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  1. I’ve been on Wellbutrin for 20 years. Since November 2018, I've started tapering from my initial dosage (300-mg per day). I'm down to 200-mg per day. If I could sum up what Wellbutrin has done for me, I would say this. The monsters that Wellbutrin imprisoned for 20-years are slowly escaping now that the prison itself is slowly breaking down. And I’m once again left with dealing with issues, old relics which caused my depression in the first place. I suffered much abuse as a child and as a result, I had a lot of anger. As a teen, my controlling parents abandoned me and then in my twenties, when I was too lost, angry and hopeless, and I didn't have life skills developed enough to function in this world, they threw me to the wolves because I wouldn't cooperate with them because I was tired of their s**t. After a shrink experimented on me, I was finally placed on a benzodiazepine. After suffering from weird side effects, fearing permanent damage to my body, without my doctor’s knowledge, I slowly tapered off the stuff. My doctor was useless and had the deer in the headlights look when I showed him the damning research I did on benzodiazepines. After months of perpetual fatigue, I finally went back to my witch doctor and I allowed him to place me on Wellbutrin. I was that desperate. Along with curing the chronic fatigue, Wellbutrin took away all my anger and anxiety, so I could function and work at getting myself out of the terrible situation I found myself in. Fast forward twenty years. My current situation, suffering from withdrawal, has caused me to experience flashbacks in the form of vivid dreams. I believe these flashbacks and the extreme anger I feel are symptoms telling me that I need to work on myself. I married in my 50’s to a man who had two daughters ages 11 and 14. His ex-wife, if I had to guess, suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder and is a Narcissistic Queen Mother. My husband’s ex is intrusive, loud, inpatient, and flamboyant. She is easily frustrated, often bursting into rages than can terrify her children. She can be disingenuous and lies in order to get what she wants. The Queen relates to others with superficiality and an air of detachment. My husband’s ex perceived others, including her girls, as a threat to her own survival unless we all relinquish their needs for hers. Queen mothers compete with their children for a time, attention, love, and money. Superficial interest and a lack of attunement to the child's emotional needs are typical of Queen mothers. I don’t think I need to continue with the description because I think you get the point. Her daughters - I get along very well with the youngest girl. However, the older one is going to be just like or worse than her mother when she matures. If I had to guess, the oldest child is an introverted covert narcissist and she is a very cold-hearted individual who gives me the creeps. I have known the girls for two years. From day one, the oldest girl has been distant, secretive and entitled. Being the people pleaser that I am, I tried to bend over backward to please someone who can never be pleased. Here's the situation that triggered my flashbacks. Case in point, two nights ago, the temperature fell below freezing. The oldest girl was going to a party and had nothing on but a slip dress and stiletto heels. Her father and I attempted to force her to wear a coat or jacket, but she outright refused. If I had to guess, she did not want anything covering up her beautiful body – or so she thought . I finally gave her my fancy sweater to wear. After coming home, the next day, she proceeds to prance around the house with not much on and obsessively complained that she is cold and demands that the house be warmer, and she wants a heater for her bedroom. Me, like the people pleaser that I am, I gave her my heater. That night both I and my husband were very cold. He didn’t appreciate me giving up our heater and he pointed out the fact that she was willing to go almost butt naked to a party on an extremely cold night but then she came home and b*tch** about the house being cold and she wanted it warmer. That’s the reason he didn’t cater to her demands to increase the temperature. At the dinner table the next day. I joked with the girls that I would clean their rooms for $20 per week. These two girls are so entitled and lazy that their grandmother tries to bribe them to motivate the girls to ‘consider’ keeping their rooms clean and organized. They both said no. I then jokingly told them that they should ask their grandmother for $30 a week. They could keep $10 and I’ll clean their rooms for $20. After long silent consideration, the youngest daughter said she would split the money 50/50 with me. However, the oldest said that she would have me clean her room in addition to me washing her bed sheets and making up her bed. She said I should be thankful if she gives me $5 out of the $30 for my efforts. This is a fine example showing the characters of the two girls. The youngest one endears me to her – the oldest repels me. That night, after getting to sleep, I had a series of dreams. The theme running through the dreams was – my inability to take care of myself. Here’s the dream series: I’m at my childhood home. Its morning, I went into the kitchen to make myself some breakfast. I wanted to change my habit of not taking care of myself. My mother, in lightning speed, like a wolf spider exiting its den, opened her bedroom door and rushed into the kitchen to attack me for making noise. I had to abandon making breakfast and go to school. During elementary, junior high and high school, I suffered long periods of time starving. My mother was a hateful woman who used every opportunity she could to destroy me. The dream changed and there was another scene. I was a twenty-something woman. After spending a few hours with a man, my intuition told me this man was a heartless uncaring person. I told my father my thoughts in hopes of figuring out everything I had experienced while on the date. My conclusion was I wanted nothing to do with him. But my father talked me out of trusting my intuition and told me to give him a chance. As a result, I spent years being abused by this man because I tried to make it work with him. He turned out to be a psychopath and hurt me so bad, in one regard, I will never recover from. The dream changed again, and I was a teenager. My self-absorbed, sister and hateful mother were very controlling. I had little money, working as a part-time nanny. I decided I wanted to learn to cook. I always wanted to learn how to make cheesecake, so I purchase the ingredients. No sooner than I had placed them on the kitchen table then my mother and sister came running, like two hyenas into the kitchen to see what they could rip off me. They proceeded to chase me away from my ingredients and push me out of the house. They made the cheesecake and ate it themselves. I didn’t even get a crumb. I woke up angry. I told my husband about the dream and then related it to his oldest daughter. Now, I believe he thinks I have mental issues. No…not his daughter, the one who has somatic narcissist traits and treats everyone, including him very, very poorly. I wasn’t going to wait a week or so to get my sweater or my heater back. The oldest girl never gives anything back unless I beg and beg and beg her. Cold as ice, acting put out, she grudgingly gave me my heater and sweater back. I believe my current situation reminds me of my past. I believe my anger is telling me I’m dealing with the oldest girl incorrectly. I believe I need to stop people pleasing and have nothing to do with the oldest girl. I’m in a difficult situation because the father already told me he loves his children more than me. I believe that an informal given that a parent loves their children the most in this world. But he didn’t have to say it. So, I have not interfered with how the girls treat their father. I didn’t remind them to call him nor did I suggest they get him a gift. Case in point, they did not remember to call him for his birthday, nor did they get him a birthday or Christmas present. The oldest and to a certain extent the youngest treat their father like their mother does – he’s just an ATM money machine. God help him. I believe I need a support group while I’m healing so that I don’t talk to my husband about my recovery and to get some support so I don’t fall into any trap his oldest child might set for me. Does anyone have any suggestions? Has anyone gone through what I have gone through or are going through now? Thanks!
  2. I am at such a low point because of my moms obsession with me taking medication. Any time I get remotely upset about anything she immediately asks if I'm "taking my meds". Her harassment is what's pushing me in to depression and no amount of words make her understand what a piece of garbage she makes me feel when she consistently invalidates me. I can never be anything but happy or I'm crazy to her.
  3. 7 Years ago I had a nervous breakdown. I was off work a year unable to function They prescribed me Effexor after 4 months. 7 months later I flew abroad unexpectedly to see family. I came home 4 weeks later and left my husband of 16 years. I felt I didn't love him anymore. I moved out. My family were devastated. My husband tried to tell me and the Doctor it was the Effexor as his wife would not do this. They said it was me and nothing to do with the tablet. After a year fighting he gave up on me. I can't blame him. I was on 225mg. I slowly reduced but each reduction led to severe withdrawal symptoms. I had no insight and believed I'd made my decisions. 7 years later today is my first day Effexor free and I feel like have woken From a nightmare. My husband has gone and my children have adapted. But i feel like it's day 1. I found a blog listing hundreds of stories by people who have Lost their partner/wife/husband due to personality changes after taking SSRIs Yet our do called doctors ignore the pleas of loved ones. I have tried up get off this drug for years. Today I feel scared but pleased but I also feel lost and ashamed. I survived a depression by taking Effexor and crucified my family. I'd rather have died in the beginning than wake up today from this nightmare. For the families who are losing a loved one to this drug. Don't give up. Take the drug and help taper it off if you can.
  4. So I have friends in my close circle who have been on AD's for 1 year to 18 months, weaned off them 'just fine' and haven't looked back since..my husband believes in meds last, but never thinks i give anything a good try and 'stick to something', my parents just want me to be happy they don't know many details. My cousin has been on prozac for 6 years on and off but says 'if a pill makes me feel good that's all i care about-although i can't cry anymore'. So these are the people I'm surrounded by. I have one friend in TX who is a holistic counselor but she's far away. Right now, I'm feeling 'good' on Citalopram-been on AD's a total of 6 months, (with effexor in between but now weaning) started and stopped and everytime I started, I've had awful reactions (suicideal ideation, agoraphobia, and heightened anxiety) but after some time they faded and right now i'm feeling positive, somewhat like myself (despite my HORRIFIC nightmares) and I just feel in my gut that I want to just get off of these meds. thos around me see these symptoms as ME and NOT the meds..the primary reason I attempted these medications was because my obsessive health worrying was taking over my thoughts to the point i was getting depressed..thoughts like 'what's the point of eating healthy or working out..look at so-and-so and they got sick' - I went nuts. In this time, I've discovered meditation, self help books, and more tools in general. I'm so confused-part of my problem is my self esteem (trauma from growing up) and i can't make my own decision. I just feel like you guys would understand where i'm coming from. thanks for listening!
  5. After my too-fast taper 8 months ago, I spent about 4 months in bed. Since then, I experience waves of not being able to do much and having to spend a lot of time in bed. A couple weeks ago a very stressful event happened that really set me back. I've been in bed almost all day every day since then. I've gained about 20 lbs in the 8 months I've been in withdrawal. I'm about 40 lbs overweight, now. Compared to the severity of the other symptoms I experience though, weight loss is not at the top of my list of priorities right now. I recently saw my mother several times and every time she told me I needed to lose weight. As though I don't already know that. I'm not comfortable or proud of the weight I've gained. It hurt my feelings that during the most difficult time of my life she would focus on criticizing me. It is a pattern of hers to be overly critical and negative, but I need her support and kindness right now more than ever. I explained that I knew I had gained weight and that I've not been able to do as much as I normally do. She just wouldn't stop criticizing my weight, and I got very angry. I told her to stop. I've given her resources to help her understand what I'm going through, but she just doesn't get it. I have talked to her a lot about withdrawal and how difficult this process has been. I think she's tired of me talking about it. I live alone and don't have much social support. I've had to rely on my parents a lot during the past year. It's been unhealthy and demoralizing, but I've had to in order to survive. Has anyone else faced this kind of lack of empathy and understanding? How have you dealt with it and was how you dealt effective? I would love your feedback.
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