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  1. I was told I needed to start an introduction post. I wanted to ask about Depakote anyway. I did a fast taper of paxil from 10 mg to 5 about 13 months ago. I am still having symptoms. My main problems are head pain around my ears, head pressure, ear pain and pressure. I have panic in my sleep. That was present before but it feels more pervasive now. I had tried a slow taper of paxil before the fast taper, starting at 25% which was too much, then 10%, then 2-3%. It wasn't great but was more manageable than this fast taper. This has been pure hell. I added amitryptiline out of pure desperation because I had so much head and ear pain. That was about 7 months ago. I was already taking 1/4 pill of depakote. My question is about the depakote. I want to avoid adding more meds if possible but the brain activity in my sleep has amped up. I feel more irritable kind of the way I used to feel on paxil which is telling me it's probably from the 2 antidepressant (possibly interacting). I am not ready to taper again because I'm still having symptoms and I know I will be much worse. So has anyone increased (or added) depakote a year after a taper to help? What happened? I need something to help my sleep and generally calm down. Thank you.
  2. I was on paxil for 18 years, my stupid doctor switched me to lexapro without weening the paxil (this happened more than a yer ago) My brain went into total dysfunction. I haven't been close to the same since. Since this time Ive went through a brutal ativan withdrawal and been on 10 different medications. I recently tried to get off paxil 10 mg and made it to 2 1/2 mg and then went into withdraw. I also was weening off abiIify during this time as well. I know now to soon and too fast. I am experiencing extreme fatigue, flu like symptoms, suicidal ideation constantly and some insomnia. Its horrific. I have since bumped my paxil back up to ten mg's about two and a half weeks ago but there is no improvement. As of right now I am also taking 300 mgs of wellbutrin which I've been taken for 6 months. I also take trazadone for sleep. Can someone give me some advice as to what the best path would be from here? I am pretty desperate.
  3. Hallo. I have been on Paxil for 20 years, 20 mg I went down to 10mg, then I switched to Prozac After 15 months tapering, I am down to 1 mg In my country there is no liquid for Prozac, but I can resolve them in water, just don’t know how to measure. I would appreciate a help with that. Thank you
  4. Admin note: link to benzo forum thread - Panicpax: Back on clonazepam Dear all i am happy im not alone, i have read many posts and see that at least in this world i am....not alone. 3rd attempt to taper 20mg paxil.... almost 2 years now and stuck at 3.6 using liquid paxil. my way was 0.2mg every week till now is great but as i reached 3.4 for a few days anxiety creeped , insomnia and waking up sweating and panic . my problem is even updosing 0.2mg which i did makes me feel a different worse.( agitation weird thoughts half the day. immediately updoased 3.5 and was back to normal only 2 days but still not enough so went to previous ( 10 days back 3.6 mg and hoping to stabalize here somewhere. then hold 2 weeks if im ok and then resume slower starting from this dose as i know SERT occupancy is telling my brain whops here is another drop ( had 1 same enstance at 9.2mg ) aggressive running, getting a cold or any fever makes me need to wait and gives WD symptoms. i have no physical WD just panic anxiety and insominia mild depression... usually only feeling down on day3 of a drop and first 2 days sleep is crappy. im interested in the cortisol thing i truley believe its the cause that WD symptoms i have ( awaking in panic and sweating and anxiety waves and windows) this past week trying to stabilise..... so...... vit C 1g and baby ASpirin at bedtime as the pubmed mentioned . an endocrinologist told me L-carnitine too. will start aspirin first and see it lowers in after a week of use ( 1.5mg per kilo so maybe 2 aspirins in 1 week if it didnt work. i get scared when i read some people have extreme trouble after 1mg .... if my experiment works ill still go slower and listen to my body but it feels like im crossing 2 building roofs on a thread holding a pole in my hands to balance.. cant go up or down right now without feeling it big time. any suggestions???
  5. Hello, I have been on Ssris for the past ten years, different doses and different meds. I started on lexapro 20 mg when I was 18 and get great for years. When I hit 22 I started lowering my meds due to side effects and simply being uncomfortable being on meds. I got down to about 10 mgs and stayed there for a while. 2 years ago I did a fast taper and got down to 5 mgs way too fast. I experienced withdrawal really bad without knowing what it was and thought I was relapsing on anxiety/depression. For a year I messed around trying to find the right med and trying to find the right combo. I now realize meds were a problem all along and all I want is to feel normal and be off of them. I also realize I’m going through withdrawal and have to be patient. Ok, time to backtrack. Eventually I decided to go on paxil about a year ago after trying a slew of other Ssris. The reason being that my dad takes it and I thought it would help me out. Bad idea. I quickly got up to 37.5 mg in only about 4 months bc it didn’t seem to be helping. After this, I decided meds weren’t the answer and started dropping my dose, not knowing the correct method or pace. My first drop was to 25 mg controlled release and it was horrific. I decided to wait for a while before making and other drops. About 5 months. Back in may of this year I dropped again to 20 mgs regular release. I’ve been experience protracted withdrawal for almost 4 months now from that drop. Things seem to gradually be improving, but I just hit another bad wave and am looking for advice/support. Also, I’ve been on different doses of Ssris for a long time. Since I was 18 and I’m 28 now. I’m thinking about jsut holding head until I feel good before tapering the correct way. I just don’t know how long I should wait, or when it’s time to start again. Any help is very much appreciated. Thanks!!
  6. Hello Everyone, Let me introduce myself. You can call me Sebas (38), i'm from Amsterdam. Hope my English is okay. I was diagnosed with anxiety issues around 2004 and then started using Seroxat, I believe it's called Paxil in the US. I'm aware by now of all the problems this medicine is causing. In other words, i've read a lot, and i mean A LOT about it. I can almost graduate about the subject After several attempts to stop, I found out in 2015 or 2016 about the 5-10% reduction rule. That helped me from 20 mg (10 ml) tot 12 mg (6 ml) in about 1,5 years (estimated). I'm using the fluid suspension and some squirts for accurate dosage. From 6 ml down to 5,8 took me 5 weeks to feel allright, then i stabilized for a week and went back down from 5,8 tot 5,6. All the usual withdrawal symptoms occur during tapering periods such as illness, nerve system problems, visual, fatigue, stomache cramps and also i'm countering eye circles. Since the last dosage (from 5,8 tot 5,6) i've been feeling bad for 9 weeks already. Especially my stomache and my energy. So i'm now wondering what to do, wait (and wait...), go back to 5,8, go back to 6,0 of try to switch to another AD. Cause this one is really @#$%&* mainly cause of the fast half-life period. I've read about a cross tapering method. I asked my doktor for a psychiatric consult about it. Or...could it be my body (and mind) is telling me this dose is beneath the minimum that i just need for my personal wellbeing. I'm familiair with magnesium, omega 3/fish oil and multi vitamin for support. I'm looking forward fto exchanging some knowledge. Bye Sebas
  7. I was on a medication for depression,anxiety, and panic attacks for 2-3 yrs than I went off the med , but 2 yrs later I relapsed, than I started to take 30mg paxil. - On Paxil 30mg for 15 yrs than I tapered it off around aug 2013 went down to 20mg for 3 month than 10mg for 2 month than 5mg for 2 month than 5mg every other day for 1 month than 5mg every two day for 1 month than 5mg every there day for 1 month than 5mg every four day for 1 month than 5mg every five day for 1 month than 5mg every six day for 1 month than 5mg every 7 day for 1 month than 5mg every 8 day for 1 month July 30 2014- Went on vacation- I took a 3 day bus ride, then a wk later, i took an 3 day bus back. On the way back all I was very anxious and had very negative thoughts. I had a panic attack on the bus so I took a 5mg of paxil. When i get back home, it didnt go away and havent slept in days. Anxiety, despression panic attacks got worse. Went to go see family doctor, now i am back on paxil 20mg daily. Aug 10, 2014 - 5mg (on bus) Aug 11, 2014 - 10mg (at home) aug 12, 2014 - 20mg (after seeing dr) so here I am taking 20mg of paxil again daily. I think I tapered down to fast, because i didn't know better. -This is the second time I try tapper off Tapper off 20mg for 11 months went down to 10mg right now. when I was on 11mg I was ok but I just start the 10 mg 10 days ago April 25, 2016 Right now I having anxiety attack and depression. what Should I do. go back up to 20mg or Stay on 10 mg. I am doing this on my own I don't have a doctor and should I go see a psychologist or a doctor better. If you have any suggestions or advice, please feel free to post. thx
  8. Here’s my story of the highs and lows, curses and blessings I’ve experienced since I started Paxil in 1999. I was born in Southern California in 1960 and lived there all my life. Looking back, I suffered from anxiety since my 20’s, but it was mostly episodic and triggered by major negative experiences. In 1999, my anxiety became constant due to work and family issues. I went to see my GP, who prescribed a daily dose of Paxil. At first, it helped me deal with daily life, but like many others, I gained weight and found myself unmotivated to exercise. I didn’t see a therapist nor seek any non-medication-based help. I continued to have anxious episodes but managed to handle them. In 2006, my father died, and I had to make the decision to take him off life support. It wasn’t a clear-cut decision and caused me a lot of anguish. I began a descent into constant anxiety exacerbated by feelings of impending doom, both in my personal health and my professional life. Every ache or pain became a sign of a deadly disease, and every mistake I made at work would get me fired. I began seeing a psychologist to help, but didn’t have much success until 2008, when I found one who could help me with my feelings of guilt over my father’s death, and used EMDR and CBT to help me identify the root of my anxiety and use behavioral tools to manage it. It was then I began to develop my approach to anxiety as a chronic, though manageable, condition. In 2006, I tried to quit Paxil since it didn’t help my anxiety. My doctor told me to taper, but didn’t offer many details, and I tried tapering much too quickly. In late 2006, I discovered the Paxilprogress website and got great advice and support on tapering. I began a very gradual taper in 2007, and was Paxil-free by 2009. It wasn’t easy and I had many setbacks, but paxilprogress’ members and my psychologist gave me a ton of support. My wife, a woman of great faith, reminded me I was meant for better things than to be lost to anxiety and depression--God had work for me to do. I continued seeing my therapist every other week up till this September, when my wife and I moved to Portugal to explore Europe for a few years. We have one son, who’s in graduate school in Michigan and starting his own career, so the time was right. Anxiety is still part of my life but it doesn’t control me or the decisions I make. I still take a low dose of Klonopin when things get too much, but no more than one or two a month. I use CBT and “reality checking” to keep my catastrophic thoughts in check. Looking back, even at its worst, my life with anxiety was good. I was able to function, and participate in our son’s life, even if I had to force myself sometimes. My advice to those just starting the journey: Don’t be too hard on yourself. Even with a slow taper, there were times I had to use a higher dose sometimes, until I was ready to take the next step. It’s not a race; do what works for you. Find a therapist or at least someone who can offer you support and keep you rooted in reality. Medication alone will never be the answer. Whether its CBT to other tools, find the behavioral practices that work for you. Accept the fact that anxiety is part of who you are. Whatever the cause, anxiety will be with me until the day I die. I’ve learned to manage it, and most days its just a dim feeling far in the back of my mind. What I now understand is that it only has the power I give it. It no longer controls my actions or decisions, and therapy has helped me separate irrational anxious thoughts from genuine concerns and problems. The short story is, like any other chronic condition, it takes the right tools, the right people, and determination to manage anxiety and reduce it to an inconvenience instead of a monster in my own mind.
  9. I'm wondering if anyone else has or had experienced worsing withdrawal symptoms when switching from Paxil CR and Liquid SOLELY to the Liquid Suspension? I have been tapering slowing Since January by the following: (1 Pill = 12.5 CR) Starting dose of 2 (12.5 CR'S) = 25 MG OF CR Jan 21st: 1 Pill + 10mg liquid (2 weeks) 2/4: 1 Pill + 9mg Lq (3 weeks) 2/25: 1 Pill + 8 mg lq (1 week) 3/4: 1 Pill + 6 mg lq (2 weeks) 3/18 1 Pill + 4 mg lq (2 weeks) 4/1 1 Pill + 3 mg lq (2 weeks) 4/14 1 Pill + 2 mg lq (2 weeks) 4/29 1Pill + 1 mg lq (16 days) 5/15 1 12.5 mg Pill ONLY (9 days) 5/24 12 mgs liquid (8 days) 6/1 11mg lq (12 days) 6/13 10 mg lq until today 7/10 I have a feeling that the liquid isnt nearly as....either effective or has as long a HALF LIFE as the company would have me believe. When I first started the taper I was taking the 1 pill and taking all the liquid at 9 pm at NIGHT. Within 16 hours of the night dose I was having bad symptoms until I took the next dose. This went on for a week. I then experimented by switching the timing of the liquid to the morning at 9 am. Withing 2 days the withdrawal syptoms had switched from the evening to the morning! What clearly was happening, was the liquid was NOT staying in my system anywhere near as long as the CR. After a week of suffering the withdrawl symptoms at the new time, my doctor suggested taking half the liquid dose every 12 hours, since it obviously had a SHORTER Half life than the CR Pill, since my syptoms corresponded to ALMOST EXACTLY 16 hours after the last Liquid dose. With 3 days of splitting the daily dose into every 12 hours the symptoms had mostly resolved. Everything was going ok (not perfect but much better than the horrible symptoms when only taking the liquid once daily) UNTIL I recently finally got below the level of the pill and am ONLY on the liquid. Since I switched to the liquid ONLY I have been taking it every 8 hours -or 3 times a day, but the worsening symptoms have returned. Not as bad as when I was only taking it every 12 hours, but worse when I still had the CR for the majority of the dose. I THINK THIS LIQUID IS CRAP. I've only dropped 2.5 mg's in almost 8 weeks and I'm having WORSE symptoms than when I was dropping a 1mg every 2 weeks no problem. (Again with the CR pill as most of my dose. ) Any ideas? I mean, the fact that I had horrible symptoms correspnding to 16 hours AFTER the liquid dose, regardless whether I was taking it at 9am or 9pm, tells me it has to have a much shorter half life than they are saying, expecially since once I started taking the liquid 5mg ever 12 hours instead of 10 all at once things cleared up within 48 hours. And now that all I have is the liquid, I'm worse even though I'm dropping at only half the speed of when I still had atleast 12.5 CR. And! I'm taking it EVERY 8 hours: 3 mg AM, 3 mg Afternoon, 4 MG Night. I notice the electrical shocks in my head close to the time I am scheduled for the next dose, as if it's only in my system about 6 hours at a time. Help![/size]
  10. It’s my first time posting so hello to everyone . I’m so glad I stumbled on this site I’ve been so scared not knowing what was going on with me . ill try and make this as short as I can . In August of 2018 I hit what I believe to be called poop out (reaching tolerance) from taking seroxat for 15 years straight . Anxiety started to creep into my days even though I was on 20mg and hadn’t had problems only minor in the past . A visit to the dr led to him increasing my dosage to 30mg. I didn’t feel happy about this and decreased back down within 3 weeks. I knew for me the answer was to taper off. In November 2018 i went to see a psychiatrist for advice on tapering as my dr hadn’t got a clue (too long to go into) . She said to drop 5mg see how I went for 4 weeks before dropping again . This seemed to go ok . In December 2018 she said to drop another 5mg again I felt ok. Don’t get my wrong I had lots of weird symptoms with some depression and anxiety but didn’t feel too bad I put this down to the 50mg of pregabalin she said I should take three times daily (prescribed in November ) . I take twice daily on the advice of my dr. In January she said to decrease by 2.5 mg which I have done. I am now taking 7.5mg daily . From reading things on this site I now know I am tapering tooooooo quickly and my body is now telling me this too as my symptoms are more pronounced and the depression is really setting in. I don’t know what to do for the best and was hoping for some advice here. Do I stay put and wait to get stable though I have read somewhere on this site that it can take up to 18 months to start to stabilise after poop out. Or do I increase tiny amounts until I feel able to cope better with the symptoms? I am still working every day . my thoughts before finding this site were that I needed to get off seroxat because it had started to make me feel so much worse and that by keep taking it I’m poisoning my body and it will never head towards homeostasis while I’m still taking it no matter what dose. I would be so grateful for any advice .
  11. I am here to help my 72 year old mother who suffers from severe anxiety and negative thoughts and vocalizations. Some have even diagnosed her to be hypochondriac. It all started in Feb 2018 when all of a sudden she started to get a panic attacks, she couldn't fall asleep. Because of lack of sleep she couldn't function properly in the morning and was very groggy. She had severe constipation which after year of investigation was due to the hernia blocking the rectum. On 7th June 2018 she was prescribed Paroxetene 12.5 mg (twice a day) and clonezepam (0.25 mg) for as and when needed. I can't say whether she took these regularly or not herself because i was not there with her at the time. The consultant psychiatrist told us that she is not feeling better because she is not taking these regularly as he could see how much prescription was being dispatched. After a lot of telling and making sure she takes these regularly she was able to get some sleep with clonazepam but also got hooked onto it. On the 6th April 2019 she had a hernia operation to clear the entry into the rectum and was told by the surgeon to not take these SSRI's before the surgery so naturally she was in a major state of panic. Since then she was taking the prescribed dosage of paroxtene regularly and clonezepam as and when needed. Then in Sept 2019, after realising the terrible side effects of these SSRI's i wanted to help wean it off. So i started gradually reducing the Paroxetene only once a day which was 12.5 gm and stopped clonozepam as she was able to sleep. In addition to this i was also giving her other herbal supplements (by Dr Christopher (mindTrac, Relax Eaze, Primrose oil, fish oil, multivitamins and LoveHemp CBD Oil (50mg)) From Oct 2019 until now she is not on any Paroxetene or clonezepam. She was doing and looking really well from Sept 2019 - Jan 2020 and then i started noticing some of her older symptoms returning back starting with complaining a lot about physical issues (hypochondria) like eye pain, blurry vision, headache and she was not able to sleep at night. Naturally i got very concerned and consulted a naturopath who advised to give valerian for sleep and CBD oil for anxiety,which i did however Valerian gave her nightmares and she would wake up in a state of anxiety from those nightmares so i stopped Valerian. All in all i would say she has been off the prescribed SSRI's for 3 months and so i am wondering is this is the withdrawal effect that she is facing now. I list her current condition below: 1. Not able to sleep at night for more than 2 hours (she wants to sleep but can not stay asleep) 2. She is so anxious that she can not sit in one place and walks around the house during the day and night and pretty much all day 3. She makes vocalisations, more like a hmmming sound all the time. 4. Morning's are particularly difficult as she wakes up with a lot of anxiety and wakes everyone up saying "My brain isnt working" "I do not know what will happen to me" "I can't see" etc 5. She doesn't feel hungry. She purposely resists eating 6. At time it feels she does exactly opposite of what I tell her to do for instance i will say let us go for a walk, her first response would be No. A lot of negativity 7. Although she is physically able, she is showing a lot of dependency on others specially me. She doesn't take showers or change her clothes until I push her to. Funnily enough the only time her vocalisations stop is when she watching a movie. I list below the medicines/supplements she is on at the moment. 1. Dr Ohhira’s probiotics 2. Naturelo’s whole food multivitamins 3. White Willow bark standardised as a herbal replacement to Aspirin (twice a day) 4. Dr Christopher’s Mind Trac (twice a day) 5. Dr Christopher’s RelaxEaze (twice a day) 6. Primrose Oil capsules (stopped it) 7. LoveHemp CBD oil (50 mg) 8. Homeopathic medicine of OAK 10M once a week, Ignatia 10M once a week, Carc/Horn/Ches-W/Thym G/Foll 10 M once a week and Amethyst LM1 3 drops daily Looking for some help and comfort here and genuine advice.What should she do? 1. Is this a withdrawal effect of the SSRI's ? 2. Should she re-initiate to the SSRI'S? 3. What should she do ? 4. How can she stop the vocalisations and get some good sleep? Thank you
  12. Moderator note: link to benzo forum thread - Miko789: Xanax withdrawal/tapering Hi, I'm new to the forum, I have some questions I want to ask. My doctor prescribed effexor for depression, in 2009. Now I'm free of symptoms and I managed to come off with withdrawal symptoms though. That's with the antidepressant. Now I'm on Risperdal consta from November 2013 and seroxat 10mg. My doctor prescribed with risperdal consta 3,3mg/day long acting injection every two weeks. From February 2015 he lowered the dosage to 25mg/every 2 weeks equals 1,66mg/day. I tried to lower the seroxat 10mg but after 40-45h I have withdrawal symptoms vertigo, dizziness. Is it possible to cut down seroxat? How about the Risperdal consta (long acting injection). Has anyone tapered off completely without withdrawals? I read about the 10% harm reduction procedure to taper off and I'm going to tell my doctor and follow. thanks in advance
  13. Hello. I used to occasionally post on Paxil Progress as WoodsWalker, back when I was having issues concerning poopout and always found the members understanding and helpful. Not much has changed since then unfortunately. I'm still on 10mg of Paroxetine, however, here is the strange part...3 1/2 years ago I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis, an autoimmune disease which attacks the large intestine. As horrible and debilitating as it was, my symptoms from the Paxil tolerance completely disappeared and I had 3 blissful years, feeling once again like a normal person. I was ecstatic, happy, and hopeful, that is, until this November when I started to feel those familiar symptoms. I thought this was behind me, but no, I guess life decided to throw me another curve ball. Not sure what I did to deserve so many medical issues, but its certainly not fair. Dealing with a chronic GI Disease on top of these tolerance withdrawals has been a rough experience. I don't really have any questions, as I'm familiar with most of what you guys recommend, but I guess I needed to get this off my chest and just wanted to say hello. Life is so busy, I'm terrified of a long, drawn out taper, so as for now, I'm simply eating healthy and trying to get in a good walk each day. Thanks for reading.
  14. LostInTheWoods

    LostInTheWoods: Healing

    Hi everyone, I’m Lost Woods from PP, changed to LostInTheWoods because it makes more sense, although for calling out names I guess you could abreviate LitW. A reintroduction may follow. I’m 30 years old and I’m male. Introverted and with a tendency to worry too much about things the average person may not find important. Although having little escoliosis and a deviated nasal septum since I can remember, overall I was doing fine in the health department, far from clinics and pharmacies. I had some minor dizziness periods about three years ago, but they faded. Two years ago is when everything started. A job crisis filled me with fear of both losing my job in a moment I couldn’t afford to stay unemployed. Naturally, I was anxious a lot of the time: however, the crisis passed, nothing bad happened but I could no longer shut down the anxiety in my body, even if I knew there was nothing to worry about. It started to bring somatic symptoms to the point I suspected I was physically ill. Made some blood tests and came out “disappointed” that there was nothing wrong with them even if I didn’t feel healthy. Sleep was getting shorter until one night I got only two hours and a panic attack. The rest of the story is well known: I got directed to a psychiatrist and he put me on 20 mg Paxil and Clonazepam for a short time. It got me to sleep better and I was calm enough to not worry about the initial side effects, which were minor and I was informed about them. My first attempt to leave clonazepam was a failure, but the second attempt was successful: I only lasted two months under benzos. After that period of stabilization, I got to experiment the dream: far less worrisome as before, active through all the day with the sensation of a clear mind and even getting more extroverted, might have been a little hypomania. However, it didn’t last forever and eventually I was descending into this state where you couldn’t care about anyone or anything, a state I know wasn’t good overall, and decided to withdraw. Detailed notes and history of taper are lost even to me. I went the way down from 20 mg down to 5 mg there were bad days when I couldn’t concentrate and could only stare at the screen like a zombie, days when anxiety could surge out of nowhere or days where sleep tooks hours to happen since the moment I was laying on bed, days where some odd pain in a part of the body it didn’t used to hurt appeard with no apparent explanation. However, I never wished to reinstate and after stabilizing and keep the tapering off. After a few weeks on 5 mg, cutting the pills became difficult and my daily dose of paroxetine was more irregular. To my dismay, absolutely no drugstore in my town sells liquid paroxetine! I got those weird looks from the employees as I were looking for some martian medicine. I got desperate, feeling no difference whether I took the paroxetine or not and CT from there, without wanting to look back. This was 6 months ago. I’ll leave details of these last months symptoms for another post where I’ll look for advice. Right now I feel old, with less vitality than before. Back in the day I thought that the aging process with be very gradual and slow, and that I could lead a ordinary life in the 30-40 decade with little decrease on mental and physical energy. Instead, I feel as if I had been cursed with a sudden aging spell that left me with little will to do plans with my life and move forward. I know I must do it but lacking the spirit to do it, it is hard to try. As others, I’m mad that drugs like the SSRIs exist, with little knowledge about how they work at the biological level and with the potential to screw the whole organism, feet to head, in ways no one can predict and leave everyone guessing, with some statistics thrown there to pretend there’s knowledge. But getting mad for the sole sake of it leads nowhere, and I’m completely oriented to getting personal and concrete courses of action. Hello everyone here and also previous PP posters. As I said there, forums like these have very good people and quality and I respect them a lot. Hopefully I can add something as well.
  15. Hello. I’m 33 years old woman. When I was 21 I was given Paxil 20 mg and has taken half a pill since then to atumn 2016. I think I tapered for a month or so, don’t remember exactly. And I was fine for a month or two. But then I started to feel so stressed out and shaky. And I never get stressed. In January 2017 I got a bad cold with very bad throat pain. And I had that pain for about half year. I was so psychology instabil I cried all the time and the next second I laughed hysterically. I thought I was going insane. And I was so agoraphobic. And had my first ever panic attach. I got kind of appendix inflammation where the appendix would swell up and have spasm from hell! I couldn’t walk because every time I took I step i would get a stabbing pain in my appendix. In the summer 2017 I understood what it was! I was going through Paxil withdrawal! So I thought I had to go back and take Paxil again. The pain in my appendix disappeared and I felt normal in my psyche again. And also my throat pain disappeared. But I also got symptoms back that I didn’t want to deal with, sexual disfunction, and other stuff. So I quit Paxil again. My weight went down to 44 kg and I am 166 cm... i was so incredibly depressed I wanted to kill myself. I couldn’t work and I layed in bed all day I thought I was going to die because of anxiety. i also got severe burning mouth. And bruxism. And I got bone growth in my palate and under my toung. My mouth hurted so bad. And still does from time to time. And so dry mouth. in New Years from 2017 to 2018 I woke up and had excruciating pain in my stomach. And had to eat something very fast to make it better. And ever since then I have to eat all day long, but my stomach hurts so bad either way. sometimes it burns in my stomach and in my chest. And I have to pee so bad all day long and also at night. I have pain in my bladder. and in my spine and lower back. But the main thing for me is the pain in both sides of my stomach. I think it is the colon? The stomach is sooo bubbly and noisy and the pain is so bad. I have diarrhea almost every day. And I get anxiety and panic when I would sleep because I have so much pain. I don’t know how much longer I can do this, I have had this pain and bloating now for 1 1/2 years. It looks like I swallowed a football or something and people have asked me if I’m pregnant. i can’t deal with this pain any more. The only thing that helps with the pain a little is hydroxyzine but I get bad heart palpitations from that. What should I do to get a normal digest system again? And don’t have to eat all day long and pee and have this pain? the pain is on both sides of the stomach far down.
  16. Hello everyone, I am a first time poster, long time Paxil user. I have been on Paxil for about 12 years or so, prescribed by my doctor to combat anxiety. My anxiety was never severe, I just fell down the slippery slope of Paxil use after what should have just been a bump in the emotional road for me. Long story short, I've decided to taper off of the Paxil 20mg (down from 40mg a couple years prior). This year my doc advised me to cut from 20mg to 10mg. (I know now, way too much and too fast). I had brain zaps, irritablilty, and vivid dreams (which I actually don't mind since they are usually pleasant) and some dizziness. After a few weeks I was feeling OK enough to go from 10mg to 5mg. I was good for about 3 weeks. But the next two weeks I suffered from severe anxiety - unlike any kind of despairing feeling I've ever had in my life! I suddenly became an emotional wreck and was just at wits end. So I went from 5mg Paxil back up to 10mg. A week or so later - hives. Hives, - small ones, on my neck or forearms. They'd go away after a couple hours so I didn't put too much worry into it. Then a week after these small hive appearances, I had a really bad outbreak of hives on my legs, which I thought was just a heat rash. I didn't take an anti-histamine, I hate the way they make me feel. Big mistake. I ended up waking up at 4 in the morning, itching terribly all over my body. I was searching for Benadryl downstairs when my wife found me - at which point I was getting dizzy and nauseous. I was going into anaphylactic shock. My wife and I both thought I was dying, my children sobbing as they waited by the front door for the ambulance to arrive. I've never had allergies really. I am allergic to cats, it turns out, but I've had my cat for 3 years (a Persian which I found to not feel allergic reactions to in the past- and who has since been living with my brother till this all gets ironed out). So this anaphylaxis was not something I was prepared for. An amulance ride later, they told me I had some kind of allergic reaction. A few weeks later, after seeing an allergist, he suspected my bizarre reaction to be caused by a medicine (not a food or other allergen). I only take Paxil, and Propecia. (which I've stopped last week to try to rule that out as a cause of the hives). I still get small areas of redness on my skin, primarily when I wake up in the AM. And for now I'm on antihistimines, which I dislike greatly. I am wondering if the traumatic, despair-like anxiety feelings I suffered, and then yo-yo-ing back to a higher dosage of Paxil did a number on my body and made me overly sensitive to histamines, or my cat. Since my allergist suspected Paxil as a possible cause of the hives/anaphylaxis, I have since tapered back down to 5mg, and three days ago down to 2.5mg. I suspect its not the actual Paxil causing the hives, but the withdrawal itself, the toll it takes on my body and mind. Just hoping putting my story out there, if anyone can relate to such a physical reaction like what I experienced, and if they too, think it is related to the Paxil withdrawl. Thanks for reading. Cheers
  17. Hi all - so so I tried to withdraw from 2.5 paxil while increasing my zoloft from 25 to 50. What a disaster! The 50 zoloft made me manic so I went back down to 25 but went off the 2.5 paxil in two weeks. Pure chaos ensued with crazy agitation and insomnia and practically convulsions! then I went down to 12.5 zoloft and after 5 days the crying began. Reinstated to 25 and feeling the reinstatement effects. Just wanted to connect with others!
  18. hi,all been on &off antidepressants for 20 yrs but never felt this crummy.since stopping Paroxetine have had flu-like symptoms ,then fatigue loss of appetite,taste changes,eye problems(excessive blinking actually started while on it,that's why I quit).depression,anxiety,just miserable,wondering if I should reinstate or just try & hang in there.I was on it about 6 mos.stopped May 4 after about 7 wk taper.thanks for any suggestions
  19. I wish I had discovered this forum before, I feel that it is now too late for me, I made so many mistakes out of desperation and not knowing what I was dealing with, I regret it, I don't know if my brain will return to normal after all this mess. It all started in 2010, I had just turned 17, and after years of bullying at school and depression I went to a psychiatrist who put me on 20 mg paxil, I felt good in the first two weeks, after I felt terrible, I became apathetic, without emotions, with anhedonia, without libido, depersonalized, I complained to the doctor but he said it would get better, so I supported it. after 6 months he added bupropion, he couldn't sleep, he felt panic all the time, he was going crazy, I changed the doctor, lowered paxil to 10 mg and added a benzo and amitriptyline, I felt good for a month, then everything went bad again he I removed amitriptyline and benzo and remained in paxil for another 6 months, and I felt terrible. my doctor removed the paxil in two weeks and said that I shouldn't take any more medication, hell was the withdrawal, but I endured it, I never felt the same again, anhedonia, emotional dullness, without libido, bad cognition. I noticed some small improvements over the next year, I did not know that I should have withdrawn slowly, I did not know that my brain could take years to heal. I was desperate for a cure, doctors and psychologists told me it was all psychological, after a year without medication, I took 1 month of mirtazapine, no improvement, and 1 month of trazodone, 1 month of tianeptine. Knowing what I know today I would say I had pssd, but at the time I didn't know. 2012 I managed to fall in love, but my brain still had all the symptoms of pssd, and sometimes I had erotic dreams, my cognition was better, but libido, anhedonia still very bad. 2013, sometimes I had mild moments of sexual excitement, I started drinking a lot for the next few years, I used MDD, one day and everything seemed to return to normal, except my libido, I used LSD once too, and I felt great except libido. 2014, I could watch TV, my anhedonia was better, cognition was better, sometimes I fell in love and sometimes I felt passion, but the sexual part was still very bad. 2015 and 2016 same thing as 2014 basically. 2017, I started to get desperate again, I wanted to recover my old self, I discovered the pssd forum, and I started testing drugs, I took pramipexole 0.375 mg, for a month, in the first two weeks it resolved my anhedonia but then it stopped working. I took inositol and did nothing. 2018, in January I went to an andrologist, gave me a cocktail of herbs and cialis and it didn't work. In April I took venvanse for a month, with no effect. In May I started St. John's wort, it seemed like it was healing me, everything was getting better, libido returned, genital anesthesia disappeared, so I went to a music festival, I wanted to enjoy it, (they gave me a drug pill, which I thought was mdma) , I started to feel very strange, (it was serotonergic syndrome, but I only discovered a lot afterwards), the next day my libido was very high, nymphomaniac, I had brain zaps, muscle spasms, I took the pill again, and I was very crazy, the next day I no longer had the benefits of the herb of san joao that was healing me and my pssd was worse, much more apathetic, without any libido, the serotonin syndrome got worse, I was confused, I had a seizure. I interrupted the herb, in the following 3 months, my pssd had worsened a lot, greater apathy, tinnitus and constant headache, the herb had more effect. In October 2018, I went to a clinic and took 1200mg of ibogaine, hoping to improve, it was a bad experience, despite feeling drugged for the next 3 months, but in the end I didn't get better. January 2019, I took 1800mg of servo de sao joao at night, I felt a heat in my brain that ran through my body, anhedonia and emotional dullness passed, the anesthesia in the penis disappeared, and I had a little libido, but it only lasted one one day, I tried other St. John's wort, but it never had that effect again. March 2019, for a moment I felt great libido and attraction to a person, even without taking any medication. July 2019, I tried parnate, it didn't help, October 2019 I started parnate, the first two weeks were wonderful, without anhedonia, better mood, although sexual function was not recovered, it lost the effect, except for a slightly better mood, I increased the dose up to 80mg in January, reduced it to 0 by a month, and stopped taking it. 2020, urologist prescribed, testosterone injectable every 10 days, improves erection, but did nothing for libido. Sorry, it was too long, but I tried to say everything, I think I should have given my brain time to heal on its own, as you recommend here, but I was desperate for a cure, and I was stuffed with medicines, and I interrupted the natural process, I think I messed things up a lot. mainly after the serotonin syndrome I lost almost all the little progress I made in years, I no longer have erotic dreams and I became more apathetic and I lost the 10% of libido that was still left, now I know I made a mistake, after 10 years ... my current symptoms are: no libido, apathy, emotional dullness, anhedonia, loss of penis sensitivity, and chronic tension headache. Can I still recover after all this mess?
  20. Hello. I'm "Trinity" from PaxilProgress, which shut down last year without my knowledge. I'll try not to go into a long-winded summary of my life, but.... Depression began to manifest itself during puberty; episodes became more dramatic the older I got. I began Paxil in 1998, during a depressive episode that had taken total control over my life. I started on 10mg and went to 20mg perhaps a week later. I changed into a new person almost immediately. I could be jovial and outgoing, but lost all sense of priority. I lost most sexual function within two weeks of starting the drug. I was reckless and exhibited very poor decision-making. I couldn't think clearly or quickly. I slept poorly. While I had enough energy for work, I could spend entire days and weekends sleeping. It was as if I were drunk most of the time. I had them before, and I continued to have ugly temper tantrums regularly, just like a two-year-old. Around 2006, I fed up with being tired and stupid, so I dropped from 20mg to 10mg. I suffered the “electrical shocks,” dizziness, and other typical withdrawals, but I got through them and achieved a greater presence of mind—though I was absolutely not myself. I still had temper tantrums at least monthly. The side-effects I described, above, improved, but did not disappear. Not at all. I planned the next withdrawal for summer vacation, when I would have less stress. In June of 2014, I went from 10mg to 5mg. The withdrawals wore the same face, but weren’t as strong as before. This was an awful time for me, as I had an abusive, hostile boss who clearly took delight in tormenting employees she didn't "like." I became exceedingly emotional. Once I got upset, I stayed upset for a long time, unable to bounce back from anything. I would obsess over setbacks, conversations, and my professional standing in the community. This obsessiveness caused me a lot of heartache. On the positive side, the temper tantrums largely stopped, and I didn’t feel tired all the time. I didn’t need to sleep or nap like before. I planned the next withdrawal for summer vacation, when I would have less stress. In June of 2015, I stopped taking Paroxetine altogether. I suffered very little in the way of physical side-effects, just a little something for a few days. My mind is gradually clearing, as if someone had taken a wet, heavy blanket off my brain. My perception and reasoning has improved by leaps and bounds. I experience a wider range of emotions. I cried while listening to a love song that reminded me of my wife, when I had not been able to cry in years. Though she continues trying, my boss isn’t able to upset me as easily as before. I don’t care about her the way I used to. I’m more able to recognize what she is doing and dismiss it. Things that would wound me so deeply before aren’t much more than noise, now. I am able to see my past from a new perspective, with renewed clarity. I apologized to people I had offended over the years with my clumsy, highly emotional and unreasonable behavior. I am far from happy-go-lucky, and I doubt I’ll never be just that. There is a darkness that calls to me. I think my mother had this, as well, and would busy herself like a madwoman, because that sort of behavior works very well to preoccupy the mind. I really need some productive obsessions right now! A lot of emotional improvement I’m enjoying could just be the effects of age—I’m not a kid, anymore. However, and without a doubt, the drug was confining my emotions to a certain range and limiting my ability to overcome adversity. I feel it heightened negative emotions and fears and robbed me of the emotional recovery normal people enjoy. My mind is free, which is at once liberating and terrifying. “What if?” That creeps into my brain more often than I would wish. I want a new job. Not so easy a thing to do, here in a cesspool of economic despair, but I want to make the world a better place, and I don’t think I can do that where I am, doing what I do now. A bucket of crabs comes to mind, and that’s not the sort of energy I want in my life right now. So, there we have it: A rambling summary of my nearly two decade dependency upon psychotropic medication. While it saw me through a particularly hurtful period in my life, the loss of cognitive, emotional, and sexual function for the following 17 years was NOT worth the price of admission. I clearly should have been doing something different, because people aren’t meant to live life in a stupor.
  21. Been on 20 mg. of paxil for 20 years. Started due to depression during a difficult marriage that was heading toward divorce.Tried to get off it multiple times, too fast, and could not tolerate the withdrawal symptoms and went back on it. Doctor told me I likely would need it forever. Did not like that advice! In October 2018 I failed to refill my prescription soon enough and cut my pills in half to 10 mg. so they would last till I got the refill. I found I was ok on 10 mg so stayed there for 3 months. That same month I told my doctor that I was going off Paxil, and he said that was a good thing. He prescribed Zoloft if I felt I needed to get back on an AD, but I have never filled that prescription. Over a period of 6 months, Oct. 2018-May 2019, I continued to gradually taper off until completely discontinuing in mid-May 2019. I had no withdrawal symptoms during this period. I have been completely off Paxil, symptom-free, for 3 months. In early August 2019 I began to have recurring insomnia. I have struggled with some degree of insomnia most of my adult life, but this went on for multiple nights. In mid August I got slammed with depression for several days in addition to insomnia. The depression eased a bit, only to be replaced by anxiety. I took .25 mg. of Xanax for 5 nights to get some sleep. Would sleep soundly for 6+ hours with xanax, awaken, and feel the anxiety begin again. I know how addictive Xanax is and will not continue to take it. I have taken only melatonin for sleep the last 3 nights and have gotten very little sleep. Depression and anxiety have eased...just exhausted. I assumed after 3 months being off Paxil with no symptoms that I was home free. I DO NOT want to go back on Paxil. Is this a normal reaction after 3 months drug-free, and if so, any suggestions how to get thru it, particularly the insomnia? My doctor prescribed trazodone for sleep, but I have not taken it. I am hoping that since I have not had all the awful physical symptoms that many on this forum have described , hopefully I can get thru this without restarting Paxil.
  22. Hello people! Long story short I was on Paxil from 2003 until 2010. I had panic attacks and anxiety disorders that's why I was prescribed with this drug. My symptoms was very severe I was almost bedridden due my anxiety. In 2009 I tappered down my Paxil 20 mg my tappering continued 1 year and somewhere in 2010 summer I finished. I felt good during my tappering got not so much WD symptoms. And now in 2020 last month I have my anxiety back I got one panic attack. My GP told me that anxiety always can come back. But I did some research about delayed WD. And now I am scary. Can it be WD symptoms after 10 years? I those years I felt good nothing extraordinary. My GP suggesting me therapist and psychologist and she hopes it will help me. Sorry for my English I am not native speaker.
  23. Greetings I am a 49 year old male. I was prescribed Paxil 20mg 15 years ago. I was having panic attacks and originally prescribed Zoloft. I reacted badly to that med and immediately took my self off of it. Wasnt on it more than 3 days. Still suffering from gripping anxiety my PCP suggested I try another med in this class as everyone reacts differently to them. Initially I resisted but wanted relief. So I relented and took the sample starter pack of Paxil. Within 2 weeks I was feeling better. There was no question it had an affect. I had mild sexual side effects mainly muted orgasms. In the big picture it was a small price to pay for not living in constant fight or flight mode. I have tried numerous times to get off of this drug. Always failing. Being told that my symptoms where a return of what led me to go on the medication to begin with. I could get down to 10 mg but never any lower before experiencing significant discomfort. I would go into crises and return to my original dosage. I saw a psychiatrist and he prescribed prozac to substitute for the longer half life. That was a huge mistake. This summer I began a new quest feeling more determined than ever to rid myself of this poison. I got down to 10 mg and stayed there for months. I was stable. Using a pill cutter I got down to 5 mg and felt relatively stable. I convinced my PCP to prescribe Paxil in liquid form. This suspension was 10 mg per 5 ml. I started taking 2.5ml/ equivalent of 5 mg. I seemed ok. So I went down to 2 ml and seemed ok. Very little side effects. I was feeling strong so I did the very stupid thing and accelerated my taper. I went down to 1.5 ml. then 2 weeks later went down to 1.2 ml. All hell broke loose. Panic attacks. Flu symptoms. Anxiety. Crying. Anger. pain. Hypochondria. I researched supplements and tried Omega 3's, B Complex, vitamin D. researched tryptophan and 5-HTP but thought better than to try this. It seemingly came in waves. Everytime I hit a window I thought it was over and I was stabalizing just to hit an intense wave again. mornings seem better with waves in the afternoon. Im afraid I damaged my nervous system. Im struggling with what I should do next. I have become fearful I will always have these symptoms. Not sure if I should up my dose or stand pat and give myself more time to stabilize. I recently have had windows where I feel fantastic. Like my old self. Only to hit an intense wave of misery. Its brutal. I do not trust doctors. They are clueless. I have been told to skip doses etc....its unreal the disservice so many people have suffered at the hands of this poison. "Its not addictive" you might feel uncomfortable for a week or two. My god I want to shove this down their throats and let them feel it. Should I up my dose? Stand pat and stabilize? I have been on 1.2 ml for 4 weeks and still feeling symptoms. Maybe just a slight bit of improvement. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
  24. I want to share my heart out,I want to share my life. I lived 31 yrs of life. the life of sadness,hurt,betrayal,getting used,unrequited love, Dream which gets shattered,Health which got lost,Financed which ruined,Engagement which break twice,Got fired from the job which I love.hope which I got lost in all these but just little remains… May be I am not a very strong guy, or below things are very little for other people but for me it really shattered me with the brain I have.I want to write here because of two reasons:- Please bear with my bad English. To get words of support. Others may learn something from this. Birth(Dec 1987):- Bully(15yrs) I was a silent kid,deeply introverted.afraid to go out and dominate the world.Never in my life I had more than 2 or 3 friends.Never associated with any groups anywhere.Because of my silent nature and understanding of the world differently relatives and neighbors thinks that I am not of sound mind and they normally called me “sirri” (a word which describe a person as stupid with no mind”).Even my family used to call me the same, this has impacted my childish mind deeply and my confidence sank to earth every time someone called me that.though I was good in studies but not very vocal and someone who bully others just because other one is not dominatable nature. I hate these types of person even up until now.and I also choose very very carefully to whom I can open. these things keep going on till I turn around 15 or in 10th standard. and that was really a sad time.but I forgot and moved on. My teenage love(8 yrs) Its starts in early stages when hormones change occurs. My first Love.real,pure,deep,full of emotions.absolutely overwhelming.till date I have not forget those days. she was in my class sat next to my desk. I fall in love or whatever you will say infatuation. she belongs to other community. I knew marriage is not possible. I never tried to approach or propose.I knew even if I propose she will not accept.I was not handsome or a topper or may be I was insecure.I loved her deeply . Did many things those times of school like pick some flowers on my way to school and put it in her desk,looking at her whole time during school,wrote a diary, wrote some poetry also for her.cried every other day at home that I will not have her in my life.I also did those stupid thing of writing the name of your beloved from blood in your diary.lol. one incident I remember one day our teacher asked us to perform some activities, every student performed something like dance or cracked a joke. when my turn came I sang a song ”yai zamin ruk jaaye aasma jhuk jaaye tera chahra jab nazar aaye” by looking in to her eyes directly without any fear , in front of whole class and also a teacher.there are many many memories of such type.I never had a problem because I never insist her for anything. everybody knows that I loved her so much whenever anyone asked me I accepts wholeheartedly yes. she knows it. the way she looked towards me I still remember. I remember the day of parting also . it was day of 10th class last day when I got the news that she will about to leave school permanently,I become extremely sad and I know anyhow I have to bear this pain of loosing someone so close and to look at her become a daily oxygen to me. I was in deep pain. that day I thought to tell her my feelings by my own. she used to go to home through same bus stand from which I go.every day. that day I waited at stand for about 3 hrs because she was enjoying with her friends, I was desperate that today I ll tell her my feelings as after this day I will never see her. I saw her coming. she saw me from a distance and she sensed also about things. I come directly in front of her and said that I wanted to say something to you which you already know all these years.she asked me to say it.I uttered those three words.she listened and asked me if anything more I wanted to say I replied No.she left in a bus. I stayed there dont know how much longer, felt like dead. then came back home.and cried hell.my sisters consoled me so much. I couldnt did anything. so I tried to save this as a sweet memory in my heart.later when I went in college then I got toknow that she took admission in Dental school, I got her number some how and from my college far away from home I called her at every festival of her and her birthday continiously 4 yrs . then she become dentist and I got the news that she is getting married.to one of my other class mate. I became habitual about this. acceptance was there.those were the days of orkut, I dont know how many of you young guys know about orkut. its like first social media site in India those days. later I saw her some times on facebook and now she is living happily with her husband and a daughter. I left her there and locked her there in my heart to never open it up.and got busy in another things. Science and engineering(3yrs) Once I passed 10th and she left me then I have so much anger and resentment that I put all these on studies.I was a below average student got just 60% in 10th and ours was a govt school, that time I cant write or speak a single sentence in English.but somehow as all good students left the school so I got the admission in science section in 2004, there were 34 students, I studied very hard and came first that year only 8 students passed. in the next year also I did so much hard work and came first in my Class Editori was not that I got very good marks but the resources and kind of teachers I have in my govt school I did my best and came first in 12th also with 70% marks. I was so much fearful of science but my mother who was always there for me encouraged me that I can do it so I did passed it.in those 2 years i knew nothing about anything except studies I used to have one FM radio in my room some songs I hear every day like “love guru on radio city 91.1” if any of you remember.then after 12th was another struggle for career.Didnt know what to choose for further studies.I wanted to go to army.gave NDA also didnt passed.a friend came and suggest me to do coaching for engineering.I liked the idea it was the year 2006. I joined a reputed coaching in Delhi.studied day and night to pass the entrance.sometimes I got so much confident that I will do it sometimes i got frustrated.it was too much of studies for an avg student.year gone hopes begin. gave all engineering entrance examintation of delhi state and national level. like aieee and iit’s results came , didnt get selected in any one of them , got so much disheartened. you can understand how bad I was I got rank 131000 in AIEEE and for IIT I failed, DCE got 8000 rank.so no admission in any of these college. I gave uptu exam also and there I got 32953 rank and i got a change for counselling.Unfortunately there I made a blunder and even I was getting so many college in NCR Delhi region I put some college in sitapur in UP as my second choice because i foolishly thought that that were a govt college.and here begins a 4 year trauma of living in almost hell. Hostel life living away from parents If you read this far you must have understood what kind of a guy I am, so living away from parents and from New Delhi to a town of UP and college hosted in jungle and mostly the kind of people I interacted there.it was really not good. I was very much dishearted but being from a middle class family with so much of a hope from parents that my son will one day earn well and take us away from this life of hardship.I continued the battle and didnt drop out even if I wanted badly.there was not a single day in these 4 yrs when I didnt talked to my mother back home at every evening, I dont know how many times I cried that Its very very difficult to live without you guys.(tears just come to my eyes by just remembering those bad days.)Thank god he gave me one friend and a room partner with whom I was able to pass that worst time. I marked 8 lines in my diary and after every semester I crossed those one mark to able to see how much of it left to go back home. that was the best day when I was coming back last time and my family was very happy that there son became an Engineer, one more thing we with my friend decided that we will not have any affair or relationship and will directly marry. so no girlfriend type of a thing there also.Few attractions were there but I killed them and not regretting about that. Fear of studies and homesickness,Masturbation and Pornography,Falling into depression(11 yrs) This hit me bad when I was in 2nd year of age of 22yrs. I got very afraid that I cant continue in this engineering thing as this is very tough and even If I pass the exams still I will not able to do the real engineering job as this required so much brain I keep telling this to my parents and my father keep encouraged me that initially things looks tough but slowly it will get better.so I decided that whatever happen I will definately achieve this degree.I had so much pressure of homesickness(its that much you can understand that after coming back home in 2011 I have not left my hometown Delhi ), Pornography was there in college its normal thing even now I know.and I was not into these things that much. but I got addicted to masturbation like once in a week and pornography also. and I certainly believe that this masturbation and porn habit though it was not that much as with other people. it give me one of the deadliest disease which i cant even explain to you, whoever young among you is reading this I am warning you and pleading you, please leave these two devils completely out of your life else it will ruin you.this thing weakens my brain in 3rd semester i have got started rigorous hairfall,weakness of body and mind, but that time i was not able to understand because I got my body strength back in 2 days. for my mind it was normal but in reality this habit of masturbation causing deep harm to my body. which i was not able to control despite all my efforts.so in 2008 when I came back to delhi i got hit by mental illness there were symptoms severe headache, confusion,lost focus, memory issue, unable to take decisions and many more. this goes heightened also because i stuck in one more thing which is killing me, what is the true path of life,why so many religions and God and I wanted to know the truth I studied various religious scriptures also and I got so much feared that I cant die without knowing the truth.and I cant follow my parents religion without knowing for sure that it is correct or not.unfortunately I had to to a psychiatrist and here begins a trauma which is still going on they gave me that magic pill. a medications which can sort my mind out. I ,a young lad, trusted the doctors that yeah they are right in whatever they prescribe and in last 2 years of my studies this doctor gave me 7 different kind of antidepressents which numbed me actually. when I came back from college then I went to govt hospital in Delhi to a psychiatrist and he there stops all the medication and said that all this was not necessary and I was misdiagnosed, there I started with a small medication of just 10mg trusted this doctor and no doubt it helped me so much but over the years when i was stable in about 2014 i wanted to stop but my parents does not want me to stop and even my doctor. and I knew that this medication slowly killing me frm inside those who never use antidepressents can never understand what I am saying, just think that this tablet create a numbing effect on you or take away all your real emotions it makes you a zombie. and give you heightened emotions sometimes when not required also it hurt me so badly I cant even explain you some incident :- in one of my early interview I was crying sitting on footpath with fear that how will i be able to live this hard life.how will people earn.when I enter the room interviewer gave me a glass of water and ask me to come back after a month and dont panic. I was in so mch pressure of getting a job after my degree and it was tough. I got selected in one IT recruitment company and on third day i got so much un restless and fearful without any reason that i left my desk went to manager cabin locked my self inside and lie down on floor and slept and after 2 hrs manager open the door from different key and from next day they didnt picked me up for a job. Crying in washrooms is extremely common whenever my boss scold me or anybody hurts me.up until now.i never told anybody in my office that i am suffering from some brain disease else they will fire me I know. many more incident like this in my life. Searching for job after passing from tier 3 college and work till now(since 2011) this is a common story of many many guys of my type. Funny thing was that I didnt knew how to search a job and what a job is all about and how to plan a career , I knew nothing, first six month after completing a degree I left everything and just rested because I got exhausted and most probably this was a blunder. I was started searching a job and joined one of my friend in his company as Recruiter. after six month i got introduced by one of my relative of govt job and I shifted my focus in govt job preparation because the relative made a pressure on me to have a govt job cos he selected me for his girl.this i wll tell in next section in detail.then I joined a part time job in a call center because i was in another trauma as my first engagement broke and I didnt knew what to do ahead as one year already passed. so I worked there 14 months in just 4k rs pm. then I left to work in noida and good company call center and got ok amount 17500 pm worked there also 14 months till 2015 and then I was totally unsured what to do now, so I was getting promoted to quality manager there but after a degree that is not what I wanted to do so i decided that I will do a job in software anyhow.and after that I will decide further.so I left that job also and join another company in 20k pm worked there 6 months gathered all money then left and join one training institute in Noida and get my self trained there for 6 months and then gave interviews in IT companies as a fresher i had a 6 years gap. i got rejected by 11 companies and 12 one selected me. there I worked 2+ years. they have exploited me to the core and I was so much naive that I didnt understand that.I was a java guy and they asked me to learn .net so it was a do or die for me they gave only 3000 pm for training for first 4 months. i had my savings i never mind I wanted to learn . but i think now I stuck in wrong company . they trained me in .net then gave me a project of devops . i introduced devops by learning all by myself from internet whatever I can.created automatic infrastructure the best way I can alone. then they asked me to learn android then angular then big data omg it was overwhelming.I made one app backend its still live on playstore. and maintain many other . despite having my depression and other problems taking tool on my mental health. from last year oct 2018 many incident happened back to back that i asked my manager and ceo to give me off for a month they denied then i told them about my depression and they asked me to leave saying i am not able to work.they indireclty fired me in feb 2019. since then Its been 8 months i am at home. Engagement and breakup This was really tough when I came back in 2011 from college I went to one of my relative who is asst engg. in Delhi govt for guidance and help and he chose me for his daughter . I was on cloud nine . very happy . new graduate , got engaged to a beautiful girl , she is a lawyer. we fall in love. or I am wrong actually I fall in love. girls dont fall in love may be its very easy for them to move on . we got engaged for one year and as I told you earlier her father wish me to live as he asked me , he keeps me lecture every time.i got frustrated. I got a bit religious and the girl said to her father that he cant live with a religious type boy, I told her that now we are engaged dont do this , you will live the way you want to. but she got adamant and her father also.and said I become conservative and girls wants a handsome boys. i was just become simple nothing else. like simplest dresses , she doesnt like the way I dress. she asked me to change this or she will not live with me , I told her father that your daughter cant be happy with me why are you doing this to her. please stop. they dont want to stop but they want to change me , few things she said to me after a year of engagement which i still remember that , I ll have a dark future with you, why you come to my father for a job, I cant live the life of restrictions until this time I got so attached to her but I cant compromise on the way of life i am living.so I have to leave her . it was a big thing for all family and mostly on me because i was alone in this decision and my family is not in my support that time. they used to say “shadi karlo baad me jese marzi rahna who will say anything.” this breakup also shattered me , I have to move on I started a job in a call center parttime. Life in a call centre(2.5yrs) I think every graduate should work in call center for six month and not more than that. what I will write here about that it was also working hell.lol.every minute is counting 3 comapnies of call center I worked all same.they count every minute you go to washroom, toilet, outside, and thats also every day. its like work is not more on some day or less on some day. it s that work is there always.and its simply sucks.its only for high energy young people , it enhances your communication and stress management,more then six month is not good. Leaving the job and preparing for it after 6 years This was a big decision as I told you. I took it and succeeded. after a gap of six years and working hell of call center I think that now is the time that I have to move on to my job. and I took the chance. I started learning programing from for loop and learned 6 months all basic and algorithms, linked list and what not. Getting my first IT job as a associate software engineer(2+yrs) That was one of the happiest day of my life that I deserve my degree to some extent at least as out of 8 candidates that day I was the only one that was able to solve the programming problem and get selected.such a happy day it was. Rigorous learning again(2yrs) for 2 years I learned so much things, .net upto mvc. front end, devops, some big data,api, etc etc etc.. Emotional affair with married woman and heartbreak This I cant tell you what it did to me .its long story if you want to read I asked the question related to same on quora last year, that time idint knew that much worst ahead read link https://justpaste.it/41enq she broke me 70% almost. but good thing was I knew I am wrong in that just this one thing gives me strength to come out of this. Getting fired from my job This is what I was not able to bear and I informed to my bosses that I need a break and they gave me permanent break…..lol. Emotional affairs within girl other caste and fight with parents. another blow omg that time I was desperate for marriage so that I can free from this emotional and physical requirement. I got a contact from a girl from a matrimonial site and we talked around one month and she have all what I wanted , education looks religiousness. we met , we liked each othe and I though now things will get settled and I told her that I will not take anything in dowry and I jst want marriage asap , initially she was hesitant to disclose this in front to her parents before the assurance from my side. and I was 100% sure from my parents side that they will not deny at all. because of whatever happened with me . so I told her . and then I informed my parents but surprisingly my father denied completely and said that go and marry, but leave my house as the girl from other caste , i requeste them so much that after this much long i liked some girl whom i can marry and she knows everything about me , please let me do so. all my family member that time got hold of fake izzat. any how I agree my mother to atleast see the girl they went with me there home and as I know they rejected as our community wont accpet them. so I was very very disheartened but I kept my patience and trust on God that things will get better.It unable to start , i felt so much guilty , the girl cried for 3 days . I asked forgiveness said i can t go against my parents wishes. Second engagement and breakup From there they take me to there relatives who have many daughters to choose from someone and I chose one because I wanted to marry asap. they liked me then again we talked and my sister also to a girl . everyting going fine . the girl side very mch interested for this relationship they want to fix the engagement asap. the day before they are coming to fix this . I dnt want it to be fix on some lie. i called a girl and informed her about my health issue and career issue. they came and got reluctant and without fixing anything went back then after second day they asked us to come to fix things , I was again on cloud nine hundred nine that finally everything fixed. I told them that I have good experience and no problem of a job , i will have a job soon . and for my health I will try to stop the medications. but one thing happened in informing all these to them that I lost my value.and they now are taking me for granted. aisa behave tha jese ahsaan kar rahe hain…we all went there house for engagment , I bought a diamond ring for her , clothes for her of my choice. with my relatives we went there. its not in my mind but my relatives dont like there hosting and made a drama. there come too many things for next 2 days and finally they cancelled the engagement , I asked them to atleast once let me talk to her. what happened.but they didnt allow. I got bedridden for a month. Lost all hope and will to live in all these days my medications jumps from 10mg to 225mg. and it has its side effects also. after last incident I lost all my wish to live at all. I prayed god to please take me away from this world.Because I will never do suicide . its against my religion and believes. but inside me nothing left. this happened in june 2019 and I am able to do lil works in oct and writing now. i decided to left my medications also whatsoever. I will not live a live on medications.If i will live , It will be my own. though I dnt want to live at all this kind of life.I have lost my health career relationship. from last 6 months i dont have any money . my parents giving me just for survival. 1000 pm I am surviving. locked up in my room, left my medications to 66% just 75mg remains. it hurt my body very badly. when I woke up in morning there is a swelling too much of my face every day. i cant focus to do simple work on computer continiously for 3 hrs. but death has not yet occured. so i think still something remains on earth. i am trying to recover. and hoping that good days may come. I have not achieved what I dreamed of. I want to live on the lap of God. The most hurtful thing is my brain condition which is not able to handle simple stresses like above many people may handle above things easily. but its really tough for me now very much . I really dont know what is the life of happiness. though I am fortunate to have able parents who even can support me now.but from inside nothing left. now I am really afraid to continue in engineering because i fear more pressure on brain will do harm to my brain . and rest I dont know what to do. Recovering and never give up I also wanted to live a happy life like many others.I will not suicide. but I dont know until when I can able to handle these pressures.Because now my body and mind is not giving me enough support to fight these pressures.I know people have more hardships then me but its not comparable with anyone to anyone. Positive things in my life:- God Almighty My parents, super supportive, and very patient I love them Hope Good home with all basic facilities My lovely nieces and nephews I am proud that I achieved many things which I decided, like I didn't achieved many. Few good friends. Aur bhi bht hoga jo mujhe abhi yaad nahi aa rha. Thank you God Bless you all.
  25. Hi all, I have been struggling off and on over the last 14 years with what I thought was anxiety the whole time, but am now realizing it was more likely withdrawal from stopping antidepressants too quickly. The first SSRI I was put on was Paxil. I tapered off after 7 months because I never really liked the idea of being on an antidepressant. I started having anxiety a few months later and was switched to 50 mg of Zoloft. I tried multiple times over the next 13 or so years to stop Zoloft, but the anxiety always returned, so back on I would go. In the fall of 2015 I had a return of anxiety after reducing the Zoloft to 25mg and tried to go back to 50, but it wasn't helping, so ended up going to 150mg before I felt relief. I again tried tapering last summer and got down to 25mg and experienced increased anxiety as well as insomnia. My doctor switched me to Lexapro last October, but it only made me more anxious, so after 10 weeks he switched me to Paxil. I got up to 20mg of Paxil for 3 weeks and wasn't feeling any better, so finally decided I had enough and wanted off the antidepressants. I started tapering at the end of January down to 15mg for 2 weeks, then 10 for 2 weeks, then to 7.5, and after about a week and a half at 7.5 started feeling really anxious again. I found this site and decided to go back up to 10mg of Paxil and stabilized for about 2 weeks and then started tapering 10%. Was doing pretty well for a couple of weeks at 9mg and then started feeling a little anxiety creep in. I talked to my doctor about switching to Prozac to make the tapering hopefully easier, so a week ago this Friday I started taking 4.5 mg each of Paxil and Prozac. I have experienced some ups and downs with anxiety since then, and am having a particularly difficult time right now. Feeling quite anxious and can't sleep. I took .5mg lorazepam tablet and am feeling a bit better, but not sure what to do now. I was going to switch to just 9mg of the Prozac and eliminate the Paxil tomorrow, but not sure if I should continue with the half and half mixture I have been doing or maybe even just go back to the Paxil alone? This just sucks so bad. I know I have probably screwed up my system so much with all of these changes and can only pray the damage is reversible. I was feeling pretty good earlier today, but then started feeling terrible as the evening went on. Haven't felt this bad in a while. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
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