Jim3331: Rage & irritability 4 years after Lexapro

[Jim3331]

Hi. 

 

I worked at night, had sedentary lifestyle, bad diet, and coffee addiction 1-4 cups a day. 

 

I tried Wellbutrin and then Mirtazapine for a few weeks each and stopped. 

 

Later, I took only Lexapro 10 mg for two months, then 20 mg for 8 months. 

 

I would take the pill at different time of day and forget to take it some days. 

 

I may have stopped and started taking it too once or twice over the 8 months. 

 

At the end, I decided to self taper off. 

 

I did this haphazardly. 

 

I had about 30 pills, and I would randomly cut a piece off from the pill before taking it. 

 

I even skipped a few days, then took half a pill 'as a booster before work.' 

 

I don't remember exactly the timeline, but within the first two months after stopping Lexapro like that, maybe the first two weeks even - I started having uncontrollable rage at people - verbally and emotionally abusing them, listing grievances, and becoming very irritated. Doing things like sending 20 emails in a row to my boss and calling her 'stupid' over email seemed like a somewhat logical thing. I even punctured a coworker's tires, and then in vengeance for being fired got the coworkers and boss fired too and reported the company to the IRS and got them in trouble. I ruined my career within the 2-4 months after stopping Lexapro! I got fired, evicted, sued, and ruined relationships with family and friends. I was also under stress due to COVID at the time and due to family and lifestyle factors as well. 

 

Here is the kicker - this rage has subsided, but now it seems it is triggered by coffee which I still cannot quit yet. However, now I seem to have cognitive decline? Like it is hard to think, and my social-emotional brain seems to be damaged too. I don't empathize with movies and don't get into music as well. I continue to pick fights and rage at family and friends even 4 years later after quitting - and I have them blocked on my phone too because I cannot take phone calls or text message most of the time. 

 

What would be a good plan for me to go from here? I do have my other job by the Grace of god, they did not fire me, but just transferred me to a different department. 

 

I have been living as an angry evil 'sadistic' recluse for the last four years. 

 

I also have one hour commute and living in isolation is also killing me, but this seems to be the financially safest option for the near future. 

 

When I was on the 10 mg Lexapro - I felt nothing. On 20 mg, I lost my sex drive by like 60%. I also became hypo manic - talking fast, having no filter with my thoughts, I am autistic and Lexapro made me wear my autism on my sleeve and I would get into other people's business, started helping my dad with his business and his wife with hers - and did haphazard silly things with both, then dropped doing it. I ended up alienating people with haphazard text messages and facebook posts. 

 

People are just bored, afraid, dont trust me and dont want much to do with me anymore. 

 

I was in a cult before this where I was taught to be mean and sadistic as part of the cult, so the Lexapro rage made me engage in that learned behavior which I had largely let go off before that. I am 40 years old, and seriously concerned! I spent decade developing my career, and got my jobs through family and with social charm. Now - I am losing my charm and social energy, and I am concerned my ability to job network and be employed is being impacted by all this. 

 

What helps is eating well and working out - but I am too 'all over the place' to do it consistently. 

 

I asked ChatGPT for advice, and it said I need stable housing, sleep, food, and stress relief and that I over extend myself. 

 

Can anyone please give me explicit specific potential advice? (I dont need emotional support as I am fine with that at this point). 

 

Coffee sends me into rage and brain fog and changes my personality on a dime. 

 

 

Edited December 13, 2024 by Emonda
Name to title

[FireflyFyte]

Hi Jim3331,

 

Welcome to Surviving Antidepressants. Thank you for summarizing your drug history in your signature.

 

On 12/12/2024 at 7:26 PM, Jim3331 said:

Coffee sends me into rage and brain fog and changes my personality on a dime. 

 

If you have this reaction to coffee/caffeine would recommend putting effort into trying to quit. I understand that this isn't something that you can do overnight but would start the process since you know this is a trigger for your rage.

 

On 12/12/2024 at 7:26 PM, Jim3331 said:

I asked ChatGPT for advice, and it said I need stable housing, sleep, food, and stress relief and that I over extend myself. 

 

Can anyone please give me explicit specific potential advice? (I dont need emotional support as I am fine with that at this point). 

 

I would hesitate to rely on advice from ChatGPT.

 

Do you have a therapist at the moment?

 

Thanks,

 

Firefly

[Yesyes123]

On 12/12/2024 at 9:26 PM, Jim3331 said:

I was in a cult before this

What cult were you in and how did you get into it?

[Jim3331]

41 minutes ago, Yesyes123 said:

What cult were you in and how did you get into it?

It was an old guy in Boston who was a licensed therapist and ran 'group therapy', but he used personal cult leader techniques and taught people to abuse each other, idolize him, and abuse others. It was very insidious and devious. He would play sales games, mind games, mislead you to get you into and keep you in his group. I got there because I had a social deficit and was recommended group therapy. He kept pushing me into it and then to stay in it, and played group members off of each other. I also stayed out of habit, since I needed a social group of some sort and was too lazy to look for another one. He had a two year commitment, 8 week advanced notice as a loose requirement, and would call you on your cell phone with 'the danger is people quit when things are just getting good for them in the group' if you skipped, and you were not allowed to skip. He used therapy and relationship building lingo to justify building his own cult pretty much. Kept one woman around in it for 17 years. He was covertly running an Attack Therapy group which is banned but called it something else. He would brag about being 'sadistic and manipulative' and very special and constantly toot his own horn and upsell himself. 

 

In the group you were encouraged to get into other people's business, and give either fake positive or harmfully negative feedback to people who never asked for it - he would catch people off guard putting forth what they said for group discussion and then praising anyone who said something damning and abusive. He insisted you should just use 'I feel statements' and confront people randomly anywhere. Somehow I let that go, but it affected me and I copied this cruel behavior. 

 

Then, after stopping Lexapro, I started harassing people and cannot stop. It has been four years. I keep drinking coffee which changes my mood for the worse but cant seem to stop for now. 

 

I also stopped people pleasing and emotionally accommodating people and now just act cruel, rude and abusive and don't have emotional intuition to act otherwise. I do things to piss people off on purpose. It is like a Lexapro discontinuation induced BPD. 

[Yesyes123]

That’s good you managed to leave that cult. I imagine it wasn’t easy. I’ve never had any experience like that, other than some people I told about Surviving Antidepressants who were convinced it was a cult or something lol. But they’re just clueless.

 

You mention coffee a lot - I also drink coffee daily and have been doing that even through the roughest days of withdrawal and I don’t think it really has much of an adverse effect on me. I don’t do too much of it, about 2-3 expressos max per day.

 

I think the quality of the coffee determines whether you’ll have problems from it or not, always prefer higher quality when it comes to coffee even if it’s more expensive.

 

Cheap coffee can have nasty substances in it and will more than likely harm you and cause spikes in symptoms.

 

I drink mostly nespresso coffee pods from my coffee machine, you can get one for super cheap and it’s very convenient to use.

[Jim3331]

1 hour ago, Yesyes123 said:

That’s good you managed to leave that cult. I imagine it wasn’t easy. I’ve never had any experience like that, other than some people I told about Surviving Antidepressants who were convinced it was a cult or something lol. But they’re just clueless.

 

You mention coffee a lot - I also drink coffee daily and have been doing that even through the roughest days of withdrawal and I don’t think it really has much of an adverse effect on me. I don’t do too much of it, about 2-3 expressos max per day.

 

I think the quality of the coffee determines whether you’ll have problems from it or not, always prefer higher quality when it comes to coffee even if it’s more expensive.

 

Cheap coffee can have nasty substances in it and will more than likely harm you and cause spikes in symptoms.

 

I drink mostly nespresso coffee pods from my coffee machine, you can get one for super cheap and it’s very convenient to use.

 

I think I am so sensitive to coffee, that I suspect my withdrawal symptoms would not be there if I quit coffee. 

 

I also get a different effect from different coffee sources for sure - some give me anxiety and others do not. 

 

The cult thing - apparently if someone charms and misleads you, you can get emotionally attached to the 'tribe'. I wasn't aware of how cults worked, and my friend warned me, but I did not believe him at the time. 

[Yesyes123]

1 hour ago, Jim3331 said:

 

I think I am so sensitive to coffee, that I suspect my withdrawal symptoms would not be there if I quit coffee. 

If you drink coffee everyday and stop it cold turkey, you would likely have withdrawal symptoms from it too. 
 

Any substance we take on a daily basis and suddenly stop can create withdrawal symptoms at some level - even coffee or chocolate. Our bodies get used to and adapt bodily functions to whatever we consume. That’s why it’s so important to be diligent when it comes to what we put inside our bodies, and the same is valid for our minds too.

 

Do you drink alcohol at all? 

 

1 hour ago, Jim3331 said:

The cult thing - apparently if someone charms and misleads you, you can get emotionally attached to the 'tribe'. I wasn't aware of how cults worked, and my friend warned me, but I did not believe him at the time. 

I see how that can happen. We are social beings and are heavily influenced by each other’s way of thinking and actions.

 

I also understand why some people think Surviving Antidepressants is some kind of cult - we share information that you will hardly ever find anywhere else because there aren’t many organised communities where people share their real life stories with antidepressants. People hate to even admit they have been or are on antidepressants.

 

To me, the real cult is what goes on inside psychiatrist’s offices: people are brainwashed to believe they need the drugs, and then brainwashed that they are “relapsing” or have diseased brains when they have any kind of problem that was actually caused by the drugs they have been given.

I think in time more and more people will understand the core ideas of Surviving Antidepressants as we are currently reaching the mainstream media more and more and well, people are coming to their own conclusions after their own personal experiences. But it’s still a very long road ahead.

[Jim3331]

15 minutes ago, Yesyes123 said:

If you drink coffee everyday and stop it cold turkey, you would likely have withdrawal symptoms from it too. 
 

Any substance we take on a daily basis and suddenly stop can create withdrawal symptoms at some level - even coffee or chocolate. Our bodies get used to and adapt bodily functions to whatever we consume. That’s why it’s so important to be diligent when it comes to what we put inside our bodies, and the same is valid for our minds too.

 

Do you drink alcohol at all? 

 

I see how that can happen. We are social beings and are heavily influenced by each other’s way of thinking and actions.

 

I also understand why some people think Surviving Antidepressants is some kind of cult - we share information that you will hardly ever find anywhere else because there aren’t many organised communities where people share their real life stories with antidepressants. People hate to even admit they have been or are on antidepressants.

 

To me, the real cult is what goes on inside psychiatrist’s offices: people are brainwashed to believe they need the drugs, and then brainwashed that they are “relapsing” or have diseased brains when they have any kind of problem that was actually caused by the drugs they have been given.

I think in time more and more people will understand the core ideas of Surviving Antidepressants as we are currently reaching the mainstream media more and more and well, people are coming to their own conclusions after their own personal experiences. But it’s still a very long road ahead.

 

Yes, absolutely. Doctors and research have their own cult, they are too insecure to admit their ways have low reliability and validity, because it would make them less useful, quite guilty and liable. If you don't study the bad effects floating around the forums, you can just pretend they don't exist and then you are not liable.