Jump to content
SurvivingAntidepressants.org is temporarily closed to new registrations until 1 April ×

☼ Petunia: recovering from 13 years of antidepressant use


Petunia

Recommended Posts

  • Moderator

Hi Petu-- that was an amazing update, I'm so happy for you.  I generally avoid drumming circles as they very quickly become just noise to me.  I did run into a group from Samoa once that was pretty amazing, but best from a distance.  The whole afternoon sounds like one huge breakthrough, well done.

 

(((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))) 

20 years on Paxil starting at 20mg and working up to 40mg. Sept 2011 started 10% every 6 weeks taper (2.5% every week for 4 weeks then hold for 2 additional weeks), currently at 7.9mg. Oct 2011 CTed 15oz vodka a night, to only drinking 2 beers most nights, totally sober Feb 2013.

Since I wrote this I have continued to decrease my dose by 10% every 6 weeks (2.5% every week for 4 weeks and then hold for an additional 2 weeks). I added in an extra 6 week hold when I hit 10mg to let things settle out even more. When I hit 3mgpw it became hard to split the drop into 4 parts so I switched to dropping 1mgpw (pill weight) every week for 3 weeks and then holding for another 3 weeks.  The 3 + 3 schedule turned out to be too harsh so I cut back to dropping 1mgpw every 4 weeks which is working better.

Final Dose 0.016mg.     Current dose 0.000mg 04-15-2017

 

"It's also important not to become angry, no matter how difficult life is, because you can loose all hope if you can't laugh at yourself and at life in general."  Stephen Hawking

Link to comment

This is just great! Your healing :)

 

And I like the comment about chocolate being the measure of healing LOL!

2000 - sertraline for job anxiety low confidence (17 years old) ..which turned the next 16 years into nightmare!

 

On/off sertraline severe withdrawals every time. 2014 - felt better as reduced dose of sertraline no more inner restlessness. Doctor rushed off again. Hit severe withdrawal. Lost the little I had in life. Couldn't get stable again on 12.5mg. Was switched to prozac. Had severe reaction to prozac..came off in November 2015 at 6mg as felt more confused and damaged on it..Even more withdrawal ..rage, depression, dyphoria, near constant suicidal ideation, self harm impulses, doom, concrete block in head, unable to do much of anything with this feeling in head..went back on 6mg of sertraline to see if would alleviate anything. It didn't..reduced from December to June 2016 came off at 2.5mg sertraline as was hospitalised for the severe rage, suicidal impulses, and put on 50mg lofepramine which in 2nd week reduced all symptoms but gave insomnia which still have..psych stopped lofepramine cold turkey..no increased withdrawal symptoms new symptoms from lofepramine except persistant insomnia which has as side effect.

 

Taking Ativan for 8 months for the severe rage self harm impulses 1-3 times a week (mostly 2 times a week) at .5mg. Two months (I'm unsure exactly when the interdose started to happen) ago interdose withdrawal seemed to happen..2 days I think after the Ativan.

 

 

Nightmare that could have been avoided!

Link to comment

Hello dear Petu;thank you for stoping on my thread.

Just like me, and many others that have walked this path, you will get there.It is a matter of TIME, patience and guts.

I have been folowing your process, and you are improving;slowly but surely.

 

You are doing a great job.

 

Hugs, A.

4 years aprox. on 150mgs.Effexor for situational major depression.No AD before.
Tapered 150-0mgs in 3 months.

Tapered Quetiapine,Xanax in the last 18 months.NO med of any kind anymore.
First 3 months off acute w/d
Protracted w/d ever since.
Symptoms:Anxiety,anhedonia,insomnia,tinnitus,PSSD

04/13/2014 Awful Relapse.Recovered fairly fast.

3 years and 4 months off.

waves and windows.Very much recovered.

November 2015,health issue.Setback.
 

 

Link to comment
  • Moderator Emeritus

Hi Petu,

 

What a great update. I think having the desire and the motivation to try something new is VERY significant in the recovery journey. I'm so glad you went with that feeling and did the drumming.

 

I would have just run over those bikes though!

 

Dalsaan xx

Please note - I am not a medical practitioner and I do not give medical advice. I offer an opinion based on my own experiences, reading and discussion with others.On Effexor for 2 months at the start of 2005. Had extreme insomnia as an adverse reaction. Changed to mirtazapine. Have been trying to get off since mid 2008 with numerous failures including CTs and slow (but not slow enough tapers)Have slow tapered at 10 per cent or less for years. I have liquid mirtazapine made at a compounding chemist.

Was on 1.6 ml as at 19 March 2014.

Dropped to 1.5 ml 7 June 2014. Dropped to 1.4 in about September.

Dropped to 1.3 on 20 December 2014. Dropped to 1.2 in mid Jan 2015.

Dropped to 1 ml in late Feb 2015. I think my old medication had run out of puff so I tried 1ml when I got the new stuff and it seems to be going ok. Sleep has been good over the last week (as of 13/3/15).

Dropped to 1/2 ml 14/11/15 Fatigue still there as are memory and cognition problems. Sleep is patchy but liveable compared to what it has been in the past.

 

DRUG FREE - as at 1st May 2017

 

>My intro post is here - http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2250-dalsaan

Link to comment

This is a truly amazing achievement - especially after struggling with agoraphobia! Just to have done one of those things would have been fantastic but to do all of them in one day. You must be so pleased that this shows you are getting better. Hope you continue to have more days like this one!

 

Best Wishes.

 

Flowers

15 yrs on 20 to 30 mgs CITALOPRAM.  MAY 2014 Increased to 40 mgs per day.SEPT/NOV 2014 tapered in 6 weeks down to 10 mgs as per Dr instructions due to violent nightmares/palpitations.Given Noctamid (lormetazepam) to help with anxiety. On average took 2mg per day for 8 weeks.No taper was advised.DEC 2014 WD severe. Nervous tic in eyes and limbs, muscle pain,fluct  temp, weakness, dep and anxiety, nausea, giddy, unstable when walking. Different Dr suggested taking 20mgs CIT. BROMAZEPAM 3mgs up to 3 x daily for anxiety.DEC 9 2014 Updose CIT to 30mgs. Only taking BROMAZEPAM in emergency.DEC 31 2014 Settling at 30mg CIT - helping with depression. No Brom for 2wks.Found SA.APR 2015 Trying to stabilise on 30mgs CIT.  JAN 2016 Started Cit Taper reducing by 5% per month.  28.5 mgs 
FEB  Taper held bereavement. APR Taper resumed 27mgs . MAY 25.50 mgs .  JUNE 24 mgs .  JULY I stupidly mixed up my BP meds with CIT. Consequently took no CIT for 3 days and doubled my BP meds. Waiting for the fallout....Holding for a while until any chance of repercussions have abated. SEPT taper resumed to  22.5 mgs . OCT 21 mgs .NOV 19.95 mgs DEC crashed. 2017: FEB 3rd updose to 20.5 mgs to try to stabilise.FEB.switched over to 75mgs of Venlafaxine XR for 3 weeks.Too stimulating so switching back to Cit. 12 March 37.5 Ven and 20 Cit. 21 March 18mg Ven 20mg Cit. 4 April 9mg Ven 20mg Cit. Xanax .50mg when needed.  13 April 0 mgs Ven, 20mg Citalopram. Xanax .50 mg per day. 5 May reinstated a small amount of Ven to stabilize  1 mg twice a day. 20 mg Citalopram at night. Xanax .25 mg twice per day.Other Meds: Losartan (BP)Started 1993 at  50 mgs at night.  Seretide (Asthma) Started 1996 at 1 puff twice a day. Jan 2019 Antibiotic Ceclor 500mgs twice a day for bronchitis and  Atrovent 2ml capsules twice a day for asthma. Finished the course of both Jan 17. 

XANAX  Jan 27  - Feb 3 2019 Failed Valium Crossover.   Feb 14 2019  Updosed Xanax by .0625  Feb 17 2019 Decreased Xanax by .0625. Back to .50mg daily.  Update Xanax 28.2.20 tapered to .1250 mg 8am .25 mg midnight. Update Xanax 11.8.21 tapered to .25 mg at night. 

Current Meds 28.2.19: CITALOPRAM  20mg  taken at midnight. VENLAFAXINE  .9 mg twice a day at 8am and 10pm.  XANAX .50 mg split into 4 doses per day. 10am .0625mg / 2pm .1250mg/ 6pm .0625mg / midnight .25mg.Update 10.8.22 .25 mg at night.  LOSARTAN 50 mgs taken at midnight.  SERETIDE 1 puff taken at 8am and 10pm.   7.7.19 VENLAFAXINE UPDATE: Started tapering 10% every 4 weeks. Currently .4 mg twice a day at 8am and 10 pm.  2.9.19 .36 mg x 2. 1.10.19  .32 mg x 2. 26.11.19 .29 mg x2. 26.12.19 .26 mg  x 2. 23.1.20  .23 mg x 2.  20.2.20 .21 mg x2.20.3.20  .19 mg x 2. 21.4.20 .17 mg x 2. 19.5.20 .13 mg x 2.  18.6.20 .11mg  x 2 .18.7.20.10 mg x 2.1.9.20.09 mg x 2. 30.9. 20 .08 mg x 2. 1.11.20 .07 mg x 2.  2.12.20 .06 mg x 2.  8.1.21 .05 mg x 2.  4.2.21 .04 mg x 2. 9.3.21 .03 mgx2.  7.4.21  .02 mg x 2.  9.5.21 .01 mg x 2.  21.6.21 .01 mg x 1.  11.8.21 ZERO!

 

Link to comment
  • Moderator Emeritus

After reading all those lovely, encouraging comments I feel awful about what I'm about to write :( ... like as if I'm letting everyone down.  But I want to document this strange, non-linear healing process honestly.

 

Last night, I had one of the worst nights I've had in a long time.  I fell asleep really early, I guess I was tired, but then from about 11pm on, I kept waking up, going hot/cold all night, couldn't get back into a deep sleep.

 

Then at 5am was slammed into full consciousness by yet another strange voice.  This time I sat up, put my light on and wrote it down.  It was a male voice and it said:

 

"The outfit left Lizzy Bowden the leader in distance bowling"  :wacko:

 

Today has been a bad one.  The dread and physical feelings of intense fear are back.  I haven't been able to do anything but lay on my bed listening to coast to coast radio shows, which have probably been making me feel worse than I already was, I usually enjoy listening to stories about aliens and UFOs, but today, everything I tried for distraction was increasing my fear response.  Cortisol was high and stayed up all day.

 

Something else which is really upsetting is that I was remembering my experience of drumming yesterday and instead of having a nice memory of it, it had become contaminated with the cortisol fueled neuro-emotions of today and I was remembering it in a different way, like as if it had been a bad experience and I was wishing I hadn't done it.  I got scared that I had permanently ruined my memory of it by thinking about it in my negative state.  But thankfully, this evening the cortisol has subsided and my memory is back to normal again.

 

I still can't get used to the extreme contrast in the way I experience life from one day to the next, from morning to evening.

 


I would have just run over those bikes though!
 

 

Believe me, I wanted to.

 

 


And I like the comment about chocolate being the measure of healing LOL!

 

Me too :)

 

----------------------------

 

I thought I was finished writing, but there's something else...about what happened today.  At first, my conclusion, was that I must have overdone it yesterday and today I'm paying the price with a nasty little wave, because I pushed my nervous system too far.  But I don't think that's true.  I was paying close attention to how I was feeling yesterday, and each time it felt like some stress was arising, I stopped, I wasn't pushing myself at all, it was all quite easy and pleasant (apart from the bikes). 

 

So this is what I think happened.  Yesterday, my brain made some real progress by learning that its still capable of feeling safe and comfortable in an externally chaotic environment.  Like with the rubrics cube analogy, a few more squares joined together in the right places, and hopefully my brain will remember that progress.  But today, it had to be dismantled again, those healthy connections had to be broken apart and put to the side so that other parts could be attended to.

Edited by Petunia
removed image and deleted content

I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one.

My Introduction Thread

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes

Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine

Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered

Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days.

April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close.

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 

Link to comment

I don't understand how one's brain can function differently for a short time and not stay like that? I wish this were the case - that we slowly got better day by day, instead of feeling like progress is happening only for it to be taken the next minute, hour or day. I hate that.

2008 - Doctors appointment with stress induced anxiety led to Citalopram prescription.

Severe adverse reaction

Mirtazapine prescribed - adverse reaction but told to stay on.

Poop out - December 2013

15mg

Currently on 13.5mg,

April 12mg

May 10th - 11mg

June 10th - 10mg

July 8th - 9mg

September - 0mg

Link to comment
  • Moderator Emeritus

If only this healing were a linear process. I suppose as one part heals another part has to wait it's turn to do so. Each wave may be a different part of the brain taking its turn. Like a ripple effect, maybe. One part heals, then the other parts have to adjust and heal accordingly.

1988-2012: Prozac @ 60mg (with a few stops and starts)

Fall 2012: Returned to 40mg after discontinuing and horrid withdrawal 

Fall 2013: 40mg Fluoxetine, added 150mg Wellbutrin to treat fatigue 

Winter 2014: Attempting to taper both (too fast)

April 2014: 9mg Fluoxetine + 37.5 Wellbutrin 

Summer 2014: 8 mg Fluoxetine + 0 Wellbutrin (way too fast a drop)

Late summer/Early Fall 2014: Debilitating Withdrawal symptoms 

Fall 2014 - Wellbutrin successfully kicked to the curb but…

Oct- Dec 2014: Panicked reinstatement of Fluoxetine ->30mg - held for 5yrs

Jan 2021: taper to 20mg Fluoxetine  then tapering by 1mg every 2-3 months

Fall 2022 - held at 10mg->December 2022: 9mg->Feb 2023: 8mg ->March 2023: brassmonkey slide begins: 7.8mg -> 7.6 -> 7.4->2 week hold (April)->7.2->7mg->6.8->2 week hold->6.6-> 1-month hold ->(June)-6.5->4-week hold-> (July)-6.4 (discontinued brassmonkey slide and slowed taper)-> (Aug)-6.2->(Sept)-6.0->(Oct)-5.9->(Nov)-5.8->(Dec)-5.7->wave!->(Jan)-5.8->(Feb)-6mg and holding.

 

My 2014 withdrawal experience: https://rxisk.org/antidepressant-withdrawal-a-prozac-story/

 

Link to comment
  • Moderator Emeritus

Petu, what you describe reminds me so much of Gianna's descriptions of her healing process, the three steps forward and two back thing especially, and being able to handle so much one day then back bedridden the next, etc. Not that any of that is unusual for withdrawal, but I thought I'd mention it because it's not the first time I've found myself mentally making that comparison when reading your posts.

 

I just wonder, if you aren't already doing so, if you might find some support by reading her blog, or even talking to her.

 

And G is doing SO much better now. It's a long journey, but there's light at the end.

Started on Prozac and Xanax in 1992 for PTSD after an assault. One drug led to more, the usual story. Got sicker and sicker, but believed I needed the drugs for my "underlying disease". Long story...lost everything. Life savings, home, physical and mental health, relationships, friendships, ability to work, everything. Amitryptiline, Prozac, bupropion, buspirone, flurazepam, diazepam, alprazolam, Paxil, citalopram, lamotrigine, gabapentin...probably more I've forgotten. 

Started multidrug taper in Feb 2010.  Doing a very slow microtaper, down to low doses now and feeling SO much better, getting my old personality and my brain back! Able to work full time, have a full social life, and cope with stress better than ever. Not perfect, but much better. After 23 lost years. Big Pharma has a lot to answer for. And "medicine for profit" is just not a great idea.

 

Feb 15 2010:  300 mg Neurontin  200 Lamictal   10 Celexa      0.65 Xanax   and 5 mg Ambien 

Feb 10 2014:   62 Lamictal    1.1 Celexa         0.135 Xanax    1.8 Valium

Feb 10 2015:   50 Lamictal      0.875 Celexa    0.11 Xanax      1.5 Valium

Feb 15 2016:   47.5 Lamictal   0.75 Celexa      0.0875 Xanax    1.42 Valium    

2/12/20             12                       0.045               0.007                   1 

May 2021            7                       0.01                  0.0037                1

Feb 2022            6                      0!!!                     0.00167               0.98                2.5 mg Ambien

Oct 2022       4.5 mg Lamictal    (off Celexa, off Xanax)   0.95 Valium    Ambien, 1/4 to 1/2 of a 5 mg tablet 

 

I'm not a doctor. Any advice I give is just my civilian opinion.

Link to comment
  • Moderator

Hi Petu-- I'm so sorry to hear about the wave hitting you. I've had it happen that way a couple of times, had a great day or two and wham it hits even harder.  It really takes the wind out of you.  Please don't let it upset you, it's just the drugs playing their nasty little games, and you will still be able to remember the good times about the drumming.  You're not letting any of us down, we have all been there and know that we have no control over it, that's one of the biggest frustrations.

 

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

BTW: Lizzy Bowden was a fantastic long bowler. LOL

20 years on Paxil starting at 20mg and working up to 40mg. Sept 2011 started 10% every 6 weeks taper (2.5% every week for 4 weeks then hold for 2 additional weeks), currently at 7.9mg. Oct 2011 CTed 15oz vodka a night, to only drinking 2 beers most nights, totally sober Feb 2013.

Since I wrote this I have continued to decrease my dose by 10% every 6 weeks (2.5% every week for 4 weeks and then hold for an additional 2 weeks). I added in an extra 6 week hold when I hit 10mg to let things settle out even more. When I hit 3mgpw it became hard to split the drop into 4 parts so I switched to dropping 1mgpw (pill weight) every week for 3 weeks and then holding for another 3 weeks.  The 3 + 3 schedule turned out to be too harsh so I cut back to dropping 1mgpw every 4 weeks which is working better.

Final Dose 0.016mg.     Current dose 0.000mg 04-15-2017

 

"It's also important not to become angry, no matter how difficult life is, because you can loose all hope if you can't laugh at yourself and at life in general."  Stephen Hawking

Link to comment

Petu,

 

I'm so pleased to hear of your window. :)

I'm sorry it was followed by a bit of a bump. But, you do seem to be making tremendous progress, at least since I have been here. I remember reading your posts in early Fall of last year, and there has been a marked difference.

 

I wish you continued endurance and progress towards the light that glimmers at the end of your tunnel.

2005-Zoloft bad reaction.....2006-Lexepro......2012-Upped Lexepro.......2013-Upped Lexepro......2/2014- Attempted Taper Lexepro...2/2014- Updosed Lexepro.......3/2014-Ativan.....5/2014- CT switch from Lexpro to Effexor.....

5/2014-7/2014-Tapered Ativan from 1mg to .25mg.....6/2014-Bad reaction to Effexor........7/2014- Rapid taper Effexor every other day......7/5/2014- Off Effexor.......7/2014-12/2014 - Ativan .25mg.......12/25/2014 -Taper Ativan by 4% due to paradoxical reaction .24mg...11/18/2015-Taper Ativan 1% CURRENTLY ON: .2376mg Ativan taken in 6 .0396mg doses.

Link to comment
  • Moderator Emeritus

'Petunia', I see you have blossomed my friend.  I like it

Please note - I am not a medical practitioner and I do not give medical advice. I offer an opinion based on my own experiences, reading and discussion with others.On Effexor for 2 months at the start of 2005. Had extreme insomnia as an adverse reaction. Changed to mirtazapine. Have been trying to get off since mid 2008 with numerous failures including CTs and slow (but not slow enough tapers)Have slow tapered at 10 per cent or less for years. I have liquid mirtazapine made at a compounding chemist.

Was on 1.6 ml as at 19 March 2014.

Dropped to 1.5 ml 7 June 2014. Dropped to 1.4 in about September.

Dropped to 1.3 on 20 December 2014. Dropped to 1.2 in mid Jan 2015.

Dropped to 1 ml in late Feb 2015. I think my old medication had run out of puff so I tried 1ml when I got the new stuff and it seems to be going ok. Sleep has been good over the last week (as of 13/3/15).

Dropped to 1/2 ml 14/11/15 Fatigue still there as are memory and cognition problems. Sleep is patchy but liveable compared to what it has been in the past.

 

DRUG FREE - as at 1st May 2017

 

>My intro post is here - http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/2250-dalsaan

Link to comment
  • Moderator Emeritus

Thanks D, yes my pseudonym has been reunited with its tail :)  

 

I just wonder, if you aren't already doing so, if you might find some support by reading her blog, or even talking to her.

 

And G is doing SO much better now. It's a long journey, but there's light at the end.

 

Yes, this is a good idea, I do follow her current posts, but perhaps I should look back through the archives.  I'm actually feeling better today though, the bump didn't turn into an extended wave and I slept well last night.

I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one.

My Introduction Thread

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes

Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine

Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered

Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days.

April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close.

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 

Link to comment

"Petunia" I love it... :)

The awful waves...I know them so very well...

Keep on the way you are dear Petu, you will get there.

 

Hugs.

4 years aprox. on 150mgs.Effexor for situational major depression.No AD before.
Tapered 150-0mgs in 3 months.

Tapered Quetiapine,Xanax in the last 18 months.NO med of any kind anymore.
First 3 months off acute w/d
Protracted w/d ever since.
Symptoms:Anxiety,anhedonia,insomnia,tinnitus,PSSD

04/13/2014 Awful Relapse.Recovered fairly fast.

3 years and 4 months off.

waves and windows.Very much recovered.

November 2015,health issue.Setback.
 

 

Link to comment
  • Moderator Emeritus

'Petunia', I see you have blossomed my friend.  I like it

 

Yar!  I was reading someone else's thread, and I saw these wise supportive comments from "Petunia" and look!  She's using Petu's window!  How dense am I!  It took me a full 5 minutes to put Petu and "Petunia" together!  

 

Congratulations on your blooming!   :D

"Easy, easy - just go easy and you'll finish." - Hawaiian Kapuna

 

Holding is hard work, holding is a blessing. Give your brain time to heal before you try again.

 

My suggestions are not medical advice, you are in charge of your own medical choices.

 

A lifetime of being prescribed antidepressants that caused problems (30 years in total). At age 35 flipped to "bipolar," but was not diagnosed for 5 years. Started my journey in Midwest United States. Crossed the Pacific for love and hope; currently living in Australia.   CT Seroquel 25 mg some time in 2013.   Tapered Reboxetine 4 mg Oct 2013 to Sept 2014 = GONE (3 years on Reboxetine).     Tapered Lithium 900 to 475 MG (alternating with the SNRI) Jan 2014 - Nov 2014, tapered Lithium 475 mg Jan 2015 -  Feb 2016 = GONE (10 years  on Lithium).  Many mistakes in dry cutting dosages were made.


The tedious thread (my intro):  JanCarol ☼ Reboxetine first, then Lithium

The happy thread (my success story):  JanCarol - Undiagnosed  Off all bipolar drugs

My own blog:  https://shamanexplorations.com/shamans-blog/

 

 

I have been psych drug FREE since 1 Feb 2016!

Link to comment
  • Moderator Emeritus

Thanks Alex and JC.

 

I'm having a better day today, yesterday was awful, will write more about that in a minute but I feel like explaining about the name change.  When I first found this site I was in a desperate state, I was at my wits end dealing with symptoms for over 2 years and not knowing what was going on. I had read some of the information here, but was still in disbelief and needed some validation of my own situation.

 

I tried to sign up and needed a name,  I really didn't care, I just wanted some help.  A flower, that would do.  I tried 'flower', not accepted.  Then I tried 'daffodil', then 'daisy', nope, was starting to get frustrated. I knew rose would be taken so I tried 'Petunia', but that wasn't accepted either, I remember saying out loud to myself "Oh for goodness sakes".  I started backspacing thinking maybe I should just give up then suddenly it was accepted, "Petu", a bit weird, but it would do.  After a while, I started getting attached to it, I became a Petu, whatever that was.

 

Anyway, back to what I logged on to write about.

 

I think my symptom pattern has changed.  When I get a wave, its still pretty bad, but they're not lasting as long.  The one I had last week lasted one day and yesterday was one day.

 

So my pattern last week was a tolerable baseline most days and wave days Tuesday and Saturday.  Monday afternoon might have been a slight window and one day this week I walked to the park in the early evening and sat by the lake and for about 10 minutes and felt some good feelings, like contentment, bliss, peace and appreciation.  There was no fear or anxiety buzzing through my body, so I felt safe and I was able to relax.  I don't think 'being in nature' does much good if your body is in fight/flight/freeze mode and being outside just makes you feel more vulnerable, so it was nice to be able to benefit from the healing power of nature for a change.

 

Mornings are still bad, but unless its a wave day, I'm starting to feel better by about lunch time.

 

Yesterday was filled with neuro-emotions and I was hot, couldn't get comfortable, couldn't focus on anything, lots of self criticism and hopelessness.  The feeling of the floor under my feet was annoying me, I thought it needed cleaning, so I swept and vacuumed, all the time feeling worse and worse.  I got hotter and dizzier, my brain wasn't working properly, I was being irrational, but I couldn't figure it out because my brain wasn't working properly.

 

In a state of despair and exhaustion, about 3pm, I gave up trying to fix me by fixing stuff around the house.  I wish I could say that I figured out that it wasn't working, but the truth is I just couldn't keep going, so I laid back down on my bed, defeated and still miserable.  I found something to listen to on youtube, to stop the negative thoughts and eventually fell asleep.  That was new, falling asleep in the afternoon and staying asleep and not waking up in a panic.  I woke up about 6pm and felt a bit better.  That was also new, waking up and feeling better.

 

I long for the day when I can wake up in the morning feeling normally morning-like, needing a cup of coffee to wake me up properly, or not even the coffee thing, just feeling ok enough to get dressed and leave the house, so I can get back to the gym and do some morning classes.

 

Something else new, I just remembered.  I don't know if this was last night or this morning.  For the first time since going into WD I was able to meditate 'properly', the way I used to be able to.  Just for a few minutes, but I finally managed to achieve that state of deep relaxation which I used to be able to slip into so easily.

 

Once I'm recovered, I don't think I will take feeling 'just ok', for granted ever again.  These drugs stole my ability to naturally be able to achieve a state of peace, when it comes back I'm never going to risk losing it again.

I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one.

My Introduction Thread

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes

Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine

Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered

Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days.

April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close.

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 

Link to comment

So happy to hear of your continued improvement. :) It is really really inspiring.

2005-Zoloft bad reaction.....2006-Lexepro......2012-Upped Lexepro.......2013-Upped Lexepro......2/2014- Attempted Taper Lexepro...2/2014- Updosed Lexepro.......3/2014-Ativan.....5/2014- CT switch from Lexpro to Effexor.....

5/2014-7/2014-Tapered Ativan from 1mg to .25mg.....6/2014-Bad reaction to Effexor........7/2014- Rapid taper Effexor every other day......7/5/2014- Off Effexor.......7/2014-12/2014 - Ativan .25mg.......12/25/2014 -Taper Ativan by 4% due to paradoxical reaction .24mg...11/18/2015-Taper Ativan 1% CURRENTLY ON: .2376mg Ativan taken in 6 .0396mg doses.

Link to comment
  • Moderator Emeritus

Thanks D, yes my pseudonym has been reunited with its tail :)  

 

I just wonder, if you aren't already doing so, if you might find some support by reading her blog, or even talking to her.

 

And G is doing SO much better now. It's a long journey, but there's light at the end.

 

Yes, this is a good idea, I do follow her current posts, but perhaps I should look back through the archives.  I'm actually feeling better today though, the bump didn't turn into an extended wave and I slept well last night.

 

Yes, if you have time to read back through some of her history...she may have a page that describes it. She was just coming off her last med when I met her back in 2010, and so much about the patterns and pace of your recovery reminds me of hers, except that yours is slightly accelerated compared to hers.

Started on Prozac and Xanax in 1992 for PTSD after an assault. One drug led to more, the usual story. Got sicker and sicker, but believed I needed the drugs for my "underlying disease". Long story...lost everything. Life savings, home, physical and mental health, relationships, friendships, ability to work, everything. Amitryptiline, Prozac, bupropion, buspirone, flurazepam, diazepam, alprazolam, Paxil, citalopram, lamotrigine, gabapentin...probably more I've forgotten. 

Started multidrug taper in Feb 2010.  Doing a very slow microtaper, down to low doses now and feeling SO much better, getting my old personality and my brain back! Able to work full time, have a full social life, and cope with stress better than ever. Not perfect, but much better. After 23 lost years. Big Pharma has a lot to answer for. And "medicine for profit" is just not a great idea.

 

Feb 15 2010:  300 mg Neurontin  200 Lamictal   10 Celexa      0.65 Xanax   and 5 mg Ambien 

Feb 10 2014:   62 Lamictal    1.1 Celexa         0.135 Xanax    1.8 Valium

Feb 10 2015:   50 Lamictal      0.875 Celexa    0.11 Xanax      1.5 Valium

Feb 15 2016:   47.5 Lamictal   0.75 Celexa      0.0875 Xanax    1.42 Valium    

2/12/20             12                       0.045               0.007                   1 

May 2021            7                       0.01                  0.0037                1

Feb 2022            6                      0!!!                     0.00167               0.98                2.5 mg Ambien

Oct 2022       4.5 mg Lamictal    (off Celexa, off Xanax)   0.95 Valium    Ambien, 1/4 to 1/2 of a 5 mg tablet 

 

I'm not a doctor. Any advice I give is just my civilian opinion.

Link to comment

Hi Petunia. I always wondered what a Petu was!! I like the name Petunia very much.

 

Gosh, I really liked reading your most recent post. Your healing is starting to shine through. That you could meditate and get some of the same benefits from it as you did in your past is huge! That's one of my goals..to be able to meditate again. That you were able to sit by the lake and feel those wonderful emotions is massive. That you fell asleep in the afternoon and woke up with no panic is fantastic.

 

It's brilliant that your waves are getting shorter.

 

Your brain is waking up. Healing is happening. The buds of a new life are slowly opening ready to blossom into beautiful flowers. Changing from Petus into Petunias. I think the name change has happened at a significant time..at a key stage in your healing.

 

Keep going, brave, inspiring lady!

The only way out is through.

 

Aug 2013 - Augmentin leading to akathisia

Sept-Nov 2013 - Citalopram 20mg, severe reaction, off at 5mg. Valium 4mg, prn

Oct 2013 - 5 zopiclone tablets, 7.5mg

End Nov 2013-end Feb 2014, Seroquel, top dose 150mg, off at 25mg

End Nov 2013-early march 2014, Zoloft 100mg top dose, off at 25mg

End Dec-2013-early April 2014, lorazepam 1mg prn

April 3rd 2014 zoloft 5mg for a few days. 18/4/14 - zoloft, 1mg. Came off at 0.35 mg,14th June 2014

29 June 2014 - 1mg lorazepam, last ever

29 June 2014 - med free

Link to comment

Hi Petunia - Just stopping in to say hi, I just finished reading your entire thread. I have been socked with a cold so used the time reading. CW recommended your thread after I read through hers. Wow! You've been such an inspiration and encouragement to so many, even in your worst times of struggling. I'm getting nervous since I'm only beginning my wd journey after 40 years of psych. drug use. But I'm gonna do it. Just like you. Thanks for sharing it all. -- Chia

Read my intro here: http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/7569-chia1214-tapering-lamotrigine-maybe-clonazapam-later/#entry110043

1975 Hospitalized and first exposure to psych. drugs age 13-15 Haldol, Tofranil, Cogentin, Thorazine. On and off numerous AD’s & AP’s no records until 2000

2000 Celexa, Clonazepam 1mg – never exceeded 1 mg except occasional emergency use

2004 Lamictal (Lamotrigine), Effexor, recall add-on trials of Lexapro, Prozac, Wellbutrin during this time also

2007 Lithium added, switch Effexor to Pristiq, still on Lamictal (Lamotrigine) Clonazepam. Some cold turkey quits of everything over the years. No knowledge of WD

2011 Lithuim Gabapentin Lunestra, Lamictal (Lamotrigine), Clonazepam

2012 Taken off all but Lamictal (Lamotrigine), Clonazepam, began Zyprexa

2013 Abilify replaced Zyprexa (high lipids) added Wellbutrin, Prozac, Adderall

2014 Discontinued Abilify, Wellbutrin, Prozac, Adderall, added Latuda, Quetiapine, then stopped those.

December 2014 Found SA Began slow taper of the only remaining two drugs I'm taking

Clonazepam 0 mg Benzo free as of May 30, 2017

Lamotrigine 0 mg as of Jan 7, 2018   

Link to comment
  • Moderator Emeritus

I loved reading about you being outside and enjoying the experience Petunia. ( love Petunias :wub: )  You have struggled and been so very ill yet still came here to offer support and care to others, you've been amazing in my book! I am really glad to see that your windows are better than ever, you will soon be back at the gym and crafting again  :)

**I am not a medical professional, if in doubt please consult a doctor with withdrawal knowledge.

 

 

Different drugs occasionally (mostly benzos) 1976 - 1981 (no problem)

1993 - 2002 in and out of hospital. every type of drug + ECT. Staring with seroxat

2002  effexor. 

Tapered  March 2012 to March 2013, ending with 5 beads.

Withdrawal April 2013 . Reinstated 5 beads reduced to 4 beads May 2013

Restarted taper  Nov 2013  

OFF EFFEXOR Feb 2015    :D 

Tapered atenolol and omeprazole Dec 2013 - May 2014

 

Tapering tramadol, Feb 2015 100mg , March 2015 50mg  

 July 2017 30mg.  May 15 2018 25mg

Taking fish oil, magnesium, B12, folic acid, bilberry eyebright for eye pressure. 

 

My story http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/4199-hello-mammap-checking-in/page-33

 

Lesson learned, slow down taper at lower doses. Taper no more than 10% of CURRENT dose if possible

 

 

Link to comment

 

Then at 5am was slammed into full consciousness by yet another strange voice.  This time I sat up, put my light on and wrote it down.  It was a male voice and it said:

 

"The outfit left Lizzy Bowden the leader in distance bowling"  :wacko:

 

If he ever comes back could you ask what kind of outfit are we talking about. Just curious. I`d like to be a good bowler too :)

08 Cipralex 10mg for about 6 months. 11-12 Cipralex 20mg. Unsuccesful WD. 12-13 Zoloft 100mg with Diazepam 10-20mg as needed for anxiety.
Fall 13 Tapering Zoloft 100->50->25->12,5->0 in 2,5 months and CT Diazepam. 12/24/13 RI Zoloft 12,5mg
.

1/21/14 11mg

3/18/14 9,9mg

2/18/14 8mg

4/22/14 7,6mg

5/5/14 7,2mg

5/12/14 -> cutting 0,5mg per week, holding when necessary.

8/18/14 -> cutting 0,25mg per week holding when necessary.

10/20/2014 -> cutting 0,1mg per week, holding when necessary.
12/28/2014 Jump!

Link to comment

Hiya Petunia

 

Just wondering if you tried 'Bimuno', I think it's called? The sachets that you ordered online?

2000 - sertraline for job anxiety low confidence (17 years old) ..which turned the next 16 years into nightmare!

 

On/off sertraline severe withdrawals every time. 2014 - felt better as reduced dose of sertraline no more inner restlessness. Doctor rushed off again. Hit severe withdrawal. Lost the little I had in life. Couldn't get stable again on 12.5mg. Was switched to prozac. Had severe reaction to prozac..came off in November 2015 at 6mg as felt more confused and damaged on it..Even more withdrawal ..rage, depression, dyphoria, near constant suicidal ideation, self harm impulses, doom, concrete block in head, unable to do much of anything with this feeling in head..went back on 6mg of sertraline to see if would alleviate anything. It didn't..reduced from December to June 2016 came off at 2.5mg sertraline as was hospitalised for the severe rage, suicidal impulses, and put on 50mg lofepramine which in 2nd week reduced all symptoms but gave insomnia which still have..psych stopped lofepramine cold turkey..no increased withdrawal symptoms new symptoms from lofepramine except persistant insomnia which has as side effect.

 

Taking Ativan for 8 months for the severe rage self harm impulses 1-3 times a week (mostly 2 times a week) at .5mg. Two months (I'm unsure exactly when the interdose started to happen) ago interdose withdrawal seemed to happen..2 days I think after the Ativan.

 

 

Nightmare that could have been avoided!

Link to comment

Hi Petu,

 

Just browsing around and getting caught up with folks since i have been offline for a bit. Great to read your post and adventures! really so great to read about window times! hopefulness abounds!

Blessings!

Poke

7 yrs Lexapro 10 mg. Mar/2011 - 1 month taper. Severe W/D. Multiple symptoms.Gallbladder and parathyroid surgery in Aug and Oct. Disability 3 months.  Dec/2011 reinstated 5mg Lex and went back to work. very bad shape.

By Aug/2012 - self tapered to 1.25 mg cutting pills. -very bad shape. Nov/2012  Dr. Hinz neuro-replete. up and down. Aug/2013 at aprox 1.0 mg Lex stopped neuro-replete ~Oct 2013 Found this site  ~ began using compounded Lexapro and have been micro tapering since then and holding as needed.

11/6/2013 -  0.6 mg

2/1/2018 - .135 mg  Now reducing 5-10% per month 

4/1/18 - .1 mg

4/17/18 - changed delivery from compounded individual caps to aliquot. went from .1 mg to .09 aliquot

7/4/2018 - .09 mg Holding due to wave of W/D symptoms

7/22/18 updosed to .1 mg aliquot

9/30/18 - reduced to .0975 aliquot

2/1/19 - updosed to .1 mg aliquot due to instability bad wave W/D

9/12/19 - back to .1 mg individual caps since could not get stable using aliquot

Link to comment
  • Moderator Emeritus

Thank you so much everyone for your recent comments.  I'm not up to answering individually today apart from:

 

Just wondering if you tried 'Bimuno', I think it's called? The sachets that you ordered online?

 

I'm still waiting for it to arrive, its been a month since I ordered it :( I emailed them yesterday trying to find out what's going on.  Shipping from UK to Australia is slower than from the US, but not this slow.

__________________________________________________

 

Today's update:

 

Its gone bad again :(   I knew I was heading somewhere unpleasant yesterday when I couldn't carry through with my plans in the afternoon.  Last night was full of dark, frightening dreams.  Actually, they weren't so much frightening as repulsive and disturbing.  There are some places I just don't want to go, but I'm being forced to as I sleep. I don't want to be doing the things I'm doing in my dreams, its not me, but I'm in situations where I have no control, I'm powerless, I'm trying to survive.  There was no escape from the fear last night and I woke feeling nauseated and completely exhausted, shaking and feeling vulnerable, just wanting it all to go away.

 

It doesn't matter that I had a few good days recently, that's all cancelled out by this current state, its all I can connect to now.  I got up and wandered around the house, wondering how I was going to get through the rest of the day feeling like this again. Nothing is working again, my brain/thoughts are distorted, everything has gone negative.  The fear is like a swirling storm in my stomach and it rises up into my throat.  What is this?  Why wont it go away?  As far as I can remember, I've never been in situations like the ones in my dreams, but they felt so real and now my body is acting like as if it was real.  I guess its stuff from my unconscious, things I've seen in movies or on TV, awful things I've heard or read about.

 

I went for a walk, trying to escape from the feelings, at 7:30 in the morning.  But it was like walking through a dark tunnel, even though the sun was bright.  I just wasn't there, I couldn't connect with anything around me.  The peace and contentment from a few days ago had gone.  When I took off my shoes to try and feel the soft, damp grass beneath my feet, there was nothing.  I've been overtaken by the horror of existence again :(

 

I came home and did a few chores outside, changed a broken sprinkler, moved a hose, all the time feeling disgust and despair and hopelessness.  I don't want to be here any more, living this 'life'.  I was hot and sweaty, itchy, so I had a shower.  It stopped the physical discomfort, but the psychological agony continues and the fear is still raging through my body, not quite as bad as when I first woke up though.

 

Have the drugs really done this to me?  It feels like a punishment for something unforgivable I once did, but can't quite remember.  There is so much shame too, because I'm supposed to be able to fix this, to fix myself, to find someone else who can fix it.  I'm supposed to be helping myself, taking care of myself, being an adult, but I can't do it.

 

I saw my neighbor drive into his driveway as I left for my walk at 7:30.  He's a little older than me, has some health problems, his wife died about a year ago and he's alone now, but he's over his grief and active, he tells me he has a good life and is quite happy now, or would be if it wasn't for our neighbors from hell across the street, which he is continually at war with.  I watched him turn into his driveway, wondering where he had been and wished I was him, rather than me.  I've never wanted to be anyone but myself before, even during my most difficult times, I've never wished to be someone else.  But today I did.  I know this is a wave and it will pass, but I don't want it.  I've had enough.

 

The recent glimmers of light have been extinguished, its dark again, and when its dark, its dark, you can't see any light.  Remembering that once there was light, doesn't make it any less dark, not really.  Its dark, you can't see.  You can't see beyond the darkness.  Right now I can't see beyond this darkness.  Once again, I'm alone in the dark and the dark is in me, that's all there is, fear and darkness.

 

I want to experience love and light, but these drugs have cut me off from the source of all that is good.  I've been banished and cast down into an underworld where fear and hopelessness are the energy on which everything runs.  Before drugs, there was darkness and fear, it visited at times, that's part of being human.  But there was always a way to climb back up into the light, where the good feelings would be waiting, along with hope and joy and wonder and enough energy to keep creating more of what is good. But the drugs have broken my climbing tools.

 

There's a crow, squawking outside.  I wonder if it would be better to be a crow than me right now.

 

Writing this seems to be helping slightly.  Something is moving, I'm not feeling so completely stuck in it and helpless, like a victim of something beyond my control.  It might be beyond my control, but I can choose how I respond to it..... by communicating it, expressing it, getting it moving through, rather than leaving it stuck inside.

 

This isn't me, it doesn't belong to me.  I don't know where it came from or why its here, hanging around in the corners of my rooms, like an ancient curse, waiting to pounce on me over and over, whenever I let my guard down and start to relax.  I'm doing battle with a demon who's will seems as strong as my own, back and forth we go, fighting for ownership of my soul.

 

Its somehow easier to see this struggle as a fight between me and something outside of me, maybe because then I can imagine myself winning and finally escaping from this ongoing torment.  I will be the victor, the hero in this epic battle.  I will conquer the demon named withdrawal and claim back my life and live out the rest of it in peace :)

 

But I'm tired and can't fight any more, or run, but the moment I freeze and give into helplessness, I sense the slow, cold, icy claws of something moving closer and closer, bringing with it a paper bag to carry away my soul as its prize.  So here we sit, staring at each other, if I appear calm and in control, its easily fooled and doesn't come any closer.

 

These thoughts and ideas could easily be mistaken for psychosis.  Do I believe I'm being stalked by a demon who wants my soul? :wacko:  No, but writing about what I'm going through in this way helps me feel more in control of something which otherwise seems completely overwhelming and beyond my own understanding.  Whatever helps I suppose. Writing my way back to sanity.

 

This is one of those times I don't want to click the post button.

 

So maybe I can find more to write and avoid it a while longer.  The reason I don't want to post today is because once I stop typing, I'm going to be at the mercy of my feelings again without this to distract me.  Maybe I could try going for another walk, but ugh! The thoughts about the walk earlier just came flooding back and I felt instantly sick again....followed by a downward spiral of negative thoughts and self criticism.

 

Now this isn't even helping, its getting worse.  I need to get out of the house, away from myself.

I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one.

My Introduction Thread

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes

Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine

Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered

Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days.

April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close.

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 

Link to comment

Sorry to read of your current bad wave. Reading your post makes me sad...I can relate to everything and to think their is others out there feeling this horror just breaks my heart. I posted earlier about the awful nightmare I had last night. Gruesome and only something our mind altered brains could experience.

 

The darkness!....yeah, couldn't possibly get any darker...even on the brightest of days...why?

 

Just remember - this will pass. The good days will start coming more often, the dark, horrific, hellish days will slowly dwindle.

 

Thinking of you. You are going to be ok.

2008 - Doctors appointment with stress induced anxiety led to Citalopram prescription.

Severe adverse reaction

Mirtazapine prescribed - adverse reaction but told to stay on.

Poop out - December 2013

15mg

Currently on 13.5mg,

April 12mg

May 10th - 11mg

June 10th - 10mg

July 8th - 9mg

September - 0mg

Link to comment

So sorry to hear Petu hug xxxx

2000 - sertraline for job anxiety low confidence (17 years old) ..which turned the next 16 years into nightmare!

 

On/off sertraline severe withdrawals every time. 2014 - felt better as reduced dose of sertraline no more inner restlessness. Doctor rushed off again. Hit severe withdrawal. Lost the little I had in life. Couldn't get stable again on 12.5mg. Was switched to prozac. Had severe reaction to prozac..came off in November 2015 at 6mg as felt more confused and damaged on it..Even more withdrawal ..rage, depression, dyphoria, near constant suicidal ideation, self harm impulses, doom, concrete block in head, unable to do much of anything with this feeling in head..went back on 6mg of sertraline to see if would alleviate anything. It didn't..reduced from December to June 2016 came off at 2.5mg sertraline as was hospitalised for the severe rage, suicidal impulses, and put on 50mg lofepramine which in 2nd week reduced all symptoms but gave insomnia which still have..psych stopped lofepramine cold turkey..no increased withdrawal symptoms new symptoms from lofepramine except persistant insomnia which has as side effect.

 

Taking Ativan for 8 months for the severe rage self harm impulses 1-3 times a week (mostly 2 times a week) at .5mg. Two months (I'm unsure exactly when the interdose started to happen) ago interdose withdrawal seemed to happen..2 days I think after the Ativan.

 

 

Nightmare that could have been avoided!

Link to comment

One less day of the dark side.  One more day of healing.   One day closer to the final closing of the door that allowed the darkness into your mind.  If only we could leap from today and into the final healing, the place of safety and comfort. 

 

You wrote to me to live each moment, one at a time, and so move through the pain and onto the healing.  I repeat that over and over and over each moment of my life.  Sometimes when I hear a clock ticking, I see time moving away from this agony and onto relief.  It reminds me that I have to do absolutely nothing to bring about a healing.  It is in the ticking of the clock. 

 

When I was recovering from a brutal c/t w/d some 30 years ago, I would walk around and around my neighborhood because I was buried in my own brain and could not stay still.   I would hear the cooing of Mourning Doves as I pushed through the coffin that held me, and it terrified me.  I felt as though they were calling me into death, a living death. 

 

I know how horrifying the sounds of crows must be.  But in time, when you have come out of this, you will feel power over those crows.  You will have won. 

 

I am so grateful to you for your posts here that describe so completely the experience of watching a brain in chaos express its agony of struggle to regain itself.  I think, thank God, I am the only human being living in insanity while somehow still sane.  I see my sanity as a tiny little room that I try to live in and keep the door locked so that the darkness will not overtake me completely.  But everyday I think that this is the day it will break though and take me away.  But I can see that you are still safe, and it helps me to believe that maybe I will be too. 

1971-81  Valium 5mg c/t PAWS     1992- through now Zoloft 25mg    2003-05 Valium 12mg Slow Taper Off

2013 Afrin Exposure to CNS    2013 O/D Val 230mg    2013 Doxepin 50mg Clonidine 2mg Zoloft 25mg

3/15/16  Doxepin 49mg Micro Tapering  Zoloft 24.3mg Holding taper

3/15/16 Clonidine mg 0.1 1/2 -    Decreasing incrementally.  DISCONTINUED

10/9/16  Doxepin 48.9  Zoloft 24.3  Clonidine  01.10  Continuing micro taper on Doxepin.

11/16/16 Doxepin 48mg  Zoloft 24.3mg  Clonidine 1.30mg

5/4/17  Doxepin 45mg  Zoloft 24mg  Clonidine 1.20mg   Micro taper of Doxepin  , Clonidine

01/13/19  Doxepin 45mg   Zoloft 21mg   Will start Micro taper of Doxepin 2/19

12/21/21  Doxepin 20 mg ?  Reducing using water micro taper--Pulling 24ml from 75ml

12/2121   Zoloft .060 grams by weight--HOLDING (info from post added by CC: On 12/21/21 my dosage was .060grams by weight or 20mg. )

26 Apr 2022 - Zoloft at -0-

 

Link to comment

("I am not the only human being")

1971-81  Valium 5mg c/t PAWS     1992- through now Zoloft 25mg    2003-05 Valium 12mg Slow Taper Off

2013 Afrin Exposure to CNS    2013 O/D Val 230mg    2013 Doxepin 50mg Clonidine 2mg Zoloft 25mg

3/15/16  Doxepin 49mg Micro Tapering  Zoloft 24.3mg Holding taper

3/15/16 Clonidine mg 0.1 1/2 -    Decreasing incrementally.  DISCONTINUED

10/9/16  Doxepin 48.9  Zoloft 24.3  Clonidine  01.10  Continuing micro taper on Doxepin.

11/16/16 Doxepin 48mg  Zoloft 24.3mg  Clonidine 1.30mg

5/4/17  Doxepin 45mg  Zoloft 24mg  Clonidine 1.20mg   Micro taper of Doxepin  , Clonidine

01/13/19  Doxepin 45mg   Zoloft 21mg   Will start Micro taper of Doxepin 2/19

12/21/21  Doxepin 20 mg ?  Reducing using water micro taper--Pulling 24ml from 75ml

12/2121   Zoloft .060 grams by weight--HOLDING (info from post added by CC: On 12/21/21 my dosage was .060grams by weight or 20mg. )

26 Apr 2022 - Zoloft at -0-

 

Link to comment
  • Moderator

One moment at a time, one day at a time and the light will return.  The drugs are hitting you with a really nasty wave, but it will soon wash past.  Just do what ever it takes to get through.

 

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

20 years on Paxil starting at 20mg and working up to 40mg. Sept 2011 started 10% every 6 weeks taper (2.5% every week for 4 weeks then hold for 2 additional weeks), currently at 7.9mg. Oct 2011 CTed 15oz vodka a night, to only drinking 2 beers most nights, totally sober Feb 2013.

Since I wrote this I have continued to decrease my dose by 10% every 6 weeks (2.5% every week for 4 weeks and then hold for an additional 2 weeks). I added in an extra 6 week hold when I hit 10mg to let things settle out even more. When I hit 3mgpw it became hard to split the drop into 4 parts so I switched to dropping 1mgpw (pill weight) every week for 3 weeks and then holding for another 3 weeks.  The 3 + 3 schedule turned out to be too harsh so I cut back to dropping 1mgpw every 4 weeks which is working better.

Final Dose 0.016mg.     Current dose 0.000mg 04-15-2017

 

"It's also important not to become angry, no matter how difficult life is, because you can loose all hope if you can't laugh at yourself and at life in general."  Stephen Hawking

Link to comment
  • Moderator Emeritus

*Note to self

 

The Bimuno just arrived and I mixed the first sachet in with some Lavender tea.

Schmidt, 2014 Prebiotic intake reduces the waking cortisol response and alters emotional bias in healthy volunteers

..... I'm still in a wave, feeling awful and don't think this is going to help, but I'll try it anyway.

 

The instructions on the box say it will work to increase 'good' gut bacteria in 7 days. I don't care about that, I just want this cortisol/adrenaline stuff to stop.  Again this morning 5am, there it was, like a switch had been flicked and the steaming tide started to rise, filling my body with heat and pressure, dragging me from sleep.

 

Today isn't as bad as the last 3 days have been.

I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one.

My Introduction Thread

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes

Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine

Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered

Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days.

April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close.

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 

Link to comment
  • Moderator Emeritus

Glad to hear today was better. I hope the prebiotic works to curb the waking cortisol quickly and that this wave has passed by the time you read this.

1988-2012: Prozac @ 60mg (with a few stops and starts)

Fall 2012: Returned to 40mg after discontinuing and horrid withdrawal 

Fall 2013: 40mg Fluoxetine, added 150mg Wellbutrin to treat fatigue 

Winter 2014: Attempting to taper both (too fast)

April 2014: 9mg Fluoxetine + 37.5 Wellbutrin 

Summer 2014: 8 mg Fluoxetine + 0 Wellbutrin (way too fast a drop)

Late summer/Early Fall 2014: Debilitating Withdrawal symptoms 

Fall 2014 - Wellbutrin successfully kicked to the curb but…

Oct- Dec 2014: Panicked reinstatement of Fluoxetine ->30mg - held for 5yrs

Jan 2021: taper to 20mg Fluoxetine  then tapering by 1mg every 2-3 months

Fall 2022 - held at 10mg->December 2022: 9mg->Feb 2023: 8mg ->March 2023: brassmonkey slide begins: 7.8mg -> 7.6 -> 7.4->2 week hold (April)->7.2->7mg->6.8->2 week hold->6.6-> 1-month hold ->(June)-6.5->4-week hold-> (July)-6.4 (discontinued brassmonkey slide and slowed taper)-> (Aug)-6.2->(Sept)-6.0->(Oct)-5.9->(Nov)-5.8->(Dec)-5.7->wave!->(Jan)-5.8->(Feb)-6mg and holding.

 

My 2014 withdrawal experience: https://rxisk.org/antidepressant-withdrawal-a-prozac-story/

 

Link to comment

Hi petunia. I hope the probiotics help. I've just started taking probiotics too.

 

I'm glad you had a slightly better day.

 

I just wondered, are you still taking Black Cohosh?

The only way out is through.

 

Aug 2013 - Augmentin leading to akathisia

Sept-Nov 2013 - Citalopram 20mg, severe reaction, off at 5mg. Valium 4mg, prn

Oct 2013 - 5 zopiclone tablets, 7.5mg

End Nov 2013-end Feb 2014, Seroquel, top dose 150mg, off at 25mg

End Nov 2013-early march 2014, Zoloft 100mg top dose, off at 25mg

End Dec-2013-early April 2014, lorazepam 1mg prn

April 3rd 2014 zoloft 5mg for a few days. 18/4/14 - zoloft, 1mg. Came off at 0.35 mg,14th June 2014

29 June 2014 - 1mg lorazepam, last ever

29 June 2014 - med free

Link to comment
  • Moderator Emeritus

I just wondered, are you still taking Black Cohosh?

 

Yes, still taking it.  I'm not certain its actually doing anything helpful, but I'm too scared to stop in case it is.

 

___________________________________________________

 

I want to make some notes, before I forget, about a few small changes I've noticed since I started taking the Bimuno Prebiotic.

 

Today is day 4 of taking it.

 

The morning of day 1 after taking it I was woken by a HUGE (worse than normal) surge of energy/adrenaline/cortisol.  But this increase was purely physical.  The associated psychological anxiety, fearful thoughts, ruminations etc had decreased.  Something was different, I had just been hit hard, but it didn't seem to bothering me as much as it should have done.

 

Morning 2.   I was first slammed awake at 3am, just as bad, but there was the same lack of concern and I went back to sleep.  Previously when this has happened, my thoughts would start spiraling towards impending disaster and I've needed to consciously use various techniques to calm myself back down so I can go back to sleep, but instead my thoughts were more along the lines of "3am, this is early, this is different, how interesting"

 

Mornings 3 and 4.  Smoother wakings, probably about 50% better and less concern and anxious thoughts following.  My body is also feeling calmer and more relaxed much earlier in the day.  I started noticing this yesterday and today, even more so.  Its now 8:30am and this is often my most difficult time, but physically, I'm feeling strangely relaxed, calm.... almost content.

 

I've had days previously when the morning 'anxiety' has been less, but its always been accompanied by a low mood, depressed, negative, critical thinking and lack of motivation.  So this feels more 'normal'.

 

At the risk of TMI, my bowel activity has changed....more activity, more urgency but same consistency.  These changes didn't happen when I started taking PRObiotics.

 

But I'm not jumping to any conclusions yet.  This could be a window that was going to happen anyway.  I did start taking Bimuno right in the middle of a particularly bad wave, so this could be coinciding with it ending. I could also be experiencing the placebo effect.

I'm not a doctor.  My comments are not medical advise. These are my opinions based on my own experience and what I've learned. Please discuss your situation with a medical practitioner who has knowledge of tapering and withdrawal...if you are lucky enough to find one.

My Introduction Thread

Full Drug and Withdrawal History

Brief Summary

Several SSRIs for 13 years starting 1997 (for mild to moderate partly situational anxiety) Xanax PRN ~ Various other drugs over the years for side effects

2 month 'taper' off Lexapro 2010

Short acute withdrawal, followed by 2 -3 months of improvement then delayed protracted withdrawal

DX ADHD followed by several years of stimulants and other drugs trying to manage increasing symptoms

Failed reinstatement of Lexapro and trial of Prozac (became suicidal)

May 2013 Found SA, learned about withdrawal, stopped taking drugs...healing begins.

Protracted withdrawal, with a very sensitized nervous system, slowly recovering as time passes

Supplements which have helped: Vitamin C, Magnesium, Taurine

Bad reactions: Many supplements but mostly fish oil and Vitamin D

June 2016 - Started daily juicing, mostly vegetables and lots of greens.

Aug 2016 - Oct 2016 Best window ever, felt almost completely recovered

Oct 2016 -Symptoms returned - bad days and less bad days.

April 2018 - No windows, but significant improvement, it feels like permanent full recovery is close.

VIDEO: Where did the chemical imbalance theory come from?



VIDEO: How are psychiatric diagnoses made?



VIDEO: Why do psychiatric drugs have withdrawal syndromes?



VIDEO: Can psychiatric drugs cause long-lasting negative effects?

VIDEO: Dr. Claire Weekes

 

 

 

Link to comment

Whatever it is I'm glad you're feeling better! X

2000 - sertraline for job anxiety low confidence (17 years old) ..which turned the next 16 years into nightmare!

 

On/off sertraline severe withdrawals every time. 2014 - felt better as reduced dose of sertraline no more inner restlessness. Doctor rushed off again. Hit severe withdrawal. Lost the little I had in life. Couldn't get stable again on 12.5mg. Was switched to prozac. Had severe reaction to prozac..came off in November 2015 at 6mg as felt more confused and damaged on it..Even more withdrawal ..rage, depression, dyphoria, near constant suicidal ideation, self harm impulses, doom, concrete block in head, unable to do much of anything with this feeling in head..went back on 6mg of sertraline to see if would alleviate anything. It didn't..reduced from December to June 2016 came off at 2.5mg sertraline as was hospitalised for the severe rage, suicidal impulses, and put on 50mg lofepramine which in 2nd week reduced all symptoms but gave insomnia which still have..psych stopped lofepramine cold turkey..no increased withdrawal symptoms new symptoms from lofepramine except persistant insomnia which has as side effect.

 

Taking Ativan for 8 months for the severe rage self harm impulses 1-3 times a week (mostly 2 times a week) at .5mg. Two months (I'm unsure exactly when the interdose started to happen) ago interdose withdrawal seemed to happen..2 days I think after the Ativan.

 

 

Nightmare that could have been avoided!

Link to comment

Wow!! Crazy how little changes can have great effects. I'm very happy for you Petu. May this calm and contentment continue over the weeks and months!!

A. xx

2000-2001: Effexor              2005-2012: Celexa, Zoloft, Effexor, desipramin, Wellbutrin, mirtazepin, Lamictal, Remeron, Abilify, nortriptylin, Cipralex, Cymbalta, and others I don't remember. Really bad side effects to all.
Sept-Nov 2012: Paxil 20mg, Wellbutrin 100mg, Imovane 5mg      Nov 2012: Paxil 20mg --> 10mg
Dec 2012: Paxil 10mg-->0; 1 week later: HUGE WD symptoms. Started to get informed on the internet and back to 10mg Paxil.
Dec 2012-Jan 2013: Paxil 10mg, Wellbutrin 100mg, Imovane 2.5mg        End Jan 2013: P 9mg, W 100mg, I 2.0mg
Feb 2013: P 8mg, W 100mg, I 1.5mg      April 2013: P 7mg, W 100mg, I 1.25mg       May 2013: P 7mg, W 90mg, I 1mg    

June 2013: P 7mg, W 80mg, I 0mg       July 1/2013: P 7, W 70     July 22/2013: P 7, W 60             Aug 2013: P 7, W 50       Sept 2013: P 6.1, W 50     Oct 2013: P up to 6.3, W 50     Nov 2013: P 6.2 to 5.9, W 50      Dec 2013: P 5.9, W 40      Jan 2014: P 5.3, W40        Feb 2014: P 5.3, W 30      March-April 2014: P 5.3, W 26    May 2014: P 5.3, W 20        June 2014: P 5.3 W 15     July 2014:  P 5.3, W 14       Aug 2014: P 5.3, W up to 15     Sept 2014: P 5.3, W 14    Oct 2014: P 4.8, W 14      Nov 2014: P 4.3, W 14     Dec 2014-Jan 2015: P 3.9, W 14     Feb 2015: P 3.9, W 12    March 2015: P 3.6, W 12   April-May 2015: P 3.3, W 12    June 2015: P 3.3, W 10    July 2015: P 3.3, W 8   Aug-Sept 2015: P 3.3, W 6   Oct 2015: P 3.0, W 6   Nov 2015: P 2.7, W 6   Dec 2015: P 2.4, W 6   Jan-Feb 2016: P 2.4, W 5  March 2016: P 2.2, W 5   April 2016: P 2.2, W 4   May-June 2016: P 2.2, W 3  July 2016: P 2.2, W 2  Aug 2016: P 2.2, W 1  Sept 2016: P 2.2, W 0!!  Oct 2016: P 2.0   Nov 2016-Jan 2017: P 1.8  Feb-Mar 2017: P 1.9  April-May 2017: P 1.8   June 2017: P 1.6 July-Dec 2017: P 1.5  Jan-April 2018: P 1.6

Others: Cytomel 25mcg (thyroid), vit. C, vit D, Omega-3 fish oil, Magnesium bisglycinate , Melatonin 1mg, 81mg Aspirin, Milk peptides, L-theanine, Valericalm tincture mix, scullcap tincture, Suan Zao Ren (jujube seeds)

Link to comment

Please sign in to comment

You will be able to leave a comment after signing in



Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

Terms of Use Privacy Policy