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Hello everybody, I am so glad that I found this site, you provided me with invaluable help! First and foremost, being not alone is so important for all of us here, as we all are sensitive people facing institutions that are not willing or capable to hear our stories and experiences I took Citalopram 20mg for 9 years, tried to stop it several times and always suffered from panic attacks and depression pretty soon after reducing the dose from, say, 20mg to 10mg as my psychiatrist advised me. So I took 20mg again. The doctors kept telling me that I suffer from endogenous depression and have to take this medication for the rest of my life. After some years I totally lost any sexual interest and as I could not get rid of Citalopram (as I thought) the psychiatrist prescribed me Milnaneurax (Milnacipran) because she thought that it would reduce these problems. I stopped with Citalopram 20mg and took Milnaneurax 50mg from one day to another. For some reason, I did not suffer from withdrawal, but my sexuality was not cured either. I found this site and started tapering half a year after I switched to Milnaneurax. This time, I had withdrawal symptoms as soon as the reduction was higher than 10%. I started the reduction with the help of my local pharmacy that made pills with the right dosage. After one year of tapering I am down to 12mg Milnaneurax. I started to reduce the dosage on my own a couple of days ago by making a liquid, because I figured out at some point I would have to anyway, because the pharmacist can only make a dose down to 0,5mg. Because of the short half-life of Milnaneurax (8hours, I read) I started to split my daily dose into two, so instead of 12mg in the morning I take 6 in the evening and 6 in the morning. So far, it seems to be going good, but I started wondering, whether it was risky. I didnt find any information about this technique on this site, does somebody have an advice? Theoretically, it should reduce the ups and downs, I figure, does someone have any experience with it? Thanks a lot, Content
TurkeyCold posted a topic in Introductions and updatesHey there, I've been following topics on this website and it's German equivalent (adfd.org) for quite a while as a silent observer and the knowledge I gained here and there helped me tremendously. Otherwise, I would be caught deeply in the psychiatric mill these days for sure. I am 29 years old/male from Germany with a long history of depression/dysthymia/melancholia/call it whatsoever. 3 Therapies didn't get to the root and this caused me to give it a try with Duloxetin/Cymbalta in autumn 2015. The psychiatric support I had since then was lousy due to lacking knowledge and ended up in a first CT in April 2016 with 1 week of disease: brain zaps, flu, nausea, headache and so on. After then: Everything fine for a while until a mental breakdown came 4 months later and of course I reinstated the former full dose of Cymbalta. The 2 cold turkeys after were rather smooth, at the beginning always accompanied by these thoughts: "Yes, I've made it. No problem for me to get off at all." But the mental breakdown (depression, crying spells, inner emptyness) came months later. Of course I didn't reflect it that way in those years, otherwise I wouldn't have caused so much violence to my system ... November 2017 was a bit special because I started to experience maniac episodes with huge amounts of energy shooting through my body, and I finally started to sense that sth. was going fairly wrong here. I jumped off for the third time, travelled to India, had a breakdown in February 2018 but no possibility to get a new dose without travelling back to Germany, which I didn't because I am super stubborn sometimes. Instead I rushed through South India (not knowing what was happening) in a constant mode of flight and aggression, flying to Sri Lanka where I was bitten by a street dog (calming me down in a way which was good in these days). I returned to Germany in March 2018. Starting a super stressful job as a vegetarian cook in April I soon feel back into old patterns of depression and emptyness which made me trying out another SNRI (Milnacipran). This went terribly wrong because my CNS didn't tolerate the dose and a suicidal sword of thoughts caused me insomnia, terror and endless pain for weeks. I decided: No more substances. And then, after weeks, I discovered this website and adfd.org and understood what I had done all the time... About one year is over since my last dose of poison and I can assure you that I have suffered enormously. The first 4 months were a pure mental hell and I even failed to kill myself in a friends flat. The only physical effect I felt was a huge urge to eat carbohydrates and sugar, in high times I consumed 5 bars of chocolate which is about 500 gram. I was disgusted by myself day by day by day unable to change anything because the body chemistry was so unbalanced. Month 5 and 6 I experienced as maniac windows, exhausting myself, doing too much, working too much as a driver, thinking I was all through. I wasn't. In November 2018 mental clarity slowly came back, brain fog faded more and more but therefore physical problems started: Skin rash all over my back Whole body pain emanating from my brain Strong headache After waking up a feeling of being overrun by a truck Chronique Fatigue Restlessness Physical tension Phases of cognitive shutdown Of course, there are many more symptoms in this process of healing that come and go. What helped me: Acceptance Acceptance Acceptance Forgiveness Knowledge Knowledge Knowledge Self-love Loving others Hope These days I am living alone after living in a flat-share became too exhausting for me, most of my social contacts have broken up and I'm fine with that. It's better this way as long I am healing. The people which helped me most are ironically people who don't know me, here a list: Alan Watts (I've listened to almost any of his talks on Youtube. Just brilliant ...) Sadghuru (Same is valid for him) Eckhart Tolle from time to time (he can be a bit exhausting) Friedrich Nietzsche Franz Kafka ("You are the task, no pupil far and wide") Eric Fromm Jiddu Krishnamurti Terence McKenna (The self-empowering talks, less the drug and mushroom stuff) Jack Kornfield Mike Hellwig (German therapist who advocates the principle of Radical Allowance) Jens Böttcher (German musician singing about love and peace) Simone Weil Tony Robbins in a certain way Jordan Peterson as a negative and desperate role model I only know one person in my surroundings who has gone through comparable suffering. He is a good friend and I talk to him from time to time. Fortunately, I have caring and loving parents. I did not always think that way about them, but they are a real gift. These days I am waving between inner peace, physical pain, enormous aggression, deep depression with suicidal thoughts and universal love. It's paradox. Nonetheless my general condition has improved a lot. When I'm not bedridden, I go swimming or do Yoga. Jogging is too intense for me most of time. Long walks in nature are a must. My diet has become super healthy and nutritious. I would consider it as a mixed approach with knowledge from the fields of whole-food-nutrition, Ayurveda and clean eating. I eat mostly vegan, some eggs and a bit fish every week. No milk and meat, no processed food, no industrial sugar. Since Sunday I am completely unemployed, until then I worked here and there but my CNS has clearly shown me that he doesn't want to be exposed to any form of stress at the moment. And the biggest insight on this journey: I have caused it, I will make it through. No one to blame, not even myself. Yours, C.