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  1. ThisTooShallPass

    ThisTooShallPass Introduction

    Hello All! I am glad to have found this website, it has helped me to know that I am not alone in all this craziness and has helped me though some difficult withdrawal symptoms. I finally decided to become a member as I want to talk with others going through similar things. It is important to have support. So here is a bit about my story. When I was in high school, I started having these horrible, disgusting, debilitating violent intrusive thoughts. They mainly seemed to focus on the people I love most, which was so incredibly distressing to the point where I would feel phsyically sick to my stomach. I was so freaked out about what was going on that I barely talked to anyone about it, my doctor included. The most I would say is that I had "bad" thoughts. I eventually told my parents they were violent thoughts. I wanted medication because I thought that was the answer. I didn't consider therapy because I didn't want to talk to anyone, I feared I would be put in a mental institution. The doctor diagnosed me with GAD as I of course had high anxiety due to the OCD thoughts, and put me on Lexapro. I was on this for 7 years, gradually tapering by 5 mg increments this whole time, purely because I knew I didn't want to be dependent on medication for my entire life. The Lexapro did take my thoughts away, although I have a suspision that they were still there in the back of my mind and the medication just made me not notice them? Sounds weird but idk. After being completely off Lexapro for a month or two (after tappering in a sporadic, almost cold turkey method from 5 mg), I had a severe panic attack. Before the attack being off the Lexapro, I actually felt better in ways. I felt i could feel real emotions such as being truely in love with my boyfriend. I had libido for what felt like the first time ever, it was intense. And this made me happy because i felt like I was feeling real human emotions! But after the panic attack, I was in a constant severe state of panic, anxiety, and psychosis. I honestly have no idea how I didn't miss a day of work due to all this. Finally after a couple of weeks I put myself back on low doses of the Lexapro until I could get into my doctor. She recomended going to 10 mg so that is what i have been on for about a week and a half, started on May 27th, 2015. I've had times of starting to feel better but have still been struggling. Feeling doom and darkness often, some derealization/depersonalization, and return of the awful intrusive thoughts, they are constant and debilitating. They make me so sad and I feel like a horrible person for having them. And I've been dealing with the fear of acting out on them, even though I know I never will it is a debilitating fear. I read the book "The Imp of the Mind" by Lee Baer, and that helped me to know I am not alone in my fears, I would definitely recommend it to anyone going though this sort of thing. My boyfriend said that for a very short time after coming off of the Lexapro completely that it was like he could "see" me. Like he could see the real me for the very first time. I realized then that the meds seemed to make me a complete zombie. I also have been realizing multiple negative thought patterns that I have been practicing that I didn't even realize on the medication. No wonder I have become such a miserable person! It was as if the medication made me unable to think for myself, have opinions or make decsisions. Has anyone else felt this way on an antidepressant? I want to taper off for good once I stablize on 10mg, but the hellish withdrawal symptoms are the worst thing I think I may ever experience in life. Also, does anyone else struggle with violent intrusive thoughts? I want to connect with others going through the same thing and also to let you know that you are not alone!! Thank you to everyone who took the time to read this! Hope, peace, and love to you <3
  2. Hello, thought I'd post here as it seems like a fairly supportive place. Here's my story... In 2003 I was put on 20mg of prozac for instrusive thoughts (mainly the fear that I would lose control and attack others). It improved my mood, however, it did cause emotional blunting. Incidentally, it didn't have any effects on either sexual function or cognition, so I was happy taking it. I was able to function fairly well whilst taking it. I then stopped it (cold turkey) for 8 months in 2008. Had no physical withdrawal symptoms, but I did feel really depressed for all the time I was off it - more so than I had been before I started taking psych-meds. I then went back on it and experienced some minimal start up effects - was then largely back to my old self. Could work, enjoy life again, etc. However, around 2010 to 2011, I started to find that things weren't so great. I developed really bad IBS around that time - frequent bowel movements, lots and lots of wind and bloating etc. At the time I just tried to bear it/treat it with things like peppermint oil, probiotics etc - I didn't think it could be related to the prozac (now I suspect it was). I also started to become a bit more anxious around that time. I felt more on edge, felt very fidgety, even had some days where I had the fear of harming myself or others again. As I felt the prozac was quite activating, I felt that it was contributing to me feeling on edge. So in August 2011, I switched from fluoxetine to citalopram. The doctor told me to wait 3 days after stopping prozac, then go for 10mg cit, rising to 20mg after 10 days. I think I lasted around 2 weeks before feeling incredibly agitated with the intrusive thoughts affecting me badly. The doctor told me to stop the citalpram for the time being and gave me a small supply of diazepam to take if things got worse. However, I didn't need to take it, as after a few days of quitting, I felt much calmer. I told the GP that I wanted to remain drug-free for a while. I felt great for a while - no agitation, yet by December, the depression had kicked in again...so I went back to the GP and asked for citalopram again, and that's when the real fun began... I took 10mg of citalopram from December through to late January - probably around 6 weeks maximum. However, I found that I had quite bad agitation around the 5-6 week mark, which was probably just when the drugs were starting to kick in. Aside from that it had minimal affects on sexual functioning, cognition and vigilance So I then stopped taking it. I thought that cold turkeying would be fine given I'd only been on it for 6 weeks. I experienced some mild brain zaps, and then thought that the worst had passed. However, the intrusive thoughts came back with a vengeance around 6 weeks after stopping it. They were really bad this time - I felt unbelievably agitated, felt like I was about to lose control, etc. In desperation I went back to the GP who prescribed clomipramine. I lasted 11 days because of bad IBS, anorgasmia, and nasty blurred vision. I then decided to go back onto 20mg prozac again as it seemed to have worked in the past. However, I experienced nasty agitation as my body was getting used to it - also, this time it gave me really bad sexual dysfunction. I took it around late July 2012, cutting down to 5mg by early November. It worked well for depression, but didn't touch the intrusive thoughts - I still had the 'pure OCD' thoughts of harming myself and others. I also had sexual problems on 5mg, so I quit at 5mg. Didn't have much in the way of physical withdrawal. Lasted around 3 months before the depression kicked in. In addition, even though I was off the drug, it seemed to have messed with my sexual function. It was ok one week, but non-existent the next. Kind of like some kind of PSSD. It was affecting my studies, and although I didn't want to take any more drugs because of my experience with citalopram, I decided it would be the best thing to do. So, in March this year, I tried sertraline 25mg. I was going to give it a good couple of months but had to quit at 4.5 weeks because it literally made me stupid. I was sleeping 10 hours a night, had really blurry vision, so had to stop taking it. I just couldn't study/function like that. Incidentally though, it led to improved sexual functioning for some reason. I knew that the depression/pure OCD thoughts would return unless I was on something else, so I went back on citalopram, this time at 5mg. After a month, all the intrusive thoughts were gone. I felt sedated, could drink coffee again, and it improved my mood too. However, the problem was, was that citalopram had caused visual problems just like the sertraline had. While not as bad, they were still annoying and prevented me from studying as well as I wanted to. Around 6 weeks ago I made the decision to cut 25% - I know this was a big cut, but I figured that since I'd been on it for a few months only, it would have been ok. However, while it improved my vision, around a week ago I felt the intrusive thoughts/anxiety returning again, so have updosed back to 5mg/day. I am therefore in a bit of a dilemma. While ideally I want to get off these drugs, using the 10% taper this time, at the same time, 5mg of citalopram, whilst working well for anxiety and depression, has also meant that I can't function as well as I want to. I'm a postgraduate student and have to use a computer a lot. Also, I'm coming to the end of my course, and will need to find a job soon. I'm not sure how I can support myself for several months that it will take to drop from 5mg to 3.75 or lower, which is when the visual problems become less of an issue. I may even have to go slower than 10% of my previous dose each month. I have a number of questions I'd like to ask you all: 1) Why is it that when taking prozac again last year it caused sexual side effects when previously it had not? (ps - I have had a blood test and everything, inc testosterone, is ok) 2) Is it possible that the 6 week spell of citalopram last year, followed by the cold turkey, changed my brain in some way? I'm saying this because I didn't have the blurred vision on citalopram when I took it for 6 weeks at 10mg, but do now at 5mg. 3) Would a switch to 2.5mg of escitalopram be a possible solution? I really don't want to take any more drugs, but I'm thinking that because escitalopram is so similar to citalopram, it may be ok to switch over (and could possibly have fewer visual side effects). Many thanks for reading. PS: I know that I was put on these meds for a reason, and that reason still remains. However, at the same time, the feelings of tenseness and agitation (which trigger these intrusive thoughts) are considerably worse than they were before taking meds, which leads me to think that the meds have messed up my brain in some way (part of me worries that its permanent). However, I am working on the deep seated issues with counselling and self-CBT.
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