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Showing results for tags 'death'.
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extremethinking posted a topic in Introductions and updatesHi, (this might be long, triggering, depressing or anxiety provoking, self loathing and more just wanted to give a heads up) I have not been in a good mental place since a young age but has got worse over time. I finished school and started to decline, still trying but eventually I guess I either succumbed or gave up, or maybe it was inevitable, but I pretty much became housebound ever since. It is not agoraphobia in the sense. I can and do leave the house, but it is rare and maybe 10mins a day. Main reason is Social anxiety, depression and just awful self esteem. I don't want to self loathe, I know people have it much worse and still fight day to day. I respect that honestly. So on to medication, I have been on 5 SSRI's, 2 TCA's, 2 SNRI, 2 MAOI. These are the only prescribed drugs I've been on. Without going into each specific one most of them have done little. Some did help. but I was young, came off them and didn't realise till months later they were helping. I have made a mess of my medication history for not sticking to all of them long enough or at high enough doses or taking them for granted when a few may have helped. I had the most success with MAOI, Nardil. I was on it for 6 months, it was not a cure but it has been the best thing I have tried. Motivated, less depressed, slightly less anxiety. Unfortunately it felt like it was becoming less effective (or so I thought) and the GP did blood tests and it raised my live enzymes to dangerous levels, so he said either reduce dose or come off. I did, quite quickly and although my original symptoms returned, I did not have withdrawal symptoms or discontinuation syndrome. I am grateful for that. Decided to try another MAOI Moclobemide. Psych said it is weaker than Nardil and does not reach as broad or deeply on neurotransmitters as Nardil does, so might not be potent enough I but gave it a shot. it is known to be one of the least toxic AD's, decent side effect profile etc despite it being a MAOI. There really is not a lot of bad information to find on it online. Most information you get is that is was like a sugar pill or incredibly weak I begin taking the Moclobemide. Start on the smallest dose. first few days are fine, no sides. A week in I began feeling pretty numb. I'm also not surrounded by people or responsibilities like working, but I'm feeling pretty bad. I just accept its initial feeling and try to power through. It doesn't change and I begin to feel worse, more numb, just bad. Again I told myself I need to give it more time, but it comes to a point that you cannot. Too much. So after thinking a lot, I decide I need off. I stopped the medication cold turkey. I thought its low dose, only been 14 days and its a med that is deemed 'mild' . So that was my reasoning. towards the end and the 7 days its been since stopping (feels like a month) well I don't know, I want to say hell but that could mean anything to anyone its so relative. Lets just say I feel like I'm in a constant bad trip but without the hallucinations. All I can think about is death. Not wanting to die, but how everything is an illusion. Any sense of meaning, joy, love, pain means nothing. Its not even real. Once I die, its all over. All I can think about is this 24/7. I'm crying most hours of the day. I feel like I've opened Pandora's box or been unplugged from the Matrix and the reality is living hell. I want to go back but I cant. I have spoken to the GP . All they said is we can book you in to see your Psych and start therapy in 2 months. That is a long time. I understand resources are finite and I am not priority, but still... I have a small bit of hope that this is not permanent, its just meds, it will go away. I'm not even sure it is, I feel it has unlocked some deep existential depression and I cant put it back. I do not feel suicidal, although if it does get worse and I keep thinking/feeling like this I don't see how it wont end in death. And if it doesn't, everything eventually ends in death anyway so it would just be a delay or temp fix if things got better...this is my way of thinking now. I think about my family and their death, how they will have never existed, how memory ceases to exist, growing old and decaying. All the time. Every hour, when I distract myself it still at the forefront. it is like a demon is my mind and it has decided it wants to stay. I thought my depression was bad before and not leaving the house & having no life was bad. But this seems to be on a whole differently level, like something humans are not meant to even think about or experience. All of this from Moclobemide, low dose, 2 weeks. It just goes to show how everybody reacts differently and how complex the interaction of biology is with chemicals. I went cold turkey on the highest dose Paxil and felt nothing ( and I know many have suffered with Paxil withdrawals, very badly). It is a weird feeling that you are slowly seeping into insanity but being aware of it at the same time but being not able to stop it. I hope to give an update on this in time. I wish everyone well and thank you for taking the time to read this.
Hello, I came across this site and im hoping I can just vent to you guys and get to know some people who may be going through something similar to what I am going through. So, a little about my situation: I'm 23 years old, I was in an abusive relationship for two years, in this relationship I was physically abused, sexually abused but most importantly, I was psychologically and emotionally abused. I FINALLy grew the courage to leave. I was in therapy after that to deal with the aftershock of everything that happened to me. One day I went to my family doctor and told him about what happened to me and that I had panic attacks and anxiety. He prescribed Lexapro. After five or six weeks of being on the drug I noticed I was starting to look like a cow. (and after FINALLY having reached my goal weight before going on lexapro, this was heart breaking) I went to my doctor and told him I wanted to go off of the drug... He told me to take half of a pill (5mg.) per day for five days and to go off of it entirely after. Well, five days of 5mg. and then two days of nothing and on the night of the seccond lexapro free day I tried to commit suicide by cutting myself and overdosing on a bunch of different drugs. I HAVE NEVER BEEN SUICIDAL! Never, never, ever! I have always been able to handle things. I dont want to die! I have never wanted to die! I was in the hospital for 4 days and I didnt feel better untill they put me back on lexapro. I am not suicidal! It had never even crossed my mind! So what in the world happened to me!?!?!? They quickly diagnosed me with depression... and so ive been back on lexapro for another 7 weeks... and getting fatter by the day! im trying to keep an eye on what I eat, and im trying to excersize! im trying everything but I keep getting bigger.... its making me so depressed... Im going to talk to my doctor tomorrow and ask him to take me off of it and put me on something else... I know I should be happy that im better menatlly and to just endure the weight gain but its just so heart breaking to me because I have been struggling with my weight since I was about 12 years old! If I had never gone on lexapro, I would probably be in a better place than where I am today. I should have just done things how I am used to doing them and that is medication-free and just by being tough... Lexapro made me such a coward.... I tried to end my life! so pathetic!!! I FINALLY was able to wear a bikini and feel amazing in it... well, that feeling didnt even last a week... because I went on lexapro the same week I reached my goal weight. I hate lexapro, I want to go off of it ASAP. At least now I have a good doctor who is actually a psychiatrist and not a family doc.) Ive learned to ALWAYS see a PSYCHIATRIST if you are taking ANY psychotic drugs. I hope and pray I can loose the weight.... its a huge deal for me... Ive gained almost 30 lbs in 3 months. xoxo Kayem