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  1. I want to share my heart out,I want to share my life. I lived 31 yrs of life. the life of sadness,hurt,betrayal,getting used,unrequited love, Dream which gets shattered,Health which got lost,Financed which ruined,Engagement which break twice,Got fired from the job which I love.hope which I got lost in all these but just little remains… May be I am not a very strong guy, or below things are very little for other people but for me it really shattered me with the brain I have.I want to write here because of two reasons:- Please bear with my bad English. To get words of support. Others may learn something from this. Birth(Dec 1987):- Bully(15yrs) I was a silent kid,deeply introverted.afraid to go out and dominate the world.Never in my life I had more than 2 or 3 friends.Never associated with any groups anywhere.Because of my silent nature and understanding of the world differently relatives and neighbors thinks that I am not of sound mind and they normally called me “sirri” (a word which describe a person as stupid with no mind”).Even my family used to call me the same, this has impacted my childish mind deeply and my confidence sank to earth every time someone called me that.though I was good in studies but not very vocal and someone who bully others just because other one is not dominatable nature. I hate these types of person even up until now.and I also choose very very carefully to whom I can open. these things keep going on till I turn around 15 or in 10th standard. and that was really a sad time.but I forgot and moved on. My teenage love(8 yrs) Its starts in early stages when hormones change occurs. My first Love.real,pure,deep,full of emotions.absolutely overwhelming.till date I have not forget those days. she was in my class sat next to my desk. I fall in love or whatever you will say infatuation. she belongs to other community. I knew marriage is not possible. I never tried to approach or propose.I knew even if I propose she will not accept.I was not handsome or a topper or may be I was insecure.I loved her deeply . Did many things those times of school like pick some flowers on my way to school and put it in her desk,looking at her whole time during school,wrote a diary, wrote some poetry also for her.cried every other day at home that I will not have her in my life.I also did those stupid thing of writing the name of your beloved from blood in your diary.lol. one incident I remember one day our teacher asked us to perform some activities, every student performed something like dance or cracked a joke. when my turn came I sang a song ”yai zamin ruk jaaye aasma jhuk jaaye tera chahra jab nazar aaye” by looking in to her eyes directly without any fear , in front of whole class and also a teacher.there are many many memories of such type.I never had a problem because I never insist her for anything. everybody knows that I loved her so much whenever anyone asked me I accepts wholeheartedly yes. she knows it. the way she looked towards me I still remember. I remember the day of parting also . it was day of 10th class last day when I got the news that she will about to leave school permanently,I become extremely sad and I know anyhow I have to bear this pain of loosing someone so close and to look at her become a daily oxygen to me. I was in deep pain. that day I thought to tell her my feelings by my own. she used to go to home through same bus stand from which I go.every day. that day I waited at stand for about 3 hrs because she was enjoying with her friends, I was desperate that today I ll tell her my feelings as after this day I will never see her. I saw her coming. she saw me from a distance and she sensed also about things. I come directly in front of her and said that I wanted to say something to you which you already know all these years.she asked me to say it.I uttered those three words.she listened and asked me if anything more I wanted to say I replied No.she left in a bus. I stayed there dont know how much longer, felt like dead. then came back home.and cried hell.my sisters consoled me so much. I couldnt did anything. so I tried to save this as a sweet memory in my heart.later when I went in college then I got toknow that she took admission in Dental school, I got her number some how and from my college far away from home I called her at every festival of her and her birthday continiously 4 yrs . then she become dentist and I got the news that she is getting married.to one of my other class mate. I became habitual about this. acceptance was there.those were the days of orkut, I dont know how many of you young guys know about orkut. its like first social media site in India those days. later I saw her some times on facebook and now she is living happily with her husband and a daughter. I left her there and locked her there in my heart to never open it up.and got busy in another things. Science and engineering(3yrs) Once I passed 10th and she left me then I have so much anger and resentment that I put all these on studies.I was a below average student got just 60% in 10th and ours was a govt school, that time I cant write or speak a single sentence in English.but somehow as all good students left the school so I got the admission in science section in 2004, there were 34 students, I studied very hard and came first that year only 8 students passed. in the next year also I did so much hard work and came first in my Class Editori was not that I got very good marks but the resources and kind of teachers I have in my govt school I did my best and came first in 12th also with 70% marks. I was so much fearful of science but my mother who was always there for me encouraged me that I can do it so I did passed it.in those 2 years i knew nothing about anything except studies I used to have one FM radio in my room some songs I hear every day like “love guru on radio city 91.1” if any of you remember.then after 12th was another struggle for career.Didnt know what to choose for further studies.I wanted to go to army.gave NDA also didnt passed.a friend came and suggest me to do coaching for engineering.I liked the idea it was the year 2006. I joined a reputed coaching in Delhi.studied day and night to pass the entrance.sometimes I got so much confident that I will do it sometimes i got frustrated.it was too much of studies for an avg student.year gone hopes begin. gave all engineering entrance examintation of delhi state and national level. like aieee and iit’s results came , didnt get selected in any one of them , got so much disheartened. you can understand how bad I was I got rank 131000 in AIEEE and for IIT I failed, DCE got 8000 rank.so no admission in any of these college. I gave uptu exam also and there I got 32953 rank and i got a change for counselling.Unfortunately there I made a blunder and even I was getting so many college in NCR Delhi region I put some college in sitapur in UP as my second choice because i foolishly thought that that were a govt college.and here begins a 4 year trauma of living in almost hell. Hostel life living away from parents If you read this far you must have understood what kind of a guy I am, so living away from parents and from New Delhi to a town of UP and college hosted in jungle and mostly the kind of people I interacted there.it was really not good. I was very much dishearted but being from a middle class family with so much of a hope from parents that my son will one day earn well and take us away from this life of hardship.I continued the battle and didnt drop out even if I wanted badly.there was not a single day in these 4 yrs when I didnt talked to my mother back home at every evening, I dont know how many times I cried that Its very very difficult to live without you guys.(tears just come to my eyes by just remembering those bad days.)Thank god he gave me one friend and a room partner with whom I was able to pass that worst time. I marked 8 lines in my diary and after every semester I crossed those one mark to able to see how much of it left to go back home. that was the best day when I was coming back last time and my family was very happy that there son became an Engineer, one more thing we with my friend decided that we will not have any affair or relationship and will directly marry. so no girlfriend type of a thing there also.Few attractions were there but I killed them and not regretting about that. Fear of studies and homesickness,Masturbation and Pornography,Falling into depression(11 yrs) This hit me bad when I was in 2nd year of age of 22yrs. I got very afraid that I cant continue in this engineering thing as this is very tough and even If I pass the exams still I will not able to do the real engineering job as this required so much brain I keep telling this to my parents and my father keep encouraged me that initially things looks tough but slowly it will get better.so I decided that whatever happen I will definately achieve this degree.I had so much pressure of homesickness(its that much you can understand that after coming back home in 2011 I have not left my hometown Delhi ), Pornography was there in college its normal thing even now I know.and I was not into these things that much. but I got addicted to masturbation like once in a week and pornography also. and I certainly believe that this masturbation and porn habit though it was not that much as with other people. it give me one of the deadliest disease which i cant even explain to you, whoever young among you is reading this I am warning you and pleading you, please leave these two devils completely out of your life else it will ruin you.this thing weakens my brain in 3rd semester i have got started rigorous hairfall,weakness of body and mind, but that time i was not able to understand because I got my body strength back in 2 days. for my mind it was normal but in reality this habit of masturbation causing deep harm to my body. which i was not able to control despite all my efforts.so in 2008 when I came back to delhi i got hit by mental illness there were symptoms severe headache, confusion,lost focus, memory issue, unable to take decisions and many more. this goes heightened also because i stuck in one more thing which is killing me, what is the true path of life,why so many religions and God and I wanted to know the truth I studied various religious scriptures also and I got so much feared that I cant die without knowing the truth.and I cant follow my parents religion without knowing for sure that it is correct or not.unfortunately I had to to a psychiatrist and here begins a trauma which is still going on they gave me that magic pill. a medications which can sort my mind out. I ,a young lad, trusted the doctors that yeah they are right in whatever they prescribe and in last 2 years of my studies this doctor gave me 7 different kind of antidepressents which numbed me actually. when I came back from college then I went to govt hospital in Delhi to a psychiatrist and he there stops all the medication and said that all this was not necessary and I was misdiagnosed, there I started with a small medication of just 10mg trusted this doctor and no doubt it helped me so much but over the years when i was stable in about 2014 i wanted to stop but my parents does not want me to stop and even my doctor. and I knew that this medication slowly killing me frm inside those who never use antidepressents can never understand what I am saying, just think that this tablet create a numbing effect on you or take away all your real emotions it makes you a zombie. and give you heightened emotions sometimes when not required also it hurt me so badly I cant even explain you some incident :- in one of my early interview I was crying sitting on footpath with fear that how will i be able to live this hard life.how will people earn.when I enter the room interviewer gave me a glass of water and ask me to come back after a month and dont panic. I was in so mch pressure of getting a job after my degree and it was tough. I got selected in one IT recruitment company and on third day i got so much un restless and fearful without any reason that i left my desk went to manager cabin locked my self inside and lie down on floor and slept and after 2 hrs manager open the door from different key and from next day they didnt picked me up for a job. Crying in washrooms is extremely common whenever my boss scold me or anybody hurts me.up until now.i never told anybody in my office that i am suffering from some brain disease else they will fire me I know. many more incident like this in my life. Searching for job after passing from tier 3 college and work till now(since 2011) this is a common story of many many guys of my type. Funny thing was that I didnt knew how to search a job and what a job is all about and how to plan a career , I knew nothing, first six month after completing a degree I left everything and just rested because I got exhausted and most probably this was a blunder. I was started searching a job and joined one of my friend in his company as Recruiter. after six month i got introduced by one of my relative of govt job and I shifted my focus in govt job preparation because the relative made a pressure on me to have a govt job cos he selected me for his girl.this i wll tell in next section in detail.then I joined a part time job in a call center because i was in another trauma as my first engagement broke and I didnt knew what to do ahead as one year already passed. so I worked there 14 months in just 4k rs pm. then I left to work in noida and good company call center and got ok amount 17500 pm worked there also 14 months till 2015 and then I was totally unsured what to do now, so I was getting promoted to quality manager there but after a degree that is not what I wanted to do so i decided that I will do a job in software anyhow.and after that I will decide further.so I left that job also and join another company in 20k pm worked there 6 months gathered all money then left and join one training institute in Noida and get my self trained there for 6 months and then gave interviews in IT companies as a fresher i had a 6 years gap. i got rejected by 11 companies and 12 one selected me. there I worked 2+ years. they have exploited me to the core and I was so much naive that I didnt understand that.I was a java guy and they asked me to learn .net so it was a do or die for me they gave only 3000 pm for training for first 4 months. i had my savings i never mind I wanted to learn . but i think now I stuck in wrong company . they trained me in .net then gave me a project of devops . i introduced devops by learning all by myself from internet whatever I can.created automatic infrastructure the best way I can alone. then they asked me to learn android then angular then big data omg it was overwhelming.I made one app backend its still live on playstore. and maintain many other . despite having my depression and other problems taking tool on my mental health. from last year oct 2018 many incident happened back to back that i asked my manager and ceo to give me off for a month they denied then i told them about my depression and they asked me to leave saying i am not able to work.they indireclty fired me in feb 2019. since then Its been 8 months i am at home. Engagement and breakup This was really tough when I came back in 2011 from college I went to one of my relative who is asst engg. in Delhi govt for guidance and help and he chose me for his daughter . I was on cloud nine . very happy . new graduate , got engaged to a beautiful girl , she is a lawyer. we fall in love. or I am wrong actually I fall in love. girls dont fall in love may be its very easy for them to move on . we got engaged for one year and as I told you earlier her father wish me to live as he asked me , he keeps me lecture every time.i got frustrated. I got a bit religious and the girl said to her father that he cant live with a religious type boy, I told her that now we are engaged dont do this , you will live the way you want to. but she got adamant and her father also.and said I become conservative and girls wants a handsome boys. i was just become simple nothing else. like simplest dresses , she doesnt like the way I dress. she asked me to change this or she will not live with me , I told her father that your daughter cant be happy with me why are you doing this to her. please stop. they dont want to stop but they want to change me , few things she said to me after a year of engagement which i still remember that , I ll have a dark future with you, why you come to my father for a job, I cant live the life of restrictions until this time I got so attached to her but I cant compromise on the way of life i am living.so I have to leave her . it was a big thing for all family and mostly on me because i was alone in this decision and my family is not in my support that time. they used to say “shadi karlo baad me jese marzi rahna who will say anything.” this breakup also shattered me , I have to move on I started a job in a call center parttime. Life in a call centre(2.5yrs) I think every graduate should work in call center for six month and not more than that. what I will write here about that it was also working hell.lol.every minute is counting 3 comapnies of call center I worked all same.they count every minute you go to washroom, toilet, outside, and thats also every day. its like work is not more on some day or less on some day. it s that work is there always.and its simply sucks.its only for high energy young people , it enhances your communication and stress management,more then six month is not good. Leaving the job and preparing for it after 6 years This was a big decision as I told you. I took it and succeeded. after a gap of six years and working hell of call center I think that now is the time that I have to move on to my job. and I took the chance. I started learning programing from for loop and learned 6 months all basic and algorithms, linked list and what not. Getting my first IT job as a associate software engineer(2+yrs) That was one of the happiest day of my life that I deserve my degree to some extent at least as out of 8 candidates that day I was the only one that was able to solve the programming problem and get selected.such a happy day it was. Rigorous learning again(2yrs) for 2 years I learned so much things, .net upto mvc. front end, devops, some big data,api, etc etc etc.. Emotional affair with married woman and heartbreak This I cant tell you what it did to me .its long story if you want to read I asked the question related to same on quora last year, that time idint knew that much worst ahead read link https://justpaste.it/41enq she broke me 70% almost. but good thing was I knew I am wrong in that just this one thing gives me strength to come out of this. Getting fired from my job This is what I was not able to bear and I informed to my bosses that I need a break and they gave me permanent break…..lol. Emotional affairs within girl other caste and fight with parents. another blow omg that time I was desperate for marriage so that I can free from this emotional and physical requirement. I got a contact from a girl from a matrimonial site and we talked around one month and she have all what I wanted , education looks religiousness. we met , we liked each othe and I though now things will get settled and I told her that I will not take anything in dowry and I jst want marriage asap , initially she was hesitant to disclose this in front to her parents before the assurance from my side. and I was 100% sure from my parents side that they will not deny at all. because of whatever happened with me . so I told her . and then I informed my parents but surprisingly my father denied completely and said that go and marry, but leave my house as the girl from other caste , i requeste them so much that after this much long i liked some girl whom i can marry and she knows everything about me , please let me do so. all my family member that time got hold of fake izzat. any how I agree my mother to atleast see the girl they went with me there home and as I know they rejected as our community wont accpet them. so I was very very disheartened but I kept my patience and trust on God that things will get better.It unable to start , i felt so much guilty , the girl cried for 3 days . I asked forgiveness said i can t go against my parents wishes. Second engagement and breakup From there they take me to there relatives who have many daughters to choose from someone and I chose one because I wanted to marry asap. they liked me then again we talked and my sister also to a girl . everyting going fine . the girl side very mch interested for this relationship they want to fix the engagement asap. the day before they are coming to fix this . I dnt want it to be fix on some lie. i called a girl and informed her about my health issue and career issue. they came and got reluctant and without fixing anything went back then after second day they asked us to come to fix things , I was again on cloud nine hundred nine that finally everything fixed. I told them that I have good experience and no problem of a job , i will have a job soon . and for my health I will try to stop the medications. but one thing happened in informing all these to them that I lost my value.and they now are taking me for granted. aisa behave tha jese ahsaan kar rahe hain…we all went there house for engagment , I bought a diamond ring for her , clothes for her of my choice. with my relatives we went there. its not in my mind but my relatives dont like there hosting and made a drama. there come too many things for next 2 days and finally they cancelled the engagement , I asked them to atleast once let me talk to her. what happened.but they didnt allow. I got bedridden for a month. Lost all hope and will to live in all these days my medications jumps from 10mg to 225mg. and it has its side effects also. after last incident I lost all my wish to live at all. I prayed god to please take me away from this world.Because I will never do suicide . its against my religion and believes. but inside me nothing left. this happened in june 2019 and I am able to do lil works in oct and writing now. i decided to left my medications also whatsoever. I will not live a live on medications.If i will live , It will be my own. though I dnt want to live at all this kind of life.I have lost my health career relationship. from last 6 months i dont have any money . my parents giving me just for survival. 1000 pm I am surviving. locked up in my room, left my medications to 66% just 75mg remains. it hurt my body very badly. when I woke up in morning there is a swelling too much of my face every day. i cant focus to do simple work on computer continiously for 3 hrs. but death has not yet occured. so i think still something remains on earth. i am trying to recover. and hoping that good days may come. I have not achieved what I dreamed of. I want to live on the lap of God. The most hurtful thing is my brain condition which is not able to handle simple stresses like above many people may handle above things easily. but its really tough for me now very much . I really dont know what is the life of happiness. though I am fortunate to have able parents who even can support me now.but from inside nothing left. now I am really afraid to continue in engineering because i fear more pressure on brain will do harm to my brain . and rest I dont know what to do. Recovering and never give up I also wanted to live a happy life like many others.I will not suicide. but I dont know until when I can able to handle these pressures.Because now my body and mind is not giving me enough support to fight these pressures.I know people have more hardships then me but its not comparable with anyone to anyone. Positive things in my life:- God Almighty My parents, super supportive, and very patient I love them Hope Good home with all basic facilities My lovely nieces and nephews I am proud that I achieved many things which I decided, like I didn't achieved many. Few good friends. Aur bhi bht hoga jo mujhe abhi yaad nahi aa rha. Thank you God Bless you all.
  2. Hello everyone. Sorry for being abrupt with my introduction, but I just checked some threads that are similar to my situation and I'm freaking out. Male. 31yrs old. After 11years of paxil usage my doctor told me to come off it since apparently the med wasn't doing its work anymore. He suggested to quit paxil cold turkey and start venlafaxine. No paxil withdrawal at all. I took venlafaxine for 12 days, but I stopped after reading about side effects and horrible withdrawals. I went to a dif doctor who put me on mirtazapine, so I stopped venlafaxine cold turkey. That meant 28 days of brain zaps. After a month and a half of taking 15mg of mirtazapine nightly I started to notice emotional blunting and numb feet. I tried to go from 15 to 7.5mg and I had a sleepless night. I kept trying every now and then til I got to sleep at least 5 hours. I maintained the 7.5 dose for a week, then jumped to 3.75mg, stayed on that dose from another week and this past week I have been alternating between 3.75 and 0. I have been experiencing intrusive thoughts and panic attacks in the mornings. The emotional blunting hasn't lifted. My doctor prescribed Prozac as an AD and quetiapine for sleep, but I refused to take an antpsychotic as I'm aware of the permanent brain damage they might cause. I can cry a bit in very extreme circumstances and chuckle every once in a while, but most of the time I'm flat. Please give me some hope on getting all my emotions back once I'm completely off the drug. I'm terrified of the other mirtazapine "no emotions" posts.
  3. Hello all i had a bad panic attack one night after using some strong cannabis. So i ended up complaining to my docs office so for some reason they ended up trying me on this generic paxil from one random panic attack i guess. ill admit i was extra worried for 3 days after i stopped but since went away i since stopped been 7 weeks off the cannabis. Been 5 weeks off Paroxiltine seems like i have random nerve pains still. i am not sure what the cause is. i hope i am not damaged for life im only 37 really worried. The only thing im currently taking is some vitamins one a day gummies men's vitacraves. during taking the paxil i noticed pain in my left hand between my thumb and finger next to it and in my left foot. as soon as i stopped the paxil that pain went away. within a day. i had cramping in both legs the glutes which went to one side after a few days then the left side only then after a few days went away i seemed. Had blurry vision which seemed to go away after a few days then one day left eye went black with spots at night i thought what the hell im gonna be blind. after like 6 hours of sleep my vision came back it seemed both eyes normal. 2 days later had genital numbness on left side i said oh great what now another crappy problem this is bad but after a couple days it went away. after visiting the er abd a doctor a few times conplaining about tingling in my left arm pins and needles feeling at one point they dont find nothing they check movement of arms push and pull tests nothing. went to an eye doctor they say no health issues looks ok no stroke stuff. this was a few days ago. last week i noticed tingling prickling pins and needles in finger tips both hands then it was mostly on right side right hand. a few days later i notice numb right foot coldness. about 2 days ago i drank a soda in a glass bottle half after eating a steak sub had a burning sensation in both feet. drank a cap of apple vinegar about 25 mins later it went away. now past few days seems like right foot numb tingling really cold off and on mostly at night right glute sore. Not sure what the problem is really sucks hard to work worrying. i go to see a doctor this week again but seems like they woht find anything and will dismiss things and off go. Most people claim the symptoms of the paxil should have stopped it should be out of my system by now but everyone is different it seems. i hope i am not alone with this
  4. Hi everyone! First of all, English is not my native tongue and this is the first post I have ever written on a forum, so please bear with me. Writing this success story and sharing it with you have been a dream of mine for a long time. I never thought I would reach this milestone. I have mixed feelings posting this, as I know some of you might find it discouraging. If you are new to withdrawal, please stop reading here. This is a post for those of you who have been suffering badly for years and need proof that it's possible to recover even after a very long time. There is a brief summary in the end of this post if you can't or don't want to read the whole story. I also listed my withdrawal symptoms. Background I was on Paxil for 8,5 years (15-30 mg) and I made several quick tapers and CTs from low doses during the years. I took my last dose 11 years ago after a fairly slow taper (15 months) I started Paxil when I was 19 after having struggled with anxiety/emotional crisis for a few months. I was very skeptical of psychiatric drugs but my parents wanted me to try and I eventually got desperate enough to give in. I could just quit if it didn't help, couldn't I? I'm not going to describe in detail the long, sad and all too familiar story of what happened next. I tried to quit after five months, developed a delayed wd with intrusive thoughts and severe anxiety, and was told I was close to becoming psychotic. I gave up after half a year of the worst suffering I had ever experienced, and reinstated. I didn't believe in the broken brain-myth but I assumed my emotional problems must be far worse than I first thought and that I needed to solve those problems before coming off. A few years later I tried and failed again, same story but this time I also had severe physical symptoms. And then, after I had lost hope about myself and thinking I would be dead by now without the pills, I raised the dose from 20 mg to 30 mg, became euphoric and saw myself change into a new, much ”happier” person. I deteriorated quickly the following years, and spent more and more of my time in bed with muscle weakness and pain. I started having internal bleedings in my hands that no one could explain. I was somehow too drugged to really understand how serious my symptoms were. By now I had a decent list of ”psychiatric disorders” and had been on disability for years. I was considered a chronic case that should medicate for life, something I refused to accept. I would probably have kept deteriorating and died if I hadn't come across a forum for people struggling to quit prescription drugs. I finally understood what had happened to me. I was in the middle of my third serious attempt to quit, so I just continued to taper. I thought I would be ok if I just did a slow enough taper. I wasn't. Withdrawal hell I can go on and on and list my symptoms (see end of post) but as you all know, these lists don't do justice to the suffering. At 5 mg I started vomiting and it didn't stop. My main struggle during the following 16 months was to keep myself alive, physically. I was underweight and dehydrated, more or less completely bedridden, so nauseous and anxious that I lived minute by minute. Me and my fiancée had no support except the forum I found. I was too ill to write myself, but my fiancée did. (Mixter, if you are reading this: I honestly don't know if I would have made it without your knowledge and support. I am forever grateful.) Some people say that it's terrifying not knowing when the wd torture will end, and I agree. But the worst part for me was that I had lost hope that I could live without Paxil. I was afraid that even if I made it through the withdrawal I would still be tormented by my own mind. I wanted to live so badly, and I was afraid that I would eventually have to end my life to end the suffering. I remember sitting in my bed rocking back and forth and vomiting, or crawling around on the floor with an unbearable sense of impending doom, convinced I would have to die. The only reason I didn't raise the dose again when the wd got really bad was that my fiancée threatened to leave me if I did and I didn't want to live without her. The worst symptom I had is difficult to explain, and makes no sense to me today. I developed a severe phobia towards people, also my fiancée. I missed her so much but I couldn't handle being in the same room. I longed for people, but their presence triggered intense feelings of terror, unlike anything I had ever experienced. The intrusive thoughts, "ocd" and my extreme sensory sensitivity made it worse, but cannot completely explain the terror I felt. I was afraid that this was me without the drug and that I would have to live the rest of my life in complete isolation. This is hard for me to write about and I still have very little hope that anyone will understand what it was like to live with this intense terror for years. Then, about 11 months after my last dose, I had a few better weeks. I was still bedridden and the majority of my symptoms had not improved, but I remember being able to listen to music and eating solid food. I felt how reality and my personality was coming back, and I realised the world around me looked and felt completely different off Paxil. I started to feel glimmers of hope. Shortly after, my fiancée left me. I lost the person I loved the most, I lost my dog, I lost my home. I left without my belongings, too ill to pack, and spent the following nightmarish three years in my parents small guest room in the other end of the country, still far too ill to take care of myself. I was no longer in acute withdrawal, but many symptoms had not improved. I had stopped vomiting but the muscle weakness was still so severe that I couldn't sit up at a table and eat. I struggled with extreme sensory sensitivity, especially movements. I had to eat with my eyes closed as it was unbearable to see my hands move. I was nauseous, paranoid and hallucinating. 1,5 years off I estimated that I had about 0,2 % of my normal physical and cognitive abilities, judged from what I could and couldn't do compared to before Paxil. (automatic functions like heartbeats, breathing and so on not included.) Recovery I have to say that I saw only minor improvements the first years. 2,5 years after my last dose I remember thinking that I now had 2% of my physical and cognitive abilities, which after all, I kept telling myself, was an improvement with far more than 100% since the year before. The years went by. I never really had any windows. My improvements were very gradual, so slow that I had to wait at least six month before I felt certain that there had been an improvement at all. There are exceptions to this rule. A few symptoms cleared up rapidly and more or less completely. The symptom I feared the most, the horrible intrusive thoughts that I suffered the first times I tried to quit, was ironically one of the first symptoms to disappear. After about 3 years, I was able to be in the same room as another human being without fear. Most symptoms improved slightly, became worse again, got better, became worse again, until one day they didn't get as bad as before. And so on. The turning point It's hard to say when exactly I reached the point where I felt that I wouldn't have to kill myself even if I didn't continue to improve, but I believe it was in 2014, five years after my last dose. I would say I literally lived minute by minute during the first three of those five years, with few exceptions. I don't understand today how it was possible for me to live through that time but somehow it was. I wish I could say that I was brave and optimistic, but I wasn't. I was scared and alone. The thing I had that saved me was that I really wanted to live, and that I was lucky enough not to experience depression. I'm also a person with a lot of grit and with a somewhat autistic ability to thrive in complete solitude which I believe saved my sanity (well, whatever was left) those years when I was too ill to socialise with anyone. I remember thinking that I wished I could have been sentenced to five or ten years in prison instead, just to know that I would be free one day. I no longer feel that way. Addiction Most people don't experience this, but some of us do and I think it's important to talk about. I spent a lot of my time in recovery longing back to my Paxil-years. My life on Paxil may have been miserable in many ways‚ with self harm (I occasionally cut myself), aggression and lack of judgement, but I enjoyed being euphoric. Coming back to reality and getting used to having normal feelings again was sometimes as hard as managing the physical torture. I felt as if I had lost the beautiful world I had lived in, that I had thought was reality, and now was forced to live in a world that I recognised from growing up but now longer belonged to. Everything looked and felt so different, and I felt like a complete stranger here. I longed ”home” and had strong cravings at times and the cravings triggered some of my withdrawal symptoms, and that continued to be a big and somewhat embarrassing problem for several years. (The cravings are not gone but they are much less frekvent now) I wasn't consciously abusing Paxil, but I had built my whole life as an adult on a drug and created a fantasy-world where I could enjoy things I used to find boring, like socialising, or watching series, or other perfectly normal activities that just isn't my thing. Where I no longer felt alienated and different, where I no longer hated society, where I either was euphoric from increasing the dose, or hypomanic after tapering, and as soon as either the euphoria or hypomania was wearing off I just increased or decreased the dose, fooling myself than I was trying to quit when I was no longer even trying. The hardest part of going through withdrawal was that I knew deep down that my fantasy-world would fall apart, and it turned out I wasn't really ready to let go. I just wanted back, desperately. I had to be dragged out against my will until I was completely off Paxil and could think more clearly. I owe my life to my ex fiancée but it was a very cruel process at times. It’s hard to explain how you can love a drug that you know has ruined your life completely, but that was how I felt. It was like a once wonderful relationship that had turned abusive. When you realise what is happening you are already to weak to leave. It dosen't help that you know your loved one will kill you if you stay. I often felt like two different persons in one during recovery. The memory of Paxil-me that I still felt was the real me, and real me who I had to get to know again. It took about 7 years until I could accept that Paxil-me was gone for good. Looking at photos of Paxil-me today is more like looking at a younger sister, with a very different personality than mine, that tragically and unexpectedly died at age 28. I have stopped crying over her, but I keep a few of her belongings in a box as a memory. It breaks my heart every time people claim SSRI/SNRI can’t cause addiction. It may be rare, but I'm certainly not the only one. I guess those of us that have experienced this need to be more open about it but it's hard. Choosing reality over drugs was a question of life or death for me for a very long time, and the most difficult part of my recovery. It's the loneliest feeling, knowing that I might have to live the rest of my life unable to explain to people what I have been through. I fear that the most difficult time in my life will never be understood for what it was. Some advice regarding muscle weakness To all of you who have been suffering from debilitating muscle weakness for years, with little or no improvement, don't give up. This symptom was one of the most persistent for me and I remember feeling like my arms and legs were literally dead. I felt like I was damaged for life. I had no windows, although I had days that were worse than others. I know how it feels to be bedridden for years, locked up in your own personal prison, unable to participate in anything or do anything, even unable to write on a forum like this. But please don't give up. I finally did recover, and so can you. Try to remember what it was like being able to stand up normally, no matter how painful it is to remember what you have lost. Try to visualise yourself being able to run and jump, help your brain remember what it was like… When you finally start to see improvement, please be aware that you have probably lost most of your muscle mass and it will take time to regain it, and exercise is the only way to do that. It's not fair, but it will probably take a few years of hard work if you have been bedridden for years and developed severe back- and neck problems like I had. Even taking a walk may be very difficult, but don't let that discourage you. Try exercising in water if you have recovered enough to leave your bed. The water will carry your bodyweight and offer you some resistance. I strongly believe that exercise helps to heal brain damage. Today, I am more fit than most people my age, but it has been a very slow and gradual process. On year 4 I was able to increase my walks from five minutes, to ten. The next year from ten to fifteen, and so on …Walking have been especially hard for me and I'm not back to normal, but I have been able to walk 26 000 steps in one single day, which I think is amazing. Exercise made me worse in the beginning but I slowly got used to it and I never experience any bad reactions now days. Keep trying. A few words on diet You can't cure protracted withdrawal with a healthy diet, but it might speed up your recovery. I can't make a double blind study on myself, but I saw improvements in mood, cognitive abilities and speed of recovery after switching to a raw vegan diet in 2014. I do believe it makes my mind clearer and it makes me happier as well. If you want to try this diet, make sure to take natural (not synthetic) b12 and d3 supplements. Also try omega3 from algae instead of fish. My life today I celebrated 11 years off Paxil this spring. I lost 8,5 years of my life to Paxil, and another 10 years to recovery. Was quitting worth all the suffering? Definitely yes. Am I 100% recovered? No, I'm not, but I'm getting closer. I still struggle with some muscle weakness and cognitive problems. Walking still feels weird at times. I have a bad back and muscle twitches. Some sensitivity to light, sound and smell has remained, but it's very mild. The only symptoms that appears to be permanent are a few that resembles HPPS HPPD. My visual perceptions are still slightly distorted, but no where near what I experienced on Paxil. ( mod note- HPPD is an acronym for hallucinogenic- persisting perception disorder) I wondered for a long time if my lingering psychotic symptoms was wd or if the experience simply drove me mad, but I believe it was wd as hallucinations started shortly after my last dose and became more and more rare and ”mild” during the years (from occasional full blown visual hallucinations with eyes wide open, to waking up from sleep realising I'm hallucinating) I stopped panicking over hidden cameras and spys several years ago but I still struggle with interpersonal paranoia at times, which I actually find more difficult to deal with because it's more subtle and harder to keep at an arms length. This has improved a lot the last years though. This may seem depressing but it's not that bad. I would say I'm more than 95 % recovered and I'm staying hopeful that I will regain all of my former cognitive abilities, the only symptom that still makes me sad at times. (My problems are no longer noticeable to others, but I notice them.) I can live with back pain and a dash of madness if I have to. I even miss my visual hallucinations, the only symtom I actually enjoyed as they gave me a much needed break from reality. They were incredible beautiful too. My emotional life My personality came back to a large extent after 4,5 years, but my feelings started coming back much earlier. I regained an ability to feel ”real” emotions after about 1 year, although I can't say for sure whether I am 100% recovered or not as I don't remember what it used to be like. I do feel intense happiness and a wide range of other emotions, but I sometimes feel detached from them and from other people. I have a hard time relating to others, they seem ”overly emotional” and appears to be ”upset over nothing”. I do struggle a lot with empathy because of this. I’m sometimes puzzled over how I function on a social and emotional level now days, but whether this is my personality as an adult, the result of years of isolation/torture or Paxil itself is hard to tell. To be fair, I did have these tendencies before Paxil but these traits are much more pronounced now. Or maybe I just have a hard time taking my armour off. There were not much room for emotional needs during wd. Being a logic-driven observer was the only way I could handle the situation as I couldn’t trust which emotions was real or wd/psychosis. This is an incredible useful strategy while managing wd but I feel that I would like to become ”human” again. Just not sure how to do it as I more and more have come to believe that emotional reactions are a choice. This also means that I don't really know what to feel about everything I went through, or how to process the whole experience on an emotional level, and my attempts to figure it out with logic has failed for very obvious reasons. The happy end is just the beginning A few people I know of who were healthy and happy while I was in wd hell, have now died in cancer or become ill with no hope of recovery. I have learnt that although I have gone through a difficult time, I am also very lucky. I may no longer be gasping in awe during my short walks, crying of joy and gratitude over being alive and being able to see the birds fly, but that gratitude is always with me. The last 4-5 years have also taught me that you don't need to be completely recovered to live a deeply meaningful and happy life. I can't say that life is back to normal, because I was I teenager last time I was here. It was long ago in another life. Things will never be like that again. But I'm reaching a point where I feel like I don't regret what has been. I'm hoping for a long life and it's far too early to tell whether this journey was a bad life experience or a good and useful one. If I could choose a soundtrack for this post, then it would be Ordinary world by Duran Duran: "What has happened to it all? Crazy, some'd say Where is the life that I recognize? Gone away But I won't cry for yesterday There's an ordinary world Somehow I have to find And as I try to make my way To the ordinary world I will learn to survive" You will learn to survive too. No matter how hopeless things may seem right now, just keep going. You only have to go through this once, and your future self will be so, so grateful that you didn't give in. Being free again and being yourself is worth waiting for, even if it takes a decade, or more. One day you will be writing your own success story. I know you will. Thanks for reading this long post. You can ask me anything you want, I'm happy to help. Aurorax --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Summary and milestones: 2001: Starts Paxil at age 19. 2001-2004: Two failed attempts to quit. 2005: Increases dose to 30 mg. Close ones concerned about me being all wired up and lacking judgement. 2006: Life is falling apart: my carrier, my health, my relationships, my cognitive abilities. My plan to taper over two years is not going well, there always seems to be a reason to raise the dose again. 2007: Increases the dose to 30 mg again but it’s no longer ”working”. I consider increasing the dose to 40 mg but that would be like saying I'm worse than ever and that's a frightening thought. 2008: Third attempt to quit. Finally realising that my ”illness” is side effects and withdrawal symptoms. Decides to make a slow taper. 2009, April: Last dose of Paxil. End of 2008 to beginning of 2010: Lost in withdrawal hell, struggling to keep myself alive. Loses my spouse, my dog and my home. 2010-2012: Still minute by minute most of the time. Bedridden. 2013: 4 years off. I have a home of my own again but struggle with household chores. Too ill to go to the grocery store. Too ill to sit up in a chair. Too ill to do anything else than surviving. Bedridden most of the time. Mourns having been gone for so many years, feels like I came back too late. No one remembers who I am off Paxil, not my parents, not my siblings. Longing back to Paxil-land. 2014: Still spend a lot of time resting in bed. Having a home is manageable but feels like running a small business. Nausea is almost gone. I can read books, browse the internet, write in my diary. I realise that I have survived coming off Paxil. Still a lot of physical symtoms but I’m happy for the first time off Paxil. I can live without drugs! 2015: I'm starting to realise the extent of the damage done by Paxil and the wd experience regarding my personality and emotional life. I no longer feel ”human”. I feel disconnected from everyone, empathy nearly gone. I feel like nothing can really bother me as long as my or others life aren't threatened. 2016- 2017: Year 7-8. I continue to improve. 2018: I have recovered enough to return to the town I had to leave, and start my new life. I don't know anyone here but it dosen't matter, I feel no need for friends. No problems taking care of household or go shopping for the things I need. I feel lika an animal released from its cage. I'm really happy. 2019: Celebrates 10 years off. Working part time from home, self employed. I can sit up in a chair without pain. I eat out, I go to the movie theatre, I travel overseas for the first time. I go to gym classes. It stills feels unreal that the person that is running with high knees, doing burpees and lifting heavy barbells is me. 2020: Life is no longer about recovery. There is so much I wan't to do that I don't even know where to start. I sometimes feel like a young adult making plans for the future. I'm less on guard and my ability to feel empathy is improving. Things that happens to me and other people have an emotional impact on me again. I recently decided to end my lone wolf lifestyle and have just found my first friends here. Feels like I'm in the beginning of a big adventure and can't wait to see what will happen next. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Symptoms are 100% resolved unless otherwise stated: Physical: Air hunger Arrhythmia (Improved but not resolved) Blurred vision Brain zaps Burning sensation in skin Chilling sensation in legs Convulsions Diarrea Digestive system ”shutting down”, unable to absorb water for 1-2 days during worst part of wd Difficulty swallowing Difficulty walking (Still feels a bit weird) Dizziness Dry eyes Exhaustion Exuding small, round wounds, mainly on my back but also arms, chest, head, face (Not from self harm or scratching) Fatigue Feeling of electricity running through my body Feels like hands and arms are gone Feels like muscles are melting (Various other painful or unpleasant sensations all over my body that I don't bother to list) Fever Flashing blue lights inside my head Flu like symptoms Fluid running from nose and mouth Freezing Headache Heart palpitations Heart racing when I’m trying to stand up on my feet Internal bleedings Involuntary movements in jaw and feet, usually when falling asleep or waking up from sleep Itching Legs kicking Loss of appetite Muscle cramps Muscle pain Muscles shaking Muscle twitching (Still have this a few times a day) Muscle tension (Greatly improved but still have this. Could be many other reasons for this though) Muscle weakness/low muscle tone (95% resolved, still comes and goes in waves) Not able to eat solid food Not able to eat fluid food Nausea, very intense and relentless for years Numbness (Still a bit numb in my toes) Out of breath Pain in stomach and chest Passing out Poor balance Poor coordination Pressure over head Restless legs Sensitivity to light, sound, motion, smell (not completely resolved but very mild) Sensation of insects crawling over my skin Shaking Shortness of breath Slurred speech Sounds echoing in head Stress intolerance Sweating Temporary hearing loss Tinnitus (Greatly improved but still there) Vomiting Weight loss Weird attacks/blackouts, not sure what this was. Seizures? First one had me crawling on the floor, my visual field was rotating back and forth and I was vomiting. Second I felt like my foot was stuck to the floor while strong electric current was running through my leg, woke up in bed later after blackout. Whole body jerks Whole body suddenly numb, can't walk Zaps in jaw and legs (still have occasional mild leg zaps) Distorted visual perception: These resembles HPPT HPPD and seem to be permanent with no improvement last years. It's very mild, except the halos (I have had my eyes checked) No prior use of hallucinogens/street drugs. Floaters (Improved) Halos (Some improvement) Seeing sparkling lights (Improved) Things moving in the corner of my eyes (Improved) Things moving in weird ways (Resolved) Trails (Improved) Visual snow (Resolved) World stills looks/feels a bit weird in a way that reminds me of ”Paxil-land” but not near as intense. This comes and goes too) Cognitive: Brain fog, it literally took me half a day to write a few sentences on a postcard. (95% resolved) Confusion, like having to think to remember whether its winter or summer right now Difficulty finding words Difficulty speaking Difficulty understanding speech Disorganised and slow speech Exaggerated three-dimensionality (Still experience this when reminded of wd-hell. Not sure this is a wd-symptom, feels more like dissociation related to the trauma) Feeling drunk in an unpleasant way Feeling like I have lost my intelligence (Still not sure if I’m 100% recovered) Impaired memory Phrases repeating themselves in head, random words and images popping up out of nowhere Panic attacks or nausea while trying to read Poor concentration, could take me half an hour to read a page in a book. Used to be a very quick reader (95% resolved) Unable to process information Unable to se TV/watch movies Emotional: Aggression Akathisia (Most likely resolved. Still pacing and moving feet and hands a lot, but the intense inner torment is gone. Maybe I'm just a fidgety person) Anxiety Crying spells Delusions Drug cravings (Still happens if I'm triggered) Feeling of impending doom Hallucinations, mainly visual Hearing ”silent” voices while resting. Not auditory hallucinations, but not ”my own” thoughts. Usually incoherent and absurd phrases. Always different ”people”. Harming self Harming others (hitting, biting) Helplessness Homicidal ideation Hopelessness Hypomania Insomnia Intrusive thoughts Irritability Mood swings Nervousness (95% resolved) Nightmares and dreams about craving drugs ”Ocd” (Improved but not resolved. I had tendencies before Paxil so could be my personality.) Panic Paranoia (Still experience mild paranoia occasionally) Phobia towards people Psychotic break with reality Rage Ruminating Screaming Strange ”panic attacks”, mostly during night Suicidal ideation Terror Waking up crying/screaming/hitting/kicking (Still happens a few times a year) Walls bending
  5. Hello, I have been on Ssris for the past ten years, different doses and different meds. I started on lexapro 20 mg when I was 18 and get great for years. When I hit 22 I started lowering my meds due to side effects and simply being uncomfortable being on meds. I got down to about 10 mgs and stayed there for a while. 2 years ago I did a fast taper and got down to 5 mgs way too fast. I experienced withdrawal really bad without knowing what it was and thought I was relapsing on anxiety/depression. For a year I messed around trying to find the right med and trying to find the right combo. I now realize meds were a problem all along and all I want is to feel normal and be off of them. I also realize I’m going through withdrawal and have to be patient. Ok, time to backtrack. Eventually I decided to go on paxil about a year ago after trying a slew of other Ssris. The reason being that my dad takes it and I thought it would help me out. Bad idea. I quickly got up to 37.5 mg in only about 4 months bc it didn’t seem to be helping. After this, I decided meds weren’t the answer and started dropping my dose, not knowing the correct method or pace. My first drop was to 25 mg controlled release and it was horrific. I decided to wait for a while before making and other drops. About 5 months. Back in may of this year I dropped again to 20 mgs regular release. I’ve been experience protracted withdrawal for almost 4 months now from that drop. Things seem to gradually be improving, but I just hit another bad wave and am looking for advice/support. Also, I’ve been on different doses of Ssris for a long time. Since I was 18 and I’m 28 now. I’m thinking about jsut holding head until I feel good before tapering the correct way. I just don’t know how long I should wait, or when it’s time to start again. Any help is very much appreciated. Thanks!!
  6. I was on a medication for depression,anxiety, and panic attacks for 2-3 yrs than I went off the med , but 2 yrs later I relapsed, than I started to take 30mg paxil. - On Paxil 30mg for 15 yrs than I tapered it off around aug 2013 went down to 20mg for 3 month than 10mg for 2 month than 5mg for 2 month than 5mg every other day for 1 month than 5mg every two day for 1 month than 5mg every there day for 1 month than 5mg every four day for 1 month than 5mg every five day for 1 month than 5mg every six day for 1 month than 5mg every 7 day for 1 month than 5mg every 8 day for 1 month July 30 2014- Went on vacation- I took a 3 day bus ride, then a wk later, i took an 3 day bus back. On the way back all I was very anxious and had very negative thoughts. I had a panic attack on the bus so I took a 5mg of paxil. When i get back home, it didnt go away and havent slept in days. Anxiety, despression panic attacks got worse. Went to go see family doctor, now i am back on paxil 20mg daily. Aug 10, 2014 - 5mg (on bus) Aug 11, 2014 - 10mg (at home) aug 12, 2014 - 20mg (after seeing dr) so here I am taking 20mg of paxil again daily. I think I tapered down to fast, because i didn't know better. -This is the second time I try tapper off Tapper off 20mg for 11 months went down to 10mg right now. when I was on 11mg I was ok but I just start the 10 mg 10 days ago April 25, 2016 Right now I having anxiety attack and depression. what Should I do. go back up to 20mg or Stay on 10 mg. I am doing this on my own I don't have a doctor and should I go see a psychologist or a doctor better. If you have any suggestions or advice, please feel free to post. thx
  7. Hello everyone! First of, since I've been visiting this site for a while already, thanks for this open platform where I see so much understanding and support for each other. I have been taking Paxil for most of my life, when I was around 14 years old I had my first encounter with overwhelming anxiety which would eventually cripple my life when I was around 17. I got prescribed with Paxil when I was around 15 and had ups and down with its effectiveness. When I was 17 I got into day therapy for half a year where my dose would gradually be built up to 60mg. From then everything looked pretty good, I was never really comfortable with taking the medication, but life was bearable and I could finally enjoy my years as a more carefree teen. Over the years I took a cold-turkey attempt to stop (bad idea) and eventually started again. In 2014 I was serious on stopping Paxil (at this time I was on 20mg a day) I consulted with my GP and came up with a tapering plan with regular evaluation points. This went pretty well, I managed to get to 5mg a day without any withdrawal symptoms. What didn't helped was that I moved during that time and got a different GP. Here the lowest amount of Paxil in tablet form is 5mg (half a tablet of 10), my GP thought of 5mg as a homeopathic dosage and saw no problem dropping that to 0mg in a few weeks where I take 5mg every other day. I started to get the usual withdrawal symptoms; stressed, brain-zaps, very easily aggravated, depression. This led to a burn-out from which I needed a year to recover. It was now 2017 and I started taking Paxil again and my life went back to 'normal'. In 2018 I started to experience problems with my eye-sight. I had a blurry patches in my central vision that made reading very hard. Since I am working in IT staring at screens all day this was quite an inconvenience. I went to the GP and had my eyes tested, no cause was found. Conclusion was that it is due to Paxil. Around the same time my cognitive abilities also started to decline, my memory recollection became bad to the point where I felt I could no longer work on my previous level. During my burn-out period I made some pretty big changes in my life, one of them was the intention to stop Paxil for good. This was all good, I had a new fire burning and a perspective on a better life. From 2018 to 2019 I went down from 20mg to 5mg. Over the course of 7 months I went down from 5mg to 0mg with liquid Paxil. This decrease went pretty smoothly, when I was nearing 1mg p/d I experienced my first panic attack in years, thankfully it was in a very safe place...Not! I was zip-lining with my colleagues from work where you had this harness on that tied you to a cable from which you couldn't detach from 5m high in a tree. Horrible place to be when having a panic attack! I But, of course I survived and kindly passed on the next course with some excuse. This experience shook me up quite a bit. I was getting more and more stressed. I thought it was work, a 2 week holiday was glinting in the horizon and I usually start feeling more exhausted when salvation is near. For the first week I couldn't relax, I felt bad, everything annoyed me. I was being an ass to my wife and the kid. But, being as my wife is the most amazing person in the universe, we talked a lot and eventually I came to the realization that it was not work, but withdrawal from Paxil. Over the course of a number of weeks these withdrawal symptoms subsided and I felt better. But since two weeks the frequency of the panic attacks went up and also the intensity... This week was my worst week. I feel like I am that scared boy of 14 again. It started last monday. My brothers girlfriend mom passed away and we (my wife and I) really wanted to show our support by being there. I was feeling already pretty tense by the thought of having to drive there (1h 10m drive). It would be in the evening and since winter is approaching it gets dark pretty early again. The dark makes me feel more uncomfortable. It was horrible, I was in constant fight or flee mode, my wife pulled me through this and we managed, but I was exhausted. The following day I felt bad, super tense. We talked and decided that I should talk to someone about this. My life was being crippled again...On Wednesday I have my free day from work and talked to the GP, explained the situation and she made a referral to a psychologist, but it take around 40 days before I can expect my first visit. Wednesday evening was horrible. My wife started feeling bad and thought she had a fever, I panicked. What if she had the coronavirus, I didn't feel like I am now in the state of supporting her if she gets sick and dealing with this panic attacks while having corona scared the hell out of me. I eventually managed to calm down a bit that night by focusing on my breathing, but woke up in the early morning and panic started again. I felt a combination of de realization where everything looked different to me and felt like I was on the edge of completely losing control. It was like this scary shadow waiting in the back of my mind to take control. I felt so bad knowing that the only safe place, our house is now also a place where I experience panic attacks. During the day on Thursday I managed to take back some control realizing I was continuously hyperventilating. By focusing on my breathing I was able to calm down. I found some nice apps for my phone which helped a lot during these attacks (I wish this existed when I was young!). Yesterday I again had a panic attack after watching a movie, it seems like everything has so much more impact on me and can destabilize me quickly. I do feel it building up better now, it feels like fountain originating from my gut and going upwards in my body. Once I feel that I start focusing on my breathing which helps to not let the panic take over my mind completely. Yesterday evening I also first had the feeling that I could observe my panic attack and rationality look at it which feels like a big achievement. I read about accepting anxiety and through practice being able to observe it and not let it control me anymore. I almost discovered the DARE response book and app which looks interesting. I feel a bit torn right now between wanting to go back to my 'safe' live on Paxil or push through. Since two days ago my perception is changed, I feel different and I don't understand why that happened so drastically. I don't feel the same as I used to and that scares me. Is it going to pass or is this how I actually should feel and perceive the world? I already started to enjoy some of the positive changes of live without medication, but I am scared that this is just the beginning of a heap of negative ones that are just lurking around the corner. I am sorry if this introduction is a bit too much of a wall of text. But I think you kindly for taking your time and reading through it! Thanks, Tim
  8. I would like too greet you all in first place and wish you all best in your life. I'm 26 years old male. I don't want to talk about personal struggles and situations, just about solutions and going forward. I was on 20 Mg paroxetine and 3mg bromazepam. I'm not from USA or western Europe, but I think that is 20 Mg Paxil and 3 Mg Lexotan or Lexotanil for around 6 years. Few times I tried to quit but I didn't know about withdrawal and I used to come back on same medication. I never went up in dose, just maintaining. Before 5 months I decided to go off Paxil. I have been sick, flu like symptoms,tears, fatigue, insomnia, vivid dreams etc. Survived worst part I think, and felt good like never before after suffering a lot. Still have a stomach problems, and alot of symptoms but I'm glad I did stop it. And I don't want to go back on it. Tried to do same with Lexotan, but then my symptoms go very bad. I don't take it daily, only sometimes when I can't stand symptoms like unable to concentrate and bad and random thoughts coming to my head so I can't function properly. In first place why I started taking these two medication is hiatal hernia, part of my stomach coming through diaphragm giving very bad anxiety and symptoms. I can stand withdrawal if I take Lexotan sometimes. I need your advice on what to do. I don't have time to heal at home, I need to go work and life is waiting. I repeat I don't want to go back on ssri, but to function "normal" I need occasionally this benzodiazepine called Lexotan. I don't take 3 Mg, rather 1.5 mg, occasionally. I tried without it also, and I could fight it but at home In nice environment. I appreciate any advices, maybe somebody went through something similar. Now I know I should first stop benzodiazepine, then ssri, but I'm glad I got off Paxil.
  9. Hallo. I have been on Paxil for 20 years, 20 mg I went down to 10mg, then I switched to Prozac After 15 months tapering, I am down to 1 mg In my country there is no liquid for Prozac, but I can resolve them in water, just don’t know how to measure. I would appreciate a help with that. Thank you
  10. It’s my first time posting so hello to everyone . I’m so glad I stumbled on this site I’ve been so scared not knowing what was going on with me . ill try and make this as short as I can . In August of 2018 I hit what I believe to be called poop out (reaching tolerance) from taking seroxat for 15 years straight . Anxiety started to creep into my days even though I was on 20mg and hadn’t had problems only minor in the past . A visit to the dr led to him increasing my dosage to 30mg. I didn’t feel happy about this and decreased back down within 3 weeks. I knew for me the answer was to taper off. In November 2018 i went to see a psychiatrist for advice on tapering as my dr hadn’t got a clue (too long to go into) . She said to drop 5mg see how I went for 4 weeks before dropping again . This seemed to go ok . In December 2018 she said to drop another 5mg again I felt ok. Don’t get my wrong I had lots of weird symptoms with some depression and anxiety but didn’t feel too bad I put this down to the 50mg of pregabalin she said I should take three times daily (prescribed in November ) . I take twice daily on the advice of my dr. In January she said to decrease by 2.5 mg which I have done. I am now taking 7.5mg daily . From reading things on this site I now know I am tapering tooooooo quickly and my body is now telling me this too as my symptoms are more pronounced and the depression is really setting in. I don’t know what to do for the best and was hoping for some advice here. Do I stay put and wait to get stable though I have read somewhere on this site that it can take up to 18 months to start to stabilise after poop out. Or do I increase tiny amounts until I feel able to cope better with the symptoms? I am still working every day . my thoughts before finding this site were that I needed to get off seroxat because it had started to make me feel so much worse and that by keep taking it I’m poisoning my body and it will never head towards homeostasis while I’m still taking it no matter what dose. I would be so grateful for any advice .
  11. First off, I am so incredibly thankful for this forum. I would of never ever got off this medication if I had not found this forum. A big thank you to Alto and all the mods that work hard to help everyone. A big thank you to everyone I talked to daily on here as well Here is my intro thread ☼-cocopuffz17-paroxetine-free-but-not-trouble-free When I came to this forum I had no idea what was going on with me after coming off 11 years of paroxetine use @ 20mg. I was told by my psychiatrist that this drug isn't known to cause this, I know that's not true after going through the hell of AW/PAW. My body was being ravaged by chronic fatigue, autoimmune conditions and a plethora of AW (acute withdrawal) and PAWS(post acute withdrawal) symptoms. I was terrified and did not think I could get through it at the time. But I constantly read stories of success and knew that it was possible and my mindset slowly shifted. I knew that whatever this would throw at me I would be able to take it after making that decision in my mind. Here is some back story of my battle against depression/anxiety and the war I went to with getting off this medication. In high school I struggled immensely with anxiety. I would have panic attacks almost everyday and missed a lot of school because of it. Shortly after graduating I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder/depression and told I had a chemical imbalance from a psychiatrist that I was seeing and would need an antidepressant (paroxetine) to fix this imbalance. I trusted the psychiatrist as this is what they are educated to do. Never once was nutrition ever mentioned, this will make sense later in my story. Things did get a bit better. I no longer had this terrible anxiety and could function better out in public. So this led me to believe the doctor was right and that I needed medication to function as I was told I had a chemical imbalance. Over time I slowly slid into a deeper depression and struggled with sleeping. I went to my family doctor and he said to just take sleeping pills. So I took sleeping pills to sleep. I now know this was insomnia caused by the medication. I continued my life and took my antidepressant for multiple more years before I had a health condition pop up. In 2011 I was diagnosed with having erythema multiforme. The E.R. doctor told me it was from an allergic reaction to penicillin. I believe it was caused from long term antidepressant use. It was the most painful thing I have ever experienced at that point in my life. I had a full body rash that was the itchiest thing you could imagine and every time the rash hit a joint I was unable to bend that joint. It was terrifying and painful as could be. It lasted around 2 weeks. Here is a reference pic before any of these health conditions. I don't remember the exact time frame on this. But it was in the 2013-2015 range. I was feeling way better and decided that I didn't need my AD anymore. So I cold turkey'd. All hell broke loose and I literally went crazy and was uncontrollable. All my anxiety symptoms came rushing back and nothing but pure rage for everything in the world. I reinstated and everything slowly returned back to medicated normal. I tried this twice with cold turkeys, I failed hard both times. The third time I spoke with my psychiatrist and he suggested doing a taper of 3 months @ 25% per month. I made it about 1 month and had to reinstate because the "original symptoms" were too strong, which I now know were withdrawals from coming off the medication. Once again this just supported the psychiatrist's theory of the chemical imbalance and I was like okay I guess I'm on this medication for life. Late 2014 to early 2015, I was having trouble swallowing food. My tonsils were so swollen. I ended up getting a tonsillectomy in 2015. Yet another random health condition that popped up out of the blue. I blame this excessive inflammation on the medication I took long term. Fast forward to late 2015.... I started losing my hair. I ended up going to a dermatologist and he diagnosed me with alopecia. This sucked. I went into a further depression. After recording this video I immediately changed my nutrition to a paleo diet. I saw regrowth on my scalp(not full growth though). The results slowed down and I stopped eating paleo and my condition got worse. I ended up losing all my hair on my scalp and was feeling the worst I had felt in my life and slid into a deeper depression. I was not feeling like my current psychiatrist was helping me. So I asked my family doc for a referral to another psychiatrist. I got an appointment a few months later. I went to it and it just so happened there was two psychiatrists in the room. At first I was like yes! Multiple opinions! I told them I was feeling suicidal and thought about it constantly. They both agreed that this was a normal feeling and everyone feels like this at times. This was the point where I realized I was not going to receive the help I needed to get through this from these doctors. It is not normal to feel like this and absolutely ridiculous that the trained professionals can say that. I now know this was caused by my antidepressant. Shortly after this all happened my alopecia was progressing. It was going from alopecia areata to alopecia universalis. I was slowly coming to terms with having no hair on my scalp and knew I could not handle losing my eyebrows and facial hair. I lost 50% of my leg and arm hair. This is the point when I looked myself in the mirror with tears rolling down my face and said I will never let myself be this depressed again in my life. I had no idea how I was going to do it at that time. But I made myself a promise and I refused to break it. I had some success with nutrition changes when I did the paleo diet a few years prior. So this is where I started reading more on nutrition. So after doing that I started reading a lot on people who had reversed autoimmune conditions and how they did it. There were two main contenders I found. A) ImmunoSuppressants B)Nutrition changes. I refused to be on another drug. I thought I needed to be on an antidepressant for life, like hell I was going on another drug for life with all the side effects associated with it. So I chose nutrition changes. In October of 2018 I started The Plant Paradox by Dr.Gundry! In 6 weeks I felt the best I had ever felt in my life. This gave me the confidence to attempt another taper. So I went back to my original psychiatrist(I was still going to him as I needed prescription refills). He suggested the 3 months at 25% per month. I agreed....I just trusted the doctor for tapering as I knew nothing about it at this time. This is where the hardest year of my life is about to begin. It took almost 5 years and a lot of pain, a lot failing and a lot of learning. But I grew my hair back after being told I would just have to learn to live with it from doctors. I thought this would be the hard part....not the case. Getting off of my antidepressant was. The first drop from 20 mg to 15 mg was not bad. A slight headache. I stayed at 15 mg for 30 days. The second drop from 15 mg to 10 mg was much harder. This is when I started reading forums and found so many struggles of what people were going through and truly how hard it is to get off of these drugs. I had fevers, cold shakes(I would have a hot bath 3-4 times a day to stay warm), headaches were picking up in intensity, fatigue was starting to happen daily and insomnia. I stayed at 10 mg for 30 days The third drop was from 10 mg to 5 mg absolutely wrecked me. I had even worse insomnia, lightning bolts in my visions, headaches got worse, I was unable to focus, fatigue was even more crushing(I was sleeping 14-16 hr days), cold shakes, tinnitus, vertigo, light sensitivity(I was wearing sunglasses at night it was that rough) and lagging vision ( I would turn my head and know my head was moved but by eyes were still seeing the image from 5 seconds before). I stayed at 5 mg for 15 days. I added another drop in here.... because I was suppose to go from 5 mg to 0 mg but I felt so awful and panicked so I went to 2.5 mg for 15 days with all the same symptoms. I know this is way too fast of a taper now. I did not know at the time as I was just following my doctors instructions. CONTINUED BELOW ↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓↓
  12. Moderator note: link to benzo forum thread - Miko789: Xanax withdrawal/tapering Hi, I'm new to the forum, I have some questions I want to ask. My doctor prescribed effexor for depression, in 2009. Now I'm free of symptoms and I managed to come off with withdrawal symptoms though. That's with the antidepressant. Now I'm on Risperdal consta from November 2013 and seroxat 10mg. My doctor prescribed with risperdal consta 3,3mg/day long acting injection every two weeks. From February 2015 he lowered the dosage to 25mg/every 2 weeks equals 1,66mg/day. I tried to lower the seroxat 10mg but after 40-45h I have withdrawal symptoms vertigo, dizziness. Is it possible to cut down seroxat? How about the Risperdal consta (long acting injection). Has anyone tapered off completely without withdrawals? I read about the 10% harm reduction procedure to taper off and I'm going to tell my doctor and follow. thanks in advance
  13. I had sporadic anxiety issues as a teen, maybe even panic episodes, but I didn’t attribute them to a disorder (I’d never heard of such a thing at that time). I just figured I was an ‘anxious person.’ In my early 30s, sometime after my wife and I had our first child, I began having panic attacks at night. I didn’t know what they were and my fear exacerbated the problem. Panic attacks began happening during work, waiting in lines, at theaters, in my car. Eventually, I started reading books about anxiety, saw my doctor, and then started counseling. I got lots of great non-med help, but still felt like my daily life was a fight from morning to night, so I finally accepted that I needed to try medication. I started on Zoloft and was on that for a few years, maybe 5 or 6. Then I switched, with my doctor’s suggestion to Paxil, which I was on for about 7 years. I don’t know my dosage history anymore, but for the last many years I was taking 10mg a day (half a pill). I can’t remember why I made the switch. Over this time anxiety got better. The daily fight dwindled to weekly and then occasionally and I even forgot it was an issue for periods of time, though I would be reminded when I had to be up in front of people, which my job requires. With my wife’s encouragement, I decided to try to wean off Paxil and, with my doctor’s direction, did so over the course of one and half months from November to December 2019. And...everything seemed great for 4-5 months. I couldn’t believe it. I felt just like I had felt under medication-no big issue at all with anxiety (and now I didn’t have any of those pesky side effects from the meds!). But in May 2020 (about 4-5 months after I weaned off the meds) i started waking up feeling anxious-pit in the stomach, like one feels when going to give a speech. There was no ‘thought’ or actual life worry-I just felt anxious every morning. I hadn’t had that experience since I was a teen/early 20 year old. I am 45 right now. Now I wake up nearly every morning at 3:30-4:30am and cannot get back to sleep, no matter how long I lay there. I either wake with the anxiety in my stomach or, if it’s not there right away, it comes on by the time I get up. That anxious stomach feeling can go all the way until 9-11am, sometimes longer, though it eventually is gone by midday. But even though it is gone by midday, it has triggered my body and mind and I feel so susceptible to anxiety throughout my work day that I feel I have come full circle once more and am seeing every work day as a fight just to make it to the end of the day. It’s so exhausted and I feel so helpless and worry that it won’t change. The Lord is my strength and He has helped me get through, but I hope, and it’s why I came to this site, that He may have taken me to this forum to get some insight here.
  14. Last February, I was getting close to tapering off of Paxil, when I got the flu, which made my body think that I had stopped Paxil cold turkey (at least, that's what it felt like). I went to the hospital, and they bridged me over to 40 mg Prozac and added 2.5 mg Abilify and 100 mg Trazadone for sleep. The Abilify actually calmed me down so I could think rationally. I tapered off the Abilify after 2 months, no problem. I had stabilized and was feeling great from late May to September. In late Sept., I discussed with my doctor about tapering off Trazadone next. I had been on it for 6 months. She agreed. I did a 5% taper per week (95 mg, 90 mg, 85 mg, etc). At 85 mg, I started "jolting" and twitching in my sleep. I jumped back up to 100 mg to stabilize. I didn't realize Trazadone was going to do that to me. Two weeks after that, nausea started appearing. And then head pressure and some ringing in my ears. It's now been 6 weeks and it hasn't let up. I'm barely functioning at all. What did I do wrong? I was wondering if I still have some Paxil withdrawal in the system that the Prozac and Trazadone had been covering up for me. Anyway, how slow should one come off of Trazadone? My doctor has suggested that my body must still be sensitive from all the medicine changes in March. She says that when I stabilize, we should wait a year before trying to come off of it again. A part of me is thinking of going back on 2.5 mg Abilify for no more than 2 months (like the first time) so that I can actually function. Help!
  15. Hi everyone, After many months of reading and gaining some hope and encouragement from the stories here I decided to join your great forum. Sorry, but this is a very long story. Im a 39 year old male from Australia and I have been taking ssri’s for GAD for the last 10 years. I started on Paxil 20mg for around 18 months and was switched to lexapro 10mg due to weight gain, sexual dysfunction and fatigue. Lexapro was a little better but I really didn’t feel like it was doing much apart from keeping the weight up and the motivation down. I am 6’2 and was always skinny, I never could bulk up. Paxil took me from 78kg and healthy to 100kg and always sweaty in around 12 months. I tried a few times to simply stop the meds but had no idea about withdrawal or tapering and always ended up reinstating due to awful side effects (rage, crying spells etc). The drs always said thats just how you are off the meds...... keep taking them for the rest of your life. They also upped my dosage a few times but I quickly went back to 10mg. In 2017 I felt lexapro wasn’t being effective so the dr straight swapped me to Valdoxan for a few weeks and I felt awful. They then straight swapped me to Prozac and around 4 days into taking that I woke in the middle of the night to terrible ringing in my ears. This was my first introduction to tinnitus. I freaked out and asked to be put back on lexapro. I reinstated at 10mg again and everything calmed down after about 7-8 weeks of hell. The tinnitus that was in both ears and the middle of my head reduced to a tiny amount only in my left ear. I now know this was likely my last chance at reinstatement working for me..... more on that soon. So another few years went past and the side effects of weight gain, heat intolerance, sexual dysfunction and the general feeling of “blah” were just too much for me to handle. I began a taper in January of 2019 and went from 10mg to 7.5mg for 4 weeks. I then went to 5mg for 4 weeks and finally 2.5mg for 4 weeks. I felt okay during the taper, my tinnitus was a little bit louder but not enough to bother me, I was more irritable and I had brain zaps. The real “fun” began around 12 weeks after the taper off the medication...... I had a panic attack and fell into one of the episodes that put me on meds in the first place. These were purely anxiety driven and I never felt depressed. I’ve had them since about 13 years of age and I always recovered from them and they lasted from 1 to 3 months usually. They would encompass intrusive thoughts, shakes and shivers, anxiety and panic only. So I decided to jump straight back on the lexapro 10mg thinking all these drs are right and I’m doomed to be on meds for the rest of my life. But something happened that didn’t happen before..... they didn’t work. After a few weeks I felt worse and my ears started to really scream, I had awful insomnia and a really bad eczema rash appeared on my chest and legs. I now know this as a severe reaction to the meds after too fast a taper and too fast of a reinstatement. If I had not jumped straight back on the meds I likely would have had to deal with wd symptoms only and not so many physical ones as well. So after 6 weeks of hell my dr upped my dose to 20mg and I waited another 5 weeks. That didn’t work either, just got worse. My dr referred me to a psychiatrist at this point and things got really bad. He upped my dose to 40mg lexapro, I stuck this out for another 5-6 weeks and it made me no better, actually worse. He then said ssri’s don’t seem to work for you now so let’s try Effexor. We cross tapered that with the lexapro over only a two week period and then all the way to 150mg of Effexor in only 3 weeks. I was desperate and wanted the pain and suffering to just stop. I did consider suicide a lot during this period and I had never been like this before when taking medication. My beautiful partner kept me here with her love and grace. I stuck with the Effexor for 7 weeks and it was just hell, dizziness, insomnia and mini seizure type things were a daily occurrence. I was couch bound and I still had tinnitus screaming away every day. He wanted to up the dose more but by this stage I knew that my body was not accepting any of these meds, I even said to him I think I am having a reaction to these meds. His answer was always that they just make you feel worse before better and that we can keep upping the dose...... That was the last time I saw him, I went back to my GP and asked to try Zoloft in a last ditch attempt to gain some stability and sanity. She cross tapered me to Zoloft and it seemed to calm things down a tiny bit but I was still so, so sick. I made it up to 100mg and was on Zoloft for 3 months before massive amounts of diarrhoea hit me (colitis) plus I was still struggling with SI, tinnitus and now bad depression for the first time in my life. All the fun stuff that comes along with bad reactions to these meds. My Dr CT’d me off the Zoloft and started me on Remeron 30mg..... this one was ok for my sleep issues but made me irritable as hell and didn’t have any effect on the SI, depression and tinnitus. I lasted 6 weeks on it before breaking down again and seeing the Dr. She mentioned Paxil...... like I said, I was desperate and since it worked 10 years ago maybe it would pull me out of this living hell I was in. Since the first episode after WD in June of 2019 and the living hell my life has been, I started Paxil 20mg in April 2020..... this lasted all of 12 weeks and I CT’d the Paxil in July 2020 due to all the above still happening. I happened to come across the SA website in June this year After desperately searching for answers. I’ve read and learnt a lot from everyone and now understand what has happened to me the last 12 months. How I should have tapered waaayyyy slower, how I should have reinstated waaayyy slower and how screwed up our medical system and the makers of these drugs are. I have been med free for 9 weeks and even though I still have loud tinnitus, depression and a host of other Awful symptoms, I have improved more then any time I was on meds. I’m bloody scared of what’s ahead but I will NEVER touch another psych med again in my life. I assume reinstatement is beyond my body now after what it has endured. I hope to be able to vent a little here on my bad days and keep reading the encouraging stories of success whilst pushing on with my life and the healing process. Thanks for taking the time to read my book.... 😂 And thanks to the creators of such a great site.
  16. Hello, I a new to the site. I have been on SSRI antidepressants for going on 18 years. I was placed on them at around the age of 26 or 27 years old when my Mom passed with cancer. I have been on 30 mg Paxil ( Paroxetine ) now for several years and have been pretty stable until it recently appears to have quit working. I started to suffer from extreme panic attacks, excessive thoughts of worry, and other physical symptoms as well. These have been coming and going for no apparent reason. I seen my doctor yesterday and she thinks that the Paxil has quit working and also feels that this medication comes with a lot of side effects and would be a good idea to get completely off of the medication. She placed me on a schedule to start tapering off of the medication and she also prescribed me Buspirone if I start to feel like I need to try something else for the anxiety. She has worked with several patients when it comes to getting off of Paroxetine and advised that it is different for everyone, but I should be able to get completely off w/in a month. Then if I haven't started taking the Buspar I can evaluate if medication is even needed. I would love to be able to get completely off of antidepressants all together and get my life back. Just wondering what kind of side effects I can expect and also wondering if there is any advise out there to help out. I do have .25 mg of Xanex on hand in event that I have a panic attack, but I seldom ever take one. I almost wonder if the Paroxetine have started to make my anxiety worsen. I would love to get completely off of the medication and get my life back and just be me. I started my 1st taper yesterday from 30 to 25 and plan to stay there for at least a week.
  17. Been on 20 mg. of paxil for 20 years. Started due to depression during a difficult marriage that was heading toward divorce.Tried to get off it multiple times, too fast, and could not tolerate the withdrawal symptoms and went back on it. Doctor told me I likely would need it forever. Did not like that advice! In October 2018 I failed to refill my prescription soon enough and cut my pills in half to 10 mg. so they would last till I got the refill. I found I was ok on 10 mg so stayed there for 3 months. That same month I told my doctor that I was going off Paxil, and he said that was a good thing. He prescribed Zoloft if I felt I needed to get back on an AD, but I have never filled that prescription. Over a period of 6 months, Oct. 2018-May 2019, I continued to gradually taper off until completely discontinuing in mid-May 2019. I had no withdrawal symptoms during this period. I have been completely off Paxil, symptom-free, for 3 months. In early August 2019 I began to have recurring insomnia. I have struggled with some degree of insomnia most of my adult life, but this went on for multiple nights. In mid August I got slammed with depression for several days in addition to insomnia. The depression eased a bit, only to be replaced by anxiety. I took .25 mg. of Xanax for 5 nights to get some sleep. Would sleep soundly for 6+ hours with xanax, awaken, and feel the anxiety begin again. I know how addictive Xanax is and will not continue to take it. I have taken only melatonin for sleep the last 3 nights and have gotten very little sleep. Depression and anxiety have eased...just exhausted. I assumed after 3 months being off Paxil with no symptoms that I was home free. I DO NOT want to go back on Paxil. Is this a normal reaction after 3 months drug-free, and if so, any suggestions how to get thru it, particularly the insomnia? My doctor prescribed trazodone for sleep, but I have not taken it. I am hoping that since I have not had all the awful physical symptoms that many on this forum have described , hopefully I can get thru this without restarting Paxil.
  18. Benzo topic: pinkfairy-in-ad-withdrawal-possibly-zopiclone-and-now-benzo Hi everybody am new around here....right here goes!i need some advice an help.am a single mum to a nine year old with no family or support.in janurary I was taken off Paxil which I was taking at 40mg...I had no clue about tapering,they took me off in 4 weeks I was on it for 3 an half years.they then gave me diazepam to stop the with drawals...so now am also in the process of weaning off this at 10% a month.have now educated myself on this one!!am in a right state an I feel like am in a deep dark hole!have got real bad depression but they can't get another AD into me,probably because my CNS is in a mess....am I too late to reinstate Paxil?or would you guys keep on going.any help would be amazing!!am really struggling xx
  19. I'm wondering if anyone else has or had experienced worsing withdrawal symptoms when switching from Paxil CR and Liquid SOLELY to the Liquid Suspension? I have been tapering slowing Since January by the following: (1 Pill = 12.5 CR) Starting dose of 2 (12.5 CR'S) = 25 MG OF CR Jan 21st: 1 Pill + 10mg liquid (2 weeks) 2/4: 1 Pill + 9mg Lq (3 weeks) 2/25: 1 Pill + 8 mg lq (1 week) 3/4: 1 Pill + 6 mg lq (2 weeks) 3/18 1 Pill + 4 mg lq (2 weeks) 4/1 1 Pill + 3 mg lq (2 weeks) 4/14 1 Pill + 2 mg lq (2 weeks) 4/29 1Pill + 1 mg lq (16 days) 5/15 1 12.5 mg Pill ONLY (9 days) 5/24 12 mgs liquid (8 days) 6/1 11mg lq (12 days) 6/13 10 mg lq until today 7/10 I have a feeling that the liquid isnt nearly as....either effective or has as long a HALF LIFE as the company would have me believe. When I first started the taper I was taking the 1 pill and taking all the liquid at 9 pm at NIGHT. Within 16 hours of the night dose I was having bad symptoms until I took the next dose. This went on for a week. I then experimented by switching the timing of the liquid to the morning at 9 am. Withing 2 days the withdrawal syptoms had switched from the evening to the morning! What clearly was happening, was the liquid was NOT staying in my system anywhere near as long as the CR. After a week of suffering the withdrawl symptoms at the new time, my doctor suggested taking half the liquid dose every 12 hours, since it obviously had a SHORTER Half life than the CR Pill, since my syptoms corresponded to ALMOST EXACTLY 16 hours after the last Liquid dose. With 3 days of splitting the daily dose into every 12 hours the symptoms had mostly resolved. Everything was going ok (not perfect but much better than the horrible symptoms when only taking the liquid once daily) UNTIL I recently finally got below the level of the pill and am ONLY on the liquid. Since I switched to the liquid ONLY I have been taking it every 8 hours -or 3 times a day, but the worsening symptoms have returned. Not as bad as when I was only taking it every 12 hours, but worse when I still had the CR for the majority of the dose. I THINK THIS LIQUID IS CRAP. I've only dropped 2.5 mg's in almost 8 weeks and I'm having WORSE symptoms than when I was dropping a 1mg every 2 weeks no problem. (Again with the CR pill as most of my dose. ) Any ideas? I mean, the fact that I had horrible symptoms correspnding to 16 hours AFTER the liquid dose, regardless whether I was taking it at 9am or 9pm, tells me it has to have a much shorter half life than they are saying, expecially since once I started taking the liquid 5mg ever 12 hours instead of 10 all at once things cleared up within 48 hours. And now that all I have is the liquid, I'm worse even though I'm dropping at only half the speed of when I still had atleast 12.5 CR. And! I'm taking it EVERY 8 hours: 3 mg AM, 3 mg Afternoon, 4 MG Night. I notice the electrical shocks in my head close to the time I am scheduled for the next dose, as if it's only in my system about 6 hours at a time. Help![/size]
  20. Hi there 😀 I was on 150mg Zoloft for 8 months in 2017, then on 20mg Paxil for 6 months in 2018, then 60mg Buspirone for 6 months in 2018, and then back on 150mg Zoloft in 2019- all for PTSD. I came off of the Zoloft over the course of a month as recommended by my GP (way too fast I know now!) and had horrible withdrawals for a few months so my GP prescribed me Paxil for a month. I did not want to go back on Zoloft because it was making me so tired. I finished my month of Paxil in June 2020. I’ve had horrible hot flashes and chills since then. I’ve read the temperature dysregulation thread on here and am comforted in knowing this is a common withdrawal effect, especially since I was worried that I potentially had COVID. The thing that surprised me, however, is that I was extremely tired on Paxil and that 5 months after I discontinued it, I still am. With Zoloft, I wasn’t tired anymore a few days after going off it. With Zoloft, I was confused as to why I was so tired so I got bloodwork done and my hematocrit was low. I would get bloodwork done now except every time I do it makes my withdrawals much worse (has anyone else experienced this?). Has anyone had fatigue last this long post-SSRI discontinuation? If so, did it slowly go away? I am graduating as a veterinarian in June and do not see how I can practice feeling like this, which is very sad considering how hard I worked to get here. Thanks in advanced!
  21. Hi anything would help. i was prescribed Zoloft, prestiuq,rexulti, lamotragene,Paxil during a 14 month period all at separate times and tapered off in 8 days. Also experiencing black mold toxicity. I’ve been off meds for almost 3 months. And out of the apartment for a month. Very desperate. I’m experiencing derealazation , massive depression and anxiety. I have no idea where to start to address these things. Psychiatrist wants to put me on Prozac and and taper in 3-4 months. Symptoms from both are conditions are similar and again don’t know where to start.
  22. Hello! I’m so glad I found this site. I have been a part of the Facebook community for a while and finally decided that I need yalls expertise. I was put on paxil at 10 years old after seeing a friend almost pass away. I was diagnosed separation anxiety and had a really nervous stomach. The next 15 years were a lot of ups and downs, the Paxil seemed to always lose effectiveness after about 4 years, and I tried CT twice which obviously didn’t work. My dose never exceeded 12mg and I feel like as time went on the more my body rejected it. 5/2018 I had weaned down and I was on 4mg when I had my son. At this point I couldn’t drive, and was agoraphobic. The doctor put me back up to 8mg 11/2020 after having a bad panic attack. I noticed I started getting depressed around this time and 1/2020 things really hit the fan. I accidentally took 3ml instead of 4ml one night and that was it. The next day was a tail spin. I started feeling very panicky and depressed constantly. I was shaking, sobbing, suicidal thoughts, and felt completely numb. I went to my doctor the next day who tried to updose me to no avail. The symptoms got worse along with profuse sweating and shaking. He thought it could somehow be serotonin syndrome and wanted me to quit. We tried a taper to trintellix which didn’t help one bit. My last dose of paxil was 4/2020. I then was forced off the trintellix 5/2020 because my insurance refused to pay for it and my doctor didn’t check with them first. He wanted me to go on Zoloft but I said no. After 5 ER trips without help I wanted off this poison and decided to attempt to stick it out. I won’t torture you with what happened for the next 3 months but you can guess. I have two toddlers and I was bedridden from 1/2020 until 6/2020. My mother had to take leave at work to take care of me. I didn’t eat anything but shakes for a solid 2 months and vomited consistently. It was total hell. I even called and considered rehab centers because I literally fell apart. I had never had depression before this. 7/2020-8/2020 was a bit better. I could feel things improving. My hope came back and I had quite a few windows of WDnormal. However a week ago a huge wave has hit me again and I’m left feeling totally desperate. All those old miserable feelings have came back and I’m left grasping for anything to help. I feel totally scared to death to go back to a psychiatrist but I’m scared to death not to. My husband has been patient these last 9 months but he’s starting to lose faith as well I think and thinks I need to just exercise and drink water. 😩 I am seeing a naturopath who has said my hormones are totally screwed up and I have extremely high DHEA like pcos patients. My cortisol was low and my adrenals are toast. I’ve tried numerous supplements as well and typically have a Paradoxical reaction. At this point I’m barely sleeping, eating, or functioning. I have 2 toddlers to take care of and I feel like I’m totally failing them. Any advice would be great. I feel so utterly defeated.
  23. batty123

    batty123: recovery

    i was on paxil for 7yrs and in September 2018 dr cut me off in 3 weeks. I went thru a year in withdrawals. I reinstated in May 2019 and stopped cause I worried it made matters worse. Then in July I went back on it. Help from acupuncturist I tapered off in October. Did anybody encounter relapse of depression after weaned off completely? Anybody withdrawals lasts more than a year?
  24. Please move if not in the right forum - I was unable to post in tapering! I was placed on 20mg paxil last December after suffering a brain injury. The paxil did not help, but through neurofeedback am now back to 90ish%. In May (after 5 months of being on paxil), I began to taper off as follows: 15mg for 3 weeks - maybe a couple of nights of insomnia, but nothing notable 10 mg for 2 weeks - similar to above 5 mg 11 weeks - had flu like symptoms for a few weeks, which then re-appeared a few weeks later. After about 10 weeks, had a week of headaches and severe insomnia. Overall I was fine, but my most problematic symptom was severe brain fog when trying to study (currently in school) 0 mg for the past 10 days - pretty strong anxiety and depression, as well as insomnia - these are starting to clear up. Also had severe brain fog and flu like symptoms the first few days. I believe that I went from 15 to 5 too quickly, and am concerned that this issue of brain fog when studying will persist. My questions are: given the short amount of time I was on paxil, is it better to tough this out or to reinstate at 10mg and go slowly from there? My goal is to get rid of the brain fog issue. given that its been 12 weeks since I was 10 mg, is it too late to reinstate? I have read that reinstatement should occur quickly, but I am unsure if his means since your last time taking the drug at all, or since the last time you were at a given dose. I.e. because I have only been off for 10 days, can I still reinstate 10mg even though I was last at that dose 12 weeks ago? My main concern is causing a long term issue and want to be conservative. I have miraculously overcome two health issues that I thought would be lifelong, and I am not in a position for another problem to occur. Thank you for all of your help!
  25. Thank you everyone in advance . I’m am new here and come for some help. I was switched from 5mg paroxetine to 100mg generic Pristiq 5 days ago. Was on the paroxetine for almost 3 years. I’m having a very rough time with increased anxiety, tingling , inner shaking and bad panic attacks. My shrink says I should not be having withdrawal symptoms as I replaced the paroxetine for something better. I am not sure if it is withdrawal or the new medicine or a mixture and don’t know what to do if stick to the new med or go back to Paroxetine , anyone in a similar situation? Today is my 5th day on the new AD. Thank you !!!
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