Hospitalization/past treatment trauma

[Barbarannamated]

I thought about opening up this topic a few times then had a flashback memory while posting in another thread that hit me hard. As I've mentioned elsewhere, I had 2 3-day hositalizations, both voluntary. The first was in early 2000s after losing my career and during last years of 10+ year Work Comp lawsuit (many stressful depositions, permanent disability due to chronic head/neck pain). I told my pain doc at an appointment that I wasnt feeling stable/safe...I'm not certain how it was worded or went down. It was quite low key. I recall he picked up the phone in the room, calmly said something to who I assume was nurse or front office. Next thing I knew, I was being escorted out by a cop. He took me outside the office and handcuffed me because he was alone on duty and it was "procedure". I was not acting out in any way, exhibiting depression or mania. I was very calm and told the cop that I understood, underfunded and all. He kept explaining that I wasnt being arrested and I was cuffed because he was alone and it was procedure. I just remember that they hurt.

Hospitalization was unremarkable and doc was very supportive and encouraged me to keep fighting the damn system because it was their intent to wear me down. I never wanted to file a suit. My doc said he had to because it would be insurance fraud to bill private insurance.

 

Second hospitalization was for detox, which ive discussed several times.

 

The memory that came today was of Intensive Outpatient program I sought out, unrelated to either hospitalizations. Here is what I posted that hit me very hard:

 

I did 2 Intensive Outpatient programs voluntarily, desperate for something to do, to try to get myself back into a routine after not working for so long. I was not eligible for Vocational Rehab programs because I had a college degree and other political/insurance issues that I cant recall now. A friend had same injury, was not given permanent disability, but was put in a Work Rehab program of some sort. She's gainfully employed now.

Very bad idea! I had to see their psychiatrists who essentially forced me into detox for opiates that they claimed were not allowing SNRIs and neuroleptics to work. Nobody ever addressed the simple fact that I lost my career and desperately needed to feel needed and with purpose. It was demoralizing. The "field trips" were to grocery stores to learn how to shop for healthy foods, etc. I was SCREAMING on the inside! "I lost my career and purpose in life, not my brain!" I remember seething, thinking of the multi day events I planned only a few years prior, budgets that would make most heads spin, etc. It was incredibly demeaning, demoralizing... I never realized how deeply that one grocery shopping field trip effected me until today. I still feel how I felt, sitting on that little bus thinking I had more education than the RN leading the group.

Thanks for 'listening'. I sure have a boatload of junk to work through in addition to the drug damage. If anyone cares to share similar experiences or how you're dealing with them, I would very much appreciate.

 

Note: this was after several attempts to fit in at different churches, Bible studies, volunteering. After the last hospitalization in 2008, I improved on my own after a few harrowing years and interviewed for a few jobs. Got to final 2 candidates, then lost or they didnt hire (height of recession)

[Skyler]

The experiences sound like they were dreadful. Glad you shared. ~S

[Jemima]

It will be two years since I was hospitalized for (Lipitor induced) depression this coming September, and I still have nightmares from that experience. I'm now afraid of doctors and even more afraid of prescription drugs. The episode above where Barbara's doctor misinterpreted a comment and panicked gives me chills. The doctor was clearly more concerned about being legally liable than he was about his patient, an attitude that seems to be quite common in the medical "profession".

 

Having the police involved in hospitalizations is really ugly and frightening for the person who's already upset. In one community where I worked as a therapist, the police dispatcher would contact the mental health center first in any situation which was clearly a mental health scenario, and the mental health center would then send out a team of counselors. Only if the counselors determined that the situation was escalating into violence would they call the police for backup. I've never seen any statistics, but I'd bet this approach reduced hospitalizations dramatically.

[Barbarannamated]

Thanks Schuyler and Jemima.

Just to clarify... I was aware that what i wrote or said during doc appointment might trigger discussion of hospitalization, which is why I termed it "voluntary". I was incredibly distraught with the legal maneuverings and chronic pain. A cry for help, so to speak.

What DID shock me was the way it went down - no discussion, questioning, etc. A liability issue, I'm sure. This doctor had treated me for a few years and is still my pain doc, though I've lost respect due to some recent events. The hospitalization has never been discussed. I'm not certain how it was coded.

 

I have tremendous fear of docs now and am cautious of what I say to anyone after reading of accounts of people having friends calling 911 after discussing how they feel (and cops being dispatched). It's almost impossible to be honest with many people.

I've also read that there was a Poster Session at APA about using Social Media to screen for signs of depression and self harm and intervene if appropriate. It was worded as "prevention" with a positive spin, of course. That is disturbing beyond words.

[elizabeth11]

Wow, what an experience! Thanks for sharing. Wish I had something more insightful to say.

 

Hugs,

Elizabeth

[Nikki]

Barb anyone, I don't care who they are, would have serious feelings in looking back on being hospitalized with the police in tow.

 

It is being stripped of your rights which is violating.

 

You have shared that you lost a part of yourself with being injured and not being able to work. I get the impression you were quite independent.

 

Is there something that you can think of to recreate youself, or start up a business of your own? Horse back riding business??? Petting zoo. Boarding horses.

 

I don't know if this is good advise for you, I had to do recreate my career.

Glad I did.

 

Hang in there.......

[Barbarannamated]

Thanks everyone.

 

Nikki, I've done various volunteer things over the years. The private disability program prohibits any income, even temporary. Also have physical restrictions due to neck injury.

I'll figure something out eventually. It makes it difficult to reestablish independence.

[annej]

I thought about opening up this topic a few times then had a flashback memory while posting in another thread that hit me hard. As I've mentioned elsewhere, I had 2 3-day hositalizations, both voluntary. The first was in early 2000s after losing my career and during last years of 10+ year Work Comp lawsuit (many stressful depositions, permanent disability due to chronic head/neck pain). I told my pain doc at an appointment that I wasnt feeling stable/safe...I'm not certain how it was worded or went down. It was quite low key. I recall he picked up the phone in the room, calmly said something to who I assume was nurse or front office. Next thing I knew, I was being escorted out by a cop. He took me outside the office and handcuffed me because he was alone on duty and it was "procedure". I was not acting out in any way, exhibiting depression or mania. I was very calm and told the cop that I understood, underfunded and all. He kept explaining that I wasnt being arrested and I was cuffed because he was alone and it was procedure. I just remember that they hurt.

Hospitalization was unremarkable and doc was very supportive and encouraged me to keep fighting the damn system because it was their intent to wear me down. I never wanted to file a suit. My doc said he had to because it would be insurance fraud to bill private insurance.

 

Second hospitalization was for detox, which ive discussed several times.

 

The memory that came today was of Intensive Outpatient program I sought out, unrelated to either hospitalizations. Here is what I posted that hit me very hard:

 

I did 2 Intensive Outpatient programs voluntarily, desperate for something to do, to try to get myself back into a routine after not working for so long. I was not eligible for Vocational Rehab programs because I had a college degree and other political/insurance issues that I cant recall now. A friend had same injury, was not given permanent disability, but was put in a Work Rehab program of some sort. She's gainfully employed now.

Very bad idea! I had to see their psychiatrists who essentially forced me into detox for opiates that they claimed were not allowing SNRIs and neuroleptics to work. Nobody ever addressed the simple fact that I lost my career and desperately needed to feel needed and with purpose. It was demoralizing. The "field trips" were to grocery stores to learn how to shop for healthy foods, etc. I was SCREAMING on the inside! "I lost my career and purpose in life, not my brain!" I remember seething, thinking of the multi day events I planned only a few years prior, budgets that would make most heads spin, etc. It was incredibly demeaning, demoralizing... I never realized how deeply that one grocery shopping field trip effected me until today. I still feel how I felt, sitting on that little bus thinking I had more education than the RN leading the group.

Thanks for 'listening'. I sure have a boatload of junk to work through in addition to the drug damage. If anyone cares to share similar experiences or how you're dealing with them, I would very much appreciate.

 

Note: this was after several attempts to fit in at different churches, Bible studies, volunteering. After the last hospitalization in 2008, I improved on my own after a few harrowing years and interviewed for a few jobs. Got to final 2 candidates, then lost or they didnt hire (height of recession)

 

Dear Barbara,

 

I can relate to the trauma of hospitalization and the overall horrific state of mental "help" in the US. Third world countries have better outcomes specifically in the treatment of SZ by avoiding the use of atypical antipsychotics which lead to the development of the "chronicity" of this disorder. Depression used to be pretty much a self-limiting illness with a mean duration of 8-12 months, resolving on its own. Since SSRI's/SNRI's were introduced this is no longer the case. Persons treated with these drugs get worse, "diagnosed" with treatment-resistant depression and/or bipolar disorder. Society does not take kindly to "mental illness" and we have been enculturated to the promise of the quick fix with the magical bullet.

 

I was an above-average functioning citizen, a professional, husband and children, a homeowner back in 2000 when I was given a sample of Effexor from my GP for a very average situational stressor that ironed itself out in 2 months. Not an isolated event, the Effexor caused immediate nocturnal panic attacks and Klonopin was then prescribed by the same GP. "A child's dose" (haha). I was never told that long term benzodiazepine use (longer than 2-4 weeks) causes the GABA receptors to "down regulate" (these important receptors actually recede back into the neuronal sheath).

 

I tried getting off of Effexor and Klonopin during the first year of use and got deathly ill. Continuing to take the drugs allowed me to function well until 2007.

 

Long story short. . .

 

This average citizen with no previous history of "mental illness" has been hospitalized 11 times since 2009 - ALL FOR ADVERSE EFFECTS OF POLYPHARMACY. I was given legal amphetamines (Adderrall) as an "off-label" prescription for the fatigue, apathy, depression caused by the long term use of Klonopin and Effexor after the diagnosis of Bipolar disorder. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?? My own pdoc watched me transform from an average, middle-aged woman to that of a severely underweight "wanna be" twenty-something year old. All the indicators of a drug reaction (hypomania) were in front of him - I saw him every 3 weeks. I only took the prescribed dose and I felt "great", but I was deteriorating behaviorally and more drugs were added on top of the Adderral. Each new drug bought me a hospital stay because of adverse reactions. I was on uppers, downers, and in betweeners. The lunacy of this prescribing practice ended in April, 2011 when in a moment of lucidity, I was able to see that the drugs were causing me to become seriously "mentally ill".

 

One of the doctors who posts on this site wrote a letter to my doctor with a subtle hint that perhaps my "cocktail" could be altered in some fashion - perhaps I was "sensitive" to amphetamines, perhaps I was also too sedated and the Seroquel could be lowered. My pdoc received this letter during my hospitalization in April 2011 and abruptly discontinued Lithium, Adderral, Seroquel, Lunesta, cut the Pristiq from 100 mg. to 50 mg (essentially a cold turkey), and cut the Klonopin from 2 mg to 1 mg. (call this a rapid taper). I walked out of the hospital feeling great for 5 days until the Pristiq withdrawal reared its ugly head and I suffered tremendously for 3 months. I went to another hospital for stabilization and came home stable on Lexapro and 0.5 mg. of Klonopin.

 

I remained out of the hospital for an entire year and felt so much better that I decided it was time to taper off the remaining 0.5 mg of Klonopin. I had plans to go back to school to get my masters degree. I was socializing again. Unfortunately, I made the choice to taper off the Klonopin. My intentions were good, but the unknown reality is that I had unknown neurological damage. Coming off the Klonopin unmasked my tardive akathisia and tardive dyskinesia - all caused by long term exposure to one or more of the drugs I had taken for years. This bought me 3 more hospitalizations and not one of the pdocs I saw ever identified or acknowledged the TA/TD. I am now stable once I reinstated to 2 mg of Klonopin (roughly equivalent to 40 mg of Valium). I hate the Klonopin. I feel fatigued, sedated, and sad that I am still on a horrifically toxic drug. But, at least I can function.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

But I digress. The issue here is how horrible it is to be trapped in the vicious cycle of being a "mental patient". IMO, being hospitalized does nothing to empower a person to become well. Outpatient programs are filled with low-functioning, disabled persons who have lost their "voice" and have bought into the concept that they are chronically ill. Meds made me ill, I am stuck on Klonopin for an indeterminable period of time to tame the TA/TD, but I will do everything in my power to break out of the "system". I will do everything possible (exercise, healthy foods, socializing) to keep myself out of the "system". The worst thing of hospitalization is the loss of one's dignity and dealing with staff who have absolutely no idea that the drugs they are dispensing are just adding fuel to the fire. I want my life back and I intend to get it. As Tom Petty says, "I won't back down".

[Barbarannamated]

Anniej,

Your story is extremely powerful. You sound very strong and determined. Thank you for sharing.

The revolving door syndrome is all too common. I've managed to avoid it, but I know of many who haven't and the system reinforces recidivism by becoming the person's "support system". The outpatient programs become gathering places for those who were in the hospital together. I watched it - the familiarity and 'reminiscing' among a group of previously functional citizens, derailed by a life incident of some sort and swept into psychiatryland. Ties with previous life - job, friends - are often severed and replaced by co-patients. It's self-perpetuating because, as you say, people are never empowered or assisted in reintegrating into their previous life or a new functional life. Though I never got on that merrygoround, I was put on disability over a decade ago and find myself struggling to reestablish meaning and purpose. I have no real life support system, so it's tough. I have to imagine "what may be someday" and live for that. I am amazed at the number of people on permanent disablity who seem content to watch TV day after day for the rest of their lives. That is mindboggling to me.

I try to hold onto the anger as it is a motivator.

[annej]

Anniej,

Your story is extremely powerful. You sound very strong and determined. Thank you for sharing.

The revolving door syndrome is all too common. I've managed to avoid it, but I know of many who haven't and the system reinforces recidivism by becoming the person's "support system". The outpatient programs become gathering places for those who were in the hospital together. I watched it - the familiarity and 'reminiscing' among a group of previously functional citizens, derailed by a life incident of some sort and swept into psychiatryland. Ties with previous life - job, friends - are often severed and replaced by co-patients. It's self-perpetuating because, as you say, people are never empowered or assisted in reintegrating into their previous life or a new functional life. Though I never got on that merrygoround, I was put on disability over a decade ago and find myself struggling to reestablish meaning and purpose. I have no real life support system, so it's tough. I have to imagine "what may be someday" and live for that. I am amazed at the number of people on permanent disablity who seem content to watch TV day after day for the rest of their lives. That is mindboggling to me.

I try to hold onto the anger as it is a motivator.

 

Barb,

 

You hit hit the nail on the head on so many different levels - the recidivism, the hospital/outpatient setting becoming the new "support system". That you managed to escape the merry-go-round is a testament to the power of your internal resources. Endorse yourself! I don't know many who are actually "content" to sit and watch TV all day without any real support system. I believe that it is innately part of us to have purpose.

 

I have decided to stop living for "what may be someday". Today "someday" is today. That's all I or anyone really has. I strongly urge you to check out a peer-led, self-help group called "Recovery International" founded in 1937 by Abraham Low, M.D. He was the original founder of what we now know to be CBT. He was a psychiatrist who believed that people could change their self-defeating thoughts and therefore their resulting behaviors and actions by a process of learning how to cope with one's inner and outer environments. To learn how to deal with the reality of any given situation whether it be chronic illness or other. It's such a simple, yet complicated program. It takes willingness to attend meetings and to practice, practice, practice.

 

This program is helping me deal in new and better ways (slowly) to the "trivialities" (frustrations of all kinds- at this time my neurological damage and anger over all of this) of life. If you are so inclined and at all interested, please feel free to PM me. It is helping me to deal in effective and meaningful ways with how I perceive my situation, my disabilities. I am on an active, daily search to participate fully in finding purpose. Purpose will most certainly not find me. Hugs, Annej

[Barbarannamated]

Anniej,

Thanks again for your insight and encouragement. It is sincerely appreciated.

 

I've been stumping therapists for years. I've mentioned this in othercthreads and dont mean to be redundant. For me, CBT worked against me (several attempts w different therapist) as it didn't get to longstanding issues stemming from my upbringing. Memories from childhood/adolescence/young adulthood are surfacing with new clarity as the 18 serotonin haze is wearing off. I always told therapists that I had an unremarkable, average to good upbringing and by all outward appearances, it was. It was a cognitive dissonance that was with me through life and only recently have I realized that all was NOT ok behind closed doors. I'm not speaking of repressed memories of childhood abuse, but regularly scheduled "micro-insults" that added up over the years and I rationalized away. CBT doesn't delve into how they were formed throughout life. PERHAPS SOME DO and I, in no way, eant to dismiss CBT as "all bad". I can only speak to my own experience. The awareness that has arisen in the last year has been extremely painful, but necessary to understand the root of my stuck patterns. I see that I came to expect/feel deserving of very little early on in life. My only sister is a drug addict, her way of coping with the upbringing. I believe that all of the drugs over 2 decades served to further mask and repress the true source of the pain and maladaptive patterns. The most recent CBT therapist said to me after my 50 minute consult "to say 'it will be a work of art to put your life back together' is an understatement. I'd like to use CBT to help you recognize when you may be thinking irrationally or catastrophizing." This just hit me last nite: his appraisal was quite extreme, then he proceeded to tell ME that my thought patterns were irrational! My pdoc of 15 years (there were many, he was the constant) at one of my last appointments with him said "wow. You really ARE alone." He spent alot of time with me over the years (hour long appointments, not the usual med check) and does psychoanalysis and hypnosis (ie. Old school), but is very drug-oriented. I had many many losses over the drugged years that were never addressed or grieved. I'm trying to not continue to push that away, which the drugs helped me do and CBT never addressed. CBT may be appropriate in some cases and it *seems* that it may address anxiety moreso than childhood 'trauma'. I am not equating my cumulative micro-traumas to the horror of physical child abuse. However, I believe it is important to recognize the origination of thought patterns first and then reestablish healthier ones. In my experience, CBT recognizes catastrophizing, etc, but not the underlying process.

Schuyler posted a good comparison of different types of therapy.

Again, I do not mean to dismiss the benefit others have had with CBT. It just hasn't been helpful for me.

 

 

PSYCHODYNAMIC v. CBT http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2042-cbt-vs-psychodynamic-pros-and-cons/page__fromsearch__1

Most importantly, I believe that a good therapist and relationship are the key, regardless of modality.

Just an example of family 'funktion': father offered male friend $$ to take me away from my husband. I'm not from any heritage that involves arranged marriages. I've earned 6 figures in the past and had been very indelendent until sidelined by disability. Father does not recognize women as being able to be independent and has incapacitated sister by completely supporting her and drug habit. It's a very sick family that I only realized recently. This is the first ive told anyone this part. It is incredibly humiliating. My father doesnt even know the man well. Too bizarre for words.

 

Neither my sister or I have kids. Darwin was onto something.

[annej]

Anniej,

Thanks again for your insight and encouragement. It is sincerely appreciated.

 

I've been stumping therapists for years. I've mentioned this in othercthreads and dont mean to be redundant. For me, CBT worked against me (several attempts w different therapist) as it didn't get to longstanding issues stemming from my upbringing. Memories from childhood/adolescence/young adulthood are surfacing with new clarity as the 18 serotonin haze is wearing off. I always told therapists that I had an unremarkable, average to good upbringing and by all outward appearances, it was. It was a cognitive dissonance that was with me through life and only recently have I realized that all was NOT ok behind closed doors. I'm not speaking of repressed memories of childhood abuse, but regularly scheduled "micro-insults" that added up over the years and I rationalized away. CBT doesn't delve into how they were formed throughout life. PERHAPS SOME DO and I, in no way, eant to dismiss CBT as "all bad". I can only speak to my own experience. The awareness that has arisen in the last year has been extremely painful, but necessary to understand the root of my stuck patterns. I see that I came to expect/feel deserving of very little early on in life. My only sister is a drug addict, her way of coping with the upbringing. I believe that all of the drugs over 2 decades served to further mask and repress the true source of the pain and maladaptive patterns. The most recent CBT therapist said to me after my 50 minute consult "to say 'it will be a work of art to put your life back together' is an understatement. I'd like to use CBT to help you recognize when you may be thinking irrationally or catastrophizing." This just hit me last nite: his appraisal was quite extreme, then he proceeded to tell ME that my thought patterns were irrational! My pdoc of 15 years (there were many, he was the constant) at one of my last appointments with him said "wow. You really ARE alone." He spent alot of time with me over the years (hour long appointments, not the usual med check) and does psychoanalysis and hypnosis (ie. Old school), but is very drug-oriented. I had many many losses over the drugged years that were never addressed or grieved. I'm trying to not continue to push that away, which the drugs helped me do and CBT never addressed. CBT may be appropriate in some cases and it *seems* that it may address anxiety moreso than childhood 'trauma'. I am not equating my cumulative micro-traumas to the horror of physical child abuse. However, I believe it is important to recognize the origination of thought patterns first and then reestablish healthier ones. In my experience, CBT recognizes catastrophizing, etc, but not the underlying process.

Schuyler posted a good comparison of different types of therapy.

Again, I do not mean to dismiss the benefit others have had with CBT. It just hasn't been helpful for me.

 

 

PSYCHODYNAMIC v. CBT http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2042-cbt-vs-psychodynamic-pros-and-cons/page__fromsearch__1

Most importantly, I believe that a good therapist and relationship are the key, regardless of modality.

Just an example of family 'funktion': father offered male friend $$ to take me away from my husband. I'm not from any heritage that involves arranged marriages. I've earned 6 figures in the past and had been very indelendent until sidelined by disability. Father does not recognize women as being able to be independent and has incapacitated sister by completely supporting her and drug habit. It's a very sick family that I only realized recently. This is the first ive told anyone this part. It is incredibly humiliating. My father doesnt even know the man well. Too bizarre for words.

 

Neither my sister or I have kids. Darwin was onto something.

 

I hear what you are saying. I think of old stuff as old stuff. The more I talk or think about it, the more I get myself worked up. Empathic listening only goes so far with me. The more I talk about a pain, the angrier or more frozen I get. RI helps me recognize when I am working myself up and stop the knee-jerk reactions (patterns). I offer it as a suggestion of anything that might help alleviate your (my) suffering. It is not a panacea, but has helped many people with severe to moderate emotional distress. The cause does not become the focus, "spotting" the problem (usually thought related) becomes second nature with practice. It may or may not be for you. I have given it 7 tries already and am noticing that I am spotting when I am getting myself worked up and applying easy tools to do many things that would have been impossible a few short weeks ago. I am not an expert, merely a novice, but nevertheless a sufferer who wants out of suffering. I hope that you would consider giving it the benefit of 6 meetings and then make a decision. It's NOT the CBT you envision. Who knows? It might be helpful, it might not. Many hugs, Annej