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I never thought about retirement and now it is here. I hardly have any customers anymore and my days are empty. I was on those drugs for 8 years. Didn't realize I wasn't replacing customers I had lost. What I am going to end up being like is anyone's guess. It will be changing year by year but it for sure won't be going back to anything 'normal'. How does one plan for that? The best I can hope for is living out my life till it ends naturally. The worst? Well, we all know what that means.

 

 

I'm pushing 69, and looking back over my life, there wasn't much of anything that worked out according to my plans--not a career, nor marriages, nor retirement, nor much of anything major that I can remember.  I've finally concluded that my life is largely directed by God and my area of "free will" is very limited indeed.

 

Retirement certainly didn't work out the way I planned it.  I was all braced for a huge downturn in the economy and had even begun gardening, learning herbal medicines, and other survival skills. While I still think the current global economy is doomed, the change isn't happening nearly as fast as I expected and I'll probably see only the beginning of the downturn in my lifetime.  (Maybe.) While I'm thankful for that, it has left me with a lack of purpose and a whole lot of weeding and pruning I'd rather not do.

 

Spending nearly three years in antidepressant withdrawal was certainly a big surprise, as was losing partial use of my arms from Lipitor.  Now I simply can't do some of the things I had planned to do (like wallpapering) and so far, the interest I used to have in cooking, sewing, needlework, decorating and painting have failed to revive.  I'm beginning to wonder if I really still suffer from anhedonia or if I've undergone a radical personality change that's left some of those interests behind. Things certainly are different than I ever expected.

 

The one thing I do expect and predict is that I'll look back on my life a year from now and see more surprises added to the list.

Psychotropic drug history: Pristiq 50 mg. (mid-September 2010 through February 2011), Remeron (mid-September 2010 through January 2011), Lexapro 10 mg. (mid-February 2011 through mid-December 2011), Lorazepam (Ativan) 1 mg. as needed mid-September 2010 through early March 2012

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." -Hanlon's Razor


Introduction: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1588-introducing-jemima/

 

Success Story: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/6263-success-jemima-survives-lexapro-and-dr-dickhead-too/

Please note that I am not a medical professional and my advice is based on personal experience, reading, and anecdotal information posted by other sufferers.

 

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I have an incredible wish to die right now because I cannot see any other way for this pain to go away. I try every day but I am unable to sustain any hope for the future. Been reading about meetup groups in my area and toying with online dating but I know I won't do either one of those. I need to get out and I can't. My mom is still alive and I won't do anything to harm myself but will I be able to stay alive when she is gone? I don't have any strength inside myself anymore, this blackness has gone on for far too long. 

 

Jemima, I read your post again before I started mine and it sounds like my life. You haven't posted anything for some time and I imagine that you are off having a good time and a useful life even after writing what you did. I just sit here day after day, stopped dead in my tracks by my awful thoughts.

 

I want the pain to stop and I know it won't no matter what I do. I am just not strong enough to keep trying day after day. And I hate the fact that I have to.

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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  • Moderator Emeritus

Hi CW, it makes me sad that you, or anyone here, wants to die but I understand completely why you

feel that way.  You are stronger than you think you know, look back to when this started, it's been a

while and you are still here. If it is going to take 2 years you are half way there. If you die tomorrow 

you might have been feeling better the day after!  

 

I do know the feeling though, it is so very lonely, day in day out and not being with or wanting to be

with people. The pain and blackness is all enveloping.

It is very cruel what happened to us all, so badly affected by the very thing that was supposed to help us. 

It will get better, I'm certain it will and when I am in a wave I have to tell myself that over and over again. 

 

Stay on that board, I am going to keep fast hold of your hand so you can't fall off! 

**I am not a medical professional, if in doubt please consult a doctor with withdrawal knowledge.

 

 

Different drugs occasionally (mostly benzos) 1976 - 1981 (no problem)

1993 - 2002 in and out of hospital. every type of drug + ECT. Staring with seroxat

2002  effexor. 

Tapered  March 2012 to March 2013, ending with 5 beads.

Withdrawal April 2013 . Reinstated 5 beads reduced to 4 beads May 2013

Restarted taper  Nov 2013  

OFF EFFEXOR Feb 2015    :D 

Tapered atenolol and omeprazole Dec 2013 - May 2014

 

Tapering tramadol, Feb 2015 100mg , March 2015 50mg  

 July 2017 30mg.  May 15 2018 25mg

Taking fish oil, magnesium, B12, folic acid, bilberry eyebright for eye pressure. 

 

My story http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4199-hello-mammap-checking-in/page-33

 

Lesson learned, slow down taper at lower doses. Taper no more than 10% of CURRENT dose if possible

 

 

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I have an incredible wish to die right now because I cannot see any other way for this pain to go away. I try every day but I am unable to sustain any hope for the future. Been reading about meetup groups in my area and toying with online dating but I know I won't do either one of those. I need to get out and I can't. My mom is still alive and I won't do anything to harm myself but will I be able to stay alive when she is gone? I don't have any strength inside myself anymore, this blackness has gone on for far too long. 

 

Jemima, I read your post again before I started mine and it sounds like my life. You haven't posted anything for some time and I imagine that you are off having a good time and a useful life even after writing what you did. I just sit here day after day, stopped dead in my tracks by my awful thoughts.

 

I want the pain to stop and I know it won't no matter what I do. I am just not strong enough to keep trying day after day. And I hate the fact that I have to.

I know where you are and it will not last forever.  Your likely sick of hearing me say that but I can't think of anything else that is true and I just can't lie to you.  

I am glad Mamma came and said what she did as I have no words just now.  I hope they help you.  I am still around and on your side cheering you on.  Sometimes when things are rough it is just holding on even when we hate it.  I wish you peace. I am saying a prayer for you. 

WARNING THIS WILL BE LONG
Had a car accident in 85
Codeine was the pain med when I was release from hosp continuous use till 89
Given PROZAC by a specialist to help with nerve pain in my leg 89-90 not sure which year
Was not told a thing about it being a psych med thought it was a pain killer no info about psych side effects I went nuts had hallucinations. As I had a head injury and was diagnosed with a concussion in 85 I was sent to a head injury clinic in 1990 five years after the accident. I don't think they knew I had been on prozac I did not think it a big deal and never did finish the bottle of pills. I had tests of course lots of them. Was put into a pain clinic and given amitriptyline which stopped the withdrawal but had many side effects. But I could sleep something I had not done in a very long time the pain lessened. My mother got cancer in 94 they switched my meds to Zoloft to help deal with this pressure as I was her main care giver she died in 96. I stopped zoloft in 96 had withdrawal was put on paxil went nutty quit it ct put on resperidol quit it ct had withdrawal was put on Effexor... 2years later celexa was added 20mg then increased to 40mg huge personality change went wild. Did too fast taper off Celexa 05 as I felt unwell for a long time prior... quit Effexor 150mg ct 07 found ****** 8 months into withdrawal learned some things was banned from there in 08 have kept learning since. there is really not enough room here to put my history but I have a lot of opinions about a lot of things especially any of the drugs mentioned above.
One thing I would like to add here is this tidbit ALL OPIATES INCREASE SEROTONIN it is not a huge jump to being in chronic pain to being put on an ssri/snri and opiates will affect your antidepressants and your thinking.

As I do not update much I will put my quit date Nov. 17 2007 I quit Effexor cold turkey. 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1096-introducing-myself-btdt/

There is a crack in everything ..That's how the light gets in :)

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  • Moderator Emeritus

There are a few things you wrote which resonated with me, because I've experienced them, so I'll share my thoughts in the hope that it gives you a different perceptive to consider.
 
 

I need to get out and I can't.

 
I was desperately saying this to myself for about 18 months.  A good percentage of the problem was other people telling me this and things I was reading and seeing about depression and anxiety etc.  Then I really looked at it and saw that it wasn't true.  I didn't need to get out any more than I already was.  My life suddenly didn't look anything like it used to, and nothing like that of most other people, but once I stopped panicking, I realized that for now, what I was doing, or rather not doing, was actually working for me in a very different kind of way, there seemed to be changes going on at a deeper level which required me to keep very still in my life.  Its frightening, painful and very uncomfortable, but needs are being taken care of.
 
 

I have an incredible wish to die right now because I cannot see any other way for this pain to go away.

 
This is one of the most cruel aspects of this withdrawal experience I think.  We are trapped in the present moment, filled with nothing but suffering and unable to see past it.  If the moment we were trapped in was a pleasant one, ironically, that would basically be the opposite of what we have got here, it would be eternal bliss.
 
Not being able to see past something, is just that, an inability to see something beyond what you are looking at now.  Its like being taken back to the earlier stage of development where our brain can't yet hold onto concepts of things which are not evident right now.  But this is withdrawal, its a process of recovery and the pain will pass in time, whether we see it or believe it or not, its just a matter of hanging on and letting time pass.
 

I want the pain to stop and I know it won't no matter what I do. I am just not strong enough to keep trying day after day. And I hate the fact that I have to.

 
This is a very frighting thought, when I let myself dwell on things like this, it brings me close to panic too.  I used to rely on the knowledge of my little bottles and packets of pills to keep me safe from thoughts like this.  But now I'm learning how to use my own mind to keep me calmer.  Its a pity our minds don't come with operating manuals.  Unfortunately, withdrawal seems to make our minds even more difficult to control, they basically have minds of their own.
 
When this arises for me, I find that the faster I accept it in the moment and stop fighting with it, the quicker it subsides.  This seems to be the time for intense mindfulness and focusing on the moment, or distraction, letting tomorrow take care of itself.
 
 

I don't have any strength inside myself anymore, this blackness has gone on for far too long.

When my major crash into withdrawal happened at the end of 2011, I didn't know what was happening, I had various ideas, strangely, none of them were drug withdrawal.  After about a month I realized that whatever this was, it wasn't going to go away as fast as I had hoped, I was terrified and confused but I remember thinking that I could probably handle about 6 months.  I consoled myself with the belief that whatever this was, couldn't last longer than 6 months, and that it would be hard, but I could survive that long if it meant that I would get back to 'normal' after that.

 

That was over 2 years ago..... we are all stronger than we think we are.  Maybe its true that this goes on for too long, but things tend to take as long as they take to do what they need to do.  I've been learning the excruciatingly difficult lesson  of letting go and accepting that I have very little control over much of my life, especially my experience of life.  Trying to control my experience of life with pills is what got me into this mess I'm in now.  On my better days I look at what I'm going through now as the gift of a crash course in 'dealing with the darker side of life the natural way'.  When I finally graduate (recover), I should be much better equipped for the rest of my life.

 

 

Been reading about meetup groups in my area and toying with online dating but I know I won't do either one of those.

 

Me too.  The last time I checked out meetup groups was about 2 months ago.  The previous time, it just left me feeling completely hopeless and negative, this time, I actually found a couple which seemed interesting, but I quickly realized I wouldn't be going any time soon, but I was able to imagine myself going at some point in the future when I felt better, which was an obvious improvement from last time I looked.

 

Online dating is another thing which crosses my mind sometimes too.  This whole subject of relationships and my feelings about it is something I use to monitor my recovery progress.  My thoughts and feelings about dating and relationships has been changing along with my recovery, I can see that I'm slowly developing an emotionally healthier attitude.

 

I'm also not going to go to any meetup groups or start dating any time soon, but I'm not going to rule out the possibility that when more recovery/healing has taken place, I will be a different person.  One who will go to an interesting meetup group and be open to dating and a possible relationship.

 

CW, you're not going to be feeling this way for ever, I don't know how long it will take, but this darkness will start to lift.  Its true that there's not much we can do to speed up recovery, but remembering that its a temporary process is so important, its what keeps us alive.

 

Yes, we are in pain, we are suffering, but its pain with a purpose, its our body's way of letting us know that deep healing is taking place and we need to have respect for that.

 

I also disagree with that woman who told you that you shouldn't be around people. I admire your honest approach, saying what you think and feel.  Its obvious to me that it comes from a place of caring and concern.

 

Stay with us, and please keep posting.

 

 

I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one.

My Introduction Thread

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes

Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine

Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered

Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days.

April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close.

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 

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I'm sorry you are suffering so deeply...I really am. The darkness is torturous and I know how it feels not being able to escape - no matter how hard we try. Just know you are not alone - you will see some light I'm sure....we have to.

 

Thinking of you.

2008 - Doctors appointment with stress induced anxiety led to Citalopram prescription.

Severe adverse reaction

Mirtazapine prescribed - adverse reaction but told to stay on.

Poop out - December 2013

15mg

Currently on 13.5mg,

April 12mg

May 10th - 11mg

June 10th - 10mg

July 8th - 9mg

September - 0mg

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Muddles,

 

It means a lot that you posted on my thread. We are both suffering, and a great deal at that. I read your posts, so I know. I have a huge amount of shame about my past (no I did not kill anyone) that wd seems to have dredged up and likes to smack me with every day, all day. I can go for some periods of time trying to distract myself on the computer but some days it breaks through and causes me great anguish and crying. Yesterday was one of those days. I precipitated an angry discussion with my walking friend and one with my mom and whenever that happens, I want to just be dead and have it over with because neither of them deserve it.

 

No sense wondering why wd is filled with this for some of us just as it is wondering why some of us 'hear our subconscious' (my guess all of us do or else why the self torture?). But we're a bit different in our manifestation of despair: I don't post about it a lot and you do. No bad or good, just different ways of handling it I guess. I don't believe for a minute that things will ever turn out well for me but I believe they will for everyone else. And god help me if people ever stop trying to reassure me, I will lose all hope then. I keep questioning this behavior every day: this compulsion to shout out my pain, to tell everyone I can't take it anymore, that I don't have the strength. I can't get you or anyone else I know to agree with me but I do it any way. I know you will recover, I just can't tell you so everytime I read your posts. But feedback is crucial I know. I want to let you know I heard you and for the short time after I read such a post, I am a little less down. I had 4 such posts yesterday and it got me through that rough patch. Thank you. all. It is just that time passes ever so slowly in the present, especially when your waking hours are filled with the agony of wd in whatever form it is taking. I am not as bad off as I was but this is a different he11. And some days reading the pain and agony here makes it worse for me. I am finding it hard to keep up.

 

MammaP, btdt and Petu, thank you too. I want to write separate answers to you but I have to stop now as I am crying again. My head hurts so badly from last night's crying jag.

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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I am crying for you - for us. I wish I could hug you in person...a human who knows just exactly how painful this all is. I'm sure it would ease this pain for a while. You are not alone...I am here with you.

2008 - Doctors appointment with stress induced anxiety led to Citalopram prescription.

Severe adverse reaction

Mirtazapine prescribed - adverse reaction but told to stay on.

Poop out - December 2013

15mg

Currently on 13.5mg,

April 12mg

May 10th - 11mg

June 10th - 10mg

July 8th - 9mg

September - 0mg

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CW,

 

I'm in the same black hole, you just can't see me or me you because it's so dark and lonely. I'm sorry I don't have more encouragement. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

 

{{HUGS}}

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

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Muddles,

 

It means a lot that you posted on my thread. We are both suffering, and a great deal at that. I read your posts, so I know. I have a huge amount of shame about my past (no I did not kill anyone) that wd seems to have dredged up and likes to smack me with every day, all day. I can go for some periods of time trying to distract myself on the computer but some days it breaks through and causes me great anguish and crying. Yesterday was one of those days. I precipitated an angry discussion with my walking friend and one with my mom and whenever that happens, I want to just be dead and have it over with because neither of them deserve it.

 

No sense wondering why wd is filled with this for some of us just as it is wondering why some of us 'hear our subconscious' (my guess all of us do or else why the self torture?). But we're a bit different in our manifestation of despair: I don't post about it a lot and you do. No bad or good, just different ways of handling it I guess. I don't believe for a minute that things will ever turn out well for me but I believe they will for everyone else. And god help me if people ever stop trying to reassure me, I will lose all hope then. I keep questioning this behavior every day: this compulsion to shout out my pain, to tell everyone I can't take it anymore, that I don't have the strength. I can't get you or anyone else I know to agree with me but I do it any way. I know you will recover, I just can't tell you so everytime I read your posts. But feedback is crucial I know. I want to let you know I heard you and for the short time after I read such a post, I am a little less down. I had 4 such posts yesterday and it got me through that rough patch. Thank you. all. It is just that time passes ever so slowly in the present, especially when your waking hours are filled with the agony of wd in whatever form it is taking. I am not as bad off as I was but this is a different he11. And some days reading the pain and agony here makes it worse for me. I am finding it hard to keep up.

 

MammaP, btdt and Petu, thank you too. I want to write separate answers to you but I have to stop now as I am crying again. My head hurts so badly from last night's crying jag.

Cruel affects of withdrawal

A)  huge amount of shame about my past

B) dredged up and likes to smack me with every day, all day

C) breaks through and causes me great anguish and crying

D) precipitated an angry discussion 

E)  I want to just be dead

go back to A as now you have something else to feel back about... 

F) 'hear our subconscious'

 

F was a biggy for me so much so I would say it out loud and when I started to get better and had a wave I would know for sure as I would start talking to myself again ... then I would say hey your getting a wave or things are too much for you just now time to take time out and check that old took box cause it is back... I want to tell you this rarely happens anymore if I take care of myself.   It will come on at real stressful times like a loved ones funeral but we expect it then.  

In time it will let up all these things are so very typical of withdrawal... it is a b****!

 

" why the self torture?"

Good questions isn't it?  I thought about this long and hard as I had plenty of things I had done while drugged to feel very bad about...it was a lot of **** some was very big... death of my best friend why did I not do more to save him... lots of big ones. It could have wrecked me and I call it flooding when it hits and will not stop... keeps going and going... this can be stopped but it takes some work... practice controling it so you can let out a bit at time if you need to go there.  Seemingly I did.  Say nope I am not going to think about it as you know it is going to hurt you and your life... from the power of now... wait for the next thought watch for it... when you watching and waiting on it oddly enough none appear if one does stop and start over.  This really helped me. 

 

I think some of it can't be avoided it is just withdrawal and has to go thru the steps the anger too is still part of it.  Taking any control you can get over it will help and it will be hit and miss in the beginning I still can have times where I can't pull it off and have to work my ass of to get anywhere, but it is worth it. I own my brain it does not own me I keep saying that... even if I can't always do it.. I am working for it. 

 

G) this compulsion to shout out my pain

 

if my old posts were not deleted from pp I could show you ... how I was a much bigger pain in the ass to people there than you have even began to be on here :) and I know it now but did not quite get it then.. I swear I had OCD when I was in withdrawal that is how often I posted and often several times a day

again normal

I think in part that this is such an odd out of normal experience that we need to howl like wolves that we are hoping our pack hears us but also that if we do not howl ... we may blow up... something like that. 

 

I don't know if this was any help at all but as I was reading your post I thought to myself just how classic everything your going through is... I know it feels ungodly and inhuman and is not suppose to be part of the human experience ... yet here we are all verifying how very real this abnormal experience is for us normal people experiencing it.  

 

I think it needed to be said hope it was not too much of a drag to read and also hope this is a better day.  peace 

WARNING THIS WILL BE LONG
Had a car accident in 85
Codeine was the pain med when I was release from hosp continuous use till 89
Given PROZAC by a specialist to help with nerve pain in my leg 89-90 not sure which year
Was not told a thing about it being a psych med thought it was a pain killer no info about psych side effects I went nuts had hallucinations. As I had a head injury and was diagnosed with a concussion in 85 I was sent to a head injury clinic in 1990 five years after the accident. I don't think they knew I had been on prozac I did not think it a big deal and never did finish the bottle of pills. I had tests of course lots of them. Was put into a pain clinic and given amitriptyline which stopped the withdrawal but had many side effects. But I could sleep something I had not done in a very long time the pain lessened. My mother got cancer in 94 they switched my meds to Zoloft to help deal with this pressure as I was her main care giver she died in 96. I stopped zoloft in 96 had withdrawal was put on paxil went nutty quit it ct put on resperidol quit it ct had withdrawal was put on Effexor... 2years later celexa was added 20mg then increased to 40mg huge personality change went wild. Did too fast taper off Celexa 05 as I felt unwell for a long time prior... quit Effexor 150mg ct 07 found ****** 8 months into withdrawal learned some things was banned from there in 08 have kept learning since. there is really not enough room here to put my history but I have a lot of opinions about a lot of things especially any of the drugs mentioned above.
One thing I would like to add here is this tidbit ALL OPIATES INCREASE SEROTONIN it is not a huge jump to being in chronic pain to being put on an ssri/snri and opiates will affect your antidepressants and your thinking.

As I do not update much I will put my quit date Nov. 17 2007 I quit Effexor cold turkey. 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1096-introducing-myself-btdt/

There is a crack in everything ..That's how the light gets in :)

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I'm sorry. I've nothing to offer but a mm hug and prayers. I do hope that light finds you. 

Current:

Lorazapam2mg: 4/9/152mg - 1.5mg: already sick/nothing noticed. No changes in sleep noted after illness.  

Lamictal: 7/27/13 - 8/6/13: 400mg - 500mg(dr order) mouth sores, headache, cognitive/balance, heart palp...8/7/13 - 8/23/13: 500mg - 400mg; symptoms↓...10/10/13: 350mg; fever/flu-like <2-weeks...12/30/13: 325mg; fever/flu-like symptoms <1-week...2/10/17: 300mg; no significant changes noted. 

 

Discontinued:

Omeprazole: 09/2103 40mg...5/1/14: 20mg... 8/21/14 = 0

Wellbutrin: 11/22/13: 300mg – 225mg...12/6/13 delayed reaction- mood swings, weight↓, heart palp/chest pain, alerting...12/14/13: 187mg; physical symptoms↓, neuro emotions ↑, weight stable...12/20/13: 225mg; physical symptoms return, emotions stable <1-week, weight↓...4/21/14: 187mg; weight↑...5/17/14 (neurologist ordered discontinue asap):168mg; headache, mood swings, ↑weight, sleep flux...5/24/14: 150mg; headache, mood swings, ↓cognitive/balance...6/2/14: 112mg; see above, weight stable, <3-weeks... 6/28/14: 100mg; moody...7/25/14: 87.5mg; family troubles... 8/4/14: 75mg; headaches; moody... 8/9/1450mg headaches... 8/12/14: 37.5mg; 8/17/14: 25mg...8/26/14 = 0

Hydroxyzine; 10mg: 5/20/15 *prn 4/5 times then dc'd. Mood changes/rage 

Buspirone: 7.5mg: 5/20/15 *prn 4/5 times then dc'd. No changes.

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  • Moderator Emeritus

CW-

 

I wish I had healing words that would halt your struggle. Our minds can be so cruel to us. I hope by the time you're reading this your mind and thoughts are being kinder.

 

I also stopped by to thank you for your concern, visiting my thread and taking the time to write. I hope you read what I wrote to you there.

 

Sending you healing vibes.

1988-2012: Prozac @ 60mg (with a few stops and starts)

Fall 2012: Returned to 40mg after discontinuing and horrid withdrawal 

Fall 2013: 40mg Fluoxetine, added 150mg Wellbutrin to treat fatigue 

Winter 2014: Attempting to taper both (too fast)

April 2014: 9mg Fluoxetine + 37.5 Wellbutrin 

Summer 2014: 8 mg Fluoxetine + 0 Wellbutrin (way too fast a drop)

Late summer/Early Fall 2014: Debilitating Withdrawal symptoms 

Fall 2014 - Wellbutrin successfully kicked to the curb but…

Oct- Dec 2014: Panicked reinstatement of Fluoxetine ->30mg - held for 5yrs

Jan 2021: taper to 20mg Fluoxetine  then tapering by 1mg every 2-3 months

Fall 2022 - held at 10mg->December 2022: 9mg->Feb 2023: 8mg ->March 2023: brassmonkey slide begins: 7.8mg -> 7.6 -> 7.4->2 week hold (April)->7.2->7mg->6.8->2 week hold->6.6-> 1-month hold ->(June)-6.5->4-week hold-> (July)-6.4 (discontinued brassmonkey slide and slowed taper)-> (Aug)-6.2->(Sept)-6.0->(Oct)-5.9->(Nov)-5.8->(Dec)-5.7->wave!->(Jan)-5.8->(Feb)-6mg and holding.

 

My 2014 withdrawal experience: https://rxisk.org/antidepressant-withdrawal-a-prozac-story/

 

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My last update was Sept. 30th? Seems like such a long time and so much has happened. I am not ready to go into all of that just yet, I just came here to 'bare my soul' about loneliness, a feeling that has been very foreign to me till lately and now I have had 2 distinct bouts of it in less than a month.

 

I have recently had a crisis over (of all things!) a romantic interest. It never even got off the ground but I have gotten some help on resolving the very big issue that came up surrounding it. I'll talk about that another time, it is still all jumbled up in my mind.

 

Sometime during the summer I realized that when my mom dies I will truly be alone, no more family nearby. It started bothering me for the first time in my life. Up to now, never ever thought about or felt lonely, always ok with my own company and actually preferred it to being around people very much. Decided to do something about it ahead of time (before mom goes) by joining a dating site. (That is a whole 'nother story!) Today I am sitting here and realized Thanksgiving is THIS Thursday. Every year since I have lived in Florida all of the people from the trailer park my parents and I lived in got together every holiday, first with get togethers in the park and then at people's houses when everyone had to leave when they closed the park. That has been since 1994. I always participated but never wanted to stay at these places for a long time, always glad to get home and do my own thing. Felt uncomfortable listening to everyone talk and all were coupled up except me, except one or two and when someone's spouse had died..

 

Then dad died, and other people either died or stopped coming down to Florida in the winters for whatever reason. Some moved away. Last year, one of the people who had been having Thanksgiving at their house the past several years, her husband died after a freak fall where he hit his head and was comatose for a week. She just turned 90, like my mom. She is no longer hosting all of us. The other lady, the one who always set up these get togethers, is having dinner with her husband at their neighbors where they live. I had called her because I all of a sudden realized I had not heard from her about the holiday. I am talking to her, hearing about how the group has fallen apart and I am feeling a rising sense of PANIC inside, just an awful feeling. I could feel what is was going to be like when they are ALL gone, my mom included. Mind you, she is still sitting in the other room, peacefully watching TV but she could already be dead for all of the closeness we have between us.

 

All these drugged up years I never felt a thing. And now I feel TOO much. And not a darn thing I can do except feel the feelings and make plans for a different life to replace the one I had. For the first time in my life I am needing people and it is pretty scary. To actually want to be around them and listen to the stories of the old ladies talking cooking and children and what not. I always marveled at the kinds of things they found to discuss. I'd sit and listen. I took them for granted, got bored and wished it was time to go home. Now they're gone and I miss them. I never found a group of my own to replace them. Looks like I've got to start doing something about that. Somehow I have gotten old and I never noticed it. Pretty heavy stuff, old age and loneliness.

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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Growing back into our emotions is a hard thing. I'm sorry that you are struggling. I hope that you know you are not alone. 

Current:

Lorazapam2mg: 4/9/152mg - 1.5mg: already sick/nothing noticed. No changes in sleep noted after illness.  

Lamictal: 7/27/13 - 8/6/13: 400mg - 500mg(dr order) mouth sores, headache, cognitive/balance, heart palp...8/7/13 - 8/23/13: 500mg - 400mg; symptoms↓...10/10/13: 350mg; fever/flu-like <2-weeks...12/30/13: 325mg; fever/flu-like symptoms <1-week...2/10/17: 300mg; no significant changes noted. 

 

Discontinued:

Omeprazole: 09/2103 40mg...5/1/14: 20mg... 8/21/14 = 0

Wellbutrin: 11/22/13: 300mg – 225mg...12/6/13 delayed reaction- mood swings, weight↓, heart palp/chest pain, alerting...12/14/13: 187mg; physical symptoms↓, neuro emotions ↑, weight stable...12/20/13: 225mg; physical symptoms return, emotions stable <1-week, weight↓...4/21/14: 187mg; weight↑...5/17/14 (neurologist ordered discontinue asap):168mg; headache, mood swings, ↑weight, sleep flux...5/24/14: 150mg; headache, mood swings, ↓cognitive/balance...6/2/14: 112mg; see above, weight stable, <3-weeks... 6/28/14: 100mg; moody...7/25/14: 87.5mg; family troubles... 8/4/14: 75mg; headaches; moody... 8/9/1450mg headaches... 8/12/14: 37.5mg; 8/17/14: 25mg...8/26/14 = 0

Hydroxyzine; 10mg: 5/20/15 *prn 4/5 times then dc'd. Mood changes/rage 

Buspirone: 7.5mg: 5/20/15 *prn 4/5 times then dc'd. No changes.

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Do you know, you are perfectly describing what I've been feeling!! The loneliness, I have my daughter but she is an hour away now

and when I do see them, or go out anywhere, I come back here and am alone. I used to be content with my own company too and

was ok just me and my computer, or beads or sewing machine. It is always lovely to see family but I was ok when they went or was

fine coming home and closing the door behind me but lately I am really feeling it. I don't want to come home, I want to be with people.

It is strange to feel like this, and unusual for me because I was ok with my own company for a long time. Every morning I dont want

to get out of bed because what is the point? Why get dressed when I wont be seeing anyone? 

 

Today my elderly neighbour called, she was on her way for the bus into town and missed it so came to my place for a cup of tea while

she waited for the next bus. I got dressed and after we had a cuppa I took her into town, bought her lunch and took her to the supermarket 

for shopping. I didn't feel very well but it was nice just to be with someone, and when I took her home I didn't want to come back here and

be on my own. I think about people who can't get out and have no-one and it makes me feel panicky because that could be me. I need 

to do something about it too. I never thought about it being like neuro emotions and withdrawal, you have given me something to think about! 

Thank you for updating CW,  :)  I don't feel quite so lonely now I know I am not alone, if that makes sense! 

**I am not a medical professional, if in doubt please consult a doctor with withdrawal knowledge.

 

 

Different drugs occasionally (mostly benzos) 1976 - 1981 (no problem)

1993 - 2002 in and out of hospital. every type of drug + ECT. Staring with seroxat

2002  effexor. 

Tapered  March 2012 to March 2013, ending with 5 beads.

Withdrawal April 2013 . Reinstated 5 beads reduced to 4 beads May 2013

Restarted taper  Nov 2013  

OFF EFFEXOR Feb 2015    :D 

Tapered atenolol and omeprazole Dec 2013 - May 2014

 

Tapering tramadol, Feb 2015 100mg , March 2015 50mg  

 July 2017 30mg.  May 15 2018 25mg

Taking fish oil, magnesium, B12, folic acid, bilberry eyebright for eye pressure. 

 

My story http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4199-hello-mammap-checking-in/page-33

 

Lesson learned, slow down taper at lower doses. Taper no more than 10% of CURRENT dose if possible

 

 

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Thanks, MM.

 

Yes, I do know that I am not alone. I have read of your struggles with your friend but have not caught up with anything.

 

It is such a visceral feeling now, without the drugs.  Viscera, the internal organs. Mine feel like I am wearing them on the outside and everyone keeps bumping into them. No way of tuning feelings out anymore: no drugs or alcohol. Smoking is done. Can't use antidepressants ever again, too risky. Food? I gained weight during the summer when I was actively suicidal and used ice cream to soothe me, the inactivity didn't help. Was frozen to the chair. Tired of the computer and crafts aren't absorbing enough. Just crap on TV and the internet. Life was pretty exciting when I and the guy were emailing back and forth but that's done now. The next stage of my life hasn't arrived yet.

 

I wanted so badly to meet someone to be with. It didn't work because I wasn't ready. I have lots of work ahead of me and no guarantee the work will bear fruit.

 

Shall we adopt each other MM? That could work, right? Life is just too dang hard sometimes.

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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Oh mammaP! You were posting while I was writing. I have really missed you and I have really missed being here.

 

I hate that you are feeling what I am feeling, it is a hard emotion, loneliness. I wonder "Why now?" At this time of my life. Is it a stage of recovery? If it is I don't remember anyone really talking about it. Is it because we don't have mates? Is that the cure? Not for some I don't think.

 

I have no answers but I am just thrilled to hear from you!

 

Someone told me recently about the old postmistress we used to have when my parents first started snowbirding in FL. She was already retired from up North when she took the job, kept it till she was about 85. Always lived alone after her husband died. Lively little thing. She died at 104. They said she got to having the Meals on Wheels people come every day even though she had her own food because she liked the company.

 

Old age is not for the faint of heart. We must somehow get our ducks in a row.......

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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I've mentioned this quite a few times in different threads. The drugs made me feel very independent and able to be detached from people. SS/NRIs are known to have that effect. As it's worn off, I also feel this visceral loneliness and fear of being alone. I do have a spouse, but am also the end of my family -- no kids, nieces, nephews, etc. And I live across the country from my cousins. I just mentioned this to my doctor today. I have become very dependent on my husband for everyday things and, if something happens to him, I have no idea what would happen to me or who might be there for me. One therapist called this "end of family line depression". I've never seen it documented anywhere. My doctor had no suggestions or valuable input except that he said my fear is understandable.

 

I do believe it is neuroemotion in part. Also, feeling no connection with a work family has been a large part for me.

 

You might relate to this article:

http://newoldage.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/07/29/single-childless-and-downright-terrified/?_r=0

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

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There are also organizations for shared housing like in Golden Girls. I believe I started a thread on that awhile back. Also a thread on Loneliness vs isolation.

Pristiq tapered over 8 months ending Spring 2011 after 18 years of polydrugging that began w/Zoloft for fatigue/general malaise (not mood). CURRENT: 1mg Klonopin qhs (SSRI bruxism), 75mg trazodone qhs, various hormonesLitigation for 11 years for Work-related injury, settled 2004. Involuntary medical retirement in 2001 (age 39). 2012 - brain MRI showing diffuse, chronic cerebrovascular damage/demyelination possibly vasculitis/cerebritis. Dx w/autoimmune polyendocrine failure.<p>2013 - Dx w/CNS Sjogren's Lupus (FANA antibodies first appeared in 1997 but missed by doc).

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Google is no help with that search term "end of family line", all that show are your references to it. I, too, am the end. I have 2 cousins and 2 aunts left in CA and Louisiana and I don't see me traveling to either place to hook up with them.

 

You know, I didn't think of the family line thing so much as I thought of the absolute aloneness. No one who 'should' care for me because of blood relation or marriage. I am scared of reaching that point. I thought at least having a husband during this time of my life might help but they are so danged hard to catch and I have a mountain of personal growing to do.

 

Thanks for commenting Barb. So glad to see you here. You know, even though no one of us has answers, we at least have each other in this community. That makes it a bit more bearable.

 

(saw your second post, going to check out "Golden Girls")

 

How is it that my mother never complains of loneliness? She seems content to watch TV, knit dishcloths and crochet scrubbies by feel because she can't see, eat and go to the doctor when she has her appointments. Not at all like her whiny daughter....... who wants the world. And right dang now, thank you very much.

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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I am long overdue for an update but I just don't wanna... I bet if I start it it will write itself (like what happens every other time I have to do this). Why so unwilling to talk about my recovery, I wonder?

 

More healing has indeed taken place since my very bad crash last November and I am more well than I think I have a right to be, given the high dose of cymb@lta I was on (it being a SNRI) and going off all the drugs so abruptly. When I left the volunteer job during the summer, things hit a new low, the worst depression and constant suicidal thoughts. As I struggled with coping with them (I had a lot of time to think as I was pretty nearly frozen to my chair) I noticed something. Whenever I had ventured out and engaged in an activity where I had to use my brain (the volunteer job had me doing things on the computer, I taught myself how to build a site using WordPress, messed around with Quickbooks a bit), in hindsight I saw that my physical being was improving. I know I have mentioned that my sleep became less fragile (the house noises ceased waking me up at night), I was sleeping a bit more but still had early morning awakening. If I did wake at night often I could go right back to sleep. The first 2 things that really caught my attention were that I remembered enjoying a shower and the taste of my evening orange was incredible. I started really getting turned on by food. I was able to eat ice cream again, salads were yummy and I craved them. After that came music. I dragged out all of the mp3's and put them on my Sansa to listen to while I went bike riding. Listened to them in the car. Sang out loud (and really loudly too!) Could actually listen to the radio (NPR). Before this, whenever my mom put the dishes away I could actually feel the crockery sound hit my ears and it was not good, to say the least. I wanted to jump up and break every dish so I would not have to hear that sound ever again. Now? Bring it on!!!

 

And bike riding. My daily half hour walk was not going to help with  the weight I had gained (my cortisol must be dropping). So I began with the bike and boy did I have to start slow. My muscles were shaky, almost crashed a lot. But I built it up and over time have been able to do a gentle ride of about 5 miles every day. I knew things were going to be ok the first day I went in this one direction down the bike path to the end of the island. There is a bit of a short sharp incline near the end and I powered on through it and made it. Powering through such exertion last year caused a horrible increase in anxiety that I never again, for a whole year, did anything that would trigger that anxiety again activity-wise.

 

I had my first nap in a whole year in the middle of the day only about a week or so ago. WOW. Feeling joyful over a nap, of all things. But it is proof that my nervous system is healing, slowly but surely, and this is how you notice it. These little things we used to take for granted. (And I will not go into detail on this but I do not have pssd anymore. Had it during the AD's and until recently. My romantic feelings came back too as well as the feelings of pleasure I mentioned above. I am a bit confused because I remember CG and others saying these are the last things to come back and I know I am nowhere near healed, I just can't be, it is way too soon.

 

So I am sitting here this summer wondering what to do. Something Petu said gelled in my mind. I joined an online dating site thinking that getting dates and meeting men might give me some mental and social stimulation since I was not ready to tackle another volunteer activity. What ended up happening was that I developed an enormous crush on someone far away and was thrown into a great deal of turmoil over it. It was just like 25 years ago, nothing had changed in my ability to pick men over all these years. I ended the conversation with him and sought help in their forums, initially asking about my problems in being attracted to the 'wrong' men. A forum member wrote this to me:

 

 

Let me take a guess at what might be at the heart of why you have this relational pattern -

- when you were a young girl you were hardwired to be trusting and loving, however your father (and perhaps your mother) were not able to fully accept or reciprocate that love. This pained you and made you feel unsafe with both your need (desire) for love so, when you were first married you did not have a mature notion of how love or relationships worked. In fact, it's possible your husband may have been someone who also did not know how to receive or reciprocate this love (re-enactment). This was so confusing and painful for you, that you shut down for most of the last 25 years. I wonder if the self-care and advocacy you've done over the last few years awakened in you a little spark... the spark of hope that maybe you will find the balance you crave. And to that end...perhaps a meaningful relationship. Now what we have is a conflict between your heart and your mind....your mind is doing all the right things going on-line etc. but your heart is scared...so you have a way out...you develop feelings for someone...far away...but when the possibility of meeting comes closer you panic, shut-down and close it all down.

Before I go on...does any of this resonate for you?

 

Resonate? She NAILED IT! I asked her how she knew, had this been her story too? She answered:

 

 

No this is not my story. I am familiar with this pattern. Find a good therapist who has an 'attachment' theory approach to treatment. S/he should be able to help you see the link between your need (genuine unconditionally love) and your fear (unreciprocated affection, feeling 'too much', fear of rejection, or even simple disinterest from the other person), then you want to make a clear list of what these negative traits look like in a person ie. coldness, insensitivity etc. then make a list of what you feel would be the traits you would want in someone (unconditional acceptance, kindness, thoughtfulness) then you want to find someone -local - THEN you do the hard work of managing your anxiety and negative beliefs as the relationship unfolds. You have the analysis of the situation, the therapist is going to give you the tools for navigating this part of the work.

If you could get through the ordeal of the accident and the trauma of the medication I suspect with some support you will find your way towards the type of relationship you were hardwired to have!

 

I suspect you have been (unconsciously) conditioned to use compliance (figuring out how to read people and do things that make things easy and comfortable for them) as a way to get the few crumbs of comfort you need. The downside of this strategy is that you give more than you receive, you will attract takers, you will be too uneasy and fearful to ask for what you want or need, you expect that there will be some inherent fairness in the exchange (i.e.. you give and give and then the other person will give to you) but this never works out fairly, then you have negative feelings which make you feel embarrassed and ashamed (for being vulnerable) and you get angry, sometimes hurt others, and ultimately shut down...again.
 

 

She was referring to my explanation of AD withdrawal when she mentioned 'accident' above. So I started researching attachment theory and found this description of an Avoidant type of insecure attachment:

 

 

Intense anger and loss, Hostile, Critical of others, Sensitive to blame, Lack of empathy, Views others as untrustworthy, Views others as undependable, Views self as unlovable or "too good" for others, Relationships feel either threatening to one's sense of control, not worth the effort, or both; Compulsive self-reliance, Passive withdrawal, Low levels of perceived support, Difficulty getting along with co-workers, often preferring to work alone; Work may provide a good excuse to avoid personal relations, Fear of closeness in relationships ,Avoidance of intimacy, Unlikely to idealize the love relationship, Tendency toward Introjective depression (self critical).

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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(I have to make a new post to continue as the cursor got stuck in the 'quote' window.)

 

So reading all that was like getting hit in the head with the mother of all clue sticks. It explained my problems with jobs, not just men, and why I kept leaving them. I took a test on this site (this test) and it appears that my attachment problems stem from my perceptions of BOTH parents. No wonder all these years I 'knew' they must love me but I could never 'feel' loved. I scored normal attachment/normal anxiety only with my best friend. High anxiety and avoidance with mom and dad and nearly off the charts with romantic partners. All those years wasted looking for love in all the wrong places with side steps into alcohol, antidepressants, overspending, etc.

 

So here was her recommendation:

 

 

The type of therapy that would be most helpful is called Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT) here is a wiki link http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotionally_focused_therapy

When looking for a therapist who claims to have this treatment framework in their tool box - make sure that they are certified in the training - some folks take a weekend workshop or read a book and think that makes them an expert!

 

There is a short lecture on Youtube on Projective Identification - by the Seatle Psychology Centre...it should offer some clarity on what's going on for you. If you feel that you are on the high avoidant spectrum then I would suggest you read Robert Muller's book - Trauma and the Avoidant Client.....it's very good.
 

 

I have Muller's book on kindle (it is actually written for therapists) and the Seattle guys are great! I have already listened to several of their podcasts. I have no way of proving this but I think that the lady who gave me the info is a Canadian psychologist or else a student and I base this on the book she recommended and her dating site profile.

 

At last I have some idea of a direction to take to get a handle on my life problems without having to resort to drugs, alcohol, pharma, shopping and the ultimate fix. I am optimistic.

 

So what did I do? You'll probably get tired of hearing this but this is my new mantra and suggestion for all to try as you dig yourself out from under this withdrawal mess. I just have a feeling it was what worked for me and it could work for you:

 

Eat 3 meals a day without fail. Breakfast can be cereal milk fruit (and I used those crappy fruit cups when I couldn't get good stuff). Lunch was often crappy lunchmeat (I used turkey stuff) on white bread (horrors!) with mozzarella cheese. Dinner was often one of those frozen healthy choice meals (cooking was way too problematic and hey! it is food!). And my nightly orange. 300 mg magnesium citrate/glycinate spread out over the day. As much water as I could manage. Half hour gentle walk every day. No caffeine or decaffeinated anything. No artificial sweetener, sugar in moderation only. No OTC drugs or other supplements (they just didn't work for me although I took the omega liquid for awhile and probiotic capsules). Rest in bed from 10p to 6:30a then get the heck out of bed and start my day of distracting myself on the computer. Unlimited license to cry and bemoan my fate.

 

I have my own private theory why this works, which I won't hesitate to push whenever I can. (And another sign of healing: just in this last week I have been able to have a cup of coffee in the morning!) Things are really looking up and I am grateful. I still am getting feeling suicidal thoughts though but I think that is something that just happens and has to be gotten used to till it goes away for good. I am, after all, still recovering.

 

So hey, looks like all I had to do was start and my update wrote itself.

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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So pleased for you, I really am. I will write more when I can.

2008 - Doctors appointment with stress induced anxiety led to Citalopram prescription.

Severe adverse reaction

Mirtazapine prescribed - adverse reaction but told to stay on.

Poop out - December 2013

15mg

Currently on 13.5mg,

April 12mg

May 10th - 11mg

June 10th - 10mg

July 8th - 9mg

September - 0mg

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I know you are, Muddles. I know all too well how hard it is to write when you are hurting. Your simple acknowledgement means the world, OK?

 

Keep hanging in there!

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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I'm so happy to hear that things have turned around for you CW and thank you for starting your update and letting it write itself.  Its completely beyond me how that person could know so much about you, and have it be so accurate, but I'm glad its lead you in a positive direction, to the kind of therapy you need.

 

I'm tempted to follow some of your links and do some tests myself, but I'm way behind you in the recovery process.

 

I like your recovery plan and have  questions about the breakfast part of it.  What time do you eat breakfast and do you find it easy to eat at that time of the day?  My whole life I've found it difficult to eat breakfast, even as a child I would feel nauseated most mornings and in withdrawal its much worse....

 

.... I just took a little break from typing here to go check out your first post in your thread because I wanted to know how long you had been on meds for.  I got carried away and read several of your first posts, it was like reading something written by a different person, now, you are so much calmer, focused and...... I guess stable is a good word.

I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one.

My Introduction Thread

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes

Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine

Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered

Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days.

April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close.

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 

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Sweetie I was a NUT case when I first got here! Funny no one ever said a word either, it is like I was constantly talking to myself and not making any sense. Some months ago I attempted to read my own thread and I could not get through that beginning part, it gave me a severe headache. Oh my yes, saying I am, uh,

 

 

so much calmer, focused and...... I guess stable is a good word.

 

is an understatement.

 

Funny you should ask about breakfast, that was always my most problematic meal. By accident I noticed, way back last year when I committed to my "plan", that if I did not eat breakfast (as was usual for me MY WHOLE LIFE) that my mental symptoms were much worse. You know why I hated breakfast? Because I thought it made me gain weight. I felt slightly nauseous in the mornings, (lifetime) and found that if I ate bfast, I was RAVENOUSLY hungry by noon and couldn't keep my weight down by skipping meals.

 

So what I did was force myself to eat. I bought cereals without the sugar coating and use about 2 tsp of sugar (or less) on whatever I get because if I don't I won't eat it. My current fave is bite size shredded wheat, Now I can't wait to get up in the morning and eat it. I cycle through cheerios, shredded, rice krispies, the stuff of my kidhood. Tried oatmeal once in early wd and it made me so sick I'll never be able to eat it again.

 

So what I noticed, the first day a week or so ago, when I decided to try a cup of coffee, that it dampened my hunger to the extent that I completely forgot to eat. Didn't notice much in my mental state because at that time I was still crushing on the guy and life was exciting. But that is not a good habit to fall back into so now if I have the coffee, I make sure to put the bowl out so I don't forget. I was SO shocked at the effect of the caffeine to erase the hunger. Lots of lifestyle choices can influence mood, I never knew that.

 

You'll get better (or should I say 'different') because that is the nature of this. Moody is right about the explanation, I say the same thing but in different words, it is common knowledge. (Repopulating and upregulating). It may not have even been the aspirin anyway, you will never know for sure. You just have to grit your teeth and go back to clawing through the days, moment to moment.

 

Try breakfast, ok? The nausea is just there for some of us, I don't know why. Eggs used do that to me but I do try them occasionally now and they do just fine. But I bullied past nausea and I think it made a difference. Another way to give my body 'constancy'. And I think all the 'healthy' stuff, the gluten-free, paleo and what have you, are for fine tuning a body that has finished this acute withdrawal stage (unless you swell up like a balloon whenever you even LOOK at wheat). Then you avoid it. There are times when for some reason I cannot eat a simple salad so I'll skip them for a bit but I won't skip the meal. You will noticed it is a lot of 'ready to eat' stuff I eat. Well, to my mind it is food and since cooking from sctatch is not my thing, it will have to do (and it appears it DID because I am improving). The other thing I do is eat a lot of plain almonds. By the bag full. If I don't have them handy I will eat junk. Maybe they stabilize my blood sugar throughout the day? IDK.

 

What time do I eat it? Hmm, there have been times that I wake up way too early (like 2 or 3) and notice the hunger. I'll double down in that case (eat a bowl then and one at the real time). I usually eat shortly after I get up and usually before 9 am. My body usually tells me now since I made the habit for it.

 

PS. The lady 'knew' so much about me because I fit the 'attachment theory' mold so clearly. Everything I read explains so much of why I have felt the way I have my whole life. It is really pronounced in romance and for me because I am almost classic 'avoidant' in my relationship style. Spooky.

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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I forgot to add something to my update: I can now wear perfume again! I bought a bottle of my fave (I love the holiday gift sets, saves $$$!) "Chl0e". All I can tolerate at the moment is one tiny spritz between the girls but I am like a dog rolling in poo or a cat with catnip. Such a sensual experience, after losing my sense of smell and then having it so deranged by wd that I hated ALL smells. Weird, huh?

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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Hey CW

 

I have attachment issues related to childhood trauma. I found this guys work very useful in helping me to understand. http://www.drlaurenceheller.com/Intro_to_NARM.html

 

I bought his book on kindle

 

Cheers

 

Dalsaan

Please note - I am not a medical practitioner and I do not give medical advice. I offer an opinion based on my own experiences, reading and discussion with others.On Effexor for 2 months at the start of 2005. Had extreme insomnia as an adverse reaction. Changed to mirtazapine. Have been trying to get off since mid 2008 with numerous failures including CTs and slow (but not slow enough tapers)Have slow tapered at 10 per cent or less for years. I have liquid mirtazapine made at a compounding chemist.

Was on 1.6 ml as at 19 March 2014.

Dropped to 1.5 ml 7 June 2014. Dropped to 1.4 in about September.

Dropped to 1.3 on 20 December 2014. Dropped to 1.2 in mid Jan 2015.

Dropped to 1 ml in late Feb 2015. I think my old medication had run out of puff so I tried 1ml when I got the new stuff and it seems to be going ok. Sleep has been good over the last week (as of 13/3/15).

Dropped to 1/2 ml 14/11/15 Fatigue still there as are memory and cognition problems. Sleep is patchy but liveable compared to what it has been in the past.

 

DRUG FREE - as at 1st May 2017

 

>My intro post is here - http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2250-dalsaan

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Holy Bouncing Boiler Plate, Batman!

 

CT from 120mg Cymbalta and still alive. You are one tough cookie, CW.

08 Cipralex 10mg for about 6 months. 11-12 Cipralex 20mg. Unsuccesful WD. 12-13 Zoloft 100mg with Diazepam 10-20mg as needed for anxiety.
Fall 13 Tapering Zoloft 100->50->25->12,5->0 in 2,5 months and CT Diazepam. 12/24/13 RI Zoloft 12,5mg
.

1/21/14 11mg

3/18/14 9,9mg

2/18/14 8mg

4/22/14 7,6mg

5/5/14 7,2mg

5/12/14 -> cutting 0,5mg per week, holding when necessary.

8/18/14 -> cutting 0,25mg per week holding when necessary.

10/20/2014 -> cutting 0,1mg per week, holding when necessary.
12/28/2014 Jump!

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I forgot to add something to my update: I can now wear perfume again! I bought a bottle of my fave (I love the holiday gift sets, saves $$$!) "Chl0e". All I can tolerate at the moment is one tiny spritz between the girls but I am like a dog rolling in poo or a cat with catnip. Such a sensual experience, after losing my sense of smell and then having it so deranged by wd that I hated ALL smells. Weird, huh?

WOW!!!

I so love perfume... if you got better there is hope maybe some day those bottles I have will come out again.  Such a small thing yet it makes me hopeful and happy to hear :) peace

WARNING THIS WILL BE LONG
Had a car accident in 85
Codeine was the pain med when I was release from hosp continuous use till 89
Given PROZAC by a specialist to help with nerve pain in my leg 89-90 not sure which year
Was not told a thing about it being a psych med thought it was a pain killer no info about psych side effects I went nuts had hallucinations. As I had a head injury and was diagnosed with a concussion in 85 I was sent to a head injury clinic in 1990 five years after the accident. I don't think they knew I had been on prozac I did not think it a big deal and never did finish the bottle of pills. I had tests of course lots of them. Was put into a pain clinic and given amitriptyline which stopped the withdrawal but had many side effects. But I could sleep something I had not done in a very long time the pain lessened. My mother got cancer in 94 they switched my meds to Zoloft to help deal with this pressure as I was her main care giver she died in 96. I stopped zoloft in 96 had withdrawal was put on paxil went nutty quit it ct put on resperidol quit it ct had withdrawal was put on Effexor... 2years later celexa was added 20mg then increased to 40mg huge personality change went wild. Did too fast taper off Celexa 05 as I felt unwell for a long time prior... quit Effexor 150mg ct 07 found ****** 8 months into withdrawal learned some things was banned from there in 08 have kept learning since. there is really not enough room here to put my history but I have a lot of opinions about a lot of things especially any of the drugs mentioned above.
One thing I would like to add here is this tidbit ALL OPIATES INCREASE SEROTONIN it is not a huge jump to being in chronic pain to being put on an ssri/snri and opiates will affect your antidepressants and your thinking.

As I do not update much I will put my quit date Nov. 17 2007 I quit Effexor cold turkey. 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1096-introducing-myself-btdt/

There is a crack in everything ..That's how the light gets in :)

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oh my I am far behind will catch up ... glad you doing better and will read all those link eventually thanks for posting them. peace... 

WARNING THIS WILL BE LONG
Had a car accident in 85
Codeine was the pain med when I was release from hosp continuous use till 89
Given PROZAC by a specialist to help with nerve pain in my leg 89-90 not sure which year
Was not told a thing about it being a psych med thought it was a pain killer no info about psych side effects I went nuts had hallucinations. As I had a head injury and was diagnosed with a concussion in 85 I was sent to a head injury clinic in 1990 five years after the accident. I don't think they knew I had been on prozac I did not think it a big deal and never did finish the bottle of pills. I had tests of course lots of them. Was put into a pain clinic and given amitriptyline which stopped the withdrawal but had many side effects. But I could sleep something I had not done in a very long time the pain lessened. My mother got cancer in 94 they switched my meds to Zoloft to help deal with this pressure as I was her main care giver she died in 96. I stopped zoloft in 96 had withdrawal was put on paxil went nutty quit it ct put on resperidol quit it ct had withdrawal was put on Effexor... 2years later celexa was added 20mg then increased to 40mg huge personality change went wild. Did too fast taper off Celexa 05 as I felt unwell for a long time prior... quit Effexor 150mg ct 07 found ****** 8 months into withdrawal learned some things was banned from there in 08 have kept learning since. there is really not enough room here to put my history but I have a lot of opinions about a lot of things especially any of the drugs mentioned above.
One thing I would like to add here is this tidbit ALL OPIATES INCREASE SEROTONIN it is not a huge jump to being in chronic pain to being put on an ssri/snri and opiates will affect your antidepressants and your thinking.

As I do not update much I will put my quit date Nov. 17 2007 I quit Effexor cold turkey. 

http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/1096-introducing-myself-btdt/

There is a crack in everything ..That's how the light gets in :)

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Btdt, you have enough on your plate, there will be plenty of time to explore those links when you are better. And hang on to the perfume, you never know when it will come in handy.

 

Dalsaan,

 

I read the site you referenced and nothing hit me very strongly. I never experienced a trauma in my early life, that is what has been so mystifying to me. I am positive about that, I have no gaps in my memory whatsoever. I sensed my mother was never very interested in me and my father overly so at times to the point that some things he did I would label as 'emotional incest'. But he was also overly controlling. So for me the way they acted as my caregivers was the problem and caused my 'attachments' to fail. THAT was the trauma and it created more trauma for me in every area of my life because of the way it led me to think and behave and relate to people. It affected every one of my jobs and my career choice.

 

Moody: yep, I am tough as nails, but that comes with a price. I'll often hurt myself without realizing it. I still don't know how I lived through my initial withdrawal and that day I spent in the ER and they pumped me full of dilaudid? Which only made me loopy but did not take that horrible headache away? I convinced them I was all right and they let me drive myself home. I remember losing consciousness twice on that 25 mile drive. I was so tough that it never even occurred to me to call my friend who lives right near the hospital. She gave me he11 for it when I told her what I had done. Hard as nails, stupid as shite.

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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Hellers work is specifically about the developmental trauma that occurs in the context of neglectful, remote parenting. A lack of interest is very traumatic for children because they are vulnerable/ dependent on their parents. Part of what he explores is the way that a lack of attachment in the very early years shapes our nervous system and how we form relationships

 

But if it's not useful, no worries.

 

D

Please note - I am not a medical practitioner and I do not give medical advice. I offer an opinion based on my own experiences, reading and discussion with others.On Effexor for 2 months at the start of 2005. Had extreme insomnia as an adverse reaction. Changed to mirtazapine. Have been trying to get off since mid 2008 with numerous failures including CTs and slow (but not slow enough tapers)Have slow tapered at 10 per cent or less for years. I have liquid mirtazapine made at a compounding chemist.

Was on 1.6 ml as at 19 March 2014.

Dropped to 1.5 ml 7 June 2014. Dropped to 1.4 in about September.

Dropped to 1.3 on 20 December 2014. Dropped to 1.2 in mid Jan 2015.

Dropped to 1 ml in late Feb 2015. I think my old medication had run out of puff so I tried 1ml when I got the new stuff and it seems to be going ok. Sleep has been good over the last week (as of 13/3/15).

Dropped to 1/2 ml 14/11/15 Fatigue still there as are memory and cognition problems. Sleep is patchy but liveable compared to what it has been in the past.

 

DRUG FREE - as at 1st May 2017

 

>My intro post is here - http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2250-dalsaan

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I am glad you commented again, Dalsaan. When I first read Heller's website, I could not wrap my mind around the 50 cent technical words he uses and my mind snapped shut at the mention of 'mindfulness'.

 

So I went a searching and came across this, a transcript of a podcast with Dr. Heller from 2013 on Shrink Rap Radio. Much more informative and understandable to me.

What happened and how I arrived here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4243-cymbaltawithdrawal5600-introduction/#entry50878

 

July 2016 I have decided to leave my story here at SA unfinished. I have left my contact information in my profile for anyone who wishes to talk to me. I have a posting history spanning nearly 4 years and 3000+ posts all over the site.

 

Thank you to all who participated in my recovery. I'll miss talking to you but know that I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines, suffering and rejoicing with you in spirit, as you go on in your journey.

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Right, thanks for that. I've read his book so was not so conscious of the jargon. I got a lot out of the book

Please note - I am not a medical practitioner and I do not give medical advice. I offer an opinion based on my own experiences, reading and discussion with others.On Effexor for 2 months at the start of 2005. Had extreme insomnia as an adverse reaction. Changed to mirtazapine. Have been trying to get off since mid 2008 with numerous failures including CTs and slow (but not slow enough tapers)Have slow tapered at 10 per cent or less for years. I have liquid mirtazapine made at a compounding chemist.

Was on 1.6 ml as at 19 March 2014.

Dropped to 1.5 ml 7 June 2014. Dropped to 1.4 in about September.

Dropped to 1.3 on 20 December 2014. Dropped to 1.2 in mid Jan 2015.

Dropped to 1 ml in late Feb 2015. I think my old medication had run out of puff so I tried 1ml when I got the new stuff and it seems to be going ok. Sleep has been good over the last week (as of 13/3/15).

Dropped to 1/2 ml 14/11/15 Fatigue still there as are memory and cognition problems. Sleep is patchy but liveable compared to what it has been in the past.

 

DRUG FREE - as at 1st May 2017

 

>My intro post is here - http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2250-dalsaan

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I laughed out loud at your perfume 'between the girls' CW, it is brilliant that you have improved so much.

Just don't let the girls look after your mobile phone or they might chuck it down the loo ;) 

(Do you remember my old one? )  :lol:

**I am not a medical professional, if in doubt please consult a doctor with withdrawal knowledge.

 

 

Different drugs occasionally (mostly benzos) 1976 - 1981 (no problem)

1993 - 2002 in and out of hospital. every type of drug + ECT. Staring with seroxat

2002  effexor. 

Tapered  March 2012 to March 2013, ending with 5 beads.

Withdrawal April 2013 . Reinstated 5 beads reduced to 4 beads May 2013

Restarted taper  Nov 2013  

OFF EFFEXOR Feb 2015    :D 

Tapered atenolol and omeprazole Dec 2013 - May 2014

 

Tapering tramadol, Feb 2015 100mg , March 2015 50mg  

 July 2017 30mg.  May 15 2018 25mg

Taking fish oil, magnesium, B12, folic acid, bilberry eyebright for eye pressure. 

 

My story http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4199-hello-mammap-checking-in/page-33

 

Lesson learned, slow down taper at lower doses. Taper no more than 10% of CURRENT dose if possible

 

 

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