Alexander, 20 years of SSRI's, severe symptoms don't know who to listen to or what to do.

[Alexander241]

Hello all. I’ve been reading all the stories here and its basically the only thing giving me hope at this point. My story is so long and complicated and I honestly have no idea what to do. I really am lost and feel like giving up and going back on medications. If you have a moment and care to help guide someone struggling severely it would mean the world to me if you gave me some advice. I know this is so long but I felt obliged to include as much information as possible because I really don’t know if the symptoms I began experiencing on SSRI’s are DUE to long term SSRI use or just genetic/environmental. I live minute to minute and am so afraid I will be permanently stuck in this dysphoric, depressed, anhedonic state. Thank you so much for reading this, it means so much to me.

 

                I began taking Lexapro at 14 years old due to speech blocks talking in front of the class, social anxiety, and OCD as a child. I can get into this phase of my life more but essentially I had anxiety and OCD. Lexapro helped quiet the chaotic anxious noise in my brain when around strangers or when having to talk infront of people. It also helped with my speech blocks where words would get caught in my chest. The only issues I had was slight emotional blunting and delayed orgasm. Fast forward to 27 lexapro (20 mg) conks out. I am about to go into Physical Therapy school so my doctor puts me on fluvoxamine. I titrate up to 200-300 mg and it provides the same relief Lexapro did for my anxiety/OCD. So far so good.

 

Of course, being a young man throughout your 20s you make some bad decisions. Some of mine involved anabolic steroid cycles (3) and some SARM use for working out. So at 28 I was also put on Testosterone replacement therapy. In retrospect I don’t believe I needed to go on but I was dumb and thought I was invincible. At the time  I was also put on Trazadon 50 mg because I was working out late at night… taking preworkout and obviously not able to fall asleep at a reasonable hour. Another dumb move I know. Unfortunately these next 2-3 years will be the last I feel like normal happy Alex again.

 

In 2019, for seemingly no reason, I began feeling feelings of anhedonia, apathy and general like strange gloominess that I could not explain. I was always a very high energy happy person so it scared me. I was always the “class clown” and was the guy that would take the joke one step further just for a laugh. I was in Physical Therapy school and happy with my trajectory in life. I was in extremely good shape (had some body dysmorphia and obsessiveness with fitness) but I was generally successful with woman and had great friends. I had absolutely no idea why these feelings came. It felt like a switch went off or something. At first these symptoms weren’t 24/7 and I could still experience positive emotions etc but it began to intensify. I was diagnosed with ADHD as a child so my psychiatrist wanted to try a stimulant. This was when I found Ritalin and Adderall completely alleviated ALL my anhedonia/depressive symptoms for 2-3 hours. But it felt completely artificial like I was essentially just flooding my brain with dopamine that’s why I was able to feel something acutely. I tried lowering my fluvoxamine dose and nothing happened and essentially I stayed on fluvox hoping it would go away until 2021.

In 2021 I was changed to Prozac which felt very stimulating and uncomfortable for me. I remember going into physical therapy rotations and feeling completely bizarre and uncomfortable. The doctor added on risperidone but I did not take it more than 4 days due to very strange medicated feeling and insomnia. She also tried adding on Abilify too which once again caused insomnia and just a strange uncomfortable feeling.

This now begins to become hard to write because it is so horrendous. I was then put back on Fluvoxamine for some reason which obviously didn’t work.

 

 Then they switched me to Cymbalta and once again I felt extremely medicated and the anhedonia/mood issue did not lift. Cymbalta felt like a constant dissociated drunk feeling it was terrible. I tried to give it a chance for 2 months but it simply was not working for ANY of my symptoms now.

After Cymbalta I went back to Lexapro and got off testosterone and had a brief window of remission from the anhedonia/depression. I was also taking natural testosterone supplement boosters. I’m not sure how long of a window I had but in that time I was able to get a girlfriend and power through work. Eventually I went back to the anhedonia/mood issues and my doctor added on Rexulti which didn’t help at all. The doctor also tried Auvelty and Wellbutrin but both caused severe anxiety and I could not continue taking them. At this time I foolishly went back on testosterone replacement therapy and I believe that sent me even deeper into depression/anhedonia.

Summer 2023 I began tapering Lexapro 20 mg to 15 mg and added on Pristique 25 mg. I then had a 6-8 week long window of complete remission of ALL symptoms. Throughout my medication course whenever I TAPER Lexapro or Fluvoxamine  I begin being able to feel emotions and happiness. This tapering phenomenon has happened with Lexapro and fluvoxamine several times. As I tapered from Lexapro to Pristique I felt excellent but when I finally was done tapering and went higher with pristique all my symptoms returned. From pristique I then tried Zoloft, Celexa and mirtazapine and none alleviated my now severe anhedonia,dread,depression. At this time I also tried ketamine therapy but it did not help. Throughout this time to be able to work and function I was taking adderal, Ativan, Nicotine and caffeine. These 4 compounds temporarily allow me to feel emotion, happiness, motivation and drive. I would only take them 2-3x a week. I began tapering Celexa and eventually got off all medications 6 months ago. At this point I began having terrible withdrawal symptoms and had to stop working. My anxieties/ocd got somewhat manageable but my depression/anhedonia was unmanageable. I tried going back to work and was able for several months but left due to mental health again. Unfortunately this is not where the story ends.

 

So six months after being off medication I wanted to try to come off of testosterone replacement therapy. So my clinic had me take HCG 1000 IU every other day for 2 weeks. I experienced a 2 day window where I could feel emotions and positive feeling while ON the HCG. On week 2 I began taking eclomiphene 12.5 mg. On day 5 of eclomiphene my reality crashed before my eyes. I began feeling reality looking distorted, severe panic, sense of terror/doom, hyperawareness of all my thoughts, hypervigilance, inability to get comfortable, complete insomnia, depersonalization/derealization, and severe depressive mood and feeling as if I was going to die. I cant even explain the terror and panic I was in. Something felt SO wrong. I was begging my dad to bring me to the ER every day the suffering was unimaginable.

 

I immediately went back to the clinic and they reinstated my testosterone dosage and I stopped taking eclomiphene. In order to NOT go to the ER I began taking Ativan every 2 days which would literally improve ALL my symptoms by 50-75%. Throughout my life I have always slept 8-10 hours a night. Now I was completely unable to sleep more than 1-3 hours without waking up shaking, tight chest, shooting adrenaline throughout my limbs. Since that time my DP/DR thankfully went away but I continue to be in a CONSTANT dysphoric feeling, hyperawareness of my thoughts, feelings of hopelessness, like I am fighting something mentally/internally all day, severe insomnia (1-3 hours a night), hypervigilance, this feeling of constant alertness and awareness, unable to control my thoughts at times, severe social anxiety and panic. I cannot get comfortable and relax I am always thinking about this internal strange feeling. I have crying spells 2-3x a day due to the constant suffering and my brain literally believes that my situation is 100% hopeless and that I will never improve. I feel EXTREME brain fog and cognitively impaired.  I’ll get confused and disoriented sometimes. The only thing that helps tremendously is Ativan which I take 1 mg every 4-5 days because I refuse to become addicted to benzo’s. For the first 2 weeks I essentially tried to meditate and do deep breathing/vagal nerve techniques for the entire day. I am doing re-origin brain neuroplasticity training when my symptoms allow me toread and watch things. Most of the time I have to distract myself fully or I begin going in horrible thought loops, panic and feelings of doom.

 

 

So here I am 6 months off all medications. Completely non-functional. At 33 I had to move back in with my parents. I am completely lost and confused on what to do. I have contacted several psychiatrists, psychologists and other specialists and they are all telling me to go to an in-patient program and resume medications immediately. I am absolutely petrified that this is my new baseline and I will never get better. My suffering on a day to day basis is circa 8 or 9 out of 10. I really don’t know how long I can continue feeling this way. I don’t know if my anhedonia/depression was CAUSED by fluvoxamine and long term SSRI’s or genetically I was just predisposed to acquiring this disease. I don’t know if this daily suffering is going to cause more severe side effects and potentially harm my brain. The constant brain fog and cognitive issues is frightening and I feel like they will worsen. I’m also concerned about developing suicidal ideation if this continues. I have no idea what eclomiphene did to me and why it caused such a severe reaction. I am deathly afraid of starting a new medication and it potentially making me worse but the longer this goes on the more I am inclined to try a new med to maybe help me sleep or reduce some of my uncontrollable thoughts or depressive symptoms. I am just so lost guys and defeated. I never knew suffering to this extent was possible. Any advice or recommendations would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read this if you did and I continue to hold on every day to some shred of hope. 

 

 

Extra info: On a good note I am still able to cry and feel negative emotion. When I take green tea or caffeine it brings me out of the 24/7 depressed state momentarily, Ativan also instantly takes me out as well. I had one day where I tried taking glycine and magnesium and 2 hours later for 8 hours I was basically cured of all symptoms I began crying listening to music but it only lasted 8 hours and I woke up right back in with my symptoms. I still continue to only be able to sleep 1-3 hours before waking up and my mind being so activated and aware of all my thoughts, surroundings, bodily functions, that I am absolutely unable to sleep. 

[Erimus]

Hello, and welcome to Surviving Antidepressants. We are a peer support forum to assist in tapering off psychiatric drugs safely, or recovering from psychiatric drug withdrawal.

 

Given the number of different drugs you have used over the years, I don't think a reinstatement of any of them would be particularly helpful at this point. Your brain is exhausted from 20 years of psychiatric medications and rapid tapering. It will heal with time and patience, if you are able to give it that, but it will be slow and painful, as you've already experienced.

 

Are you still taking the testosterone? Are your levels low, or is it just to prevent worsening your protracted withdrawal at this point?

 

I suggest you read our tips on improving sleep. Tips to help sleep: so many of us have that awful withdrawal insomnia

 

Some people find melatonin helpful for getting to sleep, but it won't prevent you waking every few hours, that's due to a hyper sensitive nervous system.

 

On 12/18/2024 at 6:41 PM, Alexander241 said:

I am completely lost and confused on what to do. I have contacted several psychiatrists, psychologists and other specialists and they are all telling me to go to an in-patient program and resume medications immediately.

This might help temporarily by masking over the symptoms, but the damage will still be there beneath, and eventually at some point in the future you're going to have to deal with it.

 

On 12/18/2024 at 6:41 PM, Alexander241 said:

I am absolutely petrified that this is my new baseline and I will never get better.

Unlikely. Everyone feels this way during recovery.

 

On 12/18/2024 at 6:41 PM, Alexander241 said:

I don’t know if my anhedonia/depression was CAUSED by fluvoxamine and long term SSRI’s or genetically I was just predisposed to acquiring this disease.

It was likely caused by too many different psychotropics over the years, each time it further sensitises your brain. All these drugs are neurotoxic, some people can tolerate higher doses of them and for longer periods before their brain begs for relief.

 

Some people find high doses of vitamin C beneficial in managing the early morning cortisol symptoms.

 

We suggest introducing magnesium and fish oil supplements when you feel able to tolerate them. Best to add them seperately and start of at low doses.

 

Are you able to exercise? Walking is good for the brain and nervous system. Anything intensive is often too stressful for a sensitised nervous system and will cause an uptick in symptoms.

 

Regards

Erimus

[Catina7]

So glad you found this wonderful site and community @Alexander241!  You have definitely been through a lot over the years.  It's crazy what these drugs can do!  You're in good hands with your awesome moderator!

 

I wanted to share this link with you in case you haven't seen it yet.  I've personally found it so helpful and like to read through it every now and then.  It's specifically written for those with an adverse drug reaction or a cold-turkey withdrawal, but I think the points are helpful for everyone.  I hope it helps!  Hang in there, things will definitely get better in time.  ♥️

 

 

[Alexander241]

Thank you for the messages of support. As of right now I reinstated testosterone replacement therapy because the eclomiphene caused a horrendous crash for me 4 weeks ago. On day 5 of it I went back to the clinic and they gave me my prescription back. I was taking TRT for about 5 years with one break inbetween last year. I am so upset with myself for trying to come off TRT. It has caused everything to get SO much worse and I cannot sleep more than 1-3 hours. I take 3-4 walks a day and have been eating a low carb keto’ish diet. I also don’t drink alcohol or caffeine. Thank you for the references. I am praying every day things will get better. Trying so hard to hold on and keep going. 

[j1290]

Hi there, @Alexander241!   You're in good company around here 😎

 

I'm not a doctor or a mod so I can't give advice, however I can relate to the symptoms you described so perfectly!  Crying spells, brain fog, hopelessness, all have been a regular part of my story.  I can tell you at least in one guys case, all those things improved. 

 

I saw you were doing some adjusting the TRT.  I've been tapering off finasteride which affects testosterone in one way or another.  Woof, I had no clue what a ride it was going to be getting off of that stuff, I very nearly reinstated it myself.   

 

On 12/18/2024 at 10:41 AM, Alexander241 said:

and they are all telling me to go to an in-patient program

FWIW after I jumped to zero off antidepressants(long story) I got really spicy anxiety and went to something called an anxiety center in the afternoons for a while.  It was outpatient and taught me a lot of anxiety management techniques, and even more importantly gave me a place to go with other people that were experiencing the same symptoms.  It was a huge help to have that support when I really needed it, and they took my insurance.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Catina7]

9 hours ago, Alexander241 said:

I am so upset with myself for trying to come off TRT

 

Try not to beat yourself up too much about it.  Ask any of us, and we've all made horrible mistakes on this journey that we end up regretting.  I'm sure you'll get back on track soon and things will improve.  

 

9 hours ago, Alexander241 said:

Trying so hard to hold on and keep going. 

 

I understand how hard it can be, believe me, but you're doing great.  Try to implement as many coping skills as you can to deal with your symptoms.  Put your energy into having a healing mindset and just take each day as it comes.  We're all here for you whenever you need to reach out or just vent.  You're going to be okay, hang in there!    

[Alexander241]

Thank you for the encouragement. A thought loop I’ve been getting into is “what if these depressed/anhedonic symptoms I experienced 4 years ago on fluvoxamine were NOT caused by the drug and it was just a product of my genetics / situation or mixture of factors”? The fact that it continued throughout 4 years (with temporary windows when cross tapering meds) makes me think my anxious/ocd brain was just destined to get this strange apathetic anhedonia. It’s a crumby thought because inevitably then I think those symptoms won’t improve. 

[Catina7]

26 minutes ago, Alexander241 said:

what if these depressed/anhedonic symptoms I experienced 4 years ago on fluvoxamine were NOT caused by the drug

 

You had drug switches and tapers during this time, so I think it's safe to say your depressed/anhedonic state is most likely related to that.    You have such a long complicated history with psych drugs, which can cause all sorts of issues with mood.  These drugs don't "fix" a chemical "imbalance," they create imbalances.  I'm sure your moderator will provide their input as well when they have a chance.

Edited December 20, 2024 by Catina7

[Alexander241]

9 hours ago, j1290 said:

Hi there, @Alexander241!   You're in good company around here 😎

 

I'm not a doctor or a mod so I can't give advice, however I can relate to the symptoms you described so perfectly!  Crying spells, brain fog, hopelessness, all have been a regular part of my story.  I can tell you at least in one guys case, all those things improved. 

 

I saw you were doing some adjusting the TRT.  I've been tapering off finasteride which affects testosterone in one way or another.  Woof, I had no clue what a ride it was going to be getting off of that stuff, I very nearly reinstated it myself.   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hey man thanks so much for the reply. I heard finasteride can cause a host of issues by itself! Happy you were able to get off it. It seems like my options with testosterone is the only way through this is to keep it in the equation. Trying to come off of it clearly destabilized me completely. For me a big obstacle is the re-emergence of my childhood symptoms (10000x) that was numbed by medication. The constant repetitive uncontrollable negative thoughts keeps me down and feed my dysphoria/dread/painful state. It gets to the point where I am holding my head screaming stop and the sobbing ensues. I am incorporating many behavioral and physiological modalities to try to break free. Clearly these medications from 14-32 were stopping the floodgates of intense emotion and putting a bandaid on my initial symptoms of anxiety and OCD. Theres no other option but to go straight through this thing. 

[mstimc]

Hi @Alexander241  I had the same issues you did--anxiety and OCD.  I was on Paxil for several years and it took me about three years for withdrawal and recovery.  Give yourself some room and time.   One of the things I suffered with during WD and recovery was asking "what if" about everything.  And my thoughts always went to the worst case scenario.  As others have said, your brain is confused right now as it detoxes from the meds.  If you haven't done so already, I encourage you to look into CBT/ERP therapy to give you coping tools.

 

In a way, you are correct; some people, like us, are more prone to anxious and repetitive thinking.  Its just the way we're made. But its no different than any other chronic condition.  There are drug-free ways to manage our negative thinking.  Your anxious mind needs to control you in order to maintain its power, so it will create catastrophic thoughts to keep you locked in place.  Accept that the thoughts might come, but they only have the power you give them.  You can recover!

[Alexander241]

1 hour ago, Catina7 said:

 

You had drug switches and tapers during this time, so I think it's safe to say your depressed/anhedonic state is most likely related to that.    You have such a long complicated history with psych drugs, which can cause all sorts of issues with mood.  These drugs don't "fix" a chemical "imbalance," they create imbalances.  I'm sure your moderator will provide their input as well when they have a chance.

I guess 14-27 with Lexapro had its own numbing effects on me and repressed many things. I wasn't able to cry at all really throughout this time. I remember my grandma passing and she was the most incredible loving kind woman and so close to me and I didn't even cry. When I switched to fluvoxamine in 2017 initially for 2-3 years I was managing. I wonder why in 2019/2020 this strange anhedonia/gloom came about. It feels massively different than the acute episode of depression I had at 19 due to an ex girlfriend cheating on me. I to this day remember looking at my fluvoxamine pill bottle and saying "what are you doing to my brain" when I FIRST began feeling this strange apathy/gloom. Thank you for your words of encouragement. It means so much to me.

[Alexander241]

3 minutes ago, mstimc said:

Hi @Alexander241  I had the same issues you did--anxiety and OCD.  I was on Paxil for several years and it took me about three years for withdrawal and recovery.  Give yourself some room and time.   One of the things I suffered with during WD and recovery was asking "what if" about everything.  And my thoughts always went to the worst case scenario.  As others have said, your brain is confused right now as it detoxes from the meds.  If you haven't done so already, I encourage you to look into CBT/ERP therapy to give you coping tools.

 

In a way, you are correct; some people, like us, are more prone to anxious and repetitive thinking.  Its just the way we're made. But its no different than any other chronic condition.  There are drug-free ways to manage our negative thinking.  Your anxious mind needs to control you in order to maintain its power, so it will create catastrophic thoughts to keep you locked in place.  Accept that the thoughts might come, but they only have the power you give them.  You can recover!

Did you deal with the severe depression/anhedonia as well? My brain enters this catastrophic dysphoria where all I feel is this altered reality of severe despair and actual constant mental pain. My thoughts begin to become uncontrollable and they inevitably lead to "you will die soon due to this" or simply "you're going to die and never improve". Then I begin mourning my death.... I literally begin to mourn my past self and I begin thinking of past times where I was happy and healthy. This unfortunately happens 3-4x a day. The rest of the time is this dense anhedonic numb apathetic state. It's clear my thoughts are my worst enemy. I see a psychoanalysis 2x a week and have a CBT booklet. I am trying some new stuff out this week in terms of behavioral therapies and some physical ones too so I am hoping this can reduce my symptoms or make me manage them slightly better.

[Catina7]

18 minutes ago, Alexander241 said:

Thank you for your words of encouragement. It means so much to me.

 

You're very welcome!  We're all here to support you.  ♥️

[mstimc]

17 minutes ago, Alexander241 said:

Did you deal with the severe depression/anhedonia as well? My brain enters this catastrophic dysphoria where all I feel is this altered reality of severe despair and actual constant mental pain.

The list of my symptoms could fill a dictionary of anxiety and OCD!  But they did include health anxiety and catastrophic thinking. As I explained to another member recently, there's a branch of psychology/philosophy that says the Universe sends us whatever we're interested in, even if what we're interested in isn't what we want.  Its a version of confirmation bias.  Breaking that cycle of negative thinking is difficult but it can be done, and it gets easier the more you practice it.  One method is replacing negative thoughts with positive ones.  Instead of "you will die of this", ask "What if today is the day I feel just a little better"? Just small adjustments in your thoughts can reap huge benefits. 

 

Its great you're practicing CBT--that's the key.  You have to do the homework and remind yourself to practice every day, especially on the days you don't think you can go on any longer.  

[Alexander241]

On 12/19/2024 at 4:27 PM, Erimus said:

 

Given the number of different drugs you have used over the years, I don't think a reinstatement of any of them would be particularly helpful at this point. Your brain is exhausted from 20 years of psychiatric medications and rapid tapering. It will heal with time and patience, if you are able to give it that, but it will be slow and painful, as you've already experienced

 

Are you still taking the testosterone? Are your levels low, or is it just to prevent worsening your protracted withdrawal at this point?

 

 

This might help temporarily by masking over the symptoms, but the damage will still be there beneath, and eventually at some point in the future you're going to have to deal with it.

 

 

 

It was likely caused by too many different psychotropics over the years, each time it further sensitises your brain. All these drugs are neurotoxic, some people can tolerate higher doses of them and for longer periods before their brain begs for relief.

 

Are you able to exercise? Walking is good for the brain 

 

 

Thank you for the reply and information. 
I take several walks during the day. I am back on testosterone replacement therapy because when I tried removing it I crashed to a point I did not know was possible. I am sleeping 1-3 hours a night and I am stuck in complete fight or flight panic… extreme waves of dysphoric hopeless sadness and despair. It is so frightening and I cannot be reasoned with. I have extreme fits of sobbing and agitation. 
 

I am so concerned that since my dysphoria and apathy / anhedonia came 3-4 year ago while on fluvoxamine and it persisted over time through medication switches that it is permanent and now I have tardive dysphoria caused by SSRI’s. 
 

I have been forced every 6-7 days to take a benzodiazepine because my sleep debt becomes compounded and by day 6-7 I am in so much turmoil due to sleep deprivation and my withdrawal / symptoms that to not be admitted into a psych ward I choose to take 1.5mg of an Ativan. it immediately helps with 50% of my symptoms and gives me one decent night of sleep of 6-7 hours. I also don’t understand how I had a complete window 3 weeks ago when taking glycine and magnesium for 8-10 hours. It is like my reward center came back online and I was cured. I am struggling so much guys. I am fearful that I will get worse and be forced back on meds. Any success stories or stories like mine that I could read would help me so much. I may consider starting a sleeping medication as well because if I don’t sleep I believe my healing will not continue or commence. 

[thenextguy]

58 minutes ago, Alexander241 said:

I also don’t understand how I had a complete window 3 weeks ago when taking glycine and magnesium for 8-10 hours.

 

It's probably hard to appreciate this, but this strikes me as good news. Your nervous system is trying to figure things out. You definitely have a challenging story and have put your nervous system through the ringer. But there are cases of people who have recovered after being incapacitated. Here's one I like: 

 

[Alexander241]

41 minutes ago, thenextguy said:

 

It's probably hard to appreciate this, but this strikes me as good news. Your nervous system is trying to figure things out. You definitely have a challenging story and have put your nervous system through the ringer. But there are cases of people who have recovered after being incapacitated. Here's one I like: 

 

Oh wow I believe I saw that story before crazy. Do you think my anhedonia can lift? What strikes me odd is that throughout tapering OFF Lexapro and fluvoxamine I would always get relief. Also the random 8 hour window from magnesium and glycine. 
 

it challenging man because pending on the day, I’ll sometimes be crawling on my hands and knees crying in mental dysphoric, hopeless, despair. Sometimes all I can do is face a wall and just stare at it without moving to reduce the symptoms. I can’t nap or sleep almost at all 1-3 hours. I’ll hold my head and scream asking the thoughts to stop. Is so difficult Watching my parents having to deal with me. I sometimes scream for them to bring me to the ER or give me medications and they won’t I told them my plans to try to get through this. I’m just really concerned the anhedonia/apathy that happened 3 years ago on fluvoxamine is permanent and won’t get better. It think it’s called Tardive Dysphoria I hope I don’t have that. I’m also hoping my nervous system will relax enough so I can sleep eventually. By day 6 I’ve gotten so little sleep that my withdrawal symptoms added to a week of no sleep Is the scariest presentation of my symptoms. I won’t even describe it. I usually take an Ativan on that 6th day so I can survive. 

[Catina7]

8 hours ago, Alexander241 said:

I sometimes scream for them to bring me to the ER or give me medications and they won’t I told them my plans to try to get through this.

 

Sounds like you have some great, supportive parents.  Some are not so fortunate.  However, these are not "medications," they are neurotoxic drugs.  Keep your plan in the forefront of your mind - staying off these drugs.  The only way out of the fire is to pass through it.  The lack of sleep is tough, I've been there myself.  The creator of this website completely lost the ability to sleep at one point, but it slowly returned over time.  I know it's hard to be patient when we're suffering so intensely, but things will improve for you so just hang in there.  I know you're terrified of being permanently disabled, but that is a very common fear going through something like this.  Our brains are amazing though, and you're young and take good care of yourself.  There's no reason to believe you won't recover.

[Sunflower414]

Hi there,

 

I don’t comment much on others stories but felt called to comment on yours. I was medicated at age 7, so also as a child. I am now 31. I have been tapering since 2021. After reading your sorry, I can relate to how you are feeling. In 2020 I CTed my first medication and decided to hold until I found any relief. I found some relief at year one and at year two began tapering my last medication. I know it’s horrible and you feel like you can’t take it one moment longer, but being 6 months in already, I would do my best to wait it out. Remind yourself it will end and you will improve. You’ve already made it so far. If I were in your shoes, I would not reinstate at this point.

 

I also moved back into my mom’s basement in 2020 couldn’t work etc. now I still struggle but I am out of her house and work full time remotely. I went to the hospital once, and it caused a boat load of more issues than if I would’ve just kept waiting and didn’t try to find help and relief from doctors. Sadly they do not know how to help. One thing you will learn thru this process is to sit with the pain and uncomfortable feelings, knowing you don’t need medical help for it because you can handle it. You’ve handled everything that has come your way. 

 

You can do this. Take it one day at a time. You will heal. 

[Alexander241]

1 hour ago, Sunflower414 said:

Hi there,

 

I don’t comment much on others stories but felt called to comment on yours. I was medicated at age 7, so also as a child. I am now 31. I have been tapering since 2021. After reading your sorry, I can relate to how you are feeling. In 2020 I CTed my first medication and decided to hold until I found any relief. I found some relief at year one and at year two began tapering my last medication. I know it’s horrible and you feel like you can’t take it one moment longer, but being 6 months in already, I would do my best to wait it out. Remind yourself it will end and you will improve. You’ve already made it so far. If I were in your shoes, I would not reinstate at this point.

 

I also moved back into my mom’s basement in 2020 couldn’t work etc. now I still struggle but I am out of her house and work full time remotely. I went to the hospital once, and it caused a boat load of more issues than if I would’ve just kept waiting and didn’t try to find help and relief from doctors. Sadly they do not know how to help. One thing you will learn thru this process is to sit with the pain and uncomfortable feelings, knowing you don’t need medical help for it because you can handle it. You’ve handled everything that has come your way. 

 

You can do this. Take it one day at a time. You will heal. 

Thank you for the post. The entire day I just surrender and sit with the experience and try not to judge it. It is the most pain I have ever experienced in my life. A constant dysphoria of unimaginable hopeless mental anguish. There is no running from it, and I now cannot even hide from it in sleep. It is a complete detachment and loss of everything that held meaning for me in the past. Nothing looks real or has meaning around me any longer. I am mourning my death it seems. I pray the gates open again and I can experience true emotion and love and peace and comfort again. Thank you for your post. I wish you look on your journey of tapering and hope you emerge from your painful journey as well. 

[Sunflower414]

1 hour ago, Alexander241 said:

Thank you for the post. The entire day I just surrender and sit with the experience and try not to judge it. It is the most pain I have ever experienced in my life. A constant dysphoria of unimaginable hopeless mental anguish. There is no running from it, and I now cannot even hide from it in sleep. It is a complete detachment and loss of everything that held meaning for me in the past. Nothing looks real or has meaning around me any longer. I am mourning my death it seems. I pray the gates open again and I can experience true emotion and love and peace and comfort again.

 

 

Thank you for your post. I wish you look on your journey of tapering and hope you emerge from your painful journey as well. 

I understand. This is a perfect description of what I felt for a long time. It almost felt like I was fake and nothing around me mattered, and I could only experience negative emotions. This has resolved; and it will core you too. 
 

thank you so much for your well wishes. We will make it to the other side XOXO

[Alexander241]

14 hours ago, Catina7 said:

 

Sounds like you have some great, supportive parents.  Some are not so fortunate.  However, these are not "medications," they are neurotoxic drugs.  Keep your plan in the forefront of your mind - staying off these drugs.  The only way out of the fire is to pass through it.  The lack of sleep is tough, I've been there myself.  The creator of this website completely lost the ability to sleep at one point, but it slowly returned over time.  I know it's hard to be patient when we're suffering so intensely, but things will improve for you so just hang in there.  I know you're terrified of being permanently disabled, but that is a very common fear going through something like this.  Our brains are amazing though, and you're young and take good care of yourself.  There's no reason to believe you won't recover.

Thank you so much for the kind words. Everyone on here is so supportive and helping me so much just re-reading all these posts. You believe the fluvoxamine after 3 years due to its neurotoxic behavior caused some sort of disregulation and that’s what caused the anhedonia / gloom? It’s just so odd the entire situation is. After this ordeal with the eclomiphene and crashing to a new level of hell unfortunately several times during the day there is no hope or reasoning with myself. The symptoms are that dysphoric I begin believing in delusions of eventual death. The confusion and brain fog and constant intrusive thoughts further plague the situation. 
 

I just want to go back to helping people through their injuries and surgeries again. 

 

https://share.icloud.com/photos/04auxHQFJa6ASmw7-jggHWuQg

 

https://share.icloud.com/photos/037lbeIJH0mhG5cmTwbCBRtMg

 

https://share.icloud.com/photos/08e2NzqJJiKB60FVnG0uDzJyA

•  

[Catina7]

8 hours ago, Alexander241 said:

You believe the fluvoxamine after 3 years due to its neurotoxic behavior caused some sort of disregulation and that’s what caused the anhedonia / gloom?

 

I can't speak with 100% certainty of course, but I do know that these drugs are very powerful and can be downright dangerous.  Just one drug alone can cause issues, but then you throw other drugs into the mix and it can really mess things up.  

 

Thanks for sharing your wonderful pictures and videos.  You seem like such a caring and enthusiastic physical therapist.  You'll get back to being that again.  These horrible thoughts you're having are not you, they're a result of the drugs.  The normal you is still in there.  

 

I'm glad you're getting the support of others who have experienced similar symptoms.  You're never alone!  ♥️

[Alexander241]

On 12/24/2024 at 6:58 AM, Catina7 said:

 

I can't speak with 100% certainty of course, but I do know that these drugs are very powerful and can be downright dangerous.  Just one drug alone can cause issues, but then you throw other drugs into the mix and it can really mess things up.  

 

Thanks for sharing your wonderful pictures and videos.  You seem like such a caring and enthusiastic physical therapist.  You'll get back to being that again.  These horrible thoughts you're having are not you, they're a result of the drugs.  The normal you is still in there.  

 

I'm glad you're getting the support of others who have experienced similar symptoms.  You're never alone!  ♥️

I am having such a difficult time. I am not exaggerating or trying to be victimized and seeking acceptance I am genuinely concerned. Every second of the day I am in this Dysphoric, hopeless, mentally fixated, hyperaware feeling of something being EXTREMELY wrong. I cannot escape it   my chest is in knots, and I am just completely fixated on this hopeless perception of reality around me. I can’t explain it guys but it is THE ENTIRE DAY. I had to take an Ativan yesterday the feeling comes so strong that I just lose my mind and start crying uncontrollably. I am completely unable to sleep more than 2 hours as well. I really don’t know how to fight this in longer everyone. All day I am trying to ground myself and meditate and read and walk and listen to audiobooks and practice spirituality. I just can’t anymore. The pain is too great. The uncertainty that it’s ALL withdrawal tears me up too. What did Eclomiphene do to me 6 weeks ago that caused the fabric of my reality and perception of the world around me to break. I am in need of serious help and I don’t know if I can continue living like this. Truuly. 

[mstimc]

18 minutes ago, Alexander241 said:

I am having such a difficult time. I am not exaggerating or trying to be victimized and seeking acceptance I am genuinely concerned. Every second of the day I am in this Dysphoric, hopeless, mentally fixated, hyperaware feeling of something being EXTREMELY wrong. I cannot escape it   my chest is in knots, and I am just completely fixated on this hopeless perception of reality around me. I can’t explain it guys but it is THE ENTIRE DAY. I had to take an Ativan yesterday the feeling comes so strong that I just lose my mind and start crying uncontrollably. I am completely unable to sleep more than 2 hours as well. I really don’t know how to fight this in longer everyone. All day I am trying to ground myself and meditate and read and walk and listen to audiobooks and practice spirituality. I just can’t anymore. The pain is too great. The uncertainty that it’s ALL withdrawal tears me up too. What did Eclomiphene do to me 6 weeks ago that caused the fabric of my reality and perception of the world around me to break. I am in need of serious help and I don’t know if I can continue living like this. Truuly. 

Alexander, anxiety is literally the fear of nothing. I say that because I've been where you are. Try to think of it this way; your anxious mind has created a 10-pound ball of anxious thoughts and fears.  It wants to put that ball somewhere. So it creates scenarios for the thoughts; "there is no escape" "I can't sleep" "there's no hop". It repeats those thoughts over and over so it can keep that 10-pound ball bouncing around in your mind.  The idea that you have to fight it just makes it worse--fighting it keeps adding weight to the ball. 

 

Right now, you're not in a place where you can stop the thoughts, but you can start making the ball a little smaller by practicing acceptance; you've already realized you have fixations, so you have some grounding in reality. Accept that the thoughts will come--and let them come. But remember they are only thoughts and feelings and nothing more.  Yes, they're frightening and can cause horrible physical symptoms, but they're just thoughts. The thoughts will come but you have control over how you deal with them.  Claire Weeks used a technique called floating, picturing a fear or thought as something that floats into your mind, and then floats away.  Try to visualize that. Get rid of the idea there is something you have to fight; that just makes the thoughts more powerful and leads to self-judgement when you fail, and makes them worse. Let go of self-judgement; you aren't weak or failing. Your brain and nervous system are dealing with recovery from a medication you never should have been given. You will recover. 

[Alexander241]

13 minutes ago, mstimc said:

Alexander, anxiety is literally the fear of nothing. I say that because I've been where you are. Try to think of it this way; your anxious mind has created a 10-pound ball of anxious thoughts and fears.  It wants to put that ball somewhere. So it creates scenarios for the thoughts; "there is no escape" "I can't sleep" "there's no hop". It repeats those thoughts over and over so it can keep that 10-pound ball bouncing around in your mind.  The idea that you have to fight it just makes it worse--fighting it keeps adding weight to the ball. 

 

Right now, you're not in a place where you can stop the thoughts, but you can start making the ball a little smaller by practicing acceptance; you've already realized you have fixations, so you have some grounding in reality. Accept that the thoughts will come--and let them come. But remember they are only thoughts and feelings and nothing more.  Yes, they're frightening and can cause horrible physical symptoms, but they're just thoughts. The thoughts will come but you have control over how you deal with them.  Claire Weeks used a technique called floating, picturing a fear or thought as something that floats into your mind, and then floats away.  Try to visualize that. Get rid of the idea there is something you have to fight; that just makes the thoughts more powerful and leads to self-judgement when you fail, and makes them worse. Let go of self-judgement; you aren't weak or failing. Your brain and nervous system are dealing with recovery from a medication you never should have been given. You will recover. 

Hello thank you for the message. This horrible dysphoric feeling that is drenched in my reality and distorts all my thoughts and that is out of my control culminated into this severe severe sobbing. My entire body loses control and the sobbing overcomes me. Do I just need to let this crying happen multiple times a day? After it happens I go from a 10/10 to an 8/10 and regain alittle control. Do I need to just let these horrible feelings go through me and cry as hard as I can for as long as needed? All day I try to meditate and divert my thoughts to the present and deep breathing and reading etc etc, in efforts to not get to that point of no control. But maybe I need to let it take control of me and go through the crying? I don’t know

[mstimc]

2 minutes ago, Alexander241 said:

All day I try to meditate and divert my thoughts to the present and deep breathing and reading etc etc, in efforts to not get to that point of no control. But maybe I need to let it take control of me and go through the crying? I don’t know

Yes, let the crying happen. Crying is a great way to release anxiety and tension. But allow and accept it. Don't think you're weak or over-emotional for crying, or you'll turn that into more self-judgementalism. 

 

I'm a student of history.  There's a story that during the Civil War, the first time U.S. Grant faced off against Robert E. Lee, he was so agitated, he went in his tent and had a crying fit for a half-hour.  Then he came out of his tent completely calm and collected, and asked his subordinates,. "How are we going to bring the fight to General Lee tomorrow"? Not many people would define Grant as weak.  

[Alexander241]

That’s a great story. I did not cry from 14-33 years old at all due to the medications. 
 

I am just somewhat stuck in this loop of thinking about primarily the anhedonia / apathy I developed 3 years ago. It feels as if I am dead inside with no inkling of light, hope, excitement, joy, or love. It is such a devastating symptom for me to go through life without being able to cling onto some moment of true pleasurable experience. It’s terrifying. It makes all the coping strategies I employ somewhat meaningless. I find myself mourning the death of my old self…I pray I regain the ability to feel emotions. 

[Gregor007]

On 12/24/2024 at 12:27 AM, Alexander241 said:

A constant dysphoria of unimaginable hopeless mental anguish. There is no running from it, and I now cannot even hide from it in sleep. It is a complete detachment and loss of everything that held meaning for me in the past. Nothing looks real or has meaning around me any longer. I am mourning my death it seems. I pray the gates open again and I can experience true emotion and love and peace and comfort again.

 

I can 100% relate!

 

[Alexander241]

Unfortunately friends I cannot put up this fight any longer. I am developing PTSD and trauma responses to being awake. The depressive dysphoric mental pain has now reached to almost the entirety of the day. The constant panic, pacing, awareness of every thought, insomnia, pain in chest is just compounding the suffering. I am going to have to self medicate with low dose benzodiazepine to remove some suffering and come Monday I will have to make a decision on my next move. I figured after the eclomiphene incident things would slowly improve and baseline back to how they were before but after 7 weeks the suffering has only increased. I was able to manage in withdrawal for 6 months but after this recent hormonal incident it’s just not possible. 

[mstimc]

15 minutes ago, Alexander241 said:

Unfortunately friends I cannot put up this fight any longer. I am developing PTSD and trauma responses to being awake. The depressive dysphoric mental pain has now reached to almost the entirety of the day. The constant panic, pacing, awareness of every thought, insomnia, pain in chest is just compounding the suffering. I am going to have to self medicate with low dose benzodiazepine to remove some suffering and come Monday I will have to make a decision on my next move. I figured after the eclomiphene incident things would slowly improve and baseline back to how they were before but after 7 weeks the suffering has only increased. I was able to manage in withdrawal for 6 months but after this recent hormonal incident it’s just not possible. 

Alexander, I'm not an expert on reinstating, and going back on meds is a very personal decision based on individual circumstances, so I won't advise or judge you. But at some time  in the future, you'll need to make the decision to stay on an SSRI or Benzo, or face the reality of WD and recovery.  Others have warned that benzos can be addictive after just a couple weeks, and weaning from that will just add to your WD journey.  If you decide to reinstate and you feel better, I recommend using that as an opportunity to plan how you will use coping strategies when you decide to wean off your meds.  If you're prepared, you'll have a much better chance of dealing with the thoughts and emotions.  

[Alexander241]

Thank you. The thoughts and emotions I can handle. I can even handle the anxiety. It is the severe severe constant dysphoric depression that literally tskes control of my soul. I try to let it take me and just be with it, but this is not normal depression. It is something I can’t even explain on here. The past 2 days I spent the whole day shaking and crying violently. I believe it has become clear that it is progressing in intensity and worsening my other symptoms as well. 

[thenextguy]

I'm so sorry you're struggling like this @Alexander241. Have you tried to consult with a psychiatrist that is educated on psychiatric drug withdrawals? I don't know how much help they can provide, but it is another option if you haven't tried it.

[Alexander241]

10 minutes ago, thenextguy said:

I'm so sorry you're struggling like this @Alexander241. Have you tried to consult with a psychiatrist that is educated on psychiatric drug withdrawals? I don't know how much help they can provide, but it is another option if you haven't tried it.

I haven’t yet no. Ive spoken with my psychiatrists / psychologists though. I don’t understand what’s happening. I was able to get by 6 days without succumbing to the disaster state from prolonged sleep deprivation and severe panic/anxiety/dysphoria.. and that’s when I would take an Ativan, was either that or my parents would bring me to the hospital. Recently it has turned into disaster state 75% of the day. 

[thenextguy]

10 minutes ago, Alexander241 said:

I haven’t yet no. Ive spoken with my psychiatrists / psychologists though. I don’t understand what’s happening. I was able to get by 6 days without succumbing to the disaster state from prolonged sleep deprivation and severe panic/anxiety/dysphoria.. and that’s when I would take an Ativan, was either that or my parents would bring me to the hospital. Recently it has turned into disaster state 75% of the day. 

 

I think that might be worth a shot. If nothing else, more opinions are always better and then you can decide how to proceed.

[mstimc]

46 minutes ago, Alexander241 said:

I haven’t yet no. Ive spoken with my psychiatrists / psychologists though. I don’t understand what’s happening. I was able to get by 6 days without succumbing to the disaster state from prolonged sleep deprivation and severe panic/anxiety/dysphoria.. and that’s when I would take an Ativan, was either that or my parents would bring me to the hospital. Recently it has turned into disaster state 75% of the day. 

You mentioned you may "seld-medicate" with a Benzo.  Did you get a prescription from your regular doctor?