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Acceptance and Hope


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i am having a very hard time with acceptance. i won’t be saying anything new here, but i guess i need to say it. i am so afraid that i will never feel like myself again. i am so afraid that the all-encompassing numbness will never lift, that i’ll never be able to date or marry, feel warmth watching my niece and nephews play, feel love towards my family. i have to accept that i don’t know when or if i will heal. i have to accept that most of the people in my life will not be able to understand what i’m going through, even when they want to. i have to accept that my psychiatrist wants me to continue tapering valium, even when i say i need a hold after all that i’ve put my brain through. i have been so angry, anxious and depressed. i have ruminated endlessly, scoured forums for quick recovery stories and cures, pleaded with my therapist for answers she can’t give me. i am trying to get more involved in AA, where i see lots of acceptance… but even there, i just feel so isolated, so cut off from everyone else. i guess i have not made it to acceptance quite yet. 

-lexapro 10mg daily from 2012 to 2021 (halfed dose in 4/2021, went all the way off 6/21)

-various benzos 2014-2019... valium 2019-10/2021~20mg, inconsistent but daily dosing
10/9-17.5mg 10/23-15m 11/29 - 12.5 12/24 - 12 12/31 - 11.5 
2/27/22 - 11 3/31 - 10.5 4/14 - 10 5/3 - 9.5 5/15 - 9 6/6 - 8.5

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  • Moderator



I totally understand what you're feeling right now. I feel the exact same way.


With the exception of those on here and my husband, I find it to be a terribly isolating experience. Close friends and family simply do not understand. I can watch my kids and feel warmth and love, but hovering in the back of my mind is always, will I ever feel normal again and not have all of these horrible symptoms. I keep holding on to the hope that others share on here, the ones that are noticing improvements for the positive. But there are definitely some days where I just lay in bed and wish for the day to come to an end, hoping that the next will be better. I'm try to take things day by day, hour by hour and sometimes even just minute to minute. 


I feel the anger and frustration and also a lot of sadness. Angry and frustrated at a broken system and sadness that I am stuck in it. I move through the stages of grief almost daily, but I think all the feelings are completely normal for what we're going through.


I saw on here someone read a book called Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life by Steven Hayes and found it helpful. I just purchased it today and hoping it will help. If you ever need to talk, please reach out.

2003-2009 on and off various SSRI's for short periods, Ativan prn

2010-2011 Ativan, up to 1.5mg/day - tapered off without issue

2013-2021 ativan 1-1.5mg 10-12x/month, daily starting Oct 21 to help with buspar WD

2016 - Effexor 75mg, short-term

2021 Mar -Jun Buspar ADR at high dose, tapered 3 months

2021 Aug Wellbutrin 150mg for 5 days (ADR), then MIrtazapine 7.5mg for 7 days (ADR)

Oct 22/21 - Direct switch ativan to clonazepam (don't do this)

Tapered clonaz Oct/21 - Apr/23  - 0mg!


Supplements: omega-3, mag-glycinate


"Believe that your tragedies, your losses, your sorrows, your hurt, happened for you, not to you. And I bless the thing that broke you down and cracked you open, because the world needs you open" - Rebecca Campbell


*** Disclaimer: Please note, my suggestions/comments are based on my own personal experiences. Please consult a knowledgeable practitioner to discuss decisions regarding your medical care *** 


                                                             *** Please do not send me PM's ***

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  • Mentor

@canaanstongue01 @MedRN

I am feeling the loss too.......I fight the same thoughts of will I make it out of this.  Will I ever be able to be with my kids and grandkids again.........Is this part of the dooms day neuro-emotions that they talk about on here....I find that I have avoid in my rational brain. Waiting for evening and night is a small relief for me.....This is generally where I get a small break from my obsessing, panic brain and whatever WD is throwing at me..........


I am in awe and even have envy for those that find acceptance. The most I can do some days is accept my symptoms for that day.......But we should not sell ourselves short......We each are getting through the days and each one of us will have different symptoms how painful they are. Not one of us is less of a person because of how we go through this journey...This happened to us, it is not us...We can not let it define us.........

We are not alone on this journey.....Lonely maybe (yes) but there are so many of us hurting and looking for some normalcy.....


Hang in there you too♥️  






1995? Prozac,  tried several Paxil, Serzone, St John's Wart back to Prozac and Trazodone ct:d Traz

 Lexapro. Tried to stop Crash in 2015  Kindled   Hospitalized, Vybrid, Seroquel, Effexor, Abilify  Pristiq, Wellbutrin-- 2016  ended back on   Prozac and Lamictal 200mg

5/2020  thru 12/2020 taper from 20mg  Prozac  down to 3mg.  Crashed  12/13/2020 Zoloft 50mg 1/29ct  1/29/2021 Seroquel 50mg ct  2/12/2021 Wellbutrin 75mg.  Became hypo manic 2/1  6ct Trazodone 50mg 4/25  25mg 2/5/ 2021 Lamictal 150mg.  2/24  100mg   4/9  75mg   4/21 37.5 

2/16/2021 Seroquel 50xr  3/3 100mg  3/17  150mg  side effects ct   4/3 2021 Lexapro 5mg  4/14  7.5mg  4/30 10mg  5/10  7.5mg 

2021/ 5/16  5mg Lexapro   37.5 Lamictal   25mg trazadone,   xanax  .0625mg  3x a day   

Lexapro  Taper> Sept/01/2021  4.90mg>  Sept/25  4.75mg>   Oct/19 4.69mg > Nov/14 4.2mg    Jan/30/2022-- Split dosing 2x a day All liquid  4.2mg  (2.20mg at 8am & 2mg at 4pm) 2/17 4mg>  2/24  3.8mg  slow taper to  Aug/12/2022 2.04mg  2023> 2mg,  1.90mg, 1.80mg, 1.70mg, 1.5mg, 1.4mg, 1.3mg 1.2mg, 1.1mg, 1mg, 0.9mg, 0.8mg, 0.7mg 0.65mg, 0.6mg, 0.55mg, 0.5mg, 0.45mg, 0.4mg, 0.35mg, 0.3mg, 0.25,mg, back to once a day dosing 0 .1mg, 0.07mg , 0.05mg 4/1/2024   0

Lamictal  taper  4/17/ 2022 25mg, 9/9/ 22 -20mg, 9/25/22- 15mg , 10/20/22-   0

 Trazodone..2023.>down to 14mg, 7mg, 6mg  July 2023   0

Xanax  0.0625 3 x a day,  2023>  0.042 3x a day

Supplements  Magnesium glycinate, Omega 3, D3, vitamin c , zinc, NAC 

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  • 2 months later...

Boy oh boy is this right.  I am just switching to accepting the journey after four months.  And it seems to be switching something.  I accepted I can't expect an instant cure or know the timeline.  I am starting to believe I will heal as more symptoms have disappeared, healed or leveled off.   I'm not being passive as I truly believe positive mindset, exercise, engaging in life as much as possible and diet can help the process.  I have switched to thinking about recovery as a waste of time and reframed it as an opportunity to reset.  It does make a difference.  My days are going by faster as I do things to pass the time.  I am doing consult for neurofeedback provider to start in July.  I have been waiting for six month mark and feeling stable enough to drive the hour and half round trip for biweekly appointments. I am thrilled to say I can though it still will be an effort.  Also getting acupuncture weekly.  I think the structure will be as beneficial as treatment. Been visiting my parents and slowly socializing with a few trusted people.  Going to stores.  I was developing serious social anxiety which is abating by going out.  This had been only in the past three weeks.  I still have my meltdowns but they are much shorter or even skip entire days.  I also have been telling myself a better story instead of doom.  While I think we can all heal no matter the attitude, our minds are powerful. So it's worth visualizing the positive.  This has been probably the single hardest and most beneficial thing I've done.  I'm kinda shocked I have been as successful with it as I have been.  I think it's what is moving me towards acceptance which ironically is making me feel more not less empowered.  Probably because the positive story makes me feel there is value in my life now.  I think I'm onto something.  Only 15 minute meltdown today!   I am not letting the fear rule the story all the time.  People heal.  I will too.  I feel like I'm slowly being penciled in.  It's a nice image to imagine this as a meditation ad myself as a coloring book image.


Recent 2018 Zoloft 150mg  (20 years taking at various times, no real issues before stopping)

2019 Risperdal one month low dose (forget amount) stopped bad reaction

2019 Remeron 7.5 mg sleep  (discontinued in mid 2019) on for six months (tapered for a few weeks)

Zoloft 100 mg Summer 2020/Zoloft 75 mg Summer 2021

Zoloft 50 mg November 2021/ Zoloft 25 mg First two weeks January 2022: Reinstated 50 mgJanuary Last week)

Crash in February - on and off doses as doctors conflicted over serotonin syndrome/withdrawal - stopped all for two week & resumed:\

Other drugs tried in hospitals (Abilify, 1mg, 1 dose, Zyprexa 1 dose 1mg, Klonopin .25 4 doses in 2 hospitalizations)

March 1 titrated Zoloft up from 0 to 65 from February to Early May

Severe vision problems at 65 mg (improved depression)

Taper to 55 6/15, 45mg 7/15/ 35mg 8/1, 25mg 8/15, 10 mg, 8/31 OFF 9/2022 Omg  Improved with drops from August to September - November crash ONE dose Zoloft 3mg 11/17 - worsened symptoms - Remain off Zoloft

Mirtazapine -3.5 mg six weeks mid march to end april, occasionally for sleep

Supplements: Fish oil, magnesium, lions mane, cytokine suppress, MCT Oil

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  • 4 weeks later...
  • Moderator Emeritus

This might be helpful:


On 1/29/2022 at 1:29 PM, ChessieCat said:

We understand that members can be upset and angry, and this is normal.  We trusted our medical professionals.  We expected them to know what to do.  This in itself is bad enough, but to have to deal with the fall out of their treatment makes it so much worse.


Staff do not need to remember what they went through personally, or experience a particular issue themselves, to understand what a member is going through.  We are constantly reminded of the effect of psychiatric drugs, on, off and trying to get off them, because we see time and time again here at SA when responding to members.


There is basically two types of members, the ones who followed the advice of a medical professional and the ones who tried to do things themselves.


The first type tend to have anger and be upset with the doctor, whereas the second type can be angry and upset with themselves, for causing the situation that they find themselves in.


For both types of members part of the process of the psychiatric drug journey is to learn to accept that what has happened has happened and there is nothing that can be done to go back and change it.  It is in the past, it is history.  Yes it is a fact that it has happened but staying emotional about it is not helpful to your recovery.  Yes it can be hard to do, but it is often the first hurdle to get over.  Once you can accept the situation, there is less stress, and less stress allows the body and brain a chance to do what it has to do to recover, instead of dealing with the stress.


And I have seen the difference it makes once a member accepts their situation and then focuses on doing what they need to do to recover (and I don't mean taking supplements, but self care and non drug coping, tapering carefully, holding as needed etc).  We find ourselves on a horrible roller coaster against our will.  We are buckled in our seat and cannot get off it whilst it is moving.  But we do have a choice and control over how we feel during the ride.  We can get emotional and kick and scream and keep telling ourselves we are scared, angry, etc or we can hold on as best we can, try to sit as comfortably as we can (instead of flinging ourselves around), accept that we have to go through it and believe that it will come to an end.  And just like being on a scary rollercoaster, it generally seems to take much longer than it actually is.


We feel like we need to do something to fix the situation.  We feel like doing nothing is just that, doing nothing.  However, doing nothing IS actually doing something.  It is giving the brain the time it needs to make the adjustments that it needs to make to regain homeostasis, which it is constantly trying to do.



MISSION ACCOMPLISHED:  (6 year taper)      0mg Pristiq  on 13th November 2021

ADs since ~1992:  25+ years - 1 unknown, Prozac (muscle weakness), Zoloft; citalopram (pooped out) CTed (very sick for 2.5 wks a few months after); Pristiq:  50mg 2012, 100mg beg 2013 (Serotonin Toxicity)  Tapering from Oct 2015 - 13 Nov 2021   LAST DOSE 0.0025mg

Post 0 updates start here    My tapering program     My Intro (goes to tapering graph)

 VIDEO:   Antidepressant Withdrawal Syndrome and its Management

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