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  1. Hi SA, I've lurked this site for a while for information but have decided to make myself part of the community. I have a long intensive history of psychiatric abuse, and I've finally been fighting taking my life back. I'm a 27 year old transsexual male, I reject my psychiatric diagnosis but rather identify as a traumatised neurodivergent psychiatric survivor, I will offer a brief which will inevitably be long history of my psychiatric journey and explain where I am at now. I will write it in bullet points for easier reading. - My initial diagnosis was when I was 9 Dyspraxia (a neurological motor-co-ordination problem) and Sensory Processing Disorder which led to peer alienation, problems with school, behavioural problems, and emotional and mental distress. - When I was 13, I had a scarf osteotomy (operation to remove bunions) and was prescribed 120mg of Codeine, which took my emotional pain away along with my physical pain away, I was taken off CT, and I was isolated, depressed and didn't sleep for a long time, I went through withdrawals and I didn't know what was happening to me. After this I started smoking weed. - When I was 14 I ended up under the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services, I had to do all this extra special educational needs stuff, I heard the message everywhere that there was something wrong with me, psychometric testing shoes I have processing speed in the bottom 1% percentile and working memory in the bottom 3 and I self-harmed and starved myself and binge drank - I was traumatised sexually. Dx Depression/Anorexia - When I was 15 I started using harder street drugs, I was traumatised violently and sexually. I got put on 40mg Prozac - 2 months later I revealed to my psychiatrist I was hearing voices and I got put on 5mg of Risperadone - I experienced Hyperprolactinemia, galactorrhea, amenorrhea and gynecomastia (rapid breast enlargement, lactation) my unusual experiences became worse, I was in severe distress, I was switched to 200mg of Seroqual, and in May 2009 tried to take my own life via laceration and overdose, I was put into adolescent psychiatric care and traumatised. My voice hearing was deemed 'non-psychotic pseudo-hallucinations' and I was taken off Seroqual over a few months. I was also given Zopiclone and Ativan. Dx: Severe Depression, Anorexia - At 16 I was drawn to self-medication/substance abuse/drug addiction - Some party drugs - Some hallucinogenics. Expereince trauma events - At 17-18 I came off Prozac and self-medicated with skunk - I pushed my mental health aside to help out an abusive friend with hers. I am diagnosed with demoid Ovary cysts and have them removed - At 18 as I transitioned into Adult Mental Health Services, I was pushed around different clinics, no follow ups, often psychiatrists ot following up I remember having a hard time after a Psych put me on trial of Setraline and after month, cancelling and disappearing leaving to me go through withdrawals. - At 19 - I self-medicated with Ketamine, Skunk, Valium and Alcohol - struggling with my mental health and numbing myself - DX Anxiety, Depression, Borderline Personality At 20 - (2013) I moved to Canada for university, experience new traumatic events. I was diagnosed with ADHD and put on 20mg Adderall, 2mg Ativan, 1mg Clonazepam and 7.5mg Zopiclone (taken for 2 and half months) - I didn't take as prescribed, and experienced psychosis around psychiatry spying on me and insects under my skin and crawling in my bed - terrifying and erratic unusual behaviours but for the first time started to actually thrived in school. Cold Turkey Meds, Crash and try to Overdose and Zopiclone and whiskey at Xmas and then CT 2014 - Told my psychiatrist to **** off and that I didn't want to take meds. She writes I was lying about Adderall withdrawal because there is no such thing, and that I'm an attention seeker whose at chronic risk of acting out. 2 months I go back asking for psych help because I'm struggling get put on Paxil, 20mg Ritalin and 1mg Clonazepam, I stop Paxil soon after taking - after 3 months cold turkey off meds, get put on 50mg Trazadone and then 7.5mg Zopiclone - 5 a week - experience lots of trauma events. I am diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, Attend 12 step program, but can't stop drinking . Age 21 - Get refused Stimulant meds due to history of drug abuse, self-med with amphetamine/meth tablets, alcohol and coke - Physical Health rapidly declines, I start puking up blood multiple times a day, I get clean for a month but relapse and am worse than ever. I come out as Transgender and begun social transition - Doctor tells me I have 18 months to live at best. I clean up but my mental health declines and I wind up on psych-wards here and there. Everyone is worried about me and urges I 'get help' - I get put on Citalopram 40mg, Ablify 2.5mg, 200mg Trazadone - My psychiatrist just throws prescriptions at me increasing doses and changes them every 3 months, The meds just make me feel physically and mentally unwell. I stop, Ablify and Citalopram, CT and Psych gives me 100mg of Seroqual, Psych Adds 50mg Strattera Age 22 - I am off and on with sobriety still puking blood, start taking Testosterone pills - I stop Trazadone and Seroqual CT and get put on 40mg Ritalin, 50mg Remeron, 1mg of Clonazepam and 35mg of Loxapine - I move into a mad-friendly ***** punk house that is home. 2016 - I develop an abssess in my tonsil and get put on Oxycodone for a few weeks after it is removed, I stop taking Loxapine due to lactation, in and out of psych wards - usually 48 hours. I stop drinking and attend 12 step meetings. in April I am struggling so much with mental / physical health - I attempt suicide using all the leftover pills - end up in ICU. I get taken off Remeron cold and back on my way, I switch from Testosterone pills to SubQ shots low dose - Accumulation of psych med withdrawals, Post-traumatic Stress, constant transphobia, violence and invalidation of identity, along with the pressure of university - leads to serious mental distress - Ritalin gets Switched to 30mg Adderall, 300mg of Pregabalin Seroqual 50 mg is added, and 200mg Lamatical is added - I move out of my home into an anarchist sober collective. my mental health is worse than ever at this point. I attempt suicide again using all the left of meds - I end up in the ICU again. I am severely mistreated in the psych-ward. I organise a protest/performance and protest the hospital Age 23 .I cold turkey of Lamatical and Seroqual. I relapse and start injecting ketamine. I get put on 5mg Zopiclone for a month, I become preoccupied with an instrusive image of death via fentynal injection, I try to actualise this, but don't die. I get rejected by my friends/support/community and just cannot cope with the increasing and relentless serious and enduring mental health problems that have swallowed me up anymore, I start living alone, very isolated, but still at art school, where all this time I have thrived by documenting and turning my psychitaric trauma into elaborate conceptual, installation pieces and performance pieces, drawings and paintings, For those past few years when I am not at the clinic, psych-ward hospital, church basement or bed-ridden with debilitating symptoms - I have been in the studio challenging it into my art which I call Manic Expressionism / Emotional Exhibitionism. I get put into intensive 3x a week OP - DBT treatment - I develop tendonitis and chronic pain - I get put on 20mg Oxycodone, Cyclobenzoprine, my Pregabalin doubled to 600mg for 3 months, I graduate my final exhibition is an installation closet covered in my psych-notes, painted with demons and photocopies of all my sketchbooks that have documented the hell I've been through, I also make a 60 Minute film of me nodding out on Oxycodone, and sardonically thank my class for critiquing and grading my suffering for 4 years - I graduate with a 3.75 GPA. I cold turkey off the pain meds, I suffer but I feel a sense of life again and start dating and falling in love, I rebuild my friend circles. I CT off Adderall move across the country into a derelict punk house with mice and black mould, my health is worse than ever, I can't get out of bed , I get put on Suboxone and have a seizure, the pharmacy by mistake gives me hundreds of extra Clonazepam - I start taking 5-6mg a day - I start to bottom out - I experience police trauma.I go back on 30mg Adderall, My Visa ends and I go back to the U.K in horrific physical, emotional, mental and shape. Age 24 - get on 200mg Tramadol and hit a dramatic bottom at my parents house - I decide I want off pills and ask for help from the Drug and Alcohol services, I get put on 40mg of Valium tapering 2mg every two weeks, and switch from Adderall to 70mg Lisdexamfetamine, I am bed ridden - my physical pain is at it's worst point, I am in serious mental distress, having unusual experiences and problematic behaviour - but I think you can imagine and get the point by now. I get a diagnosis of Complex Reigional Pain Syndrome and self-med with large amounts of Ketamine. At this point I am awaiting to get into detox/rehab it takes 9 months to get a bed. I briefly go back to Canada and start an intense romantic relationship. My bottoming out, becomes a live performance piece, with 10,000 empty pills in a bathtub in a gallery, and installation showcasing a mix of all my mad art. I enter Detox on the verge of death on - 70mg Lisdexamfetamine, 600mg Pregabalin, 200mg Tramadol, 4mg Valium. I am taken off Tramadol in 4 days, then in the next 3 weeks I am taken off the 4mg Valium and then 600mg Pregabalin - I was reduced to 50mg Lisdexamfetamine the first week of detox. I had seizures, I don't get as much as 15 minutes sleep for 6 weeks, and don't sleep a night for 3 months, I have journals of all the horrific things I went through - After 2 months I am taken off Lisdexamfetamine cold turkey and thing get from bad to worse. I complete my 12 weeks and am moved to secondary rehab. Age 25 - I am put on 30mg Duloxatine due to my mental health not improving after being in treatment for 4 months, I work my recovery really hard, I believe in being clean and 12 step program, I look at my self, my behaviours, I become passionate about my recovery because I just don't want to be in pain anymore. I get out of treatment I go back on 70mg Lisdexamfetamine and move back to Canada to be with my love, I make the 12 step program the centre of my world, I am happy for the first time in my life, I develop regular seizures, I cold turkey off Duloxatine and lisdexamfetamine - I experience 6 weeks of acute physical withdrawals then protracted withdrawals - my relationship gets strained - My 6 months in Canada ends I am heartbroken in England, I go back on lisdexamfetamine but stay clean, my protracted withdrawals reach an unbearable point but I just think I am suicidally depressed, and I reinstate Duloxatine and have scarily immediate relief - Age 26 - I get into my dream Grad School program - MSc in Art and Mental Health after starting my application with psych ward anecdotes 2 months after being introduced to the Power Threat Meaning Framework, Anti-Psychiatry and Critical Disability, schools of thought my life changes, I learn about the slow taper and begin 10% every 2 weeks. The symptoms are severe due to my nervous system ruptured by neurodivergence, trauma, addiction and psychitary - I have documented all of it via painting most days. I experience abusive unstable housing and have now moved every 3 months for 2 years - global pandemic, heartbreak, I thrive in my course school I am believed, my experiential knowledge is valued. I push through my withdrawals because I want to survive psychitary and emerge the other side, I want to live, even though my withdrawals are debilitating, I have hopes and dreams, I am fatigued much of the time, my exucutive functioning is shot, but I can excel in my writing and reading critical psych material, Age 27 - I just got kicked out yet another place because of my motor-disability, and was denied housing everywhere in the seaside town I tried to escape due to discimnation for me being transsexual (my IDs doesn't match) I moved back to family home and repaired the very damaged relationship - I am now housesitting for them while they are away. I'm down to 3.2mg of Duloxatine (20 beads) , I graduated my MSc with distinction which blows my mind, because some days I can't remember how to pour a glass of water and just pace in a confused delirum, unable to do tasks. My sleep has recovered from the benzo damage, I am 2 years sober and still in 12 steps - Things are tough but could be worse. I am studying a Hypnotherapy course right now. I am working on a book that will include academic mad studies papers, personal essays and all my artwork from my AD taper from I have been removing 2 beads at a time - I have windows where I start to feel alive I am day 10 into my last cut and my mood is bright, physically not too great but not sure what is my base. and plan on slow tapering the 70mg of Lisdexamfetamine once I have done the Duloxatine - There's so much more to story that's long but vague version - a lot more extraordinary both positive and negative has happened, I tried to include what I thought was important to my story, I didn't really list symptoms but it varies, and honestly I don't know what is me, what is having a body, what is the meds, what is the trauma, what is the chronic pain, what is the neurodivergence and processing/memory struggles I had before I was severely traumatised, became an drug addict, and had all this iatrogenesis, I'm trying not to mourn who I could've have been, embrace the uncertainty, ride the waves. My aim is too take back my life that was stolen, and change the outcome of my future, I believe in neuro-plasticity, I'm not trying to recover any aspect of who I was before medication, but I have through my creative practice learnt to make the most out of the hand I've been dealt, and channel that anger at my oppression and being abused by psychiatry into creative means, and helping and supporting others who have also been damaged - Look forward to talking to some of you, I haven't been on a forum since I was 16. I am not always positive about it, I am so tired of tapering, and detoxing and being ill, and it's so daunting that I have such a long way to go, but I can do today, and that's all I ever need to do. If anyone is interested would love to share some of my artwork! Dirtvoid
  2. Hi all - It seems pretty clear that I've tapered too quickly off from Viibryd, but what now? My situation is a bit complicated because I'm on a few medications to help me sleep. My symptoms right now are severe fatigue, cognitive issues (brain fog, spaciness, lack of focus) and akathasia at night. Pretty worrisome stuff as I'm a Director at tech company and I need to be on point = / (yes, stress isn't helping my cause). I think I should reinstate, but I'm not sure if I should at 5 mg, 10 mg or higher. Please see below and thanks in advance for your help. SSRI and Adjunct History: -At age 33 started Lexapro 10 mg and from summer 2012 to summer 2014 worked great for GAD, OCD -Lexapro 10 mg seemed to "poop out," but with new symptoms of difficulty concentrating/brain fog so upped to 15 mg and then 20 mg over remainder of 2014. Anxiety was still managed but my P Doc and PCP believed it was depression symptoms (hence increase) -Added Abilify early 2015 - did not help with cognitive issues and gave me akathasia so discontinued -Cross-tapered to Viibryd 20 mg during summer 2015 - still no anxiety, but still dealing with brain fog. Side effects were worse than Lexapro with upper and lower GI issues -Over past year went up to 30 mg Viibryd - no anxiety, but still brain fog -Spring 2016 - Sleep got progressively worse which made it difficult to determine whether cognitive issues were more from lack of sleep or lack of appropriate SSRI dose -Spring 2016 tried Rexulti - no help so tapered off -Current - 0 mg Viibryd (tapered recently, though too fast) Taper: From 30 mg to 20 mg from 6/20/16 to 6/30/16 (two weeks on 20 mg) From 20 mg to 10 mg from 7/1/16 to 7/14/16 (two weeks on 10 mg) From 10 mg to 0 mg (3 days), then up to 5 mg (3 days) then 2.5 mg (2 days) and now 0 mg since 7/23/16 Additional medication history: -From ~2014 to early 2016, took 5 mg valium suppository as needed for chronic pelvic pain - able to stop due to successful physical therapy -From June 2015 to now, taking 75 mg (yes 75, not 750) gabapentin to help sleep/akathasia -From May 2016 to recently, taking 0.5 mg lorazepam for sleep (recently tapered this to 0.25 mg) -Took propranolol 20 mg for about a week in mid-July 2016 due to severe akathasia (assumed due to Viibryd withdrawal). Tapered down to 0 mg over following week -From summer 2015 to now, take 10 mg Vyvanse as needed for focus (more days than not) Current supplements: -5 mg melatonin nightly -200 mg L-Theanine x2 day -150 mg Magnesium Glycinate x2 day -5000 iu D3 1x day -1000 mg Omega 3 fish oil x1 day
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