A Benefit Of Withdrawal

[FeralCatman]

I realized something this morning while listening to a Buddhist monk talk about suffering. There's been a huge benefit to me from going through this awful withdrawal process that was really very unexpected.

 

My life has not been the easiest by a long shot and I was born into a family that was incapable of actually caring for a child. Other than food and a roof over my head I've pretty much been on my own since the day I popped out into the world because growing up I had nobody but myself. I raised myself with my books and my Legos and my dreams and the television. I taught myself to cook when I was 5 years old. When I was nine I became deathly ill from exposure to chemicals that the owner of the apartment complex where we lived was dumping all over the place and the doctors at the hospital told my parents I wasn't going to make it.  I am now 54 years old. I've suffered all kinds of abuse both as a kid and also as an adult especially in the mental health system. I've carried a lot of anger as a result but I didn't always feel it and of course that comes out in all kinds of ways that you don't expect and it doesn't do anything good for you.

 

I realized this morning that until recently I was never able to fully process or experience or feel my life experiences they had just gotten suppressed and stuffed and then came out in other ways that I didn't even realize at the time that that was what was happening.

 

As part of this withdrawal process I experienced 14 months of something the benzodiazepine community refers to as Life review. Others call it intrusive memories. Others call them flashbacks. This is the process in which your brain digs up all sorts of memories and emotions and sort of mixes them up in a blender and it all comes vomiting out. It started with a memory of the taste of Lincoln Logs which I used to chew on. For many months the process accelerated. It was very scary and extremely painful and there was nothing I could do to control it all I could do was experience it. It's really a pretty awful process to be honest.

 

What I realized this morning is going through that has been the first time in my life that I was ever able to feel my life. I had never fully allowed myself to experience the pain and the grief that resulted from all of these things that have happened to me. Now that I have experienced it and all of its messiness it's allowed me to start letting go of all that anger and start feeling a bit more peaceful about my life and where I've been and where I am and where I'm headed. Not all of it is resolved because there's just way too much but it's something I'm confident that I can work on now because I'm no longer afraid to experience it. Now when it wants to comes out I just let it come out and just pray that it's not while I'm standing in the grocery store.

 

So that has been a huge benefit to this process and it really is changing my life for the better in ways that I couldn't have expected. Given the choice I certainly wouldn't have done it this way but since I didn't have a choice at least I can reap the benefits and see a way to a better life and more importantly a much more peaceful life.

 

For those of you out there who don't think you can make it just keep hanging in there because better days are coming and there will be benefits to going through this I promise you. You just have to keep going. I'm definitely not done with this process but I am certainly well on my way to a much better life and you will too.

 

Healing happens 😉✌️😻😻😻

[Thorin]

13 minutes ago, FeralCatman said:

I realized something this morning while listening to a Buddhist monk talk about suffering. There's been a huge benefit to me from going through this awful withdrawal process that was really very unexpected.

 

My life has not been the easiest by a long shot and I was born into a family that was incapable of actually caring for a child. Other than food and a roof over my head I've pretty much been on my own since the day I popped out into the world because growing up I had nobody but myself. I raised myself with my books and my Legos and my dreams and the television. I taught myself to cook when I was 5 years old. When I was nine I became deathly ill from exposure to chemicals that the owner of the apartment complex where we lived was dumping all over the place and the doctors at the hospital told my parents I wasn't going to make it.  I am now 54 years old. I've suffered all kinds of abuse both as a kid and also as an adult especially in the mental health system. I've carried a lot of anger as a result but I didn't always feel it and of course that comes out in all kinds of ways that you don't expect and it doesn't do anything good for you.

 

I realized this morning that until recently I was never able to fully process or experience or feel my life experiences they had just gotten suppressed and stuffed and then came out in other ways that I didn't even realize at the time that that was what was happening.

 

As part of this withdrawal process I experienced 14 months of something the benzodiazepine community refers to as Life review. Others call it intrusive memories. Others call them flashbacks. This is the process in which your brain digs up all sorts of memories and emotions and sort of mixes them up in a blender and it all comes vomiting out. It started with a memory of the taste of Lincoln Logs which I used to chew on. For many months the process accelerated. It was very scary and extremely painful and there was nothing I could do to control it all I could do was experience it. It's really a pretty awful process to be honest.

 

What I realized this morning is going through that has been the first time in my life that I was ever able to feel my life. I had never fully allowed myself to experience the pain and the grief that resulted from all of these things that have happened to me. Now that I have experienced it and all of its messiness it's allowed me to start letting go of all that anger and start feeling a bit more peaceful about my life and where I've been and where I am and where I'm headed. Not all of it is resolved because there's just way too much but it's something I'm confident that I can work on now because I'm no longer afraid to experience it. Now when it wants to comes out I just let it come out and just pray that it's not while I'm standing in the grocery store.

 

So that has been a huge benefit to this process and it really is changing my life for the better in ways that I couldn't have expected. Given the choice I certainly wouldn't have done it this way but since I didn't have a choice at least I can reap the benefits and see a way to a better life and more importantly a much more peaceful life.

 

For those of you out there who don't think you can make it just keep hanging in there because better days are coming and there will be benefits to going through this I promise you. You just have to keep going. I'm definitely not done with this process but I am certainly well on my way to a much better life and you will too.

 

Healing happens 😉✌️😻😻😻

This is a profound post. As someone going through Benzo withdrawal who has experienced the most severe life review for months and months on end I know just how excruciatingly painful and overwhelming it can be. I hope I come out the other side of it like you are. Proud of you mate.