sisitecandy: My story

[sisitecandy]

Hello, 

I had PTSD, burnout and anorexia nervosa since I was 17, in 2019-2020, my parents forced me to take psychiatric medication because sometimes I would scream and cry a lot because of the flashbacks, and also they were worried about my weight (I was 44kg and I'm 5'4). I have been taking 0.625mg of olanzapine and 20mg escitalopram for a year in 2022. I couldn't handle the weightgain because of my body dysmorphia so I quit the olanzapine cold turkey, my doctor said I took a very small dose so I will be fine? I switch to paroxetine and took it for a whole year in 2023 but developped severe OCD and insomnia and I started to think it was the medication causing it because I never had these symptoms ever even with the illness. So I started to reduce my dose but I think I tapered off too quick because I ended up having the worst withdrawals (restless, no sleep, mood swings ect..). I ended up having an accident during the withdrawals and breaking my nose, medical error from the doctor that thought it wasn't broken and now it's crooked, making my body dysmorphia go crazy so I had a lot of mental breakdowns after that. My parents couldn't handle this so they decided to go back to the psychiatrist. The doctor wanted me to take both SSRIS and antipsychotics, but since I was scared I would get ocd again from the ssri, I only agreed to the antipsychotic. I ended up taking 50mg of amisulpride in 2024, had to take 25mg since august because I stopped getting my periods, and now I decided to slowly taper them off. 

 

I want to say that, even if I had PTSD, yes it wasn't great but it's nothing compared to being on these medications. I used to feel so much before, I used to paint, draw, have so much motivation, passion, used to love animals (I still do but I don't feel much around them anymore). Life was amazing before taking these drugs, even with an illness, there were really good moments, now it's never good ever.. It's just bad and numb and like I'm not even fully here anymore. I am scared, reading how some people don't go back to their self fully makes me suicidal, that their creativity and passion was gone and is nowhere near what it used to be even after years off meds is making me want to end it all. I feel like my brain has been destroyed forever and I will never be able to enjoy life again, I feel like I will be one of those people who never recover. I used to be an artist, I was learning by myself how to paint watching youtube videos, I aspired to be a self-taught digital artist but now it's been 3 years that I have no motivation and no passion to do what I used to love, is it gone forever.. Will I ever go back to myself again? I feel like 3 years is too much to be taking these meds, and I'm injured to the point of no return even thought my dosage wasn't too high and is considered the lowest dose, the fact that I let these drugs destroy my life and the regret from taking them is just eating me alive. 

Edited December 1, 2024 by Emonda
Name to title

[Jane318]

Greetings @sisitecandy, and welcome to SA!  We are a community of volunteers providing peer support in the tapering of psychiatric medications and their associated withdrawal syndromes. 

 

Thank you for completing your signature.  So the moderators can best help you, please provide more information about your amisulpride prescription.  When in 2024 did you start it?  You went from 50 mg 25 mg in one jump in August correct?  Please provide more information about your taper since then, if any - dates and dosages for each cut.  Also, please confirm my understanding that this is the only drug you are taking at present, correct?  If you are taking any other prescription medications or supplements, please list them also.  

 

I am sorry for all you have suffered.  I want to assure you that you will heal from this, although it will likely take several months or longer before you feel like yourself again.  But you will.  In your favor:  you are young and you were not on the drugs that long, at least compared to many of us.  You will recover.

 

On 12/1/2024 at 10:34 AM, sisitecandy said:

I want to say that, even if I had PTSD, yes it wasn't great but it's nothing compared to being on these medications. I used to feel so much before, I used to paint, draw, have so much motivation, passion, used to love animals (I still do but I don't feel much around them anymore). Life was amazing before taking these drugs, even with an illness, there were really good moments, now it's never good ever.. It's just bad and numb and like I'm not even fully here anymore

You are not alone in these feelings.   You are feeling poorly now because you are recovering from starting / stopping several of drugs over the past three years.  But this is temporary.

 

On 12/1/2024 at 10:34 AM, sisitecandy said:

I am scared, reading how some people don't go back to their self fully makes me suicidal, that their creativity and passion was gone and is nowhere near what it used to be even after years off meds is making me want to end it all. I feel like my brain has been destroyed forever and I will never be able to enjoy life again, I feel like I will be one of those people who never recover. I used to be an artist, I was learning by myself how to paint watching youtube videos, I aspired to be a self-taught digital artist but now it's been 3 years that I have no motivation and no passion to do what I used to love, is it gone forever.. Will I ever go back to myself again? I feel like 3 years is too much to be taking these meds, and I'm injured to the point of no return even thought my dosage wasn't too high and is considered the lowest dose, the fact that I let these drugs destroy my life and the regret from taking them is just eating me alive. 

Every person's experience is unique.  Keep in mind that some people write out some of these stories when they are at their lowest and/or not fully recovered after decades on multiple drugs.  Fear and negative thinking are huge hurdles to your recovery.  I urge you to take responsibility for these thoughts and turn them around!  You sound like an amazingly gifted, creative person - you WILL recover this side of you.  You have NOT been injured to the point of no return.  Neuroscience is demonstrating the amazing ability of our brain / central nervous system to heal itself.  That's how we are designed.  I too struggle with regret for wasted years and anger / shame over having trusted the doctors.  But none of us can change the past.    You will work through this, be stronger as a result, and in turn be able to help other people.  

 

So again, please provide more information about 2024.  If you have been tapering off amisulpride too quickly, it might be appropriate to consider a slight updose to help alleviate withdrawal symptoms.  Regardless, please do not make any other dose changes right now, you need to stabilize before you continue your taper.  

 

Here at SA, we recommend the hyperbolic taper method, which you can read about here:  Why taper by 10% of my dosage?  

 

You can read about withdrawal here:

What is withdrawal syndrome.

Brain Remodelling 

Video:  Healing From Antidepressants - Patterns of Recovery

 

Be aware that recovery is not linear.  As you taper, and even in protracted withdrawal, it is very normal to have periods where you feel better, and periods where you feel terrible.  This is what we call the windows and waves pattern of stabilization.  This is actually a good sign of healing!  Read more about windows and waves here:   The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

We have many threads on how to cope with symptoms – I encourage you to check out the various forums / links on the SA.org home page.

 

There are a few things you can do to help your nervous system heal.   Eat a balanced, whole foods diet, stay well hydrated, engage in gentle exercise, and get adequate rest/sleep.  Avoid all neurologically active substances, like caffeine, alcohol, nicotine and recreational drugs- these are like pouring gasoline on a fire for your symptoms.  Avoid adding any further psychiatric medications to deal with your withdrawal from psych meds- the effects of these meds on a destabilized nervous system is unpredictable, and taking something else could make you worse.

 

We recommend only two supplements here - magnesium (glycinate is a good form) and omega 3 (fish oil). Many people find these to be calming to the nervous system.

Magnesium, nature's calcium channel blocker 

Omega-3 fatty acids (fish oil) 

If you decide to try a supplement, even those we recommend here, add in one at a time and at a low dose in case you do experience problems.  If you tolerate it well, you can increase the dosage slowly over time.  

 

This is your introduction topic.  Each member gets one intro topic- please post updates and questions here, in this thread.   

 

Best wishes.

[sisitecandy]

On 12/3/2024 at 4:46 AM, Jane318 said:

that some people write out some of these stories when they are at their lowest and/or not fully recovered after decades on multiple drugs.  Fear and negative thinking are huge hurdles to your recovery.  I urge you to take responsibility for these thoughts and turn them around!  You sound like an amazingly gifted, creative person - you WILL recover this side of you.  You have NOT been injured to the point of no return.  Neuroscience is demonstrating the amazing ability of our brain / central nervous system to heal itself.  That's how we are designed.  I too struggle with regret for wasted years and anger / shame over having trusted the doctors.  But none of us can change the past.    You will work through this, be stronger as a result, and in turn be able to help other people.  

 

Thank you so much for saying this, it gives me so much hope, you have no idea how much this helped me. I always had a feeling that medication was bad news for me, I knew they  wouldn't be able to help my case. I'm so sorry you also had to experience the pain of being on these medications, we will recover !

 

On 12/3/2024 at 4:46 AM, Jane318 said:

 

Thank you for completing your signature.  So the moderators can best help you, please provide more information about your amisulpride prescription.  When in 2024 did you start it?  You went from 50 mg 25 mg in one jump in August correct?  Please provide more information about your taper since then, if any - dates and dosages for each cut.  Also, please confirm my understanding that this is the only drug you are taking at present, correct?  If you are taking any other prescription medications or supplements, please list them also.  

 

I started taking 50mg of amisulrpride january 2024. I went from 50mg to 25mg in one jump because of my doctor, my period stopped and I told her about it, she said to start taking half a dose. My period did come back since then. I did feel quite horrible after for a few weeks probably, but then I think I got stable because I stayed on this dose for like 2 months. This is the only psychiatric medication I am currently taking. I started taking a multivitamin a few weeks ago that lasted two weeks, also omega 3 fish oil daily, I will start taking magnesium instead of the multivitamin now.

I started to taper off by 5% every 10 days or so since november 10th because I read about the Peter Breggin tapering method in this french book that a woman who successfully tapered off psych drugs wrote. Next tapers were november 19th, then 3rd of december. 

I think it's too much because I'm having some severe withdrawal symptoms like extreme anxiety, insomnia, suicidality, violence against myself and crying spells. Amisulpride also has a short half-life and I don't know if this is what makes tapering worse. I've just now read about Peter Breggin's tapeing method for short-half life drugs, where it's recommended to reduce by 3% every 5-7 days, and I think I might try that and see how I feel. 

 

The only problem is that when I do the calculations, I'm seeing that it will take many years to get rid of these drugs and it scares me how long I will stay on them just to be able to stop them. I have OCD and trichotillomania on these drugs and I'm so tired of living like this, it's torture. I truly cannot stand any more years on these medications. I also have hypocondria and I'm quite scared of getting tardive dyskenisia if I stay on them for too long.  

 

 

 

 

[Jane318]

@sisitecandy

3 hours ago, sisitecandy said:

I started to taper off by 5% every 10 days or so since november 10th because I read about the Peter Breggin tapering method in this french book that a woman who successfully tapered off psych drugs wrote. Next tapers were november 19th, then 3rd of december.

Please add this taper information to your signature.  It is so important for us to be able quickly see the specifics of your history as we go.  Include dates and doses.

 

Did you read about SA's approach:   Why taper by 10% of my dosage? 

 

3 hours ago, sisitecandy said:

I think it's too much because I'm having some severe withdrawal symptoms like extreme anxiety, insomnia, suicidality, violence against myself and crying spells.

Yes, when symptoms worsen, that's our signal that we need to stop and hold again until stable.

 

3 hours ago, sisitecandy said:

Amisulpride also has a short half-life and I don't know if this is what makes tapering worse. I've just now read about Peter Breggin's tapering method for short-half life drugs, where it's recommended to reduce by 3% every 5-7 days, and I think I might try that and see how I feel. 

Please keep us posted on how this goes.  You might also consider: The Brassmonkey Slide Method of Micro-tapering.  (You can download calculator as Excel Spreadsheet here: https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/forums/topic/27883-the-brassmonkey-slide-method-of-micro-tapering/#findComment-412439)

 

Regardless, when symptoms worsen, we usually recommend stopping and hold at current dosage until stable.  However, it sounds as though you might be dealing with both withdrawal from and adverse reactions to this drug so you will need to balance your desire the need to get off of it as quickly as you can and the need to go slowly enough so as to keep symptoms.  Please try not to think about timelines.  Focus on getting better.  You will.  These drugs are horrible, they should be illegal in my opinion.  But you will recover, you will heal.

Here are some threads on coping with symptoms that may be helpful:

Non-drug techniques to cope with emotional symptoms

Easing your way into meditation for a stressed-out nervous system

Music for self-care: calms hyperalertness, anxiety, aids relaxation and sleep

Ways to cope with daily anxiety

"Change the channel" - dealing with cognitive symptoms

Dealing With Emotional Spirals

Symptoms and self-care

Getting Started With Mindfulness

Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) for anxiety, depression, withdrawal symptoms, insomnia

 

[Jane318]

How are you doing @sisitecandy?  Thank you for updating your drug signature.  Wishing you the best for the holidays.

[sisitecandy]

On 12/24/2024 at 7:43 AM, Jane318 said:

How are you doing @sisitecandy?  Thank you for updating your drug signature.  Wishing you the best for the holidays.

Hi Jane, thank you for checking on me, wishing you a merry christmas and happy holidays !

 

On 12/10/2024 at 6:40 AM, Jane318 said:

Regardless, when symptoms worsen, we usually recommend stopping and hold at current dosage until stable.  However, it sounds as though you might be dealing with both withdrawal from and adverse reactions to this drug so you will need to balance your desire the need to get off of it as quickly as you can and the need to go slowly enough so as to keep symptoms.

I decided to do a 25% taper from my last dose just this once because I couldn't stand the side effects. I did get stable before tapering,  I am getting withdrawal symptoms again now and I'm going to hold on this dose for as long as possible until I feel stable enough to taper again. Thank you for all the advice !

I've also watched a video of a french psychiatrist talking about the withdrawal syndrome you get from tapering too quickly and he talks about how people can develop body dysmorphia and delusions, and this is exactly what happened to me when I had my accident. I'm pretty sure if I wasn't taking these medications, I wouldn't react so severely to a broken nose !

[Jane318]

Thank you for the update.  I certainly understand your desire to get off this drug as quickly as you can, and I wish you the very best with your taper.  I am glad you are prepared to hold as needed as you go.

 

How interesting that you happened to find a video that explained the paroxetine withdrawal symptoms you experienced!  I am increasingly dismayed at how these powerful drugs - and their discontinuation - affects every aspect of our bodies and spirits.

 

Please keep us posted on your taper  - your experience helps us continue to build a body of knowledge to the benefit of the entire community.  Best wishes and Happy New Year!

[sisitecandy]

Hello! Happy new year to you Jane, I hope you had a great time with your family !

I have held on 16mg for 3 weeks now and started to taper again. This time I'm trying the brassmonkey's tapering method, thank you for showing it to me. I'm reducing 2.5% of my last dose, I'll see if it works better for me !

I also have a question that has been bothering me for a few days. I was wondering, since I quit olanzapine cold turkey the first time, and had a fast taper of the SSRIS the next year, could  I still have withdrawal symptoms from them ? Or does taking another drug cancel the withdrawals in a way ? 

I'm quite anxious taking another drug does not cancel the withdrawals from the others and I will have to experience withdrawals from all the drugs I took..

 

[Jane318]

1 hour ago, sisitecandy said:

I was wondering, since I quit olanzapine cold turkey the first time, and had a fast taper of the SSRIS the next year, could  I still have withdrawal symptoms from them ? Or does taking another drug cancel the withdrawals in a way ? 

The different drugs affect different receptors in the brain.  So yes, it is possible for their to be overlapping symptoms.  Fortunately, it has been more than 2 years since you CT's olanzapine and more than a year since you quit escitalopram, and since it appears you had stabilized, the risk of overlapping symptoms is probably less.  (No one can say with certainty)

 

What I can say is that the evidence strongly suggests that a person with a prior history of CT's and too-fast tapers will have a harder time the next time they try to get off a drug.  Which means it is especially important for you to go slowly enough to keep your symptoms in check.