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  1. NOTE: This topic has been merged with a very similar one posted in the Tapering discussion, so there is some duplication of post subject matter. ~Jemima Hello everyone, I am currently tapering off of Zoloft, 25mgs, after a very short time of taking it [7 weeks] due to the fact that I do not like the emotional numbing it causes. I love to feel a range and depth of emotions. My taper plan is half a pill for 2 weeks, than a quarter of a pill for another two weeks, and then completely stopping. I don't really have a pill cutter to taper more slowly, although I have considered slowing the taper. My withdrawal so far has included emotional breakdowns [can not stop crying due to the thought of being emotionally numb forever], and increased anxiety, which I am on Ativan for. I hope that I am not emotionally numb forever...I'm scared of never being able to feel again. I start crying because I fear that all of my senses will be reduced forever and I will live in a world without color. I am going to begin day 6 of the taper today...currently at half a pill or about 11.5 mgs...wish me luck.. theelt712
  2. Hi all, I'm at a complete loss regarding my situation so I'll start from the beginning. During the summer of 2016 around july I began taking Sertraline 20mg for what I would now describe as mild anxiety, when struggling with initial sides of increased anxiety and sudden insomnia my doctor prescribed me flupentixol which I then took with the sertraline for around 3 months and then went cold turkey on due to severe drowsiness. I continued the sertraline for around 9 months before going cold turkey. I'm so confused regarding my situation because in order to cope with the insomnia I also smoked weed every night whilst taking it to help me sleep which seemed to work wonders. Even after dropping the sertraline I continued smoking weed in order to help me sleep. I had actually never smoked weed prior to this insomnia (I was 26 BTW) and it was a friend's suggestion. Anyway I attempted to quit smoking several times last year after dropping the ssri but noticed an extreme feeling of anxiety at all times whenever I did and and inability to sleep until early hours of the morning. This pattern went on until early this year where I smoked once again before bed internally praying that I would be able to stop somehow. That night and for the next month I suffered the most extreme anxiety attacks I never thought possible, which definitly helped me to cut the weed permanantly. The strange thing is, ever since then I have experienced various symptoms associated with withdrawal which are, Extreme rage/anxiety/depression constantly alternating. Headaches sometimes unbearable migraines. Horrendous restlessness which after reading some accounts on this site I think is akathisia. Burning and aching throughout my body. Extreme hatred towards family and friends which comes and goes. Blurred vison Awful digestive problems (burping nonstop everyday, diarrhea and constipation and bleeding. Bloating Brain fog feels as though someone has hold of my brain smothering it. Vibrating in my ears. Sometimes I spend the entire day crying uncontrollably with anguish twisting my hands and feet with worry and anxiety. Muscles twitching all day and almost zero appetite. I guess my question is, Can withdrawal sometimes take a year to fully manifest? because the weed aswell as cbd oil seemed to keep the anxiety and insomnia at bay then suddenly almost a year after dropping the sertraline I developed all these mental and physical symptoms. Or is there something else wrong with me because I've had cameras in me, been to three different doctors and various homeopaths and they say everything seems fine when it clearly isn't. I've lost my job my friends three stones and it feels as if I've lost control over my entire body and mind. Someone please help lol. I have many other symptoms to an extreme degree but I've actually lost track of everything I'm going through. Still sane though I think.(hope)
  3. Hi everyone. Long story short, I lost someone close to me and was having a difficult time dealing w/ the grief. Went to my GP who prescribed Lexapro. I only took a small dose for 3 months. Like immediately, my genitals went numb, especially my clitoris area. I dealt with it for a while because my doctor said it should get better with time. When I realized it wasn't improving at all, I came off of it, tapering fairly quickly. Fortunately for me, I didn't experience withdrawal symptoms. Then again, I didn't really experience much improvement in depression anyway. I suspect I was never depressed. Just sad. I expected the sexual numbness, no libido, and lack of orgasm/very weak orgasm to improve upon stopping but I am 4 months out with very little improvement. I feel like vaginally, I'm less numb but it's as though my clitoris isn't even there still. I can climax with my BF but it takes so much time (and A LOT of pressure ... feels like I'm wearing like 2 layers of clothing over that area is the best way I can describe it!) A lot of times I seriously just fake it. It's so discouraging. I feel bad for him because our sex life has totally changed. I was a very sexual person prior to this. I could orgasm very easily and quickly and had so much sensation. I hate to say it, but I don't even feel as attracted to him as I used to. I mean I am, but overall, I'm just so much less sexual and sensual now. I'm angry at myself for taking the Lexapro. I wish I could've been strong enough to not even mention it to my GP. I replay that scenario a lot in my mind. Of course, I've read a lot of horror stories about PSSD, so I'm very scared that this will be permanent for me. I did come across some of Altostrata's posts though, which were very comforting. In my research I haven't come across as many women's stories, so it was refreshing. Overall I am doing much better emotionally now- that's the annoying thing. Like I feel like I probably never needed the stupid Lexapro in the first place, but here I am with these lingering effects from it. I would appreciate any hope or encouragement because this whole thing keeps me awake some nights, as much as I hate to admit that. I just feel like it stole a part of who I am. I should add that I also have Lupus and worry that that complicates my recovery further. I don't know though. Thanks for listening. I wish everyone well.
  4. See journal articles about PSSD in Papers about Post-SSRI Sexual Disorder (PSSD) Please note that SurvivingAntidepressants is a site for tapering and recovery from withdrawal syndrome. While we see PSSD sometimes as an aspect of withdrawal syndrome (and we see gradual recovery from it as well as withdrawal syndrome), this site is not specifically for discussion of treatment of PSSD or its neurological origins (which at this time are highly speculative). If you wish to discuss symptoms, theories, and treatment of PSSD, please go to these sites: PSSDforum http://www.pssdforum.com/ Yahoo group SSRIsex (log in to http://Yahoo.com to join) Facebook group (log into Facebook.com to join) Various pages on Rxisk.org
  5. Hello everyone UK Association and Website for PSSD sufferers - We are forming an association for sufferers of PSSD in the UK with the goal of increasing awareness of PSSD and all other related enduring problems having withdrawn from antidepressants. We're working with other PSSD associations from around the world. The website will be ready soon, and we'll then be contacting clinicians and researchers to attempt to raise the profile of PSSD and encourage dialogue, research etc. If you're interested in joining and being updated, please join us on discord: https://discord.gg/U6EphsV The website will include stories of those suffering with PSSD. It would be particularly helpful to have sufferers from the UK to contribute. However, if you're from another country where your voice is not heard, we will include your story. Here are some guidelines to help: It would be helpful to include: - Something about what your life / health was like before PSSD / antidepressants to give context. - How you got PSSD - What your symptoms are - What your experience has been with attempting to get treatment. - The impact that PSSD has / has had on your life on the lives of people close to you. - What you're hoping might change having told your story. - A thank you to whoever is reading. - I suggest that you try to keep what you write below 1000 words. The goal is to express your feelings and experience but try to not go on so long that you might lose the reader's attention. Here are some examples from the Canadian site to help you: https://pssdcanada.squarespace.com/our-stories If anyone has relatives or someone else close to them who would like to contribute something about how this has affected the person they care about and how it makes they themselves feel, that would also be great. I know that many of us feel (justifiably) angry at pharmaceutical companies, psychiatrists, doctors etc. However, please try and leave accusations, blame, anger about lack of action out of your story because this is likely to undermine what we're trying to achieve. We want clinicians and researchers to empathise and to try and help us. Therefore, the tone is important. Busy people are less likely to want to try and help if they feel like they're being attacked. We will address the need for pharmaceutical companies to be held to higher standards regarding the risks of antidepressant use elsewhere in the site and within the aims of the association. Thank you and Best wishes to everyone!
  6. Hi everyone PSSD, Drugs and Rock N Roll Youtube Channel - We now have a youtube channel featuring music videos and information videos created by PSSD sufferers. The goals is to get 1000 subscribers so that we can generate funds from the views for research etc. This is also a means to raise awareness. Please go ahead and subscribe to the channel and listen to some of the music. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCn8GM6PmO-a7oP0LOxUv3iA/videos If you're a musician and want to contribute, please send videos to: sexdrugsandrockandroll.pssd (at symbol) gmail (dot) com Thanks and best wishes
  7. I was given 20 mg of Prozac back in 1997 for depression. I was still technically a minor back then. I had an initial "high" from the Prozac which was mistaken for me not being depressed anymore. A few months later, Prozac stopped working and I had completely lost my sexual functioning. I told my doctor about this, so I was switched to Effexor. I kept on being switched from medication to medication in an attempt to achieve the initial "high" of the Prozac and to reverse the sexual functioning but things just got worse. One day I was put on a medication called Wellbutrin and that caused a manic episode from the first dose which caused me to have to be put into an inpatient facility. I was now switched from just being depressed to having bipolar disorder. I was put on Depakote which stopped the manic episode. Depakote caused me a lot of suffering, so I decided to cold turkey the medication about 6 months later. This led to another inpatient hospitalization and now I was polydrugged with Depakote and Zyprexa. This was the first polydrug combination I was on. This combination of medications was even worse because I was sleeping at least 16 hours a day. After another 6 months or so, I cold turkeyed both of these medications and that led to another inpatient hospitalization. I was fortunate in some ways to have the Zyprexa removed and be able to function somewhat ok on just Depakote and now Klonopin. I stayed on Depakote for years but my sexual issues were never solved and I had a lot of other side effects from Depakote such as multiple sclerosis and Parkinson's disease like symptoms. In around 2005, I discovered the first person who had described the same sexual issues I experienced. It was called Post SSRI Sexual Dysfunction. I discovered forums similar to this one, and consumed books by people like Dr. Breggin. In 2007, I was able to successfully withdraw safely from all medications by switching over to lithium and valium and using a compound pharmacy to taper down. I felt a lot better and recovered from some of the damages caused by the medications. I began social drinking in 2008 because I felt like I missed out on such a big part of my life. About 6 months later, I completely lost my ability to sleep probably due to the alcohol damaging what the benzos had already damaged. I was forced into a state psych ward and given a diagnosis of bipolar NOS, psychosis, anxiety etc. After 3 or 4 months in the state psych ward, I left on a combination of Depakote ER and Ativan. I had to eventually updose the Depakote ER and switch to Klonopin again. So for the last 3 years or so, I've been on 1250 mg of Depakote ER and 3 mg of Klonopin. While I am not suffering nearly as much as I did when I was bombarded with antipsychotics like Haldol and Geodon, life isn't nearly as good as I know it could be. That's why I want to get help in coming off of the Depakote ER and Klonopin safely. My confidence level is a bit low because I feel like I may be damaged beyond repair due to being on dozens of psychiatric medications and due to the past experience with insomnia I freak out when I cannot sleep and that is what is happening now. I started to taper off of Depakote ER on 11/24/2014 and I'm on 750 mg Depakote ER now and 3 mg of Klonopin. That's my intro but I'm not sure what to do next...
  8. I'm tappering off Cymbalta after starting it on december 2015. I didn't realize until it was too late, but while on cymbalta I lost the ability to feel, so i decided to quit I tought it coulnd't get worse, but now that I´m tappering I feeling even less, I guess that´s part of the withdrawal
  9. Context [This thread may sound familiar because when I felt the most hopeless and suicidal I made a different thread on PSSD forums, but some user copied that thread here to hide the fact it was the same person as another banned account. I waited to post here until I got to know at which points in time I was supposed to take my medicine. I've been off them for about a year] I started taking the anti-dipressant Zoloft/Setraline for Depression, the stress and anxeity I have from my aspergers and Pure OCD. Everything usually felt dark, heavy and really really sad but there were moments of happiness. I've always been over emotional on the inside, although it might have not looked like that on the outside. I hesitated getting Anti-Dipressants for a long time because I was afraid of permanent affects. I intentionally did not read internet horror stories so I would still take the pill and was truly convinced by my doctors that if I'd stop taking my pills, I'd go back to normal. But that isn't the case. I haven't felt like the same person ever since. I kept having a strong urge to meet up with an old crush of mine again (in the platonic sense) after a long time of not seeing her. I even had dreams about it. When I finally did, I felt almost nothing except physical tiredness even though we technically had a good time. It was that moment I realized just how little actual happiness I can feel yet how easily I can still feel physical pain and tiredness and I started to feel hopeless again. I then also realized how little I felt for the most recent ''crush'' and how back when I was in love with that old crush it was so strong it was unbeliabale. [Timeframe and dosage] I have now finally been able to contact my psychiatrist to find out in which two periods I was supposed to take them. one of about 4 months. The other of about 8. However, I'd sometimes forget my dosage and I stopped cold turkey twice sometime before the end of these periods. -Period 1: -12 December 2017 to -6th of march 2018. -Period 2: -10th of april 2018 to -somewhere in november 2018. It's likely I already stopped by december as I pretended to take them for a while. Something seems off here too, I remember there was a longer period of time I stopped taking in between these two periods. Likely because I also pretended to still take. This means it's likely been a bit more than a year since stopping. In each period I started with 10 mg, very quickly moving to 20 and feeling relatively positive results. Then after moving to 50mg I'd feel too emotionally blunted and it'd scare me so I'd stop and I'd thought it'd go away. Only it didn't. [Experience] The first time I took my pills I immediately felt a bit of relief but thought such quick effect must be in my head. I did quickly get stomach cramps, flatulence, constipipation and diarrheah issues from it which lessened over time. I didn't notice much else at first. Then I got super over emotional and went through one of the hardest periods of my life. I couldn't stop crying and I was constantly anxious and tense and barely slept at all. As it went awayIfelt much less anxeity than ever, I felt a bit more energy and could think more positively. I used to always have an anxious/nervous feeling in my stomach regardless of how I actually felt and it was gone. However I also couldn't feel orgasms anymore and had genital numbness.I still liked the effect for a while. My thinking got more positive and I thoughtI could finally beat depression if I'd just work at it. I was less emotional, but that seemed like a good thing. Until the dosage was upped to 50 at one point and I felt like a complete zombie and I started to get freaked out. I noticed that all this time even on the lower dosage I couldn't cry well and I wasn't actually any happier and in fact found it even harder to feel happy. I cared less even less about doing anything than I did before because I couldn't take anything seriously and nothing made me feel better so I may as well do nothing. I stopped cold turkey (dumb I know) so I'd get all my emotion back but I didn't. I didn't really notice that much initially. Except that I got a lot more tired,. Like..A lot more tired. [Lasting issues] Now I have these issues.. -Cognitive: -General ''brain fog'' type feel. Worse short term memory, much worse concentration, can't process information well esecially if new, More interrupted sleep no matter how calm I am (partially already had this due to GERD), a left eye that twitches a lot, blurry vision that resets a brief moment after every blink, and even less motivation. Like way less. Busy places are much more distracting and tiring than they used to be, yet the anxious feeling I'd usually get from them is gone. I've barely felt functional. It also effects how well I can hear in noisy enviorments and process speech sound. -Emotional: -More irritability/anger. Blunted emotions in general. Harder to cry. Harder to have sympathy/empathy. The hardest to feel feelings are happiness and sadness. Happiness even harder, yet I have no trouble feeling stress. I notice my body still reacts physically asif the feelings are still there (my voice sounding sadder/softer, my heart rate increasing..), yet I can't sense the emotion on the inside like I'm on some kind of anasthetic. I can tell I need to cry but then can't unless in extreme scenarios and when I finally can I don't feel it nearly as well. At least I never lost my ability to laugh. I still get goosebumps/shivers in my head/chest area from certain thoughts, though I tend to need to force this out of me by thinking instead of it triggering by something happening around me making it feel incredibly forced and I notice a disconnect between the no response reality and the excitement of thinking about my desires. My stomach area feels the most numbed of all. It has made me feel more suicidal than I was before. It feels like purgatory. And Like I'm watching a movie of my life instead of living it. -Sexual: -Genital Anasthesia (asin no sexual pleasure from touch) as well as anorgasmia type PSSD. Already had this a bit due to a past porn addiction but it wasn't that bad at all. If I just touch myself to imagery, anything else would be more exciting. If I conciously think about how exciting this is supposed to be, I get shivers down my upper body and am in a state of enjoyment. More than with anything else at least. But I constantly notice the disconnect between feeling nothing of pleasure in my lower body. Especially with the orgasm I feel absolutely nothing exciting whatsoever which is a total anti climax. A sneeze is much more tense. I now have a biological urge (My libido remains unaffected) that I can't actually satiate. No matter how calm I am or how excited I am mentally, my body does not co-operate to make it physically enjoyable yet functionally/on the outside everything works fine. -Other: Still have some gut problems. As a result I have trouble doing anything at all that isn''t more involved than browing random internet forums and listening to gaming reviews on youtube. [Not taken seriously] My dad told me I'm just making this up to avoid having to solve my problems and that its all in my head despite me wishing that was true. Sure I don't know which issues are all caused by the pills but I sure do know it made that nervous feeling go away ever since so it DID make permanent changes. Doctors and psychiatrists and the like don't believe it's possible. My mom believes it's possible but she acts like it's better than what I used to be and that I should just accept this and hope it gets better. Both parents think I shouldn't believe ''those people on the internet and that you're not part of them''. My mom keeps getting mad when I get mad about the problem because ''Well what do you want me to say or do?''. Even though when I was wrongfully treated by a past school of mine my parents fought them with rage yet when my humanity is taken away from me they just expect me to suck it up. Most people either don't believe it at all because doctors say effects can't persist, OR they kind of act like they do but I can easily tell they don't believe and instead just want to support me feeling better. People keep expecting me to function on the level pre ssri. They keep telling me I'm smart yet I'm struggling for reasons that aren't depression. They keep expecting me to care about small things when I even have trouble caring about the things I used to care about most. [Progress] PSSD has not showed a single bit of progress. I've been having a less difficult time feeling sadness however. Tiredness has been lessened by living a better lifestyle but I still don't feel like my old self even though I didn't do these things back than. To not feel like I'm mentally handicapped from tiredness, I started to eat on time everyday and pay more attention to what I eat (including so I get less GERD,) for which I stopped eating late in the evning). I went to the doc for a blood test and the result was low vitamin d and low bloodcells (which I likely have always had yet back then I wasn't that tired) but anyways I got vitamin D supplements (I'm black so it's higher than usual). I started to put all my screens on low blue light filters. I also started to go to go to bed and wake up at certain times (though eventually staying asleep is futile). I want to add some exercise to it soon and make some adjustments to make my GERD better. I today got noise cancelling headphones so I can actually hear what I want to listen to outside. PLEASE SOMEONE give me hope my emotions can get better. Everything feels so pointless when putting in effort to do things only leads to more tiredness and no happiness despite in the past being able to feel happiness.
  10. Hi everyone, just wanted to share my story (and hopefully my eventual recovery). I am 20 years old, and was 19 when I started on 50mg of Sertraline I was prescribed it in Feb 2015 for social anxiety and took it for a month. Quit cold turkey because I felt pretty depersonalised, and cause of the sexual side effects. All of my symptoms came on during my time on the drug or shortly afterwards. They are: Dulling of emotion/Anhedonia - Have felt sadness a few times, and anger a few times. No joy, no passion, maybe some flashes of love but that's it. Unable to relate to characters in books/TV. Dimunition of visual imagination - I used to daydream constantly prior to taking the drug. Since cold turkeying the pictures in my mind are very blurred and I am no longer able to daydream. Loss of creativity - Before the drug I used to read a lot, and when I read I always felt like ideas were constantly popping into my brain. Since I stopped medication this no longer happens. I feel like I am reading the words on the page very superficially.. Physical numbness in brain - Feels like there's a great pressure in the frontal lobe of my head, almost like it is torn (but there is no pain) PSSD - No libido, anorgasmia, difficulty getting and maintaining erections (too much information but I want to be thorough here) No fatigue behind eyes - this one isn't necessarily negative, but since stopping the drug my eyes never get tired regardless of how much time I spend using screens or reading. Possible other symptoms that could be unrelated: Muscle twinges (very mild), worsening of eyesight (20/20 vision pre medication), urine delay (is considerably better now) Improvements - I saw very positive changes when it came to anorgasmia and erections around 6 months into my withdrawal. Unfortunately it seems like in the past 2 months things have gone back to square one. The physical pressure in my head varies a lot, and is definitely much better than it was at the start of my withdrawal (though it still gets very bad). I couldn't read for the first 6 months of this withdrawal because I got absolutely no enjoyment out of it and that was depressing because I used to love reading prior to the drug. Now I read a bit, and it feels nicer than doing nothing I guess, but seriously if that's an improvement in my anhedonia then it's 0% to 1%, because I still have zero positive emotion. General - I feel hopeless about recovery a lot of the time. I have suicidal thoughts but would never commit suicide because of the effect that would have on my mum. I browse through the forums looking for recovery stories, but it seems like most people who recover haven't had this constant anhedonia, and were in a more turbulent emotional withdrawal. If anyone who is in my position, or anyone who was in my position but recovered, could reply I'd be very grateful. Many thanks, Raven
  11. hi everyone, I have been reading posts on this website for a while and decided it's time to join and tell my story. I was diagnosed with Anxiety, depression at 14. I didn't go on meds till about age 19. I first took Paxil for about 6 months when I was severely depressed then stopped because of the side effects. At that time I wasn't taking it regularly or every day so I didn't have or notice any withdrawal symptoms. I started taking wellbutrin around age 24 for about a year or so from what I remember. I stopped that as well because of the side effects. No withdrawal symptoms from what I remember. Then I read about 5htp(5-Hydroxytryptophan) on the internet. Which was what I thought a "natural" anti depressant. I read that 5htp is a replacement for tryptophan which was no longer sold in Canada or US. I took this for about 4 years and took 100mg a few times a week with food. I remember reading somewhere that this should only be taken short term and not long term. But of course I didn't listen. I recently stopped taking 5htp about 2 months ago. Since then I've had some sleeping problems, headaches and pain in my stomach. But nothing too major. However the main reason I am here is because of PSSD(Post-SSRI sexual dysfunction) if that term even applies with 5htp. I first noticed problems last summer when I met a girl. I had problems with getting an erection hard enough for intercourse. I never thought much of it at the time because I didn't really like her too much. However I met someone I did like about 4 months ago and had the same problem with my erections. I also had problems getting an erection when I masturbated which started about 4 months ago, and was getting delayed ejaculation, premature ejaculation and loss of feeling which was a real alarm for me. I wasn't too much into porn when I did masturbate before and just used my thoughts(hot women etc) when I did masturbate. But once I started having problems with my erections I started watching porn thinking that it would help. But it didn't really help that much or if anything made it worse. So I went to the doctor got blood work done, urinalysis and check for low testosterone and he said everything was fine, it's just Psychological. Since I stopped taking 5htp 2 months ago and all supplements my erections have improved somewhat and get the "morning wood" on and off but it's still a big challenge. My question to everyone on here is do you think 5htp can be the cause of my sexual dysfunctions? I've read posts from other members that have had pssd but again that was from taking prescribed anti-depressents and not 5htp? Sorry for the long read and I hope this was the right place to post this. I don't know what else to do. Thank you all for reading.
  12. NOSEXscitalopram I am a 23 years old male and I was prescribed antidepressants 2 years ago, which permanently damaged my sexuality. It was Spring 2017, after a stressful period of time caused by anemia, I began experiencing symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder. I started having depersonalization, a state in which a person feels "detached" from their mind, thoughts, and emotions. I tried psychotherapy for 2 months, but it was not beneficial for me at all, therefore my next decision was to make an appointment with a private psychiatrist. He prescribed me an antidepressant called ‘Escitalopram’ (also known under the brand names of Cipralex and Lexapro) and said that these medications were well tolerated and the ‘only side effects’ that most of his patients experienced was a dry mouth. A couple of days after starting the antidepressant, my genitals became numb and my sexual functioning decreased by around 50%. I literally felt like I was 90 years old! During my second appointment, I reported this side effect to the psychiatrist, and he reacted by prescribing a different antidepressant. Unfortunately, it was causing the same problem. We then tried a third one which caused more sexual side effects. I kept taking it for about 3 weeks and decided to quit as I had had enough. My psychiatrist informed me, that I might get withdrawal symptoms which are mild and last around a week. When I discontinued the medications, I went through hell! I experienced horrible brain zaps, anxiety, sadness, shaking, insomnia, sweating, and severe problems with concentration - it all lasted about 7 weeks. Additionally, the sexual side effects still persisted at that time - I thought that it could not be possible, so I visited my GP. I had all sorts of medical tests that revealed no abnormalities. Furthermore, I got back to my psychiatrist with the issue, who said that in some cases antidepressants cause permanent sexual dysfunctions. I was terrified. Then I got referred to a urologist, who confirmed that my problem was caused by the antidepressant and unfortunately there was no treatment for it. I am now stuck with permanent damage from these medications and there is no help for me and many sufferers at all. This issue was first reported to regulators in 1991 and the first time any regulator actually confirmed the problem and requested updates of all SSRI/SNRI leaflets was the European Medication Agency in May 2019. Still, there is no research into it and many GPs say that PSSD does not exist. How horrible life can be when you have a condition, which existence is denied by pharmaceutical companies and even medical professionals. I am in an anhedonia state, which negatively affected my progress at university, and destroyed my relationship. I do not think that I will ever be able to have my own family that I have always dreamt of. Antidepressants permanently damaged my sexuality and left me suicidal. But of course, these medications are still recognized as safe and there are more and more people who are prescribed and take them worldwide.
  13. Brooke Hi everyone! I'm thrilled to finally be posting here. I've been lurking here and there since 2016, when I first found Surviving Antidepressants when I was considering getting off of the Effexor XR and Wellbutrin XL I'd been taking from age 15-30. Like so may of you, withdrawal was hell on Earth. I experienced everything from homicidal visions to extreme noise sensitivity to rage to a bizarre blood vessel disorder called nodular vasculitis. Combined with the tsunami of pain and trauma that came gushing out after I removed my antidepressant band aid, and I was a barely functioning, terrified mess with no psychiatric support. I was lucky, though, to have some resources outside the traditional mental health system that helped me work through my experience, and today I am proud to say that I consider myself cured of chronic depression haven't taken a prescription drug since 2016. It's taken me until now to actually participate in the forum because I needed to know that I was in a solid place. So much of the internet (I'm looking at you Twitter...) can be a triggering environment, and had to make sure that I could mentally handle it. But I trust in the work I've put in, and I'm ready! I say all this not to boast, but to wave from the distance and do my best to act as an example of success. I know that when I was in withdrawal and working through all the trauma, I would have done anything to know that there were people out there who were thriving after spending half their life on antidepressants. Instead, it felt like I was in uncharted waters. I wrote about this for the Washington Post earlier this year, and the flood of support and stories I got in response was overwhelming and heartbreaking. Anyway, happy to answer any questions, and much love to you all. Brooke
  14. Hi there This is my first post here so apologies if I'm posting this in the wrong place. I'm currently in withdrawal from citalopram which I stopped taking 18 months ago. For the first 6 to 9 months I had the windows and waves pattern. But from around 9 months off the medication onwards the windows and waves have stopped and I've been in a constant state win a number of symptoms. My symptoms are insomnia, lack of appetite stomach and bowel problems, complete emotional blunting, constant sexual dysfunction, fatigue, eyesight problems like blurred vision and some visual disterbance particularly in my left eye and there are other symptoms but those are the main ones. I'm in a constant state with these symptoms which I have been in for around a year now with no windows and waves at all. I'm just a little bit confused about why I'm not getting the windows and waves anymore and what this means or if anyone else has any experience with this? I know the windows and waves are a commonly reported part of this so I'm a bit confused about why I'm not getting this anymore. If anybody knows anything on this subject would be great to hear from you. Thanks and take care xx
  15. started taking paroxetine on medical advice, I felt good in the first two weeks. And after getting worse, losing: sexuality, motivation, intellectual capacity, emotions, I endured for one year using medication, it was the worst year of life, after stopping: very strong withdrawal symptoms, and the symptoms did not improve.gradually improved slightly over 8 years, but still had bad pssd.some medications that I tried, promoted partially cure for some time, but stopped working, like: pramipexole, St. John’s wort, was curing me, but mixed with drugs, I had serotonergic syndrome, during the syndrome my libido was very high, after libido got worse, the whole pssd got worse and hasn’t improved since then.10 years ago, pssd destroyed my life, I tried: parnate, I improved a lot then it lost effect, testosterone improved for 2 weeks after it lost effect. intending to create a pssd foundation in my country, and to raise funds for research, it will take a few years yet, i need to finish my college before, but i will try because i think it is the best i can do.
  16. ME: 37 y.o. female STORY: In escitalopram 1 year and two months: low dosis (10 mg per day) from Jun 2013 to May 2013, then I low to 10 gr every two days. eventually quit on September 2013 WHY STARTING WITH IT? I had the drug because I experienced a great general anxiety. It really cure my problem. Other drugs you are having or gone back to this one : NO SIDE EFFECTS: - Not arousal, not libido: the sensation of "I could live without sex" - I can get orgasms but they are much weaker. - I have noticed that my breast don´t get swollen before menstruation - Lack of vaginal discharge - Barely absence of vaginal odour Any improvements since then: NO Natural suplements or herbs you are having?: 1500 mg oil fish omega 3 daily since 28/1/2014 "if you come up with any good ideas, please let us know"
  17. Zpssd

    Zpssd: Plz help

    I stopped fluvoxamine 2 months ago and started expiriencing sexual dysfunction so i went to my psychiatrist and he added bupropraon(wellbutrin).its been 4 days and i am not noticing any improvement.i need to know that my syptoms wont worsen as long as i am on ssri again
  18. Hi everybody this is my 2 year story. I'll try and keep it short and detailed. I suffered from GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) and had panic attacks since the age of 5. My anxiety was triggered by my parent's divorce but i was able to overcome it twice in my life. When i was 14 i was diagnosed with IBS. I had it pretty bad so i got really down about it and probably had mild situation depression. I (unfortunately) saw this article in class one day about anxiety, depression etc and they pretty much advertised anti depressants. I always knew there must of been meds for anxiety/depression but i figured i was just too young for them. Being a typical 14 year old I thought i was a hot shot and should be old enough for anything. That night i pretty much convinced myself i was depressed and told my mum to take me to the hospital so i could try some medication (so stupid i know - they really made it sound like anti-depressants could really really help - even for IBS (LOL)) I was given 10mg of celexa (citalopram). That's right. You can just walk right into the hospital, say your depressed and you want medication and they'll give it to you. After a while i went up to 20 mg which is where i stayed for a while. This is also where i first noticed the anhedonia - which got better but not 100%. I also noticed that i couldn't "visualize" anything in my mind anymore like the tv in my mind was more vague or something. After a while though some of the numbing effects of the celexa wore off. I actually liked the numbing though because it really eased my anxiety - although i didn't know i wouldn't be able to feel pleasure to its fullest extant again. So around the end of my use i went up to 30mg for a while and slowly i went up to 40mg. Yes, a 15 year old was advised by a psychiatrist to go that high. But it was only for no more than a month or two. I surely felt a little drugged and I believe it was mostly then that i started to notice mild sexual symptoms (premature ejaculation). Once i tapered off for about a month from 20-40mgs, and all the normal withdrawal symptoms went away, i noticed PSSD 2 weeks after the last celexa. It was pretty mild, i only had premature ejaculation and minor other problems. I also had anhedonia and the TV in my mind thing too but other than that i felt pretty much normal. So Celexa for 8-9 months. At this point i was already on a low dose Elavil (10mgs). It gave me bad bloating and heart palps especially when i tried to go to 20mg but i could tolerate 10mg but it wasn't really doing any good. My psychiatrist insisted that i stayed on it though so I did for less than a year. I eventually went on clonazepam for 4 weeks and tapered for 3. I just took it when i needed it which was like once per 1-2 weeks on average. So after lets say 6 months after celexa I went off elavil and got on zoloft (sertraline). I still had the mild/moderate anhedonia, premature ejaculation, minor erection problems and the visualization thing. I continued to have heart palps, bloating from time to time (still get it now lol) and i found that my cognitive and energy was lagging too. I went on 25mg of sertraline to start with, and found that my PSSD pretty much went away. My anhedonia was better too which i think i noted but i still found music to not be quite as enjoyable than before and that it didn't automatically fill my mind with images like it used too before meds. However my sexual confidence sky rocketed even at almost 16 lol. To be honest i didn't think the meds caused my PE, i knew anxiety could do it so i thought it was just that. My first sexual encounter was not long before the meds and i realize now that i lasted MUCH longer than after. The PSSD only went away for about 2-3 weeks as to be expected until the delayed ejaculation side effect began to fade. In an attempt to regain that side effect i went on 50mg of sertraline but the PSSD didn't get any better despite my "depression" seeming to have improved. I didn't feel many side effects on this drug except that i would start to cry over happy things and laugh at sad things, almost like weird trigger response to stimuli. All these symptoms i still have by the way. That summer, being on zoloft i began smoking cannabis. I only smoked moderately to regularly for about 2 and a half months. It really helped with my anhedonia, boosted my libido and made my orgasms amazing. I dont feel like it would have the same effect now for some reason though. I also went on a low dose of buspar for a couple of months on top of all of this. So that summer i was on zoloft 50mg, smoking cannabis, and taking buspar. PSSD same as always. ultimately, i only took zoloft(sertraline) for 6 months. I tapered zoloft really badly. It was like a 3 week taper from 50mg, to 25mg to nothing. I didn't take the dosages consistently, it was just horrible. I had a bad acute withdrawal, with a lot of muscle tenseness, stress, bloating, brain zaps, etc. Most of these went away except i still have the floating stress/tenseness feeling even now. During my initial W/D i went through a lot of stress as well which didn't help of course. however, as the months went past and i started smoking less and less, i noticed more and more symptoms. fatigue, dizziness, visual symptoms, dp/dr, cognitive problems, head pressure, hyper sensitive to stress, sleep problems, light headedness, tinnitus, etc.... over time the PSSD began getting worse, so did the anhedonia, depression started kicking in, i had sinus problems, headaches, muscle weakness, insomnia, cold feet, hair loss, etc the list goes on. Whats funny is my IBS is quite a lot better than it ever was, i barely ever think about it. However despite the initial symptoms going away, most have not. My pssd continues to worsen (possibly due to another cause - still ruling things out) and my my depression/anhedonia, memory, cognitive function, depersonalization/derealization, severe visual distortions etc continues to decline. I dont have the dizziness or head pressure as much but it comes and goes. So there you have it. All of this happened within about 2 years. I know its not much compared to a lot of people here but the effect that these pills have had on me is more than anything i could ever have imagined. I've gone from mild/moderate pssd to moderate to severe sexual dysfunction, my vision has gone from just being short sighted to being completely distorted, a lost my empathy and passion and many other things. everything today is a chore and an effort, i have very little energy, etc etc and i'm 17 months off of zoloft, and the last substance i've ever taken was cannabis so i'm technically 14 months off if you count that and the few benzos i took. I know its early but any reassurance that i will recover really helps. I've had a few good days with my energy, relaxation, cognitive function and possibly even the anhedonia (not by much though). however, the general trend has been an overall decline in function which is very scary. Could it be that this decline suggests that my body is recovering and that i will feel better somewhere down the line? I hope so. So to recap : 20mg Celexa, to 40mg 1 month tapper Elavil - 10 mg. No more Celexa. PSSD symptoms Clonazepam for 1 month. 1 month tapper. took when needed for over a year. Off Elavil Zoloft 25mg to 50mg about 6 months + Buspar Smoking MJ Tapered inconsistently for 2 weeks REALLY bad stress (situational) - Last Sertraline Oct 2012 - Last clonazepam Nov 2012. - Last cannabis Jan 2013 Thanks for reading guys. I'm 17 years old, turning 18 next month and i'm 17 months out.
  19. Hello everyone Excuse my bad English, I hope the text is still reasonably readable. I try to keep my story as short as possible, but it will probably be a bit longer anyway. I hope you can give me some advice about my current situation. You can also jump directly to the "Status now" section if you are not interested in the whole history. It is important to mention in advance that I have a severe physical disability and this could explain some of my sensitive reactions to medication. Otherwise I am a normal 25 year old man. Autumn 2016: Due to a longer lasting, pronounced generalized anxiety disorder, my psychiatrist prescribes the medication Deanxit (1 tablet daily) for me in autumn 2016. This consists of the tricyclic antidepressant Melitracen (10mg) and the neuroleptic Flupentixol (0.5mg). This drug may be less well known here in the forum, as it is not available in many countries. With time I became aware that I react very strongly to the drug. My anxiety decreased considerably, but at the same time I felt a rather pronounced indifference and sexual problems (functionality in this area still at about 70%). But for the time being I was able to come to terms with this. Winter 2018 / 2019: I managed to reduce the drug to about 1/4 by December 2018 without any problems. However, the annoying side effects remained, which is why I wanted to discontinue the drug. Since my relatively generous reductions worked well until then and my psychiatrist only spoke of a "homeopathic" dose, I stopped the medication abruptly in December 2018. I will try to describe this weaning attempt as briefly as possible: In the first to weeks I was overwhelmed by a massive flood of impressions. After these two weeks, however, I stabilized and then had the impression that I was slowly returning to the person I was before taking the drug. But after another two weeks, four weeks after stopping, I suddenly felt worse again. From then on I felt worse every day and developed a severe mania, which I had never experienced before. I could not even lie down anymore. As I hoped that this condition would go away on its own, I endured another two weeks. Only after six weeks I started again with the dose of 1/4 tablet of Deanxit. It was only when I started taking the medicine again that I realized how traumatizing this experience was. Two months of pronounced depersonalization followed before I felt my body normal again. But with that, the anxiety states came back again. Summer 2019: Out of desperation, in the summer of 2019 I unfortunately started taking St. John's wort along with my medicine. Although I proceeded very carefully, the level of my medicine probably increased more and more. Because I had placed so much hope in St. John's wort and somehow didn't realize the connection, I held out for about five days in a state of quite a strong excess of Deanxit. For the time being, however, I recovered from this experience without any problems. Autumn 2019: I then tried Rhodiola rosea and Ashwagandha with even greater care. But in large intervals, so that the Deanxit could really be broken down. Especially the Ashwagandha did not suit me at all: A single intake put me completely out of action for one month. I felt a massive apathy and was sometimes not even able to read a text. Of course, this condition also hat a negative influence on my sexuality. Status now: Fortunately I recovered from this state after one month. But only for a few days: I can pretty much state that I got worse again from November 6th 19' on. I became more indifferent again and developed massive sexual problems on the side. It began with the fact that I suddenly no longer felt my genitals. This was followed by many other symptoms. My sexual functioning became worse and worse. In the meantime I'm completely impotent, sexual stimuli do not cause anything anymore. That's why I can't get an erection and orgasm anymore. On an emotional level, I feel exactly the same: I have become completely indifferent, can no longer listen to music and feel no love for my family and friends. What next? After everything I have read on the internet, I strongly assume that my current condition is PSSD, probably triggered by the St. John's wort experiment. However, unlike most other sufferers, I'm currently still taking 30% of 1 tablet of Deanxit. Of course, I'm very concerned that each additional intake of this medication will make my condition worse. However, recently I could not even tolerate a reduction to 27%, the withdrawal symptoms were too strong. Especially since I'm already in a catastrophic condition. And this, although 1/4 tablet was effective in the past. What should I do best in your opinion? I'm very desperate and don't know what to do. At the moment I'm being looked after by a care team at home every day to get by. The next step is the endocrinological examinations. In a first saliva test I had i.a. a progesterone level of 1150 pg/ml (normal range: 23-58 pg/ml)! But what do I do if these tests do not show anything? It was suggested that I could take bupropion. After my experiences with Deanxit, I have actually become very critical about antidepressants, but I'm so desperate that I'm considering to take this. The careers also hope that I will be able to drop the Deanxit better with another AD. Or do you have any other advice on how to get rid of the Deanxit or what to do in my actual situation? Thanks for your help and for taking the time to read through the whole text (which was probably a bit exhausting, sorry)! Greetings trego94
  20. Dear all, This is my first post on this forum. I just wanted to share my experience with w/d of buspirone. I stopped 30mg/day about 23 days ago. I suffered 10 days, said enough, then went back to 10 mg/day. It didn't make much difference for another week. I gave up and upped to 20mg/day 7 days ago. While some bad stuff decreased, I am having very painfaul headaches since 2 days (tonight it woke me up). W/d symptoms: some that I know from SSRI/SNRI w/d, but some special for buspirone: "hangover" headache, "hangover" dry mouth, "normal" strong headaches, very angry (I have to punch some pillows or do pushups), flu-like chills and fever (for 3 days), strange pain in the neck. I want to emphasize that it seems as bad as paroxetine. For now I can even say it's worse cause when I came back to paroxetine, all symptoms went away. Now I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere (have many terrible symptoms, while still being on high dose). So, 1st I wanted to share, 2nd I'd welcome any ideas what to do (I already bought and am trying Omega-3)... I really don't want to go back to 30/day (for many reasons); besides I don't have guarantee that even that will bring me back to state before w/d. Did anyone was relieved after coming back to original dose after such long time (>3 weeks)? Did any particular supplement help?
  21. I wish I had discovered this forum before, I feel that it is now too late for me, I made so many mistakes out of desperation and not knowing what I was dealing with, I regret it, I don't know if my brain will return to normal after all this mess. It all started in 2010, I had just turned 17, and after years of bullying at school and depression I went to a psychiatrist who put me on 20 mg paxil, I felt good in the first two weeks, after I felt terrible, I became apathetic, without emotions, with anhedonia, without libido, depersonalized, I complained to the doctor but he said it would get better, so I supported it. after 6 months he added bupropion, he couldn't sleep, he felt panic all the time, he was going crazy, I changed the doctor, lowered paxil to 10 mg and added a benzo and amitriptyline, I felt good for a month, then everything went bad again he I removed amitriptyline and benzo and remained in paxil for another 6 months, and I felt terrible. my doctor removed the paxil in two weeks and said that I shouldn't take any more medication, hell was the withdrawal, but I endured it, I never felt the same again, anhedonia, emotional dullness, without libido, bad cognition. I noticed some small improvements over the next year, I did not know that I should have withdrawn slowly, I did not know that my brain could take years to heal. I was desperate for a cure, doctors and psychologists told me it was all psychological, after a year without medication, I took 1 month of mirtazapine, no improvement, and 1 month of trazodone, 1 month of tianeptine. Knowing what I know today I would say I had pssd, but at the time I didn't know. 2012 I managed to fall in love, but my brain still had all the symptoms of pssd, and sometimes I had erotic dreams, my cognition was better, but libido, anhedonia still very bad. 2013, sometimes I had mild moments of sexual excitement, I started drinking a lot for the next few years, I used MDD, one day and everything seemed to return to normal, except my libido, I used LSD once too, and I felt great except libido. 2014, I could watch TV, my anhedonia was better, cognition was better, sometimes I fell in love and sometimes I felt passion, but the sexual part was still very bad. 2015 and 2016 same thing as 2014 basically. 2017, I started to get desperate again, I wanted to recover my old self, I discovered the pssd forum, and I started testing drugs, I took pramipexole 0.375 mg, for a month, in the first two weeks it resolved my anhedonia but then it stopped working. I took inositol and did nothing. 2018, in January I went to an andrologist, gave me a cocktail of herbs and cialis and it didn't work. In April I took venvanse for a month, with no effect. In May I started St. John's wort, it seemed like it was healing me, everything was getting better, libido returned, genital anesthesia disappeared, so I went to a music festival, I wanted to enjoy it, (they gave me a drug pill, which I thought was mdma) , I started to feel very strange, (it was serotonergic syndrome, but I only discovered a lot afterwards), the next day my libido was very high, nymphomaniac, I had brain zaps, muscle spasms, I took the pill again, and I was very crazy, the next day I no longer had the benefits of the herb of san joao that was healing me and my pssd was worse, much more apathetic, without any libido, the serotonin syndrome got worse, I was confused, I had a seizure. I interrupted the herb, in the following 3 months, my pssd had worsened a lot, greater apathy, tinnitus and constant headache, the herb had more effect. In October 2018, I went to a clinic and took 1200mg of ibogaine, hoping to improve, it was a bad experience, despite feeling drugged for the next 3 months, but in the end I didn't get better. January 2019, I took 1800mg of servo de sao joao at night, I felt a heat in my brain that ran through my body, anhedonia and emotional dullness passed, the anesthesia in the penis disappeared, and I had a little libido, but it only lasted one one day, I tried other St. John's wort, but it never had that effect again. March 2019, for a moment I felt great libido and attraction to a person, even without taking any medication. July 2019, I tried parnate, it didn't help, October 2019 I started parnate, the first two weeks were wonderful, without anhedonia, better mood, although sexual function was not recovered, it lost the effect, except for a slightly better mood, I increased the dose up to 80mg in January, reduced it to 0 by a month, and stopped taking it. 2020, urologist prescribed, testosterone injectable every 10 days, improves erection, but did nothing for libido. Sorry, it was too long, but I tried to say everything, I think I should have given my brain time to heal on its own, as you recommend here, but I was desperate for a cure, and I was stuffed with medicines, and I interrupted the natural process, I think I messed things up a lot. mainly after the serotonin syndrome I lost almost all the little progress I made in years, I no longer have erotic dreams and I became more apathetic and I lost the 10% of libido that was still left, now I know I made a mistake, after 10 years ... my current symptoms are: no libido, apathy, emotional dullness, anhedonia, loss of penis sensitivity, and chronic tension headache. Can I still recover after all this mess?
  22. Shar244

    Shar244

    I was taking 50mg Sertraline daily (prescribed for anxiety) for 2 months in 2016. I stopped taking them instantly due to various side effects; insomnia followed by extreme fatigue and when the sexual dysfunction kicked in that was the last straw for me. I suffered for roughly 3 months with vertigo and nausea. I believe I am left with PSSD and also cognitive issues. I have been anti-depressant free since December 2016 I have experienced two or three ‘windows’ I think they are called? The PSSD has probably improved overall 10% day to day in the last two years. Recovery stories give me hope
  23. Hi all, Long story short. Was anorexic last year until Christmas, starting recovering from that/weight restoring in January 2016. One of the ED therapists I worked with told me anxiety peaks once weight it restored, which happened (although didn't learn this until recently) - end of April 2016 I went into psychiatric hold because the anxiety was making me suicidal. Big mistake. Doc there put me on 20mg of Citalopram. For the next month I did therapy which along with an occasional Benzo resolved the anxiety. By May the Citalopram kicked in, with all its side effects. Extreme nausea, dry heaving, insomnia, weight gain, hunger cues messed up (already were from anorexia, but worsened), acne, gynecomastia, swollen fingers, fatigue - so bad (daily nausea was excrutiating) I nearly killed myself at the end of June. But I finally found a good doc, who through the next month of tests, determined it was the meds. Began tapering first day in August, 20 mg to 15 mg. Took a supp called Serosyn with 5HTP, L-theanine, and B vitamins. Withdrawal consisted of chapped lips in in the first week, increased hunger (I could be full but my brain still screamed to eat), fatigue (different form than when on 20 mg), wired feeling and weight gain. Leveled off a bit after 3 weeks, although I should have stayed there longer (but I didn't because the effects of 20 mg have been so bad that I've been trying to get off asap). 2 and a half weeks ago went down to 10 mg. Like before, chapped lips in the first week, wired feeling persisting, continued weight gain, and insatiable hunger. As before the lips are healing, but the hunger is still messed up (early fullness, insatiable hunger). Tired still, waking up hungry even after eating a lot at night. Haven't exercised in 8 months - first b/c of anorexia recovery, by now b/c exercise messes up my hunger cues/I cannot seem to physically eat enough. Worried I've been too aggressive with the taper, and that I'm doing irreparable damage to my nervous system. I wonder if I should reinstate 15 mg (scared it won't help/cause more complications) and start a slower taper? Seriously scared reinstating will mess things up even more, but equally scared that I've dropped too fast and have messed up my nervous system irreparably (and that my hunger cues/weight, which have been messed since starting anorexia recovery, are doomed for life). tl;dr: 20 mg citalopram was full of terrible side effects, dropped to 15 and then to 10 pretty quickly, and paying the price; wondering if I should wait it out for another week to see if anything improves like the 20-15 drop, or reinstate 15 and go slower from there (also scared I'm ruined for the rest of my life, I've had to quit a lot of things because of this damn med). On the bright side, gynecomastia, acne, and such are improving as expected. But this messed up hunger is getting at me (as is the weight gain and general crap feeling that I've had ever since starting this med).
  24. Hey everyone. I was put on Zoloft and Concerta at the age of 11 for OCD and ADHD. I have been on 200mg of Zoloft for a long time. I CT'd the 36 mg of concerta in February 2017. I did not do my diligence. I made a change with my psychiatrist in 2017 for the zoloft. That change sent me to hell. She told me I could discontinue quickly while tapering onto another drug, which I thought I needed for my "sanity." I have since fired her and am off all medications after being diagnosed with "serotonin syndrome." Within a week of tapering from 200mg to 150mg and tapering on to another drug, I began experiencing strange symptoms, which, according to my "doctor" have nothing to do with the medication: complete emotional numbness (I struggle with this already due to depression but it is so so much worse now), a deep disconnection from my identity, ego, self, and external environment, random bouts of visual problems, severe memory loss, cognitive issues and fogginess--I feel like I am walking unconsciously, with the only thoughts I am having are intrusive, detached thoughts that don't make sense to me, along with bouts of suicidal ideation and severe and uncontrollable mood swings, an inability to think, reason, rationalize or plan ahead, a lack of spontaneous thoughts, soul crushing anhedonia, akathisia, tremors, numb crying spells with no feeling of sadness underneath, feeling like I am losing my mind, severe depersonalization and derealization, severe insomnia, muscle and joint pain, back pain, complete loss of sexual functioning, generally not feeling alive or like a human being, unable to connect to my environment, friends or family. I blame myself for not doing my research about coming off these medications and I blame myself for ever even going on them, though I don't remember if that was my decision or my parents. I had a pretty strong mind despite OCD and depression before coming off the drugs. I was incredibly smart and loved fishing and now I can barely work and my passion in life means nothing to me anymore. I have been in intensive CBT for the last few months, though it doesn't work because I literally cannot put thoughts together myself, my only thoughts are intrusive it seems. Doctors don't believe me and after doing the research I am not surprised. I understand it is too late for me to reinstate and that I am in for the battle of my life. I have been doing some things to help myself, though I have not seen improvement and don't expect to for years: meditation, engagement in life and things I used to enjoy, pursuing goals even though I don't care about them, eating nutrient dense foods, walking and light exercise, and hyperbaric oxygen therapy. Since I was on these drugs a long time and since I started as a kid I am feeling pretty hopeless that I can get better even though many people keep telling me I can. I expect to deal with OCD, depression, sexual issues the rest of my life but I don't expect to be an emotionless, anhedonic, depersonalized, cognitively impaired zombie who can barely function for the rest of my life. I am looking for hope mainly, a place to come to where people understand, and somewhere I can also offer hope to others who are going through the same. I don't think I can do this by myself anymore, and it is hard to go through all of this when my family and friends don't really understand. It is incredibly difficult to be around people who seemingly are enjoying life and taking for granted their humanity. It is incredibly isolating to be going through severe depression, depersonalization, and cognitive impairment that no one on my therapy team seems to understand. I cannot process my pain or emotions or my past trauma as I cannot access it on an emotional level. I want so badly to integrate my past pain into my life and recover from my life trauma but I cannot do it in this state. As I type this, I am so disconnected that I don't even feel the emotional pain of all of this. I wish you all healing and prosperity and hope that I will someday improve somewhat, at least to the point where I can enjoy fishing again. All I want to do right now is isolate and avoid people and everything that reminds me of what is missing in my life, but am fighting this urge and trying to stay engaged. I am hoping for some advice or hope from others who CT'd or rapid tapered at the advice of a doctor. I know I am afraid right now even though I cannot feel it in my body or mind. I am lost and am not getting the direction I need from therapy because they think I am just depressed, but this is not just depression. I don't expect to go through life without any suffering but this seems a bit too much to handle most days.
  25. I know this is an odd question. I have been struggling on and off with anhedonia, insomnia, head pressure, blurry vision and sexual dysfunction for two months. I will have windows where I feel almost completely normal and then add something to my body to make it worse. I was starting to feel better earlier this week after a long wave and had huge windows of improvement. Had some B12 because my doctor said I have a major deficiency and that it was important to get some B12. I had two small drops on two different days to test out. I had trouble sleeping but it was followed by great days emotionally and physically. I was finding music beautiful again and finding men attractive. I decided to try looking at porn, because my attraction was coming back. Almost immediately after, I was thrown into another wave. My vision was blurred, I became foggy and anhedonic. All attraction for men was gone again. I became restless and slept 3 hours the following night. It's been three days and I haven't seen much change. Sleep hasn't improved either and I have major headaches. Has looking at pornography ever thrown anyone into a wave?
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