Jolien: NEED SUPPORT AND ADVICE: Lexapro story by Jolien

[Jolien]

TRIGGER WARNINGS:

Suicidal, addiction, drug use, trauma, self harm

 

Start date Lexapro: 2016

End date Lexapro: 12 march 2024

 

Hello all of you beautiful and brave souls,

 

My name is Jolien, I'm a 26 year old woman and I live in Belgium. I already want to apologize if I write errors, I'm doing this on my laptop which does not have auto correct and English is not my native language, it is Dutch. 

 

I started taking Lexapro at 18 years old. I was convinced I needed a drug to feel happy as I was struggeling with addiction at the time and wanted a quick "fix". I was raised in a difficult situation, both parents being mentally ill. At the time I just discovered my mom had psychosis and I believed everything she told me as a child. I grew up convinced that people were stalking us and out there to get us. The abandonment of my father was also really hard on me and is probably the cause of my self esteem issues. This has caused a lot of trauma and because of that I got diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and I also have ADHD which is unrelated to the trauma. This information is important to know for what I'm about to ask later on.

 

In the first few months that I took Lexapro I felt better. In my opinion it felt like MDMA, so me being an addict I was very happy with the results. But after a year or so, I felt like the antidepressants didn't do anything for me anymore. I just felt like before I took the meds I guess. Or at least, that is what I felt like at the time. It just didn't give me a rush anymore. It felt like I was on no antidepressants at all. Never felt it kick in again or anything, even started taking it at night cause I didn't feel anything from it anymore. Except for when I tried to quit multiple times. I never could stand being off the meds for more than 5 days because I immediately became suicidal again. I did expierence this in the past as well A LOT but this felt more urgent and overwhelming, without any reason. No warnings, just suicidal out of the blue. I expierenced very intense negative emotions when I quit as wel as physical symptoms. I really believed something was wrong with me because when I took the meds I was immediately better. But I never truely learned to love myself... 

 

!!!Warning before continuing to read: I do NOT advice anyone uses psychedelics for their healing journey. They can be very dangerous and I was lucky it turned out well. Please, don't use these powerful drugs after reading my story, I strongly advise against them!!!

I continued being on the meds to avoid becoming suicidal. But I still had major issues with self esteem and self hate regardless of the antidepressant. I also remained suicidal from time to time and got myself hooked on alcohol. This all changed when I had a psychedelic expierence. While suicidal ON the antidepressant I got desperate to feel like I am allowed to live or worthy in any way. I decided I wanted to end my life anyway so I had nothing to lose. I decided that because I got nothing to lose to try a psychedelic. This expierence seemed to have healed me from all suicidal tendencies and low self worth. I can't explain how this happened but for the first time in my life I didn't have ANY suicidal thoughts after that expierence. The best years of my life would follow after this. I felt on top of the world, traveled on my own to America, even quit drinking alcohol COMEPLETELY after this expierence. It showed me that I am okay just the way I was... After these best years of my life I decided that enough was enough. I was ready to quit antidepressants. Because I thought I was healed. I was convinced I could never become suicidal again. I had never felt this good.

 

At the time I got to know my boyfriend, who struggles with psychosis and addiction. At the time we were quite stable. So I decided to taper, I only tapered for 1 month which is apperantly a very fast taper for being on these meds for 8 years. When I was off them for about a week, my boyfriend relapsed and cheated on me. I already felt terrible because of the withdrawals. Same symptoms as I always had when quitting but I was managing it better because I had my amazing years and told myself that if I felt suicidal, this is not because of me but because of the pills I'm no longer taking. I could not have done this before. But when my boyfriend relapsed and cheated on me my world collapsed into a very dark place. (please note: my boyfriend is not a bad person, his usage makes him do things that do not align with him, I was the same with alcohol) I remember not being able to regulate any emotions. Becoming angry at him and afterwards feeling so ***** up about what I said. Feeling like I deserved to die because I could not regulate myself. Because I thought I should be able to regulate my emotions, I learned this in therapy and I am a mental health professional myself so... How can someone who is a peer support specialist lose their temper? And I didn't want to take my meds again because for the first time in my life I was already 7 days off them, I didn't want to let my chance slide to get off comepletely. I decided that even if I took them, I would feel broken regardless, so I continued being off them. 

 

Meanwhile things with my boyfriend sometimes stabalized, but sometimes he fell back into addiction and psychosis which was really hard on me. Especially since I have BPD the cheating was very hard on me. Also, my mom had psychosis too so this was really heavy to me too. Time goes by and after about 2 months my physical withdrawal symptoms ended. But sadly my mental issues continued... The first 6 months were hell. I felt random feelings of depression and hopelesness come over me, I started having panic attacks again and any argument with my boyfriend would result in me hating myself for not being able to regulate myself and me relapsing with self harm again. I feel anger again, and I am not okay with that. I didn't think I had the ability to become so angry. I have gone to train rails to end it, police had to be called. I felt so guilty for expressing anger and not being able to regulate. Oh, for some reason I also wasn't able to make ANY dicisions in my life anymore. I was so certain about everything and now I felt so lost. I do have to note that in this period there were also happy days. Very happy days even. But it would never last long.

 

After 6 months of hell I saw some improvement. In the sense that when I crashed, I would get up faster. I still crash really hard but it's like I have created a bit of resilliance. In september I started studying social work again and I have now been doing an internship and I'm performing full time for the first time since 6 years or so. I don't know how I do it but I do it. This internship honestly saved me because I saw some benefits from not taking antidepressants. Here, my anger was good because for the first time in my professional life I was able to set boundaries with the youth I work with. My collegues are really happy with me and this at least made me feel like I am worth something without these meds.

 

It's still rough, very rough. I can still get suicidal easily after an argument and sadly as well self harm, although I don't cut myself till I bleed anymore. Honestly... I have felt happy and good a lot of the time too. Even now, I'm having pretty decent days. And I can honestly say that if I feel good, I even feel better without the meds. But I know that if my life would remain like this forever as I am doing now, I don't know how I'm going to survive... And here is my question... do you all think I could have protracted withdrawal syndrome? Because if I would have this condition, I would be less angry at myself for not being able to regulate. I just think it's weird that all my physical symptoms are not present anymore. I'm so afraid that this is just who I am, that this is a relapse of who I actually am and not a withdrawal... I am so afraid this is just because of borderline and ADHD, both conditions make it harder to regulate emotions... But I feel like I can't love myself if this is the case, because in therapy I have learned to regulate emotions. I should be able to regulate then no?!! Why can't I??? I feel like I should have this under control as I have all the theoratical information I need to be able to regulate. And still... I can't in some situations. And that makes me feel like less of a human being... They are also going to test me for autism. If I were to have autism I would also be more gentle with myself... Autism or this protracted withdrawal syndrome could help me be more gentle with myself... Cause I have learned to take responsibility for my borderline... and I feel VERY RESPONSIBLE if I can't regulate. 😢 Please help. 😢 

 

It's just so weird... I had the absolute BEST YEARS of my life and turned my negative view of myself around, to the point I felt ready to quit these meds. And now this... It's day and night... The only reason I came this far is because of my psychedelic expierence... I hope I don't lose everything it has taught me... I don't want to do it again to save myself as it is can be very dangerous...

 

I know people will ask if my condition was also like this before I started the meds and I can only tell you that I don't know. I was in a really dark place at 18, without diagnosis and without therapy. In combination with being raised by 2 mentally ill parents. Of course I felt like **** you know? So... should I see this through another year or 2 in hopes of it getting better? Or should I try taking those nasty pills again...? I don't know... Is there a way to know for certain if I have protracted withdrawal? I don't know... But I need to know... Anyone else with only mental symptoms?

 

Much love and thank you so much for reading...

 

Kind regards,

 

Jolien xxx

[getofflex]

Hello, and welcome to SA.  We are a volunteer-run community of people who have been or are getting off of psychiatric drugs.  Just from reading your intro post, I think it is very likely you do have protracted withdrawal.  I myself have protracted withdrawal from Lexapro, but it is getting much better, very very slowly.  

 

Did you stop Lexapro cold turkey, or did you taper?  If you tapered, can you please give us more info about your tapering in the signature area?  Also, please put the dates of your several attempts to go off cold turkey earlier, mainly the years, and if you can remember, the months.  Thank you.  

 

Here is some important information about how these drugs actually work.  This will help you understand why it takes so long for your nervous system to recover.  

 

How Psychiatric Drugs Remodel Your Brain

 

 

This helps you understand what withdrawal syndrome is: 

 

Video on Recovery from Psych Drugs

 

Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

 

Here are some techniques to cope with symptoms: 

 

Non Drug Ways to Cope with Withdrawal Symptoms

 

Stability is really important when we are tapering off psych meds.  Please read the link about stability:

 

Keep It Simple, Slow, and Stable

 

We don't suggest many supplements, but 2 that many of us find helpful are magnesium and omega-3 fish oil. Here are the links for info about those. It is suggested to add one at a time, and start with a low dose to see how it affects you. 

Magnesium

Omega 3 Fish Oil

 

On 1/7/2025 at 2:54 PM, Jolien said:

should I try taking those nasty pills again...? I don't know...

To be honest, once a person's nervous system has been destabilized by psych drug discontinuation and withdrawal, going back on the drugs puts you at risk of messing your up even further, and every time this happens, it will be worse, and even harder to overcome and get off the drugs.  If it were me, I would stay far away from all psych meds, as well as any other psychoactive drugs or substances.  That includes the psychedelics.  

 

You have been through quite a bit of trauma, and I think this may also be playing into your emotions, and trouble regulating them.  To be honest, I've also had trauma, and am still learning to regulate my own emotions.  I think you may be dealing with a combination of post acute withdrawal syndrome, plus trauma.  The good news is that you are recovering!  From what you have told me you are improving.  It can take many months, to even years to completely recover from protracted withdrawal.  However you are young, so I think your recovery will go faster.  The best advice I can give you, is to find natural ways to soothe your nervous system and cope with with your symptoms.  One symptom of protracted withdrawal is neuro emotions.  Here is a link about this.  I have this still myself, but it is getting milder as time goes on. 

 

Neuroemotions

 

The keys to recovery from this are lots of time, and tons of patience.  In time, you will slowly improve.  Please keep in touch, and let us know how you are doing. 

 

Edited January 8 by getofflex

[Jolien]

22 hours ago, getofflex said:

Hello, and welcome to SA.  We are a volunteer-run community of people who have been or are getting off of psychiatric drugs.  Just from reading your intro post, I think it is very likely you do have protracted withdrawal.  I myself have protracted withdrawal from Lexapro, but it is getting much better, very very slowly.  

 

Did you stop Lexapro cold turkey, or did you taper?  If you tapered, can you please give us more info about your tapering in the signature area?  Also, please put the dates of your several attempts to go off cold turkey earlier, mainly the years, and if you can remember, the months.  Thank you.  

 

Here is some important information about how these drugs actually work.  This will help you understand why it takes so long for your nervous system to recover.  

 

How Psychiatric Drugs Remodel Your Brain

 

 

This helps you understand what withdrawal syndrome is: 

 

Video on Recovery from Psych Drugs

 

Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

 

Here are some techniques to cope with symptoms: 

 

Non Drug Ways to Cope with Withdrawal Symptoms

 

Stability is really important when we are tapering off psych meds.  Please read the link about stability:

 

Keep It Simple, Slow, and Stable

 

We don't suggest many supplements, but 2 that many of us find helpful are magnesium and omega-3 fish oil. Here are the links for info about those. It is suggested to add one at a time, and start with a low dose to see how it affects you. 

Magnesium

Omega 3 Fish Oil

 

To be honest, once a person's nervous system has been destabilized by psych drug discontinuation and withdrawal, going back on the drugs puts you at risk of messing your up even further, and every time this happens, it will be worse, and even harder to overcome and get off the drugs.  If it were me, I would stay far away from all psych meds, as well as any other psychoactive drugs or substances.  That includes the psychedelics.  

 

You have been through quite a bit of trauma, and I think this may also be playing into your emotions, and trouble regulating them.  To be honest, I've also had trauma, and am still learning to regulate my own emotions.  I think you may be dealing with a combination of post acute withdrawal syndrome, plus trauma.  The good news is that you are recovering!  From what you have told me you are improving.  It can take many months, to even years to completely recover from protracted withdrawal.  However you are young, so I think your recovery will go faster.  The best advice I can give you, is to find natural ways to soothe your nervous system and cope with with your symptoms.  One symptom of protracted withdrawal is neuro emotions.  Here is a link about this.  I have this still myself, but it is getting milder as time goes on. 

 

Neuroemotions

 

The keys to recovery from this are lots of time, and tons of patience.  In time, you will slowly improve.  Please keep in touch, and let us know how you are doing. 

Hello! Thank you for reading my story. I hope I am doing this forum thing right, I hope this is the correct method to respond. I am happy actually that you think it's likely protacted withdrawal. This makes it so that I can be more kind and patient with myself. I'm going to my doctor tomorrow and I am very curious to see if she even knows what it is. As far as the neuro-emotions... it's so difficult because the last time I was fully sober in life is when I was 14 years old or so, so I would not even remember what normal emotions feel like. (I still take tiny amounts of ADHD meds and trazodone now) I understand you advising me to stay off all drugs and that is what I am trying to do. Sadly, when I get suicidal, the only thing that calms it down is to smoke a bit of weed. It prevents me from self harming  myself for some reason. It gives me time to sit still and focus... I would NOT advice using weed to anyone as weed is NOT a miracle plant, it also has many dangers like developing psychosis and CHS. And I hate that it works for me, I am even ashamed about it. But I only use when needed, never daily. Not even weekly. Or even monthly sometimes. I'm already happy I don't drink alcohol anymore, I was not able to regulate my usage with that at all and made some terrible mistakes on it. The others psychedelics have helped me enough and I don't feel the need to do it again as it is very dangerous and I was very lucky. So no worries about me using that again.  My psychedelic expierence actually showed me (very weird I know...) that life is beautiful sober, that I don't need all those drugs to be happy, happiness is something I can cultivate on my own. This inspired me to quit as much drugs as possible,  including the meds. I will be so happy when I get through this in a sober way, living the life I know is possible without alterations... I know there was truth to my expierence. And that is enough. Thank you for giving me hope. How long did protracted withdrawal last for you? I heard 3 years is common. Kind regards and much love out of Belgium, Jolien. 

22 hours ago, getofflex said:

 

 

[Jolien]

22 hours ago, getofflex said:

Hello, and welcome to SA.  We are a volunteer-run community of people who have been or are getting off of psychiatric drugs.  Just from reading your intro post, I think it is very likely you do have protracted withdrawal.  I myself have protracted withdrawal from Lexapro, but it is getting much better, very very slowly.  

 

Did you stop Lexapro cold turkey, or did you taper?  If you tapered, can you please give us more info about your tapering in the signature area?  Also, please put the dates of your several attempts to go off cold turkey earlier, mainly the years, and if you can remember, the months.  Thank you.  

 

Here is some important information about how these drugs actually work.  This will help you understand why it takes so long for your nervous system to recover.  

 

How Psychiatric Drugs Remodel Your Brain

 

 

This helps you understand what withdrawal syndrome is: 

 

Video on Recovery from Psych Drugs

 

Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization

 

 

Here are some techniques to cope with symptoms: 

 

Non Drug Ways to Cope with Withdrawal Symptoms

 

Stability is really important when we are tapering off psych meds.  Please read the link about stability:

 

Keep It Simple, Slow, and Stable

 

We don't suggest many supplements, but 2 that many of us find helpful are magnesium and omega-3 fish oil. Here are the links for info about those. It is suggested to add one at a time, and start with a low dose to see how it affects you. 

Magnesium

Omega 3 Fish Oil

 

To be honest, once a person's nervous system has been destabilized by psych drug discontinuation and withdrawal, going back on the drugs puts you at risk of messing your up even further, and every time this happens, it will be worse, and even harder to overcome and get off the drugs.  If it were me, I would stay far away from all psych meds, as well as any other psychoactive drugs or substances.  That includes the psychedelics.  

 

You have been through quite a bit of trauma, and I think this may also be playing into your emotions, and trouble regulating them.  To be honest, I've also had trauma, and am still learning to regulate my own emotions.  I think you may be dealing with a combination of post acute withdrawal syndrome, plus trauma.  The good news is that you are recovering!  From what you have told me you are improving.  It can take many months, to even years to completely recover from protracted withdrawal.  However you are young, so I think your recovery will go faster.  The best advice I can give you, is to find natural ways to soothe your nervous system and cope with with your symptoms.  One symptom of protracted withdrawal is neuro emotions.  Here is a link about this.  I have this still myself, but it is getting milder as time goes on. 

 

Neuroemotions

 

The keys to recovery from this are lots of time, and tons of patience.  In time, you will slowly improve.  Please keep in touch, and let us know how you are doing. 

 

Can I also ask you if you know about others who only expierence psychological withdrawal and who also have PAWS? Seems like everyone on the site has physical symptoms for months too. Mine only lasted for 1 month... Sorry for the private message! Decided to not answer the message and just post it here.  Thank you

[getofflex]

No worries on the private message - thanks for understanding.  No, I don't know any offhand.  Your best bet is just to read through the posts in the Introductions and Updates forum and talk to people there.  

[KenA]

Symptoms can vary from person to person and change over time as well. I know personally mine would swip-swap at any random time. I would have days of just physical symptoms, then it would switch and I would have days of only mental symptoms. Some times I would have all the above in the same day. Because each of us is unique, our healing journey is also unique to us and different between people. One thing I learned was how to stop attaching myself to the symptoms and just recognize that they are all a part of the healing process. Your brain has to fix things in an order that it knows how to do best. You just have to trust in your brains amazing ability to heal itself. No matter what you experience, it's all good healing! Hang in there, it gets better!

[AAOffZ]

16 hours ago, Jolien said:

Can I also ask you if you know about others who only expierence psychological withdrawal and who also have PAWS? Seems like everyone on the site has physical symptoms for months too. Mine only lasted for 1 month... Sorry for the private message! Decided to not answer the message and just post it here.  Thank you

I had next to none physical symptoms with my withdrawal. I am still on my medication, but I had an adverse reaction to a super high dose followed by another adverse reaction to a second medication. And then experienced withdrawal after coming off that high dose. 
 

I had a severe headache for about a week, but that’s all I can remember physically.  For about five months I experienced waves and windows mentally with no physical symptoms.