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  1. Hi new here Got tired of the BenzoBuddy board, just felt like I didn't belong there...trying this-I'm a MadinAmerica fan, and have read about this forum there. Today is the beginning of month 6 off 0.5mg of Kloncide which I took for 10 years about...I did experience K withdrawal when I was given it while insitutionalized in 2001-I went to jail for 4 months for trying to get away from my estranged abusive husband...I took the kids, who were my life, and fled to Canada believing that there was sactuary there. My mistake. I might also mention I was taking Paxil during that time; looking back I wonder if this played any part in my decision making. My ex was able to take the kids, the house(s) the business, EVERYthing after I served him divorce papers after years of psychological and, ultimately, physical abuse by using the Domestic Violence Prevention Act. He had a good liar (lawyer) and I had zilch. I was working as an RN at the time, and the sheriff came and served me with the papers initiating the above while at work. He hadn't had a job in 30 years; we survived on a small nursery business and he grew a small amount of marijuana for sale...we lived as a family of 5 on about 500 dollars a month. He is an alcoholic...I don't know what I was thinking except he was charming and very intelligent. He was pals with all the liars in town and the judge-our land partner was the head of legal aid in our county. I had no money for a lawyer, and LA wouldn't help because the considered it a conflict of interest. Anyhoo...my now young adult children are loyal to him...they think I'm a whiner, and now that I'm having this withdrawal experience, they can't/aren't able to understand my position. I have pressured them for support, and they just can't do it. I am alone in this...I eventually went on SSI due to encounters with the mental death system-I'm bipolar, they said, and will have to take meds for life. I've taken so many meds that the last 15 years are a blur...my first AD was prescribed when I became suicidal after the birth of my youngest son. It's been a wild ride since then. I have a handful of friends who love me and support me as best they can. I had to quit my part-time job due to the benzo rage, the d/p and d/r the agoraphobia. I sometimes have difficulty paying for food at the end of the month. I got frustrated on the BB site due to all the suggestions for suppements and DVDs and youtubes and therapy, right...every-freeking-thing costs money. I don't have an internet connection so use the leaky wi-fi in my neighborhood when available. I have a small container garden that is my one small bright spot. I live in a beautiful place but it is overrun with 'ganstas' who ruin the environment with their greed for $$$. I live in the marijuana capitol of the country...and that is all there is here...very little going on socially or very little organizing for the future. It's all about money and big diesel trucks and trips to Thailand... I've lost much empathy (see above) I am so judgemental...I screen people carefully before letting them into my life. My symptoms right this moment are agoraphobia, major major insomnia...suicidal ideation...feelings of hopelessness...I was abused as a child, my whole life has been shi**y, and I just can't see how anything will get better. I read a review of 'Anatomy of an Epidemic' in my erstwhile New York Review of Books-that Marcia Angell is really something...I checked the book out of the library, and soon started d/cing the Depakote I had been on for years...my last AD was mertazapine, which made me into a fat pig, when before I had been nicknamed 'skelator' by my kids... I tapered the last drug, the K, for a year and a half, thinking I would be good to go but NO...7 weeks out from jumping I had some major stressors...and began the horror of the akathesia (sp) I felt as if I was metabolizing jet fuel,,,relentless sleeplessness...weakness (formerly quite active since I get around without a car) my blood pressure was way high...I did not know what was going on. I went to the clinic and they of course, wanted me to get back on the Depakote, cuz, you know, I'm bipolar...they gave me Remeron...and I took it but it gave me incredible epic dreams/nightmares...went back they gave me sleeping pill (can't for the life of me remember which one...a z drug-told me it wasn't a benzo... FInally found BenzoBuddies and figured out what was going on-they are good for that. I was so uncomfortable in my skin I just wanted to kill myself. Got an offer for some free acupunture treatments, and I was able to sleep for awhile...the racing metabolism (sorry-wish there was spell check here) went mostly away...it was nice being touched...nobody touches me. People in town think I'm f***ing nuts, they make big circles around me. I've always been too sensitive, I've always seen the big picture...I protested the Diablo Canyon nuclear plant in the day for example...I want to save the world but can't seem to save myself. Gonna try and post this while I have a signal. thanks for being here- PS some of this doesn't make sense...will edit it later;)
  2. Hello, I'm new to this site but have known about it for awhile. Two years ago I went through a detox to get off alprazolam (benzo) and alcohol. I was a mess for several years before that. I know now I was experiencing inter-dose withdrawal for years. Alcohol is cross-tolerant and I was using it increasingly over the years I was on alprazolam. I had been on sertraline for several years prior to starting the benzo and continued it through the detox. After that experience, I started reducing the sertraline and had horrific symptoms every time I would make a cut. Towards the end, I got back on a benzo (clonazepam) but managed to get off the sertraline. Shortly after, I tapered the second benzo and have been psych med free for about 10 months now. The entire experience was devastating. I lost all social connections, a relationship, a job, my mental and physical health, my privacy, my dignity, my spirituality, my possessions -- all of it. When I got off everything, I started exercising every day. I ate as healthy as I knew how (have learned much more since). I quit all psychoactive substances including coffee. I stopped seeing my psychiatrist and an unwise therapist I was seeing. My health has been improving and I stopped blood pressure and cholesterol medication. I've lost over 100 pounds so far and I'm just starting to rebuild my professional and social life. They are both non-existent at the moment but because of my progress, I am beginning to address them. My life was hell for close to a decade and questionable for almost another -- all because of psych meds. I'm here to connect with others who've been through or are going through a similar experience who may want to discuss what happened or is happening. I'm interested in making friends and I want to share my experience and learn from others. I think about what I've been through every day and right now, I don't want to forget. I use the pain I feel to help me move forward. I hope to leave it behind at some point. I know there are many who have been or are going through similar and may want to connect. Thank you for this space and the ability to share and connect.
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