NardilTime: recovery from polydrugging after 3 years

[NardilTime]

Hello everyone and Altrostrata! While I am not entirely asymptomatic, I believe my recovery has reached a point where I can write a success story. I am a 46 year old male. I have been off psychiatric drugs for 3 years and 3 months. The number of drugs I took are so many, and the time was so chaotic and confusing, that I can only guess when trying to list them. But the main culprit was Effexor, which I took every day of my life from the age of 23 to the age of 42. Once I started having adverse reactions, there was a “prescription cascade”. The psychiatrists, at various times, gave me Lexapro, Celexa, Prozac, Zoloft, Lithium, Nardil, Bupropion, Abilify, Seroquel, Hydroxyzine, and more that I have forgotten. I was often on more than one medication at once, usually at least three, and at one point five. In January of 2021, after trying everything else and being convinced it was the pills that were killing me, I fired my psychiatrist and went against medical advice determined to get drug free. At that point I was taking Nardil, at a dose of 45 mg per day. I weaned over the course of 8 months and jumped off at the end of August 2021. Here is my story in a little more detail.

 

As a teenager I developed an social anxiety problem that I self-medicated with marijuana. I was a daily user and, by the time I was college-age, I had a serious developmental deficit. I was not able to function at school and ended up back with my parents. At 22, I decided to get sober and do everything I could to reach my goals. In addition to participating in a 12-step program, I started seeing mental health professionals. I had a very good psychologist who helped me a great deal. As part of therapy, he suggested I see a psychiatrist (whose office was across the hall) and see if psychiatric medications could help me.

 

The appointment was probably fifteen minutes. She was a kind woman who clearly was interested in helping me, and she prescribed 150 mg of Effexor. I can remember feeling a little off for maybe a week when I started taking it, and then I felt nothing. I continued to have depression, and over time she increased the dose to the maximum, 450 mg. I cannot say I ever felt anything from that drug. I just kind of felt like they were very mild drugs that maybe were affecting me slightly without my realizing it. But I wanted to do everything I could to get better, so I kept taking them. By continuing to stay sober, go to 12 step meetings, and see a psychologist, my life got better. I went to a Community College and graduated with a 2-year degree. I was accepted to a four-year university and I got stellar grades, graduating in 2 ½ years. I was accepted to law school, graduated with good grades, and became a lawyer. Things were working.

 

Looking back, the problems with the drugs started a lot sooner that I realized. After a few years, I started having sexual problems. I knew these were well known side effects, and I was not in a relationship, so I just ignored them. I figured that, when the time was right, I’d get off the pills and everything would go back to normal. But I also started having some cognitive issues. I’ve always been a good writer, and suddenly I was having a lot of difficulty getting words on paper. I could not organize my thoughts. Legal writing is a little different than normal writing, and I was completely lost. At that point I had been on the pills for probably five years, so it never occurred to me that they could be causing my writing problems.

 

The first real sign that something was wrong happened towards the end of law school. I met a girl and wanted to be in a relationship, so the sexual side effects were now a problem. I talked to the psychiatrist and we decided it was time to get off the medication (or at least get on a lower dosage). I followed her instructions and started tapering down. I can’t remember exactly how she told me to do it, but in retrospect it was ridiculously fast. I got down from 450 mg to around 225 mg and all hell broke loose. I was a complete wreck. I could barely talk and I had this overwhelming feeling of impending doom. I went back up to a higher dose, stabilized, and started going down slower. I made it to 150 mg and my sexual function came back, so I stayed there. I had probably been on the pills for 7 years at that point, and for the first time I started to wonder if maybe I had an issue. What the doctor was telling me did not seem to reflect my experience, but I set it aside and figured I’d deal with it when the time was right. I was in my last year of law school, and I had the bar exam coming up.

 

After law school, and the bar exam, I set out to pursue a career in politics. I worked on several political campaigns around the country, and eventually decided to head back home to Upstate New York and started working for a small law firm. I had noticed that, when I was stressed, I started having strange feelings in my extremities. This is where it becomes difficult to tell the story. It is very hard to describe the symptoms I had from psychiatric drugs once I hit the ten-year mark. Suddenly I had extreme anxiety, feelings of doom, physical sensations that I had never felt before, all of which I just assumed were the result of a mental health condition. And my “suspicions” were confirmed by my doctors. Regardless, there was a part of me that was not entirely convinced. I kept asking them about the medications. Could they be doing this to me? No, the doctors said. You are mentally ill, and not only should you not get off your medications, but you also need different medications, you need MORE medications. So, I was off and running. For the next decade I was switched on and off pills, given new combinations, told I was “treatment resistant”, and hospitalized twice. I now know that I had, to varying degrees, a condition called “akathisia”. Most of the time it was at a low level, just beneath the surface, so I was able to work (and my career flourished, by some miracle), but when I would get my medication switched (or when I once disastrously tried to get off the pills entirely over the course of 6 weeks) the akathisia would explode. I had full blown akathisia for 10 months at one point, and I truly do not know how I survived. I could not get my body to relax, had to sit when standing and stand when sitting, never any relief. All the while my mind was scrambled. I managed to survive at work, but I was not capable of anything that required serious cognitive ability. I faked it or tried to piggyback off the work of others. And I was severely isolated. I had one girlfriend during that time, and she threw in the towel after three years of struggle. By the end of 2020 I was alone, sick, confused, scared, and ready to end it. I figured I would go for broke and try to get off the drugs, a Hail Mary attempt to save my life. If it didn’t work, that would be the end of me.

 

I cannot remember exactly how I tapered off my final psychiatric drug, Nardil. I think I was on three 15 mg pills, and I just started to cut them in half. At first, the withdrawal was not horrible. Once I started cutting into the second pill, I was in big trouble. Extremely sick, could barely make it to work, and when I was there, I was no longer able to fake it. At each reduction (usually a quarter of a pill) I would wait until I was able to get out of bed and then I would go down again. I did not wait until I was asymptomatic at each step down, or I never would have gotten off. I was desperate to get these poisons out of my body, so I pushed the taper schedule as much as I could and when I was on a half pill in late August, I just stopped taking it. I went drug free in August of 2021.

 

The next two years were hell on a different level. How can I explain withdrawal to people who have never experienced it? My nervous system was on fire. My mind was in a constant stream of insanity. I didn’t know if it was truly withdrawal or if this was my “underlying condition”. What a bunch of nonsense that term is. Twenty years of taking a synthetic chemical had done unbelievable damage. The “waves and windows” pattern of recovery is particularly cruel. I would feel better, then I would feel even worse than before. If I tried to exercise, I would have severe repercussions within hours. My body temperature would spike to 103 and stay there for half a day (my only explanation is serotonin regulates body temp, and mine was all screwed up). I’d be shaking like a leaf. I did a lot of walking during that time. I went on medical leave at work, then when the leave was up, I resigned. I lost my apartment and had to move in with my parents. I was back where I started at 22 years old. To those reading this post who are wondering if you are experiencing withdrawal or an underlying condition, if the symptoms are unlike anything you have ever experienced, either in type or severity, and you find yourself on this website, it’s a safe bet you have withdrawal.

 

In time, things got better. As my mind cleared, I was struck at how inebriated I had been even before I had noticeable adverse effects. I was walking through life like a zombie. A well-known psychiatrist calls this “medication spellbinding”. You just don’t know what is happening to you. Sexual function started to return, and I’ve been able to exercise again. I still have my difficulties, but I am working and dating. The biggest challenge at this point is gaining the coping mechanisms for life that decades of drugging has robbed from me. I’m a 22-year-old in a 46-year-olds body. My career has been devastated and I was forced to take a job with responsibilities well below my capabilities. And, of course, I am alone. I have never married or had children. I know in my heart that none of these things would have happened if I had never been prescribed these drugs.

 

However, no matter how much my life has been destroyed, I have recovered. And that is the point of this forum, right? Confirmation that what you, dear reader, are feeling and what you are experiencing is the result of a toxic drug. You are not crazy. And, if you can remove them from your system and stay drug-free, you will become healthy again. Our bodies know the blueprint, and given enough time they will return to factory settings. I hope this story gives you hope. Even those of us who, like me, took the drugs for decades DO recover. It’s a long process, and the suffering is beyond understanding (or at least it was for me), but it dims and then ends.

 

I check in to this forum every few weeks, and I am always happy to serve as a resource for people who are struggling. I want to give my heartfelt thanks to Altostrata for starting this website. What an amazing impact she has had on the lives of so many suffering people. I’d be dead without her, and I can never repay my debt to her and the moderators of this forum.

 

Here is a link to my Intro topic: 

 

[Emonda]

Wow, @NardilTime.

 

Thank you for writing this. You have encouraged me greatly.

 

On 11/24/2024 at 11:11 AM, NardilTime said:

I have recovered. And that is the point of this forum, right? Confirmation that what you, dear reader, are feeling and what you are experiencing is the result of a toxic drug. You are not crazy. And, if you can remove them from your system and stay drug-free, you will become healthy again. Our bodies know the blueprint, and given enough time they will return to factory settings. I hope this story gives you hope. Even those of us who, like me, took the drugs for decades DO recover.

 

This is brilliant.

 

I tried CT before finding this site several times without success...slow and steady is the way to go. Sadly, we don't all have slow tapering information at our disposal when we need it. I hope this changes in the future...there are glimmers of hope on this front.

 

I admire your strength and tenacity.

 

Congrats, Emonda.

[Onepillbupropion]

Congratulations and continued healing to you.  As someone still on the journey to healing but definitely turning the corner, I look forward to the time I can do this as well, especially being 53.  Great job.  Good luck and God bless.

 

Edit:  I went back and read all your original intro.  So glad the sexual function has returned.  It’s my final piece to this horrible puzzle.  I’m SO. DARN. CLOSE.

[Jane318]

@NardilTime - This was so encouraging - thank you for taking the time and effort to write this!

 

As someone who is approaching 70, 46 seems awfully young to me - you have many, many years ahead of you, time to grow and thrive and hopefully find a life partner and family.  Best wishes to you!

[Tuikea]

Thank you for sharing and congratulations on getting drug free.

I can understand the suffering you have been through and wish you all the best for continued healing and peace.

You are one hell of a strong person to make it through that hell.

I am 5 weeks drug free from Venlafaxine and your words are of great comfort to my healing process.

Don't give up on finding your sole mate we don't know what tomorrow will bring.

[Cheeky]

OMG thank you so much for posting your success and coming back to tell us all . I will print this out and put it on my fridge to keep me going . I so needed to read this today . God bless you 

[Jennings]

Congratulations.  It's hell isn't it?  

 

After going through this you will be able to handle anything going forward.

[terpsichore]

Congratulations on your recovery, and thank you for sharing this. I definitely can relate to the cognitive decline caused by venlafaxine.

[Freyja]

Thanks for posting your update recovery story. These stories give us all hope and as you say if not for this forum, many of us would not be here or would be struggling along in withdrawal or still on the drugs. 

 

We need to be shouting this out from the roof tops to the medical profession. If they do not warn people of the dangers of these medications and the difficultly in coming off them, it is simply malpractice. 

[KenA]

Thank you for sharing your success story with us @NardilTime! Stories like yours truly do help others to know that healing will happen! Best wishes for continued success!

[thenextguy]

This is incredibly inspiring @NardilTime. I can relate to quite a bit of it. Thank you so much for sharing. 

[LukeUK]

Thank you for posting this success story.

 

I hope that you can build a happy life, and in time, it is full, and that you no longer feel a sense of "missing out" or regret.

[George969]

Congrats! And thanks for posting! 
 

Can you train with weights as before now? I was a bodybuilder before this all happened and I am now struggling to do more than warm-up sessions at 2 years off.

[NardilTime]

On 12/19/2024 at 12:56 PM, George969 said:

Congrats! And thanks for posting! 
 

Can you train with weights as before now? I was a bodybuilder before this all happened and I am now struggling to do more than warm-up sessions at 2 years off.

Hi George969. I cannot, but I’m not too far off. I continue to improve all the time and I would imagine by this time next year my exercise schedule will be what it was before withdrawal. You’ll get there too. Just give your body time to readjust, it’s a long process but it’ll happen. Good luck! 

[JLR96]

On 12/23/2024 at 2:49 PM, NardilTime said:

Hi George969. I cannot, but I’m not too far off. I continue to improve all the time and I would imagine by this time next year my exercise schedule will be what it was before withdrawal. You’ll get there too. Just give your body time to readjust, it’s a long process but it’ll happen. Good luck! 

I‘ve noticed with myself that any sort of physical activity tends to make me extremely shaky, and I find it difficult to move my arms properly afterwards for hours. Is this something that gets better with time? I really want to get back to trying to head to the gym, going back to work etc but this is something I struggle heavily with. It’s almost like I have drug induced Parkinson’s or essential tremors. 
 

I did read somewhere online that drug induced tremors don’t always disappear after removing the drug, a young guy had them for about 4 years or so after quitting his antidepressant but managed to recover from it. 

[NardilTime]

You can read anything online. I was certain I’d never recover from these drugs. But I did. I’m not saying there aren’t instances where people have permanent damage (PSSD being the biggest example) but it seems for the most part that people recover. You’ve only been off for about 6 months. Give it time, you’ll recover. 

[Thorin]

On 12/31/2024 at 1:20 PM, NardilTime said:

You can read anything online. I was certain I’d never recover from these drugs. But I did. I’m not saying there aren’t instances where people have permanent damage (PSSD being the biggest example) but it seems for the most part that people recover. You’ve only been off for about 6 months. Give it time, you’ll recover. 

I feel I need to say that in time you’ll be able to find a better job and people get married later than 46. These drugs steal a lot from us, including from me (45m) but we still have half our life left.

[Greenfox]

Hello Nardiltime

How long did the withdrawal last for you? I'm in the 2nd year and it takes forever, with the 2nd year being better than the 1st year. And did you have obsessive thoughts during withdrawal? At the moment this is the second biggest problem for me next to fear.

[NardilTime]

Hi @Greenfox…first year was BRUTAL! Second year was better but not by much. The entire time I had horrible obsessive thoughts. It was extremely disturbing. At around 2.5 years I was able to work again but I still struggled. At 3 years off the drugs I turned a major corner. Now at 3 years and 4 months I feel largely recovered and I’m trying to get my exercise routine back to what it was. Obsessive thinking it far far better. Just hang in there. 

[Greenfox]

Thanks Nardiltime,

 

I'm sticking with it, but many times I've told myself that this can't go on like this and many times I've told myself that I want to start taking antidepressants again. Every time the wave came, I was desperate. But I'm glad I persevered. Escitalopram is one of the most difficult antidepressants to escape. I am aware of this and yet I believe in a happy ending where I will live without withdrawal symptoms. Do you know what the two of us and all those who fought through this terrible withdrawal phase or won the battle...? We are the real heroes who have won or will win the war. I congratulate you from the bottom of my heart for getting through this. BRAVO, respect!!!

[NardilTime]

3 hours ago, Greenfox said:

Thanks Nardiltime,

 

I'm sticking with it, but many times I've told myself that this can't go on like this and many times I've told myself that I want to start taking antidepressants again. Every time the wave came, I was desperate. But I'm glad I persevered. Escitalopram is one of the most difficult antidepressants to escape. I am aware of this and yet I believe in a happy ending where I will live without withdrawal symptoms. Do you know what the two of us and all those who fought through this terrible withdrawal phase or won the battle...? We are the real heroes who have won or will win the war. I congratulate you from the bottom of my heart for getting through this. BRAVO, respect!!!

Thank you very much Greenfox. It was a long and hard fight but time was on my side, and it’s on your side too. You will eventually make a full recovery, it is inevitable. Feel free to DM me if you need to talk further. 

[lindy01]

Many may congratulations you have given me a glimmer of hope that I will win through too! Wishing you continued success