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  1. Hello - I've never posted on a site like this. Please bear with me. I had my first depressive episode at age 20 (2007). Was prescribed fluoxetine 20mg. This helped for years. I had maybe up to a year here in there where I was not on it. But always started again. I had some anxiety at the beginning of 2014. Was prescribed xanax as needed to help me get through. I continued taking xanax occasionally (sometimes more than occasionally) after a terminal diagnosis and death of a parent. In 2018 fluoxetine was increased to 30mg. i had a panic "episode" for the first time in July of 2019. It was awful. I saw a psychiatrist for the first time and they upped my fluoxetine to 60mg and started me on round the clock clonazepam - finally capping at 4.5-6mg a day. He wanted me on more, but I was starting to fall asleep at the wheel. I was also to take xanax for "break through" anxiety. I tapered down a little bit before the pandemic started. But then stopped all tapering for a while. April 2021 I took what was supposed to be a "last dose" after doing the whole cutting my doses by .25-.5mg every couple weeks or so. I wasn't really on a schedule. After that "last" dose I could not sleep. My legs were SUPER restless. It was awful. I was told it was not related to benzos. I trusted this. I was told it might even be because of the fluoxetine, despite never having that symptom before in over a decade. So, I took a benzo to sleep. I did this off and on till the end of July, 2021. Then I got a new psychiatrist (the other one retired) they prescribed my gabapentin for the restless legs. It helped. I slept without the benzos. However, I would still take them on occasion for anxiety, but less and less. Cut to end of November 2021, sudden loud tinnitus that amped up my anxiety so high. I was in a panic. I was put back on daily benzo use. I was also started on during the day gabapentin doses as well as propranolol. I was then told I should try ketamine to help with my anxiety. You can't be on benzos and do ketamine, so I tapered off starting in January. I did .25mg-.5mg every cut... I was not on a specific schedule. MY LAST DOSE OF BENZOS WAS MARCH 28TH, 2022. Two days later I started 5 ketamine treatments over the course of 3 wks. It was awful. I do not know if ketamine just wasn't for me, or if it was benzo related. I had severe anxiety and panic, and due to the ketamine, could not take benzos for relief. maybe that was a blessing, because I definitely would have otherwise. After the ketamine, I stopped propranolol. I was tapered off prozac and started on 7.5mg mirtazapine. Shortly after starting the mirtazapine I stopped the gabapentin. I stayed on the mirtazapine for 6-8 wks. I had weird dreams and it made my head and eyes feel pretty awful. So I was switched to sertraline. I recently went up to 75mg and plan to go to 100mg starting on August 8th. I don't know if starting another SSRI was the right thing or not... but, honestly, I'm desperate and have even thought about just asking for benzos again. 130 days post benzos and all these other med changes, I feel really awful. I had about two weeks in May where I felt pretty good, but crashed quickly. I find I cannot stop crying. Anxiety is always there. I suppose that my body has been on benzos so long it doesn't know how to manage the anxiety on it's own. Doing anything feels like climbing a large mountain (like even unloading the dishwasher). I wake up almost every day between 3 and 5 and then can't go back to sleep. Napping is next to impossible unless I just get very lucky. Sleep is the only relief. Tinnitus is still there. I sleep with a headband on that has headphones in it that I can play nature sounds on so I can sleep. Sleep is the only relief. Mornings are the hardest anxiety wise. Evenings I feel a little more grounded, which makes me not want to go to bed because I know I will have to wake up to the anxiety again. Like if I could just stay awake, then it wouldn't come. And then I wake up and cannot wait for night to come so I can sleep again. My hope is in the idea that if I just keep waking up and going to sleep, eventually, life with end. I just have to keep doing it. My faith and prayer helps get me through to the evening. I don't know what I would do without it. For a couple months there, getting off meds and getting my body healthy was highly motivated by wanting to be a mom. However, my husband recently let me know that he does not want to be a parent ... and my mental "illness" plays a large role in the reason for this. I'm crushed. I honestly often feel like there is now no reason to try and be off all of these meds anymore. Whats the point? I feel better on the benzos. But my husband also hates how much I was just "on the couch like an addict passed out." Which, is probably true. The benzos knocked me out. But it was relieving. He says he is empty and has nothing left to give. I feel so awful about it all. I think he might leave me. I wouldn't blame him. At this point, I feel crazy. I'm told I am not hearing things that people say correctly. I really thought I was getting better, but then my family was talking about having me go inpatient somewhere. None of them really think this is benzo related at this point - my doctor definitely does not. I don't know what to think. I'm going to take leave from work for a few months. But don't know what I will do with myself. But I'm ironically, a mental health therapist, and just can't do it right now. I didn't know that benzos could be addictive. Or I did, but I thought if they were taken outside of how they were prescribed. I always took them as prescribed so thought I was fine. I was never told about withdrawal symptoms expect to let the doctor know if "my anxiety increased." I had no idea. I feel so dumb. I didn't even look anything up on the internet. Positives (limited at this point): I no longer get tingling sensations in my face and feet. Hot flashes seem to be gone. Sorry this is so long. Any thoughts or advice are appreciated. Is this normal? Will I get a window soon? Thank you
  2. ADMIN NOTE If you have any recommendations for doctors, therapists, or clinics knowledgeable about tapering or withdrawal syndrome, please add a post to this topic. Here are other sources for doctors who might be helpful regarding tapering or withdrawal syndrome: Doctors who will diagnose drug withdrawal See Benzo-wise doctors who will assist in benzodiazepine tapering for withdrawal from benzodiazepines. (This list may contain some entries that are out of date, but has been added to recently. These doctors may also grasp tapering of other drugs.) MadinAmerica.com has a list of practitioners who would withdrawal, mostly therapists but some doctors http://www.madinamerica.com/service-directory/ Safe Harbor's list. Look for MDs and DOs, who can prescribe. The physicians, who take an integrative approach, have volunteered their contact information and generally answer the question "Help take patients off of psychiatric drugs?" with "Yes." This list is a little difficult to use, you may need to look at it page by page. The doctors below have shown concern and knowledge for slow tapering off antidepressants and indicated willingness to work with patients on treatment plans including non-drug treatments. Before making an appointment, follow the links next to a doctor's name for more detail and use search to see comments about the doctor elsewhere on the site. Unfortunately, many doctors have reservations about the drugs but think they know more about tapering than they actually do. If you consult any of these providers, please let us know your experience. If you do not wish to take any other psychiatric medications after quitting, they should respect your wishes. If you find they do not, please let us know and we will remove them from this list. Click on their links to see more about these doctors: PHYSICIANS UNITED STATES US East Coast Mark Lichtenstein, MD, Hardwick, VT Alice H. Silverman, MD, Montpelier, VT Mark D. Green, MD, Medford, MA Bill (Wm D) Slaughter MD, Cambridge, MA Judy Tsafrir, MD, Newton Centre, MA Harold R. Jordan, MD, Northampton, MA Visions Medical, Wellesley and Dedham, MA Bruce I. Goderez, MD Hadley, MA Windhorse Integrative Mental Health (inpatient), Northampton, MA and San Luis Obispo, CA Holly Major, RN, MSN, ANP-BC, QTTT, Griffin Faculty Practice, Integrative Medicine Center, Derby, CT Kelly Brogan, MD, New York, NY Samoon Ahmad, MD New York, NY Ernest Shaw, MD, Kingston, NY Laura Kelly, PhD, RN, APN-C, Eatontown and Asbury Park, NJ Denis Moonan, MD, Providence, RI 02911 (closing practice) Michelle Barwell, MD, Pittsburgh, PA Joe Tarantolo, MD, Washington, DC (removed from list) Julia Frank, MD, Washington, DC David Pickar, MD, Cabin John, MD (removed from list) Eric Taswell, MD, Washington, DC Daniel Z. Lieberman, MD, Washington, DC William Ronald Gaertner, MD, Richmond, VA US Southeast David Allen, MD, Bartlett, Tennessee (retired) Daniel Johnson, MD, Asheville, North Carolina (inpatient only) David D. Harwood, MD, Montgomery, Alabama Noel T. Rivers-Bulkeley, MD, Atlanta, Georgia (deceased) Charles Whitfield, MD, Atlanta, Georgia (deceased) Kathleen Carroll, MD, Brandon, Florida US Central Toby Hazan, MD, Farmington Hills, MI Elizabeth McMasters, MD McHenry, IL Andrew Pundy, MD, Park Ridge, IL David Bransford, MD, Grand Rapids, MN (Itasca Psychiatric Services) Henry Emmons, MD, Minneapolis, MN (will do Skype and phone sessions) Marie Casey Olseth, MD, St Louis Park, MN George P. Dawson, MD, Saint Paul, MN Varsha Rathod, M.D. Saint Louis, MO Mark Foster, DO, Greenwood Village, Colorado (practice to open in 2013) Tammas F. Kelly, MD, Fort Collins, CO Scott Shannon, MD, Fort Collins, CO Libby (Elizabeth) Stuyt, MD Pueblo, CO Florian Birkmayer, MD, Albuquerque, New Mexico US West Coast Maria Yang, MD, Seattle, WA (relocating, not currently taking patients) Prachi Garodia, MD, Medford, OR James R. Phelps, MD, Corvallis, OR Malika Burman, MD, Portland, Oregon Paul Conti, MD, Portland, Oregon Paul Abramson, MD, San Francisco, CA Ira Steinman, MD, San Francisco, CA (antipsychotics only) Steven Balt, MD, Walnut Creek and San Rafael, CA Eleanor Hynote, MD, Napa, CA (deceased) Peter V. Madill, MD, Sebastopol, CA Elizabeth Bowler MD, Davis, CA Christina Lasich, MD, Grass Valley, CA Kent E Rogerson, MD, Stockton, CA BENZOS ONLY Eric Noble, MD, Los Angeles Allen T. Pack, MD, Los Angeles, CA Linda D Moghtader, MD, Beverly Hills, CA Brett D Shurman, MD, Los Angeles, CA David Rekar, MD, Los Angeles, CA Stuart Shipko, MD Pasadena, CA Joe Gallagher, MD, Freedom, CA (see Pajaro Sunrise Center) Debra London MD, Ojai, CA Windhorse Integrative Mental Health (inpatient), Northampton, MA and San Luis Obispo, CA CANADA Javeed Sukhera, MD, London, Ontario IRELAND Terry Lynch, MD, Limerick, Ireland (not accepting new patients) Ivor Browne, MD, Dublin, Ireland Pat Bracken, MD, Bantry, Co. Cork, Ireland John Lalor, MD, South Kildare, Ireland UNITED KINGDOM Robert Lefever, MA, MD, B Chir., South Kensington, London (addiction focus) Bob Johnson, MD, London (not accepting patients) Sami Timimi, MD, Lincolnshire Peter Haddad, MD, Greater Manchester Duncan Double, MD, Suffolk and Norwich David Healy, MD, North Wales Nagore Benito, MD, London AUSTRALIA Rob Purssey, MD, Brisbane, Queensland, Australia (will Skype in Brisbane) - note: see this post Yolande Lucire, MD, New South Wales, Australia Dr. Shaun Tampiyappa with Conduit Health in Melbourne Australia NEW ZEALAND Tony Coates, MD, Auckland FINLAND Jeremy Wallace, MD, Vantaa, Finland Hasse Karlsson, MD,Turku, Finland DENMARK Lisbeth Kortegaard, MD, Hoejbjerg, Denmark NETHERLANDS See the 22 psychiatrists listed at the end of http://survivingantidepressants.org/index.php?/topic/5195-tapering-strips-to-be-produced-for-paroxetine-and-venlafaxine/?p=66738 INPATIENT (RESIDENTIAL) FACILITIES CooperRiis Center, North Carolina Pajaro Valley Sunrise Center, Watsonville, CA (in fundraising stage) PSYCHOTHERAPY John Breeding, PhD, Austin, TX Mary Jean Paris, PhD, San Francisco, CA Barbara Croner, MFT, San Francisco, CA Jon Keyes, LPC, NCC, Portland, OR (will refer to Amenda Clinic for tapering, prescribing, nutrition etc.) Will Hall, PhD, Portland, OR Eric Buck, Holistic Therapy Onlilne, Sacramento and Davis, CA National Empowerment Center (Dr. Daniel B. Fisher's organization) guide to consumer-run organizations http://www.power2u.org/consumerrun-statewide.html Aku Kopakkala, psychologist, Finland If you consult any of these providers, please let us know your experience. Midwestern Center for Anxiety and Depression -- Has anyone tried this program? I keep reading good things about it, but I'm sure its biased sources. I'm curious if anyone has tried it
  3. Please note the following: See journal articles about PSSD in Papers about Post-SSRI Sexual Disorder (PSSD) Please note that SurvivingAntidepressants is a site for tapering and recovery from withdrawal syndrome. While we see PSSD sometimes as an aspect of withdrawal syndrome (and we see gradual recovery from it as well as withdrawal syndrome), this site is not specifically for discussion of treatment of PSSD or its neurological origins (which at this time are highly speculative). If you wish to discuss symptoms, theories, and treatment of PSSD, please go to these sites: PSSDforum https://pssdforum.org/ Yahoo group SSRIsex (log in to http://Yahoo.com to join) Facebook group (log into Facebook.com to join) Various pages on Rxisk.org
  4. It is so gratifying to see psychiatry held accountable. Thank you Ang, Horowitz, and Moncrieff for not letting psychiatry off the hook! * Is the chemical imbalance an ‘urban legend’? An exploration of the status of the serotonin theory of depression in the scientific literature by Benjamin Ang, Mark Horowitz, Joanna Moncrieff Received 23 November 2021, Revised 26 March 2022, Accepted 9 April 2022, Available online 18 April 2022, Version of Record 25 April 2022. Link to full article, available for free: https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S266656032200038X?via%3Dihub#bib14 * Abstract The theory that depression is caused by a serotonin abnormality or other chemical imbalance has become widely accepted by the public and is one prominent justification for the use of antidepressants. However, it has been increasingly questioned and there is little evidence it has empirical support. In response, leading psychiatrists suggested it was an ‘urban legend’ that was never taken seriously by the psychiatric profession. To interrogate these claims, we examined the coverage of the serotonin theory of depression in a sample of highly cited and influential academic literature from 1990, when the theory started to be popularized, to 2010 when these responses were articulated. We analysed 30 highly cited reviews of the aetiology of depression in general, 30 highly cited papers on depression and serotonin specifically and a sample of influential textbooks. The majority of the aetiology reviews supported the hypothesis, including some that were entirely devoted to describing research on the serotonin system, and those that reviewed the aetiology of depression more broadly. Research papers on the serotonin system in depression were highly cited and most of them strongly supported the serotonin theory. All textbooks supported the theory, at least in some sections, and devoted substantial coverage to it, although some also acknowledged it remained provisional. The findings suggest that the serotonin theory was endorsed by the professional and academic community. The theory is compared to an exhausted Kuhnian paradigm with professional equivocation about it acting as a means of defending it against encroaching criticism. The analysis suggests that, despite protestations to the contrary, the profession bears some responsibility for the propagation of a theory that has little empirical support and the mass antidepressant prescribing it has inspired. *
  5. So recently I had to stop taking my lexapro… been on for 7 years stopped at 5mg…. Having issues with Parkinson’s movement tremors.. my eyes when I look left or right get stuck and cause me to have a seizure like symptom. Cannot focus my eyes. Feels like I’m going cross eyed and then starts the seizures… is this normal? It’s been 3 weeks now since taken… thinking of going back on so I can work and be normal!! ADVICE
  6. Hey everyone, My name is Abby and I have been off Prozac for 3.5 months now. I'm currently experiencing intense withdrawal and the return of mental states I never thought I'd have to experience again, and I would really like to connect with others who are going through similar during this long, difficult process. Background info: I always had tendencies towards anxiety, depression and obsessive compulsive disorder (the Pure-Obsessional variety) since childhood. At 16 these symptoms very rapidly became so severe my whole life fell apart within a matter of days (Going on the contraceptive pill at this time may have been a contributing factor). I didn't have a full breakdown until I was 18, at which point I was taken to the doctor, put on Sertraline, and referred to psychiatry. The following 8 years consisted of several psychiatric admissions, different drugs including clomipramine, seroquel, mirtazipine, prozac, and possibly a few others for shorter periods. I lost pretty much everything, my obsessional fears were so strong that I attempted suicide more than once, developed a bad cocaine/mephadrone habit, was a constant worry to my family. There were times, however, where the medication would help a lot. At 60mg of Prozac I went through some periods of being functional - I went to work, got into a relationship etc. These were a great relief but I can't say I was truly happy as the fears were never properly dealt with. My last hospital admission was in 2014 when I was 24. I had attempted to come off medication as I believed I had to deal with the underlying problems, and I hated the weight gain side effects. Looking back, this was doomed to fail as I was still using cocaine regularly, drinking a lot, and didn't have any proper support mechanisms in place. I was fine for 6 months then crashed, was borderline psychotic with the OCD symptoms, depressed and anxious beyond belief and desperately wanted to die (and believed I deserved to). I was in a psych ward for just over 2 months before new meds kicked in - clompipramine and (randomly, I don't know why) Epilum, as I was told it 'balanced moods'. A year later I went back on to old faithful Prozac and also came off the contraceptive pill. I had always been told the same about it, that it leveled out moods, and don;t think it's a coincidence that my symptoms became much more manageable a few months after stopping it. I then managed to stay at 40mg for 2 years and my life changed drastically for the better. to myself and everyone around me it was like a miraculous recovery - I stopped taking drugs, began volunteering at a Buddhist meditation centre, got my dream job, published a novel, did newspaper interviews about my experiences, ...I pretty much had my dream life. It was like being reborn after thinking everything was all over...forever. It was in January 2017 that I decided to gradually wean off Prozac. Over the following 10 months I reduced until stopping completely in October. In these past 2 years I have done extensive mind training and spiritual exploration, which has probably been the main factor in this recovery. My life is pretty much dedicated to this practice now - I still volunteer at the meditation centre, go on meditation retreats throughout the year, and have also completed a Reiki Mastership. It was always potentially on the cards after exploring my mind with psychedelic drugs in the past, doing past life regressions and also taking Ayahuasca twice in ceremonies. It was around the time of the reiki mastership that I was weaning off the last of the Prozac. Things became challenging - but at first I welcomed it. I was in a strong place mentally, and my mental health hadn't plagued me intensely for a few years. I was made aware that the Reiki energy can churn things up to be healed, but I think that the combination of this, a massive flare up of a back issue that left me not able to walk for weeks, family pressures and intensive mind exploration during retreat that has led me to my current situation. Since December just passed things have been incredibly difficult. I have experienced a return of old OCD obsessions, to the point where I've had panic attacks for days that made my vision blur, heavy depression, crying all the time, existential fears and experiences which medically would look similar to psychosis (although I believe that term can pathologize important and natural inner processes), identity confusion etc. I knew it would be hard, I just never expected to feel this level of horror ever again. Having said that, I know things are different this time round - I have a level of insight gained through spiritual practice that is keeping me going. Energetically, I'm aware that I am creating this reality on various levels, and that I need to relax as much as possible to allow it to pass through the way it's supposed to. I'm no stranger to facing the darkest parts of the psyche, but it's still terrifying and I'm struggling to cope day to day. To make matters worse, my Mum has gone abroad for cancer treatment and I'm now caring for my little brother and sister 4 days a week which is incredibly stressful (I'm used to having my own space and being able to retreat when I need to). My CBT therapist has discharged me as she feels I cannot engage with therapy under this amount of stress, but encouraged me to come back when my Mum gets back. To be fair, she never taught me anything I didn't naturally learn in meditation and I was only seeing her regularly to comply with services. I have however started going for reiki treatments with the person who facilitated the course I was on last year - he is exceptionally intuitive, knowledgeable and takes an all round, individual approach. One session with him last week was worth a year of 'traditional' therapy. So I'm hoping that continuing with this will help. Anyway, sorry for the essay. I don't have many people to talk to about all this. It's also weird for me to ask for help now as I haven't needed it in so long - I'm usually now the one that helps everyone else. It's a scary and heartbreaking thing to go back to a place you thought you'd left long in the past, but I do believe deep down that I have done so in order to face my demons fully and emerge stronger in the long run. Thank you if you made it this far, I'm looking forward to connecting with others on this site. You are all incredibly strong to be doing what you're doing, no matter what stage you're at. Much love x
  7. Hi everyone. first off all i want to say how strong and brave all of you are to be dealing with these nightmare drugs... i have been on and off of these psychiatric drugs,for 5 years. specifically srris (prozac + zoloft) wellbutrin + gabapentin, abilify, and now currently taking lamictal (150 mg.) i am 36 weeks pregnant and terrified of the near future and as i haven't really been able to fully enjoy my pregnancy. or most of my youth... i don't even know what i am thinking or doing. i feel really alone. the reason of going on these meds was from dealing with depression + anxiety most of my life, and bpd + ptsd from abusive narcissistic parents. i attempted suicide right before. took about 50 pills. i had a very dysfunctional family. i am 22 now. i feel lost, most days i feel empty ,hopeless. i don't go out of my house, besides grocery shopping. i have no friends. maybe 1 but i barely ever see her , i have a social phobia ever since starting and withdrawing from these drugs. i developed major anhedonia from stopping the prozac + zoloft. even though i took one of the lowest doses possible. i had only been on these for 9 months or less. i remember stopping, as i was sick of depending on these. they told me they werent addicting and i could stop anytime,they told me nobody has ever had these symptoms, they lookde at me like i was crazy. made me feel isolated. i regret going cold turkey.. i remember being manic on them. severe anxiety, hallucinations insomnia, crawling sensations brain zaps major anhedonia, memory loss, etc. i hadn't been myself since. i was grieving my old self, it is one of the worst things you could ever experience. i didnt even know was possible. but here we are... anyways, i have been off the prozac + zoloft for almost 6 years now and wouldnt ever touch those things again. i took abilify for only a few weeks. amitryptiline once or twice. ambien, once. ativan only for a week. ive been off the gabapentin for almsot 3 years now. i tapered that one. after going off cold turkey off the srris, i went on wellbutrin and took that for 3 years, and gabapentin for 2 years. i went off the wellbutrin for a year, then went back on, which i regret once again. i took the wellbutrin for 9 months then stopped, again,to get pregnant at 150 mg. then went back on... at 8 weeks pregnant for about a month. then stopped. then started a drug called lamictal , i am now at 150 mg. i am just over all of this and wish to be drug free, but it seems impossible at this point and afraid ill never recover completely. i am afraid of experiencing anhedonia memory loss as i did before with the srris + wellbutrin. i have sever memroy loss. i feel like i cant even keep up with a conversation because my mind goes blank.. i have depersonalization now. i just dont want to accept this is the end, this is it,,. it can't be. but how is this any way to live? how am i supposed to raise a child into this world.. it all seems unfair and i feel like an absolute idiot for getting pregnant, i thought it was meant to be at the time, but im second guessing it all now. im very afraid. do you think i could stop the lamictal and get back to my old self one day? ive thought about natural holistic alternatives such as turmeric + lions mane, ginger + l theanine, magnesium, ashwaghanda rhodiola + brahmi + holy basil + cacao coffee, etc. and some work but i dont know if i should continue taking after the pregnancy and just rely on these. i dont want to exist if this is truly how life is.. i wish i never took these awful drugs. i feel its the worst thing that i could have ever done, i want my old life back even if it was so painful. atleast then i still felt alive in a sense. thank you all, i wish you all the best in your recorvery + healing journeys.
  8. The following was posted by a reviewer on the iherb site, offering her responses to the supplement 'Jarrow Formulas, TMG, Trimethyglycine. I take the liberty of posting it here as I was struck by how much benefit she claims to have derived from TMG. I am NOT in any way involved with the sale of this or any other health product. The following testimonial is copied from: http://www.iherb.com/product-reviews/Jarrow-Formulas-TMG-Trimethylglycine-500-mg-120-Tablets/141/?p=1&fr=5 "TMG is a godsend. When I went off antidepressants rather suddenly and was fishing around for something to stop panic attacks and intense bad moods, TMG was the first consistent improvement. Four years later, it is still an indispensable part of my regimen. Perhaps its most important effect is recycling homocysteine into SAMe, which has antidepressant effects. Unchecked homocysteine sensitizes neurons to glutamate toxicity, and probably harms new neurons trying to grow in the hippocampus. Other B-vitamins have also helped me, especially B-2 and B-6 (pyridoxamine), along with fish oil and a non-choline source of uridine (for example magnesium orotate, or triacetyluridine). Some of these will help migraines and focus along with mood. I take 500 to 1000 mg TMG a day; much more may raise cholesterol. Don't mix with acetyl-l-carnitine (and in fact, if you're depressive, I'd advise against acetyl-l-carnitine altogether, thanks to its acetylcholinergic activity). TMG raises carnitine levels itself, and has a mild choline sparing effect. SAMe, by the way, is similar but not so safe; the surge in SAMe levels will create a surge in homocysteine. I tried combining the two, hoping TMG would recycle the homocysteine back SAMe, but I've found TMG on its own most stabilizing and effective."
  9. Hi people. I’ve been roaming around here since about 2 weeks ago and I finally decided to make an account about 2 days ago to get some help. So let me tell you about how this started and where I am today. I started taking the antidepressant sertraline in at the start of 2015 or even maybe late 2014, I’m not quite sure and don’t know how to get my medical history but I should try and get it. I was almost 14. It was for anxiety and depression that came with it, which now I look back at was not that serious like a lot of people say. I took 50mg and along the timeline of just less than 2 years on it, I think it changed to 25mg once or twice. It might have started at 25. It didn’t work for me as I felt numb and would have had sexual dysfunction (still felt interested and had a bit of function. A bit of numbness and only the slightest bit of pleasure) but didn’t know at the time because I didn’t experiment that much. I stopped taking it and shortly after started on fluoxetine late 2016 I think, at 15 years old. Began at 10mg and felt ok and again not too sure on sexual function but not completely gone. I didn’t feel as emotionally numb. I still didn’t feel reallyhappy so after about a year, it went up to 20mg. This is when I felt really happy and stuck with it. I had the odd occasion where I couldn’t cry but I was fine. Now let’s get to more recent experiences. In May 2020 I turned 19 and started thinking about my sexuality deeply and thought about how I didn’t feel right. I couldn’t get proper pleasure but thought maybe I wasn’t trying hard enough. But, weirdly I was watching something and they said they couldn’t comebecause they were on antidepressants and that was all they said but that was enough tocatch me and I wanted to know more about that and I googled antidepressants and sexual side effects. I obviously read that they can cause you to have difficulty orgasming and have less sensation and it would go away if you stopped. So it made sense and I wanted to get off as soon as possible. I unfortunately read about how you can get off them and saw you shouldn’t have to taper at all with fluoxetine. So. I just stopped taking it on 18th June 2020, just over 4 months ago. I said Iwould go back on if I started to feel bad after a month but I felt pretty fine and just had a few side effects that I thought would get better quite quickly and not get worse. All of July I was feeling a bit worse but fine. August, I started to feel more numb and had stomach issues like loss of appetite, pains and diarrhoea. I thought this would just get better soon. I noticed during that month I did start to feel more sexual and thought I was soon to be healed. I would also get aroused out of the blue, it was kinda uncomfortable and I felt extra sensitive all around. Again I thought this was things getting back to normal and it would pass. And by late August I didn’t feel so emotionally numb too and was laughing more. September is when things got worse. Continuing stomach problems and crying and remembering feeling more anxiety that I hadn’t felt in years. I’ve lost about 6 pounds since then and I’m a slim person. So not happy. I would get the odd time I would get aroused randomly, but not bad. I still experience SD, or PSSD, but don’t know if even to call it that since I’m still going through withdrawal. October- this is when it got really bad.Things started to get more intense. My eyes started to deteriorate. A bit of blurred vision and pain, mostly in my left eye which the pupil is always bigger. It would hurt more with more carbohydrate and unhealthy food, whichlead me to believe I might have diabetes but I was tested and I don’t have it apparently. I’ve heard that a large percentage of serotonin receptors are in your gut so it makes sense that certain foods would change the serotonin and cause me to feel different, but mostly my eye. My body is feeling very sensitive. My ears are more sensitive to sound, still having trouble eating, more and more unwanted arousal, but still sexually numb. It has started to hurt, and over the past week, like right now, it’s hurting even more. My whole body is hurting but mostly my nerves in my genitals and legs. I get shooting pains in my head, which started about a week and a half ago, which send pains into my body. I also get numb points, like in my face, back and legs. I get pains when touching these areas. The medication really seems to be wearing off now. I have also had a bit of brain fog for a few weeks, but now it’s strong since the head pains, along with emotional numbing. I’ve not sleep well at all for the past week which is making things a lot worse obviously. So I’ve been thinking about reinstating for a few weeks since things keep getting worse and not better. If it gets much worse I don’t think I’ll be able to cope. But could this get better with time? I have read about reinstating; mostly what Altostrata has said about it. So I looked at some medication that I still have left and they are capsules with powder, but I know it would still be possible to take a low dose of it. I don’t have scales for mg measurements but I would take a VERY tiny amount of it and would see how it would make me feel. It would definitely be less than a mg. On Saturday, I opened one tablet, tipped out the contents and left a reeeally tiny bit of it in there and thought about swallowing that. Half an hour passed and I said no. I didn’t want to go back and I thought maybe it’s a sign that I will get better with time. But I really need to know whether going back on now would be best or not because it might get too late. I’m very worried that it might not make things better and just hold things from getting worse if I reinstate, and I will have to deal with these symptoms for a long time. I don’t want things getting worse and then staying like that. Now I’m thinking it would be best to go back on. I just don’t know. Right now I don’t feel like the pain is unbearable but I really hurt. My brain and nerves are hurting as I type. I feel less anhedonia today and colours are quite bright. But I feel less like crying, since these head pains and body pains started getting worse about a week ago. Something seems to be shutting off.
  10. Hello everybody, First I would like to say that I am new here and hope to be able to contribute well in this forum. I apologize for any grammatical mistakes, I myself come from Germany and translate most via google. Now my story: (please read it, I'll try to be brief) I've been dealing with genital numbness long before I've ever taken a psychotropic drug. I have had pronounced depression and anxiety since around 2012. My first antidepressant was fluoxetine, which I gave myself in the summer of 2015. I loved it at first: it did not make me feel negative things so strong but I was not a "zombie". It also seemed to improve my genital numbness, all worked fine. In conjunction with alcohol, it gave me a wonderful, light feeling that I will never forget. In the spring of 2016, I switched to fluvoxamine, as fluoxetine barely helped me against anxiety, and the effect seemed to be abating in general. I call it about a year until the spring of 2017. Since this also only weakly helped against fears, and also hardly any effect, I put it off. A few days later, I got genital feeling numbness, but at the time I still had a girl and a strong libido. I first came across PSSD but thought maybe my depression just came back and PSSD is a scientific hyphenation. The numbness improved fortunately within 2-3 months, at the end of the year my libido and feeling was more intense than ever. All I had to do was look at a woman's back and was excited. My experience with drugs was rather positive until then. Now comes the misery: In a clinic (where my libido was so good) I had Trazodone prescribed. I had constant sleep disturbances and fears, depression was well under control. I took 100 mg for one week, I got restless legs syndrome and could hardly sleep. My libido was fast in the basement, as I've never known it in my life. I did not know sexual discomfort until then. I still could get an erection, but orgasm was not so intense and my sperm was waterier than usual. I thought (unfortunately) I let the drug adjust something to my system. From the second week on was dosed to 200 mg, I was finally able to sleep. But I became so dizzy and generally uncomfortable with Trazodone. I really felt like a zombie, almost remotely controlled. It felt like acid was eating through my spine, as soon as I took the pills on my tongue she became numb. I also got spontaneous erections, but when I tried to do it on purpose, it barely worked. So I set off Trazodone after 9 days (7 * 100mg, 2 * 200mg). My worst nightmare came true: I got genital numbness, my libido just did not return. I also noticed an emotional numbness. Now I know that PSSD really exists. I hate myself for getting myself into these pills again. All I wanted to do was sleep again and not have any constant anxiety attacks anymore. The withdraw is now soon 3 months ago. I still have almost no libido, and genital numbness. Also sometimes testicular pain. I feel cold and warmth, and pain, but hardly any normal touch. I tried St. John's Wort with Ginkgo and Maca, I had some emotional and libido windows but I stopped because my d*ck went more numb. Now I'm taking chlorella, curcumin, green tea and maca. Sometimes I feel something like arousal again, but it's hardly fun because it feels so numb. I sometimes have brain zaps too, is that a good sign? I want my life back I never thought that my life would be so changed by 11 stupid pills from ******* pahrma mafia. regards
  11. NOSEXscitalopram I am a 23 years old male and I was prescribed antidepressants 2 years ago, which permanently damaged my sexuality. It was Spring 2017, after a stressful period of time caused by anemia, I began experiencing symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder. I started having depersonalization, a state in which a person feels "detached" from their mind, thoughts, and emotions. I tried psychotherapy for 2 months, but it was not beneficial for me at all, therefore my next decision was to make an appointment with a private psychiatrist. He prescribed me an antidepressant called ‘Escitalopram’ (also known under the brand names of Cipralex and Lexapro) and said that these medications were well tolerated and the ‘only side effects’ that most of his patients experienced was a dry mouth. A couple of days after starting the antidepressant, my genitals became numb and my sexual functioning decreased by around 50%. I literally felt like I was 90 years old! During my second appointment, I reported this side effect to the psychiatrist, and he reacted by prescribing a different antidepressant. Unfortunately, it was causing the same problem. We then tried a third one which caused more sexual side effects. I kept taking it for about 3 weeks and decided to quit as I had had enough. My psychiatrist informed me, that I might get withdrawal symptoms which are mild and last around a week. When I discontinued the medications, I went through hell! I experienced horrible brain zaps, anxiety, sadness, shaking, insomnia, sweating, and severe problems with concentration - it all lasted about 7 weeks. Additionally, the sexual side effects still persisted at that time - I thought that it could not be possible, so I visited my GP. I had all sorts of medical tests that revealed no abnormalities. Furthermore, I got back to my psychiatrist with the issue, who said that in some cases antidepressants cause permanent sexual dysfunctions. I was terrified. Then I got referred to a urologist, who confirmed that my problem was caused by the antidepressant and unfortunately there was no treatment for it. I am now stuck with permanent damage from these medications and there is no help for me and many sufferers at all. This issue was first reported to regulators in 1991 and the first time any regulator actually confirmed the problem and requested updates of all SSRI/SNRI leaflets was the European Medication Agency in May 2019. Still, there is no research into it and many GPs say that PSSD does not exist. How horrible life can be when you have a condition, which existence is denied by pharmaceutical companies and even medical professionals. I am in an anhedonia state, which negatively affected my progress at university, and destroyed my relationship. I do not think that I will ever be able to have my own family that I have always dreamt of. Antidepressants permanently damaged my sexuality and left me suicidal. But of course, these medications are still recognized as safe and there are more and more people who are prescribed and take them worldwide.
  12. Hi guys, Here is a little about me: I’ve been on antidepressants most my life. I didn’t have a good childhood and I thought these pills were the godsend answers we all wanted. I thought antidepressants were equivalent to insulin to diabetics. I honestly felt the worst on my concoction of pills. I was on something like 600mg of Seroquel XR, Valium, and something else to “help” the Seroquel. I felt more suicidal. I was put into a psych hospital for a week and I met a doctor who told me that my problem is hypothyroidism. He said so many doctors will overlook this one and go straight to psych meds. I got my blood checked and it showed I had low T3 and T4 cells. Pretty much that I do have hypothyroidism. I wanted to thank him the next day, but I found out he was “let go”. I had to do mandatory therapy (well they said it was mandatory, I don’t know if that was a lie) and DBT and CPT was great. I really enjoyed it. Well after I graduated, my therapist said I was cleared of everything. I still followed up with my psychiatrist for meds. She was gone on maternity leave and a younger male psychiatrist filled in for her. Before she left, we were tapering my meds. Now I didn’t know antidepressants caused withdrawals. I thought it would be like birth control where if I stopped, things would adjust back to my normal self. Well I reduced Celexa from 60mg to 50mg, reduces Lamictal, got rid of Abilify and Prazosin. I got super sick around 4 days but I didn’t have a fever. I also felt much more strange. Everywhere in my body hurt from each hair follicle to a single cell. It was the strangest pain and honestly I was ready to die. I couldn’t think of what would get me sick. My husband and I ate the same food and nothing changed except my medication reduction. Could that be it? One google search and wow. What is this “SSRI withdrawal”? There was so much about the world of antidepressants. From money to politics to health to bribery to black mail to media, antidepressants are a huge commodity. I saw both the pros and cons, the light and the dark. I was angry. I was angry at myself, the (American) medical system, and having withdrawals while finding this out sucked. Sucked super bad. I didn’t know the chemical imbalance was marketing plan. I totally fell for it. Never in my life once have I ever gotten a test done to show what my imbalances are. If a test even exists. I went back for a follow up at the mental health clinic I was assigned to after the week hospital stay and saw the fill-in while my main psychiatrist was away on maternity leave. I asked him, “how come no doctor ever in my life, ever told me about the pros and cons of antidepressants? Why did they just feed it to me?” And he replied, “each doctor has their own ethics.” And I said, “so I’m going to be possibly stuck feeling sick from withdrawals the rest of my life?” And he replied, “You’re going to be stuck with depression for the rest of your life.” He said it in a tone where he was getting angry. He then commented how I’m probably going to need medication for the rest of my life. At this moment, I knew things were bad. I got myself into a huge mess. And no doctor was on my side. Thats when I started to google everything. I even came across this site and some others too. A lot actually. I started to taper on my own following guides. As a matter of fact, I hate to say this because pharmaceuticals is a touchy subject, but I have gotten better and throuough advice from people online rather than my local health professionals. People online have given me better advice than licensed doctors....I’ve single handily experienced incompetent doctors and now I feel ‘trained’ that I just cannot trust American doctors with my mental health anymore. I’m afraid anything I say they will use against me. That my withdrawals are my symptoms coming back or my withdrawals are helping “new” underlying mental problems appear. I remember when I was 19 or 20, a psychiatrist was diagnosing me and finding pills using some app on an iPad. No blood test or brain scan. No science. Not even using the DSM. Just a free iPad app anyone can download. Let me wrap this up. I honestly abused antidepressants for 5 years. I would stub my toe, get mad, make an appointment, get a new drug or increase dose or both. I literally thought antidepressants were magic. I felt the worst in those 5 years. I was so cloudy, depressed, a huge mess. I thought this was normal and it’s the “depression” as my doctors would call it. After the fiasco of finding out about withdrawals, I was more than ready to stop. I tapered too fast. Celexa was the most difficult. I started tapering Celexa in April 2017 and stopped my final dose on Dec 2017. Celexa has given me the worst withdrawals. I lost my job due to constantly feeling ill and hallucinating/dreaming. I can’t do basic functions such as math so finding a retail job isn’t doable right now. My speech isn’t the same and I have a more difficult time with vocabulary. My stomach will cramp and I will get nauseous. When I do, I hallucinate like I am having a psychedelic trip on a substance. I recently found out that me “dreaming” while I’m awake is called derealization. I gave myself an injury because I felt like i was floating and dreaming, which ended up costing me a trip to the ER. I had the “lol so what? ;p” mentality. Now I have permanent ugly scars that remind me of this everyday. I deal with mental struggles because I had a bad childhood. That’s a given and that’s life. But I felt that was an excuse to give me all these labels and load me up on pills. And an excuse on my part. I do believe my health now is me “reaping what I sowed” because I did go to the doctors like it was a candy store. Both doctors and myself are to blame. I was ignorant and naive and I followed the crowd and I am literally reaping what I sowed. Pharmaceuticals is a touchy subject and I just want to be good terms. I’ve been called out saying that I’m ignorant for labeling antidepressants as crap as it has helped some people. A gal I grew up with is becoming a nurse and asked people’s opinion on Big Pharma, mainly opiates. As a matter of fact, she didn’t know antidepressants were part of “Big Pharma”. So I left a comment (Facebook) about how she should look into antidepressants as well. Another girl I grew up with whom is also becoming a nurse told me it’s ignorant and wrong of me to say that as it helps her with her chemical imbalance. She then proceeded to say and that you can find depression with brainscans and what not. And then linked a bunch of articles. I decided not to argue becaue she’s learning to become a nurse. I feel that’s like me joining the NRA and my husband trying to tell me guns are bad. In other words, I was walking into a lost battle. With that, I was asked to write an introduction. I know antidepressants are touchy so I won’t argue with anyone whether they’re good or bad. Like DBT and CPT taught me, to each their own. I don’t mean to offend anyone with this as this is my personal story. Currently, I am on the road to recovery. Some days are okay and some days are not. Thank you for taking your time to read this.
  13. Hello dear fellas! I am in the same boat like you and I was thinking a lot about creating a topic here. I am a male, 30 years old. My story began in 2010 with a depression I had, which faded away by itself, and was caused by my traveling and settling in a new city in order to study law. It was all good until summer 2012 when I went through a panick attack. It happened to me after a very very intense exam session. This threw me off balance and gave a start to a 4 year struggle with panic, anxiety and I guess a depression, which was caused by all that. After that much time I decided to pay a psychiatrist a visit, who is a close family friend. She prescribed me a drug called Atarax, which helps with sleep. After a few weeks, and feeling drained and drowsy as hell I decided to quit. No problems whatsoever. I told myself I don't need that, I am not sick and that I have enough power to beat a condition like this. And it happened. In the time between January 2017 and June 2018 I was happy and enjoyed life. A stressful event - an argument with my parents and girlfriend, all at the same time, plus the stress from my job, I went back to the pit I was in. On 3 June 2018 while I deriving my car to work I suddenly had a flashback, remembering the time I felt anxious and sick. This was the exact moment when I felt anxiety, fear and thinking I am sick in my head. All was back - the panick, anxiety, fear, sleeping troubles sometimes. Then, on 27 August 2018 I went to see another psychiatrist who put me on Parix (Paroxetine) and Fluanxol (Flupentixol) which is allowed to be sold here in Bulgaria. At the begging of taking the drugs I felt agitated, had vivid dreams, sweating at night, but it all went away. I was gradually getting better. The thing that bothered me the most was the feeling of being constantly sleepy and tired. I had problems with memorizing and I felt somehow detached from the world. I wasn't that bad, I was working at the capital city of Sofia by that time and all was good overall. After a year I quit the Fluanxol under my psychiatrist guidance. Another six months after I quit the Parix as well, of which last 3 months were meant for tapering off the drug. I felt some discomfort during that time not knowning it was signs of withdrawal. On January 2019 I went down to 15 mg Parix, 2 or 3 weeks later I was on 10. It was here where I felt something happening with me but kept going as I was told to. 6 weeks I was on 10 mg, then 2 weeks on 5 mg, and last two weeks 5 mg, skipping a day, plus Magnesium, which was prescribed from my doctor. I felt kind of OK until 25 April 2019, after a cup of coffee. Then suddenly I felt agitated, got scared of what was happening and this marked the begging of my withdrawal. I began shaking, like I was in a hypoglycemia (happend sometimes to me in the past, before drugs). I lost my appetite, fear ran trough my head. In the time before and after that I was feeling detached from the surrounding world but I wasn't aware of that till last few months where I felt more and more alive. The feeling was as if I was living in a cocoon. I felt jittery all the time, my sleep got bad. I was sleeping 5 or 6 hours, with adrenalin waking me up at 5-5:30 am., feeling dreadful. I could feel the fear inside my gut. Which prompted me to go to the toilet immediately. I was having diarrhea. Strange sensations in my head appeared and stayed until May or June. Can't refer to them as brain zaps, but felt pretty similar. I felt that with my head as well as with my body. At different points in the following months it was getting even worst - tinnitus, nausea, consonant anxiety and fear, depersonalisation, total loss of doing activities, including working, despite the fact of doing so.In July I felt pain in my back which was never there before. My head felt in a way you feel that when you were get there flu. I was thinking I had fever but actually never had. At that time stomach acids emerged out of the blue. I wasn't eating something different or I have never eaten for the acids to appear. They stayed for a week, then went away. They got back for a few days in August and then dissappeared. Another thing that hit me difficulty speaking sometimes because my jaw muscles were super stiff. As well as my legs and arms. Crying spells were bad. I even cried once in front of my girlfriend after seeing a scene in a movie. I was having a ball stuck inside my throat. Sometimes I had difficult times reading. It was as my eyes were jumping across a word rather then following it instead. I had no sex drive at all. I had neuro emotions which was very frustrating. I was not able to feel happy, I guess it was anhedonia. I guess I don't remember all symptoms but the feeling was constant misery. At the time September 2019 passed I began feeling a bit better. Nausea, tinnitus, muscle jitters were gone. I slept better. Crying spells faded away with time, as well as the ball inside my throat. But feeling the recovery was slow and definitely in waves and windows. The thing that was there all the time was bad derealisation, the feeling "there is something in my head making it feel like having fever", blurred vision sometimes occurred. In the months after I got better until February 2020. What happened felt like someone smashed me in the ground. I was feeling like relapsing. It was unbelievable that I was feeling kind of OK for being in a withdrawal and then, a day after it was all back - anxiety, bad derealisation, fear, bad sleeping. I was aware of the community here, I have read a lot about withdrawal and this is what was and is still keeping me going. Apparently I skipped the part about the 10 month wave. I was so relieved when I got to know about it that I immediately felt better and reassured myself it is not a relapse. It passed after 2 weeks. I felt better afterwards. In the begging of May 2020 I felt a bit strange feeling in my nose, as if I wasn't able to feel air, you know you kind of feel it when it goes trough your nose. It passed in a few days. After that I got rinnitis out of nothing. Stuffy and runny nose, as if I got allergy from pollens. This kept going for about 10 days and made me feel irritated as i never had it. It was like that until 15th of May when I received a phone call from my dad. He said he is now feeling well, and has fever. He reckoned it may be the coronavirus. I felt bad, really bad. Scared and fearful. The same night was bad, I couldn't sleep. In the morning the anxiety feeling in my head was back. I was very worried about my dad. He passed a test, which was negative. In a few days we already knew he just had inflammation on the bladder. But my constant anxiety stayed. My muscles began getting stiff again. My sleep got disrupted. I am awaking in 5 am every morning. I feel terror after waking up from the adrenalin rush (or cortisol, I am not sure). I am having diarrhea again. Sweaty palms and feet. I am overthinking all the time. I lost appetite, interest in involving into any activity. I feel almost like in the early stages of withdrawal, only without the dereaIisation, which makes it even scarier to me. I was hoping to find support here and help me distinguish whether it is a relapse or a wave , because till now I knew it is a wave, but this time it feels pretty real. I am constantly asking myself whether is it possible to get such a massive set back after going trough waves that were not that bad followed by a nice window. Any advise would be highly appreciated. Thank you! P. S Sorry for the long post!
  14. Hi all, I am writing from the BBC. The Victoria Derbyshire show in the UK are producing a short film about anti-depressant withdrawals and are looking to speak to individuals who have used local street drug dependency services for support throughout this process. If you are someone who has used the support services of street drug charities in the UK for antidepressant withdrawal and are interested in taking part, please do reach out to me via the personal messaging system . We appreciate the very sensitive nature of this difficult experience and anything spoken about will remain confidential unless otherwise agreed. Many thanks.
  15. I have been on citalopram since 2009 then it stopped working. The Dr put me on citalopram and mirtazapine combination which worked for a while then that stopped working. The Dr then put me on mirtazapine and Venlafaxine 150mg XL combination which workes for a while again ans then stopped working. The Dr put me on amitriptyline 50mg saying thay would be the best drug for me while i took 8 months to slowly remove each bead from Venlafaxine capsule to come off it. As soon as I took my last beed i went into crazy angry depression. The dr increased my dosage of amitriptyline from 50mg to 150mg but the side effects were horrible and at this point i got sick of these meds and decided to quit CT. I had horrible withdrawal symptoms and i started acting like a child and not being able to walk, had balance problems. I reinstated back to 50mg amitriptyline since april 2018 and i have been getting worse. I cannot sleep. My vision is so badly affected that i have grainy vision and floaters have increased dramatically . I see after images and it's as if the lights have been turned off. When i begin to fall asleep, i start to have dreams before i actually fall asleep and my brain keep. Waking up just before i am about to sleep. I cannot follow conversations, I mishear things all the time. I am totally dependant on others and i feel people think i have gone crazy. I don't know what to do i am getting worse and worse. I often trip, lose my balance. I hardly have any short term memory and cannot do simplest of things. I cannot even watch anything on TV as i cannot follow.it I'm having major concentration problems. I don't know how. I'm writing this. I cannot work or drive. Please you have no idea how i am putting these sentences together. I need urgent help. Please advice. I have no energy, no appetite. If I'm posting this in the wrong place, please accept my appology as I can hardly read and understand things. P
  16. Hi all!iam new to this site also new on antipsycotics. i believe you do great work about helping people from what i saw until now and i would like to say my problem to see if someone has experienced it and how can i possible deal with it.ok lets start recently my mother had an appoinment with her psyc doctor about me to talk about some issues.the days before that i did a minimun dose of MDMA .when i was on the docs office i started feeling fear and i said to him everything about what drugs i tried in the past.i was unable to conCetrate or talk normally i was feeling intense fear and panic for something bad will happen.the doctor said that iam on a psycosis episode and he told my mother that he needs to hospitalize me and to investigate what is happening to me.he prescribed me zyprexa about 10mg a day and after 3 days i went in to start the "therapy".the 1st days was ok the doctors was asking me things (for only 15-20 min a day) and i was really thinking that is a way to do good to myself cause i didnt knew. now the bad part begins. in day 10-12 on zyprexa i noticed changes in my breast start to grow but i didnt gave so much weight cause i was eating like a beast.then i started feeling like i could not have sex at all.i said these things to doctors and they were like "oh you might have that but they will go away".then i asked to stop the "therapy" but the doctor said he can not let me go out cause he thought i have an episode or something.my mother agreed and they kept me 5 more days in against my will.i refused to take anymore the zyprexa pill so they convinced me to take invega instead for 3 days.i took it cause i was something weird was goin on inside my head and i was convinced i need the pill cause iam mentally ill.anyway from that day i knew that keeping me in against my will and giving meds is illegal and the only thing i want was to go out and stop the pills(extremely difficult).at least i did it i went out of there but on the 17 day with a lot of pressure SO it might be a short time(21 days zyprexa and invega)taking that pills but i noticed these symptoms and i want your help (ITS BEEN A MONTH IAM OUT OF THESE DRUGS )BUT STILL HAVE THOSE SYMPTOMS my breast grew (not noticable from others but i believe that is the start of man boob thing) i have no libido lack of motivation lack of concentration anhedonia muscle stiffness some tremors on muscle still anhedonia depression more than ever feeling like a zombie lying in a bed all day suicidal thinking i want you to focus on the breast enlargement (man boob thing) and and the sexual dusfuntion am i have to be like this forever?anyone had gone through it ? also i have to say that i did hormonal test and my prolactin levels was back to normal and the testosterone levels was good too but my breast is still bigger and my libido and my sex drive is still messed up. i now that is not a serious thing to talk about but i need help and iam despaired i dont know what to do my parents and doctors dont believe me about all these things. also dont forget to say iam a mucisian iam playing drums and have a lot of interest on sports like skate and football.its like i lost my skills my interest i cant listen to music like i did and i cerntailny believe my legs are damaged due to the movement disorders now iam stucked in home crying and do nothing only searcing for other cases like me to reliefe the pain HELP I THINK MY LIFE SCREWED FOR EVER NOT LOVE MY SELFE ANYMORE ETC AND ALL THAT FOR 20 DAYS thank you for listening me
  17. Hello, My Achilles tendon of the left leg hurts a lot (the one of the right leg only a little). I've been trying to avoid impact, warm up well before exercising and apply heat (cold worsens the situation), but the pain is getting worse. I can not even walk without limping! I'm almost reaching 50% of my initial dose of 150mg venlafaxine (Effexor) and somewhere around the 40% I started having muscle and joint pain. During my withdrawal from benzodiazepine last year, this type of pain was my main problem. At one point I became bedridden. Will it be the same with the antidepressant? I'm very scared! In particular, I don't know what to do in relation to my Achilles tendon pain. Should I see a doctor? I am sure he/she will prescribe a bunch of medication, muscle relaxants, etc. that I do not want and can not take, and perhaps some useless and time consuming physical therapy. Has anyone had this kind of problem? What did you do? Thank you for your ideas!
  18. Hello, My name is Olivia and I’ve been on and off antidepressants for the last 10 years. It’s crazy to say that, because it goes to show how much it has affected my life. Since the first pill I took in 2009, my life was forever changed. It started when I CONVINCED myself I had ADHD, even going as far as to cheating a medical exam that “could prove” if I had it or not. Actually taking the medicine, I felt so good, so absolute sure I was going to be cured, and successful. That all came to an end when the lack of sleep lead to a full blown panic attack that lead me to the ER, only to find I was in fact NOT dying of a heart attack. When I got off the medicine (40mg 1x day of Dexedrine), I went into a downward spiral. This was when I decided to take a semester off from art school, and get better at home. The break didn’t do much, I really needed therapy but instead I went back to finish school, this time I would take another drug to help me focus and something to help me sleep. It was trazadone and focalin I took next. It got me through my senior year of art school, barely. As soon as I walked to get my diploma, I decided to cut those drugs cold turkey. I was in a fog. My boss at my new job, working at a grocery store, almost fired me because I didn’t appear present nor happy. But I assured them I wanted the job, just needed to get some personal stuff out of the way. To which brought me to Zoloft. It helped my energy and feeling of balance again. The side effects, I didn’t realize until years later, were joint pain. I was blinded by the fact that this drug was helping me, that when I started to have severe pain in my body, I thought for sure it was something I had developed since my family has a history of autoimmune diseases. Sure enough, I went on to taking in addition to Zoloft, a non narcotic pain medication by the name of Neurontin. I was taking neurontin 3x day 300mg each. It helped, but I was still a mess. I lost most of my close friends from college, even though we lived in the same town. I was living with a family of alcoholics just so I could live in the expensive city I went to school in. Then I decided to go back home. It was the best choice I had ever made. It lead to the support of my family and eventually, I was able to get off the meds. It took seeing my family to help me take a good hard look at myself and to decide what to do next. I got off my meds cold turkey, had the worst zaps whip and zip throughout my body and brain. For two weeks I couldn’t stop crying. Eventually those withdrawal affects went away. I would like to say I continued off the meds, but only after two years of being off them, I was in another crisis and too afraid of my emotions. I was dealing with a whole new set of life changes again, and I didn’t know how to cope with them. But the new therapist who I had really could understand me and she helped me find a good combination of antidepressants. It’s been three years since I started back on the antidepressants. Im currently taking 40 mg of Paxil, and 150mg of Wellbutrin. A lot has changed over the course of three years. I ended up moving back to where this whole cycle started, living in my college town, but this time with a new feeling of confidence. I started a new career. I gained a new relationship with someone really understanding and great. I don’t feel the need to change anything. Except for one thing. I want children. It won’t be for another couple years until I start trying. But I think about the complications and what my medicine could do to a child if it were in my body. I also wonder long term. Can this really be safe? Why am I taking antidepressants if I no longer feel depressed? I thank you if you’ve gotten all the way through my story. I know it’s a lot of information. Please give me any advice or tell me how you honestly feel about antidepressants. Seeing the harm it does to people really scares me and I’m very afraid of being off the medication. I wonder if I’m tainted or damaged because of my history with them. I wish I could go back in time, never had taken the pill that started this whole ordeal from the beginning.
  19. hey! I just joined this site. I am a 23 year old female and took citalopram from age 16-19. I experienced genital anaesthesia, no libido and complete loss of sexuality and hoped that this would stop at discontinuation of the medicine. However I have been off the medication for 4 years now and nothing has returned back to normal and I still experience the same symptoms. I am so unhappy and frustrated about this. Has anything been found to restore sexual function, sensation? Are there any cases where PSSD actually went away after some time? Any information would be so helpful
  20. Hi, I really don't know how to do this so please bare with me here. I have never used a website like this before - So I am new here. I don't know what else to do at this point. I am looking for some help and support from people that know what I'm going through and have experience in this area. I have been on Lexapro for over 3 years now - 20mg each night. On January 1st I decided I was going to taper off, like I have in the past with other drugs ive been on. It was my choice, I wanted to be completely free of any antidepressant or antipsychotic pharmaceutical, Lexapro was my last step/drug. At first I was doing ok - I went down from 20mg to 15 mg for about 30-35 days, then went from 15mg to 10mg for about another month or so. The 20-15mg was mild and tolerable but when I hit the 10 mg stage, I could really feel a difference. It was not pleasant and I wanted to go down faster but stuck it out for another month before I went down from 10mg - 5 mg. I was still sleeping during this time even tho it was different, I felt like If I was still able to get sleep that that was a good sign. The 10-5mg drop down wasn't too bad, I actually felt better on 5mg then 10 so I stayed on the 5mg for about 3 weeks. At this point I was cutting my pill into a fourth so it didn't feel like much. I felt well during this time I decided to drop down to 2.5mg. I didn't feel too much of a change and felt confident I could finally get off of this drug. So in a matter of about 2 weeks. I continued to go down from 2.5 to half, 1.25 and at that point I was dealing with such a small dose in my hand I just kept cutting the pill into smaller pieces. I probably should have stayed on those small pieces longer than I did, I think that was my error maybe? After 2 weeks I thought there was no point in taking crumbs of Lexapro, I thought it wasn't hurting or helping, so I could just stop taking it. I figured 3 and a half months or so was a patient and slow enough taper right? Well it turns out I was very wrong. The first day or two completely off of Lexapro weren't too much different, I actually felt relieved and like I had finally made it and crossed the finish line. I have been taking melatonin 5mg each night for the past year so this is all I was taking at that point and was still able to sleep even tho it felt different I was happy I could still sleep since I have always struggled with insomnia. But after about 3-4 day mark, I could really start to feel the withdrawals hitting hard. My brain went foggy and I started having what everybody calls the brain zaps, those were terrbible. I kept telling myself I can do this, I can make it, its just part of the process. well during this time now about 4-6 days of no Lexapro, I started getting really angry all of sudden, like full or rage for no apparent reason or if it was for a reason, it wasn't a valid reason to feel the anger and rage I felt. I became severely irritable and mad and ofcourse my best friend, the only one who has helped me through it all, couldn't be there for me. I didn't blame here, but it was very scary and frustraiting to have no help and to feel so helpless. I knew I was hitting a wall and my body was and brain were struggling and I needed help. Well filled with rage, I said some irritable things to my friend, nothing irreparable but very strong worded that I felt like I wasn't getting support that I needed. Whatever I said had a stronger reaction than I thought but all I could think at the time was trying to get through the next moment, one moment at a time. I couldlnt think of anything else. Anywyas this friend has now disappeared and doesn't trust me, but I have this happen before when Ive struggled. Its probably my fault but I do try to be a good person as much as I can but when I'm struggling and have no help I don't know what to do and lash out I guess at the person closest to me. I feel terrible this has happened but not much I can do at this point. Anyways, I continued going through withdrawals the second week. I could feel the brain zaps were diminishing which felt like progress but than the panic attack hit me. Out of nowhere I woke up in the middle of the night after taking melatonin like I always did and I woke up in some sort of half awake/half asleep way full of panic and struggling to breathe. I felt like I was going to die or atleast faint and hit my head on something and no one would know. I didn't know what to do. Ive never called 911 before but it felt like the only option I had. Those 15 minutes were the longest in my life or atleast it felt that way. The kind operator kept me calm and dispatched help on the way but I could hardly breathe and felt like I was going to pass out at any moment. my body at this point was shaking uncontrollably like I was freezing, and I couldn't stop it. all I remember is just trying to stay awake/alive until someone got here. I heard a knock on the door, it opened and the first emt that I saw walk in to my room all of a sudden gave me so many mixed emotions and feelings all at once. I felt extremely relieved and so much of the anxiety dissipated as soon I saw help had arrived. also I was struck with embarrasement and guilt at the same time as I had just then realized I wasn't dying and it was a panic attack and extreme anxiety. They took some tests and talked me through it and told me it was a panic attack. They were extrememely kind. I felt terrible I had wasted their time. But I truly felt like I was going to die. This was a scary wake up call. I knew I had to do something and I was scared it would happen again. The next two nights I would drive 45 minutes to my moms apartment to stay with her and I have no one else here or place to go. I wanted to be around someone. I slept okay that night but the second night only slept a few hours and the panic attack trioed to set in a few times those nights as well but I was able to realize what was happening and ward them . off. At this point I had to try something else for sleep to maybe replace the Lexapro? that's what I thought. So I started taking zzzquil which is just diphenhydramine like Benadryl. for the next week I would take that and melatonin and would have some success and some relapse of panic attacks throughout the night. during week 3 of being completely off of Lexapro, I could feel that my body was anxiety ritten. Just chalk full of it. I was thinking fast, talking fast and anxious about everything and could not relax no matter what I did or what breathing exercises or meditation. I continue to try natural approaches and personally feel I am a strong willed person but at the end of week 3 it became too much to handle. I caved in. I felt my body craving the Lexapro and as much as I didn't want to go back on it, I didn't know what else to do. I decided to take an extremely small dose probably .5 mg to 1mg just to see what would happen. Immediately I could feel the anxiety lessen and the first day or two felt like it was the right choice. Now here we are Monday 5/21/18. It was 10 days ago when I decided this. Since it felt right I continued to take a very small dose approximately 1 mg of Lexapro and the melatonin and now the zzzquil at night. My body and brain have been feeling all sorts of things - headaches all day, brain fog and uncontrollable brain feeling/thoughts at night right before I fade to sleep and yawning all day at work. Ofcourse I started a new job last Monday with delta that I will have to give up since I just cant manage now. This whole last week was probably 4 days of good/ok sleep enough to function/3 days of small panic attacks and anxiety and worry and not great sleep. But I thought this was better than before. I did continue to up the dose slightly each night and last night I think I took 2.5-3mg but its hard to say since I'm pill cutting and they are so small. I thought this was the right thing to do, but last night was the kicker. I was hoping to get sleep to continue my new job today. However I had a severe panic attack much like the one when I called 911. This time I knew what was happening so I didn't call them but it didn't make it any easier. I called my brother just to have someone to talk to. it lasted for about 20 minutes as my body continued to shake uncontrollably and I felt like I couldn't breathe but continued to try to breate and stay calm. This time it didn't go away. I couldn't go to sleep until about 4 am and woke up at 9 and still feel like my brain has this lasting hangover. Its hard to explain but I feel this imbalance in my body/brain, and I feel like panic can hit me at any time, even after I had some breakfast I felt panic and shortness of breathe so I am now afraid almost to eat or drink anything. I had chicken soup and water and have stayed home from work, called in sick and have called a doctor and will most likely go to the local urgent care tonight. Here is where I don't know what to do and would welcome and appreciate any input or help. Thank you for reading this far if youre still here. -- I am out of answers and don't know what to do tonight for sleep or if I should still take the Lexapro, or take less of it or if when I see a doctor I should take a new drug - everything seems not so fun and not like a good idea. So I feel like I am stuck. My health insurance sucks ofcourse my fault, I have some money saved up but that was for all the debt I still have so it will be hard to see that go. I am scarted to take the zzzquiil and have purchased so valerian root, ive heard its good but I'm nervous to take anything new at this point. I hope whoevert I see tonight will have some insight but I am not so sure they will, ive never had much luck with doctors. I am more scared than ive been in a long time. The last time any of this happened was during my divorce. it was an all time low point in my life. I had been on Seroquel for about 8-9 years, Depakote and lithium for about the same. I found myself not caring about my life and my marriage and everything I knew had ended/ust been taken from me. During this time I had more complications than ever with trying new drugs and coming off of these old ones. Klonopin helped but then I became dependant on it every day and used for over 2 years but I successfully withdrew from that last year, it was hell. I'm sorry to ramble on. And I'm sorry for everyone who has to deal with this. I feel incredibly hopeless and alone. I feel like I have failed once again at holding a job and becoming self dependant. Once again I am a man who is sick and troubled and always needs help and cant support myself. I hate this feeling. I just want to get better. I have been striving as much as I could over the last 4 years to become healhty, on less drugs, better eating habits, working harder and making enough money to support myself and all the good stuff that ive wanted in a healthy life but I have failed once again. If you have any input or knowledge of this type of thing or have an idea of what ive done to myself or what I can do I would greatly appreciate your help. Thank you for listening
  21. Zoloft withdrawal success - my story When I first decided to wean myself off of Zoloft, I searched the internet for stories about people who had successfully gotten off antidepressants and had trouble finding them so I promised myself that if I made it I would post my story. Tomorrow, will mark my "no Zoloft for one year" anniversary. In that time, I haven't used alcohol or any other mood altering substance either, and I'm doing fine. It hasn't been easy, and it took a while, but I made it and I was able to function, to work and to take care of myself throughout. Diagnosed with social anxiety and depression when I was in my mid 40s, I was put on Zoloft and stayed at 200mg per day for around 5 years. The Zoloft helped me. It took the edge off of my anxiety, and since my depression was the result of my anxiety, it helped with that as well. Another pleasant side effect was that I lost a few pounds. So why would I want to stop taking it? The Nurse Practitioner who prescribed the meds was puzzled. It works, why stop taking it? I can't fully answer that question, but I think it has something to do with the fact that I've struggled with addiction my entire life. Drugs, alcohol, food... maybe I felt like by taking the Zoloft I was avoiding dealing with one of the major themes of my life. Whatever the reason, I wanted to stop taking it. I'd tried twice using the NP's tapering recommendation, which was to decrease by 50mg every week for a month. I never made it past the first week because I'd have flashes of disorientation and dizziness (which I didn't mind) and then become anxious and depressed (which I did mind). She told me Zoloft didn't cause withdrawal symptoms, it was my natural state of anxiety and depression returning, so I needed to stay on the Zoloft. I knew I was having withdrawal symptoms, but they were so intense I couldn't function, so went back on the Zoloft. Then my mother told me that she had weaned herself off of Premerin by doing a very slow taper over the course of a year, so I decided to try that. My plan was to decrease the Zoloft by 25mg every month over a period of 8 months. The first month was fine. I'd have rough patches, but they were manageable. After 8 months I was off the Zoloft but a few weeks later, I started having withdrawal symptoms including what people refer to as "brain zaps." I called them "head rushes" because it felt like my brain was being flooded by chemicals. Then I became anxious and depressed again, so I decided to go back up to the lowest dosage where I felt good, which was 50mg. Then instead of tapering at 25mg per month, I reduced it to 10mg a month, and that is how I eventually got off the Zoloft. Whenever the withdrawal symptoms became uncomfortable, I'd go back up to a "comfortable" dosage then begin tapering in smaller increments, a "progressive taper," similar to what is recommended in the book "The Anti-Depressant Solution," and on this website. Eventually I had to buy a milligram scale (available on amazon), because the increments became so small. I was amazed how sensitive my body had become to the tiniest adjustments in dosage. The last month I was down to 5mg, and I stopped taking Zoloft completely February 1, 2014. One year ago tomorrow. I was on 200mg of Zoloft for 5 years and it took 2 ½ years to taper off completely. It took a long time, but I wanted to taper safely, physically and emotionally. And I did. During that time I was able to work and to meet all my social commitments. At the suggestion of the NP, I joined a social anxiety group which used Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. She warned that I shouldn't go off the meds without addressing the underlying cause, which made sense to me. However, I also believe that much of my anxiety and depression was situational, even though she maintained it was my natural state. When I first came to her, I was going through an extremely stressful period of my life. I was having problems finding work and didn't know how I was going to pay my rent or survive from month to month. I went on one job interview after another and I think social anxiety and depression were my way of trying to protect myself from more rejection and failure. So how do I feel now, one year later? I'm doing okay. I occasionally get a head rush, but it's very mild. I wouldn't today describe myself as either socially anxious or depressed, but I know that this is how I react to stress, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has helped me develop strategies for dealing with those tendencies. 12 step programs, self help books, spiritual practices like yoga and meditation, healing modalities like Reiki, and individual therapy have all been part of my healing process as well. On this journey, life has given me both challenges and assistance in dealing with social anxiety and depression. For example, as I was tapering I started dating someone for the first time in years, and we had a fun relationship which helped heal a lot of issues relating to social anxiety. Then, after two years we broke up, so that offered its challenges, but I didn't sink into depression, which was kind of amazing. At the time, I also had bed bugs which deprived me of sleep and sent my anxiety through the roof, but I survived that too. (The bed bugs did not.) My ex-boyfriend introduced me to hiking, which I loved, so I started going to hiking meet-ups and found a circle of friends who also love to hike which helped heal a different aspect of my social anxiety. Also, becoming more physically active probably helped with the depression... In other words, life went on. There were challenges and there were opportunities and often the challenges were the opportunities. The Zoloft helped me get through a very difficult period of my life, and I'm grateful for that, but I had no idea what I was getting myself into. But here I am, 8 ½ years later, and I haven't used Zoloft or any mood altering drugs, alcohol or coffee (all of which affect my anxiety and depression) for a year. Today, I feel optimistic and hopeful. I know life will have it's challenges but also that I have resources and strategies to assist me, and I am grateful to all who have helped me on this journey; therapists, teachers, friends, strangers, nature, and also to life itself, which Eckhart Tolle calls "the greatest guru of all." Do I have moments of fear and anxiety? Yes! Do I have moments of happiness and joy? Yes! Do I have moments of depression and sadness? Yes! Do I have moments of laughter and silliness? Yes! All of it, yes. What I was dreading is that it would be unending anxiety and depression, and that hasn't been my experience. Life is okay, with its highs and lows and all of it. Like Snoop Dogg says, "it's all good."
  22. Hi, As I am new to this forum I like to introduce myself. My name is Jennifer and I'm from Holland. I'm 33 years old. I have been on celexa for 17 years.. got forced by my parents when I was 15 and haven't been able to quit them since. Now I'm 3 weeks into weaning of again and it has been hell. I went from 20mg to 15mg and am planning to stay on 15mg for 3 months or at least till I'm stable again. I'm also planning to have fluods instead of pills so I can wean off more slowly as I feel I'm going too fast now. My withdrawal symptoms are: headaches, nausea, dizziness, fatigue, feeling numb, hard time spelling words, no apatite, panic attacks at night, severe neck pain. I hope I will do better soon..
  23. I'm a 28 year old man from Greece. I am suffering from ssri side effects 8 years now. I think that Imight suffering from withdrawal symptom (or Pssd). I don't know also if there is a difference. I was diagnosed with OCD in 2009 and I was on Prozac from 2009 to 2014 daily on 60mg. On this time interval I have noticed that I had weak erections without paying real attention. But when I I had awful experiences with women where I didn't have enough erections then I realized that the prozac may be the cause. I haven't taken it since 2014. Occassionally I was on zoloft to 20mg (the indicated dose for ocd) but I stopped them gradually. Since April 2017 I am not taking any medication but I have to confess that I have to tackle severe side effects such as erectile dysfunction, muted or inability to orgasm I noticed also impaired seven quality and sometimes the quantity was insufficient (almost zero). I am in a bad situation and I feel regretful for taking these drugs. I preferred to have OCD (or whatever mental illness is this) rather than facing impotence and inability to have children. Has anyone an idea about what am I supposed to do?
  24. JanCarol

    Peter Gotzscke Melbourne Talk

    Peter Gotzschke recently came to Australia, and toured around our cities, lecturing sometimes 3-5 times in each major city. He had an important message to bring, and his reputation preceded him - lots of pdocs came, and other care providers. Some of the pdocs argued with him (in Brisbane) about the value of "forced treatment" and neuroleptics, insisting that the benefit of these drugs "saved lives." Here is the Melbourne talk:
  25. Here I am, lost and Confused as usual... I was mean to the one I love and scared him away to sleep on the couch... how many more times will he be able to take my emotions? Luckily, we don't have a kid - but we do have a kitty. I am in love with my little family and the world is so harsh... I am not from here. I am from another province full of energy pillpoppers and alcoholism and cold-hearted humans. This province was opportunity to escape, and I needed it. Sometimes I get scared that I cannot escape my problems again and I want the pain to go away. I want to start over... all the time. I was too old to be adopted, but accepted into a family still. I was given a voice, but I used it to disagree. Surely I am an adult, and I should be treated like one. It is always money and no one else wants to be wrong when I'm around. I am kind. I am honest. I am an animal lover. I don't do drugs that aren't prescribed and I don't hurt anyone if I can help it. Why am I the easiest one to blame? I can take abuse, but never the emotional kind... please don't raise your voice or yell. My new mom was so quick to put me on drugs to mold me into her perfect doctor. Surely I gained weight when I moved out, because I stopped having constant meals and money was a problem. It was the first time I stopped consistently taking my drugs. No one ever told me how to take them properly, and I've yet to take them at the same time until recently. I'm unsure what to do with my iron pills, but they seem to be the only ones helping. Maybe there is a reason I bought Omega 3 Fish oils and vitamins. I am a pale-skin colour-sensitive woman with major PTSD from childhood trauma... I finally removed my mother from my life - but the other snakes slowly replace her. I was never checked up on as a child, I never knew what normal was. I was never anorexic but I don't remember eating because my mother told me we were both picky. I have terrible teeth, and I'm overweight. I cut all my hair off because I make impulsive decisions... but it's growing back healthier! Just not fast enough. I've lost another job. This is the first one that got rid of me. I called in sick in my probationary period, because I was withdrawing.... And I have no help.... I don't want to go to the doctor anymore. I was free of pills and almost maybe doing okay but Effexor found its way??? And I've never felt the pain of trying to quit until now.. Hot and colds and puking all over the floor... financial issues are a big thing and my man cannot do it alone but I have no money and we are slowly diminishing. I don't want to eat when there is food, just so it'll last a bit longer... I need help but everyone is so damn quick to put the pills back in my mouth and make sure they're swallowed. I am probably a hereditary bipolar... if I would have been helped I might have done better. I started smoking a bit more pot and it gave me the confidence I needed to do research and learn... sometimes I try too hard to put together pieces of puzzles I don't understand and I start to sound crazy to anyone looking to listen or judge... I'm on my period and I'm practically anemic, so the withdraws are definitely just the cherry on top aren't they? I do my best late at night... I forgot to take a pill to wean myself off of and it was so bad. The last few days I took 3 then took the risk of 2 but managed to take 1 and live... maybe I can handle the pains if I sleep more. I don't feel like I have a reason to live, so maybe sleeping will help me catch up. I'm hungry.... I didn't think I'd write this much... or anything at all. I am thankful for this forum... thankful so many can submit stories to compare. I was an ugly child, but I was somewhat smarter than most when it came to random things. I think the fact there were too many people in the room made it harder to learn. It's hard to be a tomboy and a partial nerd when the boys want to touch you. When did becoming promiscuous get so easy? If I could take it all back, I would have stayed smart... but there were too many distractions. I think the drugs helped me even hear better and that made them so easy to take. Maybe the absence of them will influence a loss in this extra 40 pounds I carry. Maybe all of my problems were unknown withdraws from each and every new miracle drug. I smoke my weed to help me remember... I know some may disagree - but I am already damaged and I only reap the benefits. The ability to feel hunger... I only feel it when I'm starving and it's too late. Where do I go from here? I've been checked into the psychward as an adolescent many moons ago... I'm in my 20s and I don't want to be stuck there, and without my little kitty. He purrs when I cry, and makes everything okay. I even considered joining the army because I didn't mind dying, but I could never survive the time away. I think I will be okay in time... I hope it doesn't get too hard. I haven't taken any specific pill consistently, so I'm unsure of what to compare - and the doctor doesn't even know what she's giving me anymore. Oh. You're hurting? There's a drug for that. Let me write you something. Sorry for the rant. Thanks for listening... Good vibes only, please. I used to be so quick to judge and assume people want to yell DEPRESSED because it's trendy... when the 20 something years of pain is something I'd never wish on my worst enemy... I know the difference now, and all I want to do is help people. My problem is all I do is help everyone else and I'm left to pick up my own pieces that I didn't know were missing in the process.
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