.

I almost wonder if my brain has conditioned itself to trigger a physical response that mimics WD when I smell a particular smell, even for just a sec.

I don't know which is it, a mentally induced physical reaction, or a chemically induced reaction.

[Altostrata]

Hello, @cym4n87 How have your symptoms changed since you came off in February 2021?

[cym4n87]

Hello, @Altostrata
It's so hard to remember all the symptoms now. It is almost impossible to think back to the acute phase.

The healing brain does an excellent job of overcoming these terrible traumatizing experiences.

I can vaguely remember that it felt like very little had changed in the first two years. It was pure hell.

It was like I was living in another universe and had no connection to reality and myself as a person.

In the third and fourth years, the DP/DR, anhedonia, cognitive impairment and digestive problems improved very linearly.

Very very slowly and always with an up and down pattern.

Recently the PSSD has also improved very significantly.
There is absolutely no doubt about my healing anymore.
I don't want to go out on a limb, but I think I'll write my success story this year.

Thank you so much for your work and for this platform!
 

[thenextguy]

2 hours ago, cym4n87 said:

Hello, @Altostrata
It's so hard to remember all the symptoms now. It is almost impossible to think back to the acute phase.

The healing brain does an excellent job of overcoming these terrible traumatizing experiences.

I can vaguely remember that it felt like very little had changed in the first two years. It was pure hell.

It was like I was living in another universe and had no connection to reality and myself as a person.

In the third and fourth years, the DP/DR, anhedonia, cognitive impairment and digestive problems improved very linearly.

Very very slowly and always with an up and down pattern.

Recently the PSSD has also improved very significantly.
There is absolutely no doubt about my healing anymore.
I don't want to go out on a limb, but I think I'll write my success story this year.

Thank you so much for your work and for this platform!
 

Wow! 🤩 Please tell us more about what happened the last few months.

[Altostrata]

18 hours ago, cym4n87 said:

Hello, @Altostrata
It's so hard to remember all the symptoms now. It is almost impossible to think back to the acute phase.

The healing brain does an excellent job of overcoming these terrible traumatizing experiences.

I can vaguely remember that it felt like very little had changed in the first two years. It was pure hell.

It was like I was living in another universe and had no connection to reality and myself as a person.

In the third and fourth years, the DP/DR, anhedonia, cognitive impairment and digestive problems improved very linearly.

Very very slowly and always with an up and down pattern.

Recently the PSSD has also improved very significantly.
There is absolutely no doubt about my healing anymore.
I don't want to go out on a limb, but I think I'll write my success story this year.

Thank you so much for your work and for this platform!
 

 

Excellent news, hearing about even slow recovery is very important to the community. Thank you!