Chanttojah: I had no idea

[Chanttojah]

I am typing this with newly assembled hindsight.

Hindsight that I have only (within the past few weeks)  been able to piece together.

 

Ive been sober since July 2001.

 

in 2003 I met a woman (who is also sober about as long as I).
We fell in love but were not totally compadible with each other.

As a result of our couples therapist's belief that I was suffering from depression and anxiety,

I was prescribed Lexapro in 2005.

I was very hesitant to go on Lexapro and argued with our therapist, as I was in a recovery group at the time that preached against Medication.

I began taking Lexapro, partially because I wanted to save my relationship and knew that the symptoms of this "deperession" and "anxiety" were destroying it.

My symptoms cleared immediately and we enjoyd some piece together. I felt tremendous relief. We bought a house together, got engaged and got married in 2007.

Our relationship began to suffer again. I began to look for all sorts of external conditions to explain this.

I was also in a high-stress, deadline oriented career (for over 2 decades) which matched and even cooperated with my anxiety.

Without this base level of anxiety (removed by the Lexapro) I could no longer function in this career and I quit my job in 2008.

Having some freedom from my anxiety and depression, I was craving more creativity in my life and took up photography and started a small business as soon as I left my corporate career.

 

WIthout the very subtle and very specific mental and moral compass (that I belive lexapro shut off) I made a series of very poor and very poorly timed decisions which all but destroyred my entire life.

 

One week after I left my job we found out that we were pregnant.

Three weeks after I left my job the economy crashed.
I made the decision to cash out my sizable retirement fund to support the business and our mortgage.

 

Although I was not able to feel or recognize it, the poor timing of these decisons caused myself and my wife much finacial stress.

 

Our Daughter was born in 2009 and I fell in love all over again.

Coupled with the reality that I had become almost totally withdrawn and obsessed with my small business, but not feeling any of this,

my relationship with and marriage to my wife began to suffer at a time when we needed to be more together than ever.

 

When my daughter was 9 months old, my wife and I separated.
 

I went to live at my office under my desk.

I could not access any of the emotions througout any of this and was convinced this was all my wife's fault.

 

I began to see an individual therapist who doubled the dosage of the Lexaro from 10mg to 20mg

 

My wife and I divorced in 2011. My ex-wife got our home all of our possessions and full cusdody of our daughter.

Not becuase of a court battle but because I gave everything to her.

I was not able to access any emotions, sencse of urgency or any deep sense of reality.

 

My business began to fail and in 2011 I went back to a corporate position while operating my small business.
I could not at the time understand the apathy and the despair that I was living with.

I closed my business and took a different corporate position.

I moved into an apartment 3 blocks from my Ex-wife and Daughter.

I lost the ability to get out of bed in the morning. Luckily my new job was work-from-home.

I answered many emails from bed and often went days without turning in any work.

I rarely left the house.

 

Not recognizing the apathy brought on by years of being on Lexapro,

I started to wonder if I had ADHD as the symptoms I was experiencing seemed to be a match.
I was prescribed Adderall. My natural motivation to work was replaced with a the hyper-active, speedy-ness of the Adderall.

I became very productive but hated the Adderall crash, which made me sleep for 48 hours every 2 weeks.

 

I swithced from Adderall to the Nootropic Nuvigi.
I expereinced more productivity than ever before and I found myself working my corporate job as well as taking on large freelance assignments.

The incresed productivity was no match for the finacial ruin I caused myself.

I more than exhausted my retirement fund, my credit score crashed and I was working only to pay rent and child support.

I could no longer afford nor was I interested in paying any of my bills.

 

Meanwhile, my ex-wife and daughter re-located out of state.

I gave up my apartment to crash at a friends vacant apartment (that had no kitchen) to save money.

 

I was now on Lexapro and NuVugil.

The focus and increased energy from the Nuvigil was only countering the apathy from the lexapro.

Soon the apathy from the lexapro won and I quit my job.

 

Luckily I was offered a freelance position in Los Angeles and with only my car and a suitcase with some clothing to my name I relocated.

 

I have been technically homeless for almost 3 years, (I have free living quaters at my job)

I lost a marriage, I lost custody of my daughter, I lost two careers, I lost all my posessions,  I lost all my money and I have filed chapter 7 and lost my credit.

 

WIth no more insurance and a desire to get off all medications and try to rebuild my life, I tapered off of Lexapro for 3 months and quit Nuvigil cold turkey.

By September of 2014 I was off all medications for the first time in 9 years.

 

I went through the very difficult few months of emotional rollercoaster and crying jags.

Most profound was the years and years of unprocessed emotions that have attacked me and continue to haunt me in my quiet hours.

This has almost desroyed me.

 

I have begun a very serious Yoga practice. Changed my diet drastically and have returned to my 12 step groups.
(During my time on Lexapro I had also lost the ability to identify in my recovery groups and all but stopped attending.)

 

Today,

My personality is still far from what I believe to be normal, I have much fear, guilt and shame and overall I am still feeling totally defeated.

However

I have my health, my sobriety, and although separated, I have a very strong relationship with my 6 year old Daughter.

I have a new career that doesnt pay much but is incredibly rewarding in other aspects.

 

I also have some hope.

 

What I have found most shocking thorugh all of this is that I am only within the past few WEEKS begining to make the connection to Lexapro and the total and complete collapse of my entire life.

 

I am writing this because although medication free for 9 months I have experiecned as recent as last week, waves of extreme negative thoughts and feelings of hopelessness.

This latest wave made me wonder if getting of medications has done any good what-so-ever. I discovered this forum and was given much hope as a result.

 

My hope is that this disclosure will help someone.

[Tilly]

Chanttojah,

 

Firstly, welcome. You are very welcome here and will receive much deserved support from people who have experienced similar and understand.

 

I have been on Lexapro for just a few years, but numerous SSRIs for approaching 15 years. I can identify and empathise with the losses that you have experienced and are now feeling profoundly. My heart goes out to you.

 

Take comfort in the fact that you are resourceful and one of life's survivors. These drugs take so much from us, but you have managed to sustain a loving relationship with your daughter through sheer determination. This in itself is such a huge achievement to be proud of. I salute you.

 

You will pick up the pieces of your life and thrive again. What you are experiencing now is akin to a grieving process, which I too am experiencing. Feel free to use your journal here on this forum to express your feelings and daily struggles and receive support. 

 

None of us here should have experienced what we have as a consequence of prescription drugs that we were told were essential to help us to function in one way or another. But we are here and have each other to support each other through.

 

You will find support, strength and compassion here that will see you through to the other side and next chapter of your life. 

 

I wish you the best of everything in your journey.

 

Be kind to yourself.

 

Tilly x

[OffEFFexor]

Wow, what a journey.

 

You have determined that a lot of your thinking and your emotions while you were on Lexapro were manifestations of the drug, not your true self. 

 

Many many of us on this website have recognized that much of what we think and feel during long term withdrawal from antidepressant medications are the drug effects/withdrawal effects/healing effects.  Not our own true selves and personalities.  This continues to occur months after cessation of the drugs.  Strange but true. 

[Chanttojah]

Thank-you Tilly!
 

[Tilly]

Thank-you Tilly!

 

You are more than welcome, Chanttojah.

 

You will gain so much insight, understanding and strength here. Not to mention the likelihood of making genuine friends here who understand and offer support.

 

Your yoga practice will benefit you greatly. I have practised yoga for over 20 years and qualified as a yoga teacher and trainer for children and adults. I can attest personally and professionally to the scope of benefits that yoga practice brings.

 

You are on a good path, as painful as it can be, keep moving forward. The positive results will come with time and patience.

 

Namaste, my friend.

 

Tilly x

[westcoast]

You are not along in having lost so much--wealth, people, jobs, self-confidence--after going on psych drugs. The blaming of others that you described was experienced by others here, too. A lot of us have had to get used to a new "lifestyle," and are hammered by regret, despair, anger, sadness, the whole gamut.

Making it harder is that withdrawal adds its own flavor to the ordinary reactions. The depression can be darker than anything felt in the past, and anxiety is more like dread. It is qualitatively different for many of us. It was for me.

 

Glad you made it here!

 

[Flowers]

You have gone through such a tough time. But you made it through and are doing your best to rebuild your life.

 

Here you will find so many kind, friendly and supportive people to aid you on your way to recovery.

 

Best Wishes from Flowers xxx