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  1. Hi.. About year ago October 2020 I joined uni I had a lot of stress and chronic diarrhea for months with severe physical symptoms which did not go with physiological med... I went to a doctor in may 2021 ,he gave me cipralex 10mg.. And I was supposed to take it for a months as he said.. He gave me buspar too, the first day I took cipralex I feel like iam not normal but I thought itis a fatigue or just we can stay up in the morning not in the mood.. Until one of my friends said why you are like that?? I was laughing at everything.. I thought it was something like cocaiine! I cannot even describe the feeling.. I continued until the third day then I closed it on the fourth.. This day I got a bad headache then I had uterus bleeding for about 20 days.. I went to a phaychologiat and I had sessions I thought that my sudden confident was from the sessions but after some months I recognised that I cannot feel I cannot even concentrate or feel iam very numbed.. I went to another psychologist this months she said work ve emotional numbness and adhd.. And she wants to give me stimulants.. I need your help I cannot think anymore.. And if I told anyone that this symptoms are from med they do not believe me cause the med need month to work iam now 21 sep 2021 and I cannot feel anymore or just focus u feel like iam not real or iam dreaming just a bad feeling... Sorry for any mistake iam not English
  2. Mod Note: See the following links which may help you to distinguish if it is withdrawal or relapse: This post and this one, distinguishing withdrawal from relapse ______________________________________________________________________________________________ I was just wondering as I am 6 years off and still suffering from horrible symptoms when is it time to say "this cannot be still withdrawl"? Howmuch longer with this repair work take or is this as good as it gets for me.
  3. Hey everyone, i’m new to the website.I’m so glad i’ve found it now that i’m ready to taper. I’m sorry if i’m posting in the wrong topic. I’m being prescribed citalopram 20mg around 7months ago and i’m now ready to taper off as i feel theyhave already stopped working, and i want to do it with the 10% method. I’m currently taking tablets of 20mg(weight 0.18 g). Would it be better/easier switching to the liquid or i can make it with the tablet?should i crash it or dilute it in water? Did anyone experience bad withdrawals even using this method? Thank you so much for your help🙂
  4. I suffer from mental and emotional dullness after using depression and delirium medications, so that I used intermittently and for a short period of time, ecitalopram and arpiprazole. I do not feel the same as my previous feelings. Please help me from someone who has experience on how to get rid of these symptoms, especially the problem of concentration and forgetfulness. Thank you very much.
  5. Free from Zoloft and Benzos After 25+ Years of Use One-year post taper “success story” – http://survivingantidepressants.org Elbee (male) - August 27, 2020 At the time of this success story post, I have passed the one-year mark (15+ months) living drug-free. I am speaking to you from “the other side” of hell to let you know I made it through the nightmare of psychiatric drug withdrawal -- and so can you. I want to start by saying that everyone’s withdrawal from psychiatric drugs is going to differ – no two paths are the same. While there will be commonalities in what we each experience, there will also be differences. I also believe that none of us are uniquely or irreparably “broken,” and that each of us can find a path to living much fuller, healthier lives in greater freedom. To be clear, I had doubts throughout this process . . . believing that somehow, I was MORE “broken,” and that I wouldn’t find my way out of the darkness. But the natural, innate healing power we each possess is profoundly AWESOME, and it quietly, patiently works in the background in each of our lives. . . even if we can’t see it, and even if we don’t trust it. For me, the psychiatric drug withdrawal / tapering process turned out to be an invitation to learn how to live my life differently. It became clear to me in this journey that I could never go back to some idealized place I vaguely imagined myself clinging to . . . I could only move forward to somewhere I had not yet been. I need to be honest: It is still hard to revisit and write about just how painful this drug withdrawal process was. Now that I’m feeling so much better, a part of me wants to forget the whole ordeal . . . as if looking in a rear-view mirror, driving ever-further away. And the reality is that this rear-view mirror perspective is very much real -- I’m SO grateful not to be suffocating in such intense pain anymore! But it is also true I will carry the scars of this experience with me for the rest of my life. It is clear to me now that some of me died through this drug withdrawal process. It is also true that the most precious parts of me came back to life. And I am still healing. I was very much disabled through the most intensive parts of the drug taper. I was on these psych drugs for panic attacks, anxiety, and depression my entire adult life, over 25 years. Additionally, I was drinking alcohol abusively, and relying on multiple pots of coffee and a pack of cigarettes to get me through each day. Even before I had decided to get off the meds, I was utterly exhausted most of the time, barely functional, and unconsciously stumbling through life like a zombie. I knew I had to fundamentally change how I was living. The first step in my detox efforts was to quit alcohol in April of 2014, 30 years after taking my first drink as a kid. Thankfully, I was able to release alcohol from my life relatively easily. Whatever boost alcohol had given me previously was gone, and it was clear to me as a 44 year old man that the devastating hangovers I experienced were getting more difficult. Then, over that following summer and under doctor supervision, I “tapered” entirely off both the Lorazepam and Zoloft that I had been taking for 24 years. I experienced tons of anxiety in the process, but I did it, and after the 4-month ordeal, I thought I was in the clear. Unfortunately, about six weeks after taking my last dose of Zoloft, what I now know to be protracted withdrawal hit, and my life spun into a depth of hell that words cannot describe. Instead of re-instating the same drugs I had been taking, the doctors took me on an 8-month “trial-and-error” roller coaster ride of psychiatric drug experimentation. I finally ended up on higher doses of the drugs I had originally quit, plus Remeron added in for good measure. Through all of this, I landed in a very bad place – exhausted, functionally disabled, unable to work, and unsure what to do next. I had some savings in the bank I could live on for a few years, so I decided to “hole up” to do a new taper, following the much slower tapering protocol of the SurvivingAntidepressants.org website. But my savings were limited, so I used the 10% reduction protocol as a baseline, and pushed the taper as fast as I could without killing myself in the process. I’m not sure I would suggest this approach to anyone else, but in my situation, that’s what I did. Note: I’m going to refrain from listing out all the symptomatic horrors I experienced (there were many) as I write this success story. Here is the link, if you’re interested, to my introductory thread which details my four-year psychiatric drug withdrawal process: https://www.survivingantidepressants.org/topic/11862-%E2%98%BC-elbee-25-years-of-meds/ And I want to take a moment here to say how incredibly grateful I am to @Altostrata, @Shep @brassmonkey, @bubble, @apace41, @Gridley, @Rhiannon (her writings), @JanCarol, @KarenB, @ChessieCat, @Petunia, @scallywag and all the folks at SurvivingAntidepressants.org who helped save my life. I also came across Robert Whitaker’s book, Anatomy of an Epidemic around the same time I found this site, and from these resources, I knew I had stumbled into truth. It became clear to me that so much of what the mainstream medical establishment had told me about these drugs, and about my so-called “chemical imbalance,” was false -- I had been lied to. SurvivingAntidepressants.org helped me anchor into this truth and set me on a new course. THANK YOU! With these new resources, I came to understand that getting off the drugs wasn’t just a simple matter of refraining from ingesting chemicals, or even about waiting for those chemicals to dissipate out of my body. I learned that my brain had restructured itself around the presence of the drugs all these years and that by removing the drugs, my brain would have to, very slowly, restructure itself again to a healthy state. The metaphor of a plant (my brain) growing on a trellis (the drugs) for support is so profound to me. How can I expect to abruptly rip out the trellis and think that it won’t damage the plant in devastating ways? This metaphor was such a clear illustration to me of how a neuroplastic human brain builds tolerance, and how we can so easily become entangled in the physiological mechanisms of addiction. And to be very clear, our brains develop tolerance to psychiatric drugs just like they do street drugs, and the mechanics of addiction and withdrawal in each are the same. Gaining this knowledge and allowing it to sink in was probably one of the most important early milestones in my healing process. In preparing for writing this success story, I re-read my entire introductory thread. Several pivotal posts stood out to me as other milestones in my healing process, and while this testimonial might go long, I think it could be useful to touch on some of them . . . In my very first post, I am already talking about the value of meditation. Sitting with myself quietly and focusing on my breath helped me slow down my mind and learn to relax. As I continued with the practice, though, I began experiencing periods of discomfort. I had initially taken the psychiatric drugs to avoid feeling uncomfortable feelings, and as I practiced meditating space was again created for those feelings to arise. Learning to slowly sit with and tolerate whatever thoughts and feelings arose began to nullify my need to run away, and therefore, lesson my urge to drug the discomfort. Meditation became a cornerstone of my self-care practice, and self-care is what I ultimately found to replace the drugs. Next milestone -- about a year later, I wrote an entry about a decision I was struggling with on whether to consult with a renowned psychiatrist. A relative was able to get me an appointment for a psychiatric medication evaluation from a “leader in the field” (at the bargain price of $2,000). Looking back, it was then I decided I no longer believed in the efficacy of psychiatric drugs, nor the system that deals in them. I wrote: Next, in the summer of 2016, still early in my tapering and recovery process, I went on a 111-day, 9,000-mile solo road trip across the U.S. In retrospect, I was probably looking for something “out there” that was missing “in here.” I did a four-day vision fast in the wilderness, hiked a 14,000-foot mountain, roamed Death Valley, did a week-long silent meditation retreat, camped under redwoods, hiked numerous National Parks, etc. Was it really a good idea to take this pilgrimage in such a compromised state? I can’t say for sure, but it’s what I did, and I think it cracked through defenses that needed to open. In the Hoh Forest of Olympic National Park in Washington state, I experienced a release of emotions like I had never felt before. It was in that moment I finally realized that releasing stored emotional blockages could ease my anxiety: Another milestone: Upon returning home to Florida later that fall, I dove more deeply into my involvement with the Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families (ACA) 12-Step program. In conjunction with doing EMDR with a skilled, compassionate trauma therapist, ACA helped me crack through layers of protective childhood denial that I had carried into adulthood. Some people advise NOT deliberately digging into the unconscious too much while going through psychiatric drug withdrawal, but my path has been that of heavy digging. I accepted living in a disabled state for a period of time and felt that if I was going to get off these drugs, I needed to address what drove me to take them in the first place. By early summer of 2017, my commitment to this recovery approach had strengthened. Along with addressing the trauma associated with childhood family dysfunction, I opened another door . . . into the shame and terror I experienced hiding as a closeted young gay boy and gay teen. I had initially come out 25 years earlier at age 20 (the same time I started taking the psych drugs), but that was only part of my truth I was hiding. The secrets of my sexual orientation were built upon the secrets of having grown up in family dysfunction: Homophobia turned out to be compounding trauma, and I had been living in a closet within a closet. I had more inner work to do. Perhaps one of my most significant milestones was realizing how important it was for me to take the lead in my healing, and how easily I had deferred to the “expertise of authorities” in my life. By June of 2017, I had navigated my way off the benzos completely, and I recognized the importance of building an internal sense of trust – connecting with my more authentic self to discover a new inner compass. Despite appearing outwardly confident most of my life, inner trust was something I lacked. By allowing myself to fully feel, I had opened to recognizing my own authentic needs, to directly and respectfully communicating my needs, and to setting healthy limits and boundaries. By learning these important skills that I had missed earlier in life, I discovered greater internal trust with myself, and greater discernment in trusting others. By January of 2018, I had another important insight: I more fully recognized I was going through an internal chemical withdrawal process in addition to detoxing from the drugs I was ingesting. Behavioral (or process) compulsions and addictions all have physiological and neurological correlates, and I had been heavily “dosing” throughout my life using my own “internal drug store.” This realization profoundly shifted my perspective on my psychiatric drug withdrawal process, seeing it in a more comprehensive context. A lot of my recovery has involved working with an “inner critic” that had been driving me most of my life, born and sustained from a lack of unconditional love. Ironically, this harshness was so pervasive that I had never consciously known it was there. My inner critic constantly pushed me into the extremes of all-nothing thinking. Again, meditative practices more than anything helped me identify this was going on, and ACA reparenting (inner child work) has allowed me to soften it. By the end of 2018, I started discovering something that had evaded me my whole life – moderation, and a general sense of “OK-ness.” By April 2019, I had found a new pace in life to accompany my new inner compass, and I was nearing the full completion of my psychiatric drug taper. I was one-year benzo-free at this point, and at times, I was overwhelmed with heights of new sensations and emotions. I was feeling things I hadn’t experienced since I was a teenager because I had been drugged my entire adult life. It was overpowering in many ways, but I was so grateful to be “awakening” to a much more fully human life. On April 28, 2019, I was finally free from Zoloft, and my psychiatric drug taper was complete. I had found a way out of the darkness, and I had survived. I couldn’t remember having ever felt so alive. So, while this isn’t my entire recovery story, I’m fulfilling my promise to report back and share my continuing journey with others. Where do things stand today, 15 months after taking a psychiatric drug for the last time ever? No need to panic. I’m not experiencing depersonalization, derealization (DP/DR), or panic attacks in frightening ways. I do still feel what I might call different states of consciousness, but often there is a positive, expansive quality to these experiences. Perhaps some might call this bliss? I haven’t really found ways to talk about it yet clearly, but I don’t experience panic attacks in the ways I used to. I still have fears of them returning, but less so with time. I also get “eerie” feelings now and again, but I have found ways to work with that when it happens, and it doesn’t usually last long. Scariest weirdness has ceased. Most of the “unexplainable” adverse reactions I experienced don’t happen anymore. I would get terrible flu-like symptoms for days at a time . . . hot flashes and chills, body aches, cramps, twitches, headaches, fogginess and disorientation, exhaustion, etc. Sometimes my heart would start racing for no apparent reason, or I would have trouble breathing. I had chronic digestion issues. I had intense agoraphobia, even paranoia at times. I had problems making the simplest decisions. All of this, for the most part, has subsided. Consistent rest. My sleep has changed dramatically, and I’m so grateful. I have struggled with sleep my entire life . . . unable to fall asleep at night and feeling anxious and “hungover” with crippling anxiety each morning. For as long as I can remember, I wanted nothing more than to sleep “normally” from 10 p.m. to 6 a.m. and wake-up feeling well-rested. Today, more times than not, my sleep resembles very much what I used to wish for. I wrote an entry summarizing what I’ve done to address my sleep issues here. Keep gently working with triggers. I still have intense anxiety at times and find myself in hypervigilant states. I’ve come to understand this as a trauma response, and I can usually identify what has triggered me and/or how my inner critic has become activated. I’ve developed self-care routines that help to reduce these reactions, and that help me come out of this state much more quickly and easily. Some old wounds have healed permanently – some things that used to trigger me no longer do. AND I want to emphasize there are days now, thankfully, I live virtually anxiety-free. Self-care (reparenting) is my new drug. I had SO much resistance to doing self-care my whole life (for many reasons I won’t get into here). And by self-care, I don’t mean treating myself to a spa day (though that probably doesn’t hurt). I mean the day-in and day-out routines of physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually tending to myself like I’m the most precious being in the world. Self-care is what got me to where I am today, and it will be the practice of my lifetime. Don’t overdo it. As my life continues to get fuller, I can easily start “checking-out” again. If I stay dissociated for too long, I will pay for it. If I overcommit while on autopilot, I will have adverse reactions when I reconnect with myself. If I try to shortcut too much on the self-care, I will most definitely feel it, and I will struggle. Moving forward, I have to be very careful not to take on too much too quickly, and simply take next best steps. The worst is over. I’ve come to accept that I will never know how much of the excruciating symptoms I experienced these past years were due directly to the psychiatric drug withdrawal, versus how much was due to all the “inner work” I was doing. What I can say is that the symptoms from folks going through psychiatric drug withdrawal and folks doing inner transformative (trauma) work tend to be very much the same. It’s uncanny really, and I can’t explain it. But these two processes seem to very much mirror each other. What I can say is that while there will still be “windows and waves” as my brain keeps healing, and while I still have more “inner work” to do, I’m confident the heaviest lifting for me is done now. Perhaps most indicative of the healing I’ve experienced, I’m feeling well enough now that I’m back in school earning a Master’s in Social Work (MSW) – I’m going to become a therapist. While I’m a bit uneasy stepping towards healthcare systems that betrayed me so deeply, I also feel this is how I can be of most benefit. I’ve come to fully believe that my wounds are intrinsically linked to my gifts, and as I continue to heal my wounds, my gifts will become increasingly available. I’ve been doing volunteer work for some time now, which has helped me to “move back out into the world,” and I hope to transition into paid work soon. I’ve been meeting with people in support capacities, and I envision “coaching” people at some point until I more formally earn my credentials. I plan to be very open about my history with psychiatric drugs, as well as my recovery process. I journaled extensively all throughout my recovery process, and perhaps I will share the “long version” of my story in the future (yes, this is the short version). For now, writing this success story is an important next step in my “coming out.” Thank you for witnessing my healing. Elbee-Success-Story_Free from Zoloft and Benzos After 25 years on them.pdf
  6. Hi all, I am a 29 years old female working full time in the mental health field in USA. I started Lexapro/escitalopram 20mg back in 2010 for panic attack, moderate anxiety and mild depression when I was 21 years old. It initially helped me lift my mood and get rid of somatic symptoms. I have been maintaining 20mg for 7 years without much side effects. And I still have regular emotions when situations raise. In 2017, my PCP suggest lowering the dosage since my life is stable and I have more life experiences after these years. By the way, lexapro is the only medication I take; I have overall good health and live a healthy lifestyle (low sugar diet, exercise, no alcohol or smoking, supportive friends & families). Here is a history: 2010-2017: 20mg daily. Did fine for those years without much symptoms ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Family doctor recommended tapering in June 2017 Below is tapering instructed by doctor 6/2017 - 12/2017: 20mg & 10mg every other day, No WD symptoms 12/2017 - 2/2018: 10mg daily, Anxiety and hormone imbalance 2/2018 - 7/12/2018: Restated 15mg daily, No WD symptoms --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Below is tapering by myself 7/12/2018 - 8/8/2018: 15mg & 12.5mg every other day alternate, No WD symptoms 8/9/2018 - current: 12.5mg daily, experiencing managable WD symptoms: palpitation, brain fog/tightness, diarrhea(stopped on 8/23/18, back to normal bowel movement), dreams, mild obsessive thought. No mood disturbance. I am waiting for current symptoms to subside, and I will use a slower tapering schedule -10% after this. OTHER INFO: Tapering method: cut pills and weigh using digital scale Supplement: fish oil Coping: exercise, meditation, talk to my support network, inform and update people around me of my tapering & ask them to monitor me. Mindset: symptoms are temporary, change is happening everyday, slow and steady. I am happy to find this place where we can share recovery stories and support. Life is a long journey, let's take little step everyday Here is a sheet I use to track symptoms using 0-10 scales.
  7. I've been on SSRIs (first paxil, then prozac) for 20 years now, and over that time I've had 2 persistent, untreatable nerve injuries, and a bizarre twitch that happens in my thigh. All of these have defied exhaustive attempts at medical diagnosis or treatment; they have just been called neurological issues of unknown origin. After exploring every conceivable option in standard medicine, alternative medicine, multiple surgeries, and every type of treatment I can possibly think of, I've started wondering if the issues could be caused by the long-term usage of SSRIs. Have anyone else experienced bizarre, untreatable chronic pain issues that were caused by their SSRI usage? Or has anyone here encountered such information online? I'm wondering if this is something I should pursue. thanks, Bart
  8. So I dont know where to start, so i guess ill just jump right into it straight away. I'm a 21 year old guy and im in my 3rd year of university. I was prescribed Citalopram 10mg when i was 20 years old for anxiety. I never really had any depression or any other mental problem, apart from the anxiety, which kind of affected my life a bit. Nothing i couldnt manage, but still decided to try out SSRI's to see whether they would help. My doctor prescribed me 10mg Citalopram and it took a while for it to work, about 4 months. Honestly, i felt great after that period of time, i was still kinda myself, but without the constant worry and shortness of breath when i was in social situations, especially presentations and job interviews. Then, something went wrong. The anxiety was still under control and I felt very confident, but my emotions started becoming numb. I no longer felt happiness the same way, like i could still tell that i was happy, but it was like kinda meh happy. I stopped enjoying things i used to love, like gym, running, video games, writing music, etc. I kinda became complacent with everything, but not in a good way. I stopped striving for success, because i constantly had this fake euphoric feeling like everything is always gonna be alright, so i dont need to worry about achieving anything. Anyway, I went to my doctor again and got prescribed 20mg Citalopram after using 10mg for 6 months. That dosage didnt really do anything apart from introduce procrastination and anger. I became very snappy and always delayed everything until the last minute. (I used to be the type to finish everything on day 1 and then relax). That apathy feeling of not wanting do anything also increased. I just simply stayed patient, hoping that my brain will adjust to the new dosage. I waited 3 months and although i felt ok-ish, something felt off. Even my friends told me that i kinda became boring. I used to be this euphoric, overly excited class clown and then months later became this sleepy depressed guy. Also, got this crazy brain fog which made me really incompetent at things i used to excel at. Used to be a human calculator back in school, then after 9 months on SSRI's could barely do 7x7. My memory was impaired, libido non existent, ED, speech slur, and a bunch of other BS i never had. The worst part was that i could no longer write music. Before, i would be able to come up with lyrics in my head no problem, whereas after SSRI's, my brain was just silent, its like there was no thought processes going on in my skull anymore. Went to my doctor again, and tried a different SSRI. I got prescribed 100mg Sertaline and used that for 2 months, which kinda worked better than citalopram but when it did start working, i started experiencing withdrawals from Citalopram, which kinda oversaturated the effectiveness of this new SSRI. So I went back to doctor again and got prescribed 10mg Citalopram again, since that had the best effect on me in the first 4-6 months i started using them. Long story short, I started withdrawing due to minimising my dosage, so i kind of reached this F it moment and said "im done". I did a quick taper of 3 weeks. 2 weeks of 5mg and 1 week of 2.5 mg and i just quit. To make it clear, I did 6 months of 10mg Cit, 3 months of 20mg Cit, 2 months of 100mg Sert, and finished off with 10mg Cit again. This is where my visit to hell happened. Im going to keep this short for those who are like me and cant be bothered reading long paragraphs, so ill give you my withdrawal timeline. First 3.5 months - pure hell. Brain impairment, which included the usual things you hear. Crazy bain dog (I felt completely stupid, like an inexperienced 8 year old in a 21 year old body) All grades went down. Went from the brightest student, to an absolute abomination of a human. The worst symptom was irritability. The amount of arguments and things i broke in a span of 3.5 months is just crazy. Fought a bunch of men who tried dating my mother. Also started losing a bit of hair, which fortunately started growing back, and pretty much every other symptom you see here, like depersenalisation, dissociation, atpathy, etc. Around the 4 month mark, i started getting the windows and waves pattern. So there were days where i felt ok-ish and then other days where it was back to the pure hell experienced in the first 3.5 months. This lasted to about the month 5 month mark. Around 5 months, still windows and waves but now the windows were longer and waves shorter. Still experienced some brain fog and irritability. Around 5.75 month mark, my old personality started coming back. Irritability started vanishing. More positive outlook on life came back. IQ started increasing back up, so i no longer felt a bit daft. Actually started enjoying things again. Now, im around the 6.5 month mark, maybe 6.75 and i feel even better. I havent experienced that withdrawal feeling (YET). There are days where i feel a bit odd, like not myself but they only last a day, maximum two. To conclude, I feel like the major withdrawal symptoms are gone, because i felt good for the past month. Not a single anger outburst, or days where i have brain fog. One thing that i still struggle with is a bit of ED and low libido, but i feel like that will improve over time. I still have that voice in my head telling me that another huge wave might hit me down the line, which scares me quite a bit, but im already so far into this recovery process that i dont really give a damn. I feel like i have another 10-15% left to recover, but honeslty this will do, compared to what i've went through. Anyway, i hope this encourages some people, and helps you get through this atrocious mental state, because i feel like if the withdrawals lasted any longer, i doubt i'd still be here honeslty. I just wanted to share this for anyone losing hope like i did, when i watched a bunch of YouTube vids of people saying how their withdrawals were over after like a month, and then there was me just dying 5 months later. Ps. Ignore the horrible grammar, i was typing this super fast.
  9. Hello! After months/year of trying to figure out whats wrong with me, i finally bumped across this web page and now it all makes sense. I have some questions that I would desperately like to have an answer for and I hope you can help because I feel hopeless. Let me give my intro first. I am male, born in 87'. Zoloft 50mg December 2005 - November 2006 (11 months) When I was 18 I had severe panic attacks and experienced depersonalization. I believe this was all related to stress I was going thru at a time. Doctors of course never heard of derealization and said I was depressed and gave me Zoloft 50mg. I can really say it helped at the time because in few months time I was feeling better. I dont remember much from that time because it was 17 years ago but I remember quitting it cold turkey after as doctors said and I know I didnt have and big withdrawal symptoms. Only a week of brain zaps and dizziness and I was ok after that. Zoloft 50mg- June 2009- December 2010 (18 months) Few years later, when I was 22, same thing happened again. I had panic attacks,waves of depression and derealization again and doctors gave me zoloft once more. At the time I was also smoking weed so it might have induced all that anxiety. It also helped me again in getting out of this mess. I was really at low bottom unitil I started taking those pills. I couldnt get out of the house because of anxiety, I couldnt eat, I lost 14 kilos in 3 months time. I dropped out of college... So zoloft really lifted my spirits and got me back on track. I was taking it for around a year and a half before I felt I dont need it any more and I did some sort of quick taper and went off. Believe me, no one ever told me about tapering. Doctors told me that if I feel ok, I can just stop taking it further. I remember having few withdrawal symptoms as brain zaps,dizziness,mild anxiety and concentration/cognitive problems but it all went away,one by one, in couple of months time. But one thing persisted after all others, it was lowered libido and slighty lower concentration. It wasnt like I didnt have libido at all but it was lowered like for about 50%. Drug-free (9 years) After that, when I was 24 I started going out every weekend and started drinking a lot of alcohol, doing cocaine,generally I started having time of my life in terms of partyjing. And it went on all the way until recently. Each weekend full of cocaine and alcohol. And adding in benzos at the end of party night to ease my cocaine crashes here and then. In all my life I have been professional hockey player and also having a 9 to 5 job besides that. Zoloft 25/50mg - June 2019-March 2021 (20 months) In January of 2019 I decided I it was enough and I needed to change my lifestyle. So I abruptly stopped all partying and dedicated myself to total training regime and eating healthy food and concentrating on work. And I started to feel great! I met I girl, who is my fiancee now, and fel in love for the first time since high school. I was on top of the world. But it only lasted for a couple of months. Then anxiety and depression waves started to take me over. I didnt know why that happened. I was assured that I had to feel good because now I started living a healthier drug-free life for the first time in almost a decade. I ignored it in hope it would all go away but it didnt. It was getting worse. It was probably some form of PAWS after stopping taking cocaine and alcohol every few days. But it didnt realise that at a time. Each of having those symptoms left me miserable. Also, my libido and concentration, which never returned to 100% after quitting zoloft in 2010. were even more affected. I was at a highly responsible managerial position job, having my hockey career at its peak, having a girl I was in love with and having to pay for mortgage. So I just couldnt let myself sink to the dark again like I did in 2009. and risking loosing all of those things. And with everyday symptoms getting worse, it was evident I was getting closer to that. So I decided to take zoloft once again in June 2019. I started at 25mg(splitting 50mg pills at half). And symptoms kinda went away. Also, my libido returned. Also, my concentraion returned. I was so happy. It was for first time in almost a decade my penis felt totally connected to my mind. And my mind was working brilliantly. I felt like I was a supercomputer. I could remember anything and was able to solve all the mind challenging obstacles. But it lasted only for about month or so. After that i started having anxiety and panics again... So i lifted a dose to 50mg(whole pill) and that eased anxiety for me. I stayed on 50mg for few months when anxiety returned again. I didnt know what to think. I said myself if I keep lifting a dose like this i might end up on 200mg in few months time and I dont want that. So maybe this pills are causing me anxiety I tought. So I cut the dose to 25mg again. And felt anxiety weaken shortly after that. Great I tought. But again in few weeks it returned, so I lifted up to 50mg again and it eased anxiety again. So I was going back and forth fluctuating between 25 and 50mg. I was generally listening to my mind and body and adjusting dose regarding to my anxiety levels. Sometimes it meant staying on single dose for months and sometimes it meant only for days or so. It all lasted until November 2020 when couldnt feel benefits anymore. Its not just that i couldnt feel the benefits, my mental health deteriorated a lot graduately. I started to feel down, ruminating, no libido, hostile towards my fiance and family, aversion to work, social anxiety, low energy etc... At that time I felt like I have to quit Zoloft but I was scared it would only make things worse. So I hanged on for a couple more months until I decided to get off it for good in March 2021. I tapered by listening to my mind and body as I didnt know any other way. So from 50mg at a time i cut to 25 for few weeks. After I felt no physical symptoms (mental symptoms were already there for some time), I missed a dose for a few days. After 3 days I felt dizziness and took 25mg again. Those symptoms went away immediately. Then I was not taking for 5 days and dizziness came back. Then I took 25mg again. Symptoms went away again. Then they came back after 7 days. I took 25mg again. After that dizziness never returned and I never took pill again. So I started psychoanalitic therapy in May. At that time I didnt know all those symptoms were from withdrawal syndrome. So I drinked alcohol to give me relief and took cocaine for few times. I only recently, few weeks ago, found out that all of my symptoms are from Withdrawal syndrome. After that conclusion, I never drank alcohol or took any drugs again. I know now that I have to stay away from those thing in order to have some hope in recovery. So now I am in a state in which I have this symptoms: -mood swings -DP/DR -high agitation which turns into anger and hostility which wont go away so quickly -Anxiety attacks -Extreme nostalgia (one of most common symptoms), I even feel nostalgia for yesterday! Even nothing good happened yesterday! -Depression waves -Low libido -No self esteem -Non stop overanalysing every move I make and every tought i have -Anhedonia -Food cravings. I gain 10 kilos in one year -Hostility towards work, I hate going to my workplace and find no interest in job I do -Identity loss- maybe the worst symptom of all... I really dont know how to deal with that and that produces low self esteem. -Feeling so low when I see others enjoying life and having interests and passions... - I think everyone is better then me -oversleeping It is interesting that my concentration is now way better then it was before i started taking zoloft. Even now after I quit taking it. It seems it improved permanently by taking zoloft. I have NO psychical symptoms. Only mental this is how i feel: In 65% of time I feel , i like to call it, LOW NEUTRAL. It means I have all those symptoms from list above but they are something I can live with. It means I can work and do all the stuff I need to do. (Is this WD Normal as you call it?) In 25% of time I feel extreme anxiety or depression which are overwhelming and paralyzing. Although they dont stop me from working and going about my day, those emotions are so extreme I sometimes get dhiarrea of it. In 7% of time I feel good. Like I am 95% back to my normal self again. in 3% of time I feel 100% normal and those moments are so nice and they keep me going all this time. They are my fuel. When I dont see reason to live I remember those few nice moments/days which I had. Are these waves and windows which i described? Right now I feel depressed for last 2 weeks. I have trouble getting out of bad and I eat a lot. In the morning its worst and gets better towards end of the day. Please answer these questions for me, I feel desperate: 1. Can I develop some other mental illness out of this? 2. Do I have to cut alcohol out for the rest of my life? I sometimes want to drink so hard to give me a relief... 3. Are all of these emotions which come to me out of the blue (agitaion,anxiety,depression, feeling of no self worth etc..) something which I havent dealt with earlier in my life so they are coming back now or its just a reaction to brain healing and triggering them randomly? 4. Will psychotherapy help or is it just a waste of money? 5. Does this affect my genes and seamen? My fiancee and I want to have children and when I have some of my good days and libido I wonder if we can try to make baby? 6. Is it normal that I didn't feel alcohol? 7. Does it matter that I already came of Zoloft twice in my life before? I know about kindling effect and wonder if it is going to make it harder this time or should I think that my brain already knows this situation and how to repair so it will repair more easily? 8. Each time I have Waves, they tend to get even worse. And windows tend to get even happier. Is that normal? Why is this so? 9. THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION: Should I reinstate? I mean I didnt feel any benefits of pill (except for first few months), so would that be a good idea? Its been 7 months since I last took pill 10. Have my healing process started or the worst is yet to come? Thank you in advance for your time. I really hope to answers to my questions. Sorry for my english, its not my first language. I have already read this: Instructions: Withdrawal History Signature Dr Joseph Glenmullen's WD Symptoms Checklist about-reinstating-and-stabilizing-to-reduce-withdrawal-symptoms what-is-withdrawal-syndrome The only supplements which SA recommends are Magnesium and Omega-3 Fish Oil . Tips for Tapering Zoloft The Windows and Waves Pattern of Stabilization
  10. ________________________________________________ See this post regarding mouthguard issues ________________________________________________ Hi there, all through my withdrawal my right ear has felt blocked,although is actually isnt so my doc says, but since last October i feel like my ears have both become a lot worse, constant pressure/pain in both. Today it is driving me insane as the pain is in my ears, head,jaw and gums. Ok so iv had allergies all my life ie hay fever and cat allergies but can never remember it affecting my ears like this so im not sure if seasonal allergies are to blame, but then again it was snowing this winter and they were bad then too. This comes and goes but seems to be pretty persistent for the last 9 months now and it isn't shifting. Does anyone else suffer badly with their ears? i know the blocked feeling is common in withdrawal but not sure if many have the pressure?
  11. Hi there This is my first post here so apologies if I'm posting this in the wrong place. I'm currently in withdrawal from citalopram which I stopped taking 18 months ago. For the first 6 to 9 months I had the windows and waves pattern. But from around 9 months off the medication onwards the windows and waves have stopped and I've been in a constant state win a number of symptoms. My symptoms are insomnia, lack of appetite stomach and bowel problems, complete emotional blunting, constant sexual dysfunction, fatigue, eyesight problems like blurred vision and some visual disterbance particularly in my left eye and there are other symptoms but those are the main ones. I'm in a constant state with these symptoms which I have been in for around a year now with no windows and waves at all. I'm just a little bit confused about why I'm not getting the windows and waves anymore and what this means or if anyone else has any experience with this? I know the windows and waves are a commonly reported part of this so I'm a bit confused about why I'm not getting this anymore. If anybody knows anything on this subject would be great to hear from you. Thanks and take care xx
  12. Healthanxiety101

    Persistent genital arousal disorder (PGAD)

    Hi all, I just thought I'd make a topic where, hopefully, all of us with the same symptoms can come together in one place and give our experience and anything that may or may not have helped during this difficult time. I have struggled to find similar stories elsewhere on the Internet bar a few rare instances here and there. Until I found this site. My symptoms personally are that I have a constant urge to urinate, even after going. The feeling never really let's up although in the evenings it tends to calm down slightly most of the time. This all started when I was on 20mg of Citalopram and I have currently been off them for 3 months and still have the same symptoms. In the beginning I had burning after urinating, not during. It was when I'd put the little soldier back in my boxers that I would experience this. I can hold the pee fine. Some days my bladder fills up rather quickly and others it's just the constant urge. I also had the exact same experience when I was on 20mg of Citalopram in 2015. It took about 8 months to go but it did go. I have never experienced this problem any other time in my life. So anyone else with similar/same symptoms or experiences feel free to pitch in down below so we can beat this thing together. Also I'd like to hear a few success stories to give us the motivation we need to carry on through this, as it is horrendous. I have felt suicidal a fair few times with this. Thanks for reading, sorry for the long post! Here's to healing ❤
  13. Hello all, I am fairly new this forum. Im a 35 yo female living in Singapore, currently Im facing challenges on tapering off Lexapro. back story : I was prescribed a mixture of medicines in October 2017 for GAD. Back then I have never think of anything wrong with it as I trusted my psychiatrist (BIG horrible mistake). My mixture is listed below : amytriphiline 7 mg frixitas (alprazolam) 0.25 mg lexapro (cipralex) 10 mg I took it as prescribe without even knowing the dangers of coming off these devils. in April 2020, I was ready to be off this medicine because Im planning to get pregnant, I told my psychiatrist and She said I can just stop it CT. The next day I was feeling angry and easily agitated, and I feel so weak. I didnt even know that these all are withdrawal symptoms.. In early June 2020, I started to get really depressed and suicidal, and my anxiety skyrocketed. I cannot sleep anymore, I lost my appetite and I kept losing weight. I feel like dying, It was extremely horrible and I wouldnt even want to wish it on my worst enemy. I called 5 psychiatrists (the wellknown ones) and describef my symptoms, ALL of them said I was in relapse. They confidently told me it was not withdrawals. I trusted them and went back to my original psychiatrist and reinstate the whole thing. But only for 10 days I weaned off the amytripiline and alprazolam. I waited and listen to my body, I was unwell and I have this weird headache that is constantly bothering me. It was tightening my scalp. August 19, 2020 - I have commited myself to wean off the Lexapro. I was on 10 mg and my psychiatrist told me to taper off as below : 1 month : 10 mg to 7.5 mg 1 month : 7.5 mg to 5 mg 1 month : 5 mg to 2.5 mg 2.5 mg to 0 I googled and got alot of informations thus I found this site. so August 19, I cut 25% to 7,5 mg. So far I have experienced : -constant headache -sensitive to light -irritability -vertigo (this is the worst so far) -nausea -dizzyness Some days are okay but these 2 days when the vertigo hit I am practically bedbound. I read the 10% very slow taper method. But I am sad because it will take sooooo long to get rid of this poison as my time is ticking and I really want to have a baby. I am sad right now and I regretted the day I went to the psychiatrist and took their advice.. how could they do this to us.. My life is deteriorating now as I am feeling very down and confused. I dont want to struggle with these for many years as I grow older the chances of having a baby will be lessened.. please help me....
  14. Hi all, In 2013 I received the diagnosis of Generalized Anxiety Disorder when I started having therapy for the first time in my life - I was 23 then. I've been anxious through my teens and early adulthood, and also suffered from bouts of low mood, but did not think much of it - I thought it was just how I was. In 2013 because I was at a particularly bad phase in college, I went to a psychiatrist through which I started taking 20mg Lexapro (I take the generic - Escitalopram). Everything improved a lot. Anxiety greatly reduced, mood also better, more drive to do stuff. And basically no side effects. So I kept taking it religiously, and basically forgot about it. About 3 years later, it started to bug me that I was taking a drug to keep myself mentally stable. I knew nothing about how bad the withdrawals from this type of drug were, and I felt good, so I just cold turkey'd - 20 to 0. You can imagine how this goes. After some days I was hit by what I thought was the worst flu I had ever had. I could not leave bed. That was odd. Didn't think just stopping that drug would cause that, as the effect of the drug is pretty much non-noticeable (it's not like taking a benzo where you feel drowsy and so on) and you just feel pretty much like the normal you. Either way, just to be safe I went back on the 20mg and all the symptoms disappeared after some time and again I did not think much about it anymore. I think I attempted cold turkeying again after some time just to experience exactly the same symptoms. So I thought "alright, this really is the Lexapro, not a flu". From then on I started being more uncomfortable for taking the Lexapro. Here's this drug that apparently makes me feel stable, but I stop taking it and I'm completely wrecked. This doesn't feel right. So in 2018 I started a slow tapper, or at least what I considered a slow tapper. I was reducing around 2.5mg every month or every other month. I was going linearly - no percentage reduction. That was the logical thing for me to do as my doctor never told me about the liquid form of Lexapro and with the tablets available where I live it's impossible to do a precise lower division lower than 2.5mg. Throughout the tapper I felt what I now acknowledge as withdrawal symptoms, but again I did not think much of it. I was in a difficult life situation, living abroad and always extremely stressed, so I thought the life situation was what was causing that. In May 2019, I was down to already 2.5mg. Not feeling that well, but that was such a low dose that I thought it was insignificant and dropped to zero. This overlapped with a break-up and with starting a job that was really quite demanding. That's when I got into hell. I started waking up at night with panic attacks. In the morning my arms and legs were burning - I felt the anxiety burning my body. I just wanted to leave my body and my mind, that feeling was just too unbearable. Crying non-stop, huge feelings of rage - I just wanted to destroy stuff and just felt this huge urge sometimes to beat up anyone that did something even mildly annoying (and mind that I've always been quite a controled person - this was not at all me). I also had muscle spasms, couldn't digest anything properly and lost a bunch of weight. I had never been so thin in my life. That's when I started thinking I had to have something serious in my brain - I even forgot about the Lexapro then - I thought I was developing a neurological disease. This person was not me. My psychiatrist had tried to put me on other antidepressants - Fluvoxamine and Mirtazapine. None of them worked. Then I was put back on the Lexapro (only 10mg). And I wasn't seeing much improvement on my state. I started becoming suicidal. I did not want to go through the realization that I had a disease that would invalidate me for the rest of my days. I was going to doctor after doctor, doing exam after exam, and they didn't seem to find anything wrong which left me feeling even more helpless. I thought that was never going to end. I started thinking every day about suicide. That's all I thought about. I just could not bear that reality. That's when I told my parents - "I need to be checked in at the hospital. I won't last much longer like this." So I was checked in at the hospital. Even the doctors who checked me in did not believe I was in such a bad state - I guess even in that state I kept my composure. I spent 2 weeks there, in what was the most horrible experience of my life. The people there were for sure much worse than I was - most of them had even lost touch with reality. But deep down I know this was the experience I needed to snap out of it. While I was there the doctor who was supervising me increased my Lexapro dose to 20mg. I became reeeaally sleepy after that. Just as I had become the first time I went into 20mg back in 2013. By then I still did not believe I did not have a horrifying disease. It was really hard to believe this was coming just from a psychological source. And it took quite long for me to become convinced that was the case. The months right after the hospital were tough. I was sleeping a lot - around 12 hours a day. Very, very slowly things started improving. Too slowly for me to even notice a difference. But little by little I started sleeping less, recovered my appetite, some days even saw a glimpse of contentment. At some point I was feeling good more often than I was feeling bad. I started exercising every day, having psychotherapy twice a week, taking supplements, getting sun light, meditating. Everything I could do to improve, I did. Around April of this year, I was already entering a pretty stable stage. Some days I still had energy and mood breaks which I had no idea where they came from and were pretty demotivating - now I realize they are likely something akin to the "waves" that I've seen mentioned here at SA. I also still had some lingering symptoms such as some vague leg pain here and there, as well as teeth pain. But those bad days and lingering symptoms started becoming more and more rare. So for some months I was doing really good. Feeling drive and contentment with life. Optimistic. Last month I had an appointment with my psychiatrist, and as I really want to be med-free he suggested that I attempted a new reduction again. At first he suggested me to drop to 15mg, but I thought it was better to go first down to 17.5mg instead. And that's the dosage I'm at right now. The reduction was not that large, but I can for sure feel the withdrawals - even though I know the reduction was larger than the 10% recommended here at SA - my next drops I will follow that guidance. After the drop to 17.5mg, I started having more of those down days. Also the days right afterwards I had rebound anxiety, which has already disappeared. Some days my energy and mood breaks. And I'm more irritable, less drive, etc. Also those lingering pains I mentioned are back sometimes. Furthermore, I feel like I can't train at the gym at the same level I did - even though my body weight and composition is exactly the same as it was before the drop to 17.5mg, I feel significantly less strength some days. So for now I will stick with cardio. Now I know much better than I did in the past and will wait to fully stabilize from the current withdrawal until I attempt another reduction. I am also building a sauna at my place, which I have read has many benefits for mood, so that's another resource I will have to deal with the tapering process. Hope this post can be useful for someone.
  15. NOSEXscitalopram I am a 23 years old male and I was prescribed antidepressants 2 years ago, which permanently damaged my sexuality. It was Spring 2017, after a stressful period of time caused by anemia, I began experiencing symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder. I started having depersonalization, a state in which a person feels "detached" from their mind, thoughts, and emotions. I tried psychotherapy for 2 months, but it was not beneficial for me at all, therefore my next decision was to make an appointment with a private psychiatrist. He prescribed me an antidepressant called ‘Escitalopram’ (also known under the brand names of Cipralex and Lexapro) and said that these medications were well tolerated and the ‘only side effects’ that most of his patients experienced was a dry mouth. A couple of days after starting the antidepressant, my genitals became numb and my sexual functioning decreased by around 50%. I literally felt like I was 90 years old! During my second appointment, I reported this side effect to the psychiatrist, and he reacted by prescribing a different antidepressant. Unfortunately, it was causing the same problem. We then tried a third one which caused more sexual side effects. I kept taking it for about 3 weeks and decided to quit as I had had enough. My psychiatrist informed me, that I might get withdrawal symptoms which are mild and last around a week. When I discontinued the medications, I went through hell! I experienced horrible brain zaps, anxiety, sadness, shaking, insomnia, sweating, and severe problems with concentration - it all lasted about 7 weeks. Additionally, the sexual side effects still persisted at that time - I thought that it could not be possible, so I visited my GP. I had all sorts of medical tests that revealed no abnormalities. Furthermore, I got back to my psychiatrist with the issue, who said that in some cases antidepressants cause permanent sexual dysfunctions. I was terrified. Then I got referred to a urologist, who confirmed that my problem was caused by the antidepressant and unfortunately there was no treatment for it. I am now stuck with permanent damage from these medications and there is no help for me and many sufferers at all. This issue was first reported to regulators in 1991 and the first time any regulator actually confirmed the problem and requested updates of all SSRI/SNRI leaflets was the European Medication Agency in May 2019. Still, there is no research into it and many GPs say that PSSD does not exist. How horrible life can be when you have a condition, which existence is denied by pharmaceutical companies and even medical professionals. I am in an anhedonia state, which negatively affected my progress at university, and destroyed my relationship. I do not think that I will ever be able to have my own family that I have always dreamt of. Antidepressants permanently damaged my sexuality and left me suicidal. But of course, these medications are still recognized as safe and there are more and more people who are prescribed and take them worldwide.
  16. Hello, you can call me King :). Someone from a discord server referred me to this discord server saying that you all would know what I'm going through and how i can deal with it.... So a few months back like October ish i joined an IOP program to help manage my anxiety. I had a whole group of doctors there (therapist, nurse, behavioral specialist, and a psychiatrist for medication management). Before joining this program i already had a psychiatrist who had put me on Lexapro 20mg, Gabapentin 100mg, and Intuniv 1mg (I think... i forgot the dosage for that last one if ima be honest). Anyways during my time at this IOP program that was all performed through Microsoft office the Psychiatrist took my off of all my meds, first Intuniv then gabapentin then Lexapro. The first two weren't bad as far as i could tell because I don't think they were addictive like SSRI's typically are, but then he took me off of Lexapro first cutting my 20mg dose into 10mg then a few weeks later he said i could just stop taking it all together. I didn't know any better so i just listened to the doctor but little did i know i was about to have one of the worst experiences of my life, keep in mind this was all during the end of November now. So i got off Lexapro and then i got discharged from the program because insurance didn't want to pay for it anymore. About a month later i started having horrible anxiety, TERRIBLE mood swings, nausea, bad body temp regulation, etc. Its been about 3 months now and its not as bad as it was when i first started but its still hard for me to function honestly. My anxiety is through the roof and all the progress I made during the IOP program was basically destroyed. I had my main psychiatrist call the other one that took me off the meds to chew him out and he said that it was a miscommunication and that I wasn't meant to come off of Lexapro (I found out what he told my psychiatrist last night), needless to say I am furious that hes trying to cover up for a massive error in judgement he made. Anyways I was wondering how long I should expect to be experiencing these withdrawals or any thoughts you may have? My psychiatrist wrote me a prescription for Klonopin last night so I'm hoping this will help me massively with all anxiety related issues.
  17. crhawks-xanax-problem Hello All, My story is rather long, so please bear with me...I am in desperate need of help. I took only one pill of 50 mg Zoloft to deal with anxiety and mild postpartum depression 3 months ago, and I have had horrible effects ever since. Has anyone else experienced this? Is there light at the end of the tunnel? It seems like very similar symptoms to those I have read of withdrawal. But it seems strange to have withdrawal after only one pill. Maybe an adverse reaction? I am feeling very hopeless, I feel as though my life has changed forever, and that this will never go away. My story is below...I'll try to shorten as much as possible, although it is somewhat difficult... I have a history since my teens of mild/moderate anxiety and depression. Since dealing with some health problems (anxiety) and the birth of my son (postpartum depression), my conditions worsened. Back at the beginning of October, I went into the ER for pain for a back/side issue I have been having for 18 months. They gave me a pain killer which did not help, so I was given Haldol, which I was told was a different type of drug that had off-label use for pain. I ended up having a horrible dystonic reaction to the drug that made my jaw continually smash itself, teeth chipped, had severe crushing anxiety, etc. Went back to the ER and they put me on a drug that counter-acted the reaction. (Of course I have since learned this is a terrible, horrible anti-psychotic med and never should have been given to me). Fast forward three weeks, and I was feeling back to normal. My doc decided to put me on Zoloft to help with my anxiety from all the health issues and the reaction, and we thought it might also help with the mild depression. She prescribed me 50 mg pills to be taken once daily. I took ONE PILL and was going crazy within an hour or so. Severe anxiety and nervousness, nausea, diarrhea, warm rushes through my body, but yet shivering, confusion, depersonalization, mania. It was hell. I read online that supposedly some of these things were normal for a couple weeks, but I was having very severe reactions. I decided I could not ever take another pill. I was told that I could take my Xanax to help with these symptoms, so I did that, but it did not help much. The reactions continued. I went to my doctor a couple days later and she had no idea what was going on. She said it should have been out of my system. I ended up going to the ER. They also were not sure what was going on. We realized it could take up to a week with the half life to get out of my system. A psychiatrist who was on call prescribed me Klonopin at night, Propranalol, and Xanax during the day. It helped to get me through, but that reaction lasted about 2 weeks. Then I began to normalize for about 4-5 days. I started weaning off the other drugs. Then I got a cold. I took some cold medicine for a couple days, and was full blown into another "attack"...everything returned. The severe anxiety/nervousness, the nausea and inability to eat, frequent stools, warm rushes, shivering, depersonalization, cloudy thinking, confusion. I again ended up in the ER. They again blamed my anxiety. However, I have never experienced any anxiety like this in my entire life. This was not anxiety. My anxiety in the past consisted mostly of worry and nervousness, no other physical or mental affects. And I was always better within a couple hours. I went to the psychiatrist and he said the same thing, and even wanted me to try an SSRI medication. I refused. I again went back on the Propranalol, Klonopin at night, and Xanax at day. It got me by, somewhat, but still was hell. Was another couple weeks before I was feeling closer to normal, with a few shorter lived "attacks". During these times, I am unable to work, unable to care for my children, unable to do anything but basically roll up in a ball. The anxiety and nervousness can be absolutely unbearable, I am not even able to describe it. I was doing fairly well for about 3 weeks. I did notice during that time that ibuprofen and my narcotic pain killer for my back would spring up some of these same symptoms, which had never happened before. I stopped taking all meds, other than Xanax as needed, which was not often. Then I had horrific pain in my back and took half a pain pill (two weeks ago). I felt some returning of symptoms the next day. By two days after, I was a bit better, but severely depressed with frequent crying spells. I was also getting my period though, so was emotional. I have terrible cramps due to endometriosis, so I had to take ibuprofen. I did okay, although was depressed and lethargic for two days. That second day, I had terrible cramps and took two ibuprofen and a tylenol. The next morning I woke up in another full blown attack. Warm burning/tingly feeling in my hands and face, severe nervousness/anxiety, depersonalization, feeling of living in a cloud, not really feeling "with it", nausea, food making me ill, shivering...sometimes the feelings come on like a bomb...very suddenly and severely. The Xanax helps, but it is always still there on the surface, and the depersonalization and not feeling "with it" never goes away. It has been 10 days now since the latest episode, and is not getting any better. (3 months total since my last and only Zoloft). I take a minimal amount of Xanax just to get me by, and go as long as I can before taking it in the morning. Usually I can only go until Noon, and that is pushing it. I have tried to go without the Xanax, just in case that is attributing to the condition continuing (although it didn't before) and it is just not possible for me to be without it at this point. It is absolutely unbearable without it. So I am unsure if I am having a withdrawal to only 1 pill , or just an adverse reaction that is long-term. I am scared and do not have much hope, especially since the doctors do not seem to understand what is going on or what to do - other than to medicate me more, which I know will only make it worse. Has anyone experienced something similar? Does anyone know what might be going on with me? Is there an average timeline to eventual recovery - or could this be permanent? I am very scared and feeling like my life as I knew it is over. Thank you for your time.
  18. Hi, all-- I am so grateful to have found this site. It is helpful to know that I'm not alone. This is my first post, I will try my best to be succinct. I'm a 42 y/o female. I've been on Zoloft for 12 years, anywhere from 50mg daily to 175mg. I'd say my average over the years is probably around 125mg daily. My signature has a breakdown of my history. I've also taken klonopin during this time, but I take it PRN as I have never agreed with the doc suggestions to take this med multiple times daily. So in terms of my average klonopin dosing, during acute anxiety or hospitalization I take it multiple times daily but otherwise I take it maybe once or twice a month (more or less). My pills are 0.5, but I have a sensitive system so I take one quarter of that or maybe a half. A full pill usually means I am heading into a major depressive episode or something pretty difficult is going on. I smoked marijuana for about 7 years, but had to stop that in July 2020 due to cannabinoid hyperemesis syndrome (CHS). Lastly, I began a magnesium supplement around July 2020, and it has greatly helped with daily anxiety. The difference has been pronounced for me. For the past five/six years or so, I noticed that I occasionally got facial tics when I wake up in the morning. They were small, brief, and random, usually my jaw jiggling or shutting, or my eyes shutting closed due to my cheeks lifting. I thought it might be the Zoloft, but I didn't look into it too much. Well, now I've looked into it and I'm terrified. For the past 6 months, I'd say, the tics have started to happen during the course of the day and not just when I wake up in the morning. A couple of days ago, I was lying in bed and my throat/esophagus just started twitching up and down a few times-- that one was scary. I have an HMO, so I am in the process of seeking out a holistic psychiatrist on my own. I've seen the list on this site, that's been very helpful! I have a few questions for anyone that can help: In your experience, is it okay to have a long-distance psych? Does it make a difference? I'd rather see someone who knows what they're doing and is far, far away than someone close by who doesn't know or believe in patient-centered care. How might this hamper care? Do the TD symptoms indicate that I should follow a quicker taper? Or is this a matter of doing the 10% and then waiting/hoping that TD symptoms don't get worse? Can klonopin cause TD? I haven't seen anything about this, but I'd love to hear others' experiences. I will ask my psych the same thing, but are there any supplements that folks here recommend to help with the taper? I've tried tapering once before back in 2011-2013 (I thought I was tapering slowly, but given the info we have now I can see I was most definitely not going slowly. I was also following bad advice about taking my SSRI "every other day" to even out the amount of med in my bloodstream), and had what I now recognize to be an acute and quickly-manifesting depressive episode as a result of withdrawal. I understand that everyone's body is different, but any experiences with supplements is very welcome. Of course I am impatient to get off of this drug which could now be causing me a lot of harm. I have done loads and loads of work with therapists on my PTSD and depression, but the Zoloft did help me with that at the beginning, very much. I have so many conflicting feelings, but fear overrides them all because I would very much love to retain my ability to swallow and chew voluntarily (the cosmetic fears are also there, but to a lesser degree). I am a Buddhist and humanist and practice daily in one way or another, but as I'm sure many of us know a strong depression can and will obliterate reason, faith, belief, you name it. Thankfully I have a wife who shares my beliefs, and she is a rock. Thank you so much for any help. I am terrified of this journey, but I am very heartened that at least I have others to share it with.
  19. Hi. I am sheepish to share, because I am starting a process which makes me vulnerable. I have been on SSRI's since the age of 12. fluoxetine (prozac)from 12-19, and escitalopram (lexapro) from 19-current. I am in week 2 of my tapering process and decided I need a support group. I started at 20mg of lexapro and am down to 15 . I took my last 20mg dose at 6am october 14. I am trying to consume any and ALL articles, videos, stories, words of encouragement ; and tips and tricks on tapering/ withdrawal coping. I am finding immense solace in distracting myself with other peoples stories and success . I have been documenting my process as so to have record of it and to swap stories with fellow patients. Please take a moment to share any tips or tricks on sleeping during withdrawal , as I am having great trouble with this especially. I have attached my week 1 update and hope you can link me with any of your vlogs, blogs or stories so I don't have to feel as alone in this as i currently do. Thank you so much for your time. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFVKDNUg4Mo&t=954s
  20. Hello, new member here, hoping to find some wisdom and support in my post medicated life! My medication history in a nutshell: I have been on antidepressants around 15 years, most of them lived on a combination of progressive Citalopram doses (10-40 mg), Bupropion 150XR, and Lorazepam 0.5 mg for occasional anxiety management. Began taper 6-1-2020 of Citalopram, completed 8-15-2020. Went off Bupropion 10-1-2020, did not taper due to extended release and significantly lower doses not readily available. Lorazepam was not used frequently enough to require and sort of cessation plan. The Citalopram taper was rough, as usual, something I tried and failed many, many, years ago. However, I did not get brain zaps this time, I think it was due to the effect of the Bupropion, which is good as a support drug for tapering (i.e. it is used to help quit smoking). The only current medication I am taking is a 24 hour antihistamine, Zyrtec 10 mg one time a day, before bed. Why taper off, why now? I am currently unemployed, thanks to COVID, so have some time to ride this thing out and see if I can get healthy and free of the medications. I had been dealing with a lot of side effects of the drugs, kind of a laundry list of the normal side effects for these drugs, but here is a list of the primary ones I was dealing with. Kind of difficult to nail this all down, been on this stuff a LONG time. Agitation/Irritability Decrease in sexual desire or ability GI problems, constipation, semen leakage during bowel movements Dry mouth/increased thirst increase in the frequency of urination lack of emotion Tiredness/Drowsiness/lethargy/Yawning Restlessness, twitching. Weight gain Why am I here? I am off of the meds, but have dealt with a fair bit of discontinuation syndrome. Have any of you found anything that helps you get through the next few months/years after discontinuation? I am not super big on supplements, but open to logical ideas based in science or real life experience. I have a relative who takes a handful of expensive supplements daily, I am not going down that route as I don't believe in flushing expensive pee down the toilet. I currently take NOTHING other than the allergy pill. No vitamins, no caffeine, little to no alcohol, no nicotine, etc. My primary issues at present are that I am sleeping a lot, lack ambition and energy to do things even though I have the desire to work or take on projects. I do have some anxiety presently, very manageable at home but more difficult in a work environment--it is situational. Once I start on something, and I get engaged in it, I have no problem staying focused and completing it. The daily grind of just being alive and present is difficult, I have occasional, mild, suicidal thoughts such as questioning if it is all worth the effort. That said, I have never attempted suicide and would say I am at very low risk, but my mind can wander there or identify with musicians or artists who address the subject (i.e. 13 Reasons Why). What next? I have an appointment with my doctor in a few days, the first since I completed the taper, I talked it all through with her before the taper, but it went so well that I have not had intermediate appointments. Part of the reason for not having more appointments, during my taper, was the feeling that there really is nothing she can do to make it any better. The taper also went very well, in my opinion. I still feel that the doctors are limited in what support they can give you, other than going back on the meds, what are my options in seeing an MD? Some of my side effects are getting much better now, for example I noticed my dry mouth issues are gone and I have been more regular as far at GI issues!
  21. https://www.facebook.com/innercompassinitiative/?hc_ref=ARRdIIjHYzgACJg-XE4ALjq7mDuGx2nKOqs1uEG3SG5KNfs-cTophiNVJCkdIAwSLro
  22. My stats: Male Age 19 Green eyes Good body 6ft tall Tall handsome looking for love, passion. Well endowed. Basically I've got a giant...whoopsss, wrong forum! Forgive me! Shame because I have got a massive....problem! Hi all! How are my fellow ssri buddies who are/were going toe to toe with these drugs? I'm new and here, and am here to talk about my withdrawal, Representing the many of us who have been lied too, deliberately forced, left in denial and lost are own true self to oblivion. For those of us who are pushing on forwards redeeming our full potential becoming the strongest version of our self. Because all of this is just experience really isn't it? We took these medications as a result of how we were feeling, a by-product of the demons we battle with inside us. Life tests us, these walls and road blocks that are put in front of us mould us. They make or break us. It is our choice if we choose to slide backwards or push on through. Anyhow! Enough of the dramatic, pretentious, opening introductory literature rubbish! Of which I am compensating for my tiny brain, But of which I hope some will find enlightening. I am no uneducated peasant Ill have you know my good sir! I do ramble don't I?! haha Anyway, I've had an underlying mood disorder, or mental illness...what ever you want to call it for as long as I can possibly remember. Bad anxity, OCD and deppression, cue violins and sympathetic music! But funnily enough I was convinced I hadn't. Up until last year I was sure that my problems were biological, Or perhaps a tad In denial when I look back! Even with the fact that both my parents and sister are on ssri of one sort or another who lack the emotional capacity of a butter knife and are practically robots... I respectively refuse to became chemically lobotomized and join your robo-cult! Anyways I dropped out of college down to extreme tiredness and lack of ability to think etc.. and turned to alcohol. More wine squire! vida did flowww! Unfortunately like pringles once you pop you cant stop! This didn't help obviously and promised myself that I would find out what was truly wrong with me. I went down the medical route. Unfortunately being a Brit unlike our trans atlantic cousins, with your 'medical insurance' and 'healthcare viewed as a consumer product' ensuring the patients health is treated optimally! Over here Its different. Although the healthcare is national and public for all, it is socialist in nature- I succeeded In avoiding the word communist their. I did this to avoid America breaking ties with our country ending are special relationship forever to associate us with extreme evil! Yes well here its here all about the functionality of the patient and spent over a thousand pounds going private to several doctors getting blood tests all under the sun to try and discover that mystery illness! The last doctor I went to admitted that biologically I was fine, which was ruled out that I had something psychology wrong with me and gave me the ssri citalopram 20mg as casually as that. How dare you! I have nether been more insulted In my entire life I Cried! How dare you give me the stigma of a mental illness! Not even an evaluation! This is immoral! inhuman! unethical! I shall not being subjected to this! I demand I see your doctors degree! Call the guards! Off with his head! Obviously that never happened. I simply got my meds and left. After taking them for 6 weeks with all manner of side effects that I won't go into now I stopped them. ended It. finished it. Because I didn't like who I was becoming... Because I didn't want to have to take a drug to escape reality instead of dealing with it myself! Redemption come within ma brothers! So I stopped cold turkey... Because I couldn't get any more tablets? Because I just didn't want anymore of this poison in my body? Or because I'm becoming a full time bad man? I don't know! haha I've been off for 5 weeks! cue applause! My withdrawl! 1st week vertigo, dizziness, headaches! mood swings! 2nd week, just dizziness and depression 3rd week improvement! 4th improvement! 5th week which Is what I'm In now! I've noticed I'm getting a lot of brain fog? Like It takes me longer to say what I wanted to say? Cognitively impaired and my short term memory is suffering! Very annoying and affecting my work! Any advice would be much appreciated on how to approach this thank you everyone for reading much love to you all and best of wishes! Ps. Big pharma you are a rotten cancer criminal organisation! Your deadly pills ravage the western world like a plague stealing the lives of people! You should all be shot at dawn!
  23. Hi Everyone, My name is Daniel, I'm 19, and I'm new to this site. I'd like to hear other people's experience with SSRI withdrawal and what they've done to help alleviate it/speed the process. A little bit about my background to start. I'd like to apologize in advance for the long, long post but if you have the time please hear me out, or at least look at the main points listed at the end. As a young child, I always felt different from and alienated from my family. My parents are very religious people, so I was raised in a really strict, sheltered environment. From a young age I was always hyper and impulsive, which didn't go will with my father's dictatorial parenting style, and looking back was more a result of the way he treated me. I was put on my first SSRI, luvox (fluvoxamine) at age 6, because of anxiety (which was partially caused by my relationship with my dad). I took it for a few years. Ritalin was added to my cocktail when I was 7 due to "ADHD", and I was on it until 14. I experienced crashes at the end of the day and could not function at all if I missed a dose. I know that these two meds at such a young age caused irreversible changes to my brain structure, although I don't recall any serious negative withdrawal effects (I was tapered off of it). I was put on numerous other non SSRI medications between 7-14, including abilify, other stimulants, and non stimulant ADHD meds. I never really knew what "normal" felt like because I was always being medicated. I was also diagnosed with celiac disease when I was 11, and have been gluten free since then. I had stopped growing for a few years, which led to the diagnosis. I'm sure eating gluten for all those years also had a detrimental effect on my anxiety and ability to focus. At 14, I came out to my parents as gay. Things in my life devolved from here. I wasn't accepted for who I was and began to experience depression. My behavior became more erratic as the feedback loop of being yelled at and punished led me to continue to act out. At 15, I was admitted to a psych hospital where I developed depersonalization from the stress. I was given 20mg celexa, 300mg wellbutrin, 1mg tenex (guanfacine) twice a day, and 50mg seroquel for depression, "ADHD", and anxiety. I have a wonderful memory, but my time on SSRIs is definitely more blurry in my mind. I was (wronfully) in a residential psych facility for six month (my parents didn't know what to do with their "trouble child". My father announced that I was being sent to a Christian boarding school in Texas, ans at this point I called CPS on my parents. The state determined that they were not fit to take care of me and were emotionally abusive. Through my first 3 years in foster care, I stayed on the Celexa/Wellbutrin/Tenex/Seroquel cocktail, but decided to taper off because I didn't want to be on meds anymore (June 2014, age 18). My sorry excuse for a psychiatrist that was employed by the foster care agency I was placed under refused to let me get off them, so I decided to do it myself. Looking back at this blurry time of my life, I can tell that I was an emotionless euphoric zombie the whole time, and emotionally did not grow at all as a result. Not knowing what I was in for, I tapered off all my meds in two weeks. I also started smoking weed regularly around this time because I was not feeling as good as I used to (meds completely destroyed my ability to regulate my mood, which would be bad enough without traumatic memories of emotional abuse, false imprisonment, etc.) It provided me relief from my withdrawal symptoms, but I was smoking too much so I've slowed down considerably because it doesn't solve any problems. I don't think that my depersonalization ever really went away when I was started on meds, but I got used to the new normal of chemical euphoria. After a few months of no meds, I got rebound depression, anxiety, and depersonalization like I've never had it before. I never had out of body experiences, but my dissociation was very severe. Anyone who's experienced this terrible symptom knows how hellish it can be. My mind could longer smoothly synthesizes my sense of perception and consciousness like it used to. Every waking moment since I've stopped these meds has been a perceptual mind****. I am in a full scholarship college program and I work 2 nights a week in order to have money to get by, so my life is ridiculously busy and stressful. I wonder sometimes how I manage all of it without breaking down. Since getting off my meds, I feel maybe 20% of the range of emotions I used to. I feel almost numb. The worst part is that I can never sit still, have a much harder time focusing than ever before, have trouble falling asleep but then sleep for way too long and have a hard time getting up. I'm dysphoric almost all the time, and my anxiety has been terrible. I overthink everything in ways I never used to and feel trapped in my body and mind. I sweat way more than I should, and my muscles got so tense about 6 months ago (beginning of 2015) that I started to develop small biceps. It's been 16 months or so since I got off my meds, and I've noticed about a 30 % reduction in my withdrawal symptoms including depersonalization, but I still feel trapped and terrible most of the time. I eat pretty well, follow my GF diet, and take 5-HTP to supplement my brain with serotonin as well as vitamins and minerals. When I'm awake, I feel dissociated (sometimes I feel like I'm just a sum of what's around me in the present moment), worn out with little energy and motivation, and pretty emotionless. By the time evening comes, it feels like my brain has used up all available serotonin and I feel like an anxious, dysphoric zombie. My way of perceiving the world is not smoothly integrated and my mind jumps around. I forget where I put things 5 seconds ago, and it feels like I'm only 30% here. I'm a very intelligent person and I know that if I'm able to feel better and have a more concrete sense of self and feel focused and in a decent mood like I used to feel before I was ever started on the pills from hell, I can do a lot for this world. About 2 weeks ago, I started on 10mg Prozac (against the advice of my psychiatrist, who wants me to wait the withdrawals out but doesn't really understand how terrible I feel) because I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown with school starting. Within 2 days, my brain felt like it could finally breathe and I have been functioning much better. I've stopped sweating, my body is relaxed, and my brain is thankful for the serotonin, but emotions have disappeared and I still feel like a zombie, just a more relaxed one, completely numb and it feels very fake. I don't really feel alive. I missed my dose today and the depression I felt this evening before loading with a high dose of 5-HTP was much worse than the usual withdrawal, and I've decided that it's not worth it, I'm done with meds for good!!! But I'm tired of being in this hell. I'm tired of life being a perceptual mind****. I'm tired of being on edge and anxious and depressed and dissociated. I've been in psychotherapy for almost 2 years and have made remarkable psychological progress, but the physiological/mental symptoms of my withdrawal are a living hell and it's often hard to distinguish withdrawal symptoms from symptoms of underlying problems. THANK YOU FOR READING!!! In summary: -Stopped SSRI and SNRI (doses were way too high), with way too fast tapering, about 16 months ago -Symptoms have reduced by about 30% but are still hard to bear. Depersonalization, bad anxiety, sweating, trouble falling asleep/waking, lack of concentration, altered perception, emotional blunting up to 80%, dysphoria, lack of energy -Taking high dose of 5-HTP/vitamins Any additional supplement/herb recommendations, personal withdrawal timelines, or any other suggestions will be highly appreciated!! Thank you so much! -Daniel
  24. https://scitechdaily.com/ssri-antidepressants-associated-with-increase-in-violent-crime-in-some-people/ Stockholm, Sweden: Scientists have found that some people being treated with selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) have a greater tendency to commit violent crime. In addition, this effect seems to continue for up to 12 weeks after stopping SSRI treatment. This work is published in the peer-reviewed journal European Neuropsychopharmacology, alongside a linked comment. The authors of both the paper and the comment note that the work indicates an association (rather than cause and effect) and urge caution in how the findings are interpreted. First author Tyra Lagerberg at the Department of Medical Epidemiology and Biostatistics, Karolinska Institutet, Stockholm, said: “This work shows that SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) treatment appears to be associated with an increased risk for violent criminality in adults as well as adolescents, though the risk appears restricted to a small group of individuals. We don’t claim that SSRIs cause the increased risk we see in our data. It is possible that the disorders that SSRIs are prescribed to treat, such as depression, are driving the association. In that case, our findings may mean that SSRIs are unable to fully remove this tendency towards violent crime, which is also a potentially important insight. Previous work has found an association between SSRI use and violence in young individuals, but not in adults. Ours is a much bigger study which allows us to confirm that there is an association in adults as well.” The researchers examined the records of 785,337 people aged 15 to 60 years who were prescribed an SSRI in Sweden in 2006 through 2013. These patients were followed up for an average of around 7 years, which included periods when individuals took SSRIs and when they did not. Individuals in the study were found to have committed 6306 violent crimes while taking SSRIs, and 25,897 when not taking SSRIs. After accounting for follow-up time and variables that were associated both with the probability of getting SSRI treatment and with the risk for violence, the researchers found that the risk of committing a violent crime was on average 26% higher during periods when individuals took SSRIs compared to periods when they did not, though only a small proportion of individuals went on to commit violent crimes regardless of treatment (<3% in the study sample). Due to the rarity of violent crimes, periods of SSRI medication are expected to coincide with only a small increase in the rate of this event. When the researchers subdivided the study follow-up according to time since start and end of SSRI treatment, they found that the risk for violent crime was higher throughout treated periods. The increased risk also persisted for up to 12 weeks after the estimated end of SSRI treatment, after which the risk returned to levels before start of SSRI treatment. The researchers showed that the association between SSRI treatment and violent crime existed in young adults as well as in adults aged up to 60 years (the study did not investigate the association in adults older than 60 years). However, only 2.7% of individuals in the study committed violent crimes during the study period, meaning the increased risk applied to a small subgroup of SSRI users. Tyra Lagerberg commented: “Previous studies have shown that depression itself is associated with a 3-fold increase in the risk for violent crime, and of course many SSRIs are prescribed for depression; so it may be the underlying depression that causes the association with violent crime, rather than any effect of the SSRI. More work is needed to uncover the causes of this association. Our results suggest there may be a need for clinical awareness of the risk for violence during and possibly after SSRI treatment across age groups. However, a large majority of SSRI-users, around 97% in our sample, will not experience the outcome of violent crime, so our work needs to be understood in this context. Our findings do not affect the vast majority of people taking antidepressants and should not be used as basis for individuals to stop their SSRI treatment, nor for prescribers to withhold treatment from individuals who might benefit from it. Nevertheless, clinicians should be attentive when prescribing SSRIs to individuals with aggressive tendencies. More work is necessary to identify what further individual characteristics might give someone a higher risk of committing violent crimes during SSRI treatment, regardless of whether the risk is increased because of the SSRI or because of the underlying disorder that indicates an individual for treatment with these medications”. An associated commentary, explores possible explanations for the increase. Lead author, Professor Eduard Vieta (University of Barcelona) said: “This observational study presents a firm basis for further investigations on SSRI use and criminality. However, as the authors themselves say, we need to emphasize that the study shows an association between violent crime and SSRI use in a small subset of patients, it doesn’t show that one causes the other. The study also shows that past offenders were more likely to commit a violent crime during SSRI treatment: this in itself is an interesting finding, which could be the main focus of future research on the topic”. Reference: “Associations between selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors and violent crime in adolescents, young, and older adults – a Swedish register-based study” by Tyra Lagerberg, Seena Fazel, Yasmina Molero, Mikael Andersson Franko, Qi Chen, Clara Hellner, Paul Lichtenstein, Zheng Chang, 29 May 2020, European Neuropsychopharmacology (2020). DOI: 10.1016/j.euroneuro.2020.03.024 Commentary: “Association between selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors and violent crime – could underlying psychopathology be the cause?” by Aiste Lengvenyte and Eduard Vieta, 29 May 2020, European Neuropsychopharmacology. DOI: 10.1016/j.euroneuro.2020.04.005
  25. About six months ago I went to my doctor because I was having chest pain which she shrugged off as anxiety and prescribed 10 mg of lexapro once a day. it ended up being a serious heart condition but that's another story. I wasn't depressed or anxious at the time but I took the lexapro anyways just to prove my doctor wrong. After about 30 minutes of my first dose I felt a rush of euphoria like I never felt before; music sounded so much intense,energetic and wonderful even music that normally felt blah;I couldn't help but dance and sing along. memes,jokes and things on tv were the funniest thing ever at the time and I was laughing at everything; I would rarely laugh otherwise. I couldn't sleep at night because I had too much excitement; my mind was full of different ideas,thoughts and things I wanted to do. I ended up impulse buying a lot of useless things that I felt like I just had to have at the time using my savings. I did a complete wardrobe overhaul and went through a goth,sport,vintage,hipster phase all in the course of a week. ended up completely redecorating my room. it felt impossible to answer question in class or do my homework which would have been easy before taking lexapro; but I kept taking it anyways because of how good it felt, it was like a constant high. I pick up hobbies that I hadn't done in forever like model trains and photography; but there wasn't many interesting things to take pictures of where I lived so I had the great idea of dropping everything I was doing at the time and driving across the country to sight see and take pictures. so I packed my things and went with no real plan of how I was gong to do that. I only ended up diving about 50 miles away before my double vision, lack of coordination and reflexes started to come back a side effect of the lexapro. I ended up crashing into a tree; I walked out with only a few scratches but the car was wrecked. I realized I could have seriously hurt or killed someone. I flushed my medication down the toilet so I wouldn't be tempted to take it again. a day afterwards everything that I had done had hit me at once; I felt flabbergasted and even though I only took it for a week I spiraled into a deep depression that lasted over a month. But I resisted the urge to claim I lost my medication and take it again. I got a second opinion and found another doctor that actually found what was really wrong and just in time too. now it's been about six months since I last took lexapro and recently I've been having urges to take it again for fun; life feels boring sober. Especially with everything closed and being alone stuck in quarantine. I found a merchant on the dark web selling lexapro; so I went to a bitcoin ATM added funds to an account and opened a PO box but I manged to stop myself before I bought it.I haven't tried any illegal drugs so I can't imagine those would make me feel but the drug I have the urge to try is lexapro. So do you guys have any advice on how to stop the cravings.
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