success ☼ JanCarol: Reboxetine first, then lithium

[JanCarol]

OK update time!

 

I went to my ortho-doc this week, and - my bloodwork has improved! TO THE POINT WHERE IT IS OKAY TO REMOVE SUPPLEMENTS NOW, instead of adding them!  OMG!  What a great feeling!

 

I still have chronic diarrhea, still have low copper from that.  My adrenals are not out of the weeds yet, but are functioning (with support from adrenal glandulars - time to start decreasing those and let my own adrenals take over?  Perhaps without my thyroid or ovaries, I will need to take a little glandular for the rest of my life)

 

My thyroid levels are fine, time to decrease.

Time to decrease the zinc. (copper and caeruloplasmin low)

My inflammatory and immune markers are fine - so no candida, infection, virus (whew! that lyme thing is really scary) seemingly.

My red blood count is up to normal. My iron is mid-range fine. 

My cholesterol is still in the high range, but no longer in the scary range.  My homocysteine has dropped (and she doesn't want it to drop any more, so decrease B12, Methylfolate, B6, P5P and Niacin)

Liver enzymes = excellent!

Infection resistance (lymphocytes) = normal!  (used to be low, which meant I was susceptible - not quite autoimmune, but lymphocytanemic)

 

The worst thing is that my HDL is too low and my triglycerides are high.  Still pre-diabetic, I reckon, but better.  Not nearly as scary as when I last went to the GP.  I can probably face my GP with my head held high this time.  Look, ma!  No Statins!

 

I was also a good girl and made an appointment with my colo-rectal surgeon.  He can see me in February!  I may have to get some colonic hydrotherapy before then if I wish to survive Christmas....my next experiments are with suppositories for gas, bloating and pain (charcoal, black tea, and coconut oil) - so far, successful.  And I'm researching oral blackberry root bark tincture for attacks....sigh.  IF I can find it. (we were at the nursery today picking out plants, but I couldn't get hubby to go for the blackberry - but I managed to get him to bite on lavender, lemon balm, and rosemary! And he was looking for echinacea, because he loves our neighbor's display, not knowing of the medicinal value.)

 

OVERALL, I credit much of this improvement in inflammation, immune system, cholesterol, B vitamins, and thyroid uptake to my massive amounts of Vitamin D.  I took one month of 15,000 IU, and my usual dose is now 10,000 IU because I don't have ovaries or thyroid or parathyroids, I'm obese, and to help with pain and sleep.  So far, I have nothing but amazing things to say about "Vitamin" D.  I think it helped that I did months of increasing my magnesium before I went for the Vitamin D.

 

Please be assured, it's going to take a few months to turn this huge ship around - I won't be making multiple adjustments at the same time.  Believe me, I am careful careful with supplement changes, especially since I am on so many.  (my supplement trays are scary!)  And I will have to THINK HARD as I'm filling those trays now, to make sure I don't make any silly mistakes!

 

And oh!  Because it's an  "illegal" supplement here*, my Ortho doc has prescribed me Lithium Orotate to be compounded into whatever size capsules I want.  She didn't have any problem with that (though my p-doc will!).  But as we have discussed here - we are talking micro-micro doses of the stuff.

 

*it's in a highly regulated segment called "practitioner only."  Geez, I have a HERBAL THROAT SPRAY that I cannot get unless I get a SCRIPT from a PRACTITIONER!  EGADS!  However, "practitioner only" herbs here, are stronger than OTC herbs in the USA.

 

I'm healing!  I am getting better!     

 

Now, where did I put that exercise program?  Oh yeah - exercise - my yoga teacher has researched "adrenal fatigue" and she wants me to move to a different class.  So no more lying around in Yin yoga and calling it "exercise."  I was the only one who showed up for class yesterday, and I got a private lesson - a more active approach - and yes, I feel my core today!

 

But with hubby retired, it feels much harder to get out to an exercise class.  I figure I might be ready for karate again by January?  But even adding a second yoga class a week seems like a hardship.  Like I said - where did I put that exercise program?  

[peggy]

Jan, what a wonderful update!  Onward and upward!!!

[melanie]

Hey Jan Carol,

 

Just wanted to tell you that your Kitty is beautiful!!! My girl is bossy too and she is very plump. 5,3 kg. Addicted to food as I am to pills. She is allowed to go everywhere, even on the kitchen table.

 

I won't be joining any forums for now, SA is enough for me. Am thinking of joining "benzobuddies" maybe in the future, when I tackle Lexapro and Seroquel. I only do some browsing now and then.

 

The 36-hours sleep deprivation idea is not bad, but not possible if one is taking anti-psychotics. APs either make you eat like a pig or lie in bed in a zombie-like state...

 

Big hugs to you,

Mel

[MollyN]

What a wonderful update!! How satisfying that your hard work and perseverance is paying dividends xxxxx

[JanCarol]

So - "Adrenal Fatigue" or whatever.  Is real.

 

I'm going to a more challenging yoga class.  I don't think the new yogini understands (well, I haven't told her about the CFS or whatever - I often call this thing "CFS" to people who don't understand) that the up/down up/down of her practice is very hard on me.

 

I've taken 2 major magnesium baths this week to try and recover from yoga.  It was challenging at best, and frustrating to realize that - even though I'm stable, I'm better - I'm still not well.

 

It was a good week, something on nearly every day - a couple of social get togethers (another one tonight - a bowling birthday party - OMG!) and I just feel like someone has left the tap on, and there's no water pressure in the system.  No oomph, weakness, drained, painful, and slow.

 

Next week is a big week, something on every day, no rest days for me.  Maybe, the yoga has built up a wee bit of stamina, maybe not.

 

That's the thing.  It seems like - no matter what I do - I do not build stamina, strength, or cardio.  I've been taking the same walk every day for 2 years now - and I still huff and puff and moan and groan to climb the hill.  Shouldn't that improve over time?

 

I had a food accident (sugar binge) which punished my kidneys, so I am back on the barley water - which I fortified with turmeric and ginger.  Yum!  At least the medicine tastes good!  But it was essential, I went straight back into diabetes insipidus, and sleepless nights as the pain and need to pee ruined my night.  Better last night, but I'm having the bowel issues, too.  I set an appointment with my GP to see if I can get a virtual colonoscopy, which is less invasive, to make sure there isn't something dire wrong with my bowel.  Freespirit's story has inspired me to not let this one stagnate.  2 days after the insipidus attack, I feel like I have a UTI, a yeast infection, and horrible bowel all at the same time.

 

And I'm a little obsessive and fixating.  We got the garden bed planted, and he didn't listen to me, or forgot, or something, and the herbs are all messed up.  It would take an hour to fix - I'm not up to it, and he's being stubborn about it.  Sigh.

 

It just shows to go - none of us are perfect, and healing is a process, not a destination!

[Fresh]

Hiya JanCarol ,    how is the CES therapy going?    

[JanCarol]

Hey Fresh, it's intermittent.  I'm putting out fires, here.

 

If it's not the bowel, it's the head.  If it's not the head, it's the pain.  If it's not the energy, it's the boils.  Or the delayed cycle sleep.

 

I'm about 1/4 as functional as a 'normal'.  So sometimes it's the infrared lamp, sometimes it's the TENS, sometimes it's the CES, sometimes it's the mag bath.  And ALWAYS trying to get in more walking, more yoga.  It would help if I could do all of these things consistently.  About the only consistent thing I have is regular meals and my sun walk.  I hit the BioTuner 3-4 times a week, on average.  Sometimes one of those is a "double session" (especially at 7.83 mHz or relaxation).  

 

Sometimes I try and stave off a headache with the CES BioTuner.  Sometimes it works.  I still sleep mostly at nightime, and am awake well before noon, which is amazing for me.  This is, I think, the longest I've "held" a delayed cycle sleep correction.  But I'm slipping again, last two mornings I slept in until 10:30.  It's hard when I'm sick at night, to not sleep in.

 

BOWLING - wow, I had no memory of how sore my glutes would be after 2 sets of 10-pin bowling!  Had fun though, found out that my former Sensei - the one I am insanely loyal to - is leaving the "beat you up and spit you out Dojo," too.  His wife commented he always came home in pain (he ignored that comment, but I noted it).  The last straw for him was when the Koochoo (don't ask) of the school went to a specialist to learn a certain kata.  After one month of practicing the kata, he tries to teach it to the rest of the black belts.  Thing is, my sensei had been teaching that kata for, like 20 years, and there was an issue with Koochoo trying to correct my Sensei.  How to say this politely?  Rugby-karate.  (it's useful stuff, though, if you can take the pounding)

 

He's never going back.  I told him I have to go back.  But I will find a new style, a new school, when the hand is healed, even if it's "stupid karate." (as in, they don't know why they do things the way they do) I would be so much stronger now, if I'd had karate in my tool chest this past year.

[JanCarol]

On a plus side, I finished a mandala today.  Tomorrow we have a scheduled power outage for something on the train line, so maybe I'll get more coloring in.

 

[AliG]

Hi J,C.

 

You always make me laugh !      It was so great to catch up. I read somewhere else, that you said - you're always late ( which you are ) LOL,  but that if you turn up at all, it means that you care. .  I feel honored !   You have been such a great friend and support for me, Jan.  I appreciate it , so much.     You are a "fountain" of knowledge and wisdom, on all aspects of health, healing, self - care and of course withdrawal.  Thank you, so much. I appreciate it, more than you know. 

 

Love,   Ali.

[JanCarol]

Awwww, thank you Ali!  (sorry I was late - I really do leave early - or try to - but that front door can be so intimidating sometimes!)

 

I'm bummed we're gonna miss the "silly season" month - January seems so far away.

 

I survived a visit to pdoc.  She snorted at my tiny amounts of lithium.  She said, "last time, I told you that you can quit anytime."  I told her I may be on tiny tiny amounts indefinitely.  I think I might look at a taper in January*.  

 

My lithium blood test was below detectable (good), my Vit D was at about 58 ng/ml - so still not too high, even when I was taking 15,000 iu a day!  I guess I can put it back up to 10,000 iu, anyway. Vit B off the charts good.  (VIT D 60-80 ng/ml for sleep maximization)

 

I told her I want to keep seeing her, since my therapist seems to feel that "couples therapy" is the go now, and I don't really have talk therapy just for me anymore.  But maybe only every 2-3 times a year, just to check in, a "sanity sounding board."  Next appointment in Feb.  She liked that I had goals and desires, hobbies, interests, and routines, and that even though I was still sick, in pain, and struggling - I was fighting, not giving up and lying down and quitting.  I worry that I was a little manic in there - I always feel like - egads, 3 months, what to say, get it all in.  

 

I thanked her for being a pdoc who believes in recovery, and also in "as little as possible, as short term as possible" in her prescribing.  (of course, that still could be a lot for a long time, as I learned with the lithium).

 

*January - everything now seems like "In January."  In January, I will find a new karate school or start Tai Chi or something.  In January I will re-evaluate my household patterns as adapting to having a husband at home (still in retirement adjustment phase now).  In January I will look at next taper.  In January I might join the University of the 3rd Age (U3A), a "mature adult" social / education club.  Kind of in limbo until the silly season is over.  And oh, in February, talk to the surgeon, but that's "After January."  (a famous Aussie Nick Earles book & play)

[MollyN]

Popping in to say that your post recently on 'getting caught' was exceptional imho. Exceptional xxx

[JanCarol]

Thanks Molly!  Been using that phrase for 30 years now!  It was bound to come out somewhere here on SA, at some point!  

 

Updates:

 

Psychologist is pleased as punch.  IN FACT, she was listening to ME, when I talked about "spiritual emergencies" and "loving receptivity" as she is worried about a young college-age boy who is having his first psychotic break.  I sent her to Will Hall, Shades of Awakening, Bipolar Awakenings (Sean Blackwell) and a few Mad In America bloggers like Michael Cornwall who talk about alternatives to "chronic schizophrenia".  SHE WAS LISTENING!  She was taking notes!

 

Ah, if only she could prescribe, I would list her on our practitioners.  I should probably list her anyway, because she "gets it."  She has been to hear Robert Whitaker, and her only reservation is "what to do with florid psychotic states" and now she is LISTENING to alternatives!  I guess I need to list here, even though she is only Psychologist.

 

Physically, I've had a lot of pain this week:  acupuncture, massage, have helped, but I had also decreased Vit D because I had 2 bouts of severe bruxism - once I got my blood tests, I've upped it again, hopefully that will help with the pain.  No, Fresh, I haven't done CES every day, but I get it in every few days!  

[JanCarol]

Awright:  Fitbit update!

 

When I was in California, I kept trying to stretch my limits of pain.  I found that, with a cane, I could walk about 5 miles a day.  But then I paid a price the next day.  I kept calibrating my steps to an amount that took me just to the limit of pain, but that I could likely repeat the next day.  If I could keep it up for 3 days in a row, then I upped my steps by 1000.   This was important to me, because - when your a tourist - you want to SEE STUFF!  It's kind of why you are there!  I kept up with the cane, to keep myself supported (and to give me something to lean on if the walk was longer than we thought).  By the end of the trip, I was up to 8000 steps.  (yah, yah, they say 10,000, but I'm not 'normal.')

 

Since I've gotten home, this is harder to do.  Home isn't as interesting as rugged coastline and Redwood forests and rail bridges and rocks and trees and birds and critters and peoples.  I have not hit 3 days in a row yet.  

 

But this week, I got this:

 

 

THREE WHOLE DAYS where I met my goal this week!  AND in addition to that, I went to yoga on Mon and Weds.  Full, ashtanga up and down moving yoga!  Well, my yoga was slower than the rest of the class - but I did it!

 

I can't say that this feels good.  On the whole, I still have times of heart pounding in my chest, out of control.  My feet feel like they have drains in them, and they drain all of my energy out through my feet.  And it hurts as they do that.  My knees hurt, especially the injured one.  My hips are starting to cry out like they might have problems now, too.  But I really really need to build stamina.  Hubby is gracious and understanding - he did the dishes tonight because I didn't feel I could stand to do that.  I can walk, but my legs are hollow, drained, especially from the knees down.

 

I'm going to persist at this level, to see if I really can get some stamina up.  To see if it gets easier after a week, 2 weeks, a month.  Because really, what choice do I have?  I'm not in withdrawal, I'm in chronic iatrogenic blah blah blah.  (blood tests say it's not autoimmune, either)

 

Thanks to StarControl2 for inspiring me to keep going.  We can do this!

 

* * *

In other notes:  I saw my GP today, and we had a compassionate talk (not an argument like I thought it would be)  She doesn't like my cholesterol but recognizes that I'm not a lunatic and don't want to deprive my brain with the statins.  We talked about my colo-rectal surgeon (I have an appointment in February) and my current bowel (Too Much Information) distress.  We talked about how he talks down to fat people.  She said she'd heard that - but we agreed that his doctor-wife has bedside manner to make up for it (they work as a team), and he's one of the best in the business.  He eliminated hubby's rectal problems completely.  GP called his office to see if I could get in sooner.  No.  He's overseas for 6 weeks (a common Aussie problem).  She said, "There is one doc who is better - " we called his office, he was not accepting patients.  

 

Short of starting all over again with a new, unknown colo-rectal guy - my GP did not want to do virtual colonoscopy - the risk of radiation coupled with the limited information - she said was not worth it. 

 

So we decided that it was okay for me to take enemas and wait until February.  IF I freak out before then, she gave me a list of guys I could try, and she'll happily refer for me.

 

Andy Apace - you were nearly right - I nearly need a new doctor (and he has a reputation for talking down to patients, apparently, the arrogant doctor-god that he is) .  But - what I have seen here elsewhere - is scary enough, I will stay with the excellent expert skilled surgeon, thanks.

[JanCarol]

Oh wow.  Pain last night.  The drains at the bottoms of my feet were awful spiky, made me understand how the real Little Mermaid felt when she walked on land. (and that was after a nice long mag bath)

 

I slept fine, but got off on the wrong foot today, and it has just been headaches, low energy, total crash.  I got my sun walk in by 3:30 pm!  I did get some laundry on and off the line, and emptied the cat box.  But I'm useless, uncomfortable, flushes of hot and cold.  I was going to take my temperature until hubby complained of the heat and turned the A/C on - which made me feel a little better (it wasn't only me).

 

But I've got an unrelenting spike in my head, and I'm a little scared tonight.  Scared that I've flipped into diabetes, or scared that I've done too much and now have to go to the adrenal cave for a week or two (when really, in Australia, if you want to take fitness classes, just write off most of December and part of January.  Same if you need a doctor! So if I want to build stamina for next year, I have to start now!)

 

Egads.  

 

On the plus side, my body feels better today.  THIS time, I didn't have as much next-day pain from the yoga as last time.  We'll see how tomorrow is, I'm supposed to do another class tomorrow.  It may just be the "flopping on the floor" Yin Yoga.

 

I'm feeling a bit broken on at least 3 fronts tonight, and I don't really have time for it (but do we ever?)  Time for Deep-Rest, I suppose.  Surrender.  Hubby has no idea.  I can tell him, I can ask for help (and he's most helpful) - but one is always alone in misery, quite difficult to share that one.  If I could do something about the splitting headache - I thought about a wheat pack, but hot doesn't sound too good, or cold.

 

I know.  I'll try some CES.  Then maybe some TENS on my deltoids/base of neck.  Can I do that at the same time I wonder?

 

It's easy to see how desperate people try desperate things when going through these extreme states.  OK, I'll use moderation:  2 lots of TENS first, then deep relaxation CES

[JanCarol]

OOff da!  What an AWFUL post!

 

I did an 45 min of TENS around my neck, and CES and managed to get to sleep.

 

Even had some dreams.  We had "run away from home" (all of SA, that is), and were trying to collect provisions for living in the wilds, except we had no money.  There was a bedsheet we were using as a mud-map, writing down what we needed.  And traffic was horrible.  But there was a dream of freedom, if only we could get organized enough to do it.

 

I feel better - still low, but better.

 

I have REALLY got to get back into karate in the new year.  And try to get started on the right foot today:  sun walk coming up.

[JanCarol]

Brave enough to try the Ashtanga class again tonight.  At least - even though the shape of my yoga doesn't look like anything the teachers have ever seen before (my modifications have modifications!) - they trust me enough to do it.

 

Thing is, with bolsters and props and pillows and blocks and straps, by the time I get into the positions, the teacher has moved on.  But that's just the way it is, I guess.  As long as they don't think I'm being deliberately, and stubbornly disrespectful.

 

I don't know anyone who does yoga like I do.  I did in the USA, but not here.

 

So - braving the tougher class again tonight.  My pain levels are good, even if my energy is through the floor.

 

Keeping in mind, that the Queensland heat is pretty relentless right now.  I melt down over 30 C (that's about 86 F).  And once I've melted, I'm useless.

[MollyN]

I love you and your modified modification yoga - start your own classes. I've heard it's already hot hot in Aust and summer's just starting eeek!

[JanCarol]

Thanks Molly!

 

I got to yoga and the class was just me - a private class!  So she didn't have to cater to others, and we could go slow and stay on the floor.  I got a good workout, but with less pain.

 

I felt so good I walked about 5 k today, and that shut me down so hard that I'm out of commission again.  But if I've healed by the next yoga class, I'll be there!  I have to keep working on this!

 

20 years ago I wanted to be a yoga teacher, and my yoga teacher thought I should.  In my short, 6 month career as a personal trainer, I included yoga classes for corporate stress reduction.  I thought I was pretty good (then got fired for being erratic and non-consultative with management).  I once had a fantasy that I would take yoga to mental health institutions to help place "clients/patients/consumers" (whatever) in their bodies, help people that way.

 

Now, a new country, yoga teacher training, 20 years older.  Nah.  I'm doing good just to show up!

[MollyN]

lol well when you come to visit perhaps you can take us for a special JanCarol yoga session  

[JanCarol]

Stamina.  Stamina.  Stamina.  

 

I survived yoga.  She slowed it down, just 3 breaths per pose - and I found that the frantic clamoring to get to the next pose was released.

 

I didn't crash today, like I have in previous weeks.

 

It's getting better, I'm getting better.

 

It's time now, to start looking at pain drugs.  I haven't talked much about them because it's embarrassing.  Probably 5 people in my life know anything about it.  Not quite a secret - just an embarrassment.   I'm still not ready to talk about them, but I'm working on spreadsheets and a plan similar to how I quit smoking cigarettes.  My first step is "delay."  Put a stop in between when I feel pain, and when I take something.  

 

I just keep putting fences up until there are fewer and fewer opportunities for addiction.  I still have the freedom, for example, to use cigarettes - but there's a paywall.  I will not pay for them, not one more dime to the evil tobacco companies.  I can bum a cigarette any time I like.  But you know, after 5 - nearly 6 - years of not smoking - the chances of that are slim.

 

It is my hope that as I decrease my usage, make more rules around when I can and cannot assuage my pain - I will, like I did with the lithium and reboxetine - walk out of the deep muddy lake and find - OMG - I feel so much better when I'm not constantly battling the rebound pain!

 

The flip side of my "pain clinic" (because I refuse to check into an official one - they will just offer me things I either already know, or, worse, Lyrica or some such) is my yoga.  Massage, acupuncture.  Infrared lamp.  My walks.  My sunshine.  My magnesium baths.  My TENS and CES machines (hit all of the last 5 today). My beautiful meditation and fluffy music for helping me sleep. 

 

Tomorrow or Thursday, I'm picking up a used rebounder - a mini trampoline - because I saw this: 

 

If you ignore the channel hype - what he says sounds really good.  Cardio.  Low impact.  Lymph.  NASA approved.  And I can listen to music, look at the garden, bounce for 1-3-5 minutes, building up to it.  It's really hot here right now, so if it's too much, I can bounce in our A/C room.  AND it looks fun!

 

I've had a headache all day, but it's been mild until recently.  Over the course of my life - because of the horrible skull-shattering headaches that rendered me useless for days, I learned to take pain drugs at the earliest onset of a headache.  Well my hormones are different now.  My life is intensely different now.  For now, I'm about delaying.  Stretching the interval between pain drugs.  It's not exactly a taper - but - I think I need to address the psychological aspects of my use of pain drugs, as much as the physical.  Probably more so.

 

And after a long slow taper of lithium, and walking away from tobacco while still on psych drugs (no mean feat), I think that - once I line up the psych aspects of my use, the physical will fall into place, with maybe a week or two of discomfort.  I would like to know how much of this pain is me, and how much of it is rebound.

 

And I'm in a good place to find out.

 

Stamina.  

[JanCarol]

Funny.  Talking about rebound pain (the pain that comes to you as a form of withdrawal)

 

and buying a rebounder (a mini trampoline).

 

Are there coincidences in the world?

[apace41]

Great post, JC.  You sound really good.

 

Happy to hear that your stamina is improving. 

 

I like the approach of stretching the time between pain meds.  Have you considered adding curcumin into the mix to see if you might be able to use it to bridge the gap more successfully?  In double-blind studies it outperformed NSAIDs on the whole.  Some people have had incredible success with it.

 

Just a thought,

 

Andy

[MollyN]

Love it ^^!

[JanCarol]

Thanks Andy - I take 4000 mg curcumin / turmeric daily.  I started it for the bowel, and am so pleased with it - that I've included it with Vit C, Magnesium and Fish oil for Maintenance.

 

I've added 2000 mg Tart Cherry, as an experiment - if my pain levels are anything to go by, not as helpful as the curcumin.

 

Really.  I don't talk about ALL of my supplements - you should see my "supplement trays" - 4 a day!  If I want to tell my ortho-doc what I am taking, I have to spend 2 days updating an excel spreadsheet.  And if my compounding chemist wants to know - he also wants brands and sources - it takes another 2-4 days.

 

I used to maintain the spreadsheet "as I go" - but since my US holiday I'm just happy to fill the tramn thays.  (trays)

 

Molly, I was actually thinking of you when I wrote "stamina."  And the rebounder.  It's stormy and cool here today - my rebounder is about 20 min away.  I still have NO IDEA where I will put it!  Will I lean it up in a corner somewhere, and carry it to where I want to practice?  Will I put on a sports bra every time I use it?  I have no idea.  The rebounder is a half baked thought. And AliG, you might like the bouncy, home "alpha" healing aspect of the rebounder too - they are only $50 at Big W, I'm picking up a secondhand one for $30 because I have a policy to never buy *new* sporting or exercise equipment - people abandon equipment and programs faster than they can buy them - as I can attest by the unused kettlebells, cross-trainer, medicine ball, strength straps, weights, etc. in my own house.

 

AND I can do the rebounder when the "classes are closed" for Christmas holidays.  Off to do a rainy sun-walk, now!

[JanCarol]

How bad is my "addiction?" Maybe it would be better to call it "habituation?"  I know I've mentioned here that I take pain drugs when things got bad.

 

According to my spreadsheet, it is an average of 32 hours between doses.  The doses are codeine based, with Soma (carisoprodol) to make them effective.  I have had no increase in the dosages for over 5 years.

 

When it is bad - like when I was travelling and needed to function - that might get down to 12 hours.

 

So it's not like I'm a junkie hanging out for a buzz or the next dose, or that I need to constantly be numbed - but I do recognize times that I take them when I really didn't need to.  Times when I am out - social anxiety - or the "early headache" syndrome.  Or when I'm afraid I won't sleep without them.  

 

One of the early fences I'm putting up is this:  not sleeping with them every night.  (if I'm averaging 32 hours between them, I can't take them every 24 now, can I?).  I've had a few "rough" nights sleep - but I'm still okay.  They still work fine for sleep, but that's probably the first psychological barrier to break.  The next fence I am looking at is the "early headache" / social anxiety (I can't really separate those - that overwhelming feeling of being "out among the crowd" - too noisy, too bustling, sensory overload).

 

I've gone off these drugs before.  I cold turkeyed before, when I moved here.  I tried some of the Aussie preparations - like Baclofen (which they would only give me if I swore on my mother's grave that I was really, really in pain, and I have to pull teeth to get) or Mersyndol / Mersyndol Forte (this is a codeine / acetominophen with doxylamine succinate antihistamine).  The baclofen has NO EFFECT at all.  The Mersyndol had the most awful rebound headaches.  The codeine / soma  is as close as I could get to the combination that worked for me in the USA - from whiplash (I've been in 15 automobile accidents to date) - structural orthopedic pain - headaches.  I've had pain struggles for at least 30 years.

 

When I first came here, i went to a doctor and showed him my USA scripts and he was like, oh no.  You can't have that here.  But I found a way, and it has been very effective.  It probably smoothed my transition off reboxetine and lithium because there was always something I could take when it got to be too much.  "A needle to remove the thorn."

 

But - is it too much?  Now?  Really?

 

That's what I aim to find out.

[Meimeiquest]

Always so many interesting things going on with you! You are fighting so bravely. Do be gentle with yourself...all those accidents, your hand, your knee.

 

So I heard something on the Fat Loss Summit I wish I could unhear. Chiro with upcoming book,,,No Grain No Pain. I am so struggling with it, but eliminating rice (when I do it) makes a huge difference for my pain. He says there is some gluten in all grains. Another doc talked about how antibodies that attack joints and brain can be measured. While it would be helpful for motivation, it's too expensive for me. Website is www.thedr.com if you ever want to look into it.

 

Thanks for all the effort you put into writing for us!

[JanCarol]

Hey MeiMei - my "autoimmune" and "arthritic" antibodies are fine, my ortho doc checked the former, my GP checked the latter.

 

But I hear you on the grain pain.  I watched our Aussie-BC science show, Catalyst (the one that ripped into the statins and cholesterol hype) - about "gluten free," and the presenter concluded that it wasn't the gluten, it was the processing of the wheat.  They said not a LOT of breads, but if you get stone ground flour-based breads, and sourdough, you should be fine.  And they pushed FODMAPS, and claimed it was easier than gluten free, because you didn't have to "navigate the hidden dangerous foods."  WTF?  I find it easier to navigate "no grain," than "no garlic, no onions, no asparagus, no beans, no beets, no cruciferous veggies, no apples, no apricots, no avocados, no mangos no watermelon, no cherries or raisins, no no no no.....FODMAPS is all about "no."

 

I just found an old letter in my file to an old friend in Kentucky (his wife is a chiro), telling him to "stop pestering me about the grain, everything in moderation, this grain thing is a fad."  blah blah.  And look at me now.  

 

I soak a lot of grains and seeds to release the protein chains, and the special ginger ($110 per 200 grams) I get is supposed to break down the connective proteins in gluten and gliaden.  Don't forget the gliaden!

 

And oh yeah.  Yoga tears tonight.  I rolled over out of a balance lunge It looked like a fall (kaTHUMP!), but really, I just lost balance and rolled - all good).  But the frustration of it going too fast, of the teacher not hearing what I've asked for, up/down, up/down torture.  She can't teach a class without throwing in sun salutes in between every pose.  She is not adaptable.   And the music!  UGH!  It was Tibetan Om Mani Renge Kyo Om Mane Padme Hum" stuff, and had a rhythm that really damaged my calm.  I laughed and commented about it, but I was basically in tears for 20 minutes of the class.

 

I have a memory of US teachers who could cater to all levels of need.  Or maybe it was just that the US people were MUCH less fit, with MUCH LOWER expectations for "performance" than these Aussies.  The other girl in the class claims to have a torn ligament in her hip.  But she seemed to keep up just fine.  WTF?

 

This class won't last into Christmas, it's one that will be dropped over the holidays, and I'll go back to my comfortable Yin yoga.

 

But the rebounder is cool - it's an Extra Large one, special heavy duty thing.  I start rebounding tomorrow.

[apace41]

I have a memory of US teachers who could cater to all levels of need.  Or maybe it was just that the US people were MUCH less fit, with MUCH LOWER expectations for "performance" than these Aussies.  

 

I have some friends over here who would be mortally offended by this comment, JC, but you are probably right (especially if you pick the right class).

 

Why not consider doing a more agreeable class online in the comfort of your own surroundings?  There are so many good ones now and you can preview what you will be asked to do and ways to modify it.  You can control the environment, etc., etc., etc.  You can even pick a US instructor and imagine a class full of out of shape Americans around you. 

 

Just a thought,

 

Andy

[MollyN]

Sounds like the teacher needs a generous dose of JC wisdom - I hope she is willing to hear it.

[JanCarol]

LOL Molly, in here I have the support and teaching of Alto and the Mods.  That gives me some cred!

 

OUT THERE, I'm just a loud Yank who complains about the yoga.  Sigh.  You know how it is with Yanks!

 

And if I try and show that my 40 years of yoga experience (longer than most of my yoga teachers have lived) has showed me some things, then I become a tall poppy - which means I must not be heeded, lest they "feed the tall poppy."  Worse, they'll want to cut me down.

 

Oh heck, it's paranoid of me, but maybe that's what they're doing.  I know so much, but my body is so wrecked - they "show" me that I know nothing by "showing" me what I cannot do.  

 

I was in tears again, because the prospect of looking for a new studio - really, really gets to me.  

 

Andy:

 

 

I have some friends over here who would be mortally offended by this comment, JC, but you are probably right (especially if you pick the right class).

 

Andy, I was an athlete.  I was no marathoner, but thought nothing of running 3 miles or so, 1-2 hours of cardio for fun, rollerblading, weightlifting, hiking with 30 pound pack on the Appalacian Trail.  I thought I was fit, and thought I kept company with fit people.  I have pictures of my six-pack - back before that was "fashionable."  I had a six pack because I needed it to bike, to hike, to kick and block and punch.  

 

You haven't SEEN athletes until you've come to Australia.  Seriously.  Just look at the Olympic stats.  Our population is 7% the size of the USA.  I'll say that again:  7%.  And yet in the medal tallies for summer olympics (there is no snow here) was 4th in 2000 (Sydney) 4th in 2004 (Athens) and slipped to 6th in 2008.  You can imagine how the heads are rolling on the coaching teams when we placed 13th overall at London 2012.  These people are SERIOUS about their sport.  There are 3 codes of football.  Our greedier athletes go to America and are well placed in baseball, basketball, football - sports which ARE NOT PLAYED professionally here (well, some basketball, but that's new).  There are no helmets or pads in our football - they play in singlet and shorts and run the full time.  These are SERIOUS athletes.

 

When I go to a gym, there's no such thing as "beginner's classes."  There's no such thing as "low impact."  They don't have the "litigation happy" culture of America, so they don't have training in "how not to get injured."  It is up to the individual to "not hurt themselves," and if they can't keep up, they don't belong in the class.

 

That's what it feels like to a Yank.  I come from a country where if you are not fit, we'll tailor a program to your needs, weight, age, fitness level.  None of this "one size fits all" stuff.  

 

The flip side of the 7% of the population of the US is that the market is TINY.  There's not room for all levels - by the very nature of the market, it must be one size fits all.  People who don't fit, have to make their own way.

 

I try to make my own way, but my house isn't very conducive.  I'm taking more walks.  At least one long (30 minutes is long for me) walk a week.  My floors are tile or concrete - very bad for my knees.  I have some padding, but no room to place it.  Online class is a great idea - I have at least 100 exercise / yoga / tai chi / taekwondo / karate / chi gung / pilates / blah blah exercise videos and DVD's.  At least those come with a pause button when I get into trouble.  

 

Online classes?  Where is the pause button when I am on the floor and can't get to the mouse?  (it takes me TIME to get onto the floor and off of the floor)  It's a GREAT idea - I wish I could skype with my old yoga teachers, I'm missing them so badly.  I don't know how we did it - a room full of 20 people of different degrees of ability - and yet each of us were taken to the level we needed.  I think there were more basic levels available, but for the advanced students, she'd show them how to extend the pose to the next level, until all in the class were working at their best.

 

Aussie yoga is more like deep end, sink or swim yoga.  There are some exceptions, but they are erratic, far away, and hard to find.  (that 7% population has a country the size of America to get around in!  Tyranny of distance!

 

Oh blah.  Thanks for the suggestions, I guess I'd still rather b****.  You see, it's nearly Christmas, and at Christmas in Oz, you cannot get a medical practitioner (well, you can get one, but it won't be yours), a fitness class, a treatment - everything just closes down.  

 

Sighs (in her best Scarlett O'Hara voice), "I'll Thing About It In January."

 

ps - rebounding lasted 2 minutes today.  Outside in fresh air and clouds and birds, trees and leaves - and Yes music.

[apace41]

You haven't SEEN athletes until you've come to Australia.  Seriously.  Just look at the Olympic stats.  Our population is 7% the size of the USA.  I'll say that again:  7%.  And yet in the medal tallies for summer olympics (there is no snow here) was 4th in 2000 (Sydney) 4th in 2004 (Athens) and slipped to 6th in 2008.  You can imagine how the heads are rolling on the coaching teams when we placed 13th overall at London 2012.  These people are SERIOUS about their sport.  There are 3 codes of football.  Our greedier athletes go to America and are well placed in baseball, basketball, football - sports which ARE NOT PLAYED professionally here (well, some basketball, but that's new).  There are no helmets or pads in our football - they play in singlet and shorts and run the full time.  These are SERIOUS athletes.

 

 

I love Aussies, JC.  Really do.  And I'm sure what you say is true about the level of fitness being superior to us fat, lazy, slacking Americans.

 

I would dispute the notion that basing that on Olympic performance is really meaningful.  More than 50% of all Olympic medals by Aussies in the Summer Games have come from swimming and track and field.  If you look only at swimming you are looking at more than 33% of those medals.  For a country to become highly focused on a couple of sports and produce a large number of world class athletes in those sports, and then instill a culture around those sports, is not shocking.  It doesn't take a huge number of Ian Thorpes to create an incredible number of medals to skew those numbers.  In track and field one need only look at the tiny island nation of Jamaica to see that a disproportionate number of medals for the population can create the perception that the country has a particular emphasis on some sport or another.  Again, I grant you (since you have lived in both places and I have not) the fact that we in America have little in the way of an "exercise ethic" (after all, we created the concept of "participation awards") and while we pride ourselves on achievement we are more than happy to make things easy on all and work toward the "lowest common denominator" in many things in life.

 

I get that it is a challenge to fit into that kind of situation for you and can hear the frustration in your words.  Might be a good opportunity to "create" something as I'm willing to bet you are not the only person in that situation.  Perhaps you start by going to a physical therapy office and "recruiting" others looking for a similar level of class and then approach an instructor who will create a class that works for you?

 

Just a thought.  You are incredibly resourceful.  If you want this you will figure it out.

 

 

Andy

[JanCarol]

Hey Andy - I thought about this rant of mine.

 

If I were 20 years ago, with the energy I had then - I'd be eager to pursue something like that.  Remember, I used to want to teach yoga in mental wards, and nursing homes!  If If If (am I "yes,but"-ing you?)

 

If I step back and look at that rant (and it wasn't just about Olympics, it was about walking through a park and seeing a pack of men with thighs like oaks breezing by - and they're all "amateurs," "hobbyists" with their sport!) - and look at crying in yoga - and look at crying over losing my voice and trying to sing - and only 2 minutes on the rebounder - and my frustration at filling my trays tonight - I knocked one of them across the room because my fat clumsy fingers couldn't line the tablets up in the trays - 

 

I think I'm having a depression.  Yes it was a rant.  Thanks for your patience!  I am - frustration is the word.  Frustrated.

 

A friend on Facebook (who just happens to run ultra-marathons) posted a "feel good about yourself" challenge - post 5 photos of yourself that make you feel good about yourself.  The only ones I could post were 20-30 years old.  I used to take great delight in using my body to do things - trying to "take it to the next level" physically.  I was a very physical person.  I wasn't the best yogini because my body was not a limber one (more of a strong one) - but I really really enjoyed the journey.  I enjoyed getting massages when they weren't just about pain relief.  I really enjoyed stretching my legs to run as fast and as far as I could.  I LOVED climbing mountains with my bed and food on my back, knowing I'd be sleeping under the stars, miles from anywhere, communing with trees.

 

Last week I went to commune with trees (a 5 k walk) - it was good.  But the pain of afterwards took me out of commission for 2 days.

 

I SHOULD be (shaking finger at self) grateful - it used to be 3 days.  But still:  climbing any hill (and I do this daily, this is not a temporary condition, nor is it simply "out of shape" or it would've improved after 5 years of karate and walking and even running when I could) and I get racing pounding "uncomfortable" heartbeat - not enough to be "diagnosed" but enough to slow me way down. (heck, I can get that heartbeat sitting still - and all the pranayama breathing in the world won't settle it!)   The cardio stress test people just rolled their eyeballs at each other, like, "fat girl's wayyy outta shape!"  EXCEPT that I'm active - I move - I go - I try - I keep trying.  But there's this barrier to getting fitter.  I'm hoping it's the pain drugs.  Or maybe it's still withdrawal.  Or maybe it's just that - after the surgeries (thyroid & hysterectomy, leaving only my adrenals to pick up the slack)  - I will never be that Jan again.  Very sad, if that's the case.

 

If I look at withdrawal - let's see - Dec 1.  I accidentally decreased my lithium around September.  Hmmm.  About 3 months out.  I'm probably due for a bit of knocking about.  I'm not so symptomatic that I would consider an updose - yet.  But I'm crabby, crackly, crunchy, with no pop.

 

THEN there's the fact that - what you do in a day, I can do 1/10th.  I try and push my productivity, I'd love to clean out that closet, or clear some spaces in the spare room, sort that box, clear that table or countertop, or reorganize the bookshelves so I can put all the books away (except I'd love to read them first - if I put them away, will they be "out of sight out of mind?") but I only just make it through the day.  Maybe make it to an appointment or class, maybe get a few things done around the house (very few), maybe spend some time on computer (it never feels like "enough"), maybe colour a bit.  On a good day, I get 3 things done.  That would be like, a load of laundry, an appointment, and a phone call.  When it goes over 3, I start losing it; I get derailed. 

 

Not a good condition for organizing something that I'm not qualified to do.  To do this right, in this Nanny State, I'd have to have a physiology degree, and a yoga teacher's certificate.  Well, gee, what part of my 3 things a day is that going to be?

 

Again, this is not directed at you, I think it's directed at God, or fate, or my lot in life.  Shaking my fists at heaven, as it were.

 

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

[apace41]

JC,

 

You are allowed to occasionally wallow in the river of self-pity, but while I'm on "call" I won't allow you to do it for long.  Sorry.  Not on my watch. 

 

You have done amazingly well given all that you have been faced with, but you are not done yet.  Far from it.  Even just recently you've made new strides in your stamina.  If you want to compare yourself to your 20s, have at it.  That's a pretty daunting bar for any of us to set -- in or out of withdrawal.  I was a stud athlete in my youth (many awards and college soccer -- hence my avatar) and remained active on a competitive level until I hit 50.  Do I miss it every single day and wish I could still compete -- you bet your butt I do.  But, as we all know, father time is undefeated and part of being content is learning to live with who we are at any given moment in time.  I won't patronize you by telling you not to think of the things you don't have.  You know the drill and how doing that places the focus in a spot that counters your healing.  You are allowed, but only for a short while. 

 

Today was 2 minutes on the rebounder.  Tomorrow will be 2 minutes and 10 seconds or 15 seconds.  Pretty soon it will be 5 minutes and you won't remember when you could only do 2.  The point is that you are up and doing it and you have to start somewhere.  You are doing that and need to take a few minutes to stop, pat yourself on the back, and then move on to the next thing to conquer.  All of this is very hard.  Hell, life is pretty hard.  But, the only way around is through and you are doing that.  You will find the yoga practice that works for you.  I'm confident.  And, to be honest, if the Aussie culture is such that you can't participate without being a star then somebody needs to change the way things are done.  I nominate you!

 

You are NOT having a "depression."  You are healthily pissed at what are your CURRENT limitations.  Always remember that the body heals if you let it do so.  You will not be so limited tomorrow or the day after or the day after.  Just keep fighting the good fight and it will get better.  And I will be watching to make sure you keep your "pity parties" to the absolute minimum.  You've earned the right to have them -- just not willing to let you make them a ritual.  You've come WAY too far for that.

 

Best,

 

 

Andy

[Fresh]

Jan , we have to realize that we will never have the physical capabilities we had 20 years ago . . . and that's

aging exacerbated by antidepressant use.   Time to practice acceptance.

 

I go to yoga at the local sports club , and it's filled with the daggiest folk you could ever hope to meet - I love

it!   If you go to classes run  by community services rather than private health studios , you get regular people

rather than a "beautiful body" crowd.

 

  

[apace41]

Jan , we have to realize that we will never have the physical capabilities we had 20 years ago . . . and that's

aging exacerbated by antidepressant use.   Time to practice acceptance.

 

Fresh,

 

Agree on all counts other than the need to reference the "exacerbated by AD use."  Frankly, I view that as a "red herring."  Nobody at 50 can do what they did at 30.  Whether they took a lot of pills or not.  We have all been victimized by the system and the meds but we should not adopt a VICTIM MENTALITY. 

 

You didn't.  If you did would you be where you are?  I dare say no f-g way.  Your recovery to date has been one of the shining stories since I've been here (maybe because you posted that scary video -- god you were sick) and I don't think, when the recovery is complete, that any limitations you have will be AD-driven.  They will be age driven just like anybody else's. 

 

I agree wholeheartedly that there must be some places to have a decent yoga practice in all of Oz where everyone in the room doesn't have rippling muscles and perfect skin.  For lord's sake -- it's Australia -- not Utopia. 

 

 

Andy

[Meimeiquest]

Jan, I think there is something wrong you haven't gotten to the bottom of yet. But I have no idea what it is . I am 55 and have never been athletic AT ALL, and I feel better than that. In first grade, we had a "wonderful" PE teacher who ran races till we found the fastest and slowest boy/girl/person in the class. I was the slowest PERSON.

 

Maybe it's the meds. Maybe it's your gut. Maybe it's something else. But doing what you can is great for whatever is wrong...I just think you will have a breakthrough one day.